I'm a People Pleaser and I Can't Stand It Anymore (By Kathleen Dwyer Blair)

Help! How do I stop this lifelong pattern of putting everyone's feelings and needs before my own? It feels like it's killing me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Yet, I don't know how to stop. Is it even possible? Is it just too selfish to even consider it? I'm exhausted. Depressed. Anxious. Downright disgusted. I am consistently praised by those I love and society for being so selfless and caring. Yet, I am stressed out and sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like I'm drowning. If this sounds like you, then you may be a people pleaser.

What is a People Pleaser? 

A person who is a people pleaser is someone who feels that they must please others, or put others before themselves regardless of the emotional or physical price. Often this pattern comes from a place of feeling that if we don't do this then someone will be angry, disappointed, or may reject or abandon us. The thought of this may feel unbearable, so the pattern of people pleasing continues.

Is This What Life is All About? 

Some of us are in denial about being a people pleaser. Explaining to ourselves that, "I'm just a caring, compassionate human being and I really like it. I love doing things for the people that I love and it doesn't really matter how it affects me. I'm good with it."

For others of us we do not feel that we have been people pleasing for so long that it's just hopeless to even imagine changing it. We've always been the one to say yes despite the exhaustion of over-committing ourselves. "Is this what I am destined to do forever? Please others and not myself?"

The Effects of The Need to Please 

It is simply exhausting to be a people pleaser and always trying to figure out what the other person wants and needs. Especially when each person in our life wants and needs something different. Therefore, people pleasing depletes our energy-physically, emotionally and spiritually. We may neglect ourselves and our own needs and we might often become resentful. Yet we still don't stop. Often this is where a psychotherapist can help us explore and work through these patterns.

How Did This Pattern Start? 

For many of us, our people pleasing behavior was born and nurtured during our childhood. This behavior may have been a result of being raised in an alcoholic, or otherwise dysfunctional, family. Or becoming a people pleaser may have been because of being a middle child who may have felt invisible. Doing things for others may have been one of the only ways of receiving positive attention. We were the straight A student, or the child who always asked mom or dad "Can I help you?" thus, the son or daughter everyone wanted. Then the positive attention may have been reinforced by our parents, siblings, extended family and teachers.

My wish for you is that you can take the time today to make yourself a priority and do something that brings you happiness and joy.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Im-a-People-Pleaser-and-I-Cant-Stand-It-Anymore&id=9739821

Harvesting the Gift of Compassion (By Barbara Altman)

Story of Compassion; Mother Teresa was the founder of the Order of the Missionaries of Charity, a Roman Catholic congregation of women dedicated to helping the poor. She taught in India for 17 years before she received the call to dedicate her life to caring for the sick and indigent. The Missionaries of Charity established a hospice; homes for the blind, aged, and disabled. They also set up a leper colony.

Mother Teresa was of Albanian descent. Her father was an entrepreneur who worked as a trader of medicines and other goods.

Her father died in 1919, possibly from poisoning perpetrated by political enemies. Her mother, Drana Bojaxhiu, opened her home to the city's destitute to dine with the family. "My child, never eat a single mouthful unless you are sharing it with others," she counseled her daughter. She acquired the gift of compassion at an early age.

At age eighteen, she decided to enter the convent. She began her teaching career which culminated in becoming a high school principal.

On September 10th, 1946 she was on a train to Calcutta when she heard the voice of Christ saying "I want Indian Nuns, Missionaries of Charity, who would be my fire of love amongst the poor, the sick, the dying and the little children," she heard Christ say to her on the train that day. "You are I know the most incapable person-weak and sinful but just because you are that-I want to use You for My glory. Wilt thou refuse?"

Of course, she did not refuse and she and her order ministered tirelessly to the disenfranchised in India.

