Brand Yourself - Essential to Your Success

A young mother visited Mahatma Gandhi and complained that she was attempting for a long time to make her son quit eating too many sweets and sugar. Like each mother, she was deeply concerned with the consequences of sugar taking that might harm his health. Taking into account his reputation, she asked Gandhi if he would speak with her son about his eating sugar in the hopes that the words of that great man would encourage the young boy to stop eating sugar. She was surprised when Gandhi said to her: Come back in three months, because I need to prepare myself to speak with the boy about his eating sugar.

It elicited great interest of the people living in her community and broader area and many of them wondered why he needed three months to prepare himself for that task.

Various rumours spread and everyone interpreted and speculated about the reasons for such an act.

After three months, in the presence of a large number of people, Gandhi sat beside the boy and in a simple way explained to him that sugar was not good for his health, and that he would be bigger, stronger and healthier if he consumed it less or none. The boy agreed to begin the journey of not eating sugar and from that moment on he reduced the consumption of sweets and finally completely quit eating them. Noticeably surprised, the woman thanked Gandhi for his wisdom, compassion, and words and then asked him why he needed three months to prepare for such simple message. Gandhi replied profoundly: "Reputation by itself is not sufficient. Upon your visit two weeks ago, I too was eating sugar." And he went on to explain that he could not speak of or teach the young boy to not eat sugar if he himself had not taken that journey.

Imagine that you wake up one morning and in daily newspapers, in the column on stock exchange quotations, find along with regular issues also your name. Exactly, your name is like a share on the stock market.

Now ask yourself, how many people would demand, not to use the term "purchase" for its potential inadequate connotation, your share, meaning you, at which price, to which extent and why?

This is exactly what are we talking about when it comes to one's own brand. There are numerous definitions of brand. Essentially, a personal brand is a synonym for your reputation. It indicates the way other people see you.

Each of us is a brand, whether being aware of it or not.

The simplest way of finding out your personal brand is playing a game of association. Write your name on a piece of paper. Then, without thinking, write below three words that immediately evoke associations of you, for instance: reliable, professional, positive, entrepreneurship, books, etc.

Look at all three associations and circle one, just one word that you believe people would call up immediately upon hearing you name.

Thereupon, ask, without sharing the associations with them, a broader circle of friends, family members, neighbours, experts, chiefs, fellow workers, etc., to do the same and hand it out to you or, even better, to put it in a mail box, anonymously, so that they can remain to the very end honest with you, having no fear that you may get angry or misinterpreted the things they have written.

Always bear in mind that feedback is the breakfast of champions.

Review all associations and compare them with yours. Pay special attention to that one you and others have circled.

In that sense, "Your personal brand is about what other people think about you, it's not what you think about yourself."

Good news is that the personal brand may be built up and founded in a way and direction you wish.

To achieve that, we will follow a simple three C's of personal branding consisting of: clarity, creation and consistency.

C- Clarity - it may be the most important phase in your personal brand building since here you lay down a cornerstone of your future personal brand. After we've got to know how others see us, we should define our fundamental life values and get answer to the question: who are we, what do we believe in, what values do we cherish..? At this stage you have to be completely honest with yourself since just a brand which is in line with your life principles and philosophy may become and remain authentic.

Then we have to make clear: Who are we? What is our occupation? What is our field of activity? What are we currently the best at? What would we like to do in future? What would we like to differentiate us from the pack? It is an imperative here to define USP (unique selling proposition), that one thing, just a single thing, whichh makes us different from others, that makes us unique.

I had made a close and friendly contact with Muhammad Yunus, Founder of Grameen Bank in Bangladesh and a developer of the concepts of microcredit and microfinance, before he became the Nobel Peace Prize recipient. At a conference in Paris, he revealed to me in a long conversation how he defined his USP.

Yunus is a doctor of economic sciences and graduated from the one of the most prestigious world schools. However, it by itself was not sufficient for achieving success. Science of economics and business covers a very broad area so he had to choose particular specialization. He decided to do specialization in economic development field.

Subsequently, just like medical doctors or lawyers, architects and other professionals, he should define his sub-specialization. He chose the poverty field as a global phenomenon and something he was grown up with; something his country had been fighting against for years.

Within that phenomenon USP, something unique he would be recognized for, should be defined. He realized that the then economic concepts do not affect positively the lives of the poor from his surroundings.

