How to Stop Imposter Syndrome in Her Tracks and Be More UP Yourself (By Alexandria Joy)

We've all experienced it at some time in our life. Feeling like we're not good enough, like we'll be found out or like we're out of our depth.

Damn you imposter syndrome. She sure can hit hard, especially for us women. It's so common that I included a question in my Cards for Uniqueness pack asking

"When have you ever felt or acted like an imposter?"

I find it fascinating to hear people's responses to the question, particularly if they draw the card during our podcast interview. No matter what their background or story they can always remember a moment when they felt it most poignantly.

The truth is it can happen to anyone at any time regardless of our experience, status, position or title. It can happen professionally and even socially. You know the feeling - that internal knot, that questioning mind, it undermines our competence, capability and confidence And once it's started it can be a slippery slope to go down.

So we want to identify her, call her out and stop her in her tracks when she tries to take a grip. Here are 3 ways to STOP imposter syndrome in her tracks and be more UP Yourself:

"I'm not doing it unless I can do it perfectly."

Stop being a perfectionist princess, she's one of impostor syndromes best friends. This thinking is highly damaging to your self-esteem aka being UP Yourself. I know what you're thinking, but isn't it important to do a good job? Of course it is but setting excessively high goals and standards for yourself will most certainly leave you feeling inadequate and like an imposter when you fail to reach the goal. You set yourself up for failure and then you get to beat yourself up for not measuring up!

Tip: Stop trying to control everything princess. When you miss your ridiculous self-imposed mark on something, do not you accuse yourself of "not being cut out" for you're the task. No-one can be perfect and do perfect work must be 100 per cent of the time.

If you find yourself constantly believing you could've done even better then start owning and celebrating your achievements and taking your mistakes in your stride, viewing them as a natural part of the process. Truth is, there will never be the "perfect time" and your work will never be a perfect 10. The sooner you accept that and be more UPtimistic, the better off you'll be.

"I was just lucky."

So you think you've got lady luck on your side huh? All the time? Seriously.

Be more up yourself woman. You've worked hard to get where you are right? If you keep putting down your successes and achievements to luck, your imposter just might start feeding you BS like you'll be found out and you won't be able to continue your success. Luck is when opportunity and preparation meet and I'm guessing you've been doing a lot of preparation which takes competence and persistence. Sure lady luck can shine on us every once in a while but you've got to remember and recognise all that you've done to contribute to your own success. Bottoms Up!

"Oh it was nothing really."

Imposter syndrome sucks when it stops you from seeing yourself your own brilliance. Especially here in Australia where tall poppy syndrome is rife people are so afraid of appearing up themselves that they are more likely to put themselves down and reduce their efforts to nothing. Problem is good old imposter gets strong every time you do this. It strengthens your neural pathways and her power over you. If you constantly hear yourself saying, "Oh, it was nothing. I'm sure anyone could have done it." Or "It was no big deal, really." Then you know you're falling for the disease of tall poppy. Time to be more UP Yourself - focus on doing your absolute best and when you do and someone complements you simply say "Why thank you." Cue loud applause.

Go in and UP!

Isn't it time you stopped playing small and letting the imposter within you win. You've come too far to not start believing in yourself and worry about what your little inner voice is saying. Being more UP Yourself is a decision. Decide to back yourself because you're worth it.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Stop-Imposter-Syndrome-in-Her-Tracks-and-Be-More-UP-Yourself&id=10021973

Okay, So You Messed Up - Now What?

Okay. So you did something wrong. Maybe you made a social blunder; maybe you carried out some task and failed. In short: You messed up.

For people with low confidence, failure can be downright devastating.

I know. Because I used to be ashamed of things I did or said. All the time.

And I'm not talking about calmly realizing one's wrongdoing and immediately learning from it. I'm talking an involuntary panic-anxiety-attack-like-muscle-spasms-complete-with-grinding-teeth-and-making-noises sorta sensation.

With an inner voice going like: "Screw you! You messed up, and you're useless! You're unable to do anything right, and you should be locked away! You messed up, and that's all you're ever gonna do!"

Every day, several times.

And it doesn't even have to be something big. It could be a misused word, a social faux pas... anything.

When non-fident people react drastically to making any kind of mistake, it's because non-fidence is often accompanied by low self-esteem, perfectionism, and insecurity.

When we have low self-esteem, we tend to judge ourselves more vigorously than we would our peers. If we don't like ourselves, we're hard on ourselves. Simple as that.

But moreover, if we don't allow for ourselves to make mistakes, we develop perfectionism. Which, in turn, makes it seem so much worse to us when we do make a mistake. - Or even do something in a manner less than "perfect". (Which, as I've written about before, is a BS notion.)

And then there's the insecurity, which doesn't allow for much space for mistakes, nor for even trying. This is governed by the amygdala - the reptilian part of our brain - most commonly known for our "fight or flight" mechanism.

See, amongst our primitive ancestors, social identity was way more important than today. Dangers were all around. If you messed up something, it could get you expelled from your tribe and thrown out into the wilderness on your own.

All of this perfectly illustrates the dangerous downward spiral of non-fidence. If we have low regard for ourselves we make less space for ourselves to make mistakes. This, in turn, causes making mistakes to be even more likely, which, then, will only lead to much more self-loathing and shame.

Because we DO make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. We know this perfectly well, yet tend to act like we're the only flawed person alive.

But here's the kicker:

Confident people make WAY many more mistakes than less confident people.

The more confident you are, the less regard you give to other people's opinion about you. The higher you think of yourself, the less you worry about making mistakes. You know perfectly well that your rights outnumber your wrongs. You know perfectly well that you're able to learn from your mistakes.

