The 3 SECRETS To Improve SELF-ESTEEM & Confidence TODAY | Marisa Peer

5 Ways to Love Yourself Better (By Jessica J Lockhart)

A few days ago I was talking to some of my clients during a workshop and discussing possible ways to learn how to love ourselves better. There was so much interest that I decided to share with you the tips I gave them. Feel free to use them all or just some. They have an accumulative effect but can also be used one at a time. Enjoy loving yourself better from now on.

Praise yourself

Grab a piece of paper and for once, make the effort of defining what you LIKE in yourself, instead of finding whatever it is that you believe needs changing/improving. Identify 3 things you like in each of the following fields:

physical - define 3 things you like in your body, including your face: your hair, your walking style, your height, your posture... anything.

emotional - define 3 traits in you that you like: generous, hard-working, sentimental... anything.

abilities - define 3 skills you have that you like: good handwriting, well organized, fast learner... anything.

Each morning after breakfast and each evening before you go to bed, look at yourself in the mirror, look deeply into your eyes, and remind you of those 9 things you like in yourself. Praise them. Praise yourself for them. Remember that there are AT LEAST 9 things in you that you like. Celebrate those 9 things.

It might be hard, specially at the beginning, because we're so used to doing just the opposite and looking for flaws, mistakes and the like. But do try. Give yourself a break and be fair; stop JUST looking for the bad in you and start looking for, and praising, the GOOD.

Identify and improve your model

First of all, ask yourself who your teacher was. Who taught you how to love yourself as a human being? Did you learn it from your parents? From a friend? Most of us learn by imitating our role models, even subconsciously. Once you identify who you learned it from, ask yourself if you really like the way that person loved him or herself. Is that the type of love you want to give yourself? If it is, can you improve it? If it isn't, can't you find a better role model to imitate? The role model doesn't need to be a person you know but could also be a character in a book or movie. Yes, I know they might not be "real" but what they're portraying is the type of love you want to give yourself. Focus on that and learn what they do to transmit that love. At the end of the day, you just want to learn how to do it better.

Change your "yes buts" for "yes ands"

If you're like many others, each time somebody praises you, your mind immediately looks for some kind of fault in you to counteract the positive comment that you may receive. For example, someone says something nice about your hair or clothes today; your mind instantly reminds you of the... "yes, but even if that looks OK today, it's usually horrible," or "yes, but look at my nose, even the best haircut can't hide that ugly thing on my face," or something of the kind. Sounds familiar?

I challenge you to turn your "yes buts" the opposite way around. Each time you hear OR THINK something negative about yourself, I want you to make the effort to consciously say, think or repeat a "yes but" in a positive sense. Example: you think, "gosh, my hair looks awful today!" (which would normally make you feel bad for some more time after the thought happened). This time I want you to "yes and" it in a positive way... "yes, and that means I need to try that new hat on," or "yes, and that's why I will do it in a different style today" or anything that ends the thinking process on a positive note.

Our brains follow established paths. Let's create some new ones for ourselves.

Value your actions

If you started applying the first recommendation, you should already be valuing 9 positive things in you. Now I want you to feel grateful as well. Every evening, before going to sleep, think of 3 things you did right. Value your work or your contribution. Celebrate having done those good deeds and congratulate yourself for them. Feel grateful for everything that led you to being able to do what you did. Feel grateful for the people who made it possible; feel grateful for your skills, knowledge or abilities; feel grateful for having been there when you needed to; feel grateful for having decided to do whatever it is that you did... Feel grateful for being you. Gratitude is a very powerful feeling that makes our brains release dopamine, which reduces anxiety, improves our mood and our levels of energy and motivation.

