A Major Cause of Emotional Suffering

Is it possible that there is one major cause of emotional pain and suffering?

Yes! The major cause of suffering is UNKINDNESS - to yourself and to others.

Let's take a look at why unkindness causes most of the pain in the world.

When you are unkind to yourself through your thoughts, such as judging yourself by telling yourself you are not good enough, how do you feel? Anxious, fearful, hurt, angry? Your unkind self-judgments are causing your suffering.

When you are unkind to yourself through your self-abandoning actions, such as eating badly, not exercising, or ignoring your own feelings and choosing addictions, how do you feel? In the long run you may end up feeling physically ill, scared, alone and so on. Your self-abandoning lack of self-kindness is causing your suffering.

When you are unkind to others through your words or deeds, how do you end up feeling? Angry, lonely, empty, alone? Your unloving actions are causing your suffering.

Suffering is the result of unkindness to ourselves and to others. Would we have wars, famine, crime, homelessness or abuse if we were focused on kindness to ourselves and to others?

Suffering Is Caused By The Wounded Self

The suffering in the world is caused by our wounded selves. The wounded self is never focused on true kindness. Even if we seem to be focused on kindness to others, when we are unkind to ourselves we end up suffering. The wounded self is focused on control, and may even use kindness toward others as a form of control, but control is not kind and will eventually lead to suffering.

This can never change on the level of the wounded self. We cannot move to kindness unless that is our intent, and the intent of the wounded self is always to control ourselves and others. The wounded self believes that controlling brings safety. It is devoted to controlling since it came into being when we were young to try to make us feel safe. The wounded self does not understand that its current efforts to make us feel safe cause our suffering.

Consciously Shifting Your Intent Can Heal Your Suffering

It is only when our intent shifts from control to learning about what is most kind to ourselves and others that true change can occur. When you choose to focus on the question, "What is most kind to me in this moment?" and then follow through with the kind thought or action - toward yourself and others - you will be on the path of ending your suffering. As long as your major focus is unconsciously on the questions, "How can I have control over feeling safe and loved? How can I have control over not being rejected and hurt? How can I have control over not being controlled?" you will be perpetuating your suffering.

Kindness is always a CONSCIOUS choice. When you don't consciously choose your intent - your focus in the moment - then you may unconsciously be focused on control.

Practicing Inner Work Healing Process Can End Your Suffering

This is what practicing Inner Work is all about. It is about choosing to be conscious of your suffering so that you can consciously choose to take responsibility for it by consciously choosing the intent to learn about how your wounded self is causing your suffering. It is about consciously choosing to open to your guidance about what is most kind to yourself in any given moment regarding your thoughts and actions toward yourself and others. It is about consciously choosing to put kindness into action through your thoughts and actions.

If you choose to practice Step One of Inner Work - practicing mindfulness of your inner experience, of your feelings, your emotions, your suffering, and consciously choosing to take 100% responsibility for your feelings - then you can consciously choose the other steps of Inner Work Healing Process. Practicing Step One is the first step toward ending your suffering.

https://ezinearticles.com/?A-Major-Cause-of-Emotional-Suffering&id=9994652

Avoiding Emotional Pain Causes Emotional Pain

We all had to learn many ways of avoiding emotional pain as we were growing up, because we could not have survived the pain of childhood without these protective strategies - which eventually became habitual. The problem is that what once protected us against pain is now causing much of our emotional pain.

For example, Julia grew up with two very judgmental parents. Julia's response to her parents' judgment was to become a very good girl, getting good grades and always trying to please her parents. Since her parents' judgment worked to get her to do things "right," Julia learned to judge herself in order to get herself to do things right. However, instead of her self-judgment motivating her, it caused her to feel so inadequate that she would shut down and become paralyzed, unable to take loving action for herself. The more she shut down, the more she judged herself, causing intense resistance and immobilization. Her self-judgments, designed to control herself into perfection, instead were creating an inner resistance and resulting feelings of inadequacy. By trying to avoid the emotional pain of others' rejection with her self-judgments, Julia was causing herself the emotional pain of inner abandonment.

In her attempts to avoid the core painful feelings of life - loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others - Julia was actually causing herself the painful wounded feelings of emptiness, aloneness, anxiety and depression. She felt these wounded feelings much of the time due to the self-abandonment that resulted from her self-judgments. In her efforts to avoid all this emotional pain, she would then turn to food and alcohol. However, being overweight was also painful to her.

