Re-Establishing Intimacy After an Argument or a Separation

What follows from this advice applies to disconnection in relationships, no matter how deep and no matter how long it has persisted. Whether your relationship becomes periodically disconnected in the heat of a moment or you have resorted to a full-blown legal separation, you can employ these techniques to get back to firmer ground with each other. In fact, it is very important for you to see how both of these types of disconnection (of vast disparity) can shine light and wisdom on each other.

What I have found is that it is very typical for the most disconnected couples to have an urge to try to expend a level of energy in proportion to the magnitude of the distance. Couples that have minor spats tend to employ subtle and healthier techniques to get back on firmer ground, at least in relation to the amount of energy exerted. Imagine that you were once at the peak of Mt. Everest and had to leave due to stormy conditions. You will feel the urge to be immediately back up at the position that you left off at before things forced you to leave. Well, in the most severe cases of disconnection, many individuals actually try to kick-start their relationship by skipping all the way to the final step, they try to behave as if nothing had happened and tried to jump instantly back into sexual intimacy and behaviors that are characteristic of a more established relationship. The problem is that love is built like a pyramid, and building a pyramid from the top down is demanding that the laws of physics be suspended for a moment of time. Regardless of the disconnection, we have to take a particular approach towards rebuilding intimacy.

This brings us to what I call Layering. Layering is a communication technique, but more than that; it gives you a mental picture of the structure being built or rebuilt. Use of this technique is a much more obvious foundational principle to employ, as you can practically witness the results of the communicative effort. If your effort fails, you can see it (visibly in your mind) and not proceed too far, as a result.

So what is Layering Then?

Layering is a technique that allows individuals to assess gradually the state of the relationship. It is also a technique that you can use for every single communication with your partner although it is employed a bit differently when the relationship is solid. When you are looking to rebuild a connection in your relationship, you have first to assess the situation. Just as a fire has different causes, you have to use the appropriate fire extinguisher, so that you may put out the flame, while not making it spread further. Layering assists in the assessment, and the rebuilding.

You will employ Layering by beginning first with surface issues or surface observations. It could be something as simple as:

You: "I really enjoyed that meal."

Your partner: "That's nice."

What you will notice in this example is that the response to your first layer did not really add anything to the structure of the foundation. In light of this, what is your next course of action? Well, it sure would not be to rush towards asking them to the bedroom or asking them on a date. There is not sufficient connectedness to support these deeply intimate activities. You have to stay at the surface level until your partner adds to the structure. This does not mean that you should run off and play victim. This does not mean that you should ignore them or give a cold shoulder. You have to stay persistent in this effort, regardless of your perceptions of them and your feelings of being taken for granted. After all, you want a strong relationship, so your words and efforts have to follow your intent.

So what would it look like if your partner added a layer to the structure?

You: "I really enjoyed that meal."

Your partner: "I know, it's my favorite."

In this, there has been some actual input from your partner, and this can leave you both feeling a bit more connected. Now that there are two layers (yours and theirs), you can add to it with a more intimate response. The idea is to become progressively closer and to do this you have to be a bit adventurous, as you are casting a line out into the water and waiting for your partner to catch it. It can feel rather disappointing if your partner disregards your communication, especially if you made an attempt at a hail mary, by jumping the gun. Keep this endeavor gradual, so that if they don't reciprocate, you have firm ground very close to you. When you make a hail mary, trying to skip steps, you will find that there is no structure under you, causing you to fall a long way, and experience a great amount of emotional hurt.

The next layer:

You: "We should make that meal again sometime soon."

Your partner: "That would be great."

Then:

You: "But maybe we could eat out tomorrow evening."

Your partner: "I don't feel like going out."

So you see that you have established two complete layers of communication, being progressively more intimate. In this example, you tried to establish the third layer, and it was not supported. But, you still have the second layer to support the relationship upon. You will continue communicating at this level until level three is established. As the levels progress, they become more intimate, involving emotional elements, rather than simple observations. Your partner does not have to reciprocate. Your partner does not have to escalate to higher levels, and in fact, pushing the issue with force will only push them away.

Remember to use this advice whether there is a problem in the relationship, or whether you are just trying to maintain that connection. If you fail to give an adequate response to your partner, you are disallowing the communicative effort to progress. Additionally, it can make your partner feel as if they are not validated. Layer your way to relationship success.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Re-Establishing-Intimacy-After-an-Argument-or-a-Separation&id=9367563

Why Narcissists, Manipulators & Psychopaths Get Power

               
Do you work with someone who is toxic, but who nevertheless seems to rise through the ranks faster than everyone else? To the point that you doubt that the world is a fair place that rewards good instead of bad?