Indeed, if you don't make mistakes, you can never learn. And if you don't learn, you don't grow.

In other words:

For every time you messed up something in life, you had the opportunity to learn, grow, and prevent yourself from making the same mistake again.

So get out there and mess up. Badly. Learn, improve, repeat. And as you learn and grow, watch as your confidence grows with you.

ACTION ITEM:

The next time you're embarrassed about something, use the following method:

1. Stop what you're doing.
2. Breathe. Ten long, deep breaths.
3. Think. Realize that whatever negative response on your part are merely thoughts, and that they're not necessarily true, constructive or favourable.
4. Choose how you want to feel about what happened. Do you genuinely want to be ashamed? Or would you rather accept, learn, and grow?

The choice is yours.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Okay,-So-You-Messed-Up---Now-What?&id=9733260

Is This One Core Belief Affecting Your Whole Life? (By Kate Strong)

  

Realisation

When I got up this morning I proceeded to vacuum the lounge as we were having a property inspection today. I didn't worry about it too much as the property manager knows we keep the house clean.

I realised when I was vacuuming that I was going over spots twice, and asked myself what I was thinking, because I knew this inspection was no big deal.

I heard "You've done something wrong."

Then a flood of realisations came into my mind. If I don't turn that belief in against myself, I turn it out on others.

Everything in my life is filtered through that belief. To the point its caused perfectionism and OCD with checking I have done something, or being on top of things.

I noticed too that it wasn't "I've" but "You've", as if it was something coming from outside of me.

Being Wrong

My son came around last night for dinner and to show me his photos from his holiday in Europe. He went to Auschwitz, and I realised that belief is rife in that camp too. Those poor people were treated as if they had done something wrong just for being born who they were.

Everything in my life has been slapped with this belief.

The abortion I had, every decision I have made, even down to a daily basis about what order I choose to do things in. My friend who died didn't fight for her life, and I didn't do any healing on her.

I'm working on my fitness at the moment, and I'm sore ALL the time, so I think I've done something wrong. To the point that I've asked a personal trainer about it.

Taking medication for high blood pressure means I must have done something wrong.

I think the core of it in this lifetime was the energy from my Grandmother to my Mother and her disapproval at my conception.

Wrong Direction

On a physical level the adrenals really get taxed by this belief. The adrenals are about providing energy to drive you in the right direction, but if you're always telling yourself that you're heading in the wrong direction, making the wrong decision, then the adrenals never get a rest.

Positive

On the positive side it has lead me down a lot of avenues I may not have gone down, maybe I wouldn't have achieved all I have if I didn't have this belief. Maybe I wouldn't have started this business if I didn't have this belief.

Maybe believing that this belief has impacted my life detrimentally is still this belief operating.

Do You Have This Core Belief Driving You?

http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-This-One-Core-Belief-Affecting-Your-Whole-Life?&id=9615444

Postponing Procrastination

Procrastination: on goals, actions, to-do lists, ideas. The report that needs to be done, presentation to prepare, even fitness targets we want to achieve. They can start piling up and lead us to feel overwhelmed, which may make us procrastinate even more.

Have you been known to decide to start a task, only to immediately go and put the kettle on? Have you justified leaving a task because you need to be in the right mood, or have enough time to tackle it? Or completed easier, or fun tasks, over and above the ones you know you "should" be doing?

Wouldn't it be good if you could understand why you procrastinate and how you can get into the right state of mind when you need it, so that you can maintain your motivation, purpose and drive?

This is where an in-depth self-awareness is key. People often sabotage their own success through perfectionism, fear of failure or making mistakes, or simply not playing to their own strengths. Additionally, it could be due to:

• Negative self-talk can reduce self-esteem and confidence.
• Telling yourself you "should" do something, rather than "could", implies judgement rather than a sense of hopefulness
• Perfectionism can sometimes hide a fear of not doing something well/right or thoughts of never being allowed to make a mistake
• Cognitive bias such as Imposter Syndrome can make us worry that we'll be found out as frauds and that we don't deserve to be doing what we're doing.

We procrastinate often because there's a fear to our sense of worth, and our "reward" (or feel good) system is threatened. We like fun and stress-free today, not to feel all these concerns.

But this means we're not very good at looking out for our future self. I often ask clients, "what would your future-self say to you right now? Would they be asking you to get on with it, so that they don't have twice as much work or have a serious deadline to do it all in?"

Procrastination is making our future-self pay the price of us not doing something today. When we procrastinate, we are valuing the current moment more than what we're going to have to go through later. Sometimes all we need to do is think about how much more work our future-self will have to do, to get us to start now.

As well as asking ourselves these questions, we need to work out if we have any beliefs that are causing us to put off doing the important things, and therefore putting our future self under more pressure. Our brains don't like moving outside of our comfort zone, without a lot of confidence and determination, so we'll find ways of not having to go there. Our past can haunt our current thinking. But when we feel confident, we're happy to take action.

Consider the following:

• Work out what triggers you to put things off. What are you concerned about or avoiding? For example, failure, criticism, rejection?
• Do you need to improve your knowledge or skills?
• Get rid of external distractions - ensure a tidy work space, turn the phone off, close down social media, turn off the email notification ping!
• Prioritise your to-do list, thinking about what is really essential.
• Break down actions to small, achievable tasks.
• Also delegate or even delete things where you can.
• Focus your mind on getting started. You'll be surprised how much you can get done once you get started! It's the thought of it that can often put us off.
• Celebrate achievements and successes. When your mind can see results, overwhelm reduces.

