Finding Time Can Mean Saying No, Even When You're Scared to Death!

Finding time might begin for you, today, with finding the courage to say No. Maybe your schedule and To Do List are jam-packed, and adding one more thing will throw everything else out-of-whack. But saying no to a request (or a demand) for your time can present challenges.

Sometimes, refusing to engage in low-priority activities and commitments is quite easy, isn't it? You're direct and you set limits clearly. Furthermore, the results speak for themselves. You exercise positive control over much of your day.

But every so often, the refusal may get caught in your throat. Your chest tightens, and... you're just scared to death to say no.

How do you handle situations like this when they arise in your life now? Try a quick quiz to broaden your understanding of how you approach stressful demands. Note how often you resort to each of these actions, using "0" for "never" and 5 for "always":

"When I feel scared to death to say No, I: 

_____ Push my misgivings aside and charge blindly ahead.

_____ Mutter about how impossible the other person is.

_____ Criticize myself for feeling so apprehensive.

_____ Hint that my refusal is the other person's fault.

_____ Postpone the big talk until the ideal time, like never."

If your score is 0-5, saying No isn't much of a problem for you - unless you've figured out yet another self-defeating stratagem to avoid the issue!

But what if your score is higher? In that case, your avoidance of saying No probably hurts you even more than you comprehend. Anger simmers, and relationships and self-esteem become more fragile. Over time, anxieties compound. Paralyzing fear takes quite a toll.

There's another way to handle this impasse. To do so, you must break outworn promises you made to yourself long ago!

Today we'll explore 3 powerful questions to help break the choke hold that fear has on your assertiveness. Ask them as often as you need to. And let the answers bubble up, as you listen to each response. They will be brimming with useful information for you!

Ask yourself: 

1. What is the origin of my fear of saying No? Compassionately see the younger you, who had fewer options than you do now. Think how much stronger and more autonomous you are today! Is there any friendly message that you can offer to the part of you that is stuck in the past?

2. What made silence my safest choice back then? Perhaps your course of action really was the best option you had at the time. At any rate, it can be helpful to understand how your current difficulty is based in approaches that once made a lot of sense to you. You are then much less likely to judge yourself as weak. Also, consider how circumstances have changed.

3. How does this fear of saying No trap me now? Seeing all the ways your old promises to yourself hold you back helps you replace your outworn approach with a more appropriate one.

Does this help as you strive to set meaningful time boundaries and find more time? Stay tuned... in an upcoming post, we'll explore 3 simple strategies for putting these fears behind you!

Are you inspired to find time and increase your effectiveness, efficiency and enjoyment?

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Assertiveness, The Right Way of Being!

Assertiveness is the ability to formulate and communicate one's own thoughts, opinions and wishes in a clear, direct, and non-aggressive way. It is the ability to express oneself and one's rights without violating the rights of others. The ability to be assertive is an asset which is necessary to achieve worthwhile aims and impose some order and justice in one's environment. Assertiveness does not equate to being selfish as one pays attention to not only his/her own rights, but also is sensitive to the rights of others.

It would be good to understand here the difference between assertive behavior and other types of behavior. Aggressiveness means that one expresses one's own rights but at the expense of degrading, or humiliating another individual whereas submissiveness means that one is just unable to express one's rights and keeps compromising the self, leaving one with feelings of humiliation, guilt and dissatisfaction.

Thus the types of responses that one can give in a situation are different. Let us take a look at the types of responses and what they would mean: Assertiveness

• Submissiveness: I lose-You win
• Aggressiveness: I win-You lose
• Assertiveness: I win-You win

Thus one would understand that 'When you communicate assertively, you are more likely to achieve your goal without becoming involved in a conflict with the other person which then leads one to the I win-You win position'.

But are there any reasons that are keeping you from being assertive? Let us explore some which may be the impediments that may not be allowing you to assert yourself:

1. Fear of change.
2. Refusal to admit one's submissiveness.
3. Fear of ruining relationships if you speak your mind.
4. Lack confidence in your ability.