Carefully observing, he learned that more than 99% of all businesses in the world developed economies fall under the domain of the so-called small and medium-size enterprises, and even 92% of all business accounts for the so-called microenterprises which at average employ only two persons.

Through exploring in his country and beyond, he found out that the biggest problem the poor faced with was a lack of access to financial resources for start-up, maintenance and further expansion of their business. Commercial banks with the resources available had no response to that niche market; therefore, a completely different approach was needed.

It started as an experiment which has been later transformed into a global world movement. It was 40 years ago that Yunus lent out of his own pocket 27 dollars to a group of poor women who made furniture out of bamboo. All 42 women, without exception, returned the loan, earning at the same time some additional money for their families. Yunus learned that a small, almost symbolic, loan may regain dignity and encourage people to assume responsibility for their own lives.

He founded the Grameen Bank which disbursed around six million of loans. This innovative and beneficial approach to a global problem solving has led to the nowadays situation where more than a billion of people world-wide use micro-loans and over $100 billion is used for crediting micro businesses as one of the fastest-growing industries world-wide.

Bearing in mind the importance of microfinance instruments in fulfilment of their mission, the United Nations declared the year 2005 as the International Year of Microcredit. In 2006, Muhamad Yunus received the Nobel Prize for microlending, economic development, reduction of poverty and world peace, and his book "Banker of the Poor" defeated all records of sales worldwide and was translated in almost all world languages.

Even though this industry has produced meanwhile a great number of first-rate professionals, famous names and undisputed authorities, the name of Muhammad Yunus is even today the synonym and the most identifiable brand when it comes to microloans, or the first association evoked when hearing the word "microloan".

C - Create. When you find out what brand you would wish to have, we have to define the steps to be undertaken in order to create it.

I would like to ask you to insert your name in your search provider of choice and see what turns up.

If you name pulls up no information- you should not be upset about it since it gives you an opportunity to create your new brand from the beginning. If your name pulls up some information, the steps would be the same but in such a situation you would deal with the upgrading, re-branding or re-designing of your existing brand.

Basically, there are two key channels for promoting your brand- online and offline.

Online

We live in the era of information technologies. It would be impossible and irresponsible not to follow that relentless trend. Be sure that it is the first step that someone will make in order to check on you for any purposes- whether to employ you, make a business contact with you or decide to accept or not your invitation for coffee or lunch.

Internet is a powerful and also the cheapest media for creation and promotion of your brand. Here I will mention just few channels and basic rules for using them for the said purpose:

Facebook (www.Facebook.com) Facebook is certainly the most dominant social networking service. It is unbelievable how many persons have Facebook accounts and do not use them properly. Basic rule is that all is monitored, absolutely all. You should fill in not only basic data but also the data required in all available sections. As you are doing that, ask yourself: What message you are sending to the people who would visit your account. The photographs you post should be decent and reflect your personality, that is, the message you want to send to others. Complete your curriculum vitae in great details and make it interesting.

Selection of music, movies, serials, quotes, things you like, speak about you a lot and it provides you with an ideal opportunity to define by yourself, step by step, your new brand. A fundamental rule is to connect with as many persons as possible, to update your account on a regular basis, and share the things correspondent to the message you want to send and remove everything which might damage your brand.

Twitter (www.Twitter.com) Twitter is an online social networking and microblogging service that enables users to send and read "tweets", which are actually text messages. The service has recently recorded an increasing worldwide popularity. Nowadays, anyone who cares of his personal promotion has an account on this social network. Share those links via other channels since your connection with these persons makes others perceive you as a successful person, that is, a brand worth introducing.

Webpage (web site) and blog are in my opinion the most powerful form for promotion and building of the own brand.

I have my web page http://www.drcrnkic.org where you can get acquainted with me in a very simple and interesting way, learn about my work and activities, or simply follow my blog where I post regularly the topics on success, and so get a chance to participate in the extremely vigorous, interesting and above all positive discussions and comments on the blog, Facebook, Twitter and other social networks. It also contains the video recordings of my short presentations, the most popular quotes, stories, announcement of future topics, visits, and in general the activities you may participate, all free of charge.

Use on-line promotion, take active part on forums under your full name, and make your appearances with the goal to be perceived and recognized in light of your new brand.