Lastly, are there any habits that are contributing to not getting things done. For instance, coming home and switching the TV on, spending 2 hours checking emails in the morning, even finding housework that for some reason needs to be done right now! Not that these are from personal experience!!

Just consider all that you can achieve when you postpone your procrastination! Your future self will really appreciate it.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Postponing-Procrastination&id=9741036

What Scares You?

Fear can be a very powerful emotion that forms the bars of our emotional cages. Often we worry about things that haven't even happened yet! Control, perfectionism, worry, fear and anxiety are all cousins that feed each other.

When we are afraid, we try to control things and that can lead to perfectionism. If life isn't as "perfect" as we hoped it would be, then worry and anxiety can keep us awake at night and in a state of alert during our waking hours.

There are always things that generate fear but there are also things that can be done to reduce anxiety: 

1. Media - Having twenty-four hour access to world news can be a threat to good mental health. Journalists used to report the news. I find that now they spin the news with opinion that is meant to attract attention through sensationalism, a situation that evokes negative emotions. The solution: Limit yourself! 

2. Illness - The strange thing is that if you worry too much about your physical or mental health, you become more vulnerable. Do what you can to stay well but don't invest too much of your time thinking about the worst things that might happen. 

3. Relationships - You do have control - but only about your own thoughts, feelings and actions. No matter how badly you want another person to change, you cannot orchestra that. Know your limits. You can encourage and offer ideas but the buck stops with the other person. Live and let live! 

4. Weather - Good luck with that one! Just make sure that you don't make foolish decisions such as heading out into a storm or ignoring warnings given by experts who have accurate information about patterns that are threatening. 

5. Finances - The formula is very simple. Spend less than your income. If you are not sure where to start or how to lay out a plan, book an appointment with a professional who will help you. 

6. Career - When you are unhappy in your work it is time to consider your options. Often a short retraining program will open up a new and exciting opportunity for you. Don't just sit and wait for something to happen. Make it happen! 

7. Social settings - When you avoid activities because you think that others will judge you - think again! Most people are so involved in their own lives and interests that they actually are not giving you much notice at all. Learning a few skills can build your confidence and help you to enjoy time with others. 

8. Unfamiliar situations - The best way to deal with the unknown is to get good information. For example, if you are to appear in Court, do some research in advance. Visit the Court House and ask staff about expectations and procedures. If you need to travel to an unfamiliar area, consider your options and plan the route in advance. Choose the times when there will be less traffic. Be proactive rather than reactive.

The New Living translation of ancient scriptures offers us all good advice: 

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Really, it is all about focus. Focus on trouble and it is yours! Focus on positives and you win!

The choice is yours.

http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Scares-You?&id=9634269

You're Still a Good Person

So we had a few hiccups with putting together a new group program, relatively small considering. However, it really did provide a great lesson in letting go and teaching here. Of course no one ever likes to make mistakes and wants to be professional, but sometimes things do happen.

As a business owner when a mistake occurs, we can either:

A) Realize things are going to happen and decide to let it go. Do what we can to make things right and learn for next time.

B) Take it personally. Let perfectionism and feelings of failure take over, which in-turn spirals down into feeling like a bad person.

I chose A, but I wouldn't have always. My old pattern is B. Perfectionism when understood correctly, is really about trying to get love and approval from someone else outside of us. Chances are we will never get that love and approval at least in the way we're looking for it. That's because we need to look within for that self-love instead. It's an inside job.

Perfectionism shows-up in needing to make everything "perfect" so that we don't fail and make a mistake, and then not get that love and approval we're so desperate for. It's foreign unconscious, and then shows-up everywhere. In business, relationships, friendships and even health!

Well, what happens if we allow ourselves to make a mistake?

Here is a list of the goodness I have realized:

1. You grow faster. The more you allow yourself to fall the faster you learn.

2. You learn from your mistakes. A great mentor of mine once said, there is no such thing as failure only feedback. These opportunities are filled with feedback; i.e. what do you need to tweak, add in, change, let go of, etc. in order to have a better business? I now know NOT to offer pricing in a different currency! Currency is a moving target and you can never guarantee that exact amount. You don't need to make that mistake directly - learn from mine.

3. You show you're human. Who wants to be around someone who never makes mistakes? This shows you are human and allows them to be the same.

4. It's all about how you deal with the mistake that matters. This is a great opportunity to show your true character, which is hopefully being of utmost service for your clients. How can you make the situation right? How can you go above and beyond? How can you show your clients they are important to you? What an amazing experience to show you care and build connection!

Last but not least, how can you strengthen your relationship with yourself? Where you feel worthy and loveable deep down, where you give yourself the love, compassion and space to make mistakes?

Practice this daily.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Youre-Still-a-Good-Person&id=9657537

Networking Is A Life Skill (By Lynette Crane)

I hear it over and over again: "I can't network. I'm an introvert." "I don't know what to say." "I don't want to brag." A lot of people don't like networking, but the bulk of them seem to be introverts.

I'm an introvert, too, and I'm also an entrepreneur, having to teach myself along the way how to reach out and build that body of interested people who support and buy what I do. To make it even harder, I retired in California, moved back to Minneapolis, waited a few years, and then found I wanted to start a business in a city where I had no business contacts and only one friend (a nun).

Business coaches stymied me from the start, because they would start by saying: "First, send a warm letter to all of your friends, telling them what you're doing and asking for their support."

Oh. A fellow coach wailed that she only had 100 friends on her Christmas card list, and I was awed by her popularity. This was an exercise at which I never excelled, because my Christmas card list was five.

