Is Your Anger Under Control Or Are You "Eating Your Heart"?
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Life Purpose After Retirement
Julie had been a middle school teacher for 35 years and, while she loved her work, she was happily anticipating retirement. A few months into it, she found herself at loose ends, with no real motivation or focus. Something was missing. And that something, she realized, was a sense of purpose. She enjoyed the freedom of retirement, but needed a reason to eagerly get out of bed in the morning. She needed something that felt meaningful and fulfilling in her life.
Retirement is something many people look forward to, only to find it isn't what they thought it would be. It's great to no longer be driven by the alarm clock and schedules. It's wonderful to pursue fun activities you didn't have time for before. But most people aren't truly happy in retirement without a purpose. Life expectancies are much longer than they used to be and a fulfilled life involves more than just filling up time.
Purpose implies making a contribution to the larger whole in some way. It involves using your talents, skills and passions to create an impact in a way you find enjoyable. Not having a sense of purpose can erode self-esteem and affect your own well-being and health.
Whether you found your true calling in your work, put it on hold, or simply never connected with it, retirement actually offers new possibilities to explore.
You may want to give back to the community by volunteering or teaching part time to share the knowledge you have with regard to your former business, hobbies or life lessons. You can also be a mentor or writer to accomplish those goals.
This is also a time when the pace of life has slowed to allow time to ponder the larger, deeper questions of life. Some people connect back with their spiritual beliefs through their church community while others may explore new ideas and restructure their spiritual path. Self growth is an important part of your purpose and can lead to many new avenues in your life.
The idea is to continue to fully engage with life. Now you are free to do it on your own terms.
Here are some questions to ponder to help you get in touch with your purpose:
- What did I enjoy in my younger years that I've put on the back burner?
- What talents and skills do I enjoy using?
- What am I passionate about? (What lights me up, makes time disappear?)
- What causes or social issues do I care about?
- When do I feel most creative and alive?
- What motivates me?
- What are my top values?
- What would I regret never having done when I get to the end of my life?
Take your time to contemplate these questions. Write down your thoughts. Then leave them and come back to them later. You may have more to add and new insights may reveal themselves over time.
Then, when you have a direction, what actions will you need to take to manifest this purpose in your life? Do you need help to get started? Do you need to contact an organization in order to join forces? How will you engage with this purpose?
What is one step you can take to get started on your new path of purpose?
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The Power of Purpose (By Tina Tessina)
"Whatever your age, if you learn to listen, your inner voice will speak to you about your path," writes oncologist Dr. Bernie Siegel in Peace, Love and Healing, your 'job on earth.' This wisdom that is directing you from within is your birthright... an inner message, an inner awareness, that says, 'This is your path, this is how you can be the best human being possible.' If you follow it, you will achieve your full growth and full potential as a human being before you let go of the Tree of Life... "
I know Dr. Bernie is right, because I see the power of the inner voice daily in my clients, in my friends, and in my own life. My clients ask, "How can I access that voice, that wisdom, and get my feet started on the path?"
It's easy for any of us to get discouraged with suffering throughout the world: racial prejudice; addiction and self-destruction; political oppression in its many forms (starvation, war, torture, misinformation, imprisonment, denial of rights of speech, health and human dignity, and just plain bigotry and nastiness).
My own reaction, years ago, was despair. "I can't stand it! So much suffering! So many issues! There's nothing significant I can do." Gradually, with the help of wiser people, I came to realize that I wasn't supposed to do it ALL. I just needed to do a part. But what part? Thus I began to learn about my inner wisdom, my unique birthright, my own peculiarities and talents.
We are all unique, with different genetic mixes, different fingerprints, different gifts and personalities, so let's suppose that there must be a reason for our differences; a Plan. Included in the Plan is a special place for each of us, and we have been designed, by a Super Intelligence, for a special task within the Plan. Supposing that Plan exists, what is your part in it? What were you designed to do? What's your "job on earth"?
If you feel confused or overwhelmed by life, or if your life seems to have no meaning, no important reason for your existence, spend some time pondering the Plan. Whether you call your Source a Higher Power, Spirit, or God, try reading Its mind a little: Imagine-If you were God, and you had created the human being that is you, what would you have created such a person for? It's an interesting puzzle, and the clues are in your unique characteristics. Are you a good listener? Then maybe counseling is your intended "job". Can you explain things well? Perhaps you're being directed toward teaching something. Are you a mathematical whiz? A musician? An artist? Can you make people laugh? All of these talents can be used in unique ways to make the world a little better. For example, if you like to make people laugh, and you enjoy elderly people, perhaps entertaining, volunteering, or working in a senior citizen's center is your special place. Or if you are a survivor of abuse or illness, perhaps your "job" lies in helping others survive.
