Getting What You Want and Need In Relationships

There is a saying I love I heard years ago which I believe is an Al-Anon slogan:

DON'T GO TO THE HARDWARE STORE FOR BREAD

I say it to my clients on a regular basis when they are trying to find love in all the wrong places. I thought it would make the basis for a good article so I will expand upon it here. Hopefully, you will recognize where you are 'going to the hardware store for bread', the reasons why you keep doing that, and then lastly, will gather some new tools for going straight to the 'emotional bakery' when it's 'bread' you're needing.

Let me give you an example of how this works:

A client of mine (let's call her Sue) has a really difficult relationship with her mother. Sue is quiet, introverted and soft-spoken and extremely thoughtful. Her mother, on the other hand, is loud, extroverted, and blunt when she speaks- so blunt in fact, that she often makes others cry with her harsh words.

Sue and I have been working together for two years and she has made great strides in coming to terms with the fact that her mother is not the soft, warm and fuzzy kind that she had hoped for and that she doesn't get the nurturing she wants from her. For the past year, she has done a lot of grieving over the fact that she and her mother are not good "matches" in terms of personality. I used the 'hardware store/bread' analogy with Sue and she really liked it and has used it a lot lately.

In this case, Sue wants and seeks warmth and nurturing ("bread"), and yet she keeps going to the 'hardware store' to buy it. In this scenario, Sue's mother is the 'hardware store'. When Sue tells me another story of trying to get nurturing from her mother I gently ask, "Which store did you go to this time?" She often smiles in quick recognition and answers, "The hardware store". I usually respond with something like, "That's funny- I thought you were shopping for bread, not nails... "

It's not that Sue is lacking in intelligence, nor common sense. It's just that she can't get her emotional needs met from someone who is supposedly in a position to meet them (in this case, her mother). This is the case for many of us who come from dysfunctional families. Oftentimes, one or both parents are unable to meet our emotional needs. This can cause much bigger problems later on when we become adults and start dating. In Sue's case, she picked a partner who was harsh and critical towards her; just like her mother. Although what she wanted and needed was softness, kindness, and nurturing, she instead went with what felt 'familiar' when choosing a partner- someone harsh and critical. Even though she didn't like being treated that way, because it was a family pattern and was familiar, it felt 'like home' to be with someone who treated her like her mother did.

For Sue, even though she loved everything she experienced when she walked into a bakery- the warmth coming from the ovens, the delicious smell of baking bread, the sight of fresh new loaves right out of the oven, and the taste of freshly baked bread- metaphorically speaking, it wasn't the first place she stepped into when she was hungry. You see, growing up in Sue's family was like living in a hardware store- no warmth, no alluring smells to tempt the palate- just rows and rows of screws and nails and power tools. Let's face it- a hardware store is a great place to go when your toilet needs fixing and they have just the part that will make it stop making that non-stop swishing sound... But when it comes to finding a warm and loving pair of arms to wrap around you when you're having a bad day, it will always come up short.

Another reason Sue entered therapy was because she recognized a long-held pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men and was sick of it. She wanted to figure out why she kept meeting 'the same guy' over and over again; even though hair colour varied from man to man- all of these men had one major thing in common- they were emotionally unavailable and cold. As you're reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, "I've figured out the riddle for Sue's pattern!" and are eagerly waving your hand in the air hoping that the teacher picks YOU to shout out the answer...

Well, here's the answer you most probably figured out already:

When Sue was able to make the connection in therapy between the kind of men she kept picking to be in relationships with, and the pattern she experienced throughout her lifetime with her own mother, a big light bulb went off inside her head where she experienced a life-changing "aha moment". For the first time in her adult life, she was able to make sense of a confounding pattern she found herself repeating, even though she was totally aware that it was not helping her.

Sadly for Sue, she had learned from her experiences in her family-of-origin to go looking for bread at the hardware store. In Sue's case, it was her mother who became the proverbial 'hardware store' who could never supply her with the love, warmth, and affection she craved and needed. Metaphorically speaking, Sue didn't even know there was such a thing as a 'bakery' and that she could go there in the first place when she needed some 'bread'.