Moral of the Story: Mother Theresa did not amass great personal fortune. Apparently, she secured more than adequate funds for the Missionaries of Charity, but did not become financially wealthy herself. Her measure of success was measured by the compassion she brought to the poor and indigent in India. Is success always measured in terms of money? Is it always perceived as recognition? Or can it be recognized as a compassion based contribution to society? She based her life on the gift of compassion.

Quotes on Compassion:

Bob Marley"One love, one heart, one destiny." How can we be anything less than compassionate when we consider how intricately we are all woven together? Truly, we are all one. To whom do we extend that compassion? Do we seek shelter for the thousands of children coming in from South America to the detriment of our own poor and disenfranchised? I, for one, could not turn down a destitute child. If we work hard enough we can come up with solutions for all. I don't know where the answers lie, but I'm sure they can be found,.

John Green, Looking for Alaska. The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."

Corrie Ten Boom found it in her heart to forgive those who murdered her family in German concentration camps. Joyce Meyer has forgiven her abusive father. And I have forgiven mine. Truly, the only way to escape suffering is to relinquish old hurts, fears, and transgressions.

Arthur Schopenhauer Compassion is the basis of morality." All moral actions are taken with the perspective of working for the good of all. When we think in terms of compassion, we want the best for everyone. When we act compassionately, we extend healing to others and to self. And when we make compassion the compass of our beliefs, we live and act for the betterment of the world.

Action Plan: Set aside anger and live in compassion. Set aside hurts and act out of love. Set aside pain and live from concern.

Practical Application to Your Life: Do you see yourself as compassionate? Do you see yourself as caring? Do you see yourself as unselfish? Set the intention to exist out of concern for yourself and others. Become politically involved. Become a mentor for someone who needs a hand up. Set the intention to help, to serve, and to encourage.

Weekly Take Away: We have 86,400 minutes in every day. Don't let any of them go to waste. Set aside time to think, act, and live out of compassion.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Harvesting-the-Gift-of-Compassion&id=9551788

Why Your Woman Left You

What do women want? This question has plagued the mind of man since the dawn of man, but the answer isn't as complicated as you would think.

In every relationship, or in any dynamic between two human beings, one of the parties involved always cares less than the other one. It's never a 50/50 split, even if you think it is.

If your woman left you it's because you cared more. Straight up. Now, I'm not saying that you should just stop caring about the woman in your life. This is not what I am saying at all, in fact for any relationship to be healthy love and trust must be at the foundation. But you must remember you are a man, and for a man to keep the woman he loves he must CONTINUE TO BE A MAN.

But what is a man? If you believe a man is someone who graces the front cover of Gucci magazine with jet black eyebrows, a six pack, and a stern look in his eyes, then you are a victim of social conditioning and will never keep a woman around.

A woman does not want you to make her the center of your life. The sentence is so important that you should go back and read it a second time, a third time, perhaps even a fourth time. It is the corner stone of manhood, and the ultimate secret to building a strong long term relationship.

I know what you are thinking, "I made the football game the most important thing today, and my girlfriend began to scream at me, how could this possibly be true?"

A woman will always try and fight it in the moment. She's a woman. She loves to dance in emotion, even if that emotion is negative, as long as she is feeling, she is living. She will also try to make your life hell sometimes by feeling all this emotion, but your job as a man is to make something else the center of your life so that you can stay stable. That's all she wants in the end. For you to remain stable as she dances in emotion. Many men say "women are crazy, they are never logical, why can't they just be normal?" My response is always the same, "go date a man then!" Because women will never change. The moment you accept that women will always be emotional, and that's just the way they are, is the moment you begin to live your life as a man. You stop judging it, you stop criticizing it, and instead of trying to make her happy all the time, you get on living your life and she can come along for the ride.

So what should be at the center of your life then? I suggest a life purpose, a grand goal, a dedication to never ending self-improvement. That is not to say you should dedicate everything to your goal and forget your woman, instead, if you have a purpose in your life, then her emotional dance won't throw you off. But she will try to throw you off. This is important to know. She will constantly test you, and poke you to see if you are really made of that stuff called manhood.