Dealing with the following before you embark on the journey towards transformation is important:

1. Deal with the anxiety associated with change.
2. Reconcile the conflicts within your value system.
3. Assess the repercussions of being assertive.
4. Prepare others for the changes they will see in your behavior or attitude.

Developmental measures on a way to Assertiveness...

What you could do to become assertive:

• Use "I" messages
• Choose assertive words carefully
• Check-up
• Action plan Benefits of Assertiveness:

Here are the Benefits of Assertiveness:

Embark on this journey towards assertiveness; motivate yourself towards being assertive as the benefits are immense:

• Better management of relationships
• More balanced lifestyle
• Improvement in productivity and effectiveness as a worker
• More in control of one's daily schedules and plans
• Reduced stress.

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Top Ten Assertiveness Techniques

While it may be true that some people are naturally more assertive than others, this doesn't mean that assertiveness skills can't be learned. Here are ten top assertiveness techniques that if practiced often will lead you towards becoming more assertive.

1. Distance and personal space

No one likes someone else invading their space. It's important not to let someone you don't know very well invade your space (known as passive aggressive behaviour and is a form of manipulation). You know when your space has been invaded because you'll feel uncomfortable - it's important to set boundaries there and then, either verbally or non-verbally, e.g stepping back to give yourself more space or using another form of non-verbal assertive behaviour.

2. Good time management

Books have been written on this 'subject'. Being consistently late for meetings or appointments nearly always points to a lack of self-worth. This also goes for giving other people too much of your time - to value one's time is to value oneself.

3. Broken Record Technique

Sometimes difficult to do but when used correctly the Broken Record Technique can be very effective. You state clearly what you want (or don't want) and when you meet with resistance repeat again and again and...A good time to use the Broken Record Technique could be when a salesman calls and presses you for a sale, try something like "I'm not interested, thank you." A disadvantage with the Broken Record Technique is that the more you use it the weaker its effect will be.

4. Disclosure

A disclosure can be very effective when you want to honest and upfront about something you feel the listener may not fully be aware of or understand. An example of this could be a person who is a hard of hearing asking the other person to speak up a little because they are a little hard of hearing. It's sometimes amazing how much better you can feel when using the disclosure method, something that was once seen as a handicap can be seen in a more positive light.

5. Fogging

You agree with your 'critic', and like a clear fog you let the criticism go in through one ear and out the other. When someone criticizes you you agree by saying something like "You're right, my dress doesn't really match my purse," or "You know, you probably have a point there, my hair is a little messy, I like it this way though." When you use the fogging technique it's best to see all criticism as feedback. You let it ride over you and don't get involved with what's being said. It can be a fantastic way to defuse a verbal attack and shows your critic just how assertive you are.

6. Maintain eye contact

Good eye contact does two things - it makes the listener feel that you respect them and it makes you look more confident to the other person. Too much looking down or looking away will make you come across as either nervous or worse still as if you don't respect what the listener is saying. Another thing to remember is that too much eye contact and it may look as if you are staring them out and so can appear quite aggressive.

7. Stand upright

When you slouch you can appear less confident to the observer, you may also appear lazy or shy. Of course, standing too erect and military-like, among other things will probably lead to an aching back. Stand upright and walk slowly when entering a room and you will look assertive.

8. Sit up

When you sit make sure you are sitting upright. Don't cross you legs or fold your arms - two signs of nervousness. Sitting up makes you look more alert, interested in the listener and interesting to the listener.

9. Active listening

Repeating briefly what the other person has said when appropriate is a good assertiveness skill to learn. Make sure you keep it short and don't interrupt the speaker when they're in full flow. You can use phrases like "So if I'm hearing you correctly your view is..." or "So you're saying... is this correct?"

10. Tone of voice

When we are nervous we tend to speak higher, softer and quicker. If you have a tendency to speak quickly in stressful situations then mentally counting to two each time before you speak will help. Taking a few deep breaths before you speak helps has a calming effect. If your voice tends to get higher pitched then imagining the sound coming out of your chest will help to keep it at a deeper tone making you sound more confident.

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