Should You Play Hard to Get?

It all depends on what you're looking for.

Suppose you’re a single woman attracted to a cute and charming guy you keep running into. You really want him to return your affections, and your short conversations so far feel like flirting. He could be interested—so what do you do? Do you put your cards on the table, or engage in strategic withholding?

Your relationship-savvy friends might tell you that love is a bit of a game: You and your crush are in a flirtatious back-and-forth that could end in nothing, or something sweet. It all depends on your next moves, so don’t squander the opportunity, they might say—and your best chance, they believe, is to play hard to get.

But is it playing hard to get really the wisest move? Does it really work?

Until now, most research has suggested that the playing-hard-to-get strategy doesn’t help (e.g.., Walster, Walster, Piliavin, & Schmidt, 1973). A hallmark principle of social interaction is that liking is reciprocal: We like the people who like us. If someone is playing hard to get, then they’re not giving the signals of liking that could spark a return in those emotions. Essentially, playing hard to get generates less positive evaluations than more open alternative strategies.

Despite this evidence, you still feel like you see your friends use this tactic with men and that it always seems to work. Guys seem incredibly motivated to win their attention.

What gives?

Recent research offers a fascinating new explanation of how playing hard to get actually works (Dai, Dong, & Jia, 2014). They based their investigation on the assumption that romantic interest can be divided into liking (i.e., positive evaluations) and wanting (i.e., motivated desire). Previous research, noted above, suggests that playing hard to get might lower liking—but what’s its effect on wanting?

It turns out, if you want someone to want you, playing hard to get is a good option. This finding was observed in two studies The first presented participants with vignettes depicting women who played hard-to-get or easier-to-get in a social encounter. The second used a speed-dating scenario in which men were asked to meet a research assistant who was trained to behave in a responsive or unresponsive manner, consistent with playing easy- or hard-to-get. In both studies, single men in Hong Kong were the participants. They finished the study by answering questions about their liking of, and their motivation to begin a romantic relationship with, either the target in the vignette or the confederate in the speed-dating exercise. In each study, the researchers also manipulated psychological commitment, predicting that an initial degree of investment may be a necessary foreground for playing hard-to-get to work.

The results were clear: Playing hard to get induces wanting, but not liking when an initial degree of interest was already in place (Dai et al., 2014). Depending on your goal, then, playing hard to get could be a useful tactic—for example, if you’re looking for a short-term fling or if you desire a lot of attention but not relational security.

The alternative—being straightforward and consistent in your positivity, responsiveness, and openness—is a much more effective method for increasing someone’s positive feelings for you.

Liking still breeds liking, but playing hard to get breeds desire: You always want what you (think you) can’t have.

References

Dai, X., Dong, P., & Jia, J. S. (2014). When does playing hard to get increase romantic attraction?. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143, 521-526.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201510/should-you-play-hard-get

Who Can Really Make Us Happy?

One partner's satisfaction in a relationship makes all the difference.

It may be an old and even outdated adage, but “Happy wife, happy life” now has some scientific backing to it.

New evidence from a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that the way women perceive the quality of their marriage matters for men’s life satisfaction. You read that correctly: How she feels about the relationship is linked to his overall happiness, even though the reverse effect appears much weaker—in other words, how he feels about the marriage does not substantially influence her life satisfaction. (Carr, Freedman, Cornman, & Schwarz, 2014)

As much as this study supports the “happy wife, happy life” adage and undercuts any modern attempts to rephrase it to “happy husband, happy life,” it also opens up new questions about what it means for a man or woman to be in any long-term romantic relationship.

Marital Quality, Well-being, and Life Satisfaction

Are you happy in your marriage? The judgment is clearly worth attention, because we know that relationship perceptions are tied to many aspects of your own and your partner’s life and well-being. While it has been widely understood that perceiving yourself as part of a close and companionable relationship is fundamentally linked to psychological health and well-being, we are just now beginning to understand how people’s experiences also connect to their partner’swell-being and overall happiness. 

To explore this question, Carr and colleagues (2014) studied the daily diaries of 361 heterosexual couples in the United States who had been married for an average of 39 years. Their work unravels how spousal factors can predict personal life satisfaction—in other words, they investigated patterns of dependency between husbands and wives’ overall life quality judgments and their spouses’ marital happiness, while controlling for other potential variables of influence.

