How To Let Go of Over-Responsibility

We tend to grasp onto what feels familiar, no matter how limiting or uncomfortable. If you're a sensitive person, you might be holding onto the belief that you're responsible for far more than is actually possible. It may feel incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to let go of responsibility.

Many of my clients complain of feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes resentful of the load they're carrying. Fortunately, even in the most challenging circumstances, it's possible to make changes that will lighten the load.

Here are some signs you might be dealing with over-responsibility:

Feeling responsible for Others' Feelings - How often do you walk around not only feeling others' feelings, but also feeling responsible for changing them?

Feeling Responsible for Others' Mistakes - Do you ever feel in some way responsible when a family member, partner, or friend, acts out in anger or other challenging ways?

Taking responsibility for Others' Problems - How often do you step into the role of "the only one" who can solve the problems of the family, office, social setting?

Feeling like you have to fix or save the world - Do you ever feel overly stressed about problems in the world, and responsible to fix things?

How to let go of over-responsibility:

Practice awareness. Become aware of all that you feel responsible for. Notice the difference between the different types of responsibilities you take on. Which ones feel heavy? Which ones feel light? Which ones feel right? Which ones trigger resentment? Which ones feel impossible?

Decide which responsibilities are truly yours. For example, these responsibilities will typically include do-able practices and actions related to your health, your mood, your mind, and certain aspects of your job, family, and social and global situations.

Get clear about responsibilities that are not truly yours. Other people's feelings, behavior, and problems...

Decide which responsibilities you'd like to let go. For example consider letting go of: Trying to fix someone's mood. Taking on too much. The belief that you're responsible for everything and everybody in your life. Feeling responsible for things you cannot control.

Ask for Help -- Asking for help can feel difficult for the overly-responsible person. However, it's crucial. Choose responsibilities to delegate or to share with another. Ask a family member, friend, or colleague for help. You might be surprised... people will often say YES.

Surrender overly-challenging or impossible responsibilities. On a piece of paper, draw a line down the center to form two columns. Label the left-hand column MINE, and write down responsibilities you know you can handle. Label the right-hand column UNIVERSE and write down responsibilities that aren't yours, or those that you struggle with. Imagine surrendering these responsibilities to a greater source of help and inspiration. Imagine the possibility of welcome solutions, and new forms of assistance.

Another way to do this is to write each overly-challenging/impossible responsibility on a small piece of paper. Place them in a box or jar labeled Universe. (or Surrender, or Source, or God, or Goddess... )

Use Meditation and Creative Visualization: Meditate on letting go of extra layers of responsibility and stress. See yourself able to easily let go of what's not yours to handle. Instead of engaging with each responsibility, allow your breath to assist the release. Envision yourself centered in your strength, knowing what's yours, and letting go of the rest.

Use EFT Tapping: EFT tapping is effective for helping to release stress and anxiety when you're feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities. Tapping helps to lower cortisol, and increases blood flow to the thinking part of the brain. This will help you deal more effectively with your challenges.

Let go, surrender, allow.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Let-Go-of-Over-Responsibility&id=9992312

When Tempted to Retreat, Prepare to Advance (by Steve Wickham)

I received two things recently: a frontal assault of the enemy, and the full support of the Lord.

The enemy attacked my mind, making me overwhelmed in busyness. I was stricken of heart, discouraged by a burden too heavy to carry. I seriously said the words of retreat; I fully intended to act. I even began to act.

And then something happened. God's Presence within me made me aware of something. I recognised the attack. I had not picked it up until then.

God said words to the effect, 'Do not shrink back - I will give you what you need. Don't retreat; advance.' And God did give me what I needed.

Suddenly I was impelled forward in my thinking. I called my wife and withdrew my control. I had previously told her, we must slow down; the pace is killing me (words to the effect). That had diminished the flame within her. I didn't see it at the time. But God gave me the vision. I called my wife, and said it was an attack, and that it would be wrong to slow down and stop. She simply agreed. She knew. And such is her wisdom, she waited.

What I learned again, in a fresh way, is the enemy of God is compelled to discourage us. He loves nothing more than for us to retreat, even quit. One thing the enemy doesn't count on, however, is the inimitable strength we get from God when we advance.

***

After we have been assailed by attack, and we have advanced in honour and obedience for our Lord, then, when things have steadied, it is time to gather ourselves. We are soldiers and the mire is heavy underfoot.

What do soldiers do when they are not being attacked? They prepare for the next attack - yes, they get ready and then they rest up.

Be battle ready.

http://ezinearticles.com/?When-Tempted-to-Retreat,-Prepare-to-Advance&id=9891547

How Do You Cope in a Crisis?

There are times when we may feel world-weary, overwhelmed and jaded. Something has gone wrong, or perhaps yet another crisis has occurred in our lives. It may be as a result of one specific incident, life has thrown us a curved ball. Or there may have been a sequence of disasters and now the final straw, something seemingly minor has landed and our resilience has folded.

How is it that some people seem able to take crises and testing times in their stride, whilst others really struggle to cope?

- There are people whose mindset always seems to anticipate setbacks and disaster. They can seem overly enthusiastic about catastrophizing situations, looking at the potential for rejection and misfortune with their 'what if' or shocked 'that could have happened' attitude. They speculate about things that haven't happened, the 'what if he'd fallen and broken his arm', or 'what if she'd let your secret out of the bag?' This mindset predisposes them to negativity, panic and a desire to be over-cautious, even though caution's not always the most helpful or effective approach.

- Having a more relaxed approach to life can mean that if something bad does happen or a situation doesn't work out as planned it doesn't have to spell crisis and failure. In fact, people who have a more positive, receptive approach to life and the difficulties they encounter are often more upbeat and not as easily deterred. They usually have a positive outlook and see beyond any immediate problems to find alternative ways of resolving things.

Setbacks, viewed from a different perspective, can reveal interesting options and may in part result in important lessons, insights and new opportunities. But we have to be receptive to the signs. When something doesn't work out as we'd hoped it may be that another unexpected door can be opened. I've certainly found that some of my 'great' ideas that crashed ultimately resulted in outcomes that I'd never have anticipated at the outset. But there had to be a preparedness to discuss and negotiate in order to reach that resolution.

- Remove 'I should, I ought, I must' from your mindset. The pressure of other people's hopes, expectations and disappointment can turn a setback into a crisis and seriously affect your ability to think clearly and move forward. Think through what's right for you, be clear about your own talents, abilities and interests and remember that successful people often work long hours and deal with setbacks because they are motivated and enthusiastic about their goal. Working to someone's agenda rarely carries the same passion.

- Crises can provide the people in your life with the previously unconsidered opportunity to step up and demonstrate their potential. Family, friends and perhaps even business colleagues may offer a valuable supply of strength, understanding and support when crises happen or things go wrong. Be big enough to share the load with them, they're your 'team'. Do them the courtesy of letting them in on your struggles and be prepared to accept their help when they are there for you. They often appreciate being included, and may be able to suggest some great ideas!

- Breaking down a crisis into 'bite-sized' chunks can be a useful approach. Then you can discover that it's unlikely that every aspect will be equally troublesome. By taking a step back from an 'insurmountable' problem it's often possible to scrutinize the various parts that combine to make it so serious and list each specific, individual element.

