Does Your Life Feel Alive And Meaningful? (By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.)

Vera sought out counseling with me because her doctor advised her to discover the emotional causes of her chronic fatigue. Vera, a successful stockbroker, was in a loving 18-year marriage. On the surface, everything in her life was fine. She had enough money, friends and a good relationship with her husband. Yet Vera awoke each morning battling fatigue and depression. She didn't want to get out of bed because nothing felt meaningful to her.

David sought my help because of chronic feelings of inner emptiness. David is very successful in his manufacturing business, has a good marriage and two adult children. Like Vera, everything seemed fine. Yet the feelings of inner emptiness drove David to overeat, overspend and indulge in porn on the Internet. Like Vera, nothing felt meaningful to him.

While both Vera and David were successful in their careers, neither loved their work. They worked to make money, but their work held little meaning for them. Yet when they looked inside, neither could discover what was meaningful for them. Both reported that they had never experienced a sense of meaningfulness in their adult lives, and that the emptiness and depression had been with them since adolescence.

As I worked with each of them, it became evident that they had made a decision early in their lives to shut down their feelings to avoid the deep pain of unbearable loneliness and heartbreak. Vera shut down because she was unable to tolerate the loneliness of her mother's behavior toward her. Her mother would say she loved Vera, but Vera never felt her love. Instead, she felt her mother energetically pulling at her, trying to suck the life out of her. As a very sensitive child, Vera could not tolerate this confusing experience, so she put her feelings in a box and decided to live from her head instead of her heart.

David, also a very sensitive child, shut down because he was unable to tolerate the loneliness of being with two emotionally unavailable empty parents, and the heartbreak of rejection from peers.

As adults, both Vera and David were still shut down to their feelings. They were still afraid of feeling the pain of loneliness and heartbreak - feelings that are actually everyday facts of life. Loneliness is present when your heart is closed or another's heart is closed, or when there is no one with whom to share love. Loneliness is the primary feeling when we want to connect with another and the other is unavailable. Heartbreak can occur when others who are important to you are unloving to you. If you were completely open to your feelings, you would likely feel moments of loneliness and heartbreak or heartache throughout the day. However, many people shut themselves off from these feelings, completely unaware of them. Instead, the moment there is a twinge of emotional pain, they turn to various addictions and addictive behaviors, such as substances, activities, rumination, shame and blame. The problem with this is that when we shut out pain, we also shut out joy and a passionate sense of meaning and purpose.

Pain and joy are in the same place in the heart. Neither Vera nor David could discover what had meaning for them and what would bring them joy while keeping a lid on their feelings. The very act of keeping their hearts closed to their feelings was creating their depression and inner emptiness.

Imagine that your feelings are like a child within you. If you ignore this child - by ignoring your feelings - he or she feels abandoned. Our refusal to be in Step One of our inner work process - to feel and take responsibility for our own pain - is an inner abandonment and results in anxiety, depression and inner emptiness.

It is your child within - your feeling self - that has the blueprint for what has meaning for you, for your passion and purpose. Each of us comes to this life with a deep purpose to express, and when we don't express it, we end up feeling empty and depressed. Yet we cannot discover our purpose when we keep a lid on our feelings.

Learning to manage the pain of loneliness and heartbreak is essential to discovering your passion and purpose.

There is no way of managing loneliness and heartbreak without a deep and personal connection to a spiritual source of love and wisdom. We cannot manage these feelings from our mind alone.

You will find deep meaning in your life when you decide to practice our healing process - opening to and learning from your feelings of loneliness and heartbreak, rather than continuing to shut them down. And you will open to these feelings only when you do not feel alone inside - when you begin experiencing the love and wisdom of your spiritual Guidance. Opening to Divine Love and opening to your feelings will bring you the fullness, joy, passion and purpose that are the yearnings of your soul.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Does-Your-Life-Feel-Alive-And-Meaningful?&id=9448386

Apply These 3 Simple Rules to a New Undertaking and Ward Off Failure and Heartbreak

You're starting something new and interesting but have you painstakingly thought it through? If you haven't, I strongly suggest that you continue reading.

