The Best Way to Get Out of an Argument

Whether it is your spouse or a colleague at work, you seem to be having constant arguments. You want to win; so does the other party. There is constant friction between the two of you and you feel uncomfortable. How do you get out of an argument in the best possible way? Read on to find out.

Sure, winning over an argument makes you feel victorious and celebrate for yourself for a while but if you do win, the other party will be sulky, unhappy and disappointed. You two will never get along smoothly and will never appreciate each other.

So what is the best way to get out of an argument? Simply stay aloof, get busy with your work and above all, let arguments fall aside. Then things start to fall together and you are in good terms with your buddy or spouse once again.

So how do you stay aloof? Just keep your distance and occupy yourself with pleasurable activities - the things you love to do. Get completely lost and absorbed in a passion hobby. Enjoy "me times". Also, you can enjoy a favorite friend's company and spend your times outdoor for a while.

Show your spouse or colleague that you are busy and have lots of work pressure and you have no time to spare. This will give you space to the both of you and time to reflect as well. The other party will start to miss you and crave for your company so that arguments will be out of the question.

When you are back to normal terms with the other party, in case s/he wants to bring up the argument topic again, don't let it linger and avoid it at all costs. Stand up from your chair and talk some offline topic. Distract your partner so that the beginning line of the argument gets lost.

This way you stay bonded with your family and colleagues at work closely.

Always remember that having an argument and winning over it makes the other person feel bitter towards you. Winning over arguments has no credit at all. After all, life on this fertile earth is to enjoy and be happy. Why would you choose to destroy your peace of mind by having an argument with somebody? By all means, I repeat that the best way to get out of an argument is to let it fall aside and avoid it completely.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Best-Way-to-Get-Out-of-an-Argument&id=9503593

Parenting and Divorce

Divorce. For some this transition is the easiest thing in life. Some people have waited for the day they were finally divorced from their spouse. For others, it's the most difficult thing they will ever endure. Divorce is a change, a huge change for everyone no matter if it's a happy occasion or a sad one for the spouses, when children are involved it can get very messy.

Many parents are guilty of one thing, talking crap about the other parent in front of the children. Stop it. Your children are one half of the other person. You might hate the person you have divorced, but respect the fact that your children still love that person. "Love your child more than you hate your ex-spouse". No matter how awful your divorce might have been, or even your marriage, repeat this to yourself often. It's very difficult to be the bigger person, but it's necessary for your child. You as the parents divorced for a reason. Even if the divorce wasn't mutual, or was for a horrible reason, there was likely conflict involved. Likely the children were a part of the divorce discussion. Likely you divorced so you as people could have a better life. Give your children that gift. Do not put them in the middle of constant conflict between the two of you.

If you must have conflict, don't do it in front of the kids. Choose a time when the kids are in bed and do not scream and yell. If you two can not get along for the sake of parenting your children and you need to have a discussion, do so in a text or an email. Sometimes tone of voice is the main reason for an argument. Sometimes just hearing your ex spouses voice is enough to make your skin crawl. You don't have to love your ex spouse, you don't even have to like them. You do have to be a good parent though. Both ex spouses have an obligation to their children to successfully raise them into adulthood.

Do not meddle in your ex spouses life. Quite frankly unless their new partner is a meth addict and cooking meth in his or her basement, it's none of your business who they are dating. While you might not think much of the person they've picked, unless the courts find them unfit, there's nothing you can do about it. Just accept that this person is now going to be in your child's life. If you talk badly about that person, and your child likes them, your child will grow to resent you. Maybe they don't parent the same as you, but that doesn't make them a bad person. They are not trying to replace you, nor will your child replace you with that person. Just be the best parent you can be when your child is with you. Just because dad's girlfriend fixes your daughter's hair, doesn't mean you should fight with them. Be thankful this person actually enjoys spending time with your child. At least your child is being cared for. Same goes for dads who get mad at mom's new boyfriend, so what if he takes your son fishing, at least your son is being cared for. You do not have to be best friends with the other person, just be civil.

Do not have your children call the new person in your life, "mom or dad". This is only OK if the child is very little and your ex spouse has basically abandoned them. If your new partner has raised this child from the time they were six months old, and your child is now 10, that person has become their honorary parent for the most part. If the step-parent is comfortable with this, as well as your child, by all means, go ahead. Otherwise you're just doing it to spite the other parent. This is not okay. Spite has no place in successful co-parenting relationships.