Obviously, the strategy for protection against the pain of rejection that she learned when she was young - self-judgment - was causing her to constantly experience anxiety, depression, emptiness, aloneness, procrastination and feelings of inadequacy. By trying to avoid pain, she was creating pain.

Mario grew up with a father who was rarely around. He drank and ran around with other women. When his father was around, he was highly critical of Mario. Mario's mother was a sweet, caring and compliant woman who loved Mario and never complained about his father. Mario learned to be sweet and compliant with others, but he treated himself just like his father treated him. To protect himself from the pain of rejection, he was compliant with others and judgmental of himself. In addition, he had learned to ignore his own feelings, just as his father had ignored him. He felt safer when he focused on others' feelings, trying to take care of them rather than caring about himself. As a result, Mario felt unimportant, anxious, alone and inadequate. No matter how much he gave to others and others gave to him, Mario felt insecure due to his own self-judgments and self-ignoring. His insecurity resulted in a constant fear that his girlfriend was going to leave him for someone "better."

Just as with Julia, Mario's attempts to avoid the pain of rejection with his caretaking, self-judgments and ignoring his own feelings resulted in more emotional pain.

Many of the people who seek my help do so because they are struggling with sadness, anxiety, depression, aloneness, loneliness, emptiness, addictions, insecurity and resistance. Underneath all this wounded pain is their intent to protect against the core pain of life that might result from rejection and other losses, such as loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others. But in their efforts to avoid the core pain of life, they are rejecting themselves with their self-judgments and addictions. Rather than being mindful of and attending to their own feelings, they are abandoning themselves by ignoring their feelings with their self-judgments and addictions to substances and processes.

As long as they continue to protect again the deeper core pain of life that may result from rejection and other losses, they will be stuck with their anxiety, depression, emptiness, procrastination and fear.

When you are willing to be mindful of your feelings and willing to take responsibility for them, you will begin to move out of the pain that you are creating. Remember, you always have two choices in every given moment - to try to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, or to be open to learning about loving yourself. If you are tired of the pain you are in and want joy instead, start with being mindful of your feelings and being in compassion instead of judgment for yourself. Try it!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Avoiding-Emotional-Pain-Causes-Emotional-Pain&id=9429583

Avoiding Emotional Pain Causes Emotional Pain

We all had to learn many ways of avoiding emotional pain as we were growing up, because we could not have survived the pain of childhood without these protective strategies - which eventually became habitual. The problem is that what once protected us against pain is now causing much of our emotional pain.

For example, Julia grew up with two very judgmental parents. Julia's response to her parents' judgment was to become a very good girl, getting good grades and always trying to please her parents. Since her parents' judgment worked to get her to do things "right," Julia learned to judge herself in order to get herself to do things right. However, instead of her self-judgment motivating her, it caused her to feel so inadequate that she would shut down and become paralyzed, unable to take loving action for herself. The more she shut down, the more she judged herself, causing intense resistance and immobilization. Her self-judgments, designed to control herself into perfection, instead were creating an inner resistance and resulting feelings of inadequacy. By trying to avoid the emotional pain of others' rejection with her self-judgments, Julia was causing herself the emotional pain of inner abandonment.

In her attempts to avoid the core painful feelings of life - loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others - Julia was actually causing herself the painful wounded feelings of emptiness, aloneness, anxiety and depression. She felt these wounded feelings much of the time due to the self-abandonment that resulted from her self-judgments. In her efforts to avoid all this emotional pain, she would then turn to food and alcohol. However, being overweight was also painful to her.

Obviously, the strategy for protection against the pain of rejection that she learned when she was young - self-judgment - was causing her to constantly experience anxiety, depression, emptiness, aloneness, procrastination and feelings of inadequacy. By trying to avoid pain, she was creating pain.

Mario grew up with a father who was rarely around. He drank and ran around with other women. When his father was around, he was highly critical of Mario. Mario's mother was a sweet, caring and compliant woman who loved Mario and never complained about his father. Mario learned to be sweet and compliant with others, but he treated himself just like his father treated him. To protect himself from the pain of rejection, he was compliant with others and judgmental of himself. In addition, he had learned to ignore his own feelings, just as his father had ignored him. He felt safer when he focused on others' feelings, trying to take care of them rather than caring about himself. As a result, Mario felt unimportant, anxious, alone and inadequate. No matter how much he gave to others and others gave to him, Mario felt insecure due to his own self-judgments and self-ignoring. His insecurity resulted in a constant fear that his girlfriend was going to leave him for someone "better."

