Reacting Vs Responding

Reacting vs Responding

When working on controlling anger, it is important to understand the difference between Reacting and Responding. Although them seem very similar they actually are quite different, and understanding that difference is a major step in not only being able to control anger, but to help improve just about any relationship you have.

The late Zig Ziglar, one of my favorite teachers and mentors spoke about this concept on an old tape I heard, and when I first heard it, it had a profound effect on me. He was discussing how winners respond to situations instead of reacting to them. He told a story about a woman named Mary Crowley who was the top salesperson in her company, but she was fired by the male leaders because she did not approve of drinking at company meetings etc. They fired her and actually brought her desk to her home and placed it on her porch. She had every reason to react in anger, but she did not. Instead she responded by realizing that she knew the business, and her customers knew and trusted her, so she decided to start her own business called Home Interiors, which at the time of her death was worth $500 million. She responded instead of reacting.

Another illustration of reacting vs responding would be let's say you went to the doctor and he gave you some medicine, and the next day, when you went back he took some tests and said " Oh, it looks like your body is reacting to the medication" that would not be good, but if he said It looks like your body is responding to the medication" that is a much better statement.

Webster defines Reacting as a negative term, like responding with hostility, also have you ever hear of a nuclear response? No, it is described as a reaction, and it is hostile to say the least.

Responding on the other hand is defined as a reply or an answer and as a positive reaction to stimuli.

So how does this apply to anger?

When I react to a situation in anger I allow myself to be controlled by the situation and I will act in a hostile way, whereas if I respond, then I am in control and am able to listen, think, and give a more lucid, calm response.

Anger Coaching can help us develop the skills and tools to respond instead of react.

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How to Control Anger in Under One Minute

"The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off" ~ Gloria Steinem

It's a Wal-Mart Christmas war zone. Grandma is searching for a parking spot while humming Christmas carols to the radio. Noticing one near the entrance she signals and patiently waits for the Honda to load up their colourful shopping bags. As the Honda begins to pull out some jerk swoops in like Robin Hood and steals her spot.

Grandma suddenly morphs from a sweet, little old lady into an enraged purse throwing incredible hulk. There are some situations that cause even the calmest, nicest people to become angry, frustrated and furious; whatever you call it, we all know the feeling.

What is anger? Anger is an emotion, emotions are created through your thoughts; and your thoughts are a result of your interpretation of a situation or person. Through your lens of experience and mental conditioning you draw conclusions: good or bad, right or wrong, fair or unfair, deserved and undeserved.

Regardless of the scenario anger arises when your interpretation of a situation or person is unpleasant. Your mind gets rattled and although you may not burst into an enraged green giant, anger still isn't pretty, typical physical signs: Holding your breath with red faces, shaking clenched fists and racing hearts.

In Buddhism there are three poisonous states of mind, anger is one of them. If you check - anger is always in defence of our ego. A situation or person is getting in the way of what you want for the 'self'. For example: Dark rain clouds appear on your golf day; damn weather never co-operates. Your husband forgot your anniversary; WOW, what a jerk!

The emotion of anger isn't the dangerous part, but what happens next is: The stage of retaliation. During this phase the sole intent is to harm the object of your displeasure. Try to remember a time when you experienced a heated fight with a loved one, when you stopped foaming at the mouth and the fog of anger lifted you may have wondered what possessed you to behave in such an evil manner. Like the hulk as much as you try to resist the urge to slam your opponent floor to ceiling, anger can make you feel like you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and unstoppable powerful emotion.

You might catch yourself saying, I wasn't in my right mind. The secret is that we don't have to be at its mercy any longer.

The truth is: Anger is not caused by outer circumstances, people or things. Anger is a state of mind and therefore only you can make yourself angry. You have the power to control your state of mind.

I know what you're thinking; this is absurd, of course there are situations that warrant anger; the boys behind you in the movie theatre are talking loudly and kicking your seat. I know this makes me angry, how can they be so rude?

So the question is not do we ever get angry, because we all do, even the most peaceful Zen Masters, but the real question is: How can we control our anger? My Buddhist teacher has encouraged three simple steps to controlling the onset of anger.

