On the Paradox of Finding Comfort in Low Confidence

If you know anyone with low confidence, you'd want them to feel more confident, right?

However, things aren't always that simple.

Low confidence is a lot like depression. In that it has that one counter-intuitive paradox to it:

Depression and low confidence holds us back. But for that same reason, they can actually feel safe.

Indeed, confidence can be scary!

Well, actually, it's not confidence in itself that's scary. On the contrary, confidence is the antithesis to being scared.

However, if one has low confidence or none at all, the IDEA of having it can sometimes be quite frightening.

Indeed, if you have low confidence, confident people can come off as brash, intimidating, and careless towards other people's sensitivities.

Therefore, staying in your "safe spaces" can seem all too easily obvious. You don't speak up; you tend not to disagree; maybe you don't even get out much.

Ultimately, your low confidence can end up as a sort of trusted companion to you. Because not taking any risks can seem safe and secure.

And - you guessed it - here's what's wrong with that... :

Deep down and honestly, beyond all the fear, doubt and superficial comfort, we all know that we want more than that. Some of us might even know that we actually CAN DO better than that.

But taking action can be scary. Because often, we wouldn't know where to start. Nobody told us. How would we know?

And what if we mess it all up beyond repair?? We could ruin our reputation, right?! And other people would maybe LAUGH at us!!

...

Here's what we all need to realize:

The biggest risk is not taking any action at all.

Altogether now:

THE BIGGEST RISK IS NOT TAKING ANY ACTION AT ALL.

Only when we've made it fully clear to ourselves that our perceived comfort in low confidence is by far the bigger evil can we move towards action.

And the good part is that often, the biggest difference is not what action we take, rather than the fact that we take action in the first place.

See, if we truly want to get confidence, we gotta start by getting used to taking action. And, popularly speaking, this means, get off your ass and deal with your circumstances.

But no, really: If you don't take action on your own behalf, who do you expect will do it for you?

Nobody will! Your parents won't be around forever. And your friends' support, however generous, only goes so far. Their food budget isn't yours, and you can't stay on their couch forever. (Or, indeed, any couch.)

And of course, this only applies to those lucky enough to have parents and supportive friends. Not everyone is.

Whatever the case, it really is up to you to take action.

ACTION ITEM:

This week, stretch yourself. Challenge yourself in an area of your life where you have particularly low confidence. (And if that's "all of them", just pick one.)

If you're anxious about approaching other people, do it. Ask a stranger for directions anywhere and exchange a few words in the process. If you feel like you could have done a lot better, do it again.

Getting our of our comfort zone is the true killer of low confidence.

https://ezinearticles.com/?On-the-Paradox-of-Finding-Comfort-in-Low-Confidence&id=9733299

We Need a More Nuanced Way of Saying "Just Do It" (By Andy Kay)

People with low confidence and/or depression endure additional frustration when confronted with the attitude of just do it.

Popularized by an immense athletics corporation, it's hard not to see the mass-appeal of this ubiquitous saying. -- And of its more jaunty sibling: Nothing to it but to do it.

Ah, how quaintly it conveys confidence and a winning spirit.

Unfortunately, it's hardly translatable into utility.

Two reasons for that:

1) First of all, it only presents an attitude that, when paired with persistence, focus, and above all a crystal clear plan, will help you endure. But when you have neither, what good is a one-sentence peptalk in itself?

In other words: I should just do what, exactly?

And when? And how? For how many hours a day? What time of day? And until when? And succeeded by what?

2) Second, depression and low confidence is impossible to understand unless you've been through it yourself. And the people who are keen on giving well-meant advice often have no clue what kind of situation they're addressing... :

"Feel depressed? Well, you just gotta pull yourself together!"

"Can't lose weight? Well, you just gotta eat less and exercise more!"

"No luck with the ladies? Well, you just gotta be yourself!"

"Don't have any friends? Well, you just gotta have more confidence!"

*SIGH*

Look: Building one's confidence and/or breaking free of depression can be tough. Solving those issues can take months, or even years. And...

If you have neither confidence nor direction in life, being met with an attitude of just do it isn't only inappropriate; it can seem downright insulting.

If we want to carry something out, we gotta be specific about it. Only THEN does it make sense to talk about "just" doing something.

First, however, we gotta figure out what we're gonna do. And for many people, this in itself is a biggie.

(Hell, it took me +33 years!)

Specifically, the best way to get started on this is to start walking one path. Plain and simple.

Pick it out of interest. If you don't feel like you're going anywhere, pretty much anything will do.

This isn't a mandatory future career we're embarking on here. We merely walk a path because any momentum is essential for any progress, and because standing still will only cause us to deteriorate.

Also, if at any point we feel like changing directions, we can always do that. And we will have gathered valuable experience for our onward journey.

ACTION ITEM:

Write down at least three things you'd like to answer the next time someone gives you the happy-go-lucky attitude of just do it.

No need to be belligerent. Just think about what you'd most of all want people to understand, and use that as a benchmark.

Optionally, if what you need might be direction, write down three things you'd might want to pursue. List any pros and cons beneath each one. If you have no interests whatsoever, take comfort in the fact that you likely have worlds of undiscovered interests ahead.

http://ezinearticles.com/?We-Need-a-More-Nuanced-Way-of-Saying-Just-Do-It&id=9725349

5 Stupid Excuses for Giving Up

There's a saying that goes: "If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse."

Boom. Love it.

