How to Handle the Estrangement of Friends

Have you ever fallen into the predicament of your friends staying aloof? What do you do? Read on for insights.

If your old friends estrange from you and no longer want to keep in touch with you, it's time to move on.

You should be on the lookout for new friends that are like-minded like the present you. You may have grown too far so that your old friends no longer serve you. Or, your friends may have leaped forward and made giant steps in their life so that they no longer desire to be your friend.

Whatever may be the case, it's time to form new circles and be part of new social groups.

As for me, I faced a similar problem recently. My old friends estranged from me. Presently I like to spend most of my time at home. So I have found solace in online communities. I have two such great communities. Let me describe them to you now because you may also benefit.

I write online articles on two sites including EzineArticles.com and share them with my subscribers' community in weekend newsletters including meaningful quotes. I ask them to forward the newsletter to friends and loved ones if they love it.

The other site I write is HubPages.com. Here I write more personal story articles usually with a moral line. And my subscribers love them as well. I have also got united with the community within the site where we read and comment on each other's articles and have loads of fun. We usually give good suggestions as well as constructive and positive feedback that raises the spirit of fellow writers. It is a good way to grow in writing arena.

After a while, I may think these communities don't serve me any longer because I have grown and matured further. So I may think of going back to a career in my field of expertise and find new colleagues to spend time with.

This is life. Nothing is permanent. You have got to change your friends and social circles from time to time as you leave your comfort zone and enter new territories.

Summing up, this is the message of my article: Have fun with your friends while they last. But don't break down when they outdistance you. Nothing will ever remain the same and neither will friends. So be brave, get up on your feet and explore new places both online and offline to meet new people and make them your current friends if you find them genuine, gracious and like-minded.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Handle-the-Estrangement-of-Friends&id=10261205

Don't Waste Your Pain - Use It To Grow

No one can avoid pain whether emotional or physical. Sooner or later we are all disappointed or hurt by others and experience some type of physical pain. Trust me - if you haven't yet - It's coming - you can count on it. No one is immune to life's desire and attempts to teach us, help us learn or yes, even punish us for our misdeeds, stupid decisions or dumb behaviors.

It's interesting how sometimes emotional pain can be worse than physical pain - I guess it just depends on the cause or source. So, let me just focus on some of the common issues, consequences, and actions we can take when it comes to the emotional stuff. As far as the physical stuff, make an appointment with your Doctor,

I'm not in that business however, it's been proven that a great deal of physical pain can be directly attributed to emotional issues - but that's for another time.

There are only two basic emotions - love and fear and all emotional pain comes from or is driven by the fear side, things like; anger, blame, regret, disappointment, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, hatred, suspicion, etc. So, the first question is - could there be or is there a common denominator in emotional pain regardless of the cause or source? Interesting question, let's take a brief look at this before we move on.

First, what is emotional pain?

"Some psychology researchers have described two types of pain. The first type is considered existential pain, or what one researcher calls "clean pain," which is the normal pain that comes with living an ordinary life. This pain comes from such common, but nevertheless painful, human experiences as losing a loved one; being diagnosed with a serious illness; experiencing abuse, humiliation, or degradation; or perceiving that we have failed at something we hoped would succeed. All humans experience this type of pain to some extent.

The second type of pain is considered neurotic, unnecessary, or "dirty pain." Neurotic pain is considered unnecessary or "dirty pain." This pain is pathological, unhealthy, and damaging, and stems from what we tell ourselves about the existential pain we experience. It can also be caused by unrealistic appraisals of ourselves, harsh judgments from others or the world and a consistently negative view of the world that is unaffected by any positive feedback or events. For people with depression, it is often this unnecessary pain that causes the most suffering. "

For the sake of saving time, I'm going to put most (but not all) emotional pain (that is self-inflicted and often unnecessary) in the dirty pain section.

Another way to look at this is to think of pain like a traffic or roadside sign helping you to reach your destination as quickly, safely and easily as possible. If the sign ahead said one way - I'll bet you wouldn't head in the wrong direction and why, well DUH - you would probably have an accident.

Emotional pain can do the same - help you avoid life mistakes, wrong direction and even associating with the wrong people or organizations but only if we choose to pay attention to the signals and then abide by them, honor them or just do what our inner voice is telling us to do or nor to do.

What are some of these signals and what could the outcomes be if they are ignored? Well first, what are they?

Stress is one of the common ones as stress is not the cause of the pain but the outcome of it when the signals we are given by the pain are ignored. Ever had a panic or anxiety attack? I have and it ain't pretty. It's like having a heart attack. Sweat, nervousness, loss of bearings, feeling totally out of control etc.