The next part of Sue's journey was to familiarize herself with the concept of a 'bakery' when it came to other people- her starting point was to learn that there actually were people out there (including datable men her age) who were warm, compassionate, and nurturing. For this phase of therapy, I often invite clients to conjure up positive memories of people they have known in the past or present who exhibit the qualities they are seeking in a mate. This task was very emotional for Sue as she immediately recognized that all four of her grandparents had showered her with warmth, tenderness, and nurturing when she was growing up. I asked her to expand on these memories by telling me stories of when she experienced this warmth and nurturing from them and she had so many that she decided to continue when she got home by writing down as many of these memories as she could.

She came back to our next session and excitedly read me story after story of receiving 'countless loaves of bread' from 'real bakeries' she had visited as a child. She increasingly came to realize that while her mother had been, and still was, a 'hardware store' for her emotionally; that she had experienced FOUR emotional 'bakeries' with her grandparents and had therefore been shown what she should be looking for in relationships with men in her life today.

She has also done a lot of work grieving the loss of getting the love and nurturing she always wanted from her mother, and is slowly coming to peace with whom her mother is and what she can and cannot give her. In fact, she has even developed an appreciation for 'hardware stores' through knowing her mother and finds they can be very useful when you need to make a business decision or when choosing paint colours and goes to her mother for this sort of concrete advice. But when it comes to choosing whom to date, she is now relying on the memories and felt experience of being loved and nurtured by her grandparents. In fact, she's even gone on a couple of dates with men who can bake!

https://ezinearticles.com/?Getting-What-You-Want-and-Need-In-Relationships&id=9696141

What Does Happiness Actually Mean?

Intuitively, happiness is a feeling we get that we associate with having joy, abundance and peace.

It's the opposite of feeling depressed, gloomy or sad. Being happy is something that people will generally consider good while being sad is not so great.

But there are degrees of happiness and different people feel it in different ways.

A perfect example of this comes from the TV drama show called Everybody Loves Raymond.

The parents of Raymond were constantly fighting. Everyone believed they hated each other.

But in one particular episode, it was revealed that their behavior towards each other is how they are happy. The back and forth digs that they give each other is actually affection in their eyes.

While I personally believe that fights are just a low-consciousness way of shaking the boring, monotonous, dull routine up and spike some emotions in a relationship, there may be some truth about the fact that happiness is driven from within instead of without.

There are those who are not very good at showing emotion or those who are excellent at hiding their true feelings. They could be super excited and yet give no expression to show for it.

It's hard to read these people.

It's hard to predict their contradictory behaviors.

It's hard to know when it is the best time to bring up certain topics of conversation to them.

Then, there are people who go overboard and show excessive happy emotions. They become too cheerful and positive to a point that is kind of annoying.

To many, these people seem almost unreal as no one can be that happy all the time. They are so perky that it is hard to take them seriously. Sometimes, you may even think they are faking happiness.

Wikipedia defines happiness as "a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy."

Even this definition allows for varying degrees of happiness.

The point is, there is no right answer as to what happiness means to any person just as there is no one definition on how it should be expressed. It is as personal as any other emotion.

Most people will agree that when it does occur, happiness makes you feel good. It is something that people try to continue for as long as possible, even though it is not possible for it to go on indefinitely.

The fact of life is that you will reach a certain point or event that changes your emotions and you will lose the great feeling of happiness.

Anyhow, generally you do want to maximize the good feelings of happiness whenever it is possible, for as long as you ca because happiness has been shown to be better for your overall health.

Doctors have long believed that patients that maintain a positive, upbeat and happy outlook during serious medical conditions have a much better chance of recovery than people who are gloomy about their prospects.

Whatever your personal definition of happiness is, go live it, experience it and thrive with it today!

http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Does-Happiness-Actually-Mean?&id=9531526

How to Read Between the Lines With a Man (By Precious Hughes)

Society uses the film industry, the arts and media to reference how a man should act in a relationship. The problem with this is that we don't appreciate the man in front of us.