Free Advice: Apply the following 3 points of introspection to your new venture or your new situation now, before you move it forward, in order to provide clarity and transparency for you and anyone else going along for the ride.

This exercise is valid for a new personal relationship as well as a new business venture, a new partnership or a new corporate position. The degree of research and the pursuit of the facts may not be as intense as it would be for a new business venture or a new career move but the objective is the same.

The Objective: This exercise is about giving you the opportunity to see what's possibly coming at you and giving you the time and ability to modify or change your course of action in order to protect yourself or better position yourself:

1- "Accept the fact that your life will change"

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you can take charge of." Jim Rohn

Any time you're going to make modifications or adjustments in your life, the change process kicks in. That's guaranteed.

You must also accept the fact that you're never the only one affected by these changes.

There exists a phenomenon that I've dubbed the "Ripple Effect Conundrum."

The Simple Definition: Whatever actions you take on a particular day will not only affect you, it will affect many more people on that day, the next day and possibly for years to come. There are no mechanisms or resources to determine the impact or influence of your actions on the future.

The Caveat: Shortcuts are forbidden. Do your homework. Proceed with great caution.

Change is inevitable. Change comes of its own volition or change occurs when prompted by your actions. Either way change is coming no matter what happens. Change begets change.

Change is a state of potentiality. You owe it to yourself to at least try to maintain some authority over it by determining the following:

• What is going to change?
• How's it going to change?
• At what point could it change?
• Who's it going to affect besides me?
• Can these changes hurt me or the people close to me?
• Am I willing to accept and live with these changes?
• What kind of ripple effect could this change initiate?

I suggest you become a "googlearian" immediately and start your research. The fact remains that you need to rustle up some answers for these questions. Do anything you need to do to generate this information even if you have to use your imagination to create scenarios. Yes, make them up. Apply the time-worn saying "expect the worst; hope for the best" to your imaginary exercise. All information counts. You never know when your imaginary scenarios will rear their ugly heads and come alive.

2- "Accept the fact that you're not so smart"

Your chances of success are much more powerful if you ignore everything you know and become a beginner.

Start all over, dumb it down, play "make believe" and assume you know nothing. Feel blessed if you're really not up on all the information that you need. Feel blessed if you're truly a beginner and have to dig deep for the information. This is a great time for you.

"If your mind is empty, it is ready for anything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few." Shunryu Suzuki (Author of Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind)

The number one stumbling block to success in life or business, the absolute number one obstacle, is "Not Knowing What You Don't Know."

Only diligent research and extreme scrutiny can help get many of the answers you need to "know what you don't know."

Thinking you're very smart and have all the answers has a way of hindering and distorting opportunities for sound decisions and judgements. Intelligence or "I know everything I need to know" is a dangerous attitude to have and life's highway is littered with people with self-inflicted, sometimes fatal, "smart" wounds.

Do not assume anything. Take nothing for granted.

Thinking you're the smartest and the greatest will bring many detrimental distractions to your new venture, including but not limited to, over-thinking, over-analyzing and over-estimating. The combination of all or any of these could lead to significant setbacks or worse, total failure.

A few words of advice: Be a Beginner + Be Humble = You'll Be OK. To be successful and stay successful in life and business, being a "beginner" should be a daily exercise for you, your team, your family and your friends. A simple way to achieve this is to, even if you know the answer, always ask: Who, What, When, Why, Where and How.

3- "Accept the fact that you cannot fail if you refuse to give up."

This is a given! This should have a calming effect on you. You could be like the rest of us and look foolish, make mistakes, have hissy fits, be afraid, be engulfed with anxiety on a daily basis and still go on to be wildly happy, healthy and successful. You can start fresh every morning and adjust your methods and approach.