A few of the common emotional signals (that can take physical form) we can get are things like - trouble sleeping, loss of attention or control, little things distract you, itching, stomach issues, soreness, heartburn, indecision, headaches, migraines, fears of all kinds and for no apparent reason. So, let me repeat, these emotional signals can be both physical and mental in nature.

Let me give you a quick personal example.

Many years ago, I was offered a full time very high position by a client. It was lucrative, filled with great potential and I was more than qualified. At the same time, as a full-time speaker for several years I was still struggling to get my career into high gear. During a period of several weeks I kept weighing the options - pro and con - to taking it. Here's the kicker. Every time I was moving emotionally toward accepting it my stomach began to feel queasy and almost painful. When I let go of this tendency to accept it and focused on staying the course in my current career and business these symptoms quickly went away.

Let me ask you, regardless of the choice, decision or option - ever had a similar situation? Feeling it now due to a choice, opportunity or consequence that is facing you?

Is there an answer to emotional pain regardless if it was from a loss of a position or job, the loss of a loved one, having an important (from your perspective) email ignored or getting dumped after a few dates?

Here are a few things to consider in no order.

Ask yourself - what am I supposed to or can I learn from this?

Ask yourself - what is this trying to teach me.

Accept the fact that God (if you are a non-believer this one will have no meaning or benefit for you) doesn't punish us with stuff but allows stuff to help us learn. My first reaction to everything I don't like or want and even stuff I do is - OK, God - what are you up to with this?

Keep in mind that all of life's experiences are teachers trying to teach us about ourselves and not necessarily the situation or other people. (I was given three children for them to teach me not for me to teach them.)

Ask yourself - is this the first time this lesson has come to me or is it repeating because I have failed to learn from previous situations and if so - why?

Spend more time in prayer, meditation, quiet introspection and/or, nature.

Turn off technology and the outside world and just listen to yourself.

See the potential humor in everything.

Spend time listening to your favorite music.

There are numerous other tasks and/or activities you can do that can help you through the weeds of negative life circumstances that can cause pain but the most important one is the decision not to let outside circumstances or people take control of you.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Waste-Your-Pain---Use-It-To-Grow&id=9724632

True-Self: Why Do Some People Lose Themselves Around Others?

When one is in touch with themselves and they feel safe enough to express who they are, there will be no reason for them to put on an act. How they come across on the outside is going to match up with who they are on the inside.

Now and Then

Or, if they do put on act, it is going to be something that rarely takes place. As a result of this, it is going to be a lot easier for them to handle the moments when they are unable to be themselves.

There can be times when they are unable to maintain their sense of self, and other times when it is necessary for them to play a role. If their life was under threat, for instance, one could lose themselves momentarily, or if they were at work, they might have to act in a way that doesn't reflect who they are.

Relationships

When one spends time with their friends, it will be normal for them to be themselves. Their behaviour will be governed by what is taking place within them, as opposed to what is going on externally.

Now, this is not to say that one will lack empathy, and that they won't be able to tune into what is going on for someone else. What it means is that they won't end up losing themselves and acting as though they are an extension of someone else.

An Important Ability

One can then put themselves in another person's shoes without having to completely absorb what they are going through. Through being this way, they can stay in their own body and not get drawn into another person's experience.

Is it then going to be a lot easier of them to assist someone, and they won't end up taking on their problems. If one was to absorb what other people go through, it would be the same as one joining someone in a boat that is already sinking.

An Individual

When this doesn't happen, there will be no need for one to get in the boat; they will be able to instruct them on what they can do to get out of the boat. And, as one won't have the tendency to lose themselves around their friends, this area of their life is likely to be very fulfilling.

One will be able to fulfil their need to be seen for who they are, and the positive feedback that they get from others will actually mean something. If, on the other hand they were playing a role, it wouldn't mean anything.

Boundaries

What this is going to show is that one has good boundaries, and this is why they feel safe enough to be themselves. If this wasn't the case, it wouldn't matter if they were in touch with what is taking place within them.

As one is not here to live another person's life, it could be said that one will be living in the right way. However, while this can be seen as the ideal way to experience life, there are going to be a plenty of people who can't relate to this.

Another Experience

When one can't relate to this experience, it is going to mean that they are used to losing themselves around other people. This can be something that will take place no matter who they are around.

One is then going to disconnect from their own needs and feelings, and they will end up playing a role. This could be a role that someone else wants them to play, or it could be one that they think another person's wants them to play.

Automatic

This is not to say that one will think about what role they need to play before they meet someone, or that they will spend time rehearsing a certain role. The reason for this is that one is likely to end up playing a role when they are around others.