I find that there are often five 'chunks' to a serious problem. Chunk one, what you can deal with now; two, the part you need to do some work on before having to pass it on to someone else for their input; three, what's already in hand and being dealt with, four; what is finished with and can immediately be passed over to others; five, what you can do nothing about. Let go of what you can do nothing about and determine the best order to start dealing with the other matters that you can influence.

When you apply this calmer approach you may discover that you're less overwhelmed than you initially thought. This enables you to then start resolving parts of your crisis, reduce its intensity and so regain some semblance of control.

- In any crisis situation it's important to look after yourself too. Be committed to regular sleep times, eat as well as you can, stay clear of drowning your sorrows in booze, sugar binges or worse. Turn off your technology each evening and allow yourself some quiet time, as well as time for fun, friends and exercise.

Be genuinely interested in other people and what is going on in the outside world, away from yourself and your situation. These healthy distractions can stop you from becoming too self-absorbed and introspective and so become better able to cope in a crisis.

ezinearticles.com/?How-Do-You-Cope-in-a-Crisis?&id=9404987

A Law of Attraction Affirmation for When You Are Overwhelmed or Afraid

What do you do when all you can think of is the problem you need to solve? What do you do when the wheel of your worry seems to be powered by a rabid gerbil of fear? There he goes, running along, churning out more unease and feelings of helplessness. It is time to take back your power and change the direction of the flow.

Sounds great. Now how do you do that?

First, honor how you really feel. Pretending you are not scared does not work. Your body knows and there is no fooling it. You have to work through the fear and anxiety in order to clear it all away.

Admit that you are afraid or worried. Once you do that, understand that feeling something and being it are two different things. In other words, just because you are afraid does not mean that the situation is hopeless or that you cannot be empowered by your feelings.

You always, always have a choice in how you will respond to any situation. That is your super-power and it never goes away. No matter how bad things seem (and that is always a matter of perspective), you have the power to decide what meaning it does or does not have to you. You cannot choose how others feel or act, but you can control what plays in your own head.

Next, read these words aloud. (Or write your own version of an affirmation, whatever helps.) This can allow you to let go of the feeling of need so that you can change your focus to one of gratitude and expectation for a solution. This raises your vibration and can make you feel better too.

"I release my attachment to the outcome. I release my expectations. I release my suffering and allow myself to let go, falling into the arms of the greater truth. I trust the path, even when I am in pain or afraid.

I choose to trust when I am broken and when I am well. I choose to trust when it seems I will not have enough, as much as I do when my cup overflows. I chose in this moment, to focus on gratitude and remember all of the times when things could have gone wrong, but somehow went right instead.

This small situation is but a microcosm of time, space and perspective that will pass. The birds still sing. The fruit still hangs on the vine and the world still turns. Daylight chases shadow and the cosmos continues to expand.

No matter what happens, for me, this is but another lesson. I accept the lesson with a grateful heart and move on, secure in the knowledge that this is but an illusion that will one day fade. When that moment comes, when this mirage is over, I will understand every purpose, every pain and every reason that eludes me now. And so, I let go, trusting that all is and ever will be, well."

Now breathe and put your hand over the area above your heart. Then imagine the happiest memory that you have. No matter what it is, think of something joyful. You can also imagine how you will feel once you have the solution. Hold that thought, those feelings for at least thirty seconds. Really feel it. Rinse and repeat as needed.

http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Law-of-Attraction-Affirmation-for-When-You-Are-Overwhelmed-or-Afraid&id=9229074

Who Fills Your Success Plate?

I was thinking about the demands we place upon ourselves those others place on us. I noticed that some people have mountains of tasks before them and cheerfully and effectively plow through them without major disruptions to their lives. Others however find themselves overwhelmed and fall further and further behind in their lives.

What is the difference?

Some will automatically say the first group is simply more organized than the second. Some will say that the second doesn't have the skills to deal with it. Others will say that the first group is task oriented and the second is feeling oriented.

Some or all of these things may be true at any given time. But these don't explain the fact that ALL of us fit into both groups at some point or another in our lives. No one is forever focused and effective. No one is forever overwhelmed by life.

So what is the difference?

It boils down to one thing we believe. Motivation.

Not the rah-rah type. I am talking about the source of why these things must be done, the reason you take action. What is the motive for your behavior?

Is it internal or external? In other words, are you motivated by things you choose to be motivated about? Or are you motivated because you let someone or something else tell you that's why you should take action?

Are these things imposed upon us or do we create them because we have the desire to do them or have the results? Is your life controlled by you or by others? Whose goals are you working on? Yours or others? Motivation is entirely something you decide. You decide how you feel about something and whether or not it's important enough to act.

When you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with life's challenges, look at these challenges. The ones causing the most stress are almost always those imposed by others. These are external factors. Your challenges that are fun to do and effortless to tackle (no matter the difficulty or complexity) are almost always ones of your own choosing.

The key to being happy and productive in times like that is to simply fill your plate with your own projects or projects of your own choosing.

While this is not always 100% possible, it is a great goal to work toward.

A final thought here... When you are getting that overwhelmed feeling, examine what is before you and see what external things you can safely get rid of (without losing your job for instance).

You can always do more than someone else when your plate is filled by YOU and theirs is filled by someone else!

So, fill your success plate yourself as much as you can.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Who-Fills-Your-Success-Plate?&id=9480329

You Are an Empath?

"I'm an empath," said the person next to me at our regular group meeting.

"You are? How do you know?"

"I realised it after reading some articles that explained the behaviour of an empath person-and then my physician confirmed it."

"Can you give me a few more details?"

"As an empath, I'm easily overwhelmed by the stress and feelings of not only my loved ones but of everyone around me. I think I absorb other people's emotions because I have a really high level of sensitivity. But after a while, I feel exhausted and unhappy; I instantly lose my emotional balance and mental energy."

"Maybe you're just a highly sensitive person?"

"I don't think so; here's the definition of an empath: 'a sensitive person who easily experiences burnout.' Google defines burnout as 'physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.'"

"What causes it?"

"Spending too much time in life's fast lane. If we don't slow down, our mental and physical energy levels become overloaded, and we easily rush into a stressful state."

"Why do we let it happen?"

"Probably because of emotional pain and anxiety. We feel out of balance, as though we're never efficient enough. It's a terrible feeling, believe me."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Yeah-everyone has too much to do. The worst part about it is that we begin to lose our mental capacity, our memory and our ability to think rationally.

"That sounds scary."

"It is scary. When the mind doesn't work properly, the physical body suffers as well. Empathy is a state of chronic stress, and you know how harmful chronic stress is. It affects all your body's functions."

"Sounds like a path to self-destruction."

"Yeah. It is."

"I heard some very positive stuff about empaths... like they're people with "a good heart," who are very spiritual and sensitive. They're good listeners, and they're always there for you. If they're in a peaceful and loving environment, their bodies take on these characteristics and flourish. Is that true?"

"Probably yes-generally speaking. Some of us experience the world through intuition, which is important for the development of our 'gut feelings' about people. I feel that some people drain my energy; so as an empath, sometimes I need to be alone. Not always-but sometimes. That's my way of protecting myself from an emotional overload. On the other hand, as an empath, I want to try to relieve the pain of those around me, which is an impossible task. We're very complicated people, aren't we?"

"Not at all. To me, empaths are beautiful, sensitive and caring people who are ready to save the world. They suffer more than anyone can understand, which is really sad."

"Thanks. I appreciate you are saying that."

"Is there one strategy in particular, that's works well for empaths?"