If a project is neither necessary or interesting for you anymore, there's no shame in abandoning it. But otherwise, there are only excuses for giving up on working towards our deepest dreams and desires.

And I wage that there are only stupid excuses for giving up the project of building one's confidence.

With that, I hereby line up five of these excuses and debunk them one at a time:

#1. "I've tried everything"

First of all, no you haven't. Because if you did, you'd have succeeded.

Second, let's even say for a moment, hypothetically, that you'd literally tried everything and still not succeeded. Ask yourself what's most likely: That A) somehow it just doesn't work for you out of everyone who's tried everything, ever, or that B) there's one or more steps which you simply haven't done properly.

#2. "It's too hard"

Too hard for what?? Nothing is "too hard" if you do it in achievable magnitudes. In other words: Break it down into smaller bits and don't do more than possible at a time.

Even if you're about to take on a major endeavour, you gotta start wherever you're at. And all the better if you start slowly and accelerate gradually. If you're gonna run a marathon, you're not gonna start off by doing all 26 miles at once. But if you can run 20 minutes three times a week, you're off to a decent start.

Wanna start your own business? Read the three best books in your field and you'll be way ahead of the vast majority.

#3. "I've given up on everything else, once more won't make any difference"

This isn't something we say out loud, but a piece of inner dialogue. It's habitual thinking out of habitual action - or lack thereof. And it's a painfully obvious result of low confidence and self-esteem.

If it's important to you, it does so make a difference that you don't give up. And that, plus the fact that you've given up on "everything else", even if it's an exaggeration, is all the more reason for you to not give up on this one.

#4. "I haven't got the time"

Just like the "I've tried everything" mindset, this mindset is one of limited resourcefulness. It's probably the most common and reasonable one on here. - But it's still no more than an excuse.

You see... WE ALL HAVE 24 HOURS EVERY DAY.

There is no such thing as "I haven't got the time". There is only wrong prioritizing and lack of energy, and these are amenable obstacles.

Getting a coach is a hugely effective way of solving this.

#5. "It feels safer and more comfortable doing what I'm used to"

Like #3, this is one of those unsaid excuses we only tell ourselves, and that is just eerily close to its origin in fear, insecurity, and low confidence/self-esteem.

Look... :

The biggest risk is to bet your entire life on fear-based habits and instant gratification.

We're here once. No reasonable basis for thinking otherwise. So let's establish all the confidence we need. Let's not waste our only chance by letting fear and insecurity get in the way.

Let's stop coming up with dumb excuses for giving up on our true goals.

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stupid-Excuses-for-Giving-Up&id=9762780

How Action Reduces Fear

Action reduces fear, so act.

Truth be told, this neat little quote isn't my own. It's one that I came upon while reading a summary of David Schwartz' classic "The Magic of Thinking Big". But it stuck with me.

For someone plagued by low confidence and self-esteem, the idea that action reduces fear could very well seem counter-intuitive. Because often, it's when we need to take action on something - especially something important - that fear arises.

There's the fear that we'll mess something up, and that, as a result, people will judge us and ridicule us. But there's also the fear that we might successfully carry through with our endeavor and advance to a higher level. - We'd have expectations coming at us from all sides! And responsibilities!

Whether it's one or both, or some other fear, fear associated with taking action is definitely real. So, why would anyone claim that action reduces fear?

To find the answer, take a moment to think about another topic that seems to cause non-fidents a lot of pain: Over-thinking.

We've all been there. Stuck with a seemingly unsolvable choice, entirely unable to weigh out the pros and cons. Or, having done just that, unable to make a decision because either option seems just as good - or bad - as the other.

No-one's exactly a fan, that's for sure. But still, as it is said in the personal coaching world, there's always a pay-off.

You see, over-thinking is, deep down, a defense mechanism. When we over-think something, it's because of exactly those aforementioned fears.

No-one likes over-thinking. But it still feels way less uncomfortable than having to make a tough decision or do something that makes you feel exposed and put on the line.

Over-thinking, then, is the antithesis to the action that it prevents. The two cannot co-exist. It's either one, or the other.

Sometimes, the over-thinking wins, and we end up doing nothing at all. That's when we really give in to our doubts and fears.

And so, it's when we stop thinking and just do it that action reduces fear.

Action reduces fear, because when we act, we only do it because we've sufficiently silenced that fearsome part of our brains telling us to abort and run away. Like I said, the two cannot co-exist.

"But doesn't that mean that I'd have to compromise my thinking if I want to get things done? What if I, like, really treasure my thinking?"

Sounds like a defense mechanism to me.

No, seriously, it does. But I DO get where you're coming from. I was there.

The thing is, thinking isn't necessarily good for us altogether. Thinking isn't a means to an end. We have more thoughts every day than can be measured, and that's not exactly beneficial.

On the contrary, many a study have been done on how meditation helps us by training us to simply observe our thoughts and stay focused on the ones that matter, rather than blowing the insignificant ones out of proportion.*

Also, after we've done whatever frightening actions we're doing, we can evaluate ourselves and get better at it the next time. And, of course, we want to start out by taking babysteps. This goes for whatever we're doing. Some people even get help from a confidence coach. (Something I obviously highly recommend doing.)

Bottom line: If you're feeling anxious about doing something, it probably means it's important, and you should do it. And really, there are lots of ways to go about your challenges safely and securely. But only the action reduces fear. And, as another quote from the initially mentioned summary goes: Nothing happens just by thinking.

Yes, it's scary. Do it anyway.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Action-Reduces-Fear&id=9823695