Like me, many others have found it useful to ponder solve this riddle. The clues and hints are subtle, but they exist. The secret to your life's purpose is hidden in your heart's desire. Discover that, and you discover meaning, joy and purpose. There is a Plan, and you fit within it. No one has been omitted, every small link fits. As you discover your secret mission, and join the rhythm of the Wise Plan, life begins to run itself, doubt fades, and joy becomes a more frequent companion. Try listening to your heart, and to the obvious things about you, and you'll find it works.
" 'I give you something, you know not what, enrich it, you know not how, bring it back, you know not when. And remember, I shall be watching you.' Said the Sun to the newborn child." - so children's writer P.L. Travers expresses the mystery of finding your 'job on Earth.'
"To find in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business," writes Marsha Sinetar in Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics: "for it means that once we know it we must seek it. It also means that without it life will be valueless."
Did you know that problems with compulsive eating, substance abuse, destructive addictive relationships, and obsessive behavior are most often misguided attempts to satisfy the heart's desire?
We are such amazing miracles of creation. Within each of us is a driving force, that will NOT give up and go away. We can attempt to drown it out with loud, raucous living, to anesthetize it with food, drink or drugs, to avoid it through some zealotry or other, to run from it by being frantically busy, to ignore it by working obsessively, to be too overwhelmed drama and agony to notice it; but as soon as the unavoidable quiet moment happens, there it is, urging us on. Often, people misread this uncomfortable inner restlessness and call it "fear" or "loneliness", but it is only the call of the heart. Until we acknowledge it, it will not allow us to be at peace. Believe it or not, our hearts are filled with purpose and meaning, and will constantly press us to discover our true desire and act upon it.
A spectrum is a wide range of something, like the colors light creates when beamed through a prism. A rainbow. My rainbow, the one I want to share with all of you, is the warrior rainbow. It's the wide range of people who are willing to face their own fear and anger, to brave the terrors of the inner deep, to challenge the naysayers and the criticizers, because they know how important it is to be who they really are. It's a broad spectrum of people, all colors, orientations, beliefs and experiences. Nothing elaborate is required to take your place in the warrior rainbow-just the courage to be you-to face your fears, to believe in yourself, to be willing to fight where you can, while remembering a rainbow warrior always takes prudent risks-self-destruction is not encouraged.
I find that many people who come to me for counseling are "autophobic" - afraid of themselves. They are afraid of feeling emotion, afraid of being forced to be alone with themselves, afraid to find out what is actually inside them. It actually comes down to fearing the power within. We run very fast, in an attempt to escape who we are.
"If the person insists on a certain program, and doesn't listen to the demands of his own heart, he's going to risk a schizophrenic crackup," warned philosopher Joseph Campbell. "Such a person has... aligned himself with a program for life, and it's not the one the body's interested in at all. The world is full of people who have stopped listening to themselves or have listened only to their neighbors to learn what they ought to do, how they ought to behave, and what the values are that they should be living for... my analysis... is that we would rather feel alive than be alive. Sometimes it kills you, to feel so alive out there on a battlefield somewhere, or in a corporate environment where it's quite clear that you're heading for a heart attack, and you don't change your course because you are living in that stream of energy and aliveness. You wind up bargaining your life away for it."
Reading through the wisdom of the ages, I have come across this advice time and time again. Humankind's greatest teachers insist that the costs of denying your heart's desire are far greater than anything that could happen by following it. Every time my clients overcome their reluctance to know who they are, they release an inner power that transforms their lives.
What better time to become a rainbow warrior than now? Here's Dr. Campbell's advice about how to begin: "You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don't know who your friends are, you don't know what you owe anybody, you don't know what anybody owes to you... a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be... the place of creative incubation... if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen... Where is your bliss station? You have to try to find it. Get a phonograph and put on the music that you really love, even if it's corny music that nobody else respects. Or get the book you like to read. In your sacred place you get the "thou" feeling of life... for the whole world... if you follow your bliss you put yourself on a track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."
I invite you to get acquainted with your heart's desire, join me in a resolution to surrender, to slow down and find out what is inside, straining to get out, longing to make contact with you. Make a "sacred space" for yourself, and spend a little time in it, at first reading or listening to music, and little by little listening to your heart. Perhaps it will change your life, as it has so many others. God has already blessed us, every one.
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Emotions As Weather (By Tina Tessina)
Although most people in the country wouldn't agree, we in Southern California have been having extreme weather conditions for us: rain and mudslides. You could almost say we're so used to mild conditions that we become afraid of what others would call "real" weather-weather wimps. Being afraid, ashamed of, or embarrassed by your feelings is like being afraid of the weather, because emotions (tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts, withdrawal, depression, elation, lust, romantic excitement, euphoria) are the weather conditions of the inner self.