"There is no failure except in no longer trying." - Chris Bradford

Whatever journey you're embarking on cannot and will not fail if you absolutely refuse to give in to obstacles and setbacks.

"Never give up." What does it really mean? It means your desire to succeed is much greater than the discomfort that you're experiencing and that there's nothing you want in the world more than making your dream come true.

Obstacles? Go around them... go through them... go over them, but never let them stop you.

Ask for help, be creative, be assertive and just do whatever is necessary to overcome and move forward.

You will never ever fail if you relentlessly refuse to give up. You're not alone. We're all out there trying to do what you're doing. Ask for help.

Good Luck. Stay safe out there. Never give up on your dreams. Never.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Apply-These-3-Simple-Rules-to-a-New-Undertaking-and-Ward-Off-Failure-and-Heartbreak&id=9391145

Your Heart Got Hijacked? Take It Back

When a man got the "Dear John" treatment from his girlfriend recently, his Fitbit tracked his heartbreak, a dramatic and oh-so-21st century snapshot of what happens to your physical heart when your emotional heart gets trashed.

Indeed, not only do your emotions suffer when you get bad news, or are for whatever reason distressed, angry, fearful-your heart, your cardiovascular system, feels the hurt. Literally. Something scientists have proven repeatedly, study after study.

But here's the thing: when your heart gets hijacked by something bad happening-usually unexpected, you can get it back into a healthier place, and in the process, soothe yourself into a better place.

Why does this matter? Because over time, letting negative feelings yank your heart rate around damages your cardiovascular system. It's not good for your physical well-being for your heart to perform in "fight or flight" mode-which is what it does when you get angry, upset or frightened-over long periods of time. In a sense, it wears your heart down, which impacts all sorts of other bodily functions, as well as your potential longevity.

Not to mention the toll it's taking on your everyday happiness quotient.

Get your heart back! All it takes is a dose of appreciation. I know, that sounds like so much hooey! And certainly, I don't mean appreciate the heartbreak... puh-leeze.

Appreciate that you have friends or family you can talk to, people in your life who value and love you, and who are there to support you through whatever. That you have a cat/dog/iguana/canary who loves you regardless of what your Heartbreaking Other thinks of you. That there are "broken hearts" resources all over the web, in addition to counselors, pastors and others who can be powerful supports.

Appreciate whatever it is that you can learn from this experience. Believe me, there's always something to learn. Whether it's to set better boundaries, get better at asking for what you want and need, becoming a better listener-there's always "better" to be had.

And what about the little things? The daily hassles such as the driver who cut you off. The fifteen times you had to drive around the parking lot to find a space. The alarm that failed to go off and made you late for that oh-so-important appointment. Your boss passing you over for that promotion you know you deserve. The 1000th time you had that same argument with your mother/spouse/child. Need I go on?

Your irritation, frustration and annoyance won't hijack your heart like the big things, but the little things wear on you too. Recent research shows that the more you react negatively to everyday stuff, the more likely you are to have a psychological disorder a decade later. Yikes! And with that, there's increased potential for your physical well-being to be impacted as well.

Be good to yourself. Work on appreciating whatever you can in the situation: the driver cut you off, but all is well, no accident. You had to park far: walking is good for you. The alarm failed: appreciate that you can re-schedule the appointment, and can get a new alarm so that doesn't happen again. You didn't get the promotion: appreciate the opportunity to learn why and can take measures accordingly. That argument? Appreciate that you can learn new communication skills and resolve your argument once and for all.

Yes, it takes some effort, and I agree, the pity-party can be oh-so-satisfying. But in the long run, learning to appreciate, release and let go as soon as you can, will benefit both your physical and emotional heart.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Your-Heart-Got-Hijacked?-Take-It-Back&id=9363117

How to Move On After a Break Up - 5 Tips To Get Past the Heartache

How to Move On After a Break Up and Overcome Heartache

It's so very difficult to move on after a break up, yet we often don't have a choice. Maybe you messed up bad, causing the break up; or you both decided it just wasn't working anymore. No matter the case, if it's really over, you must find a way to deal with heartbreak and move on with your life. Let's look at a few ways to get started.

