Miserable Together But Can't Afford To Leave?

Listening to a friend recently who was totally miserable, married to a man who neither loved or respected her I found myself wondering why they were still together.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, when a marriage ends, the woman is the one who files for divorce two-thirds of the time.

So why doesn't my friend leave her husband?

For a man, his main reason is:

• Lack of physical intimacy.
• Meeting another woman.
• He's no longer no.1 (especially when children come along).
• For her and many like her, the reasons are not always clear, women leave for very different reasons.

Lack of, or no emotional connection. For a woman, there needs to be an emotional intimacy before a physical one. If there is no emotional intimacy sex is unlikely to follow. A husband needs to know what she's thinking and how she is feeling, not always an easy thing to figure out!

Miss matched Finances. Usually, the couple is going in different directions when it comes to money. One maybe a spend thrift the other cannot save. One may be a risk taker the other very conservative when it comes to investments. Either way, it spells disaster if not sorted especially if the man holds the purse strings.

Spending time with family. Whilst women like to engage with wider family members, men are more reluctant to spend time with their mother in law. Discipline and child welfare usually comes under the woman's domain and when the men do step in it's usually not of the same opinion of the wife. Whilst many men still perceive themselves as the breadwinners women resent the fact that they work full-time and still have full-time childcare.

Conflict solving. People rarely agree 100% of the time, finding the common ground can make for a better relationship but if one person always has to back down then resentment will build. Never argue in front of children and always have a common approach to child welfare and discipline.

Controlling or abusive behaviour is never acceptable on either part, man or woman. When it starts it will rarely stop and in many cases, emotional abuse will turn physical.

And the upshot of all this is that woman feel happier, relieved and have a certainty that they were right to end their marriage (despite evidence that divorce may harm their children)

In order for a relationship to work there has to be an investment from both the husband and wife.

We put our time, energy and money into a marriage but more importantly we invest passion, intimacy, and affection... sometimes, just sometimes when we've given all we've got to give there is nothing left.

When this happens we have to say "enough is enough" and walk away.

5 ways to support yourself if you separate...

1. Talk to local advisory services about divorce - find out who you need to inform and why.
2. Seek legal advice before you leave - many solicitors will offer free legal services (30mins sessions).
3. There are many money advice services on the internet who give information regarding the Benefits system and what you may be entitled to.
4. Family and friends are an invaluable support network, swallow your pride and ask for help, don't try to do it alone. There is a huge social media network online to offer advice and support.
5. If you are in danger always contact the police first, don't hesitate, look after yourself.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Miserable-Together-But-Cant-Afford-To-Leave?&id=9426958

The Challenges of Being a Separated Father (As Told By a Divorced Man)

I'm not going to lie to you, my life is a mess. As I write this, I live near my ex wife so I can be near my children whilst my new wife and step-son live 200 miles away. I never thought it'd end up like this and wish I could start over but that won't happen so I have to play the cards I was dealt.

So let's go back ten years. I met a girl and very quickly she fell pregnant. I wanted to do the right thing so I asked her to marry me. She said yes and the next few years were a whirlwind. We had two more kids, moved away due to my career in the military and didn't have chance to breathe. We also didn't get chance to know each other properly so it's no wonder that when the going got tough she ran.

I don't blame her, but I did for years. She'd left me whilst I was serving overseas and I felt she'd taken my children from me. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to provide and she was supposed to raise the kids. But that's pretty naive really.

So I found myself alone, carrying on my career with her and the kids back in our home town. I saw them every weekend and in fact built a far better relationship with them alone than previously. It was me and them. The only regret from that period was that I'd not been able to have any one on one time with them as time was short.

I probably packed these weekends with too much stuff, wanting to make up for all the time I'd missed when they'd have been as happy relaxing. But I wanted to take them places, treat them well, pack their brains with happy memories. Hopefully they'll remember some of them as I certainly do.

So I carried on like this until I met my second wife. She lived down where I was based and I guess I was looking for some company. However, we quickly fell in love and wanted to spend as much time as possible together. Not so easy when you have two other commitments pulling you in different directions. I just couldn't be enough to any of them so I juggled and plotted ways of making it work. That was my life for years, spinning plates.