Leave nothing to chance, let your social profiles speak for you, be proactive, positive, consistent and you will be surely noticed.

Offline

Here we talk about the promotion in a real, not virtual world. Do you remember the story about Gandhi from the beginning of this chapter? Basic message is that you have to live your brand every day at every moment since just in that way you can reach the others.

Look perfect - People are strongly visually-oriented.Some researchers found that people make major opinion on you in the first four seconds. Every day before leaving home ask yourself: What clothes, watch, phone, and pendant do I wear?

How well you dressed are and what message do you send by your appearance?

You will never get a second chance to make the first impression.

All successful people I know pay great attention to their appearance and try to look the best they can in all situations. They leave nothing to chance. You never know, maybe just today when you are hoping the least, you will by pure accident bump into the person you want to meet for a long time and who is important for your success. I made some of my best contacts that later on helped me a lot in my job, at the airports.

It repeatedly surprises me how people are carelessly dressed in this situation, given that almost all successful people travel a lot, that they have to wait frequently long hours at the airports because the flights are often being delayed and behind schedules which gives a good opportunity for making contacts with somebody who, in normal circumstances, would not have time for shaking hands, let alone to talk with you.

Looking perfect, being among the well-groomed and dressed up people at a certain place will boost your self-confidence, reflect toward outside world a message of satisfaction, pride, positive energy and success, facilitating so your contact making or, at least helping you send a picture of your and your brand which you cherish so carefully.

My intention here is not to give fashion tips but to stress the following: If you aim to be successful and recognizable and well-known for your success, you have to follow some basic rules in your line of business.

Your appearance should be consistent with your occupation. So, if you belong to the business world your dressing should be conservative. Ideal colours for man's suit are dark blue and gray; wear solid shirts and ties without loud colours and patterns; wear the ones which fit into an overall picture you want to communicate to other people.Ladies should wear business suits with the appropriate length skirt, maybe a scarf that compliments the suit; less is better, less jewellery and less colour.

Use only a good and decent parfumes. Choose your shoes very carefully and make sure they are always polished and shined.

Subtle, quality accessories (hand watch, mobile telephone, type of computer, bag) mean a lot and can show that you pay attention to important details.

Hairstyle should be conservative and you should always be freshly shaved; look at yourself in a mirror and ask how you would like to be perceived by others and to what extent your appearance is in line with your brand.

Just one additional tip: when buying clothes, spend twice as much, buy half as much.

Go for quality over quantity. Follow the dressing styles of successful people, especially those who inspire you, and you will not make a mistake.

Seminars and conferences

Try to find out a year ahead which seminars or conferences are in your market niche and their schedules- when and where.

Attend those events, apply for them in advance and communicate with organizer and offer to participate as a speaker in one of the panel discussions or to take part in the very organization. Anyway, participate actively, ask questions and comment on the topics in line with you fields of interests. Make good preparation in advance, look like a person very familiar with the things a speaker talks about and very soon the news will be spread about you and your brand will become known and recognizable within the circle of people matters to you.

Articles and media

Contact professional magazine and mass media. Introduce the editors and journalists. Offer to write a text on the topic you should be known for. As with the seminars and conferences, do not expect to be paid for that at the very beginning; payment will come later on, once you build up your personal brand when the price will not be even mentioned, and when the only thing that matters will be your response to their invitation.Start with the minor, less known magazines. Send your article along with your impeccably created CV to other influential newspapers, expressing your readiness to write or comment on something similar for their newspapers, at the time and place convenient to them. Be persistent and calls will come and with each new success, your brand becomes more and more recognisable and people talk about you in various circles, without you being aware.

You continue to work on your promotion and all the sudden you become the brand you wish to be or the brand you wish to purchase for yourself.

C - Consistency No brand has been created overnight. Brand building is a long-term investment which brings you a great potential. In your lifespan you can change companies, occupations and even the countries you work in, and your brand will always go with you, even before you.

Building of a strong and consistent brand is time consuming process which requires patience, but most of all it requires consistency in everything you do, talk about, read, and visit. Your personal brand should always reflect your true personality, in other words, you have to live your personal brand.

Your office, working room, books you have on shelves, the car your drive, the hotels you stay in, promises you give, each and every part of your life should be personification of your brand.