We tend to place importance on our ego, pride and social status, for example our man must:

- Provide expensive and frequent restaurant dates, surprises and thrilling events.

- Pay for everything including luxury brands (he is the man after all).

- Have a hot body and maintain it.

- Hold high social status and have a respected job title.

- Pick me over the boys and all of his other interests (going the extra mile for my needs).

- Send me romantic texts and always provide romantic gestures (flowers, chocolates etc).

- Act like other guys I admire

- Do what I want or hit the highway.

In addition to this, women are often advised to be cold and suppress their compassion, honesty and kindness. Treat them mean and they will stay keen.

If you are expecting the above from your man then you are not in a love based relationship. You are building a relationship based upon external things rather than what his heart can give you.

How can any relationship survive or blossom with a foundation based on selfishness, greed and dishonesty!

Build a relationship with the person he is on the inside and not what he can be changed into or because of his social status. Once this is done then you will see that list change into something money cannot buy. Growing with the man that could be your Mr Right.

So how do you know if your man is the real deal? The real mans affections are shown in different ways and I have listed some of them below:

- He shows you that he is thinking about you by an unexpected text or unscheduled call.

- He always asks for your opinion in any matter because he respects you and wants you to feel secure with him, not dominated but both have equal importance in the relationship.

- He opens up to you with his fears, concerns or personal circumstances that are challenging to him. It takes so much for a man to fully open up to a woman and be completely vulnerable so when he does be there for him as this is his way of showing you that he trusts you.

- He shows his affection by kissing you, giving you hugs, holding your hand, brushing past your hand (some men do not feel comfortable showing their affection in public), gazing into your eyes, putting their hand on your back (showing you affection and protection), he runs his fingers through your hair and any other gentle gestures.

- He listens to your fears, concerns, challenging circumstances, insecurities etc because he wants to love them away. He cares about you and wants to help you feel secure or to tell you the truth of how beautiful you are inside out.

- He helps with any struggles (domestic or personal) because he loves you not because it is his duty. This is commonly missed!

- He compliments you unexpectedly, showing you that he appreciates you and treasures you. He is here to help you develop into the woman you want to be. He will build you up (never criticize you or make you feel less).

- He gives you meaningful gifts with the value awarded by its sentiment rather than price, showing you that he was listening.

- He encourages you to attend classes, reach for your dreams and be the better you through his love, kind words and showing you that support that then makes you feel like you can soar.

- He makes time to see you, purely because he wants to rather than because it is his duty.

- He thinks ahead and completes the task at hand, this shows that again he loves you and you are not alone because he is there with you.

These were just a few examples of the ways men try to show us women that they love and care for us. We need to start paying attention to the details. If we do we will then see that he is really trying.

If you are currently single, please try to forget the old expectations you had for a man. Throw away the film industry's expectation of how the film portrays a man and go for a man you truly connect with spiritually. Get to know his dreams, his passions, his hobbies, and his life story and you will find your Mr.Right. Learn to be vulnerable with him. Always be honest with him and help him let his guard down. Break away from the social rules i.e. you can't call or text back straight away as you do not want to come across as too eager.

It is time for peoples souls to connect. Modern rules and expectations surrounding dating are preventing people from knowing who the other truly is. You cannot treat something that could be so beautiful as a mastermind game. He may not turn up right away but if you focus on a mans characteristics and the principles over reputation or social status you will find true love. It really does exist.

Xo Love and Light oX

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Read-Between-the-Lines-With-a-Man&id=9342036

Relationship Qualities - What Are the Most Important Qualities Needed in a Relationship?

It is easy to set a standard for our ideal partner but, we can never tell how the quality of our relationship is going to be unless until we're already on the boat and have sailed far. We can, however, tell the qualities of a good relationship that each and every one of us must set as a goal to achieve.