I know all this is easier said than done. But here are FOUR TIPS to help you in the search for your lost manhood.

Pick a goal, any goal: Stop waiting for lightening to strike your mind and for your being to be ignited into some holy purpose. This will never happen. Just choose a goal and start heading towards it, no matter what it is. I don't care if it's to learn to be a master dog groomer. Any path that centers your thoughts and actions is enough to align yourself with manhood and for your woman to start respecting you again.

When she gets crazy, just relax: The worst thing you can do as a man is fall into the emotional dance with her. She doesn't want you to get into her emotional whirlwind because then you will both be swept downstream without a paddle. She wants to dance, and wants you to keep the boat steady. Next time she starts to get emotional just relax, and enjoy her for what she is, which is an emotional creature.

Let her miss you: Don't constantly be texting and calling and seeing her. Give her the gift of missing you sometimes. I would also throw in there the point of not being naked in front of her all the time. After sex, a lot of guys just walk around the house naked, and then it's constantly on show. It's cool to be confident with your twig and berries, but you want to leave a little bit of mystery in the relationship.

Drop the ego: You are a normal human being. I know that you might think your problems are unique, but they aren't. If your woman has a genuine problem to discuss with you, listen to her. Leave your ego at the door and drop the need to be right, because that's a hard battle to win against emotion. As Tyler Durden once said, "you are not a unique snow flake".

Women aren't complicated. They are complicated when we continue to make them logical and rational beings. But this is not what women are. Women are awesome and emotional and gorgeous and just down right fun to be around. So stop trying to put them in a box, and start living your goals. The moment you make your goals the most important thing, the woman in your life will start to smile a lot more and unpack that suitcase.

Regards,

http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Your-Woman-Left-You&id=9091462

Knowing Is Not Enough, Doing Is Better: 3 Ways to Move From "I Know" to "I Do" and Achieve

Most of the time in our lives we know what we should do. Here are some of the few things that we know:

- Eating healthy and exercise is vital for our well being 

- Being caring and loving with our partners is important for the sustainability of our relationships. 

- Taking action on our goals is important for success 

- Work-life balance is essential for the well being of our families in the short term as well as the long term 

and many more other things...

Even though doing what we know is important for our happiness and success, the truth is we do not always do what we know. Why? Well because life has a way of getting us carried away. When we have had difficult days at work and are under stress it's not always easy for us to be loving to our partners even when we know it.

We know we should exercise and we want to exercise. Picking up running shoes and hitting the road does not seem that easy when there are kids to look after or we are seating comfortable in the couch watching our favorite TV shows. We might always have an idea to start a business in our minds, however taking action in the midst of our busy lives might sometimes seem like an inconvenience. We might reason to ourselves that it is not the right time to start a business because kids are still in school or we are still busy with other things. We give ourselves reasons not to act.

To create the outcomes that we want in our lives it is important that we move from just knowing what we want to do or what we should be doing into actually doing what we should do, "moving from knowing, to doing", moving from "I know" to "I do". In this article I would like to share some strategies that you can use in your life to move from knowing what you need to do to actually doing what you know you should do.

1. Reduce your level of tolerance

Partly the reason we sometimes do not move into doing quicker is because we tolerate the status-quo in our lives. It is true that sometimes you need to make compromises in your life to achieve certain things. Compromising on something is healthy as we all have to compromise sometimes. Compromise means that you realize that you have to temporarily give up something in your life to be able to achieve something else.

For instance you might compromise watching your favorite show so that your partner or kids can watch a movie. Or you might compromise going to a gym for a day to attend an important meeting. Tolerance is different though. Unlike compromise, tolerance is usually more permanent. When you tolerate something often you endure it continuously.

It is OK for you to tolerate certain things in your life especially when it involves your loved ones and it is things that neither you or them can change. However, to change your life you have to watch out for what you tolerate.