Consistency is a trademark of big brands in the world, let it be the trademark of your brand too, of that famous stock "I" on life stock exchange which will many people demand because of its true value for what is not possible to determine the price.

Verdi wrote his masterpiece AIDA. Nowadays, a lot of marketing professionals use the name of that masterpiece as the abbreviation for various things.

I find it would be very convenient to use that abbreviation at the end of this chapter about branding as a set of steps you have to follow in order to make others to accept your brand, namely, to see you as you wish to be seen.

A - Attention (firstly, grab people's attention)

I- initiative (take an initiative, be proactive, promote your new brand))

D - Desire (arise in others a burning desire to recognize and talk about your brand)

A - Action (finally, be ready for action once your new brand becomes recognizable, attractive, appreciated and too good to be ignored).

https://ezinearticles.com/?Brand-Yourself---Essential-to-Your-Success&id=9975976

Criticism Nourishes A Man's Growth Without Destroying His Roots

Criticism is really negative. It can be so easy to judge people by their faults. When we condemn another person, we are actually casting judgment. Normally, the reason why we criticize others is that we don't want them to be the first one to look at our faults.

However, if criticism is taken objectively, we can turn it into an inspiration. When someone criticizes us, it means they want to give us feedback on what we're doing. It means providing a room for an opportunity to learn more.Take a moment to think before you respond to what they're saying.

It helps us become stronger. If we always think we're right but don't get feedback from anyone else, then it doesn't mean that what we're doing is good. Honest opinions will tell us exactly how to get away from those bad practices towards the good ones. Easier said than done, right? This can be particularly difficult when we're deeply involved but, if we can take a step back, we might see how to improve ourselves and avoid any negative impact.

The right kind of criticism can give you an advantage. Do not react harshly or resort to violence. Use positive language to arrive a win-win solution. The language you use in responding to a criticism is important. Try to avoid getting into an argument. Instead, turn the exchange into a discussion about how to resolve the problem. Turn your words into action to show that you can listen to feedback, respond in the correct way and still be productive.

Don't take it personally if someone doesn't immediately like us or even our work. Even if we feel we're being criticized unfairly, don't retaliate with an extreme reaction or else you cannot repair the damage. It can also harm our reputation. The best we can do is to learn from them. This might give us an avenue to change. But never do it to please other people but do it for ourselves.

There are times that the criticism is already too personal and below the belt. More likely than not, other just want to destroy our resolve. People are by nature subject to commit mistakes and it's important to remember to not be offended by someone's remarks. Take a criticism on board and not respond as though it's a personal attack. Make it work to our advantage or, if all else fails, leave with our reputation intact.

Good criticism is rare. It can take a long time to find people who know how to provide useful feedback, instead of simply telling what's wrong with you.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Criticism-Nourishes-A-Mans-Growth-Without-Destroying-His-Roots&id=9774783

12 Signs You Care Too Much About What Others Think of You (and what to do about it.)

Years ago, I missed the bus. On purpose.

And even though I could do a quick sprint and catch the bus on time – I chose not to.

Because I could already picture the bus doors closing right in front of me. I could already picture everyone on the bus making fun of me for missing the bus.

So I chose the cool route – pretending that I was just casually strolling on the sidewalk. Super cool, right? (But of course, I had to wait 20 minutes in the cold to catch the next one.)

I lovingly call this my extreme case of what will others think of me worry.

Here are 12 signs you too might be caught in that what will they think worry web:

1.  You are constantly evaluating yourself through their eyes. It’s as if there’s a constant commentary running through your mind, pointing out where you are falling short and not meeting expectations.

2.  You are making their behavior mean something about you. When they don’t respond to an email right away, you must have done something wrong. Or it’s proof that they don’t like you.

3.  You are crushed by feedback – even though you often seek it out and you intellectually know feedback helps you grow. You take their comments personally – as proof you are not good enough.

4.  You want to say the right thing at the right time. So you self-censor a lot, afraid you might say something that might turn them off. And so to be on the safe side, you don’t speak up, you don’t share your idea or your opinion.

5.  You try to make everyone like you. You go out of your way to be interested in the same things they are, to like the same things they like, to make good conversation about things that light them up without sharing what lights you up. Because that might turn them off.

6.  You crave harmony and don’t get angry often – for some reason it feels as if you’re not allowed to do so. Yet you are very understanding when someone else gets mad.