Introverts, whom I often call the "Quietly Brilliant," are very likely to have one or two very deep friendships and a moderate number of pleasant acquaintances. This is dangerous for many reasons, among them the fact that those one or two deep relationships, whether professional or personal, can disappear in a wink of an eye, for such reasons as:

• You lose your job
• Your company moves and you don't
• Your supportive boss - who really liked you - leaves
• Divorce - and your best friend disappears
• Marriage (of a friend who disappears into a different social circle)
• Your BFF is transferred or moves
• Death of a close friend or loved one
• You move! As I did.

And you are stricken, dealing with loss, and suddenly finding that you need to find some way to search for and find a replacement for that Very Important Person. Where do you go? How do you do it?

If you don't have a plan and haven't been practicing how to connect with others, the poorest time to start networking is when you are dealing with loss. So start practicing now.

Here's my starting point for introverts who are "socially cautious":

Step 1: Find friendly people with whom to connect. 
We introverts tend to look for reasons why it would be uncomfortable or even dangerous to approach other people. (Years of being told we're too quiet, we should get out more, we should speak up, etc., have made us wary of other people and their potential disapproval and left us with the idea that we are somehow odd and unique. In fact, we're over 50% of the population.)

Instead, try this simple exercise for a week or so: Suspend your sense of uniqueness and look for similarities between yourself and others. If they're similar to you, how can they be so unapproachable?

For example, I am not a sports fan. Repeat, just N O T A S P O R T S fan. But because I was a ballet dancer, I can relate to how passionate someone can become about physical performance and competition. As I was growing up, I read every history book about ballet, and followed the careers of prominent dancers, so I can relate to how concerned someone can become about athletes, teams, their history and their current challenges. Therefore, I have a basis for conversation with someone I might have dismissed as too different. I can empathize with the thought of what an injury does to peak performance (of oneself or of an idol), how draining and humiliating defeat in an athletic arena can feel, and so on.

We don't see a lot of friendly people out there because we haven't believed it. We tend to think we are unique. But they are out there, just as anxious as we are, and wanting to share their enthusiasms but don't, perhaps believing no one will understand.

Connecting personally with others is an important first step to setting up business connections that last.

Step 2: Reach out and empathize. Make a simple comment, not too personal but delivered with a smile, that shows you have some idea of what the other person is going through. For the clerk in a store: "It must be tiring lifting and scanning all those items every day." For the deliveryman, "What a lovely day for an outdoor job," or "This weather must really make your job harder." Short contacts, no further interaction required (although you'll be surprised at how often it triggers conversation).

Practice in these low-risk situations and it will become easier in situations where you really need to meet new people.

Step 3: Spread your thanks around as if they were fertilizer (because they are). Ditto for compliments.

Park the perfectionism you probably have as an introvert: keep it for serious stuff, such as your income tax return, operating heavy equipment, or doing brain surgery. It doesn't belong in human relationships. Be forgiving and empathize with little mistakes if they are not too serious.

Thank the person who stops to hold the door open for you, pauses to let you enter a line of traffic, the clerk who discovers you didn't take your small change or points out an even greater bargain than what you have selected, the person who asks about your recent health issue - all of these people deserve thanks for their consideration.

Try thanking a co-worker who completes a routine job for which he or she is paid. You may believe it's simply their duty, but anyone can become fatigued doing their duty day after day and being taken for granted.

Interestingly enough, being thankful openly makes it easier to point out those little mistakes others have made. You are beginning to develop "social capital."

These are the preliminary steps to becoming a socially confident networker; there are many more. But if you can't recognize how important this process is, and how easy it is, once you know the right steps, you will never start.

With networking, you can develop social capital, a bank account of good will on which you can draw, but into which you must make deposits. Social capital can bring you:

• Help and moral support when you need it.
• Increased inter- & intra-departmental collaboration at work.
• New business.
• A promotion or new job.
• Opportunities - more than you ever dreamed of in more areas than you now recognize.
• ... not to mention the increased warmth and ease you will feel in numerous social settings.

Networking is something we do - or don't do - all day long. When you discover that not networking takes at least as much energy as actually doing it (not knowing where to go for help or resources, dealing with anxiety over replacing a loss, and more) you are on the path to an expanded future. Because networking is a journey, not an action.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Networking-Is-A-Life-Skill&id=9479528

7 Top Causes of Procrastination: Deal With It Efficiently

Procrastination: What does It Mean? 

What is procrastination? What are the top causes of procrastination? Very simply, procrastination means, the action of delaying or postponing something. According to Wikipedia: "Procrastination is the avoidance of doing a task which needs to be accomplished. It is the practice of doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ones or carrying out less urgent tasks instead of more urgent ones, thus putting off impending tasks to a later time. Sometimes, procrastination takes place until the "last minute" before a deadline. Procrastination can take hold on any aspect of life - putting off cleaning the stove, repairing a leaky roof, seeing a doctor or dentist, submitting a job report or academic assignment or broaching a stressful issue with a partner. Procrastination can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, depression and self-doubt. So, what are the top causes of procrastination?

Let's proceed with it so that procrastination can be avoided!

7 Top Causes of Procrastination 

Do you know the reasons why you procrastinate? They may be different to those of another person. The reasons for procrastination relate to a feeling, belief and the task at hand. Only when you identify them can you do something about it.

Here are the seven top causes of procrastination:

Distraction: 

Gossip, text messages, Facebook and e-mail are some reasons why people procrastinate. There are even people who get distracted because they find or just feel something is out of place on their desk. The average employee wastes up to 2 hours or more a day on tasks that have nothing to do with work.

Fear of success: 

To be successful comes with a price to pay. This may be longer working hours, new enemies, isolation from family, etc. Basically, you fear of what success will bring and procrastination grasps you.