"The first step is to acknowledge and to accept that we are empaths and to learn how to take care of ourselves in every situation. The next step is to make changes-to restore our core energy-with exercise, meditation and healthy food. It's important, too, to surround ourselves with supportive people. We also need to protect our sensitivities with strategies such as time management, and we have to learn to set limits and boundaries."

"Thanks for some good information."

http://ezinearticles.com/?You-Are-an-Empath?&id=9644700

Afraid to Say NO? Learn How This Is Impacting Your Business (By Chris Atley)

I have been enjoying a stay-cation this week! We had to switch gears from driving up the coast for a few days to staying home for Jude's All-star schedule - which is daily! I decided to focus on extra self-care, doing some fun things with the kids, and also some renovation projects! It's feels GREAT to tackle tolerations and free up energy!

Today we are headed to Mexico to help build a house for an underserved family in need. They literally have nothing, and we raised enough funds to build the house AND fully furnish it! I just know this is going to be an amazing experience for our family - getting out of our Solana Beach bubble will be huge - and I look forward to sharing this with you next week.

So what is behind this tiny little word? Well, most of us are people pleasers at heart. We don't want to offend anyone or hurt their feelings. This can be traced back to a deeper fear of not wanting to be alone - of not wanting to be "shunned" from the group. Essentially being unloved.

Who the heck wants that?!

We all have a deep desire to connect and be loved at a core level. We want to be accepted into the group, and so we don't always say how we feel and definitely avoid saying no.

So what ends up happening?

Well, we end up saying yes to whole sh*t ton of things we don't really want to be doing. We then get resentful and overwhelmed with everything we have going on.

In a weird way it almost proves we're unlovable - we're too busy and stressed to give anyone our best.

So how does this show-up in your business?

Well, if you don't like saying no and have a hard time with it, how are you going to accept it from someone else? It makes you feel terrible to say no, and you therefore don't want to feel the same when someone else tells you no.

If you can't say no then you won't make sales calls because you're afraid to hear no.

I had to dig out some really deep stuff around being told no in sales conversations. It related back to feeling abandoned after my Mom and Dad divorced when I was 4 -years old!! Nuts right?! But this stuff feels real. It leaves a mark, and as kids we're making some pretty important decisions about ourselves that are accepted into our minds unconsciously. The issue as adults is that our subconscious mind is the underlying operating system for all of the decisions we make. So if I decided when I was little that I was unlovable because people leave me, what kind of decisions do you think I'm making in life from that lens? Not great right?

The good news is that most of us also have a lot of empowered beliefs in there too. The heavy stuff doesn't tend to come to the surface and present itself as a potential block until we are really putting ourselves out there - like, ahem, running a business...

Not being able to say no shows-up in all levels of business. I just noticed this the other day with a woman who has achieved great success in her business. She is having trouble with sales - in terms of making sales and training a team. It came as no surprise that she has a hard time saying no to people. She is afraid of it, and it's therefore showing-up in her business too.

The subconscious can be sneaky - take a hard look at what you are feeling around saying no in both your personal and business life. All areas are connected, and where there's trouble in one area you can guarantee there's trouble with it in another area.

Here are some tips on saying no with grace and ease:

1. Create a sentence where you are clearly saying no thank-you. Use language that is clear and respectful.

2. Keep in mind most people are just looking for an answer from you and you don't need to justify why you're saying no. That is usually ourselves feeling like the need to justify it. We're again people pleasing and trying to avoid hurt feelings and being shunned form he group deep down.

3. Say your sentence and then pause. Count to 10 in your head if you need to. Allow the other person the space to respond. Again, most people are usually looking for an answer.

4. Get clear on your values and priorities, i.e. family, fun, finances, spirituality, etc. It will make saying no much easier to tasks that aren't in alignment with your values. For example, if family is one of you top values and you haven't spent a lot of time as a family lately, it's much easier to say no to one more birthday party invite.

5. Let others say no to you! Be the person you want others to be. Respect their decision. This applies again to both personal and business. In sales, your job in a sales conversation is to help people get to a "yes" or "no" decision. If they are in a lot of fear you can help them through that, but ultimately if they're telling you no you must listen. It's never a great fit with a client if you've talked them into your service anyway. It means you want it more for them they do (or see value in), and be prepared to let them go. This is a tough one to learn. It's helpful to know that you will always be shown more people to help by the universe.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Afraid-to-Say-NO?-Learn-How-This-Is-Impacting-Your-Business&id=9740616

Simple and Effective Ways to Increase Your Energy: Tao of Stress Management

All of us know what it feels like to be "run down". Whether it is from working too many hours, staying up too late, or feeling overwhelmed with too many things to do. When we are tired, we become less able to handle stress. In this low-energy state it is easy to become irritable and lose our optimism. Our tempers can become shorter, and our days seem intolerably long and difficult.

All of this happens when we don't generate, conserve, and efficiently use our energy.

When you feel energetic, on the other hand, you are naturally easy-going, optimistic, and things are more fun. When problems come your way, you can handle them because you have the energy and clarity to solve them quickly and effectively.

When we think of how to create more energy, we usually think about ways to increase energy -- exercise, "energy foods", and supplements. All of these can help. But, our results are limited if we continually use too much of our energy by doing things too fast or by overextending ourselves.

One of the most important keys to increasing energy is learning how to conserve it at the same time.

There are a few simple things you can do to ensure that you are using your energy wisely while constantly replenishing it. Pick one or two of the following recommendations and try them out for a week to see how they affect you.

* Create Ten To Fifteen Minutes For A Break Each Day

If you spend all day working, traveling around town, and generally doing things non-stop, your body becomes stressed trying to keep up with the constant demand. A brief fifteen minute break can do wonders to replenish and conserve your body's precious energy.

Find time in your day when you can have 15 minutes to yourself. Go into a small room, which can even be your own office. Close the door. Turn off the computer monitor, TV, lights, and other noisy, distracting things. Just sit quietly. It is OK to read a book you enjoy, or listen to some relaxing, soft music on your iPod. The idea is to have some "me" time where you aren't talking at all, and you're not thinking about much of anything. Just relax and be in the moment.

You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel when you incorporate something like this into your daily routine. 30 minutes for "Me" time is even better while at home.

* Take Two Things You Do Fast Every Day and Slow Them Down

Another way we tend to waste our energy and tire ourselves out is by doing everything so fast. We drive fast, eat fast, walk fast, and talk fast. Doing things in a hurry always creates tension and depletes your energy.

Find two things that are in your daily routine already, and do them very slowly. Some things you might decide to do more slowly include brushing your teeth, driving to work, and eating. Whatever you choose in your daily routine.

You may have to make a little extra time, but those few extra minutes will go a long way toward teaching you what it feels like to keep your energy more calm, relaxed, and stable. You will notice a big shift in your energy after just a few days.

* Do 10 Deep, Relaxed Breaths Each Day

Nothing relaxes the body more than deep breathing. We can live without food for weeks, without water for days, but we only have moments to live without breath. It is for this reason that breath is the absolute key to unlocking the deepest levels of contentment and relaxation the body can produce.

By tapping into this reserve of deep relaxation on a regular basis, we are literally building a storehouse of positive energy that naturally cascades into every aspect of our lives. Our entire physiology is shifted into a more restful, aware, and open state where things take less effort, and stressful events have less effect.

Here's how to do the deep breathing:

1. Before you lie down to sleep, sit on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor.

2. Place your hands in your lap, palms up.

3. Tilt your head down slightly, bringing your chin towards your chest. This is just so your neck stays straight and doesn't get tense.