Certainly there are weather conditions that are fearsome, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, exploding volcanoes and fierce fires, and we need to control these if we can, and protect ourselves from them. But, like the weather, most emotional climate conditions are pretty mild.
My clients have found it very helpful to use the metaphors of weather to understand how natural and normal all feelings are. Here are my thoughts on the basics of emotional weather. It's a concept I'm just working out, so please share your ideas and reactions.
Sunshine
Your smile lights up your face the way the sun lights our day. Smiles, too can come from behind clouds or after emotional storms. The smile signals that all is well, pressure is equalized and the coast is clear to be out and open and have some fun.
Rain
Like rain, tears can be stormy or just a light sprinkle, and feel angry, cold, dreary and sad, or even come through the sunshine. Rain often follows a change of weather pressure, and tears can be the result of release of inner tension. People frequently cry from relief that they've been heard or that they can see a solution where there appeared to be a problem. Those who suffer from a trauma or a loss normally cry a little after the first shock of finding out, as the awful pressure of the news is absorbed and the grief sets in.
Rain first carries with it the dust suspended in the air, and then washes everything clean as it continues. Emotional rain, too, can first be painful, and then begin to bring release and clarity. A "good cry" is one that really lets go of the held feelings and continues until relief sets in.
Rainbows
When you allow the tears to flow until your natural smile returns, you will feel hopeful again-hope is the rainbow of our internal climate. Like a rainbow, hope doesn't exist until there has been a disappointment, and the disappointment has been accepted completely enough to let the sun shine once more. That smile, coming thorough sadness, brings with it a renewed feeling of hope.
Storms
Sometimes reluctance to express unhappiness or discomfort builds pressure that eventually releases in a rush, like a storm. Violent storms shake things up, just as strong anger does. Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can "clear the air" just as a storm does. The aftermath of a healthy, not too violent storm allows us to appreciate the pleasures of calmness.
Cloudiness and Fog
Emotionally, things are not always very clear. It's normal to feel foggy and unsure, or depressed and dark from time to time. If you can remember it's just your emotional climate, and explore it to discover the cause, the fog will lift, the clouds will part, it may rain or storm a little, but the sun will eventually come out again. Normal depression that is not allowed to take its natural course, not opened up to let the fresh air in, can turn into emotional smog, or internal pollution.
Smog
Emotional smog, like the weather kind, is just the normal cloudy/foggy conditions with man-made junk added. We call it clinical depression. Everyone is down from time to time, but those who attack themselves when down, or have others around who pollute their internal atmosphere with criticism or shaming, become smog-bound, and can't clear up their internal atmosphere. Letting in the fresh air of interest and the warmth of emotional support allows the fog to lift, and the sun to come out again.
Internal Conditions
If you try paying the same amount of daily attention to your internal conditions as you probably do to the weather report, and begin to regard your feelings as naturally as weather, you'll become much more emotionally comfortable. Like weather, your feelings are easier to accept and live with when you manage them, respond to them and don't try to resist them or deny them. If you understand your feelings as weather, you can have many lovely inner days.
Your Sense of Emotion
Human attributes, we are taught, include five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Only in science fiction do we read about a sixth sense, which is usually depicted as a psychic sense. If you think about it, however, your emotions are your real "sixth sense." Just like your other five senses, your emotions register data about the external world. With your sight, your eyes take in data about colors, shapes and relative sizes of the things in the world around us. Touch tells us how things feel, how warm, cold, soft, hard, sharp or smooth they are.
Your emotions tell you what others' feelings are. We can sense, in an almost psychic way, how someone feels at a distance, without being told. By comparing what our other senses tell us about others (smiles, frowns, tension, "prickly vibes," relaxed breathing and an indescribable type of data we call empathy) with what we know about our own inner feelings, we draw conclusions about what other people are feeling. Without being told, we know when someone is angry, when someone has strong positive or negative feelings toward us, and when we are loved.
With conscientious practice, people can improve their use of senses, such as being a wine taster, reading braille, refining your sense of color as an artist, or learning to tell different fabrics by texture. Certain people, such as psychotherapists and actors, practice and refine emotions until they can sense very small changes. As a psychotherapist, I "read" my clients' emotions and give them feedback to help them sort out emotional confusion. "You say you're fine, but you appear to be angry," I might say to someone who is disconnected from his feelings.
Sight is an external sense-we only see what's outside us. Touch, however, is both internal and external. We can feel food go down our gullet, on occasion we can feel our own heartbeat, and we can feel muscle cramps and movement from inside the body. Emotions are a sense that is simultaneously internal and external. To our emotions, it's as if there's no limit to our bodies, and our skin is transparent. We feel our feelings on the inside, and yet they reach out and touch people and tell us what they're feeling, too. It is a type of psychic sense, especially to people who develop it.
