No Matter What, Keep Growing (By Esther R. Kane)

On a sunny spring day recently, I was lost in sea of dark thoughts and feeling stuck emotionally and thought that a nice walk around my neighbourhood would help shift things. As soon as I got out my front door, I was met with the magnificent sight of cherry blossoms from all the gorgeous blooming trees. The petals were gently falling to the ground, creating the effect of a sweet smelling pink snow all around me. Then came the flowers. Since it's my first spring living in Victoria, I cannot possibly describe in words how magnificent the flowers here are. Suffice it to say, it's like living in a children's wonderland full of bright, happy colours sprinkled all over the place smiling at everyone who passes by. I was struck by the fact that perennial flowers continue to grow, spring after spring, year after year, regardless of how tough the winter which proceeded them happened to be. And then...

I saw this single word painted on a flower box -GROW- reminding all of us- flowers, trees, animals and humans- to GROW. I knew in that moment that I had the fodder for an article to share with you, my lovely readers. This bright and uplifting flower box so graciously shared with passers-by reminded me to remind you of this one important thing:

REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS AROUND US, TO THOSE WE CARE ABOUT, AND TO OURSELVES, WE ALWAYS HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP GROWING AND MOVING FORWARD.

In my therapy practice, I'm blessed and honoured to witness many women's stories; many of them filled with extreme pain and suffering. Many come to therapy because they want to grow from their suffering and view their challenging circumstances as a very difficult, yet important, growth opportunity. The best way of describing this process I've ever found is in Elizabeth Lesser's book, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. I wrote an in-depth article about this fabulous book a few years ago.

Resisting the Urge To Bolt

One of my favourite quotes of all time is from the brilliant Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron who tells us:

Never underestimate the urge to bolt.

I have read this sentiment in a number of her books, my personal favourite being, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness In Difficult Times. One of the greatest messages of this book is to not shut down when the going gets tough- to make a conscious and courageous choice when you feel like bolting (i.e., running away) from the pain/challenge/difficulty before you to STAY. This particular piece of wisdom also applies to working through anxiety and is the foundation of specific therapeutic modalities designed to help people rid themselves of various fears and phobias. It also happens to be the most difficult choice you can make. However, like most difficult tasks, it can also be one of the most rewarding and life changing.

I will illustrate what this looks like by giving you an example...

One of my clients (let's call her Liz), in her early thirties, really wanted a solid, long-term relationship, which included having children. She had been in multiple relationships over the years, never making it past the two-year mark. She told me that in the past three relationships, they all lasted just roughly under two years and that in each case, the man she was dating wanted to marry her. She sat in the seat across from me in tears as she told me that each of these men was decent, kind, and loving and would have made a great husband and father. In retrospect, she was certain that she would have had a really good life with any of the three. The problem was that in every relationship, when things started to get really serious and the man worked up the guts to ask her to marry him, she completely panicked and ended the relationship immediately. She felt awful for breaking three different men's hearts, while also ending up completely confused by her reaction in each case. When the crying subsided a bit, she looked me in the eye and asked:

Esther, why do I push what I really want away every time it comes to me? I really do want to be married and have children with a good man. I've had three separate chances at having that and I've blown each one. I'm not a stupid person so why would I do something that is the complete opposite of what I really want?

I responded with:

The choices you made in each of these situations has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. When you go into fight or flight mode (i.e., the urge to bolt), it's your primitive brain at work. Your nervous system senses some impending danger and reacts in that moment in an attempt to keep you safe. For some reason, when a man asks you to marry him and have a family together, your primitive brain registers this as dangerous...

This discussion led us to investigating the theme of marriage and family life in her family-of-origin and the leftover 'unfinished emotional business' she was carrying around as a result. When viewed at from this particular lens, her urge to bolt from the whole prospect made a lot of sense. In short, her father was a violent alcoholic who abused her mother and was an absent parent, leaving her mother on her own to raise four children. Her mother ended up in a deep depression when the kids were young and was in and out of the psych ward for years after. Liz was the eldest and became the 'mini mom' when their mother was unavailable due to her mental health issues and ended up missing out on a lot of a carefree childhood as a result.

The warrior-level work Liz then embarked upon focused on facing her childhood squarely, without blinders on and sitting with the emotions it brought up. This proved incredibly challenging for her because she considered herself a happy-go-lucky person who had 'nothing to complain about' when she saw people around her who had been through 'much worse things'. As it is with most of us, we're very good at showing compassion towards others who are suffering, but have a very difficult time doing the same for ourselves. I gently but firmly guided Liz to practice sitting with her inner little girl who was feeling really sad and scared and felt she had nowhere to turn with the pain she was experiencing.