4. Now just inhale very gently into your belly. Don't force it, and don't overdo it. As you inhale, just feel your belly gently and naturally expanding.

5. As soon as you reach the end of the inhale, where you feel a little bit of tension in your belly, release and gently exhale. On the exhale, count "10" to yourself.

6. Inhale again, as in step 4 above, then exhale and count "9".

7. Continue breathing gently and deeply in this way, and count all the way down to "1".

Do this every night before bed for 1 week, and see how you feel in the morning, and how your emotions and energy levels change.

Our energy levels depend on how we use our energy, not just on how we accumulate it. Enjoy Your Life and Have Energy Too!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Simple-and-Effective-Ways-to-Increase-Your-Energy:-Tao-of-Stress-Management&id=9543856

You Got Triggered, Now What? Reflections on Mindfully Moving Through a Stress Response (By Jennifer C Jackson)

I had just done the very thing I advise people not to do. I was all relaxed and ready for bed, but decided to check my email one last time. In truth, I had been having a tense online conversation, and was hoping to find a peaceful resolution in my in-box. Unfortunately, the opposite was true. Our miscommunication had taken an even worse turn and now there was a toxic blast waiting for me. Sure enough, I could feel my heart racing, my brainwaves moving faster, and stress hormones coursing through my body. Not what you want when preparing for sleep!

In the past this would have completely overwhelmed me. As my body moved into fight or flight, panic would have set in - both around the content of the email and the fact that my body had moved completely in the opposite direction of sleep right at bedtime. I would have felt like a helpless victim. Sleep would have been out of the question for that night and this one little incident could easily have started a two month bout of insomnia.

Now I can't say I was able to go right to bed after this and fall into a deep, peaceful sleep, but I did have strategies in place that helped me keep my power and perspective, and drastically shorten the effects.

In this case, the very first thing I did was laugh! What was I thinking checking my email like that when I knew a toxic nugget was a possibility? I had broken my own rule and now I was paying the price. Okay, so be it. I was clearly going to be awake for a bit, so it was time to make the best of the situation.

When my husband went to bed, I settled down on the couch, knowing I might be there for a while. I became very present with the physical stress symptoms. I tapped on my racing heart and mind and the stress hormones I could feel rushing through my body. I tapped and tapped until it became slightly less intense.

Next, I took this as an opportunity to grow and learn. What about this email had triggered me so badly? What part of this could I own? What could I do differently next time to avoid a miscommunication like this in the future? What lesson, gift, or gem might be buried in this situation? As I answered these questions in my journal, I tapped on the various responses. Finally around 1:00 a.m., I felt my body shift and knew I would be able to get some sleep. It was not my best night, but far better than it would have been in the past.

It took a few more days of deep inner work and tapping to fully mine the gem out of the situation -- and my sleep was off for a couple of nights as well. However, because I managed to stay present the whole time - both with my mind and with the effects on my body - I never felt out of control or helpless. I knew resolution would come one way or another and that my sleep would calm down as well.

After a time, the situation did resolve. It was not the way I would have originally chosen, but I know now it is the highest and best resolution for all concerned. And my sleep has been great!

http://ezinearticles.com/?You-Got-Triggered,-Now-What?-Reflections-on-Mindfully-Moving-Through-a-Stress-Response&id=9494500

Memory Loss: Just Stress or Is It More Serious?

We are entering a time where many people feel more stress and experience that their memory is becoming impaired. Our memory can get worse if we have high stress levels, cannot sleep well and feel overwhelmed all the time. Traumatic events can also cause memory loss. When we have high levels of stress or trauma, our cortisol (our stress hormone) levels change and adrenalin levels rise to give us more energy. This can cause fogginess in the brain and we can react irrationally. After a period of prolonged stress our adrenalin levels can drop down and we feel burned out on a physical and mental level, hence feeling mentally tired and not being able to think as fast as before.

When the brain has de-stressed and we feel more in control, our memory is often rejuvenated and we experience normal recall.

However, we have more and more clients in our office who feel that their memory levels have dropped significantly, their stress levels are not decreasing and would like to train their brain up to function optimally again.

One has to differentiate between stress-related memory loss and a more serious reason why memory is declining.

Here is a summary of some well-known illnesses that cause memory problems:

Alzheimer's: There are a number of symptoms related to Alzheimer's. The most common ones are that the person can:

• Be confused about time and space
• Have problems speaking or writing
• Lose things and forgetting what they have done with the items
• Have difficulty judging things accurately any more
• Show mood and personality changes, such as feeling depressed, angry, irritated and anxious.

Those symptoms start in a mild form initially and get more severe with time. Unlike several other chronic illnesses, the incidence of Alzheimer's is on the rise; recent research suggest that it has become the third leading cause of death, after cardiovascular disease and cancer.

Vascular Dementia: People show signs of memory loss after having had a major stroke, or one or more "silent" strokes, which can happen without them realizing it.

The symptoms depend on the part of the brain that's affected by the stroke.

In comparison to Alzheimer's, which starts with memory problems, vascular dementia often starts with poor judgment, not being able to plan or organize things well any more, and making poor decisions.

The symptoms of Vascular Dementia can include:

• Memory problems
• Trouble speaking and/or understanding speech
• Problems recognizing sights and sounds that used to be familiar
• Feeling confused, restless or agitated
• Changes in behavior and mood
• Problems walking and having frequent falls

It is important to understand why our memory declines and why it is necessary for your doctor to make a proper diagnosis. The good news is that science has advanced quite a lot and there are many different treatment and training options that can be used to improve your brain functioning and memory again.

A study conducted by Dr. Dale Bredesen of the UCLA Mary S. Easton Center for Alzheimer's disease Research and the Buck Institute for Research on Aging shows that: "A broader-based therapeutic approach, rather than a single drug that aims at a single target, may be feasible and potentially more effective for the treatment of cognitive decline due to Alzheimer's.

Cognitive decline is a major concern of the aging population and people who have high levels of stress in their lives. Alzheimer's affects approximately 30 million people globally. It is estimated that by 2050, without effective prevention and treatment, 160 million people globally would have the disease."

There are a number of different treatment options in helping you increase your memory. Your doctor will recommend medication that can help the brain to stabilize and prevent a decline in functioning if you suffer from a specific memory related illness. In addition, it is important to learn skills to increase your brain's functioning, such as memory techniques and emotional intelligence skills that change negative behaviors and thought patterns.

Counseling is necessary for people who have slipped into depression or anxiety due to their decline in functioning and negative changes in their lives. Your brain can be helped by taking supplements such as Omega 3, Gingko Bilbao, Vitamin C and Zink to increase your brain functioning. Make sure that you sleep enough as this can improve your memory greatly. In addition, guided meditation is another way to distress your brain and gain back your memory.

Finally, it is important to train your brain to function optimally again which can be achieved with neurofeedback/brain training where the areas in the brain that are not functioning optimally, are trained up again. Just like training your body at gym, you can train your brain - improving areas in the brain that are not working optimally. Luckily our brain has plasticity, which means it acts like a muscle that can be trained and changed to overcome negative functioning patterns.

So don't just think that your memory is bad due to age. We can train our brains and increase our memory, feel better and gain our confidence back when needing to recall facts, names, numbers or events. You are never too old to train your brain!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Memory-Loss:-Just-Stress-or-Is-It-More-Serious?&id=9433087

The Purposeful Action For Creating Good Vibes In Any Space (By Ruby Gangadharan)

Earlier this week, I did a video about how I was to romance my apartment but quickly realized this had so much juice that it deserved a further write-up.