7.  You tune down what you know, because others might think you’re a know-it-all. You believe that not showing what you’re capable of, will make others feel more comfortable.

8.  You are putting yourself last, secretly feeling resentful when they don’t seem to notice your sacrifices.

9.  You secretly feel ashamed about the things that truly light you up, because they seem so different from what the people around you seem to appreciate.

10.  You have a hard time asking for help because they might think you’re not competent or capable enough to handle it on your own.

11.  You have a hard time saying no, because they might get mad or be disappointed in you.

12.  You find yourself trapped in life that sounded promising, but that doesn’t fulfill you. But you’re too afraid to make a change, because they might judge you (and you’d make a fool of yourself).

But the truth is – no matter how careful you are, you can not make everyone like you. Living a comment-proof life, always being careful not to ever upset anyone, is not possible.

And trying is just plain exhausting and draining. It’s a recipe for burning out, even though on the outside, you’re walking around with a big “I’m doing great!” smile.

It sounds counterintuitive, but the most effortless, nurturing way to build genuine connections and a life you love, is to be willing not to be liked by everyone.

You get to

1. genuinely connect with people who get you, who love to talk about the same things, share the same interests or have different views that genuinely fascinate you,
2. use your talents and strengths to create the work only you can create and be genuinely appreciated for it,
3. do things that light you up, honoring your unique voice and flaunt your one-of-a-kind style, so you genuinely feel fulfilled.

So allow yourself to do your thing, regardless of what they might say.

And keep in mind that their “not liking you” is not a reflection of your value as a person. It’s just a reflection of their preferences, needs, expectations, ideas, beliefs.

By the way – on my way back home from work, I saw my bus just driving

off (true story!). Technically, I had missed the bus again. But remembering that morning’s incident, I waved to the bus driver, thinking “What’s the worst that can happen? He says no, driving on with a bus full of strangers making fun of me. I’ll just catch the next bus and that’s that.”

And guess what – he opened the bus door and I jumped on. Now how cool is that?

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/12-signs-you-care-too-much-about-what-others-think-of-you-and-what-to-do-about-it/

The Story Behind Complaining

Complaints. Complaints, complaining, complained. Now, if you're wondering why I've written the word 'complain' so many times in different ways then that's just because I'm trying to prove a point. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Oh no! She's going to start complaining about people who complain! Quickly exit this page!"

Well, don't worry. I'm not here to nag you about how complaining is wrong and how it's 'not nice' and everything, because sadly, I too complain about things a lot as well, even though I'm trying to consciously stop it. Most of us do complain, whether it's for the good or bad it doesn't matter. But for some reason we've all been programmed to do so.

There are some who are told never to complain. That doesn't really help, either. You see when someone tries not to do something, they are actually suppressing the need to say how they feel which isn't exactly a good thing. A thought that isn't said out loud is kind of like a seed being planted in the dark. It would eventually grow into a tree which bears fruits. In the case of suppressing thoughts and opinions you would one day find that the thoughts you have once kept in the dark exploding inside of you.

But if you bring a seed into the light it loses the ability to grow and thus you will eventually learn to manage the thoughts you once suppressed.

Complaints actually can help people improve. But in that case you aren't really complaining. You're actually giving feedback to someone in hopes that they can improve on themselves and you wouldn't want to actually find any faults in them. Instead you genuinely want to help them find ways to make themselves better.

The difference is when we complain about something because we are finding faults in it. When we are just finding faults in people and in the situations that we come across, we are basically just finding faults in ourselves. Ever heard the saying 'The world is just a reflection of you'? Well, believe it or not, it's actually true!

You see whenever you think, say or do something, you send out powerful vibrations that attract to you the environment around you. If that sounded too science-y, to put it in simple words, anything that happens around you is because of you!

So when you are complaining about something, do remember that you are the one that put yourself into that mess in the first place. Without your thoughts, words and actions the annoying situation in front of you would not be able to take place!

The annoying friend you have? That's because of you!

Your teacher/boss/parent that keeps nagging at you? That's because of you too!

The cat that pooped on your lawn that's always causing trouble around your neighborhood? Guess what? It's also because of your thoughts!

So, how do you stop this? First things first. Try to consciously take effort not to complain about the things that go wrong to your friends, instead try countering it by counting your blessings and feeling grateful for the things that went right in your day.