Often when we think of achieving our goals and changing our lives we think of what we will do. However sometimes what we will no longer do and tolerate in our lives is as important. So my question to you is what will you no longer tolerate in your life to achieve your goals? What will you no longer do? Think about this and make your list. Just to share with you here are the things that I will no longer tolerate:

- procrastination 

- lack of exercise 

- laziness 

- being impatient

So make your own list. The list shouldn't be just about you but also about what you will not tolerate from other people. For instance, I know that I would like to have positive people in my life and I will not tolerate people who complain about things but do nothing to change them. To move from knowing to doing you first need to be firm and know what you will not tolerate.

1. Set new behavioral standards

Once you have identified what you will not tolerate the next thing to do is to set new behavioral standards. It is true that our habits sometimes make us. When we get used to eating unhealthy and are not exercising sometimes it can difficult for us to adopt new behaviors.

You consciously need to set new behavioral standards to move from knowing to doing. I intentional use the word behavioral standard instead of just saying set standards in your life because I know that any standard you have in your life will be realized through a set of behaviors. An athlete does not just set out to break a world record, he or she also adopts behaviors that support this goal through exercising smarter and harder. So I would like you to set new behavioral standards that will move you from knowing to doing.

Identity a set of one or two new behaviors that you will adopt to move yourself from not just knowing what you should do to actually doing it. Here are a few examples that I have set for myself across my personal life and business life:

- I will not go longer than 4 hours without calling my partner no matter how busy I am 

- I will stop eating a lot of meat and have more vegetables in my diet 

- I will be more proactive in my business dealings so I can identify potential problems early

What behaviors can you identify and set as new behavioral standards to move yourself from "I know" to "I do"

3. Do not want, become

I always say this. In our lives we often think of what we want however sometimes we do not need to want for anything we just need to become that which we want. Let me explain.

You might be wanting to be more fit right now and eat healthier. Maybe you think about it often and you set out to do it, buy grocery, start dieting, take your running shoes and run. Sometimes what we think does not happen as smoothly as we want. It might be hard to start, you might procrastinate.

I have found that just by becoming that which you want you can move much more quicker to action. What if instead or wanting to be healthier you just decided that you will behave the same way a person that eats healthier would. When you wake up in the morning you would skip bacon and fried eggs and have fruit salad instead.

What if instead of wanting and thinking about starting a business you began to behave more entrepreneurial by buying and selling merchandise. What if instead of wanting and thinking about become a chef you buy a recipe book and prepare decent meals for your friends. What I am trying to show you is that you can become whatever you want and move from knowing to doing. Writers write, soccer players kick the ball, runners run somethings do not require long thinking and planning that leads to procrastination and no action. Kick a ball if you want to be a soccer star, write if you want to be a writer, prepare decent meals if you want to be a chef, start speaking if you want to be a speaker. I hope you get the idea...

When you do the above you will move yourself from not just knowing what you should do to doing what you should do. No more will you say, '"I would like to exercise", or "I would like a loving relationship" or "I want to start a business"... Instead you will say "I exercise", "I am romantic and have a loving relationship".

It takes just doing to move from "I know" to "I do" and I would like you to make this move and create the kind of life that you truly want and deserve.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Knowing-Is-Not-Enough,-Doing-Is-Better:-3-Ways-to-Move-From-I-Know-to-I-Do-and-Achieve&id=9329510

5 Ways to Survive Criticism From Family Members

You're worthy of unconditional love, and have the right to ask for it.

With the holiday season in full swing, people are preparing themselves—financially, mentally, and emotionally—to spend significant amounts of time with their family. For some, these extended periods with family are the highlight of the year. For others, they’re like standing in front of a firing squad.

If you’re steeling yourself for an onslaught of family criticism this season, know that you’re not necessarily facing a losing battle. And you don’t need to avoid gatherings altogether to gain some relief from the verbal jabs.