Many of us don't think twice about our physical space. We consider the physical space as 'outside' of us; separate.

Deliberate Creators recognize everything is energy and we create our experience using the premise of 'Like attracts Like'. Which is to say; like magnets, we attract things that are a vibrational match to our energy.

I have always thrived on new experiences, new information and in being the first to test new paradigms. It's no wonder that I am drawing into my experience multiple changes to my life in the form of relocations. I recently had yet another relocation - so it's new apartment, new city, new culture and a new way of life.

The prospect of starting over though attractive is also a challenge than can send your head for a spin. The most obvious way your new reality presents itself is the physical spaces; house, building complex, office space, roads, shops, etc. And it's easy to get overwhelmed.

The physical space that you inhabit have a tremendous impact on your energy and vice versa. It is an extension of your vibrational energy. For me, it becomes extremely important since I work from home. So I decided to actively engage my skills at amping up the energy for my new surroundings.

What's my solution?

I am going to go romance the h#ll out of my apartment.

Yup, you read that right, I am engaging my romancing skills with every nook and corner of my new house. I want a love connection with my kitchen, my patio, my fireplace, my closet, my pantry...

It's a potent formula when you actively focus on feeling the connection with your physical space. Soon you start to feel comforted, protected and at peace. The space 'speaks to you'. And very often you will find that in this state of energy you draw inspiration and fuel creativity.

A lot of cultures have rituals and ceremonies that are specifically conducted when moving into new places or at the onset of occupying a new space. Housewarmings are popular in western cultures; where family and friends come together and bring laughter and warmth to the place. There are entire industries dedicated to the art of interior design, transforming a space to reflect energy that a person wants to feel. Many people will tell you to 'personalize your space'; it's all in the hopes of connecting to it.

Sure, if you live in a house long enough at some point it transforms into a space that gives you that familiar feeling. But I choose to actively participate in the process and CHOOSE the energy that the house will hold.

My house will become a home in no time!

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Purposeful-Action-For-Creating-Good-Vibes-In-Any-Space&id=9448977

A Simple Formula To Get Unstuck!

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by how much you have to do? Have you decided to procrastinate because you are at a loss of where to start? Have you ever been advised to map out how to reach your destination based on your why? Except you don't know what your why is? Have you ever been frustrated because you read or hear how well your colleagues are doing? You're happy for them but deep down you really care how you are doing.

If you are feeling overwhelmed with the amount you have to do, may I suggest this simple formula to get unstuck? Each day do three things:

1. Do one thing you really dislike doing.

2. Do one thing that you absolute love doing.

3. Do one thing that has a time limit attached to it.

This formula helps you feel that you're moving forward and gives you a sense of accomplishment. Pick the thing you dislike doing the most and do it first thing in the morning. You'll experience a wonderful sense of achievement when it's done. Next work on something that needs to get done within a certain time frame.

What do you need to do that has a time limit attached to it? Put intense focus on it. You'll be amazed at how intense focus gets it done faster. Don't believe me?. Have you ever crammed for exams? It's the same skill. See, you're already good at this.

Bravo! You're on a roll.

Consider this. What do you think happens when you spend time doing something you love? It revitalizes you! Doesn't it? It fills up your cup! It validates that you are taking care of yourself. Right? It also may get rid of resentment of looking after the needs of others.

What do you love to do? Are you a master at designing? Then make sure you design every day. I love reading and writing. When I fit it into my daily routine I feel energized.

This formula is simple. Try it! You've got nothing to lose. It's a great way to get 'unstuck'. Pat yourself on the back. Tell yourself that you are one step closer to reaching your goals. The number of things that you've put off will gradually decrease. You will feel energized because you have made time for yourself. You are keeping your commitments.

Do one thing at a time and eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. How does that make you feel? Amazing? Guess what - you are!

http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Simple-Formula-To-Get-Unstuck!&id=9380591

How The Perfect Storm Can Undermine Your Best Intentions (By Kit Cassingham)

Everyone loses energy and focus, at least at some point. Even me! Here's a recent example.

I found myself feeling a bit unproductive and unfocused, and a bit low-energy, recently. Pondering this unusual situation gave me the realization that I was feeling overwhelmed by a work project and anxious about a health situation. I love the work project, and at a conscious level I'm not distressed by the health situation. So, what's the deal there?

The perfect storm was brewing.

With work I am studying to make my new business angle more concise. Armed with loads of information from webinars, team calls, books, self-introspection, and lots of writing, I was ready to put it all together. I just didn't know where to start! Ah, yes... overwhelm.

Remembering the lesson I learned, and shared with you, about freezing Defrosting article myself with "I don't know", I knew I had to take action. So, I stopped, regrouped, and with baby steps started moving forward to implement all the things I knew and wanted to do. A sense of relief swept over me. My energy rose, closer to my normal high-energy level. My focus strengthened. As the relief and energy rose my good habits started returning too.

What? Bad habits had crept in? Things like munching on foods I'd put on my "don't eat list" for an experiment I was conducting. The rational-thinking was "Oh, that's no big deal. The food is OK. It's only my experiment that'll suffer, not my health." Well, maybe the foods themselves wouldn't hurt me, but the quantity wasn't doing me any good. I put a few pounds of my hard-lost weight back on. That's not good for my health, or my psyche! What's not good for my psyche isn't good for my energy.

OK. Information noted and recorded. New commitment to stick with my food experiment in place. Energy rising again. Weight holding.

Then came the day to drive five hours to a doctor's appointment for a second opinion on handling the health situation. No big deal. I love to drive. The weather was beautiful, the roads were in good condition, and I had interesting lectures to listen to along the way.

I was confident the second opinion would be positive. After all, I'd been doing some nutritional things to improve my situation and knew that would put me in an even better place than I had been before. I'm a healthy woman. All is well.

So, why did I buy a large-ish bag of Smartfood white cheddar cheese popcorn at my half-way point? Hhhhmmmm... I guess I was anxious. The food kept me entertained as I drove through the beautiful mountains and river canyon. More of that rational thinking interjected itself too: the whole bag is only 800 calories, so if I don't eat anything beyond the protein drink breakfast and a dinner salad, my daily calorie intake will be fine. I stopped four-fifths of the way through the bag, saving calories! Yeah, right.

The appointment went fine, as anticipated. The doctor had the same reaction I did, me being armed with oodles of online research - she's a brilliant doctor. She ordered a few more tests to rule out something serious we can't gauge without the tests. When all pointers aim at "no problem" that's a reasonable attitude to continue to hold. So, I do.

I made it half-way home before calling it a day due to dark having set in; mountain roads at night after a really long day are good roads to avoid. The rest of the switch - increasing energy and focus - that started when I took a proactive approach to my project overwhelm concluded that night in the cozy hotel room.

My energy was back! My need for snacks was gone. A good night's sleep, a healthy home-made juice for breakfast, and a quick two-hour drive home brought me back to my feelings of being centered and grounded.

Even the three and a half hour conference call I finished the day with seemed short. I. Am. Back. Mostly... I did allow myself a chocolate treat this afternoon, knowing it was the last of the "feed me" nervousness I'd built up through the previous month. At least it was a small treat.