5 Ways to Move On After a Break Up

1. Understand the Timing It's important to remember that heartache is temporary. Have you noticed all the songs on the radio about breakup-induced devastation? Those songs are possible because the songwriter, singer, and fans have all experienced it. We all get over it too. Don't forget this when you begin thinking you'll never get over your ex.

The devastation won't go away overnight, but it will lessen a little bit each day. This is true even for couples who break up after decades of marriage. The heart eventually heals. You just have to accept that the relationship is over, believe in a positive future for yourself, and give yourself time to recover.

2. Treat Yourself Right After a Break Up

No matter how your relationship ended, it's important not to beat yourself up about it. No amount of self-loathing will change things or make you feel better. Just remember that people make mistakes, but mistakes don't make you a bad person.

If you messed up in the relationship, use the time after a break up to consider how to make better choices next time. If you were mistreated by your ex, don't criticize yourself for putting up with it. It's time to move forward, so celebrate yourself for having the courage to do so. Relationships give us amazing opportunities to learn about ourselves and others, so focus on those lessons instead of any negative thoughts that come to mind. After a break up, you must deliberately choose positive thoughts to recover any hits to your self esteem.

3. Accept That's It's Over So You Can Get Over It

To move on after a break up, you must obviously accept that it's over. If you still want to get back with your ex, make sure it is because the relationship is salvageable and not because you just want the heartache to stop. You deserve better than a bad relationship, so don't hold on to something that makes you unhappy.

4. After a Break Up Stop Picking at the Wound

Moving on after a break up means letting go. For good! This can't be done if you refuse to close the door on your past. Think about what happens when you have a cut on your arm. First you stop the bleeding, then protect it from infection. A scab develops and the healing process continues. Eventually, you have a fading scar and you've forgotten all about that old wound. Unless... you refuse to let it heal.

What happens if you remove the Band-aid, pull off the scab, dig in the wound from time to time? You cause more pain, put yourself at risk of infection, thwart the healing process, and end up with an uglier scar. The same is true when dealing with heartache after a break up.

Every time you call your ex, it's like removing the bandage from a healing wound. When you sit around listening to sad music, wondering what your ex is doing, it's like scraping off the scab. Even if you're calling your ex's friends or family, trying to keep a more distant connection going, it's like reopening the wound that's trying to heal. Stalking, texting, following, begging... it's all re-injuring your broken heart. Muster the strength to sever connections to your ex, even when you feel desperate to hold on.

5. Take a Break After a Break Up

After a break up, a new lover can serve as a distraction from the heartache and pain. However, while it feels better, dating so soon is usually a bad decision. For starters, you might confuse feeling better with healing. These are not one in the same. You must properly bemoan a lost love in order to heal; and distracting yourself with a new "love" will only get in the way. You'll push the heartache just below the surface, where it becomes baggage you take into all future relationships. This is why rebound relationships have a high likelihood of failure, and they generally come with compounded pain from the previous lost love. The solution is obvious: Go through the heartache until you come out on the other side. You will, absolutely, survive.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Move-On-After-a-Break-Up---5-Tips-To-Get-Past-the-Heartache&id=9116141

6 Valuable Life Lessons You Receive From A Breakup

After my breakup and divorce, life was a struggle. My feelings of sadness crushed me, and I felt consumed and controlled by the pain. Furthermore, I had no idea what I would do with my life or what my future would look like. All I could focus on was how I felt emptiness, fear and the pangs of rejection.

One thing was clear: I had hit rock bottom and was in the worst place of my life that I could remember.

Fast forward three years to where I am today. I can now say with confidence that my relationship ending and my subsequent divorce were the best gifts I’d ever received.

Of course, you're probably now asking yourself, "How?!" Or perhaps you think this revelation is unique to me.