Slowly, as you regain conscious control of your thoughts, you will find that you are more likely to see the brighter side of things whenever situations occur in which you would usually feel the need to complain about.

Start slowly... but just don't forget to start. So, Good Luck! And I'll see you at the brighter side.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Story-Behind-Complaining&id=9290823

Metaperceptions: How Do You See Yourself?

To navigate the social universe, you need to know what others think of you—although the clearest view depends on how you see yourself.

I gave a toast at my best friend's wedding last summer, a speech I carefully crafted and practised delivering. And it went well: The bride and groom beamed; the guests paid attention and reacted in the right spots; a waiter gave me a thumbs-up. I was relieved and pleased with myself. Until months later—when I saw the cold, hard video documentation of the event. As I watched myself getting ready to make the toast, a funny thing happened. I got butterflies in my stomach all over again. I was nervous for myself, even though I knew the outcome would be just fine. Except maybe the jitters were warranted. The triumph of that speech in my mind's eye morphed into the duller reality unfolding on the TV screen. My body language was awkward. My voice was grating. My facial expressions, odd. My timing, not quite right. Is this how people saw me? It's a terrifying thought: What if I possess a glaring flaw that everyone notices but me? Or, fears aside, what if there are a few curious chasms between how I view myself and how others view me? What if I think I'm efficient but I'm seen as disorganized? Critical, but perceived as accepting?

While many profess not to care what others think, we are, in the end, creatures who want and need to fit into a social universe. Humans are psychologically suited to interdependence. Social anxiety is really just an innate response to the threat of exclusion; feeling that we're not accepted by a group leaves us agitated and depressed.
The ability to intuit how people see us is what enables us to authentically connect to others and to reap the deep satisfaction that comes with those ties. We can never be a fly on the wall to our own personality dissections, watching as people pick us apart after meeting us. Hence we are left to rely on the accuracy of what psychologists call our "metaperceptions"—the ideas we have about others' ideas about us.
The bottom line: It comes down to what you think about yourself


Your ideas about what others think of you hinge on your self-concept—your own beliefs about who you are. "You filter the cues that you get from others through your self-concept," explains Mark Leary, professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
Our self-concept is fundamentally shaped by one person in particular: Mama. How our mother (or primary caregiver) responded to our first cries and gestures heavily influences how we expect to be seen by others. "Children behave in ways that perpetuate what they have experienced," says Martha Farrell Erickson, senior fellow with the Children, Youth and Family Consortium at the University of Minnesota. "A child who had an unresponsive mother will act obnoxious or withdrawn so that people will want to keep their distance. Those with consistently responsive mothers are confident and connect well with their peers."
As an infant scans his mother's face he absorbs clues to who he is; as adults we continue to search for our reflections in others' eyes. While the parent-child bond is not necessarily destiny, it does take quite a bit to alter self-concepts forged in childhood, whether good or bad. People rely on others' impressions to nurture their views about themselves, says William Swann, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin. His research shows that people with negative self-concepts goad others to evaluate them harshly, especially if they suspect the person likes them—they would rather be right than be admired.

The top line: You probably do know what people think of you
But it's likely you don't know any one person's assessment. "We have a fairly stable view of ourselves," says Bella DePaulo, visiting professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara. "We expect other people to see that same view immediately." And they do. On average there is consensus about how you come off. But you can't apply that knowledge to any one individual, for a variety of reasons.
For starters, each person has an idiosyncratic way of sizing up others that (like metaperceptions themselves) is governed by her own self-concept. A person you meet will assess you through her unique lens, which lends consistency to her views on others. Some people, for example, are "likers" who perceive nearly everyone as good-natured and smart.
Furthermore, if a particular person doesn't care for you, it won't always be apparent. "People are generally not direct in everyday interactions," says DePaulo. Classic work by psychologist Paul Ekman has shown that most people can't tell when others are faking expressions. Who knows how many interactions you've walked away from thinking you were a hit while your new friend was actually faking agreeability?
And there's just a whole lot going on when you meet someone. You're talking, listening and planning what you're going to say next, as well as adjusting your nonverbal behavior and unconsciously responding to the other person's. DePaulo calls it "cognitive busyness."
Because of all we have to contend with, she says, we are unable to effectively interpret someone else's reactions. "We take things at face value and don't really have the means to infer others' judgements." Until afterward, of course, when you mull over the interaction, mining your memory for clues.