Give yourself hope

Another little but powerful tool to love oneself better is giving ourselves the gift of hope. At night, after feeling grateful for what you did, give yourself permission to dream. And I don't mean sleeping. Before you actually go to sleep but once you're already in bed, I want you to daydream. The only rule is that the dreams are positive. If a negative thought tries to enter your mind, make the conscious effort to replace it and go back to your happy reverie. Imagine the good things that will happen to you tomorrow or this week. Visualize the dreams. Imagine them in great detail and have the fun of an artist creating a wonderland. Let yourself enjoy the happy feeling; after all, it's only in your imagination. But... your brain doesn't know it! When we make the conscious effort to imagine and try and experience happy feelings, our brain believes the "dream" and starts releasing chemical products that make us feel good: endorphines, oxytocin and the like. As a result, our bodies relax and not only can we actually sleep better, which is an important gift in itself, but once again, our brain discovers new paths into happier feelings. Consider this time a gift to yourself. We're not daydreaming to create a new reality; this is not the power we're trying to use. The goal is to have a nice, hopeful time to let our bodies and minds unwind and make us feel good about life.

These five simple exercises will gradually help you love yourself better. By loving yourself better, you will start having better feelings about yourself and, as a result, about the world. You'll soon start feeling better in general. After all, we can't change the world unless we change ourselves first.

Choose the type of life you want to live. Choose to love yourself first and others will see the love in you.

Enjoy life, ALL of it,

https://ezinearticles.com/?5-Ways-to-Love-Yourself-Better&id=9972976

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend, I've Come to Talk With You Again. (By Steve Wickham)

Empathy in the individual is a massively important quality. Though it is a felt kind of trait, not strictly related with intelligence quotient, I think it is a cornerstone in the development of intelligence. Here's why. When we have the capacity of feeling for others, we truly connect with our world and the fiasco of self is ended.

At least that is the theory!

But empathy isn't the end of it. It's just the beginning. Once our empathy is acquired it doesn't stay with us statically; it can grow or rescind. We may develop it, but the tricky thing is we can also grow our skill for tapping artificially into it. In other words, we can learn to fake it.

Anyone can appear caring.

We need to be suspicious about those who appear as caring without actually feeling moved.

But the truth is that's me. There's a darkness in me to be able to continue as a pastor and counsellor and not be traumatised. Some would call it a thick skin. I know I'm capable of feeling enormous empathy, but it's moderated hugely now by my mind. Of a sense, I can control it. On one level such control is good. It helps me do my job. But at another level I feel cut off from what I could possibly be feeling. Or, I mourn the fact that I'm not as emotional as I once was or upset by things many other people are. In a weaker moment, I can truly wonder if there is darkness in me to the degree that my conscience is somewhat seared. But I know what I think, and that convinces me - my thinking conveys reprehensibility for the things that would otherwise gut me.

See how there is the entrance into the reality of my darkness. I'm not afraid of finding out how dark my soul could be. It would trouble me where I was to find darkness. And it has. But it only troubles me to the degree that I am impelled to do something about it. Yet this is just one example. I am still vulnerable in areas where I think I'm right, where I could be wrong, where pride can still be the predictable initial response. Pride is never too far away as an immediate response I must be awake to. Pride driven of fear that I'm not, in fact, all that I think I am. Still, there are hidden darknesses that I am yet to be made aware of that elicits the prayer, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

You may have heard the song The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel, which says, 'A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.' This is so true to our human nature, that we cannot see what others see, and what others see we disregard, because we can only see our truth, and it forever polarises us in conflict with others who disagree. We are forlorn to war and battle and to decry justice and to fight for 'justice', and the biggest irony of all is the supposed social justice warrior insists they are right, and if only things were turned their way all would be right with the world. Sorry, I don't buy it. Yet, there are those on the Right who cannot bear that they also might be wrong. I see so much at the polarities that is untrustworthy. Both sides manipulate truth to satisfy their need and prop up their position.

Could it be possible that we are all wrong?

If all of us could be wrong, and if only God can truly be right, all the time, what might that convince us to do? The trouble is, especially in the Christian world, we tend to think that God is on our side, when there are other Christians who see the world differently and believe God is on their side. Could it be possible that we are both partially right? If that is true, we are both partially wrong, as well. Where does all this thinking lead us?

Hopefully it leads us to the place of bringing our sinful opinionatedness to the cross, to confess our need of Jesus, and to repent toward the possibility of those truths that we cannot yet see. All we need to do is acknowledge that we cannot see everything.

We can only fix 'us' in Jesus' name.

