How To Use Your Pain To Develop Emotional Resilience

Running Away From Pain Our Entire Life

What is the cause of your emotional pain right now, if anything? Is it something deeper such as pain from a loved one contracting the Coronavirus or the uncertainty of the world we live in? I know I'm being specific here, since I'd like you to understand what is the root cause of your pain. It requires looking inward and setting aside your judgements about what you believe is taking place. Usually, our pain isn't the result of what is happening right now but a residue of the past. We tend to recycle the past into the present moment which obscures what is really taking place. Therefore, by examining our pain, we realise we've been carrying a heavy burden for so long that is has become the new norm.

What I'm referring to can be summarised by the disgraced, seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, who believed his lies and was convinced he was telling the truth. In some ways we do a similar thing, where carrying emotional pain becomes entrenched in our nervous system. However, when triggered by an event or those who activate our wounds, we wonder why we are reacting to it. Unless we work with a trained therapist or take the journey into ourselves, it will become apparent we've been running away from pain our entire life.

Can you identify with this narrative in your own life? It is my experience coaching people over the years, they become aware of their wounds through their relationships. For example, we cannot hide from our pain in an intimate relationship because the other person will mirror our unresolved trauma. Pain will always find a path to our door, so we can learn what we need to at the right time. However, many people close the door to their pain because they don't want to experience difficult emotions. But I ask you: would you rather run from pain your entire life, or sit with it for the brief time it takes to experience the difficult emotions?

Painful Emotions Will Always Find A Way To Get Your Attention

You've got to use your pain and not allow it to use you. Sure, it might be unpleasant in the short term because who wants to experience anger, sadness, fear and other unpleasant emotions? But having worked through these emotions for over a decade, I assure you on the other side lies the most heartening experience of love. Difficult and painful emotions is the entrance fee we pay to experience the wholeness of our true selves. Painful emotions shine the light on our authentic self because they reveal who we really are, instead of who we believe ourselves to be. Pain can be temporary or it can last decades, and the only person who has authority over it is, you. You control the intensity of the pain, and how long it stays in your life. Neuropsychologists believe that an emotion takes 2 ½ minutes to move through our nervous system, yet many people hold on to painful emotions for decades.

This is unnecessary because dealing with pain can help to ease their suffering and live a more expanded and fulfilling life. Yes, even difficult emotions can be unexpected teachers. We needn't butt heads with them, but allow them passage through us, as eluded to in my earlier metaphor. They need to be acknowledged because hidden within the emotions are messages from your soul regarding your life's narrative. If we run from these emotions, they will find another way to get our attention. In my experience, this sometimes involves physiological pain such as an injury, back pain, neck pain or illness and disease. The emotions will find a way through the body to get your attention.

Therefore, use your pain to develop emotional resilience, instead of running away from them. Anaesthetising our pain with drugs, food, material possessions are forms of distraction that keep us from attending to what truly matters; our emotional well-being. So, invite the difficult emotions in because they will find a way back to your front door; sometimes when you least expect it. Knowing this, I'd like you to work through the questions I asked you at the beginning of the article. Now that you have the time, it would be a perfect opportunity to do the healing work to overcome your emotional wounds. Use this time at home to invest in yourself and be patient with what you experience. Pain can be a doorway into the past, bringing painful memories, or the opportunity to create a fresh canvas upon which to renew our life's purpose.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Use-Your-Pain-To-Develop-Emotional-Resilience&id=10278751

Hero Worship - Good for Spiritual Health?

Superman along with other hero figures such as Spiderman and Batman have grabbed my young grandsons' attention. They are crime fighting superheroes with a moral compass acting with super-powers for the benefit of humanity.

What makes Superman a hero is not that he has power, but that he has the wisdom and the maturity to use the power wisely. From an acting point of view, that's how I approached the part. (actor, Christopher Reeve)

I have the impression today the heroes are more violent than in the past. However, I recognise these all-action figures are very popular today judging by the plethora of superhero films. But are they good role models to identify with?

As a boy, I watched over 200 television episodes of The Lone Ranger. He was a fictional masked former Texas ranger who fought outlaws in the American Old West. I loved his energy and bravery in fighting against crime for what was right. Whenever he was forced to use guns, he never shot to kill, but instead tried to disarm his opponent as painlessly as possible.

I also saw over 140 episodes of the television series The Adventures of Robin Hood. Here was another boyhood hero. According to legend, he was a champion of the common people. Being a brilliant archer and swordsman, he fought injustice with courage and audacity. He was said to rob the rich to give to the poor.