Context is key
While our personalities (and self-concepts) are fairly consistent across time and place, some situations, by their very structure, can change or even altogether wipe out your personality. You might feel like the same old you wherever you are, but the setting and role you happen to be playing affect what people think of you. Suppose you describe yourself as light hearted and talkative. Well, no one could possibly agree if they meet you at your brother's funeral.

What type of person can handle feedback…
Are you open to experience? Are you, say, perennially taking up new musical instruments or scouting out-of-the-way neighbourhoods? If so, your curiosity will drive you to learn new things about the world and yourself. You'll be inclined to ask people how you're doing as you embark on new challenges, and you will gather a clearer idea of how you come off to others, says David Funder, professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside.
People endowed with the trait of physical awareness have a keen sense of how they present themselves. If you are concerned with the observable parts of personality—voice, posture, clothes and walk—as an actor would be, says Funder, "you will control the impression you give, and your self-perception will be more accurate." If, for example, you slouch but don't know it, your droopy posture registers in the minds of those you meet and enters into how they see you—unbeknownst to you.
If you are someone who craves approval, you will tend to think you make a positive impression on other people. And generally, you will, says DePaulo.
People who have learned to regulate their emotions are in a much better position to know what others think of them, says Carroll Izard, professor of psychology at the University of Delaware: "They are able to detect emotions on others' faces and to feel empathy." If you are either overwhelmed with feelings or unable to express them at all, it becomes difficult to interpret someone else's response to you. Learning to give concrete expression to your feelings and to calm yourself in highly charged moments will give you a much better grip on your own and others' internal states.
Those with personalities that feed the accuracy of their metaperceptions are handsomely rewarded. "The more accurate you are about how others perceive you, the better you fare socially," says Leary. "Think of a person who thinks he's really funny but isn't. He interprets polite laughter as genuine laughter, but everyone is on to him and annoyed by him."

…And what kind of person rejects feedback
There are people who behave in ways that prevent them from getting direct feedback from others, which renders them less able to know how they come off. Maybe you're a boss who is prickly and hostile in the face of criticism. Or a student who bursts into tears over a bad evaluation. Either way, coworkers and teachers will start leaving you in the dark to fumble over your own missteps.
Such demeanor may even encourage others to lie to you, says DePaulo. You may project a fragility that makes others afraid they will break you by offering honest criticism.
Narcissism also blocks metaperception. Instead of wincing, as "normal" subjects do, when forced to see themselves onscreen, narcissists become even more self-biased, finds Oliver John, professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley. When he and his team videotaped people diagnosed as pathological narcissists, a group absorbed with themselves, their subjects loved watching the footage and uniformly thought they came off beautifully! The finding underscores how fiercely we defend our self-concepts, even if they reflect psychological instability. —Carlin Flora

How to Solicit a Character Critique (Yours!)

Muster your courage and set up an "exit interview" if you're left wondering why a relationship went south. In a spirit of fact-finding—that is, without hostility—contact your ex and ask for an honest and kind discussion of how things went awry. You're not looking to get your ex back (or get back at your ex) but to gather information to prevent lightning from striking twice. Ask questions ("What could I have done better?") and listen. Be sure you don't use the conversation to justify your old behavior.
Shyness: a double whammy


If you are socially anxious (otherwise known as shy), you likely fret that you don't come off well. Unfortunately, you're probably right. Shy people convey unflattering impressions of themselves, says DePaulo. But not for the reasons they think. People don't see them as lacking in smarts, wit or attractiveness but as haughty and detached. When you're anxious, you fail to ask others about themselves or put them at ease in any way, which can be seen as rude and self-centred.
In a way, many shy people are self-centred, points out Bernie Carducci, psychologist at Indiana University Southeast and author of Shyness: A Bold New Approach. They imagine that everyone is watching and evaluating their every move. They think they are the centre of any social interaction, and because they can't stand that, they shut down (unlike anexhibitionist, who would relish it). Socially anxious people are so busy tracking what others think that they can't act spontaneously. Still, many people find them endearing, precisely because they don't hog attention.