It was in this way that they discovered the power of a wife’s marital evaluation. Very unhappily married men—those who, on average, rated their relationship 1.0 on a 6.0-point scale—also experienced very low life satisfaction only if their wives also rated their marriage quality as very poor. Unhappy husbands whose wives were actually happy in the marriage were essentially buffered in their own life satisfaction by their wives’ feelings: Happy wife, happy life.    

It appears that when women feel supported, understood, and appreciated by their partner—and judge their partner as responsive and calming—they boost their husbands’ overall life satisfaction, or at least their perception of it. Likewise, women who were unhappy in their marriage may be lowering their husbands’ general happiness.

New Questions

While this research is appealing to husbands (and maybe wives) everywhere, it leaves many questions unanswered:

For example, is this a pattern that exists primarily in long-term married couples—remember, the sample couples had been married, on average, for more than 30 years—or does it apply equally to couples in the early years of marriage, or those who are just dating? Does this gender-based effect apply to same-gender couples and if so, does it apply equally? Another question demanding additional study is why wives' marital happiness, more so than men's, has such a predictive effect on their spouses' happiness?

In the end, the idea that one’s relationship evaluations could inflate (or deflate) a partner’s overall sense of life satisfaction is a fascinating starting point for additional research.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201409/who-can-really-make-us-happy

18 body language clues that say he's interested—definitely

It's nerve-wracking isn't it? No matter where you meet a guy—at a bar, a friend's house or even church—the facts remain: You have to wonder what he's thinking and figure out how to tell if he really likes you. But did you know that men are pre-programmed to send out physical clues when they're interested in a woman? Read this excerpt of Superflirt by Tracey Cox and learn how to read any guy's body language with ease. 

Legend has it that men make the first move, then plead, cajole, wine, dine and basically bribe (via chocolates, flowers and dinner dates) women into their bachelor pads to either a) have their wicked way or b) get down on bended knee. Women—sweet, passive, delicate little flowers that we are—start out strong by defying his attentions, until sheer persistence breaks down our resistance and we agree to...a sherry. Meanwhile, we fill our days by reading romance novels and peering from behind closed curtains, on the watch for knights on big white stallions.

What a load of crap. Women have always made the first move and orchestrated the pace, flow and direction of romantic relationships. Masters of intuition and emotional manipulation, adept at body language, able to gauge the emotional temperature of a room quicker than our nipples stiffen in a breeze, you can bet on it that if he's on his way over, armed with courage and a pickup line, you were the one who lured him.

Women choose from no less than 52 moves to show men they're interested. The average man chooses from a maximum of 10 to attract a female. Good news then, that the average female is usually very good at deciphering body language. Just in case you're not, I've included the obvious, along with signals that are more subtle, secretive and (occasionally) downright loony. 

He'll serve you an eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they like us back, they raise their eyebrows. The whole thing lasts about a fifth of a second and it happens everywhere in the world—to everyone regardless of age, race, or class. Lifting our brows pulls the eyes open and allows more light to reflect off the surface, making them look bright, large and inviting. A flash might be easy to miss but they're so reliable, if you do spot one, you may know someone likes you before they've even registered it themselves. Deliberately extend it for up to one second and you've drastically upped the chances of him getting the message you're interested.

His lips part. If he likes what he sees, his lips will automatically part for a moment when your eyes first lock.

His nostrils flare and his face generally "opens". The raised brows, parted lips, flaring nostrils and wide eyes give the whole face a friendly "open" expression.

He'll try to attract your attention. For some men, this might mean a subtle tie adjustment along with a silent prayer that you'll notice the flash of movement. Others turn into Bippo the Clown and become so loud and boisterous, they're practically juggling and doing handstands. Any exaggerated movement or gesture usually means he's trying to stand out from the group. Another giveaway: he'll unconsciously detach from his friends by standing slightly apart, hoping to be seen as an individual.

He'll stroke his tie or smooth a lapel. We all know what these preening gestures mean. They're the equivalent of the female lip lick—"I want to look good for you." 

He'll smooth or mess up his hair. Which gestures he chooses depends on his hairstyle and what's going to make it look more flattering. Guys do this involuntarily and more often than you think. Glance back next time you trot off to the restroom and I bet his hands will be on their way to touching his hair.