Fear of failure: 

What would you do if it weren't possible for you to fail? Fear ensures your survival but is also one of the reasons for procrastination. You may think that failing is worse than not even trying. So you protect yourself by putting things off.

Perfectionism: 

Trying to do a perfect task puts a lot of pressure on you, making you feel so stressed that you procrastinate. Maybe parents set expectations that are too high, you are concerned with what others think or you constantly criticize your work. Any situation where you feel evaluated has a chance to be one of the reasons why people procrastinate.

Lack of skills: 

Not knowing how to do a task makes it more difficult than it has to be. By nature, we tend to avoid difficult things and take care of those that are easy. You may have a tough time admitting your skill deficits because you do not want to come across as a good-for-nothing.

Lack of interest: 

Let's say you're not interested in doing a task, at least at the moment. By putting it off, you feel like you are losing nothing of value. However, doing so can result counterproductive. In life, there are times when you have to complete certain tasks you do not like to do.

Lack of rewards: 

Another of the reasons for procrastination is because their efforts are never rewarded. This is not necessarily a responsibility of your boss. Promising yourself to watch that exciting new movie, spend time with friends or some other fun activity can serve you to keep going. Remember that rewards are not only external but also internal, so make sure to give yourself credit for your work.

Are the above the only reasons why people procrastinate? Certainly not, but they are the top causes of procrastination. You can uncover more of them by observing yourself while doing a task.

Life is short. Everyone wants to be succeed in life. But what makes a person's life a success is still a big question. Many attributes are related to success that ranges from physical to mental counts, hard skills to soft skills, hard works, thought-process, dreams, reality, happiness, hardship and what not!

Factors that have an effect on and affect the success in life also vary. In a broader aspect, three things actually determine the ultimate SUCCESS of life:

• Health

• Skills

• Money

BE THE PILOT OF YOUR LIFE

http://ezinearticles.com/?7-Top-Causes-of-Procrastination:-Deal-With-It-Efficiently&id=9509026

5 Ways Perfectionism Is Getting in Your Way

Adam was in the last few minutes of what felt like a really successful interview for his dream job when the interviewer asked him to share developmental areas that have appeared on past performance reviews. Without missing a beat, Adam shared that he was “too much of a perfectionist.”

Adam had rehearsed this answer as the perfect way to share a developmental area that the new company would likely see as a positive. But hiring managers know otherwise. This interview answer ranks up there with “I work too hard” or “I just care too much” as a red flag.

Yes, perfectionism is often a badge we wear with pride, but maybe we shouldn’t.

Life and work aren’t perfect. Those who adapt to ambiguity, uncertainty and find progress in spite of it are the truly successfully people that will most likely reach their goals.

Here are five ways that perfectionists get in their own way and ways to overcome:

1. Never starting. Perfectionists want to be sure that the answer, the strategy or the plan will be flawless. They think unless there is certainty, it’s safer never to act. But answering questions like, “What can I do today/this week/this month?” can help create forward movement—and usually aren’t that scary.

2. Being too slow to move. For my book, Make Waves, I researched people who started large-scale changes to make their ideas a reality. I learned most of these people have instincts that value both speed and flexibility. As a perfectionist, learn to have the confidence to start now, knowing you can adjust as you learn more.

3. Procrastinating. In the research for Make Waves, I also discovered that procrastination is very closely linked to perfectionism. Procrastination can mask a lack of confidence or a fear of being wrong or of facing criticism. Think about it: What is making you delay your idea or your goals?

4. Not knowing when good is good enough. We often refer to this habit as “analysis paralysis,” or when we need just a little more information to get the perfect answer. Instead, try using informed intuition—the ability to know when there is enough information to decide and move forward; you’ll find it easier to adapt in new or uncertain situations.

5. Looking for the right answer when there isn’t one. Very few situations in life have a perfect answer or even just one answer. So, become an “incrementalist”—someone who looks for forward progress in the general right direction. There may be 10 paths to reaching your goal, so when one door closes, find another door that will open.

Before you proudly call yourself a perfectionist, know that it’s likely getting in your way. Find the path to progress and a first step. Trust yourself to course-correct as you go. Your real goal probably isn’t to be perfect anyway.

http://www.success.com/blog/5-ways-perfectionism-is-getting-in-your-way

5 Common Insecurities That Lead to Burnout (and How to Avoid Them)

Your 'strong work ethic' might actually be fear.

Last week I worked with a client who prides himself on his strong work ethic. Hard work and excellence matter to him (which is awesome!). The problem? He's burning himself out with 14-hour workdays. And he's calling it "strong work ethic". 

I asked him if it's really strong, healthy work ethic or if some of his hang-ups might be getting in his way. In other words, is it really strong work ethic or are you letting some of your demons drive the bus?

I'm talking about stuff like having your hands in too many projects because you're afraid to let go of some control (hello, founder's syndrome). Or failing to empower perfectly capable members of your team because you don't trust them to do a good enough job. Or working at 150% capacity for a 1% enhancement in output or work quality (spoiler alert: not worth it).

To be totally transparent, I'll go ahead and raise my hand here. Sometimes I let my demons drive the bus. But you know what? It always makes for some pretty crappy outcomes. Always.

Sometimes we come up with sneaky ways to feel noble about overworking ­- like calling our perfectionistic, control-freak behaviors "strong work ethic". That's not noble; it's fear thinly veiled as virtuous work behaviour. 