The powerful and the beautiful
Neither group gets accurate feedback. "People are too dazzled or intimidated to react honestly to them," says Funder. Michael Levine, the head of a Hollywood public relations agency, has run up against many such people, who end up with a deluded sense of self thanks to a coterie of sycophants. If you are among the bold and the beautiful, he says, you must invite feedback by playing on the fact that people want desperately to be liked by you. "You must let them know that your approval is conditional upon their honesty with you."

Don't worry—you're not see-through
The traits others judge us on fall roughly into two categories—visible and invisible. Funder has found that others notice our visible traits more than we ourselves do (the eye, after all, can't see its own lashes, as the Chinese proverb goes). You would rate yourself higher on the characteristic of "daydreams" than others would—simply because they cannot easily discern whether or not you're a daydreamer. They'll tend to assume you're not.
The good news, however, is that on a scale of physical attractiveness, others always rate you about one point higher than you rate yourself. This applies to "charm," too—another characteristic you can't easily convey to yourself, one that others naturally have a better window onto. "Imagine trying to be charming while alone on a desert island," Funder observes.
One common concern is that internal states are evident for all to see. In a study where subjects did some public speaking and then rated their own performances, the anxious ones in the group gave themselves a low rating, thinking that their inner churning was apparent to all. But audiences reported that they did just fine.
"Invisible" traits aren't entirely invisible—at least not to close friends. But an anxious friend would still rate herself higher on worry than we would.
The invisible/visible trait divide helps explain why people agree more on your positive attributes than your negative ones, says Eric Turkheimer, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. "First of all, people are less honest about their own negative traits," he says, "and many of these are 'stealth' traits. You'd have to know someone really well to have any thoughts on whether or not he 'feels empty inside,' for example."

Self-awareness: a blessing and a curse


There is one sure way to see yourself from others' perspective—on videotape (as I did post-toast). But remember, the image is still filtered through your self-concept—it's still you watching you. Paul Silvia, assistant professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, points to an experiment in which psychologically healthy adults watched tapes of themselves giving group presentations. They described it as quite sobering. They cued into their faults and judged themselves much more harshly than they would have had they relied on their own impressions of the experience. You evaluate yourself much more critically when you are self-aware, because you are focused on your failure to meet internal standards.
If I watch myself on tape, I'm not only viewing with my self-concept in mind, I'm comparing "me" to my "possible selves," the "me's" I wish to become. Here is where an unbridgeable gap opens up between people: I will never have a sense of anyone else's possible selves, nor they mine.
So, should we just rely on our memories of events, protective of self-esteem as they are, and eschew concrete documentation of ourselves? Not necessarily, says Silvia. But the dilemma reveals how self-awareness is a double-edged sword. Self-awareness furnishes a deep, rich self-concept—but it also can be paralysing, warns Leary, author of The Curse of the Self: Self-Awareness, Egotism and the Quality of Human Life. "It leads you to overanalyze others' reactions to you and misinterpret them."
Many of the most unpleasant shades on our emotional palettes—embarrassment, shame, envy—exist solely in the interpersonal realm. We cannot feel them until we are self-aware enough to worry what others think about us. These emotions are supposed to motivate us to cut out potentially self-destructive behaviours. But, Leary points out, given the brain's natural bias toward false alarms, people feel overly embarrassed. Too much concern about what others think can only constrict behavior and stifle the spirit.

Do you really want to know how you come off?
Report cards and annual reviews give you information on your performance in school and at work. But you'll rarely be treated to a straightforward critique of your character—unless someone blurts one out in a heated argument or you solicit it directly. "You could always ask a family member or someone else who knows you are stuck with them to tell you honestly what they think of you," says Funder. Publicist Levine took this approach a bit further when he asked several ex-girlfriends to each list three positive and three negative aspects of being in a relationship with him. "There was some consistency in their answers," he says. "It was challenging to take it in, but really helpful."
"There's always a trade-off between how you want to feel and what you want to know," says DePaulo. If ignorance is bliss, maybe it's best to trust someone's instinct to protect you. "But there are times when you really need accurate feedback," she says, "such as when you are trying to decide if you would be good in a certain career."
Perhaps the delicate balance between feeling good about yourself and knowing exactly how you come off is best maintained not by all those elusive "others." Maybe it's maintained by your most significant ones, the people who will keep you in line but appreciate you for who you are, not just for the impressions you leave behind

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200505/metaperceptions-how-do-you-see-yourself

.