The 'other' is the Holy Spirit's project.

Imagine this scenario: standing before God's Judgment Seat on the day we finally meet Him.

We hear the record of our lives. Together with our record as it is read out, we hear others' records read out; those whose lives paralleled ours, and especially, as it pertains to this topic, we hear those records of those people we might praise and despise.

Gradually we are enlightened as we listen, and begin to comprehend the facts we never knew, which are the things we always did that we thought were right but that weren't wholly right, and those things that others did that we thought were wrong, that weren't wholly wrong.

We hear the record of this other person we could not forgive, and for the first time in our lives we see how truly lovable they are, because the perception of God is added to us.

We begin to see who they actually are from the experiences that had shaped their lives. And suddenly there is a sense of remorse, because we did not, or chose not to, see what we could have always seen if only we had been openhearted.

In the immediacy of this moment, suddenly God makes us angelic to the point that all our eyes can see is truth, and from that truth is the full portion of grace, because, for the first time in our lives, we understood that grace can only be understood and extended from the perspective of the fullness of truth.

Then, after seemingly a long silence and pause,

God speaks these words gently:

'You seem surprised, My son/daughter.

'Did you not assume that you too had blind spots? Did you not plan for this day? Did you assume all along that you had read me right, whilst thinking all along others who love me read me all wrong? Did you assume that the moment you pledged yourself to Jesus resolved your sin in its entirety? Were you not concerned at all that from the moment you pledged to follow My Son that you did not grow as much as you ought to have? Do you arrive here imagining you are at the top of the hierarchy of mortals in heaven? Did you live your life that way? Of course, you are thinking right now, "You know it all, God, so I really have no defence." Of course, the prosecution rests, for My questions of you are not judgment as you think they are Judgment. Until now you have been geared to think of everything against your view as judgment. I offer these rhetorical questions to you to bring you to the truth that causes repentance, which is an eternal commitment to and commission for the truth.

'My Grace has covered you; you are loved and you are mine, but I would not love you if I did not bring this truth to you. Now, enjoy my heavenly kingdom, knowing you can only now do good and be good to all.'

What if our world was suddenly full of people, every single one of us, who saw immediately where we were wrong, instead of being right all the time? Of course, this is not a picture of earth, it is a picture of heaven on earth, but not of the new heaven and earth where there will be no wrong.

Could it be our opportunity, here as we live our lives, to live with our wrongness at the forefront of our awareness, as the principal modus operandi for living at peace with everyone, so far as it depends on us?

I started this article talking about empathy. If we, ourselves, do not have empathy we have no hope of realising the potential that God stowed in us from the beginning.

Please do not think this is referring to anybody else but yourself. It is so common for each of us to think about how others lack empathy or exude it too much, without facing the question for ourselves.

This is your time. This is your question.

Before the Lord of all the Ages.

This could be your opportunity to truly ask how devoted you are to truly following Jesus. What a golden opportunity it is, before your time, and mine, is up.

It is up to us to tell on our darkness before the darkness tells on us.

It's time to be honest and to ascribe honesty as our covenant of allegiance to Christ.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Hello-Darkness,-My-Old-Friend,-Ive-Come-to-Talk-With-You-Again&id=10003148

Do You Know How To Increase ABUNDANCE In Your Life?

Who doesn't like to increase ABUNDANCE in all areas of their lives? Perhaps more health, better relationships, more finances, more fulfilment, more contribution, better job or career, or a more successful business. Whatever it is, we all like to increase and it can be done by applying the Law Of Increase.

You can also call it the Law of Praise. Why? Because when you praise someone or something you're automatically putting energy of increase, because you're rising its frequency, the energy vibration of that thing. You can raise the energy frequency of anything & anyone just by praising them.

When you praise a plant, or money, or a person's self-esteem, you are helping them to increase. To be better. To attract more of, because you're raising that frequency of energy on them.

How Does it Work?

Praise has to be honest. Has to come from the heart, not just from the head and the lips.