Well, I'd argue that there are at least six ways to see heartbreak as a gift:

1. You realize that you complete you ... no one else can do that.

You complete me. This is one of Hollywood's most tried-and-true lines. 

But I'm sorry, Jerry Maguire, you got it wrong. You complete you! Period.

Once you survive a breakup, you realize that you don’t really need anyone else to complete you or to bring you happiness. You discover that you yourself are enough. You don’t need anyone else to help you become whole. And in fact, thinking of relationships in those terms is dangerous, and breeds codependency.

You are the source of your own happiness. Your actions, self-compassion and self-care remind you that you are enough. Don’t allow loneliness or self-pity to hijack your self-worth.

2. You tap into your inner well of wisdom.

Odds are, your pain has been educational. You feel things that are unfamiliar perhaps, and likely that's why the experience is so scary and unsettling. But you also know much more about yourself now than you ever did before. 

Yes, your heart’s broken, but in the process your mind opens, your feelings come out and even your spirituality awakens. 

Heartbreak is a teacher that helps you become a better version of yourself. If there are ways to improve yourself, you learn about them. If you have an internal conflict or personal struggle, you confront it. If your past is haunting you, it comes up now to face you. 

Now is the opportunity to do the internal work, become a better version of yourself and be thankful for the lessons you’ve learned about yourself. Hopefully, you won’t repeat the same mistakes in a future relationship. 

3. You clear space for true love.

When you’re in the wrong relationship and with the wrong person, it’s hard to break things off. Most of the time this is because we believe it's better to be with someone, anyone, than to be alone. 

But heartbreak from a relationship ending ruptures this false belief. You are no longer holding onto someone who’s “pretty good,” and as a result, you help bring yourself closer to someone who respects you, values you and connects with you. 

In all contexts, you have to let go of what doesn’t fit in your life to welcome what does. 

4. You open up your heart to new people and experiences (and to your true self).

Before your heartbreak, you may have felt disconnected from yourself. You may have become someone else to please your ex or to make the relationship work. You may have closed off yourself from your true feelings and kept them bottled up. 

Now, keeping a brave face and faking it may have gone out the door. You have no choice but to confront your emotions, console your heart and come to terms with what you’re experiencing. 

When your heart breaks, you let go of the walls that protect your heart and the walls you’ve built from your feelings. Become more vulnerable, honest and centered. 

5. You feel a renewed sense of purpose.

When you go through a traumatic experience and the world has shaken you up, you have the opportunity to think about what you’re doing with your life. 

When your heart’s broken, you can ask yourself: What truly matters to me? What do I value? What do I care about? 

What do you want to make a central part of your life, and what do you need to let go of? As you go through this cleansing and simplifying process after heartbreak, you’ll have a better idea of why you’re here in this world.

Get clear on the messages you receive, and start making changes in your life to live your purpose. Do the work you were meant to do. Use the pain of heartbreak to serve others. Make your best contribution to the people around you. 

6. You are more resilient when it comes to accepting change.

Before your heartbreak, you likely fretted about change and tried to avoid it at all costs. Of course, most of us feel this way.

But fear of change is a funny, vicious cycle. Fearing change actually keeps you fearful, anxious and paralyzed in life. When this is the case, you may never want to take any risks or challenges because change feels categorically terrifying.

This aversion to change often keeps us limited and at a distance from expressing our authentic truth. So I invite you to consider this: What if your heartbreak helped you deal with, embrace and accept change? 

If something so certain as your loving relationship ended, maybe anything can end, and open the door for something new. Accepting change will not only help you feel more grateful for whatever you have in your life, it will help you react more positively to life circumstances. 

If you can accept the unacceptable and survive the unimaginable, you are equipped for dealing with life as it shows up. You’ll realize that many things are out of your control. You can deal only with what unfolds in your life, with strength, faith and perseverance.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20420/6-valuable-life-lessons-you-receive-from-a-breakup.html