Is this person:

• Narcissistic: charming, and would do just about anything to look good in order advance themselves?
• Manipulative: skilled at getting people to do what they want, sometimes by lying or forming alliances?
• Anti-social: lacking empathy for others or remorse for their actions?

If so, you're not alone. In a recent report in the Journal of Organizational Behavior, researchers found that people who have the “Dark Triad” of personality traits — narcissism, manipulation, and psychopathy — may advance their careers more quickly than those who do not.

If you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. Someone who is narcissistic believes that they are great, and will put their own needs and desires above all else. Someone who is manipulative knows how to get what they want. And someone who is a psychopath isn’t weighed down by regret or consideration of others.

So, at first blush, it would make sense that people with the Dark Triad could relentlessly climb up the corporate ladder.

The good news is that the same traits that got these people to the top may be their very undoing. At some point, Dark Triad leaders need to build strong relationships in order to get things done, and they simply cannot.

For example, I coached a Dark Triad CEO who started his company based on a great idea and good connections. However, now that the company is up and running, his employees fear him and feel demoralized. He can’t retain top talent, and his company is faltering.

The fact that a Dark Triad leader is eventually headed for demise is likely a small consolation, however, if you currently work with one of these people on a daily basis.

Aside from working with HR to get the person removed, which may not always be possible, here are some ways you can deal with Dark Triad leaders so that their toxicity impacts you as minimally as possible.

1. Stay true to your values.

At some point, your Dark Triad coworker might try to convince you to ally with them. They might be charming, flattering, and know all of the best ways to convince you. Before working with them, take a moment to remind yourself of what you stand for. What do you value? How do you want to be "known" in the workplace? Does this new proposition align with that? If it doesn’t, then stay away.

2. Play the long game.

Dark Triad leaders are great at short-term gains, but as we all know, life is long. Instead of getting stung by the immediate drama around that person, think about what you need to build in the long run in order to have a successful career: keen expertise, strong relationships, and a reputation for being a kind, trustworthy, honest person. Your Dark Triad coworker may make your life miserable in the short term, but you will be the one standing when they eventually implode.

3. Pay attention to their past.

Sometimes it’s hard to determine if someone is a Dark Triad coworker or not. After all, they are charming and manipulative, so they can be quite appealing at times. Even if you can’t see their negative traits for yourself, look at their past.

• Do they have multiple burnt bridges?
• Do they have a list of “bad people” who they disdain?
• Do they never acknowledge their role in failures from the past?
• Do people from their past not speak highly of them, and never come back for coffee?

If the answer to many of these questions is “yes,” then you should be suspicious.

4. Speak and act as if everyone were watching.

One of the tactics that Dark Triad leaders employ is to use gossip, back-stabbing, and shifting alliances to get what they want. Don’t get caught in their games, because anything you say or do may be eventually used against you. If you speak and act as if everyone could hear, then you'll stay above any eventual frays.

5. Document everything.

Save every toxic email, and make note of occasions when the Dark Triad person says or does something that crosses the line of what is professional. Get as much as you can in writing. Put it all in a folder somewhere, and then let it go. This serves two purposes: (1) you will have evidence if it’s ever needed for HR or legal reasons, and (2) you can symbolically cleanse yourself of the person by putting their words and deeds far away from you.

6. Don’t take it personally.

It can sting to be manipulated, used, or disregarded. But don’t take it personally. Dogs bite, bees sting, and Dark Triad people poison. It's just what they do.

7. Be inspired by them.

Yes, you heard me right. What I have found is that these Dark Triad traits, when taken in small doses, can be positive. Manipulation can be a great skill for navigating complex situations to achieve goals. Narcissism can rally people to believe in a vision. Lacking guilt means that you aren’t weighed down by regret or remorse, so you can pick yourself up quickly after failures and charge forward. These are all good things if they are done to benefit yourself AND others.

Do you have a Dark Triad coworker in your life? Which of these strategies will you use to deal with them? Write me a note and share!

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15440/why-narcissists-manipulators-psychopaths-get-power.html

Happy Thoughts: Here are the things proven to make you happier:

What’s the secret to a head full of happy thoughts?

Time to round up the research on living a happy life to see what we can use.

First, yeah, a good chunk of happiness is controlled by your genes but there’s a lot you can do to make yourself happier. Many of these techniques have been repeatedly tested and even worked with the clinically depressed.

Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude

I can’t emphasize this one enough. Showing gratitude for the good things you have is the most powerful happiness boosting activity there is.