If you can't go as deep as letting the praise come from the heart because you're not used to it, perhaps because you grew up surrounded with criticism and in the habit of spotting what's wrong and the flaws and the faults in other people and things, then that's okay. Take it easy and be gentle with yourself. Just start by practicing. It's okay if at the beginning you have to praise just from your lips and with your head. Eventually the more you do it, the more you're going to mean it, the more it's going to come from the heart.

When it comes to people at your business or job, it's praising for the things that they do right. Instead of trying to spot the things that they do wrong, you want to catch them doing something right! That's something I used to do with my staff at Flight Center. I was in Flight Center managing a few of the different businesses for about 10 years and this is something I learned earlier on that was really beneficial for me. I learned to be able to catch my staff doing something right so that I could praise them and by doing so, I helped them grow.

Praise and recognition expands, it goes into your cellular system for it to vibrate at a high frequency and expand. Criticism and finding flaws and defects turns into "contracting". It does the opposite. You want to get into the habit of praising!

When you praise someone, you're allowing them to grow and be better at what they do and increase the level of self esteem versus trying to spot them doing something wrong.

Here is a really good story about Bob Proctor doing a test with waiters and waitresses at a restaurant. He asked them to praise each person at the tables they served and they did it. They just started blessing and praising in silence, through their hearts and inside their heads. Guess what happened? In 30 days, they were reporting to Bob Proctor that they had doubled and tripled the amount of tips that they made for the week. I love it!

Now, let me tell you that the cells inside your body respond to praise by expanding, by becoming healthier, by multiplying. Praise is fantastic for your health as well. When you're praising someone, even if you're just in silence, it's a thought transmission. You're transmitting this thought to the people that you're praising and you're transmitting a higher frequency of energy to the people that you praise & bless.

Another thing very powerful is that praise changes our focus because it's training you to look for accomplishment. To look for good and beauty in your life. Instead of being used to focusing on the flaws and the mistakes or the things that don't work. Maybe that's your default. Maybe you're automatically wired to focus on what is wrong. By praising, you're training yourself to focus on what is right. You're training yourself to focus on always looking for the accomplishments and the beauty that surrounds you. The abundance that surrounds you. Practice it until it becomes habitual. Fake it until you make it.

Your Challenge for this week!

I want you to start praising, praising, praising. Anything and everyone around you. Do it sincerely. Don't just say it if you don't mean it. Don't say it if you're thinking the opposite. Look, your default may be criticism and spotting the flaws and the things that are wrong, but it's not all your fault. That's probably how you grew up. That's what got ingrained into you as you were growing up.

This is the time to change your habits. This is the time to reprogram your subconscious, your cellular system, so that you can start training yourself for praise and recognition. Children that grow up with criticism, they're insecure, they're fearful. Children that grow up with praise, they are confident, they have a higher self esteem because praise is the quickest route to prosperity. You want to get into the habit of praising.

You practice it until you believe it and you start to do it naturally and then it's ingrained into your cellular system so that your default from your subconscious is to always praise. Praise other things, praise the actions, praise other people. Praise people's gifts. Now, even if you're just saying it from the head and not from the heart just yet, that's fine. Just keep practicing. Keep practicing until you start generating the feeling of the praise inside of your body. In your heart. Speak it out loud with a heart full of energy. This is why I want you to do this week. If you have any experiences of when you praised someone and what happened to you in return, I want you to share it on the comments section below.

I want you to come back here and share with us the magic that showed up in your life from practicing this beautiful law of praising. Praising is increasing. This is the Law of Increase. The more you praise, the more you're going to increase, the more you're going to have abundance in all areas of your life which is super exciting. I can't wait to hear about it!

Until the next one, stay well and play full out!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Know-How-To-Increase-ABUNDANCE-In-Your-Life?&id=9553546

7 Power Packed Ways to Become a More Charming Person

If you have charm everybody listens to you and gives you more opportunities. This articles shows you how to be more charming and put it into practice in all your relationships.

I will explain further:

Don't say anything that attacks or lowers the self-esteem of others.

Do not criticize, complain or condemn. It's the opposite of charming and makes the conversation negative and unpleasant. Practice your charm and resolve to be cheerful no matter what is going on in your private life.