This long tale has a purpose. What are you doing unconsciously to undermine your habits? What is going on in your life that's sapping your energy level and focus? Is there only one thing, or do you have a list of situations that are weighing on you and bringing you down in various ways?

Energy levels can be elusive. Focus can be evasive. You deserve to have them at your beck and call. Take stock of your life and stay on top of the energy vampires. Be proactive in generating and maintaining your energy levels. Recommit to what you know to be good and healthy for you. And last, ask for help: that's what coaches are for!

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-The-Perfect-Storm-Can-Undermine-Your-Best-Intentions&id=9392510

Fear and Empowerment

Each moment is a choice. Each unfolding is a moment of empowerment in which we get to select who and what we are in relation to a given circumstance.

Because of this, each moment is a gift. Each situation, even painful ones, are opportunities to select who we wish to be in that moment. We can be kind, we can be strong, we can be love in motion, kindness in action or, or can choose to spread pain, cause despair and destroy.

Are you afraid? Then you have a wonderful opportunity to experience being brave. Do you feel under valued? Then you have a chance to choose again, to move forward and assert your worth in a way that helps not only yourself, but others as well.

Who you choose to be over a lifetime creates the person you experience as yourself underneath and beyond the trappings of events and personalities you are in relation to.

When you are overwhelmed or afraid, ask yourself who you want to be in relation to those feelings. Do not hide or suppress your emotions, but rather seek to understand and come to terms with them. This is the deep work of the soul and it is not easy. Truthfully, a strange mixture of fear, love, old thought patterns and emotions can lay at the heart of many of our deepest struggles.

I, to be brutally honest, have often been afraid that I am simply not good enough to do this or that. At times I have had to calm myself, telling myself it is okay and let go anyway, prying my fingers off of the ledge and allowing myself to fall backwards into the hands of All That Is.

Maybe you struggle too. Maybe you feel less than. Maybe you are like the tiny bird that longs to fly higher but are afraid the skies are just too dark, the winds too strong or that your wings were not meant to soar.

If so, I say this: let go.

In the end it does not matter how far you soar, only that you tried. You are not ON a journey, you ARE the journey. It is okay to fail. It is okay to fall, but it is not okay to allow your fear to beat you into a corner and prevent you from trying. Choose something else.

That does not mean you suppress your fear, but rather that you seek to learn why you feel as you do. Listen to your fears as you would a child. Talk to them and then gently sit them down.

Tell them you see them, but you must move forward with or without them. They may cry. They may scream. They may tell you that you are worthless.

Duly noted. Now fly anyway. It is always and ever your choice that matters.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Fear-and-Empowerment&id=9364818

Relationship Destroying Behaviors: Stonewalling (5 Tips for Breaking Through)

There are four behaviors so deadly to a relationship, whether romantic, family and friends, or business, that they have been called 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' by relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D.. He names them:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

This time we look at Stonewalling

Relationships are about you and something (like money) or someone else (family, friend, lover). When someone actively disengages from a conversation or the relationship, Gottman calls it stonewalling. It is very hard on a relationship. 'Active' and 'disengagement' are the key words.

"I need to talk to you."

[Silence]

"Can we talk please?"

[silence]

"If you don't talk to me I'm going to burn that &*%$#@ paper!"

[ducking behind the newspaper?-?more silence]

[Sounds of a flame thrower come from the kitchen.]

Stonewalling shows up as silent treatments, a refusal to engage, and withdrawal?-?in general just ignoring the other. When stonewalling is present there are usually several of the other horsemen also galloping about and wreaking havoc. Stonewalling always escalates the conflict. It invites conflict, contempt, and defensiveness in an attempt to break the silence.

Remember that our biggest need in a relationship is to be heard and know that our feelings matter. The 'other' will get louder and more insistent in his or her demands for our attention until eventually just giving up and checking out emotionally. Call the coroner. I've heard many people say "We've been emotionally divorced for years." Stonewalling is where it starts.

So what to do:

Realize your system (relationship) is in a state of alarm and needs immediate attention.

1. If you are the one who is stonewalling explore the fears behind why you are not engaging. Is there a part of your identity that is at risk? Do you feel it just makes matters worse? Are you overwhelmed by emotion and anxiety and just can't handle it?

2. It may be helpful to explain why you are withholding. What do you need from the other in order to be able to speak freely? Do you need to know that what you share will be held in confidence? Do you need to speak uninterrupted for a length of time? Do you need to set aside a time and/or place to have a difficult conversation?

3. Is there a real threat of danger? Do you need a neutral place to meet, or a third party present? Do you need to have an agreement that there will be no screaming or bullying? What do you need to create a place where communication can happen?

4. If your partner is stonewalling take a look at what you are doing that would cause the other to feel unsafe in expressing him/herself. Have you been judgmental? Parental? Are you being critical or contemptuous? Is s/he fearful that you will dismiss his/her ideas? Do you have to be right? Do you yell and bully?

5. Focus on how YOU want to be and how you want things to be between you. Show up in the way you want regardless of what the other does. If you can show up as your highest and best self your friend/partner will have a better shot at doing that also.

Relationship coaching can be a powerful witness and change agent for your relationship. Don't wait until your relationship is taking its last breath before you seek help!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Relationship-Destroying-Behaviors:-Stonewalling-(5-Tips-for-Breaking-Through)&id=9339837

How to Tame the Stress Monster

You bury your head in your hands. You'd really like to run screaming from your cubicle, but for one, that would get you instantly fired, for two, your shoes are definitely not made for running. But the stress! Not only does your job stress you out, but there's your family, friends, chores, errands, social media to keep up with - AARGH! It's enough to make a grown man/woman weep.

So off you go to yoga/pilates (how to make the time for that is yet another stressor), or meditation class, or get up an hour earlier to run, anything to relieve the tension that seems to invade your every waking moment. I take that back - your every moment - because getting a good night's sleep is a rarity, and even in your dreams it seems you're stressed.

You think "Wouldn't it be great to be a trust fund baby, or be able to take early retirement? Anything so I could just sit on a beach, drink pina coladas, and enjoy the view the rest of my days, stress free." Well, not so much. I don't know of any studies on trust fund babies, but certainly the studies on who's happiest in retirement show that those who retire into "sit on the beach" mode end up dying but a few years later. Whereas those who retire from a job, find interests that stimulate them and are busier than ever, end up thriving and living long happy lives.

So it's not really stress that's the culprit, it's how you look at it, and how you respond to it. Basically, stress is nothing more than stimulation, and as the studies on retirees who thrive show, you need stimulation in order to stay alive - mentally, physically and emotionally.

Stimulation is a good thing! Too much of it is a bad thing. And that's generally what we're referring to when we cry out, "I'm stressed!!" When you're feeling "stressed" what's really happening is you're overwhelmed with too much stimulation from the outside world.

Why does that matter? Because there's a world of difference between how you can deal with being overwhelmed by the situations in your life versus being "stressed." "Stressed" is an emotional response to a situation. So you look for ways to soothe your painful emotions: thus the yoga/pilates, meditation, running and so forth. All of which are great and supportive of your overall health and well-being, but may not do much to alleviate what's actually overwhelming you.

The first thing to do when you're feeling "I'm stressed!!" is to take a deep breath, and ask yourself, "What's overwhelming me?" "Everything!" is not a helpful answer. Break it down into specifics. Because it's only by looking at the specifics of the situations stressing you out that you can deal with them; undo, if you will, the overwhelm.