I wonder what effect these programmes had on me. Was having a hero a healthy thing for my development?

The hero as inspiring role model

Heroes certainly touch our hearts and fill us with warm approval. We can identify with them.

If we need courage to face real hardships in life, then perhaps having a strong hero image within our heads can be helpful? For myself I'm thinking of the hero who has emotional resilience.

After polling a number of people, Professor Scott T. Allison of the University of Richmond, discovered that heroes are perceived to be highly moral, highly competent, or both. More specifically, heroes are believed to possess eight traits. They are said to be smart, strong, resilient, selfless, caring, charismatic, reliable, and inspiring. Apparently, it is unusual for a hero to possess all eight of these characteristics, but most heroes have a majority of them.

Heroes tend to care about what is good. They get involved with dangerous situations despite personal cost. They do this without wanting any gain for themselves.

For example the writer Fran Striker conceived the Lone Ranger character as believing that everyone has within himself the power to make this a better world. He wrote that God put the firewood there but that every man must gather and light it himself. The Lone Ranger exemplified the idea that one should be prepared physically, mentally, and morally to fight when necessary for what is right.

Hero worship

We might question excessive admiration of any one individual. Whether it be a fictional, legendary or an actual person. Benito Mussolini in Italy in the 1920s created the political cult of personality, also emulated by Adolf Hitler in Germany and Joseph Stalin in Russia. This cult phenomena arose when those in power in these three countries created an idealized, heroic, and venerated image of the leader. They used unquestioning flattery and praise. They employed the techniques of mass media, propaganda, the big lie, spectacle, the arts, patriotism, and government-organized demonstrations and rallies to do this.

Should we not pause before welcoming some idolised hero into our lives? What is it is about the hero that we admire? Is it their charismatic leadership in creating a sense of social cohesion and social order? Or are they giving us permission to discriminate and hate.

Living in the 18th century spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg wrote about idolatry in terms of the worship of anyone or anything that reflects a prioritising of self-interest, pleasure and material things rather than feeling concern for others and things of the spirit. From what he wrote about idolatry, I would understand we should not idolise our heroes but pay attention to the good things the hero represents.

The hero as metaphor

One might argue that actually most heroes have potential benefit to us. This is because they are figurative images within our own mind. Ones that encourage us to reconsider our decisions and view of life. Isn't conformity to social convention sometimes a problem? For example if it means extravagance keeping up with the Jones' or conformity to superficial sentiment. Deeper reflection, inspired by a hero image, can offset the risk of our personal choices going along with the crowd.

We all are beset to some degree or other by a hidden side to our nature - a shadowy part of our psyche plagued by anxiety, weakness, or anger. Those with psychological courage venture into this underworld of the psyche and face what is there. And do something about it. The hero defeats the 'baddie'. We need to find the hero within ourselves. It is easy to fight the 'enemy out there'. Harder to recognise the 'enemy within' - one that is not a projection but rather a shadowy part of oneself.

Hard times don't create heroes. It is during the hard times when the 'hero' within us is revealed. (Bob Riley, former Governor of Alabama)

https://ezinearticles.com/?Hero-Worship---Good-for-Spiritual-Health?&id=10005350

7 Habits of Highly Emotionally Healthy People

6. Identify self-defeating behaviors, and defeat them.

Most of us pay close attention to our health and treat threats to our physical well-being as soon as they occur. We dress warmly when we feel a cold coming on, we apply antibacterial ointments and bandages to cuts and scrapes, and we don’t pick at scabs as they heal. We sustain psychological injuries just as often as we do physical ones, but we are much less proactive about protecting our psychological well-being than we are our physical well-being. Adopting the following seven habits, and "treating" common psychological injuries when they occur, will help protect your mental health and improve your emotional resilience.

1. Gain Control After a Failure

Failure distorts our perceptions such that our goals seem more out of reach and our capacities seem less up to the task. Once we feel as though there is little we can do to succeed, we become demoralized and lose our motivation. Adopt the habit of ignoring this misleading gut reaction and make a list of the many factors related to your goal that were in your control—effort, preparation, planning, different approaches you could have taken, etc. Then, consider how you might go about improving each of these factors. Doing so will not only combat defeatist misperceptions, it will drastically improve your chances of future success.

2. Find Meaning in Loss and Trauma

One of the main factors that distinguishes those who thrive emotionally after experiencing loss or trauma from those who do not is their ability to eventually find meaning in their experiences and to derive purpose from them. Of course, doing so takes time, as does the process of grieving and adapting to new realities. However, adopting the habit of searching for ways to recognize not just what you've lost, but what you’ve gained as well, will allow you to develop new appreciation for your life and the people in it, to make important changes, and to find value, meaning, and purpose even if you lacked them before.