HOW TO CONTROL ANGER IN UNDER 1 MINUTE:

1. Recognize your emotions

When you find yourself in a testing situation; tell yourself, even say it out loud, my mind is experiencing unpleasantness. This will create an awareness of the emotion. This awareness will then give you the separation to gain control and reinforce that this state of mind is temporary, like everything else it too shall pass. Just by simple acknowledgement you will take its power away.

When someone cuts me off in traffic, you will find me in my car saying, 'my mind is experiencing unpleasantness', and its amazing how the anger floats away with this one simple phrase.

2. Ask yourself - Can I solve the problem?

If you can not solve the problem, what is the point of getting angry? I ask this question all the time. If I'm in a hurry in a slow grocery store line up, I ask myself, "Can I fix this problem?" if the answer is no, getting upset isn't going to change the outcome. Becoming mentally agitated is only going to cause suffering to myself, the grocery store line isn't going to move any faster. This mental game works wonders.

3. Breathe.

When you experience anger, take 10 deep breaths. It's impossible for anger to escalate when you are breathing deeply. I use all sorts of opportunities to practice this form of meditation; using the example of the grocery store line up again, once I realize that I can't solve my problem, I enter a stage of acceptance. Instead of getting angry I use the extra time to mentally focus, breathe and experience clarity. Every moment is an opportunity for spiritual advancement.

That's it! 3 easy, quick steps to prevent anger from escalating in less than one minute.

The emotion of anger can run much deeper than simple day-to-day annoyances such as traffic or the weather. We most definitely have situations such as social injustices, school shooters, disease and death where controlling our anger is going to be a lengthy process full of psychological counselling on mindfulness, meditation and reflection.

These three simple techniques listed above have a place in our everyday life for controlling anger outbursts and they can most definitely help to begin the mindful awareness of deeper anger issues however being fascinated by the emotion of anger in an upcoming article I plan to take a deeper look into the tricky anger. Should you feel angry at the murderer of a loved one? Should you feel angry is someone harms your child? How should you handle these types of anger?

In our modern world we have a lot of research that says that righteous anger can be a healthy release but Buddhism teaches that there are no good examples of anger. It is a destructive emotion that only brings you confusion and misery rather than peace. The mind of anger is a dangerous, destructive mind

"The ghosts of the past which follow us into the present also belong to the present moment, to observe them deeply, recognize their nature and transform them, is to transform the past." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

As Buddha would say there is no justified anger there is only anger. Do you agree with this statement? Or do you feel some anger is healthy and even justified?

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. "~ Buddha

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How to Control Anger and Rage - Understanding It All

Anger is a normal emotional response that we use to protect ourselves against perceived threats or slights.

Most people feel angry for one reason or another on a regular basis, and often that anger is justified. If you get treated poorly, you have every right to be mad about it.

When you are able to experience anger and then move on, you have nothing to worry about. When your anger tends to take over your emotions and control your actions, you probably have a problem with anger management.

If your anger turns to rage, and you put yourself and other people at risk, you really need to know how to control anger and rage.

Think about your lifestyle. If you build your life and your existence around your anger and the things that make you mad, you are setting yourself up for failure. You'll have a much better chance at controlling your anger if you create a life that is contrary to the negative emotions of displaced anger and rage.

Make your surroundings and your attitude so serene and peaceful that it would be impossible for anger to fit in. When you are able to achieve peace and relaxation outside of yourself, such as in your home or your work, you will be able to create inner peace as well.

Practice self control.

This really does take a lot of work. Some people channel all of their emotional activity into fitness, exercise, religion, meditation or art. When you learn how to control yourself, you will find you can use those tools to tame your anger as well.

Teach yourself what it means to capture a surging emotion and then re-direct it somewhere else. You will find this to be a very powerful tool in how to control anger and rage. Instead of acting on how you feel, you will be able to deal with it internally.

Figure out what triggers your anger.

Triggers are dangerous things, and they are usually responsible for our episodes of anger. You should be able to recognize what makes you mad or who makes you mad or what kind of situation or setting really turns your otherwise calm presence into a boiling of rage and anger.