His eyebrows remain slightly raised while you're talking. A slightly surprised, quizzical expression means he finds you fascinating. Or completely nuts. Quite frankly, either are preferable to a man who looks at you with a smooth, relaxed brow and eyes. That one simply finds you boring. 

He'll fiddle with his socks and pull them up. In the old days, men only dressed up on special occasions, and while the suit might have survived months in mothballs, the socks invariably continued to get worn (to death). Hence, why he spent half the night pulling them up, in an attempt to look the part. It's an extension of preening and it's astonishingly accurate. If a guy pulls up or adjusts his socks in your presence, it's an almost 100 percent sign he's interested and trying to look his best.

Everything is erect. Ahem. What I mean is he'll stand with all his muscles pulled tight, to show his body off to best advantage. He'll also stand directly in front of you to show full attention and lean forward to get closer.

He'll let you see him checking out your body. Some experts call it "visual voyaging"—his eyes take a little cruise around your body, stopping momentarily at the prettiest ports. Don't kid yourself: he scanned your body automatically the second he laid eyes on you. The difference here is that he's letting you see him do it. The message: I'm considering you as a sexual partner.

He'll spread his legs while sitting opposite, to give you a crotch display. He's letting you have a good look at what's on offer. Hopefully, he still has his jeans or pants on at the time.

He'll stand with hands on hips. This accentuates his physical size and suggests body confidence. It's also a pointing gesture. We point with our hands at our own best sexual assets and also at the parts of our body where we'd most like to be touched. If he spends the night with his hands on his hips, fingers splayed and pointing downward, he's willing you to look, touch and admire the part he's proudest of. All subconscious, of course. Well, it is in most cases...

He'll play with the buttons on his jacket, buttoning and unbuttoning it. It's a displacement activity (fiddling) because you've made him a little nervous, plus an unconscious desire to remove his clothes. The next stage is to push the jacket open and hold it there by putting his hands on his hips. If he takes it off completely, he's imagining his shoes under your bed.

He'll touch his face a lot, while looking at you. If he's interested, he'll stroke his cheek up and down with the back of his fingers, touch his ears, or rub his chin. It's a combination of nervous excitement, preening and autoerotic touching. When we're attracted to someone, our skin (most noticeably our lips and mouth) become increasingly sensitive to touch and other stimulation. If you smoke, you'll take more drags on your cigarette. If you're drinking, you'll take more sips. You start touching your own mouth more because your lips are ultra sensitive and it feels good. Plus, it plants the idea in the other person's mind that it could be a good idea to kiss you.

He'll start squeezing his glass or can or roll it from side to side, slightly squeezing it as he does so. When men are sexually interested, they start playing with circular objects. Why? They remind him of your breasts: his body is "leaking" what's happening in his subconscious mind. 

He'll perch on the edge of his seat to get closer. And if he crosses his legs, the top leg will point in your direction. 

He'll guide you by putting his arm on your elbow or in the small of your back. The arm guide isn't just good manners and a polite way of guiding you through a crowd; he's making sure he knows exactly where you're going by taking you there. He doesn't want to lose you! It also shows you're being "taken care of" so no other men need volunteer. Along with the arm guide, there'll be lots of accidentally-on-purpose touches.

He'll lend you his coat or sweater. Few guys would be happy to return from the bar to find their girlfriend's evening dress covered by another guy's jacket. Never mind if her teeth were chattering from life-threatening hypothermia. He wants it to be his jacket because it's a protective, sexy, ownership gesture. It says "what's mine is yours," something that's been close to their skin is now close to yours (and vice versa when you give it back). It smelled of him to begin with; it'll smell of you when you return it. Plus, it links you: he has to hang around to get it back.

http://www.today.com/health/18-body-language-clues-say-hes-interested-definitely-I283709

Why We're Attracted To People Who Are Wrong For Us

I'm asked this question all the time: "Why am I attracted to people who are wrong for me?" And the answer is quite simple, actually:

Because your wounded self is doing the attracting.

Now, I know the term "wounded self" can sound a little intense, so let me explain. We all have two selves: the "little self" (or the wounded self, the ego) and the "Spiritual Self" (the higher self, adult self, or soul).

The wounded self is the part of you that feels incomplete. It questions your worth and value; it doesn't feel whole, or it feels flawed in some way. My wounded self is the "little me" who wonders if I'm truly lovable.