Secondly, check your boundaries. Most overwhelm comes out of our failure to set good boundaries. Whether it's letting your boss know that you're happy to do overtime one day a week but not more, or informing your kids that you will no longer be cleaning their bathrooms - they're old enough to do it themselves and here's how, or telling your S.O. that you appreciate his/her respecting that 15 minutes of quiet you need upon coming home before launching into the evening drill, all these are ways of setting boundaries and reducing overwhelm.

Thirdly, prioritize. Determine what's the most important thing you want to accomplish in your job, with your relationship, your friends, your family, yourself! Then schedule your time first and foremost around that most important thing, and stick to it. Let everything else take second, third, fourth place - and if need be, eliminate some activities altogether. Nowhere is it written that if you don't update your Facebook page every day, life as you know it is over. Try once a week, or once a month, whatever fits. Maybe your top relationship priority is your weekly date night. Great! Don't let anything get in the way of it, and "date" with gusto.

It's all about taking charge of your life. About allowing the stimulation that feels good to you, while actively, proactively, setting boundaries and prioritizing such that you don't take on more stimulation than is right for you, and as a result, spiral down into overwhelm.

Anytime you feel that "I'm stressed!" emotion creeping up on you, stop! Remember it's but an emotional response, and you can greatly diminish your stress by dealing directly with the situations that birthed that emotion.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Tame-the-Stress-Monster&id=9540664

You Are Stronger Than You Know (By Linda Aspen-Baxter)

Halted in my tracks by a woman

sitting hunched in defeat...

The image on the TV screen

grabbed me with a jolt.

I knew her...

this woman who was a stranger to me;

the light gone from her downcast eyes,

her skin stretched tight over her shattered spirit,

her fingers clenched,

holding her core of pain in an iron grip -

afraid to let go,

afraid to look back,

afraid to look ahead;

fragile...

defeated...

a shell of the woman she had been -

unaware that all she could be

was waiting for her inside.

Have you ever felt totally beaten by the circumstances of your life? Have you felt as I did, that there was no way out, nowhere to go, and no one to help? Have you felt completely alone, shadowed by the cloud of blackness that hovered over your life? If so, you know the paper-thin public veneer and brittle smile you don to try to cover the aching wound within you. You know how it feels to go through the motions of living in such pain that you feel numbed by it. You hold that core of pain within you as tightly as you can. You can't let go because you're afraid that if you do you might come completely undone and the tears might never stop.

I share my story and what I learned from it with the hope that my experience and what I learned through some of the darkest moments of my life may help make a difference in your life or the life of someone you know. I pray that as you read, my words will resonate within you and help you discover the inner strength and power that is within you so that you can begin to move forward and make positive changes in your life. You deserve to live in peace and to be happy. We all do.

Looking back, I can still remember the pain that sawed its serrated edge through me... and stayed to thrust its searing point into me again and again... when I realized that my husband was cheating on me. He denied it over and over, but I knew. I knew when the trust between us had been violated, no matter how many times he told me that I was imagining things. I could feel the change in him and between us. I knew.

He finally admitted his affair. Being the classic co-dependent, I decided I would fix it. Hadn't my marriage vows included the words, "for better or worse"? This had to be classified as "worse." I would just love him more, be a better wife, and make things better. My plan backfired. I imagined that my solitary efforts could mend the torn fabric of our marriage. Wrong. The harder I tried, the more I became a target for his guilt. What began as infidelity ignited into verbal and emotional abuse by the man whom I had believed cherished me and whom I had even proclaimed would never cheat on me. Wrong on that count, too. Soon, I could do nothing right. My very existence was wrong and cause for attack.

The shock of realizing that I had become the enemy sent me reeling. Just months before I had the first inklings of his betrayal, I had declared to friends, "I am so blessed. I have a loving husband, beautiful children, wonderful friends - I have the perfect life." In fact, I even had the audacity to map out my perfect life to the time when our children would graduate, and it would be the two of us again. I had planned our "perfect life" right out to retirement. All I had to was go along for the ride. What a fool I was.

Within a matter of weeks, my life started to unravel. The perfect life that I had seen stretched out before me began to fray. Once it started to come undone, the unraveling and ripping increased in momentum and took on a life of its own. I was powerless to mend anything. The harder I tried, the more quickly things seemed to tear apart. On occasion, it still amazes me how quickly my so-called perfect life fell apart and lay in tattered shreds around me. How perfect had it really been? Had we ever been the perfect couple that others saw? Had this man ever truly loved me? Had it all been a lie?

I'm not sure of the exact moment when I realized that I had to stop trying to fix things and that I had to get out. Maybe it was when I realized that no matter how careful I was about trying to communicate with him, my words would be twisted back on me, and my genuine attempts to work things through would become the grounds for yet another attack. Maybe it was when I would wake with a jolt in the middle of the night to find his face almost pressed against mine, staring me awake, willing me out of my only escape so that he could draw me into another confrontation. Perhaps it was when I realized that I was living in fear in my own house.

Maybe it was the desperate drive when I left the house to escape his incessant emotional battering, and I drove blinded by useless tears, wanting to crash and find release through death. Through the blackness of those moments, an image emerged of my beloved children. I realized that leaving this life might end my pain, but I would leave my children behind in the hands of a man I had once trusted with my life, and who now seemed more monster than man. I could not leave them with him. I believed he would destroy them, as he was trying to destroy me.

Probably, it was all of these events and realizations... and more. I knew I had to get out. What I didn't know was when.

From the moment I realized that I had to get out for the sake of my kids, an amazing thing happened. A slender strand of strength emerged and wavered within me. No matter how beaten down and hopeless I felt, I had to get out for my kids. Each step I took to stand on my own two feet and begin the process of getting away gave me a little more strength. My first step seems inconsequential, but it was huge. I confided in a friend. She couldn't fix anything, but I broke the silence and lessened the power of his grip on me. Instead of feeling completely alone, I knew someone was there for me, and that I had someone to talk to. In deciding to tell someone, I gained a little bit of personal power, a little more strength.

I redid my resumé and started to apply for jobs in other communities. There were no certainties, but I was beginning to take steps forward... on my own. I was in a temporary position, and my job would end in a few short months, but for the time being, I was earning a pay cheque. I began to put money in a separate account. As it grew, so did I. It was my "getting away" money. Knowing it was there and watching it grow strengthened me.

I knew we had to leave, but I still didn't know when. I watched the bright lights dim within my children. As the anger and violence escalated in our home, they withdrew into themselves more and more. I watched my children learn to walk as if on cut glass. We all did. Who knew what would trigger a fit of rage from their father? Would it be baking cookies for the kids? Would it be cleaning the house? Would it be asking him to come for supper? Would it be the fact that I was still breathing? The children stopped playing; they sat quietly and watched TV with the volume turned down so they wouldn't disturb their father. I listened to their teachers tell me how withdrawn they had become at school. I knew I had to get them out of that poisonous atmosphere. It was destroying them as it was me. Still, I struggled with the actual doing... until one weekend in early spring when the decision was taken out of my hands and made for me.

After experiencing a night of escalating rage and erratic behavior by my husband, I had kept my scheduled appointment with the counselor I had been seeing. When I finished relating the chaotic events of the previous evening, the counselor observed that I had not stopped shaking since I had come into her office. She asked me when enough was enough. When was I going to leave? All I could think was how could I take my children away from their father? She commented that he wasn't being a father at that point. She reminded me about the escalating violence and that I needed to leave while I still could. She asked me if I had a safe place to go with the children. Before I knew it, she had me calling my parents to see if we could stay there for a while, and she was talking to the kids to prepare them for what we had to do.