Take note of when you begin to feel those angry emotions show up. Once you are able to identify your triggers, you can address them individually and learn how to either avoid them or manage them when they do show up.

Get comfortable with healthy emotional responses.

Your comfort level right now might be with screaming, yelling, arguing, defiance or physically fighting. Turning away from these responses will require that you learn to feel at ease with different responses.

Learn how to walk away from situations that might indulge your anger. Gather other tools in your emotional toolbox so you are able to handle yourself in any potentially negative situation.

Steady breathing, verbal communication, punching a pillow, visualizing a calm and happy place are all examples of healthy ways of dealing with your anger instead of flying into a rage.

Practice them so they don't seem so foreign or impossible to you.

Get some support from friends, family members, even professionals. The people you care about probably already know you have a bit of a problem, and they will be more than happy to help you work towards a healthy solution.

Talk out your feelings and frustrations with the people closest to you. Go to support groups or contribute to forums online. Work with a therapist if you need extra help and you're struggling to identify your anger triggers or how to get past them.

There are plenty of resources available to you.

Prepare yourself for setbacks.

Controlling your anger and rage will be something you need to do for the rest of your life. There is no quick and easy fix. You might do really well for a while and then something will set off a trigger, and you'll find yourself embroiled in a rage or starting a fight.

That's okay. You're going to have temporary setbacks, but if you can recognize them as setbacks and evaluate what went wrong and what you can do better next time, those disappointments can still be learning experiences.

Anger problems can ruin your life.

If you don't get a handle on your rage, you will have trouble with jobs, neighbors, family members and romantic relationships. Learn how to control anger and rage as soon as it shows up.

This will not be easy, but it will be rewarded. Learn how to create an environment of peace and calm, practice self control and understand what your anger triggers are.

Once you do that, you will be able to choose healthy ways to respond to your anger and you'll be able to live a happy, healthy and productive life.

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Learning the Best Way to Control Anger

The best way to control anger depends on your personality and your overall emotional health. There is no single approach that works for every person. Your anger is just as unique as you are.

What makes one person angry might not bother another person at all.

Therefore, the tools and techniques that are best for you might not work for another person at all.

In order to understand the best way to control your anger, you have to understand yourself, what makes you angry and how you are usually prone to react when you do get mad.

Some people get quiet and hold it all inside. Others explode in rage that can sometimes end violently. Figure out what will work for you, and then start practicing the things that will help you manage and control your anger in healthy and productive ways.

Start with a self assessment. Figure out what makes you angry. This is probably an easy exercise.

Perhaps you have road rage and you get really mad any time someone cuts you off on the freeway, you lose a parking spot or you get stuck in traffic when you have a specific place to be or an important appointment that you cannot be late for.

Perhaps it is other people that make you mad. You might find you get angry when you feel rejected by your spouse or another family member. Maybe you get angry really quickly at work, particularly when you do not feel supported by your boss or your co-workers.

You might find you get angry at situations instead of people. When you feel like you have lost control over something, or you are helpless, feelings of anger might intensify and threaten your own self-control.

Whatever your triggers might be, recognizing them will help you establish the best way to control your anger. You will be able to see the anger coming, and prepare yourself for it.

In addition to identifying the things that make you angry, get to know how you feel when anger approaches. You might feel tense, hot, short of breath. Your pulse might begin racing, you might get a headache, and maybe you will feel your blood pressure rise.

You might cry or feel depressed or anxious in addition to angry. When you can recognize the symptoms of anger in your own body, you are one step closer to controlling it.

Try talking your way through your feelings. This is one best way to control anger if you are emotionally healthy and able to work through feelings of anger. If you are mad at a person, the best way to deal with it is to talk to that person.

This will only work if you are calm and you know you won't escalate the problem by getting even angrier. If you are unable to talk to the source of your anger, try talking to a trusted friend or a close confidante.

People also find it helpful to talk to a therapist or a counselor. Explaining your reasons for feeling angry will help you see how to handle the anger. You will also get a lot of good tips and tools from an expert on anger if you see a professional.