The following five strategies for surviving family criticism are valid at any time of the year, but especially during the holidays:

1. Start viewing criticism as misguided caring.

Many people grow up with the notion that if you care about someone, you worry about them. But while worrying about someone’s well-being is well-intentioned, it’s a slippery slope into finding fault with their actions or deeds.

In other words, when a family member expresses disapproval of your actions—or directly criticizes you—they may be doing it because they deeply care about what happens to you. Family members (especially parents and children) often worry about one another because they care. Remind yourself that the criticism that springs from worry may actually be misguided caring. 

2. Speak up! Let relatives know how they can better express that they care.

Reminding yourself that caring and criticism are often related helps, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re dealing with harsh words from someone you love. To stop the harsh words, it helps to educate the relative about a better way to express their caring.

Take a few minutes with the critical person to describe ways he or she could express an opinion that would be more helpful and less hurtful to you. For example, if your sister is always on your case about your low-paying job, tell her that it would be more helpful if she forwarded job opportunities to you instead of criticizing your current situation. Often, all people need is an outlet; they want and to feel like they are doing something. Provide them with an alternative outlet that works better for you.

3. Encourage prioritization.

Let’s say your dad constantly nags you and your spouse about having a baby and moving back to your hometown. Ask him, “If we could only do one of those things—have a baby or move back home—which would you pick?” Prioritizing the critical person’s concerns in this way helps narrow the focus of the criticism. You may continue to endure nagging about their “top priority” concern, but the lesser concerns will likely fall by the wayside. This may even help the criticizer gain better clarity about what he or she actually wants from you. 

4. Give gentle reminders that you are worthy of unconditional love.

Criticism from family can be deeply painful. Even when you know intellectually that it comes from a place of love, it doesn’t feel very loving. That’s because criticism conflates one’s actions and circumstances with who they are as a person. When someone attacks your actions or circumstances, it can feel like he or she is attacking your character.

If someone in your family insists on conflating your worth as a person with a list of tasks he or she would like to see you accomplish, it’s time to remind that person that you are deserving of unconditional love. You are bigger than your spending choices, your rental history, your career path, or your childlessness. You know that, and your family should, too.

5. Understand that purposeless negativity is just that—purposeless negativity.

The previous tips give your family members a certain benefit of the doubt: They assume that your relatives are reasonable people with good intentions who, through upbringing or conditioning, have developed some poor communication habits.

This tip is for a family member who’s just mean: He or she doesn’t particularly care about you, your future, or your feelings. This relative is just critical because putting others down makes them feel good. He or she is a bully, deeply insecure, or both. Such a person doesn’t deserve your attention just because they hold the title of "family member.” Their criticism can and should be dismissed as nothing more than purposeless negativity.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201511/5-ways-survive-criticism-family-members

5 Emotional Lessons from the Movie 'Inside Out'

The first time I saw the Pixar film Inside Out, I had to hold back an all-out convulsive sob. My 7-year-old son, whose caring, sensitive soul constantly amazes me, looked up at me to see tears streaming down my face, and the pace of his own tears quickened. We saw the film a second time with my mother and 91-year-old grandmother, and four generations of tears flowed. The smartest and saddest movie Pixar has ever made, Inside Out comes to Blu-Ray Nov. 3 so you can cry with as many members of your family as you want in the comfort of your own home.

The film takes place inside the mind of 11-year-old Riley, who learns to wrangle five personifications of her emotions—Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger, while making the life-changing move from Minnesota to San Francisco.

There could have been as many as 21 different emotions featured in the film, such as boredom, contempt and embarrassment that make up our emotional DNA. That's the suggestion psychologists Paul Ekman and Dacher Keltner made when they first consulted on the film five years ago, when writers began the intricate task of developing human emotions as a cast of characters.

Inside Out director Pete Docter was close to adding a sixth character—pride, an early press kit for Inside Out reveals. “Or Schadenfreude, who delighted in the pain of others. But it started getting crowded in there. We ultimately landed on five,” Docter says.