Who they are will end up being covered up, and they will be nothing more than an actor. So, when they receive positive feedback from others, it might not have anything to do with who they are.

False Empathy

And as one is unable to maintain their sense of self around others, it could be normal for one to take on other people's problems. When they are around someone who is going through a hard time, one could absorb what they are going through.

It could then seem as though one is empathising with what they are going through; yet, it might be more accurate to say that one has simply merged with them. One lacks boundaries, and this is why they are taking on another person's problems.

Wide Open

It is then not that one necessarily cares about what the other person is going through; it is that this is something that just happens. If they were to behave differently, it is likely to cause them to feel uncomfortable.

Playing a role or taking on other people's problems is then something that feels safe. If one felt as though it was safe enough for them to be themselves, there would be no reason for them to behave in this way.

Confusion

It might be hard for one to understand why they are experiencing life in this way. Nevertheless, what it can come down to is that took place during their early years.

This may have been a time when were abused and/or neglected, and this would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way. What would have felt safe would have been to play a role and to do what other people wanted.

Awareness

Through having these early experiences, there is the chance that one will be carrying a lot of trauma. And as they didn't get the kind of care that they needed, they can see themselves as being nothing more than an extension of other people.

If they received what they needed during this time, it would have allowed them to grow into an interdependent human being. In order for one to change their life, they might need to work with a therapist or a healer.

http://ezinearticles.com/?True-Self:-Why-Do-Some-People-Lose-Themselves-Around-Others?&id=9688539

4 Ways to Have a Meaningful Conversation

I never really thought much about if the conversations I were having everyday were meaningful or not. Not until recently did I really take a step back and focus on what I was conversing about on a daily basis. In order to grow in your relationships you have to have those meaningful conversations, get to really know the person you're talking to; their wants, needs, hopes, fears, and dreams. When I thought about all the people I care about and who I talk to on a daily basis, I'm not sure I can say that I know them on that level. Life is too short for bland and boring conversations; get to know those you admire on a deeper level.

1. Stop gossiping

The old saying goes, if you don't have anything good to say about no one do say anything at all. Sadly when I think of past conversations I've had with my girlfriends, I can think of a few that were centered on gossip. Gossip doesn't make you feel good, if anything it makes you feel worse about yourself. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Talk less about others and more about ideas, events, dreams etc. It's time to STOP talking about someone else, put the focus on each other, and THINK before you speak,

T - is it true?

H - is it helpful?

I - is it inspiring?

N - is it necessary?

K - is it kind?

"What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than Sally"

2. Put down the phone

We live in a world where our lives are centered around social media. People feel more comfortable texting their friends, loved ones than they do actually talking to them in person. This baffles me that it has come to this. How can you have a meaningful conversation with someone when you are busy checking out the Instagram pic of Lucy's selfie. For most it is a reflex to pick up the phone every few minutes or so, believe me nothing life changing has happened in the last two minutes on social media. Be present in your conversations. Put your phone in your purse or pocket and don't check it until your conversation is over. This is a challenge I know, but you will not regret it.

3. Look them in the eyes

We all have done it; passed a stranger when walking and looked down instead of at them. But we aren't just doing this to people we don't know, but to those we do. I am guilty of this and it is something I am working on to change. When I tell someone my feelings for them it's easier to look at anything else than in their eyes. But your message won't mean as much unless you are truly connected with that person. Look people in the eyes and don't be afraid or intimidated to do so. You can get to know a lot about someone just by looking at them. Research shows that people are more likely to tell you the truth if you look them in the eyes. Why? Because it makes them feel you are trustworthy. I want people to know they can trust me.

"Eye contact is more intimate than words will ever be."

4. Tell the truth

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Humans are deceptive beings. A lot of times it's much easier to lie than tell the truth. It is much easier to agree with someone than disagreeing in fear you might start an argument. Let me tell you something, having different opinions than your friends or loved ones is GOOD! This is a great base for a conversation starter. A healthy banter opens your mind to other views and helps you accept the different opinion. You have more respect for one another, information and knowledge can be shared between the two of you without any judgment being passed. It feels good to share your passion with others and to get their truthful and positive feedback. This will help you grow as a person and in your relationships as well.

http://ezinearticles.com/?4-Ways-to-Have-a-Meaningful-Conversation&id=9320150

How to Sharpen Your Sixth Sense

What we know without knowing how we know it.