Work with one another. If dad wants to take your child to a baseball game on one of your days, and you want to take the child to a party on a certain day, switch. Don't keep the child from a fun time because you want to be spiteful. Perhaps dad can afford an activity you can't at the moment. Perhaps it's something your child really wants to do. Let the child go if it doesn't interfere with something important you already have planned. Maybe mom's family has a holiday party on one of your scheduled visitation days and she would like the child to attend. Work with her on this. If you don't already have plans, let the child go to the party, but only if mom lets you keep the child some extra hours to make up for the time spent away.

Don't look at the other parents gifts as a bad thing. What I mean by that is, one parent might out gift the other parent for holidays and birthdays. So what. Perhaps by consulting with the other parent on what they plan to buy for the child is actually a good thing. First off it's a great plan so you don't both buy the same things. Second of all, look forward to all the wonderful things your child will receive because you are a split family. Look at it as your child having a better holiday than if you were buying yourself. Your child will receive double the amount of holiday fun now. If your child comes home with a new expensive piece of clothing, simply say to them, "Oh I know you've really been wanting that, I'm glad you finally got it". Be happy for them.

Accept that not everything is in your control now. You both don't have to parent the same way. It's not the law. If your child is being cared for at both homes, don't turn petty things into huge issues. Perhaps your child eats canned food at dad's house and you feed only fresh organic food at your house. While you might think this is awful, at least your child is being fed. Maybe one parent sends the child in mismatched clothing, but clean clothing. At least that parent is providing a clean environment for the child. People aren't perfect. As long as a clean, safe, stable environment is being provided, don't sweat the small stuff.

Stop trying to save your image. Parenting is messy. No parent is a perfect parent. You might clean your entire home with bleach every day, your child might wear the best brands of clothing, there is still going to come a day when you mess up. Your child will forget their homework in their bedroom, or maybe even burn themselves on the stove, or even eat a booger when you aren't looking. No parent or child is perfect. Stop making the other parent feel awful when they aren't perfect either.

Children are going to try to turn you against the other parent. This is a famous defense mechanism for a child. They feel like they are in control in a crazy world when they do this. "Mom never plays with me", "Dad always goes out when I'm at his house". Stop buying into this. This ruins more co-parenting relationships than anything else. If you have deep concern, talk with the other parent. Even if they are doing something, they will likely deny it in fear of you flying off the handle. Honestly the only thing you really need to involve yourself in is if the child accuses the other parent of abuse, and there's evidence of this abuse. Even then remember, children can't always say what they mean to say. Perhaps your daughter comes home and says something to the effect of "dad hurt my butt". A sentence like that can make you jump to all sorts of conclusions. Perhaps the only thing that has happened is dad was holding your daughter, and she went to slip out of his arms, he caught her and it just happened to be he caught her by grabbing her rear. A perfectly innocent act has the potential to get a perfectly happy child removed from her dad. Or a really horrible set of investigations will happen, along with a lot of unwanted painful testing for the child. Just be careful what conclusions you draw from what your child is telling you.

Successful co-parenting relationships do not mean still loving or liking your ex spouse. They just mean you have to love your children. If successful interaction is impossible, do so through text or email. If you can't stand the sight of your ex spouse, choose a parent or relative to do child exchanges for you. When attending activities together, sit far apart. Still allow the other parent to give the child a hug and kiss or talk to the child at the activity. Children cannot thrive in stress. Being mean and nasty to the other parent creates stress for them. Always remember, "Love your child more than you hate your ex spouse".

http://ezinearticles.com/?Parenting-and-Divorce&id=9411543

6 Ways to Win Any Argument

... or at least, end it.

One of life’s most difficult emotional situations is the argument. Whether with someone you love, despise, or don’t even know, conflict can increase anxiety and blood pressure, if not your sense of discomfort. Some people go to great lengths to avoid conflict of any kind, while others seem ready to argue at a moment’s notice. If you’re somewhere in between, as most people are, you may prefer not to argue, but are prepared to do so when necessary.

The question then becomes how to make the argument go your way.

There's plenty of social-science research on conflict and conflict resolution. We know, for example, that in close relationships, there are ways to resolve conflict that improve a couple’s ability to remain together—and other ways that can threaten it.