“The Emotions are kind of like the voices in our heads,” says Docter, who won an Academy Award for the 2009 film Up, another tear-jerker disguised as a kid flick. “When we were just getting started on this film, we looked around at our kids, friends, co-workers and we realized that everybody has a default temperament.”

So, would you be able to name your default emotion, or the temperament you feel most often? Most of us can't, the psychologists Ekman and Keltner say. That's what I find amazing about Inside Out—its ability to give us a tangible handle to describe our emotions—something that stays with viewers long after the film is over.

When the story was pitched to Mindy Kaling, the voice for Disgust, she broke down in tears, explaining "I just think it's really beautiful that you guys are making a story that tells kids that it's difficult to grow up and it's OK to be sad about it."

Here are four lessons we can learn from Inside Out:

1. “All right everyone, fresh start! We're gonna have a good day, which will turn into a good week, which will turn into a good year, which will turn into a good life!” — Joy

Joy, voiced by Amy Poehler, is the bright-colored, glowing character inside Riley’s mind who measures her success by the number of happy days she can produce.

In this line from the movie, Joy thinks that a good life is one that never experiences hardship, but her short-sightedness keeps her from realizing the benefit of other emotions, such as fear, disgust or anger. Thankfully, we know that a good life is not a perfect life absent of emotion.

2. “Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life's problems.” — Sadness

None of the other characters understand the purpose of Sadness, voiced by The Office’s Phyllis Smith, and with good reason—it seems Sadness simply slows down Joy’s desire for quick decisions and quick fixes. She is a sluggish, slumped-shouldered drag in a blue hue, who Joy has to literally drag around Riley's mind.

The film's psychologists say in their New York Times op-ed they took issue with sadness's portrayal because inside our minds, sadness is not a sluggish nuisance, but rather a physiological response that signals the body to respond (we cry). Though Sadness delivers this line as comic relief, she accurately describes what happens when we experience profound loss. We slow down, we process and we cry. 

3. “I know you don't want me to, but... I miss home. I miss Minnesota. You need me to be happy, but I want my old friends and my hockey team... I wanna go home. Please don't be mad…” — Riley

Riley wants to be happy, just as her parents and any other 11-year-old girl thinks she should be, but she becomes overwhelmed with the different feelings she's begun experiencing, including anger and disgust that masquerades as joy—the result, sarcasm. Unable to cope with her internal conflict, Riley loses interest in friends, activities and core personality traits that once made her happy and made her the person she is. This, of course, psychologists will say is a classic description of depression. 

But the one emotion that breaks through and reunites the pre-teen with her parents is sadness. Riley breaks down in tears in this scene, finally releasing all the emotion she's bundled inside. This important line in the movie reveals sadness is a more powerful emotion than happiness. With regard to Inside Out's character development, Joy may be the most appealing and easiest character to like, but Sadness rises as the most important emotion of them all.

4. "You need me to be happy..."

Early in the movie, Riley’s mother praises her “brave and happy girl” for keeping a smile on her face through the family’s difficult transition. Unknowingly, Riley's mother has suggested that happiness, or at least putting on a brave face to feign happiness, is the best way to cope. 

As the months go on and Riley struggles with the adjustment, she finds it harder to be happy like her parents want. But she didn't need to force herself to be happy. She needed to be allowed to be sad. During this scene when Riley breaks down crying, she shares a formative moment with her parents, who finally realize they can't take away the hurt for their daughter, but can show her it's ok and normal to be sad. 

Of all the poignant messages that Inside Out delivers, this is the most important. "The real star of the film is sadness, for Inside Out is a film about loss and what people gain when guided by feelings of sadness," the psychologists Eckman and Keltner write. 

Sadness, tears and the emotion of awe I felt about this movie led me to share the experience with my mom, an intelligent, sensitive soul, but someone I have a hard time showing emotion to. But for the second time seeing Inside Out in a theater, I cried in front of her—a lot and for the first time in years. 

 http://www.success.com/blog/5-emotional-lessons-from-the-movie-inside-out