1. Both share a common goal and set of principles

A common goal and principles is the most important foundation in a relationship to keep it strong and make it last. Having the same set of principles reduces, if not eliminates, the occurrence of unnecessary conflicts that could ruin the relationship; while working together towards one common goal strengthens it by constantly communicating and spending time with each other. It is like sharing the same mind in two separate bodies and relationships like this are almost always unbreakable.

2. There is constant respect and affection

In most relationships, respect and affection slowly diminish as time flies. That should not be. Respect and affection towards each other is supposed to grow as the relationship gets older. This is a very important ingredient in keeping the relationship healthy and harmonious. The loss of respect and affection can eventually lead to a disaster that will soon end the relationship.

3. Both accept each other's weaknesses and differences

There is no one person who is completely similar to another. There is always this one characteristic that makes each person unique. Similarly, there is no one person who acquires only the good qualities and none of the bad. Every person is created imperfectly so each could find another to fill in those imperfections, and together they can both be perfect. Unless we understand that, it will be hard for us to accept imperfections and easy to give up because of irremediable differences.

4. There is complete honesty and loyalty

A common source of conflict in every relationship is the absence of honesty and loyalty. Lying and cheating are almost always the culprit in marital wars, breakups, and divorces. It takes a strong sense of moral value and standard to stay honest and loyal to a relationship. While there is no guaranteed effective way in keeping honesty and loyalty in a relationship, it can be avoided by partnering with someone who completely knows your worth from the start.

5. Both help each other grow

The best quality of a relationship is something that helps both parties grow into better individuals. If all of the four qualities above are present in a relationship, this can certainly be the direct result. To grow for the better in a relationship is, perhaps, what we should all be looking for.

According to a recent study, a good relationship is the secret to a happy and healthy life. Our success, or failure, is based mainly on how good or bad our relationships are. People reach out to people in times of need and trouble just as we reach out to others in times of joy and triumph. The quality of our relationships starts within ourselves - our choice of values and habits. Thus, if we want good relationships, let us first have a good set of moral values and character.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Relationship-Qualities---What-Are-the-Most-Important-Qualities-Needed-in-a-Relationship?&id=9431866

The Words That Can Make Your Relationship

Sharing doesn't diminish your happiness. It amplifies it.

And did you get what
You wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved,
To feel myself beloved on the earth.

— Raymond Carver, “Late Fragment”

Source: Aspen Photo/Shutterstock

On characteristic that sets blue-ribbon relationships apart from the rest is the tendency for both partners to live in a state of appreciation for all the ways they enhance each other’s lives. They live with an attitude of gratitude that prompts them to continually seek ways to make each other’s lives easier, more pleasurable, more enriched, and more fun. They do this through various acts of assistance and support, spontaneously offering words of acknowledgment, kindness, and affection, as well as small gestures and physical touch that say, “I love you." In a variety of imaginative ways, they show up, remain present, notice the tiniest things, and are generous of spirit.

They know better than to take things for granted.

Even couples who have been together for 50 years or more still deserve to hear the words, “Thank you," when they do something that enhances their home or relationship. And contrary to pop culture, love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry. Partners in successful couples know, in fact, that when you love someone, you can’t help but say “I’m sorry” when you do or say something, intentionally or inadvertently, that causes them pain or distress. They notice and express appreciation for even the smallest actions because they never take their relationship for granted.

The word appreciation, of course, has two meanings—“thankful recognition” and “an increase in value." When things appreciate, they grow in value. Partners in loving relationships embody both meanings because they not only deploy expressions of thankful recognition, but, through those expressions, they increase the value of their relationship.

By taking advantage of the countless opportunities that present themselves on a daily basis to offer sincere gratitude through our words and behavior, we do more to enhance each other’s mutual well-being than giving each other anything that money can buy—literally.

Many of the people we’ve known and worked with who offer words and acts that embody a generosity of spirit weren’t always this way. They’ve learned from experience that what goes around, comes around. We refer to this understanding as enlightened self interest, or the recognition that when I do something that is intended to enhance the well-being of another, my own well-being is correspondingly enhanced. When two people in a relationship share this understanding, a positive cycle of reciprocal generosity is created, generating its own momentum and becoming self-perpetuating.