Redirecting your anger is another good response. This is the best way to control anger if you recognize the feelings you are having and can safely pour them into some other endeavor.

If you are a creative person, writing or painting or creating music or art might help you control your anger. You can take all of the energy and feelings that would otherwise be expressed as anger and use them to create something.

Even if you aren't creative, you can redirect your anger into exercise, home improvement projects or other things that will require a large amount of time, attention and emotional investment.

Avoidance can help you control your anger as well. If you know there is a particular person who manages to set you off every time you see him, avoid him whenever you can. This will cut down on the opportunity for anger to grip you.

By identifying what makes you angry, you can take the necessary steps to avoid the people, situations and events that lead you down that road.

Not everything can be controlled, of course, but you can give yourself a head start and avoid potential anger triggers anytime it's possible.

The best way to control anger depends on what makes you angry and how you respond to it. If you find you are simply unable to manage your anger in healthy ways, it's essential you get professional help.

Talk to a therapist or look for a referral to a support group. Losing control of yourself to anger will cause personal, professional and emotional problems for you in the long term.

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3 Unique Ways to Control Anger

The ideal way to manage a bad habit is to become aware of the triggers, whether it is stress or anger and take pre-emptive actions before one has a complete meltdown or one engages in a course of action that has far reaching consequences.

Anger never just springs upon us, it is preceded by irritation and if one is aware of the indicators, which may differ from person to person, the immediate first-aid approach would include walking away from the distressing situation, counting to ten and even drinking a glass of water to calm one's emotions. For some, saying a quick affirmation helps.

But what if one did not have to rely on first-aid measures? What if one could build one's resilience and ability to remain calm in an anger provoking situation?

There are many ways that one can raise one's threshold to anger. Here are 3 unique ways which can be practiced any time and any place to strengthen our inner selves. They focus on calming the mind and nervous system.

Bee Breath

Music has a calming effect on the mind. Listening to soft music, devotional songs, hearing chants and even listening to the sound of your chanting helps to calm the mind.

Raise your resilience to anger by practising this short exercise on a regular basis called the Bhramari Pranayama (Bee Breath). Derived from the name of the black Indian bee called Bhramari, the sound made during exhalation sounds like a bee hum. Pranayama means breathing technique.

This exercise should be done on an empty stomach.

Sit up straight and keep your eyes closed. Place your index fingers on the cartilage of your ears. The cartilage is located between your cheek and ear.

Inhale deeply through both nostrils and then, with the lips closed, gently press the cartilage exhaling slowly through the nose making the sound of a bee humming.

Repeat this process about 5-10 times. You can practice this pranayama 3-4 times a day.

Ensure that you are not putting your finger inside the ear, but on the cartilage. Also, the cartilage is to be pressed gently and released with the finger.

Moon Breath

We all know about taking a deep breath to calm down. Here is another technique where we can use the act of breathing to cool down our body and calm our mind called the Chandra Nadi Pranayama or Moon Breath.

According to the Chakra theories, the left nostril is connected to the Ida Nadi which provides the cooling effect to the body. This exercise is great not only to cool down when we feel anger coming on, but is a great technique to build our resilience to anger. Other benefits include improving sleep and reducing anxiety.

Sit on a chair with both feet on the ground. Keep your back straight and belly completely relaxed. Start by taking a few deep breaths. Close your right nostril with your right hand index finger. Inhale deeply and slowly and exhale deeply through your left nostril. Do this exercise for 1-3 minutes.

You can also try this about 30 minutes before you retire at night to get a good night's sleep.

Candle Gazing Meditation

This meditation, called Trataka is quite easy and better suited for those of us who find it hard to concentrate on a mantra or image as one can hold onto an after image of a bright flame with closed eyes. It aids us in increasing our resilience to stress & anger as well as increases the power of the mind and eyes.

Place the candle at eye level at a distance of one meter in a dark and draught free room. Sit in a meditative posture with crossed legs with an erect spine. Keeping the eyes wide open and without blinking, gaze at the candle flame until the eyes become watery or tired.