Just as with Julia, Mario's attempts to avoid the pain of rejection with his caretaking, self-judgments and ignoring his own feelings resulted in more emotional pain.

Many of the people who seek my help do so because they are struggling with sadness, anxiety, depression, aloneness, loneliness, emptiness, addictions, insecurity and resistance. Underneath all this wounded pain is their intent to protect against the core pain of life that might result from rejection and other losses, such as loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others. But in their efforts to avoid the core pain of life, they are rejecting themselves with their self-judgments and addictions. Rather than being mindful of and attending to their own feelings, they are abandoning themselves by ignoring their feelings with their self-judgments and addictions to substances and processes.

As long as they continue to protect again the deeper core pain of life that may result from rejection and other losses, they will be stuck with their anxiety, depression, emptiness, procrastination and fear.

When you are willing to be mindful of your feelings and willing to take responsibility for them, you will begin to move out of the pain that you are creating. Remember, you always have two choices in every given moment - to try to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, or to be open to learning about loving yourself. If you are tired of the pain you are in and want joy instead, start with being mindful of your feelings and being in compassion instead of judgment for yourself. Try it!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Avoiding-Emotional-Pain-Causes-Emotional-Pain&id=9429583

Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist

Healing from a relationship with a narcissist is a learned process. Learn it now!

Many of us have been there.

You met the person of your dreams - charming, intelligent, romantic, attentive, incredible chemistry and great lover. You might have been told how wonderful you are, how this was the first time your lover had ever felt this way and had this level of connection, and you felt truly seen for the first time.

Perhaps there was a nagging unease that all this was happening too fast - that he or she couldn't possibly feel this way about you without knowing you better. But you were swept off your feet and finally decided to open your heart.

The confusion may have started then, as your lover pulled away and become critical. Or, it might have started after you married, and you found yourself with a partner totally different than the person you fell in love with.

Whether your relationship was two months or two years or two decades, it was likely tumultuous, confusing and painful. And if you were married and then divorced, it might have been more painful or even frightening.

There is much healing for you to do if you were in love with a narcissist.

The Process of Healing From Your Narcissistic Partner

1) First you need to be very compassionate with yourself and let yourself grieve for the huge loss of what you had hoped for. It might seem easier to judge yourself for the big mistakes you believe you made, but self-judgment will keep you stuck. There is no possibility of healing when you judge yourself.

Each time the grief comes up, embrace it with kindness and caring toward yourself. Even though you know it's better to have ended this relationship, it's hard to let go of the intensity of a relationship with a narcissist. It's hard to imagine a future relationship that isn't boring compared to the intensity you've been experiencing.

2) Once some of the grief has subsided, then it's time to go inward and explore why you were vulnerable to this person. Was your partner giving you what you were not giving to yourself? Was your partner seeing you and valuing you in the way you need to be seeing and valuing yourself? Did you ignore some red flags because you so wanted it all to be true?

Did you make excuses for your partner to avoid facing the truth? Did you give yourself up to try to have control over getting your partner to be loving to you again? What did you sacrifice to keep the relationship - your integrity, your financial security, your time with family and/or friends, your time for yourself, your inner knowing?

It's vitally important to be honest with yourself so that you don't end up feeling like a victim, and so that you have less of a chance of repeating this in a future relationship.

During this time of self-reflection, it's very important to get support. You might want to join a 12-Step CODA group, go into therapy/facilitation, and/or join a support group.

3) Educate yourself about narcissism. There are numerous books, websites and articles devoted to understanding narcissism. Since I'm certain that you don't want to repeat this, you need to do all you can to learn about what happened. You need to become sensitive to the numerous red flags so that you can pick them up very early in a subsequent relationship.

One of my clients shared that she had met a man six years ago, dated him a few times, and then they remained distant friends. Recently, when she was in his town, they saw each other and she was very attracted to him. He came on strong, inviting her to join him on an upcoming European vacation. She felt uneasy, but a day later texted him to see if he wanted to have dinner with her. He never responded to the invitation. It took her only 24 hours to recognize these two red flags of narcissism - coming on strong and then disappearing. She was pleased that she found this out so soon! Instead of beating herself up for being attracted to another narcissist, she congratulated herself for staying open to the truth.

Since narcissists are often very attractive, any of us can become attracted. But whether or not we will pursue it depends on how much Inner Bonding work we have done.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-From-A-Relationship-With-A-Narcissist&id=9396212