A lot of us grew up in families in which expressions of warm feelings towards others were inhibited or infrequent. Words of appreciation, acts of kindness, and other forms of support were rarely, if ever seen. Yet even if we hardly ever witnessed or received these affirmations as children, we can break the pattern of withholding and cultivate a spirit of generosity that promotes a greater willingness to share such feelings openly and spontaneously. Old habits can be broken and replaced by new ones, particularly when your intention and motivation to do so is strong.

Many of us experience feelings of gratitude and appreciation toward others more frequently than we express them. When we fail to share those feelings with the people toward whom we feel them, the feelings fade and become lost in the myriad of thoughts that constantly compete for attention in our mind. In experiencing these feelings, oursense of well-being and happiness is enriched, but an opportunity to enhance the quality of another’s well-being is lost when we fail to share our appreciation with them.

The gift of gratitude does not diminish our own happiness; it amplifies it. The more we give it away, the more we possess. Don’t take our word for it: Try it out and see for yourself. What have you got to lose?

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201511/the-words-can-make-your-relationship

Do You Want to Stop Seeking Approval?

6 tips to help overcome your addiction to approval seeking 

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep." ~ Vernon Howard

Sometimes things are the opposite to how they appear.

Not long ago, the archetypal 'rebellious' teenager sat across from me. Jason wore the conformist non-conformist off-the-peg disaffected youth uniform: the kind of low-slung jeans that makes running for a bus resemble the sack race from a pre-teen sports day. His defiant stare dared me to say something he could find stupid.

His mother had brought him to see me in an attempt to 'make him more pleasant'. And Jason did admit to sometimes upsetting his parents deliberately. He'd stumbled into the well-trodden adolescent role of finding everything wanting, 'lame'. Contempt for reality outside of himself or his friends had become his default setting. It didn't matter what I said or did; he was determined to - and here's the crux - not just be, but seem, unimpressed.

I'm not sure I helped that young guy (or his mother) as much as hopefully time and experience (sometimes the best therapy a person can have) will, but it occurred to me that constantly seeking disapproval - being rebellious for the sake of it - is, in essence, just the other side of the coin from craving continuous positive approval. The common denominator is still an over-preoccupation with imagining what people are thinking about you and trying to control their perceptions of you.

In sharp contrast to Jason, Susan seemed blighted by a constant need for positive approval. She was easier to help because she wanted to please me by getting better; eventually she told me, only half-jokingly, that she didn't give a damn whether I was pleased with her progress or not - at which point, we knew she'd made plenty.

So what's wrong with wanting to please others?

Seeking approval whilst compromising yourself

Nothing, up to a point; approval seeking is only a real problem if you feel as though positive approval from others is the very oxygen that keeps you alive. Susan actually said she felt like she'd almost 'die' if people thought badly of her.

She'd felt rejected by her parents, particularly her mother; yet I could tell she was keen that I didn't think her a 'bad person' when she spoke semi-critically of her mom, who had, it seemed, only very conditional regard for Susan. Unless Susan was how her mother wanted her to be at all times, affection was withdrawn. In this way, Susan had been conditioned as a young girl to feel that approval was vital at all times.

Susan's father went along with her mother, but she felt, deep down, that his love for her was 'at heart, unconditional'. The problem was that now, as a thirty-seven-year-old woman, Susan felt that anything she did or even thought only had any 'validity' if it was 'the right thing' to say and think. I asked her what she meant by 'right' and, after a long pause, she admitted she didn't really know - that perhaps it was what other people thought was 'right'.

Reliance on approval seeking leaves you open to abuse

One grave problem with chronic approval seeking is that it leaves you vulnerable to being manipulated by others. People pick up that you're anxious to please them, that your main priority is that 'everything be okay'. For example, Susan found that a particular co-worker would go into silent moods and look disapprovingly at Susan, but this woman didn't seem to respond to other people like that. Somehow, she'd picked up that Susan cared too much and used this knowledge to psychologically control Susan. Susan admitted that she only cared about doing a good job so that other people would be pleased.