If you have something negative on your mind keep it to yourself Never talk about your problems in business and social settings.

2. Use your charm and be agreeable.

When someone says something you don't agree with it is charming to be completely neutral and keep it to yourself. Refuse to argue or suggest the other person is wrong.

Even if the other person is wrong, let it pass. The more charming and agreeable you are with other people, the more they like you.

3. Practice acceptance.

This trait satisfies a deep subconscious need of other people. I am talking about the need to be accepted by other people.

You express lack of acceptance of another person by ignoring or criticizing them. It is charming to smile at another person. This is the best way to practice acceptance.

4. Express gratitude on every occasion.

Do this by saying thank you. The more grateful you are towards others, the better they feel about themselves and you.

5. Express admiration whenever possible.

It is charming to admire people for their traits, possessions and accomplishments.

6. Give approval and praise.

Giving praise shows charm and positively influences the behavior of people.

7. Pay attention

Charming people listen closely to other people when they speak. Here's how to listen properly:

A. Listen attentively without interrupting.

B. Pause before replying. Carefully consider what the other person has said.

C. Ask the following questions for clarification. The person who asks questions has control.

• What sort of work do you do?
• How did you get into that field?
• And then what did you do?
• And then what did you say?

Instead of trying to impress, be impressed. Instead of trying to make friend, be a friend.

To conclude: Any psychologist will tell you that the self-esteem is the foundation of personality. Therefore, the number one way to become more charming is to work on the person's self-esteem. The way in which other people behave toward us is a key ingredient for a healthy emotional environment. Making the other person feel more important is the key to becoming more charming.

http://ezinearticles.com/?7-Power-Packed-Ways-to-Become-a-More-Charming-Person&id=6784044

18 Things You Need to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Successful

Your time is way too valuable to be wasting it on things that don't work. Instead, treat it like the precious and limited resource it is.

Too often we act as if time is infinitely available. There's always another day, right? But that's a huge mistake.

Whether you're working or having fun, being mindful about how you spend your time is one of the best things you can do for your life.

Here are 18 time-wasters to stop cutting out today.

1. Running from problems.

Sooner or later, you will run out of places to run to. Confront your problems and get it over with.

2. Cursing the darkness.

We all have struggles and failures, but if you can focus your energy on a solution--even a small one--you've started the process of finding your way out.

3. Lying to yourself.

The truth really does set you free. The beliefs and thoughts that limit your options aren't representing your truth, and they're keeping you from realizing your visions.

4. Fear.

It is human nature to feel fear, and most of us tend to fear what we don't understand. If you can understand your fears, you can free yourself from them.

5. Negativity.

Focus on yourself with optimism and positivity instead of dwelling on the things that are holding you back.

6. The word impossible.

There's no bigger impediment to any achievement than not trying at all, or trying and giving up.

7. Winging it.

Success favors those who work hard, put in plenty of time, and do whatever it takes to make it work. When you do your part, success has a way of showing up.

8. Cynicism.

Human understanding and kindness are at the core of the happiest people.

9. Distraction.

Stop wasting your time chasing shiny objects and focus on what you really need in your life.

10. Selfishness.

A truly successful life is made of giving, sharing, and praise, not taking, demanding, and criticizing.

11. Over-thinking.

Stop over-thinking everything because that just makes things worse. Think good thoughts and good things will happen.

12. Hoarding.

Any form of hoarding is unhealthy and wastes your time, whether it's possessions, information, wisdom, or emotion.

13. Denial.

Look at your life and ask yourself whether what you are doing is truly representing what's within you; if not, stop denying what you really want and need.

14. Criticism.

It's easy to criticize, but it's rarely helpful. Praise is far more powerful and rewarding for everyone all around.

15. Comparison.

Remember, everyone has a unique situation and is fighting their own battles. Stop comparing yourself to others, it's never productive.

16. Procrastination.

There's no bigger waste of time than putting things off--it adds stress and takes away options for solving problems.

17. Complaining.

Taking responsibility today is the first step in accomplishing something great tomorrow.

18. Perfection.

Remember, those who seldom make mistakes seldom make discoveries. Instead of searching for perfection, take this moment and make it perfect.