Wonder if some of your demons are driving the bus at work? See if you can spot your hang-ups here:

1. Perfectionism thinly veiled as a commitment to excellence

Yes, it's 10 pm, but your presentation/report/(insert your deliverable here) isn't quite perfect yet. You tell yourself you just want to do an amazing job, but what you really want is to shield yourself from criticism or judgment. Do this kind of thing often enough and you'll find yourself burned out and not very on the ball. Which, ironically, leaves you more open to criticism and judgment.

Perfectionism isn't a commitment to excellence. It's a defense mechanism, and it doesn't make your work better. Don't go there.

2. One-upmanship thinly veiled as devotion

Some people wear their burnout as a badge of honor. In fact some industries have built dysfunctional cultures around this very thing. Industry insiders are expected to drive themselves into the ground in order to be a part of a very exclusive club. And to make things interesting, it's not just an expectation, it's a competition! Bragging rights go to the most miserable, cantankerous and overworked bastards who can survive until they drop dead. It's like The Hunger Games, except with grown-ups in suits.

This kind of one-upmanship is one big messed up pissing contest of misery and martyrdom, which is not a game you want to win, by the way. Opt out.

3. Self-exploitation thinly veiled as dependability

I'll just push through this project now so things will be more manageable later. I'll take one for the team. You told yourself that last month, last quarter, and now that you think about it, last year. Only the work never seems to let up.

Pushing through can set a dangerous precedent. It sets unreasonably high expectations for how much you're going to throw yourself into your work. People aren't going to be too psyched when you finally slow down to a more reasonable pace. Why? Because all of a sudden it looks like you can't do your job very well any more - especially if the people you work with have no idea how much time and effort (not to mention blood, sweat and tears) you're putting in. Don't set a pace you can't maintain.

4. Avoidance thinly veiled as commitment

You're burning the midnight oil because, frankly, it's better than being somewhere else. You could have a personal life, but there's some stuff there that you'd rather not deal with - like loneliness or boredom or a crappy relationship. As a person who is divorced, I'll admit this used to be me. Sometimes a late night at the office is better than a tense night at home. Distraction by any means necessary, right?

You won't win employee of the month by logging empty hours like this. You're better off coming out from behind your desk and actually dealing with the uncomfortable stuff you're avoiding. Your personal life will feel infinitely better when you do, and as a bonus your work will improve.

5. Control issues thinly veiled as leadership

But what if the people I delegate to make a mistake or a bad decision?! That's not a possibility, my friend, it's a certainty. Wait. What? Yes, you read that right - the people you delegate to are going to make mistakes and bad decisions. Sometimes. Just like you. Because the people you employ and work with are fellow humans - savvy, talented, hard-working, and occasionally fallible humans. Let them do their jobs. The company won't burn to the ground if you have dinner with your family tonight.

Still breathing into a paper bag? Consider this: your control freak ways are probably clogging up the works with inefficiencies and causing more harm than good. Go home.

http://www.inc.com/sarah-vermunt/5-common-insecurities-that-lead-to-burnout-and-how-to-avoid-them.html

7 Destructive Needs Keeping You From True Happiness

We all have needs: We need food. We need shelter. We need to feel loved.

But many of us walk around with needs that don’t serve us — needs that negatively influence our thoughts, words, and actions. Unlike food and shelter, these are not true needs. These fake needs make life more difficult, and they distract us from the good things we already have.

They're like road bumps hindering us from experiencing the smooth ride we desire and, unless removed, they’ll completely jolt our respective journeys. It’s time to drop the following seven needs and see them for what they really are: illusions.

Perfectionism doesn’t protect us from the world — it keeps us from finding our place in it.

1. The need to prove your worthiness

A dog doesn’t question whether it deserves a walk, a nap, or some cuddle time. It just knows it’s worthy. Unfortunately, many of us have falsely learned that our sense of worth is connected to our success. So, to demonstrate our worthiness to ourselves and others, we might try to prove it with a career or a relationship.

But your worthiness doesn't come with terms and conditions. It isn’t determined by your monthly income, relationship status, or number of Facebook friends. Free yourself from unnecessary suffering by recognizing your own inherent self-worth. In those moments when you feel unworthy, separate yourself from that nagging voice inside your head and remember that it's not you talking. Calm it by saying, “Thanks for watching out for me, but you don’t need to worry. Everything’s all right.”

2. The need to fit in

We all have a desire to fit in and belong. We bend to conform because nobody likes to be the odd one out, right? But … we’re not all the same. We don’t have the same set of skills, talents, and interests, and that’s a good thing.

Dare to be the misfit, the rebel, or the weird one. Go ahead and wear those leopard pants, admits that you’re a spiritual fanatic, and post that lovey-dovey message on Facebook if you feel like it. Happiness is a natural side effect when one chooses to embrace his or her true self.

3. The need to put others first

There's a reason we're instructed to put those airplane oxygen masks on ourselves before helping those around us. We can’t give what we don’t have.

Tend to your own needs, wants, and desires, and then, when you’re filled up, pass that care on to others. Next time you’re urged to tend to someone else, practice giving yourself at least 60 seconds first. Breathe, read an inspirational quote, or do something else that lifts your spirit.

4. The need to be perfect

Perfectionism doesn’t protect us from the world — it keeps us from finding our place in it. No one is perfect. Instead of trying to be something you’re not, embrace every aspect of that imperfect you.

Silence your inner perfectionist by taking small risks you normally wouldn’t: Hand in something that’s 90 percent finished and ask for input, pose that question you think sounds stupid, or admit that you don’t have all the answers.

Don’t work hard — work smart.

5. The need to complain

We tend to whine and complain about the aspects of our life that aren't going as planned, but grumbling doesn't change anything — it just keeps us stuck.