The sleeping man and the snake

Another problem with being too eager to gain approval is that it can get in the way of actually being effective in a situation.

I'm reminded of the story of a man who fell asleep under a tree. As he slept, a venomous snake slithered into his open mouth. Another man, seeing this situation, immediately pounced upon the sleeper and beat his back, held him upside down, and generally seemed (from a superficial perspective) to be abusing him. The man who had no idea he'd swallowed a snake complained bitterly, thinking the other guy was deranged. Eventually, the snake was dislodged and tumbled out of the first man's mouth. He was saved and in that instant knew the 'attacker' had really been seeking to save him, not seeking his approval (1). It's important to remember that the needs of the situation sometimes far exceed the needs for instant approval.

The fact is that some approval seeking is probably inevitable. It makes sense to 'fit in' with other people and even Jason (our less than affable teenager) was, by his own account, keen to maintain strong social bonds with his friends. He cared that they had a good impression of him.

But if we are led through life always and only really doing and being what we've come to believe is 'expected of us', then, in a way, we cease to exist, to live, and be real. So how can you start to care less about gaining other people's approval?  I want to offer a few pointers for being less bound by approval (or disapproval) seeking.

1) Practice saying what you think

Not always, of course, but why should it always be you who has to 'tread carefully'? Start practicing speaking your mind a little more and let the 'consequences' sort themselves out. What you'll find is that most of the time no one is offended at all - and, as long as you don't set out to hurt others, if they are upset it's only because you've started behaving in a way that lets them feel they have less 'power' over you.

2) Practice pleasing yourself

Constantly seeking approval means we're perpetually worried that others are forming a bad opinion of us. We come to feel vulnerable and prey to whether other people are pleased with us or not. This steals the fun, creativity, and spontaneity from life.

Make a point of doing stuff now and then purely because you want to. This is not being selfish; it's letting other people know that you're a multi-dimensional person with your own tastes, ideas, and enthusiasms.

3) Remember you can't control what others think, anyway

Anxiously seeking approval is often an attempt at trying to gain and keep a sense of control. If we can just make people 'happy' by being what we imagine they want us to be, then we won't be rejected or abandoned. That's the common assumption; but does it work?

Well, people like 'nice' people, for sure; but, paradoxically, trying to be all things to all people can make us less appreciated, because people are generally drawn to an aura of self-confidence. So remind yourself regularly that you can influence other people's perception of you some of the time, but you can't control it. People tend to think what they'll think.

4) Remember that sometimes 'doing the right thing' means appearing not to

If you had lived in Nazi Germany as a non-Jewish blond-haired blue-eyed person, to seek approval from people around you (the ruling Nazi party) you would have to have done and believed some monstrous things. Peer pressure can make us go against what we truly know to be decent and civilized behaviour. Was it decent and civilized of the helping man in the story to beat the snake out of the sleeping man?

Pack mentality can work on any scale. The 'leader' decides what is 'right and wrong', and the followers sometimes comply to impress the leader and others or because they are afraid of the consequences if they don't. This is obvious in a huge cult like Nazi Germany or in lesser cults, but it happens much more in day-to-day life than many of us realize.

Focus on what you believe to be right in situations, rather than what peer pressure may lead you to do. Be your own person.

5) Don't assume people make black or white assessments of you

I've noticed that people who are overly concerned with approval assume that I and others will think them 'a terrible person' or 'a loser' if they say or do something that isn't somehow right. But most people don't make heavily judgemental decisions about other people based on a few words or even actions. Constantly worrying that someone else is inwardly going to condemn you as an 'awful person' is over-estimating the 'black or whiteness' of other people's perceptions of you.

I might sometimes be baffled or surprised (or assume I have misunderstood them) when someone says or does something, but I rarely conclude: "She/he is a terrible person!" As we know, generally good people can do bad things. If you're around people who do make blanket, negative, and premature assessments of you based on a few words or actions, then you need to remember that is all about them - not you.