I think the failure of my first marriage also clouded my beliefs in regards to relationships too. It's like I punished my second wife for the way I'd been let down by my first wife. I expected her to leave too and likely pushed her to that point when all she wanted to do was love me and be my husband. She was the woman I'd wanted the first time round but I couldn't see it at that time. I made life hell for her.

I put work and my kids before her so she lost out. I'd got it all wrong. I also got it wrong by her son. I just couldn't assimilate us all into one family. I was angry and resentful and needed someone to blame. I couldn't blame my kids and felt I needed my job so only had her to blame.

However I then went and lost it all due to my behaviour. In quick succession I lost my kids, I lost my wife and I lost my job. I was a danger and couldn't see it because I'd become so consumed by my anger. So I ran away, I drank too much and I slid to the depths of despair. I never felt suicidal but I really couldn't see a way out. I just wanted to shut the world out and head to oblivion.

I'd blanked my kids out by this point as it was too painful not being able to speak to them. I knew I needed to sort my life out but wasn't ready until I'd hit rock bottom.

So I attended therapy, attended AA meetings and focused on my health, both mental and physical. I couldn't hope to get any of them back into my life without sorting myself out first.

I made some tough decisions. I opted to leave the military and moved back to my home town. I was still in contact with my wife but was so confused about what I wanted. I blamed her still at first until I could see that it'd been me all along. It was only with time and a clear head that I began to realise what had happened.

I was able to regain contact with my kids but still didn't have my wife. How could she trust me or have faith in me considering what I'd put her through. In an attempt to satisfy everyone, I'd lost it all. We've been talking recently but she's rightly cautious. That coupled with the distance between us means that there's still a lot to figure out.

However I have to do it correctly now. Clear previous resentment and fears, decide what I want and what I can give. Be at peace with myself. Then win back my kids and wife and never allow my emotions get the better of me again.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Challenges-of-Being-a-Separated-Father&id=9361845

How to Save Your Marriage When You Are the Only One Who Wants to!

It's amazing how often that when slow, gradual changes occur, it can completely escape our notice. The average husband typically does not even recognize that his wife has been moving slowly further and further away from him until the day she moves into a separate bedroom or another house, or he catches her engaged in an affair.

Most likely, the husband in this scenario is actually a pretty decent guy. He's a great provider and he is a good father to all of his children. The problem was that he neglected to meet his wife's needs for so long and he more or less only sought her attention when he wanted intimacy. After years of building resentment, his wife decided it was time to separate or end the marriage.

What happened? Well... the signs where there all along, but the husband didn't see the gradual pulling away that his wife was doing. Usually by the time she has taken decisive action, she has no more interest in saving the marriage or working with her husband to fix things. She's tried getting his attention for years and he let her words go through one ear and out the other.

If you are a husband in this situation... if you have a wife who is departing and unwilling to take any steps towards you... Don't lose hope! It's not time to throw in the towel just yet. If your wife is still talking to you then there is always a chance you can have a marriage turnaround and have her moving towards you instead of away.

The following is a list of actions that you can take if you find yourself in this situation:

1. Look Deep Inside Yourself: Do you struggle with insecurity, neediness, anger, jealousy, rage, envy, laziness, sadness, depression, or guilt? If so, you should know that if left unresolved you will drive your wife away little by little. Wives who have to pull their husbands out of a funk repeatedly will soon be too drained to give him anything else. If your wife also have to deal with your addictions too on top of the above list, then she'll be reduced to the role of a mommy-caregiver and she'll want to move far away from that!
2. Adjust your Priorities: Many men make the mistake of putting their wife low on their list of priorities. This is in stark contrast to the time when you were courting her. Unfortunately, your priorities changed soon after you achieved your goal of getting married. Like many men, you most likely set your sights on getting a house, a better job, a better vehicle, and creating a better life. However, somewhere in there you neglected to get your wife's input, or consider her wants and needs, or give her the attention she craved. What good is having all these things if you have no one to share them with. Make sure your wife ranks equally with yourself.
3. Curb your Agenda: Men in this situation tend to shift their priorities solely on "getting their wife back", by whatever means necessary. The problem here is that most men don't think ahead beyond that singular goal. So what are you going to do after you get her back? Are you going to treat her the same way you did before she left? Are you going to put her needs equal to your own? It's a mistake for a man to think that this situation is all his wife's "fault"... and if he doesn't make some significant changes in himself, then he'll be right back in the same situation once again. Before you take steps to draw your wife back to you, ask yourself if you want things to go back to what you had before or if you want something better.
4. Apply Personal Development: Truly, this is what all men should be doing all the time. Self development is key to any man's success in all areas of his life. A man who stops learning and growing, is a man who's wife will eventually decide that she doesn't want to be around a man who doesn't want more for himself and others. Why not learn those aspects of yourself that's pushing your wife away and fix it? Why not learn new ways of thinking, talking, and behaving that your wife would find attractive, and apply it! Why not spend your time, money, and energy into learning how to make a relationship... a truly happy relationship, work?
5. Find a Mentor: A man can do it all on his own, through a painstakingly long trial and error process. A man can conduct his own experiments to try and find out what works with women and what doesn't. However, with the stakes being so high (losing your wife and half your possessions in a divorce), you don't want to take chances. So instead, begin with the people you know. Do you know any men who have successfully prevented divorce and are now thriving in a happy marriage? Do you know any couples that have been married over 20 years, yet are still crazy about each other and are frequently intimate. Do you know anyone who has the kind of married people dream about? If you do, talk to them and find out what they did to get to where they are. If you can't find a mentor in your circle of friends, or you prefer to speak with someone from the comfort and safety of your home, there are men online ready and willing to be your mentor during this time in your life.

If you feel your wife moving away from you, or has already moved out, it's time to take action. A mentor can help you develop yourself into the kind of man that draw your wife back to you. You're looking for a real, permanent, change in yourself so that not only do you get your wife back... but she'll never leave you again!

ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Save-Your-Marriage-When-You-Are-the-Only-One-Who-Wants-to!&id=9019768

What Guys Look For in a Wife! Here Are the Things You Must Keep in Mind If You Want to Be Liked

Men believe that there are two types of women in this world- one, who they can have a loads of fun with and the other, who they can take home to meet their mothers. If you want to know what men look for in women who they see as potential wife material, then read on...

An independent woman
Firstly, times have changed and so have men. They really don't want the stay at home wife who only cooks and cleans for him. He wants a woman who is independent and values her career. He is supportive enough as she goes all out and does well in her chosen profession.

A real woman- not a diva 
Men also look for the real thing. As long as a woman is acting like a diva he will chase her. But the moment things get serious this diva has to morph into something more real...like a real human being who is reasonable and understanding. While the diva stuff can work when he begins to turn into a cave man, limit the prima donna attitude to only extreme times.

A woman in charge- not a nag 
Men like women who are in charge. They know that eventually the reigns of his life will fall in her hands and so, he wants to be with a woman who knows this truth but never throws it on his face. Also, abuse of power is very wrong so becoming a nag is definitely not going to help.

A supportive nature 
In the potential wife, men most definitely look for a supportive woman. This woman supports him in his career, and allows him to focus on his career than on anything else. This woman understands and identifies with the man's need to succeed in his chosen profession since it is his identity that is linked with it.

A spontaneous person 
Go with the flow...spontaneous...fun...these are all the things that men want their wives to be. He doesn't want his spouse to be a ticking timetable who refuses to budge if something isn't intimated to her well in advance.

A woman who knows them inside out 
He wants a woman to be his wife when he knows that she knows him inside out. Men, unlike women, take time to open up and once they have found a woman they can be completely comfortable with they start seeing the "wife material" in her. This woman knows all about him and his vulnerabilities and nurtures him accordingly.

A woman who can handle his life - family, friends, money and sex! 
Men also look for a woman who is diplomatic enough to handle his family and friends well; uses his money wisely and is great in bed!

http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Guys-Look-For-in-a-Wife!-Here-Are-the-Things-You-Must-Keep-in-Mind-If-You-Want-to-Be-Liked&id=4076809