Just as your sight helps you navigate the roads, avoid obstacles, and choose the best route, your emotions are the sense that help you navigate the paths of relationships. If you are knowledgeable about your feelings, and your sensitivity to others' feelings, you can be much more effective in all your relationships, maximizing your love, your intimacy, your emotional well-being, and your happiness.
Practicing Emotion
You can refine and sensitize yourself to your feelings by "tracking" what you are feeling on a daily basis: Just stop a few times each day and ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" Once you get comfortable with that, you can spend some time people watching, and guess what they might be feeling. You won't know if you've guessed right unless you ask, but just practicing paying attention will sharpen your skills.
Trying Too Hard Is The Real Reason For Your Lack Of Success
Don't Aim For Results Over Outcomes
I want to take you on a journey on a topic I trust is close to your heart as it is mine. What am I referring to? Trying too hard. Firstly, let's begin by examining your relationship with the matter. Are you aware of trying too hard whether it be in your: relationships, career, health or otherwise? What do you believe is the cause of it? I will give you an insight into my experience via a recent journal entry below. Sometimes trying hard has worked, yet mostly it hasn't because of the effort required to sustain it. For example, in relationships it can become exhausting trying hard all the time. Is this something you've experienced before? Perhaps you were making every effort instead of allowing the relationship to run its natural course? Whatever the case, there may be an underlying tension of forcing things to happen that can lead to an unhealthy relationship.
Similarly, if we try too hard to get ahead in our career, the energy we spend may be the very thing holding us back. How can we learn to struggle less without compromising our desire to succeed? For example, I enjoy working hard because it gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. I love writing, speaking and coaching clients on all things related to: self-improvement, personal growth and self-awareness. How about you? How do you find purpose and meaning in your life? Do you have expectations of how your work is seen by others? For example, you might enjoy being creative whether through art or music. Sometimes your work is not acknowledged in the manner you envisioned. This is hard to accept and so we try harder hoping our next creative endeavour will be a hit. However, success is seldom achieved in such a way, since we tend to please others instead of building on our success. We are not listening to our inner guidance but relying on outside influences to dictate our outcomes.
As you read through my journal entry below, note how I intentionally ask questions to get to the heart of the issue. The key is to focus on one area of your life when doing self-exploration and examine it objectively. It requires distancing yourself from the situation with an open mind. Then it will become obvious where you need to take action or not. Once you finish reading this article, I invite you to write in your journal or diary ways in which you are trying too hard in areas of your life. It may be difficult at first but remain open as you explore it since there may be vital clues you need to learn.
Examining My Limiting Belief
Am I Trying Too Hard To Succeed? What Is The Cause Of Trying Too Hard?
For as long as I can remember, I've had a strong desire to succeed whether it was related to my career or life circumstances. I've enjoyed working hard which may be attributed to my relationship with my father who conveyed the idea that nothing I did was ever good enough. Therefore, on an unconscious level I had to work harder than most people to achieve the same level of success. Tied to this was a sense of perfection and pushing myself to extremes, whether it be through sport, in my relationships or career. I was aware of the inner critic urging me to do better. However, the cost of trying too hard meant falling short of my expectations, i.e. disappointment, anger and frustration. I justified it by convincing myself that I had put in the hard work, therefore I should be entitled to success. Limiting Belief: Hard work is not a predictor or precursor to success. There were times I wanted to give up, yet I found this difficult because if I quit who would take control of my life? The universe? God? Someone else? These are questions that flood my mind as I try to make sense of how much effort it requires to achieve my goals.
In recent years, the need to try hard has improved. It involved the art of 'allowing' instead of forcing things to happen. When I force life to happen, it seldom works out as planned and I become disillusioned. When I come from a place of love, faith and trust, I can still work hard with fewer expectations of a desired outcome. It's not that I don't want to succeed, however I have learned to let go of fixed outcomes because life may have better plans. So how can I change my relationship of trying too hard? What is the cause of forcing things to happen? Firstly, I can learn to detach from desired outcomes regarding a project, a goal or a relationship. I still invest myself wholeheartedly and show up embodying my deepest self but I suspend my expectations of how things should unfold. Perhaps the cause of forcing things to happen is my limiting belief that I have to do all the work otherwise I won't get what I want. This was the message conveyed by my father which I adopted as truth. I believed if nothing I do is ever good enough, I must work hard to make up for it. But working harder will not assure me success if my intentions are not in the right place. If I am lacking in some way, all my hard work will go to waste if I feel undeserving. The key is to work efficiently and reframe my relationship of receiving and deserving. When I let go of fixed outcomes and give myself entirely to the undertaking, everything I ever need will show up in its own time.
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