6) Don't play the game of disapproval

Some people use disapproval as a weapon. If you've had what amounts to a phobia of disapproval, then such people will scare and therefore control you if you play their games. Seeing reality through a narrow and prejudiced lens of 'does this please or displease me?' makes people pretty tyrannical. People who are quick to disapprove (even if they just imply disapproval) can make you on edge, to say the least.

Focus on what you think and want. If someone seems to disapprove, call them out on it. Ask them what their problem is. As weird as it sounds, you have every right to disapprove of their disapproval!

Ultimately, disapproval fails to deliver what it threatens. When the 'bomb drops', you learn there is no bomb. When you let people disapprove of you if they want and cease to worry, a whole new world of personal possibility opens before you.

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/stop-seeking-approval/

Put Yourself First (And Success Will Follow)

Many people teach the concept of self-love. In fact, the entire genre of self-help is built upon the importance of really learning to love yourself.

Our society consumes self-help advice, in various forms (books, online, in audio format) in record numbers. That makes sense: deep down we all want the same thing — to be feel happy, cared for and loved.

Most of us probably "get" that these feelings ought to come from within first. But with all the stresses of work, relationships and other areas of our lives, we nevertheless can find ourselves thinking and saying things like, "Yeah, I get it. I need to care for myself. But I'm busy now," or "I'll work on self-love right after I drop the kids at school, finish my work, make dinner and pay the bills."

Right? Unfortunately, we may find ourselves not thinking about self-love again until the next book, seminar, or edition of Super Soul Sunday. In the meantime we go about our lives trying to be successful, believing each installment of success will lead us closer to happiness.

But self-love and success aren't two concepts at all ...

As children, we learned what it took to get concrete expressions of love — praise, extra affection and so on. In many cases that meant doing something "good." We crawled and got attention, we smiled and got a kiss, we walked and talked and won the spelling bee and the love came pouring. Subconsciously, we learned that love came from doing and that's why we are so darn good at doing things.

The entire time we're doing all the things that comprise "real life," we're seeking to be loved on some level. With the innocence of the little child that lives in us all, we ask again and again through our actions, "Now do I deserve love?" "Am I worthy?" Only we often can't hear it because we're so busy doing the next "great thing" and calling it self-improvement.

When we ask ourselves to make a bold step in life, what we're really saying to the child inside is, "Trust me …" But without building a strong foundation of self-love first, we have no solid trust to make the changes it takes to grow into who we want to be tomorrow. Self-love is the tool that allows the vulnerable child within in us all to trust ourselves enough to begin the process of reprogramming the rules we were taught as children.

Unless we can accept that we are worthy of self-love, unconditionally, starting right now, we will not have strong enough trust to take personal risks that will allow us to do what we really want to achieve. We may think we are marching toward "success," but sometimes what we might understand as success (a high-powered, high-paying job, say) isn't what is best for our development. We may not be helping ourselves grow into who we hope to be tomorrow.

This is a really hard step. For some of us it might be easier to jump out the back of an airplane. Self-love is incredibly difficult to practice. And that's OK to admit. The very practice of self-love is about acceptance. It's about understanding that the first step to growth is grabbing hold of our current condition by the cheeks (the way our annoying aunts used to do to us as kids) and saying, "I love you."

Self-love doesn't have to be a dramatic overnight shift. Like all journeys, it begins by making small steps in the direction you want to go. A quiet walk in the park when you are stressed. A moment of meditation or even just taking a few, deliberate breaths to begin the day. Some gentle yoga after a long day at work. A peaceful nap on a Sunday afternoon as you prepare for the week ahead.

This isn't about being who the experts say you should be; it's about being who you really are. Take the child inside of you by the hand today, and thank yourself for getting you to the place you are now. Then you'll already be on your way toward greater self-love.