She showed immense courage and even though it was extremely difficult, she sat in my office, week after week and practiced staying with that little girl even when she desperately wanted to run away. After a while, she got in touch with her pain and I gave her some tools to comfort herself when it came up and to remind herself that she was an adult now and that she was safe and had lots of places and people to turn to in times of great anguish.

She wrote a series of letters to her father (all unsent- read here for how to do this), expressing her anger towards how he treated her mother and her frustration at his addiction to alcohol. She wrote about what he had taught her about men and marriage and raising children and how this had become an impediment to her getting married and raising a family. She told him that she had learned to 'keep herself safe' from getting into the same situation as her mother by pushing any man away who wanted to marry her. She wrote it all out, felt many different feelings, all with courageous honesty. Then she let things sit for a while.

A couple of years later, she sent me an email to let me know that she had learned to stay and not bolt with good men and that she had recently got married to a fantastic guy and was pregnant with her first child. She was still fearful, but at the same time, optimistic about the possibility of having the partner and family she had always wanted.

http://ezinearticles.com/?No-Matter-What,-Keep-Growing&id=9730452

Letting Go of the Past, of Attachments and of Fears

I am sure you have heard the phrase ‘let go’, more than a few times.

What do these words mean? What do you let go?

This phrase is often said, when someone is having pain for something that happened in the past. Most people are unable to quit the past and go on. They keep thinking about it, causing themselves suffer.

The problem is people don’t know how to let go.

There is attachment, and there is the fear of letting go.

People fear they might lose something in this process, but losing what is causing pain is a blessing. It is not a loss.

Too much involvement past memories, suffering, unhappy thoughts and negative people, take too much of your time, energy and health. This involvement agitates your mind and feelings, obstructs common sense, and prevents you from enjoying inner peace. Letting go is the answer.

What Is Letting Go?

• It is stopping the attachment to the past, especially to painful past memories, and focusing on the present. When you release the past you can start accepting the present.
• It is non-attachment to results. This means that you do your best in every situation, but if things do not turn well or as planned, you don’t dwell on them and don’t get disappointed or discouraged.
• Letting go is like lifting the anchor of your ship, so that it can sail away. In order to move on, you need to release thoughts, habits, fears and worries. These are you anchor, your shackles that tie you down to the same habits, circumstances and a certain way of life.
• Letting go requires a certain degree of emotional detachment. This leads to non-attachment, about which all the spiritual traditions speak about.

If you don’t let go, you remain tied and not free. You limit your perception, cause yourself stress and tension. If you cannot detach yourself from painful memories, envy, jealousy, bad relations, you suffer. It is like being in a swamp, doing nothing to get out.

On the other hand, letting go, detaching yourself from the causes of suffering, brings relief, ease, joy, and love.

Letting go is so valuable, but few people do something about it. It might seem strange, but they prefer to stay where they are, emotionally, mentally and physically, even this hurts them.

People love the familiar and unknown, and feel more comfortable and safer in familiar situations, even if this causes suffering. They fear of the unknown, and therefore, don’t want to let go. They also don’t know how to let go. No one has ever taught them.

Learning to let go requires more than a short article. It requires, guidance inner work and training, and that’s why I wrote a book about it.

Simple Guidelines for Letting Go

1. Make peace with the past. What happened belongs to the past. Don’t let it tie you down. It is time to go on and live. Will thoughts about the past help you? Absolutely not!

Yes, the mind keeps returning to thoughts and memories you would be glad to forget. That’s okay. Be smarter, and use the same technique the mind is using.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking about painful memories, immediately replace them with opposite thoughts. Replace them with positive and happy thoughts. In time, this will turn into a habit.

2. Did you love somebody and you separated?

If you want to get back, and there is such a chance, keep on trying. However, if you see no chance, let go and move on.

Thinking about him or her and suffering is useless. No one gains anything from this situation. It might be easier said than done, but you should move on with your life and meet other people. Don’t stay stuck.

3. Sometimes goals change. Sometimes priorities change. Learn to change with them and take another course, another direction.

4. Fear might be holding you back. Letting go also means facing the fears and disappointments of the past, and then severing you connection with them. Try it, and you will see that it is not so difficult.

5. Are you holding on to old grudges? Do you play in your mind something someone said that hurt you? You are hurting yourself, not the one who hurt you. You are the one suffering and that’s foolish.