We couldn't leave while he was at home. He had sworn that he would never let me leave. However, he was away for the afternoon, so we had time to return home to pack the necessities and get out. Thank goodness my parents met us at the house to help. The only word that comes close to describing how I felt that afternoon is stunned. As I moved through the house to gather essentials for our escape, I would stop, completely overwhelmed. My mother, bless her heart, would redirect me to what I had to do. It was mid-afternoon in early May, but even the weather mourned our leaving. The black clouds rolled in, and rain poured for all the tears I could not shed. The wheels of leaving that I had set in motion took over for me that day until I could take the wheel. And I did... step by tiny step; hour by hour; day by day.

From the moment we got out, my children began to get better. They began to play again, to dare to make noise, to be kids. Their lives were still in upheaval, but they knew they were loved and safe. They didn't have to witness any more drama or violent rages. They didn't have to "be good" to try to prevent setting off any further violence. They could be children again. Their teachers witnessed the same positive changes I observed from the time we left.

Three weeks after we took refuge at my parents' home, my husband moved out of our house and we were able to move back into our own home. I was in survival mode - still shell-shocked but focused on my kids. I went on for them. Each day, I tried to provide the routine they had known and the security they needed. I loved and nurtured them with every fibre of my being. I got up in the morning for them; I went through the motions of each day for them; at night, I went to bed thinking of them. I kept working; I focused entirely on my job and my children. There were still more questions in my life than answers. My job ended in a few short weeks. At that time, I would have to face unemployment with two young children to provide for. I kept scouring the papers and sending out applications. I kept saving as much as possible. More than anything, I kept praying - praying for the strength to be the mother my children needed, praying for a job that would offer us a new start somewhere else. I didn't know how it would all work out; I just knew it had to.

In the meantime, we were safe in the home that had been such a nightmare. With my husband gone from the house, it became our sanctuary. It was hard to go out in the community, even to go to the park, to get the mail, or to shop for groceries. To go out meant facing people. We lived in a small community, and everyone knew. I forced myself to go out and do the things we had always done - for my children. As I sensed hesitancy in my children about going out into the community, I gave them the reassurance they needed. After all, they had done nothing wrong; I told them to hold their heads high and to stand proud. I was able to find the courage to go out and do for them what I couldn't do for myself. We went out; we played; we went on. Each day, I tried to ease the hurt my children were experiencing. I desperately hoped that I could love them better; that I could provide the band-aid that would heal their hurts. Another lesson was to be learned from that - another lesson that would take time for me to finally get.

All of my applications resulted in three interviews, and one offer, which was all I needed. That offer was an answer to my prayers... and my lifeline. Within two months of my initial flight for safety, I was packing to move to another community to begin a new job. One door had closed; another one opened for us. Did this open door give me hope for the future and reason to dream? Not yet. I still couldn't look to the future. All I could handle was one moment at a time, one hour, one day. I could not look further or imagine anything beyond surviving the present moment. Even after we settled into our new place, my children started in a new school, and I began my new job, I continued in survival mode. My kids and my work were my life.

Yet, even in those gray days of trying to make it through each day without falling apart, I would experience glimmers of a totally new feeling. Through the darkness that cloaked my life, I began to feel delicious bubbles of freedom well up in me when I left work and knew that my kids and I could do anything we wanted. We could go home and be safe. We were free.

As time went on, I began to live life for me. I started to find fulfillment in my work... for me. At first, all I could do was to try to cope with my new responsibilities. As time went on, I realized that I was beginning to take pride in mastering the new demands of my position. I began to incorporate my own initiatives and to put my own "stamp" on my work. I started to feel good about the work that I was doing.

When I first left my husband, people would reassure me that life would get better and I would feel better. I would ask, "When?" Their response was always, "It takes time." I didn't want to hear that. I had hurt, and life had been so hard, for so long. It was going to take MORE time?? As I look back now, that is exactly what it took - time... and tiny steps forward. There wasn't one moment or one day that I can point to and say, "THAT was when I began to feel better." It was a process. What is important to share with you is that it did happen. I began to feel better and to experience positive emotions... just as many wiser people had promised.

I started to laugh and even to feel joy. How good it felt to laugh again! I started to believe that I was strong enough to make it on my own. Just as I began to take pride in my work, I began to take pride in caring for and supporting my kids. As I began to feel and believe, I realized that the darkest days of my life had been a blessing in disguise. I knew from the core of my being that I was growing and becoming stronger because of what I had faced. I was beginning to feel the freedom and confidence to be the person I wanted to be. I thanked God for the lesson I was learning. I had been so self-righteous as I had proclaimed my perfect life. How ignorant I had been! I had been ready to stagnate in my "perfect little nest" for the rest of my life. That wasn't living, and it certainly wasn't the reason for my life.

As I realized this, I began to question my life's purpose, and although I didn't find answers immediately, the important realization was that I was on a journey and that I had to grow and move forward toward the person I was meant to become. I didn't "get" that realization on my own. Instead, life dumped me out of my perfect little life onto my head so I was forced to challenge myself - to stretch and move toward reaching my potential.

There were many more lessons to come, but this realization was an incredible turning point in my life. I am here on this earth to learn and to grow. Things went terribly wrong in my life, but there was learning in that for me. I began to realize that when life put stumbling blocks in my way, I had to look for what I needed to learn. There is a reason why things happen as they do. There is a lesson to be learned, and when I get that lesson, I can move onward to encounter yet more lessons. As I learn, I grow as a person. I thank God for the learning experience that resulted because of my husband's infidelity. I am a much better person because of it.

In so many ways, I was broken by the break-up of my marriage and the verbal and emotional abuse I experienced. I was ready to give up and find the release I thought death would offer, but I went on for the sake of my kids. Even though I didn't go on for myself in the beginning, I was the winner in the end. Instead of stagnating in a predetermined life story, I learned that life is my journey toward becoming all that I can be. I realized that I want to continue to stretch and challenge myself - to continue to grow and evolve. I realized that life offers me unlimited opportunities and potential. If I can realize this, you can too. Broken spirits mend and heal. It takes time, and I am still healing, still encountering and struggling with baggage from my past. However, what I do know is the struggle is worth it because each time that I can let go of past hurts, I move forward and continue the healing that must occur before I can be truly whole.

Know that you have immeasurable strength within you - strength you may not even know that you have - but it is there... ready for you to take one step toward making a change in your life. One tiny step is followed by another tiny step, but two steps forward, no matter how small, are still two steps forward, and they result in two strands of emerging strength and power. By themselves, each step forward doesn't seem all that significant, but together, they begin to build a core of personal power within you. One step will take you to the next step. You don't need to do it all at once. Begin with one small step. When you begin to feel the first inklings of your own power, you are on your way.

Nothing can destroy the power within you to create change for YOU. You deserve a life of happiness and joy. You deserve a life free from fear and abuse. You ARE worthy. Let no person take away your worth and your joy in being. Begin now to take ownership for your life's journey. It is your birthright.

Who am I now?

I am a woman who can

face the mirror and

look deep into my own eyes.

I am a woman who can

see the beauty within me

and smile at the love in my eyes.

I am a woman who can

hold her head high

and walk forward with pride.

I am a woman who knows

that I can be everything

I want to be.

I am a woman who can.

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