Oh, and the next time the child in you asks, "Now do I deserve love?" you can answer, "Yes," as you take yourself by the hand, and walk in whatever direction you need to or want to. That will really look — and feel — like success.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16226/put-yourself-first-and-success-will-follow.html

What We Really Think of Public Displays of Affection

When we present ourselves to the world on social media sites, like Facebook, often it’s not just ourselves that we’re presenting, but our most important relationships as well. Many people’s Facebook profiles state their relationship status and even link to their partner’s profile. Photos of smiling, embracing couples are not uncommon as profile photos, and sometimes people leave loving messages on their partner’s Facebook pages.
You may wonder, Are these couples genuinely happy? And when you see these signs of couple-dom on social media, do you think, "How sweet!” or, “Enough already!”?
Some recent research has examined how happy couples present their relationships on social media—and what others think about these public displays of affection.

They’re happy …
To answer the first question: Are these happy couples for real? Yes.
Research has shown that those whose relationships are “Facebook official"—with both partners' profiles indicating that they're in a relationship—are more satisfied than those who choose not to report their love on Facebook¹. Satisfied couples are also more likely to use a couple photo for their main Facebook profile image², and to post couple photos and affectionate comments on their own and their partner’s timeline³. Those who are least satisfied with their relationships are the most likely to keep their intimate relationships private and not share them on social media³.
... and we know it ...
In a recent study, Lydia Emery and colleagues⁴ examined the Facebook profiles of coupled individuals, and in general, were able to accurately predict how satisfied couples were by examining their profiles, in particular due to the presence of couple photos and a coupled relationship status.
... but when they really show it?
So, what does everyone else think when confronted with these images of someone else’s happy relationship? It depends on how that happiness is displayed. In another study, Emery and colleagues⁴ created a series of fake Facebook profiles, varying the profile photograph (between a couple and an individual); relationship status (coupled status or no status); and how disclosing the status updates were. Participants viewed some profiles with lovey-dovey, highly disclosing status updates, such as “Pining away for Jordan…I just love you so much I can’t stand it!” Some profiles contained updates that were affectionate and disclosed information about the relationship, but were less personal (e.g., “I love my girlfriend :) ”). Still others consisted of updates unrelated to a relationship (e.g., “Phoneless for a bit, email me!”).
The researchers then asked college students about their impressions of these fake profiles. First, regarding profile photos, the students thought those depicting a couple, along with a coupled relationship status, were the most likable, and that those with a single photo but a coupled relationship status were the least likable. Perhaps the coupled individuals seemed warmer, and those who chose to focus on themselves in their profile photo despite being part of a couple were seen as cold or distant.
And what of those sickeningly sweet, highly-disclosing status updates? People perceived those couples as the most satisfied with their relationships, but also found them the least likable. Perhaps the subjects felt these updates were too personal, or inappropriate for social media, or that these couples were trying too hard to show off.
So those couples with constant Facebook PDA are happy, we all know it, but we don’t always like it when they show it.
These findings don’t mean that those who don’t want to highlight their relationship on Facebook are necessarily unhappy, but in general, showing off a relationship on Facebook is a habit that happier couples are more likely to engage in. And when thinking about how you should present your own relationship online, remember that an affectionate photo or simple loving post on Facebook can show your love to the world, but overdoing it could turn people off.


References
¹ Papp, L. M., Danielewicz, J., & Cayemberg, C. (2012). "Are we Facebook official?" Implications of dating partners' Facebook use and profiles for intimate relationship satisfaction. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15, 85-90.
² Saslow, L. R., Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Dubin, M. (2013). Can you see how happy we are? Facebook images and relationship satisfaction. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 4(4), 411-418. doi: 10.1177/1948550612460059
³ Seidman, G. & Havens, A. L.  (2014, May). Introversion, neuroticism, and relationship satisfaction predict Facebook activity pertaining to romantic relationships. Poster presented at the Association for Psychological Science Annual Conference, San Francisco, CA.
⁴ Emery, L. F., Muise, A., Alpert, E., & Le, B. (in press). Do we look happy? Perceptions of romantic relationship quality on Facebook. Personal Relationships

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201408/what-we-really-think-public-displays-affection
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