Whether you’re unhappy with your finances, your relationship, or your self-esteem, you can either accept what is or take action to fix it. If you desire change, remember that it often starts with small steps. These steps may involve making a simple budget, planning a date night, or listing three things you love about yourself before going to bed. Just remember that no step is too small.

6. The need to work hard

My mind used to tell me that I was lazy and useless if I wasn't working hard. But ironically, once I stopped forcing myself into action, I started to perform much better. I was suddenly pulled by inspiration instead of pushed by pressure.

It's important to take breaks, ask for help, and give yourself time to recharge. Don’t work hard — work smart. Allow for a constant flow of inspiration to strike you by reading as much as you write, learning as much as you teach, and listening as much as you speak.

7. The need to be in control

Trying to maintain influence over things outside our control isn’t only exhausting — it’s impossible. While we might think we can shape other people, events and circumstances, we often can't. Trying to do so usually just leaves us feeling disappointed and frustrated.

Rather than working to make things happen, simply allow them to happen. Surrender to what is and focus your attention on the present moment. Hold your tongue when you feel the urge to control someone or something. Distract yourself, meditate, or take deep breaths until you’re grounded, and then take action from a calm and rational place.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22633/7-destructive-needs-keeping-you-from-true-happiness.html

Get Your Mind Right: 5 Tips for Untangling Your Can’t-Do Mindset

I often ask my clients, “If anything will get in your way, what will it be?” It’s an important question, especially at this time of year.

Holidays can be both joyful and complicated. Expectations are high. We can feel tangled and conflicted. We daydream things like, The holidays will be perfect! Our family will enjoy special times together! All my gifts will bring joy and excitement! Because it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

And then reality happens. Did the situation really not go well, or did we just expect too much?

Ah, internal roadblocks. These internal obstacles are thoughts no one else can see, but they reappear again and again, and they change our responses and the decisions we make.

We expect too much. We conclude that the problem is bigger than us. We have ideas we never act upon. We get in our own way, and the great thing that could have been never was.

I spoke to a college MBA class this week and asked them to share their “favorite” internal obstacles:

• Expectations that make anything less a disappointment
• Perfectionism that makes us feel we are never quite ready
• Risk aversion so we convince ourselves we need to know a little more
• Procrastination that assures us we have plenty of time
• Lack of confidence and belief in ourselves so we surely don’t know enough
• “I’m too ________” syndrome that keeps us stuck believing that we are too young, too old, too female or too different to know the right answer

In my research about “Wave Makers” for my book Make Waves, I discovered that those who started big changes were extraordinary because of their thoughts that drove optimism, resilience, belief in themselves and others, as well as the confidence to keep learning.

How do you keep moving forward in a constructive way when your head is telling you no? A very important element of productive thought is staying focused on contributing rather than looking for the approval or acceptance of others. You show up differently when your only objective is to contribute.

Here are tips for getting your mind right before your next big meeting, event or even a holiday gathering—and for stopping your head from tripping you up:

1. Ask yourself how you can contribute.

You don’t have to be the smartest person in the room or the most experienced to contribute. What do you bring to the party?

2. Think about the problem to solve, not the people.

What problem is to be solved or opportunity to pursue? Keep your mind there. This keeps your energy on the results. I loved the recent advice I heard for new graduates: Rather than focusing on the job you want, focus on the problems you want to solve.

3. Stop seeking approval or validation.

Not everyone will agree with you or love your ideas or suggestions. Don’t expect appreciation for being a contributor—that is what you are supposed to do.

4. Don’t wait to be asked.

Expect that you have a role to play and that you are there for a reason. Don’t give your power away by waiting for someone to prompt you to contribute.

5. Stop the comparisons.

It isn’t helpful to evaluate yourself against others or a situation to how you hoped it would be. Thoughts like, She is so much smarter than me, He is so much more experienced and I’m the youngest person here are self-sabotage and irrelevant. So is hanging on to the thought that I pictured this so much differently. These thoughts get in the way of what you are there to do.

Keep your mind set on What can I do? and How can I help?—it’ll keep you focused on what you can influence and what’s in your control.

You are in charge of you. Your actions begin with your thoughts. Get out of your own way and contribute, especially during the busy holiday season.

“Success? As odd as it seems, you will achieve the greatest results in business and in career if you drop the word ‘achievement’ from your vocabulary and replace it with ‘contribution.’”  – Peter Drucker

So get untangled by getting out of your own way and decide how to contribute, starting this holiday season.

http://www.success.com/blog/get-your-mind-right-5-tips-for-untangling-your-cant-do-mindset

THE UNTOLD SECRET OF GREAT LEADERS

SUCCESSFUL LEADERS MANAGE TO BE CONFIDENT WITHOUT BEING ARROGANT. HERE'S HOW THEY BLEND IN HUMILITY TO MAKE ROOM FOR OTHERS' IDEAS.

Try to think back to a time when you felt incredibly confident.

You instinctively knew you could handle whatever came at you. You were on top of things, making all the right moves. You were in the zone.

It’s an amazing feeling, and one that we’d probably all like to have more often.

The book The Confidence Code gets right to the point of why this element is so crucial in our lives:

Scholars are coming to see (confidence) as an essential element of internal well-being and happiness, a necessity for a fulfilled life. Without it you can’t achieve flow, the almost euphoric state described by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi as perfect concentration; the alignment of one’s skills with the task at hand.

We’re attracted to confidence—the true, deeply felt kind that inspires us to follow great leaders to the ends of the earth.

But go one shade darker and we find arrogance.

What’s the line between the two? It seems to be humility. True confidence can stand up to a lot, and the biggest thing it can do is stand back and make room for others’ thoughts and ideas.