Don’t hold on to grudges and hurt feelings. It is like pouring fuel into the fire. Holding on to anger, resentment and hatred will hold you back. It will make you unhappy. Throw away these feelings. Yes, you can. Refuse to have anything to do with them. That might not be easy, but that’s the direct way.

6. If some people discourage you and stand in your way, move on. Meet new people.

7. Open your mind to opportunities, new starts, and new things. Do what makes you happy, improves, improves your life, and benefits you and the society where you live. Don’t be afraid to let go what holds you back.

http://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/personal-development/letting-go-of-the-past/

The Pain of Being Mis-Understood

There is a time in all of our lives when we feel discarded, abandoned, lost, unimportant, invisible, cast aside, and basically unwanted and unloved, at least in the way that we want to be or yearn to be. I think we can all recall an event or a situation where we felt unheard. A time when we ached to be acknowledged and validated for WHO we are. I know I have. The pain of being mis-understood was so great that at times it felt unbearable.

About a month ago I came across a video on social media that had gone viral. It was a video of an abandoned/homeless dog named Miley. Miley had been living on a heap of trash, and at first glance you could not even notice her because she “blended in.” How many times has that happened to us? Being in a crowded room yet somehow feeling invisible and alone? Working hard at blending in because the truth is we are petrified to stand out.

I was so moved by the video and Miley’s journey because it resonated with me on a much deeper level. It wasn’t only Miley’s story, it was my story and your story, Miley WAS every man/woman. This thought brought me to tears. I was so compelled that I reached out to “Hope for Paws” with the intention of wanting to adopt Miley. To put an end to her misery, to give her the love that she so deserves, that I deserve, that YOU deserve.

At first it was difficult to even watch the video due to the horrific neglect that she had suffered. So often we are uncomfortable with witnessing struggle and pain. The truth is because we over identify with it. It triggers our own suffering, and our first instinct is to turn the other way, to avoid it. But as I watched the story unfold, I was amazed at Miley’s willingness to receive help. She could’ve have resisted, became aggressive out of fear, like many of us do when there is support to be had. We deny what we really need and want out of fear that we won’t get it or it won’t be how we want it to look.

Miley, however, was receptive, open and grateful. I noticed that when they put the leash on, her initial instinct was to lay back down and stay with what was familiar. Not because she didn’t want the help, but because it is what she had known. The trash pile had become her home.

Staying in what is familiar, even when it is filthy, unhealthy, toxic, and festering with potential disease is common for all of us. We know on some level that we should get out, make a change, acknowledge what isn’t working, but we don’t. We very often CHOOSE to suffer because the fear of the unknown feels greater.

Miley’s wounds were evident, out there for the world to see. Our wounds are not always that easy to notice. We get skilled at hiding them out of fear and shame.

Our appearance can tell an entirely different story, one that is completely incongruent with our inner truth. Internally, we live in darkness. Our brutal inner critic can keep us imprisoned, shutting out any possibility for light. We sabotage relationships and jobs. Our internal landscape begins to define our external reality. We are unable to hold onto peace and joy. We hold ourselves back and stay small even when our hearts desire is longing for more.

What saved Miley was love. She didn’t do it alone. She needed support. She needed those who could give her what she was unable to give herself. They witnessed and validated her wounds. They gave her time to process and heal. They waited patiently for her spirit to shine through. They provided other like-minded companions who had also been wounded. They built trust and together they loved each other out of the darkness and into the light.

I have recently launched a program called The Wilderness Walk, which is a journey into the wilderness to go through the darkness and fear of the inner mind and the pain of the wounded heart in order to integrate all aspects of our being, so we can enjoy full acceptance of who we are. To me, Miley is the epitome of a Wilderness Walker, a courageous being who is open, ready and willing to heal.

As a psychotherapist and coach, I can tell you within one minute who are the individuals who will do whatever it takes to move through their obstacles, challenges, fears, and insecurities as opposed to those who will continue to create excuses and hide out of fear of the unknown. They are both important parts of our journey.

Most of us have been in that place of feeling stuck. It was from that stuck place that I was able to find that twenty seconds of insane courage to begin my own Wilderness Walk. The walk into the darkness of my heart and mind in order to find the freedom that I had spent years yearning for. There is no easy fix, happy pill, or someone else that can do it for you.

It is a deep excavation into all the places that frighten you, so that they no longer have power on you. You stop running and start walking consciously on a new path. A path that holds hidden treasures of insight and awareness. A path that will eventually lead you home.

Are you like Miley?

Are you ready to do what it takes to obtain a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life?

To be a Wilderness Walker?

Or are you still choosing to stay stuck?

http://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/personal-development/pain-of-being-misunderstood/