I was a nerdy kid who got bullied a lot. So, even after I grew to an athletic six feet at 16, I still got nervous whenever I encountered a tough-looking guy. I’d feel the anxiety in my solar plexus as a highly unpleasant, low-level electric shock that wouldn’t stop. It was as if my body expected a blow to the stomach and tensed up to lessen the impact.

In the summer before my senior year of high school, I was checking into a dorm at summer school in San Diego when the anxious “about-to-be-bullied” gut sensation seized me. A tall, muscular boy about my age had gotten in line behind me. The broad, flat planes of his face belonged to a stereotypical movie thug. His flattened nose, clearly broken and never reset, reinforced the impression that he spelled trouble.

Then a smile lit up his face when a close friend came through the door. The smile was genuine, glowing with warmth. His eyes twinkled with mischief and mirth as he playfully “slugged” his buddy. Immediately the tension in my gut drained away, quickly replaced by a light, joyful feeling. Somehow I sensed that this boy was not only “safe” but would probably be a good friend before the summer was over.

My instant intuition turned out to be spot-on: Greg was smart, funny, humble, and shared many of my interests. Despite looking tough, he was one of the most gentle people I’d ever met.

All of this I had grasped the instant he’d first smiled.

In a previous blog post (“Yes, you do have a sixth sense and you should trust it”) I explained that such intuitions arise from a neural process called “implicit learning.” Somewhere in my 16 years on the planet I had unconsciously learned to associate warm smiles with warm hearts. This learning was implicit, in that I’d never consciously focused on people’s smiles or linked their smiles to their character, but somehow the connection sank in. And this implicit knowledge was able to instantly calm my gut, without me having to think about it.

In other words, it was a perfect example of the "sixth sense"—important things we know without knowing how we know them.

As great a gift as our sixth sense is, it’s far from perfect—and like many things, its greatest strength is also its greatest weakness. Our sixth sense is basically unconsciously learned knowledge that drives fast, unconscious action—with the emphasis on fast.

Our distant ancestors had to react instantly to life-or-death threats without taking time to think, so our brains evolved hyper-fast input-output linkages.

But in many realms of human performance, the faster we perform a task, the more errors we're prone to make. Hundreds of experiments in perception and cognition have shown that haste makes waste when it comes to tasks like deciding if two objects are the same or different, noticing small details in a cluttered visual field, or movements that require precision.

Chabris and Simons cite a famous example of the pitfalls of perceptual speed in their book The invisible Gorilla. These Harvard-trained psychologists conducted famous experiments in which observers focused on counting how many times basketballs were passed among several students failed to notice a man in a gorilla suit

(link is external)

 walk into the scene.

Missing something as obvious as a gorilla is an example of what Chabris and Simons call inattention blindness: We miss things that we don’t take time to look for.

The gorilla experiment is also a good example of how we tend to see things we expect and don’t see things we don’t expect. Although expectation can greatly speed up our response time (we answer a phone faster if we are waiting for the call) it often leads to errors of both omission and commission

      Paris

     In the

 The spring

Many people fail not to notice the extra “the” because they already know what the phrase says.

Below is an error of commission: Our brains fill in colors between the lines that aren’t really there, because it “expects” there to be colors between the lines. Our brain also fools us into seeing a square (outline of colored contours) where there is none.

Source: Copyright Eric Haseltine

These mistakes are harmless, but some of our fast judgments can get us in to real trouble. For example, we tend to think that people who sound very confident are making correct statements because we’ve learned to associate confidence with correctness.

But the “con” in “con man” stands for “confidence.” Sociopathic criminals are masters at exploiting our sixth-sense intuitions by faking genuineness and confidence. Skilled politicians do this as well—and some would call them sociopaths, too.

By becoming aware of the errors our sixth-sense intuitions, we can get in the habit of performing “quality controls” that tell us when to trust our hyper-fast intuitions and when to double-check them.

Psychologists have identified over 100 “cognitive biases”

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 that make our brains prone to errors when making snap judgments. 

I have found that performing “quality control” on just a handful of such biases is most useful in everyday life. Here are three fast rules of thumb for validating fast first impressions.

We tend to quickly perceive...

• ...things we are focusing on but not things we are not focusing on.
• ...things we expect to see, but not things we don’t expect to see.
• ...things we want to see, but not things we do not want to see. (We are more prone to accept positive feedback about our character, for example, than negative feedback.)

So when accuracy of judgment really, really matters—selecting a mate, hiring a new employee, testifying about a crime—ask yourself three hard questions before acting:

1. Was I paying close attention to something else at the time?
2. Did I expect to perceive what I perceived?
3. Did I want to perceive what I perceived?