Read on to discover how the two elements of confidence and humility intertwine in every interaction we have, and learn how to develop the perfect blend of both.

Confident Humility: Is It Possible?

Both confidence and humility have giant roles in making you a respected person—and an effective leader.

The balance between the two can be incredibly delicate and nuanced, which is why I was delighted to find this sketch that perfectly illustrates the relationship:

Looking at this simple diagram, I have an immediate idea about where I tend to fall on the spectrum (toward the self-deprecation side). How about you?

The paradoxical duality of these two traits is so rare that they’re at the very pinnacle of Good to Great author Jim Collins’s leadership pyramid: Level 5.

Level 5 leadership, marked by what Collins calls "professional will and personal humility," is what creates great companies—those that have gone from "good" to "great."

So how do we get this elusive combo for ourselves?

The Science Of Confidence: Why We Have No Idea How Good We Are At Anything

Part of the reason that it’s a challenge to get the right blend of confidence and humility is that . . . well, we don’t know ourselves very well.

Consider this evidence: Though it’s statistically pretty impossible, 93% of us think we are better-than-average drivers. And 94% of university professors rate their teaching skills as better than average.

The average person thinks she or he is . . . well, better than average.

So do we have a confidence problem or a humility problem? It’s a bit of both.

Turns out, the most incompetent of us are also the most likely to overestimate ourselves, while the MVPs among us tend to underrate ourselves.

In other words, the gulf between how good we are at something and how good we think we are at something is often huge!

This paradox is known as the Dunning-Kruger effect. Jessica Hagy illustrates it like this:

And in my mind, it pretty much sums up how weird our brains are when it comes to confidence, humility, and self-evaluation.

Confidence Or Humility: Where Do You Fall?

So perhaps the first thing to know about building this perfect ratio is where you are now—do you skew more toward arrogance (too much or misplaced confidence) or self-deprecation (too little confidence)? Here are some things to consider.

Consider your gender: Overall, women tend to err toward humility and men tend to err toward overconfidence. In studies, Columbia Business School found that men, on average, rate their performance to be 30% better than it is.

Consider your part of the world: Psychologist David Dunning says that where you fall on the spectrum varies by your part of the world and its culture. Eastern cultures are more likely to value self-improvement, while Western culture venerates self-esteem.

Take the quiz: Still not sure? Take the Confidence Code confidence quiz! I’d love to hear how you did. (My results? Low confidence. Time to put some of the tactics below to work!)

SOME SIGNS YOU MIGHT HAVE LOW CONFIDENCE

The Confidence Code offers up a many great anecdcotes about how low confidence manifests itself; here are a few telltale signs you might recognize:

• You have a long list of all the things over the years you wish you had said or done or tried—but didn’t.
• You don’t initiate salary negotiations—or if you do, you value your worth too low. (Studies with business school students found that men, who are traditionally more confident, initiate salary negotiations four times as often as women. When women do negotiate, they ask for 30% less than men do.)
• You hesitate at key moments.
• You imagine that whatever you have done—whether it’s a triumph or a failure—is the focus of everyone else’s attention.

SOME SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A BIT OVERCONFIDENT

In researching this post, I came across a great and succinct list from Martin Babinecof behaviors it might be helpful to look out for if you feel you might be veering into arrogance. Some of these list points may be tough to read, particularly if you see yourself reflected (I know I did).

• Work your accomplishments into the conversation
• Don’t focus on what you don’t yet know or are seeking to learn
• Express no curiosity about whom you’re interacting with
• Enter into interactions mostly for reasons of potential self interest
• Treat servers, drivers, or other service personnel different than those you meet in a professional context

It’s interesting how most of these—both low and high confidence—have a bigelement of ego to them. Eckhart Tolle has some wise words on this:

I have also met many others who may be technically good at what they do but whose ego constantly sabotages their work. Only part of their attention is on the work they perform; the other part is on themselves. Their ego demands personal recognition and wastes energy in resentment if it doesn’t get enough— and it’s never enough. ‘Is someone else getting more recognition than me?’ Or their main focus of attention is profit or power, and their work is no more than a means to that end. When work is no more than a means to an end, it cannot be of high quality

.

If You Need More Confidence: 6 Ways To Get It

1. SQUASH PERFECTIONISM

Everyone knows the old trick of the job interview: If the interviewer asks you what your faults are, duck out of the question by saying that your biggest fault is that you’re a perfectionist. Now you look great!

Author Elizabeth Gilbert wants to kill the idea that perfectionism can be a good quality. In her book on creativity, Big Magic, she says:

The most evil trick about perfectionism, though, is that it disguises itself as a virtue . . . I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified . . . Perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, "I am not good enough and I never will be good enough.". . . The drive for perfectionism is just a corrosive waste of time, because nothing is ever beyond criticism. At some point, you really just have to finish your work and release it as is—if only so that you can go on to make other things with a glad and determined heart."

Perfection isn’t attainable, and it keeps us from taking action. Instead, focus on progress and improvement by developing a growth mind-set.

2. TAKE RISKS

I’m not gonna be perfect, but I’m gonna try stuff.

That’s the mantra that Tom Kelley, author of Creative Confidence, suggests toharness the courage to act on your ideas—artistic or otherwise.

A similar mantra to live by, from The Confidence Code: "When in doubt, act." The authors note: "Nothing builds confidence like taking action, especially when the action involves risk and failure."

3. PRACTICE STRONG BODY LANGUAGE

Expressing confident body language can help us get better jobs, project our thoughts more often and more assertively, and generally make us feel more successful. This chart sums up some great overall pointers:

http://www.fastcompany.com/3053251/lessons-learned/the-untold-secret-of-great-leaders