3. Disrupt the Urge to Brood and Ruminate

When we brood over distressing events we rarely gain insight into them. Instead, we replay upsetting or angering scenarios in our heads, which only increases our urge to brood and makes us feel worse. Therefore, despite how compelling the urge to brood is, adopt the habit of disrupting the brooding cycle as soon as you catch yourself ruminating about the events in question. The best way to do this is to distract yourself with a task that requires concentration—such as a game of Sudoku, trying to recall the exact order of the stations on your bus/subway line, or watching an absorbing show.

4. Nurture Your Self-Esteem

Our self-esteem fluctuates such that we feel better about ourselves some days than we do others. But many of us become self-critical when we’re feeling bad, essentially kicking our self-esteem when it’s already down. To improve your mental health, adopt the habit of regarding your self-esteem as an "emotional immune system" that needs to be nurtured back to health when it’s ailing. The best way to heal damaged self-esteem is to practice self-compassion. When you have self-critical thoughts, consider what you would do if a dear friend had similar feelings. Write out what you would say to them in an email if you wanted to express compassion and support. Then read the email as if they had sent it to you.

5. Revive Your Self-Worth after a Rejection

Rejections are so hurtful that we often try to make sense of our emotional pain by finding fault in ourselves. Our reasoning is that if we hurt so much, we must be really weak/pathetic/a loser/unworthy/fragile/unlovable, etc. Rejection hurts as it does not because there’s something wrong with us but because of how our brains are wired. The best way to ease emotional pain and revive your self-worth after a rejection is to adopt the habit of affirming aspects of yourself you value, qualities you possess that you find meaningful (e.g., loyalty, compassion, creativity, or a strong work-ethic). Make a list of such attributes, choose one or two and write a short essay about why the quality is important to you.

6. Combat Loneliness by Identifying Self-Defeating Behaviors

Chronic loneliness is much more common than we realize and it has a devastating impact on our emotional and physical health.  The problem is that once we feel lonely, we often act in ways to minimize the risk of further rejection by unconsciously engaging in self-defeating behaviors and sabotaging opportunities to make new social connections or to deepen existing ones. The best way to combat loneliness is to adopt the habit of identifying and challenging such self-defeating behaviors. Make a list of excuses you’ve used to avoid taking the initiative in social situations—I won’t know anyone at the party so why go?; They don’t call me so why should I call them?; They’re probably too busy to meet up; I can’t just introduce myself to a stranger at a cocktail party. Now make a list of people whose company you’ve enjoyed in the past (go through your phone book, Facebook friends, and Email contacts) and reach out to one or two each day to initiate plans until your social calendar is full. Challenge yourself to avoid using excuses from your list when you feel anxious.

7. Shed Excessive Guilt by Repairing Damaged Relationships

Excessive guilt occurs when our actions or inactions have harmed another person (most often a close friend or relative) who has not forgiven us for our wrongdoing. Such situations usually have more to do with the inadequacy of our apologies than with the inability of the other person to "let go" of their hurt. Indeed, the crucial ingredient an effective apology requires—and the one we most often miss—is empathy. For the other person to truly forgive you, adopt the habit of conveying effective apologies when you've done wrong. To do so, make sure the other person feels that you totally "get" how they felt as well as how they were impacted by your actions. Once you’ve expressed adequate empathy, the other person is much more likely to feel your apology is sincere and to convey authentic forgiveness. Your guilt will dissolve soon thereafter.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/7-habits-highly-emotionally-healthy-people

A Navy SEAL's 4 Steps To Emotional Resilence

Do you tend to back off, or even quit, when things get really hard? Is it because you get overwhelmed emotionally, and let fear, uncertainty, or frustration derail you from your mission? My experience is that most people feel they should be able to bounce back quickly from life’s bummer moments, but they don’t know how and are left living in regret.

Resilient people are resilient not because they were born that way, but because they learned along the way that setbacks are simply an opportunity to learn and grow. It is a mindset and set of skills.

The bottom line is that emotional resiliency is a necessary ingredient of success.

I am a former Navy SEAL, and work on training SEALs in my current role. When you look at the tactics employed by Navy SEALs, you would notice a fiery determination to stay the course — even when hit by serious difficulties. SEALs learn that an inability to rebound quickly from failure can have crippling consequences. Grit, formed from mental toughness and emotional resiliency, is a by-product of training through failure, while expecting to win.