On the other hand, we also have a Spiritual Self. This is your higher self, your soul. It's the part of you that's connected to love, truth, wisdom and peace within. Your Spiritual Self knows, without a doubt, how lovable and valuable you are. In many ways, it's the opposite of the ego.

At any given time, we are operating from one of these two selves. Many of us, unfortunately, operate from the viewpoint of the ego most of the time. That is, we believe we're insignificant and powerless in some way, and we're trying to make up for this lack.

The ego looks for things on the outside to find validation and completion. It believes once it gets more (money, a better partner, a better job, a better house, more vacations, etc…) it will finally be happy.

But … it's never happy. Not for long, anyway. Because the ego's very nature is to feel incomplete. Therefore when you live through the perspective of your ego, you're destined to feel like something's missing. Life through this lens is not very fun.

The ego gets highly activated when it comes to romantic relationships, because relationships are where we hold the most wounding.

We've all felt disappointed or hurt by a relationship in the past; we carry the memory of this wound into adulthood (sometimes unconsciously). If a wound from childhood is still active within you, you'll attract people who are going to highlight the same feeling. For example, if your wounding is centered around feeling rejected or unseen, it's likely that you'll feel a similar way in your relationships as an adult.

Your unconscious is programmed to attract people who activate your wounds. The reason for this is so you'll grow.

This is a frustrating part of the growth process! But think of it this way: You're replaying your wounds so you can finally heal them. We cannot heal anything we don't feel or see; we can't heal things that are unconscious! The uncomfortable feeling has to come to the surface for you to grow beyond it.

And how do you grow beyond it?

By identifying with your higher self.

Remember, your higher self is the part of you that knows the truth about you. It knows that you are worthy, amazing, capable, and powerful. Through the lens of the higher self, you are whole. Yes, you're an imperfect human with flaws; but the larger truth is: you're a soul.

You're beautiful.You're important.You're special.You're love.

This is what the higher self knows about you — and it wants you to know it, too.

By identifying with your higher self (the love within you), your compulsion to play out wounds with other people dissipates and in some cases, disappears.

When you wake up to the higher self's truth, you suddenly realize that the "wrong" people were just teachers to nudge you into the "right"state-of-mind; a state-of-mind that does not question your value or worth. Unfortunately, nothing inspires us to grow more than a broken heart.

Your higher self wants you to identify with it; it wants you to own who you really are. Reclaim the love within you, and you'll heal your relationships from the inside-out.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15390/why-were-attracted-to-people-who-are-wrong-for-us.html

10 Signs You've Found The One

The One. It can be such a daunting term. Being with the right person can not only determine authentic, unconditional happiness, but your health as well. Being in a toxic relationship may keep you from true happiness, stop you from experiencing unconditional love, and can hold you back from living the life you're meant to be living.

I am not a psychologist, but I am a holistic health coach who has studied how each area of life plays a huge role in your well-being — perhaps even your weight and how clear your skin is. I also happen to be madly in love with my fiancé. I've found my soul mate, best friend, and the most perfect person on earth for me.

We're incredibly lucky. I hope each and every one of you takes a minute to evaluate your current romantic relationship and don't accept anything but greatness.

Here are 10 (out of so many) simple things to look out for in a relationship:

1. Your partner is your best friend. You're 110% yourself, you feel free, and enjoy the little things in life together.

2. Your partner is the one you want next to you in your deepest, darkest moments.

3. You're capable of being away from each other, but neither of you like it one bit.

4. Your partner is your #1 choice for the person you want with you when you splurge on your favorite treat, watch an embarrassing television show, or forget your manners at the dinner table because you're too exhausted that day.

5. The two of you compromise with each other. You don't always get your way.

6. You care about his or her needs more than your own.

7. You both know that throughout life you might change and grow, but you'll always change and grow together. Life is about enjoying the stages with each other.

8. When something happens—terrible, exciting or completely insignificant—he or she is always the first person you want to tell.

9. He or she balances you out, and you do the same. Where one is weaker, the other is stronger.

10. You know that no matter what, he or she will always stand by you and be on your side.

Bonus: You both take a moment, every day, to think about just how lucky you are to have found your most perfect person on this earth.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9657/10-signs-youve-found-the-one.html