I’d like to tackle the more general question of how to use what we know about conflict resolution to help you in any kind of dispute, not just one with a romantic partner or family member. I’ve borrowed some ideas from an insightful review by Israeli psychologist Eran Halperin (2014) concerning the roles of emotion and emotion regulation in conflict resolution. Although Halperin applies this model to political conflict, lessons from his work also apply to disputes that operate on a personal rather than global level.

Halperin bases the paper on the cognitive model of emotions, an approach that emphasizes how people’s appraisal or thoughts about a situation shape their feelings—for example, you’re most likely to feel afraid when you feel threatened, and to feel sad when you feel that you've lost something. Halperin points out that people’s appraisals can be influenced by the mass media, which can shape the views of people not directly involved in a situation. For example, you may not have personally known a celebrity who has died, but constant exposure to the loss through social media and news coverage can sadden you anyway.

In an argument, your appraisal that you’re losing, your belief that you need to be “right,” and the extent to which you like the other person can all have an impact on the emotions you experience. Extrapolating from Halperin’s model, which also emphasizes the impact of other people’s reactions (such as whether they support you), your emotions can also get aroused by the desire to gain the respect of onlookers—no one enjoys being made to look ignorant in front of others, and when you feel that you’re being made the fool, your outrage only increases. But the angrier you get, the less likely you are to win, because you lose the ability to stand your logical ground.

With these considerations in mind, here are 6 key argument-winning tools.

Keep in mind: Winning an argument doesn't necessarily mean being the only one who’s right. If your goal is to resolve a conflict, then to “win” might mean you “lose":

1. Know your facts. How many times have you made a claim about some piece of trivia only to realize, as soon as you've made that claim, that you’re completely wrong? Inevitably, someone challenges you, but because you don’t want to “lose,” you continue to stick to your guns. This is not an ideal way to win (or enter) an argument. In the TV show Psych, the lead character often says when challenged, unconvincingly, “I've heard it both ways.” Stop and think before you make such bloopers yourself, and you’ll be less likely to lose, whether the matter is trivia or a truly important career or relationship challenge.
2. Be ready to see the other person’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with a foe in order to see his or her perspective. However, if you want to win an argument, you do need to be able to see the world the way your opponent does. Stepping into the mental set of those you argue with allows you to figure out what’s influencing them. Perhaps they’re feeling threatened, anxious, or annoyed. Perhaps they know something that you don’t. In any case, showing empathy will lower the temperature of the debate and allow both of you to come to resolution.
3. If you can’t be open-minded, at least seem that way. Becoming defensive is one of the worst ways to win an argument. Don’t let your opponent sense that you’re digging into your position without being willing to consider alternatives. If you appear to be giving the other side’s position a thoughtful review, then the solution you propose will seem to be far more sensible. Furthermore, your opponent may come to your side without your having to do anything other than listen. By letting your opponent speak, you may allow the situation to naturally resolve itself.
4. Keep your emotions under control. From the Halperin review, it’s clear that emotions play an important role in conflict by altering how you appraise the situation. In addition, Halperin also pointed out that being able to regulate your emotions is equally important. If you lose your temper, you’ll only antagonize your opponent, which will further heighten his or her wrath, and the process can only escalate upwards. Don’t worry that you'll seem weak by becoming calm in the midst of an argument—you’ll gain points by showing that you can exercise self-control. Who knows, the argument may even end right then and there, once both of you take a more reasoned perspective.
5. Remain hopeful that the argument can be resolved. Arguments, by definition, involve negative emotions. In the midst of a screaming fest, it might be hard to see yourself coming out on the other side with your dignity intact. However, invoking the feeling of hope allows you to think more clearly, leading to the possibility that you’ll win by sheer force of logic. As Halperin points out, hope allows you to "come up with creative solutions to the disputes at the core of the conflict” (p. 71). In other words, you may see a way out of what seems to be a locked battle of wills once you believe that there is a way out. This is what happens in ordinary problem-solving, when thinking outside of the box can help all sides come up with a solution. Such an “aha” moment in an argument can lead you straight to victory.
6. Respect your opponent. Many arguments have no clear victors: You may get your way, but your relationship or situation is the worse for it. A successful argument within a relationship remains compartmentalized. Don’t let it lead to questioning the entire basis of the relationship. By the same token, don’t insult or degrade your opponent. Even if the individual is someone you’ll never see again, it’s still important to show that you meant “nothing personal” in the dispute.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/6-ways-win-any-argument