The bottom line is that emotional resiliency is a necessary ingredient of success for anyone working toward lofty goals. Here are a few tips to help you develop strengthen your resilience. Though these steps are simple to understand, they take extreme discipline to master. Here they are:

Step 1: Learn to witness the negative emotional reaction as it arises.

Next, observe the root emotion beneath it.

Step 2: Examine that root emotion to experience it fully.

This helps to ensure that you are avoiding denial or transference.

Step 3: Intentionally transfer the negative root emotion to a positive counterpart.

For example, you can turn fear into courage, anger into commitment, jealousy into appreciation, shame into pride, and despair into surrender. Admittedly this step takes great patience and willpower, which are part of this practice.

Step 4: Finally, engage the new emotion with self-talk.

This action blocks the old emotion from returning. It helps to divert your attention away from whatever drama caused the reaction to begin with, and focus on something positive, such as a teammate in need.

The positive momentum developed from this process will carry you to emotionally resilient territory. Let me use a personal example I wrote about in my book Unbeatable Mind: Forge Resiliency and Mental Toughness to Succeed at an Elite Level.

During Operation Iraqi Freedom, I was quoted in a newspaper article that focused on the way SEALs were being employed in Iraq. I thought I was having a casual conversation with a friend (who happened to be a journalist), and did not consider that he intended to use me as a source (my bad). He used my name and rank in the story to make it appear an official statement — one that was critical of the then SEAL leadership.

As I received the verbal beating, I could feel my anger boiling. My instinctual response was to lash out to verbally defend myself.

I got called out quickly by an official who read me the riot act. As I received the verbal beating, I could feel my anger boiling. My instinctual response was to lash out to verbally defend myself. And that was what he expected. But I witnessed the anger and sensed that a reaction from that emotional state would get me into deeper water. So I chose to interdict the reaction with an internally voiced command to stop the anger — while I nodded politely to the captain.

Though I was feeling anger, what I witnessed was that it was associated with guilt for my obvious screw-up and a fear of loss. The anger was a habituated reaction that clouded over the root emotion of fear. In those short moments I examined the fear, kicked its tires, and came to the conclusion that though I had made a mistake, it was an honest one and I was blowing things out of proportion. I chose to redirect the fear toward courage, and to maintain a focused, professional demeanor. I changed my internal dialogue to support the emotion of courage.

Soon what felt like a major incident was under control, and time moved on. Like many setbacks in life, this one was temporary and self-induced, yet provided a rich opportunity to cultivate emotional awareness and resiliency.

Imagine challenging situations in your own life. How have you reacted? Did the moment get the best of you and your emotions, and turn what otherwise should have been a speed bump into a full-blown wreck? If that’s the case, then consider experimenting with the above emotional training. Trust me, it will pay off.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22277/a-navy-seals-4-steps-to-emotional-resilence.html

Resilience: An Emotional Intelligence Competency We Need Today

We are focusing more now on emotional intelligence (EQ), as it becomes increasingly evident that it can be the crucial factor in determining success and happiness in our careers and relationships. Once we have the fundamentals in place--education, expertise, and skills--how we handle ourselves and others is what makes the difference.

Resilience is an important EQ competency. It means being able to bounce back after setbacks, failures, disappointments and losses. It means not giving up, and continuing to face the future with optimism and courage despite events. Because life will have its ups and downs, one of the most important things we can do is learn how to bolster our resilience. We can do this by understanding the competencies that make people resilient and then working with a coach to improve our skills in these areas. 

Being resilient is going to be extremely important in the future as the pace of change continues to escalate.

People who are the most resilient have these competencies: 

1. They are reflective, able to look back on experiences and extract the kernels of wisdom from them. 
2. They don't back off from reality, but face it squarely, labelling things for what they are--setbacks, losses, disappointments. 
3. They know their feelings, label them correctly, and express them fluently and routinely to others. 
4. They are able to separate timezones--past from present from future.
5. They commit to the agony of grieving for as long as it takes.
6. They find meaning and purpose in their struggles, knowing that they will benefit in the end by a greater understanding of the fundamentals of live.
7. They have a high EQ, including being able to think flexibly and creatively under stress. They expand rather than shut down when faced with a challenge.
8. They keep a reserve of energy built up through regular periods of rest and renewal.
9. They have a strong network of individuals they can depend upon, and who know and accept them as they are.

http://goarticles.com/article/Resilience-An-Emotional-Intelligence-Competency-We-Need-Today/6065/