If your honest, objective answer is “No” to these questions, then your fast sixth sense is likely correct. If it's “yes," then adopt the carpenter’s adage of “measure twice, cut once.” Because your brain will unconsciously remember the linkage between what you perceive vs. what actually happens on different occasions, improving the accuracy of snap judgments with my three-question quality control will cause your brain to automatically accumulate better implicit knowledge about the validity of your implicit knowledge.

In other words. . . Use your sixth sense to improve your sixth sense!

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/long-fuse-big-bang/201601/how-sharpen-your-sixth-sense

Why You May Be Terrible At Giving Feedback

Last year, I wrote about the mistakes that managers commonly make in giving feedback. I discussed how nuanced the process can be as we navigate the amount of directness, specificity, setting, and our own desired outcomes. I’m in a conversation about feedback nearly every day, trying to help people develop strategies to provide it to direct reports, peers, and even up the chain. No matter the level, we all struggle with how to give it. (And just when we think we have it figured out, someone comes along who tests our theories.)

For this post, I’d like to focus not on strategies, but on ourselves. Most of us simply hate giving feedback. Until we can get our heads around our own issues concerning feedback – many of them coming from a benevolent, albeit unhelpful, place – we will always struggle.

Here are some reasons why providing feedback can be so difficult. See what resonates for you.

1. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

By far, this is the #1 reason we resist giving feedback. Yes, being sensitive to employees’ feelings is a good thing, and it’s much better than the alternative. Yet all too often, we let regular constructive feedback go, in order to assuage our own feelings about conflict. Worse, the longer we put off providing constructive feedback, the hairier the issue can become until we have to deliver very tough news.

If this is you, here are two things to consider. First, while few people love negative feedback, they’d rather have it than not know. Consider yourself: wouldn’t you prefer to be made aware of an issue early when you can correct it? People are far sturdier than we treat them. Most people want constructive feedback. In fact, unhappy employees often cite lack of feedback as a reason they’re looking to leave their jobs.

Second, if we can get in the habit of providing regular, incremental feedback (both positive and negative), then it becomes much less of a big deal and more of a part of your team culture. We react most to what’s unusual. If you receive constructive feedback each week in your meetings with your boss, for example, you are prepared for it.

2. We’re concerned that the feedback might be taken the wrong way. 

In our heads, we imagine that despite our best efforts, some people will inevitably take any feedback the wrong way. It can be difficult to tell if the recipient will digest the feedback as personal criticism, or if they will respond positively.

A way to manage this in the moment is to simply state your intention up front: “I’m telling you this because you have great skills and I don’t want this to get in your way.” It’s also helpful to ask the person to reflect back their thoughts and what they heard, which allows you to correct any misunderstandings promptly.

Senior Lecturer at the Harvard Business School, Robert C. Pozen, provides guidelines for giving not-so-fun feedback: “Of course, there are situations when a manager must provide negative feedback. On these occasions, don’t lose sight of your purpose for offering that feedback: to improve the employee’s performance going forward.”

3. We forget to give positive feedback.

It’s not only tough feedback that trips us up. Turns out, we’re not great at giving positive feedback either. We forget or don’t think people need it. But feedback, positive and constructive, provides a GPS to adapt our behavior in real time.

Positive feedback also helps keep the negative in perspective. People respond more strongly to negative interactions than positive ones. A 2005 study found that the “relationship between negative events and mood was approximately five times stronger than that between positive events and mood, even though positive events were reported three to five times more frequently than negative events.”  

In other words, negative events stick out, even if they are more infrequent than positive ones.

4. We’re not sure what the effects of our feedback will be. 

We may be concerned whether the feedback we’re providing will improve the behavior or worsen it. We don’t want to demotivate someone, or cause them to leave entirely.

The key here is to provide actionable feedback.  Be specific with what you want the employee to achieve and set goals.  

Equally important, be sure to keep a check on the person. Feedback isn’t a one-and-done situation. People process feedback – especially the critical kind. Keep in the conversation to ensure that the person is moving in a positive direction.

5. We don’t know how to approach it.

Finding the right approach to feedback can be what stops us from giving it – especially with so many other items on our plates. Having a model to guide you can be helpful. I like MIT’s simple, effective four-step model for giving feedback:

1. Provide context for the topic at hand. Be as specific and timely as possible.
2. Describe the behavior for them. Paint a picture as if you’re retelling a video recording but avoid drawing conclusions.
3. Explain the impact of their behavior. What were the results of the behavior, positive and negative?
4. Discuss clear next steps for how the behavior should be improved or altered. Explain the importance of changing the behavior and the positive results it will bring about.

http://kristihedges.com/2015/02/19/may-terrible-giving-feedback/