When the eyes are tired, gently close them keeping your inner gaze steady, visualize the object and meditate on it. Once the image vanishes, open the eyes and repeat the candle gazing.

Please note that it is important that the eyes should be relaxed and no force should be applied otherwise a headache is possible. With practice, you will learn to ignore the irritation and watering of the eyes and the gaze will become steady making the mind single pointed..

It is advisable to start this process slowly with say, 10 to 15 seconds at a stretch and with 3 repetitions at a sitting. As time progresses, the duration can be gradually increased by 10 seconds per week.

One method of deepening this form of meditation is to visualize that you are breathing in and out the candle light. Feel a sense of purity and clarity infusing your mind and body and eliminating the stress that you have holed up inside yourself. Remaining still and focussing only on the candle flame stills your mind and with single pointed concentration you enter deep relaxing meditation.

At the completion of the candle meditation, close your eyes and lie down for a few minutes to allow yourself to return to normal.

There will always be times in one's life, whether in the workplace or in our personal lives where we may not have much control over a situation. However, we always have control over how we choose to react and respond to a situation. Controlling our anger and staying calm helps to mitigate potential damage to relationships and prevents us from taking hasty actions with consequent long term repercussions. The first step to managing our irritation and reactions starts with building our anger threshold and these 3 techniques help in achieving our goal - anger management.

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Understanding How To Control Anger In A Relationship

Couples can get thrown off track if they don't know how to control anger in a relationship. When you are in a relationship with someone, you can expect that nearly every emotion available to human beings will show up at one time or another.

You'll enjoy periods of happiness, endure periods of sadness, tackle disappointment, frustration, suspicion, and enjoy as much excitement and attraction as you can possibly handle. There will also be anger. It's impossible to really love someone and not feel angry by them or about them once in a while.

It's a healthy and natural emotion and one that does not have to be negative or damaging to the life you've built together. As long as you can manage it together, you can move past your angry moments.

First, know yourself.

You know what makes you angry and you know how you respond to anger. Take a look at your track record. If you've had a problem managing anger in the past, you need to face that problem and do whatever you can to get it under control so that you don't drag the issue into your relationship.

Think about the tools you've used successfully to manage your anger, and make sure you have them available for when your temper flares with your significant other.

Second, know your partner.

The longer you are with someone, the easier it is to understand what sets that person off and how he or she responds to emotional challenges.

If you have always been able to handle your own anger in healthy ways, but you have noticed that your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend is unable to express anger in appropriate ways, you are going to have some work to do together.

Acknowledge that, and make sure your partner knows you are aware of the anger problems in your relationship, and prepared to work on them together.

Communication is an essential trait of any successful relationship, but it becomes even more important if anger is an issue. If one or both of you have a problem with anger management, communicating openly with each other is going to take on a new significance.

You will have to feel safe with one another and be able to trust each other with your own feelings, fears and frustrations.

Practice talking to one another about difficult subjects without getting angry. See just how far you can go before someone starts to feel like the anger could get out of control.

Everyone has a set of triggers that stimulates the anger response.

Through your experience with one another and your ability to communicate, you should know your own triggers and your partners. It might be impossible to avoid them altogether.

However, you can come up with a plan to manage them together. Avoiding them would be great, and if there are particular situations or people who trigger anger in one of you, try to stay away from them.

Always try to remember, denial will not help you. Face those triggers when you have to and work on getting through the emotional trauma in positive and healthy ways.

Know when to get help.

A good therapist can help you and your partner manage your anger and keep it from destroying your relationship. If you feel like you don't have the tools to control your anger on your own, it's a good idea to speak to someone who can help provide you the resources you need to succeed.

Anger management groups are also useful for many people, and you might benefit from going to these groups as a couple. You'll find support from others and pick up additional tools that might work for you in keeping your relationship alive and healthy even in the face of anger.

One of the best times to talk about anger and address this issue is before you get married or when you decide to embark on a long term relationship with one another.

Such a commitment requires openness, trust and respect. Instead of pretending everything is fine and your emotional health is in check, face whatever anger issues might be plaguing one or both of you.

Your union has much to gain when you know how to control anger in a relationship.

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