It will make you happier.

It will improve your relationships.

It can make you a better person.

It can make life better for everyone around you.

Bronze medallists are happier than silver medallists. Why? They feel grateful to get a medal at all.

Every night before you go to bed write three good things that happened to you that day. Jotting those down is pretty much all it takes to get a boost in well-being over time.

There’s a second lesson here: the reverse is also true. Keeping track of the bad things will make you miserable. A convenient memory is a powerful thing. Do not train your brain to see the negative, teach it to see the positive.

Wanna make yourself and someone else extremely happy? Try a gratitude visit. Write someone a letter thanking them and telling them how much what they have done for you means. Visit them and read it in person. It’s a proven happiness WMD. 

Do what you are good at as often as you can

“Signature strengths” are the things you are uniquely good at and using them increases happy thoughts. Exercising signature strengths is why starving artists are happier with their jobs.

Think about the best possible version of yourself and move toward that. Signature strengths are the secret to experiencing more “flow” at work and in life.

Spend as much time as possible with people you like

Spend as much time as possible with people you like. The happiest people are social with strong relationships. Not spending more time with people we love is something we regret the most.

Being able to spend more time with friends provides an increase in happiness worth up to an additional $133,000 a year. 

Being compassionate makes us happier (causal, not correlative.) Share the best events of your day with loved ones and ask them to do the same. And compliment them — we love compliments more than money or sex.

But I’m an introvert, you say? A little bit of extraversion here would do you good. Happiness is more contagious than unhappiness so with amount of exposure to others, well-being scales.

Money is good. Many other things are better.

After about 75K a year, money has minimal effects on happiness. Read that again. Not that money won’t increase happiness but if you want to be happier, your time and energy are better spent elsewhere. It will not increase your moment to moment mood.

The Amish are as satisfied as billionaires and slum dwellers can be surprisingly happy. The happiest of all income groups is people making 50-75k a year. Money is good but wanting money can be bad.

Give

Giving makes us happier than receiving. In fact, it can create a feedback loop of happiness in your life. Volunteering makes us happier and can therefore be the most selfless way to be selfish.

Helping others reach their goals brings joy. Doing nice things for others today can literally make you happier for the rest of the week.

Savour

Take time to really enjoy the good things. What are the best ways to savour?

• Positive mental time travel: Happy memories or looking forward to something
• Being present: Not letting your mind wander and being absorbed in the moment.

Savouring is one of the secrets of the happiest people. Focusing on the limited time you have in this life is a good way to remind you to savour what is important.

Strive

You don’t usually do what brings you joy, you do what is easy. Set ambitious goals and strive. Thinking about what happens to you in terms of your self-esteem will crush you — look at life as growing and learning.

Sitting on the couch watching TV does not make you happy. You are happier when you are busy and probably have more fun at work than at home. Thinking and working can beat sad feelings. A wandering mind is not a happy mind. Mastering skills is stressful in the short term and happiness-boosting in the long term.

Be optimistic, even to the border of delusion

Optimism is key. Yes, pessimism softens the blow of bad news but it isn’t worth it.

Does this make you out of touch with reality? Maybe but being a little deluded is good:

• People with positive illusions about their relationship are more satisfied, score higher on love and trust and have fewer problems.

• Overconfidence increases productivity and improves teamwork.

• “Self-deception has been associated with stress reduction, a positive self-bias, and increased pain tolerance, all of which could enhance motivation and performance during competitive tasks.“

Love means being slightly deluded. Happy people believe their partner is a little more awesome than they really are. Someone you think is great who also thinks you’re great — it’s one of the primary things you should look for in a marriage partner.

Thinking happy thoughts, giving hugs and smiling sound like unscientific hippie silliness but they all work.

Fundamentals are fundamental

Cranky? Before you blame the world, eat something. Take a nap — it can purge negative emotions and increase happy thoughts. Sleep is vital because your mood in the morning affects your mood all day.

Get your sleep. You cannot get away with cheating yourself on sleep and being tired makes it harder to be happy.

Frequency beats intensity

Lots of little good things is the path to happiness. You want frequent boosts not rare big stuff. (And this explains the best method of how to split a dinner bill with friends.) For the most part, don’t bother to try and reduce the bad so much as you increase the good.

Stop thinking about big events that might make you thrilled — it’s the little things of everyday life that make lasting improvements to our happiness. You’re not going to win the lottery and it wouldn’t have the impact you think it would.

Avoid life’s most common regrets

We know what people most often regret before they die:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

There are things you can do every day to improve your life.

http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/here-are-the-things-that-are-proven-to-make-y/