And, above all, stop squandering your gifts. This life is about making yourself useful and necessary, so find your purpose and run with it.

Who knows what you'll find time for when you let go of all the time-wasting negatives in your life?

http://www.inc.com/lolly-daskal/18-things-you-need-to-stop-doing-if-you-want-to-be-successful.html

The Leadership Secret to Supercharging Your Team

Boosting your emotional intelligence can drive team members forward, 

So you were first in your MBA class and have the smarts of Jeff Bezos and Marissa Mayer combined. If you want the brightest possible future in business, you may still have a few things to learn.

“During our school years, there’s this fallacious sense that only how well you do academically is going to matter in your life,” says Daniel Goleman, one of the country’s best-known writers and researchers on the subject of leadership. “Once you get into a business, particularly if you’re an entrepreneur, you know that’s nonsense. Lots of people with straight A’s wind up working for people who were B students. I once spoke to a roomful of CEOs; I  asked, ‘How many of you were magna cum laude, had the highest grades in your class when you graduated?’ Out of 200 or 300 people, it was about 1 percent. I said, ‘There goes the assumption that how well you do in school determines how well you do in  business.’ ”

Then what does determine how well you do? Goleman has spent three decades finding out. He’s written or co-written more than 20  books, including the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ; Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence; and 2014’s What Makes a Leader: Why Emotional Intelligence Matters. Through a compelling blend of anecdote and scientific analysis, he has made the case that what sets top businesspeople apart is “EI” (emotional intelligence), which he describes as the sum of self-awareness, self-management, empathy and social skills.

“A higher proportion of the competencies that distinguish the stars among leaders turn out to be based on emotional intelligence rather than IQ-type abilities, by far—like 80 or 90 percent of them,” says Goleman, speaking from his office in the Berkshires. He reached this conclusion after studying data from nearly 200 organizations, large and small, that compared their best performers with run-of-the-mill ones.

“That doesn’t mean IQ is irrelevant,” Goleman adds. “IQ is important in sorting people into jobs they can do. But once you’re in the game, you’re competing with people as smart as you, and you’re competing with how well you can manage yourself and lead other  people.”

Luckily, he says, emotional and social abilities aren’t fixed at birth. With diligence, you can “rewire your brain” to push your EI to genius  levels.

Take Stock

To figure out which aspects of emotional intelligence need work, Goleman’s What Makes a Leader suggests “imagining your ideal self” five to 10 years from now. What would your typical day be like? Who would be there? What sorts of relationships would you have with them? Consider your “deepest values and loftiest dreams.” How would these be part of your daily life?

Next: Learn how your ideal self compares with your current self. Goleman recommends answering such questions as:

• Are you usually aware of your feelings and why you feel that way?

• Can you manage your distressing emotions well—e.g., recover quickly when you get upset or stressed?

• Can you usually sense the feelings of the people you interact with and understand their way of seeing things?

• Do you have a knack for persuasion and using your influence effectively?

Don’t just introspect. You also need to find out how you make others feel and how they see your leadership style. This can be tough to glean, of course, especially from employees. One possibility is to solicit anonymous written critiques. You also might form or join a support group in which peers who know you well (perhaps outside your company) give you frank opinions about your behavior.

Then there’s “360-degree Feedback,” a process Goleman helped develop. In 360, a certified coach would have bosses, peers, direct reports, clients and sometimes family members critique your “social intelligence”—the empathy and social-skills part of EI. Among other things, they would consider your sensitivity to people’s needs, your mentoring style, your interest in others’ opinions and your tendency (or lack thereof) to bring out the best in people.

Once the feedback rolls in, resist the temptation to dwell only on your EI shortcomings. It’s “just as important, maybe even more so, to understand your strengths,” Goleman writes. He finds, for instance, that most entrepreneurs are resilient and innovative. “Knowing where your real self overlaps with your ideal self will give you the positive energy you need to move forward to the next step in the process—bridging the gaps.”

Praise, Pay Attention, Practice

If you’re like many entrepreneurs, one EI gap will involve your ears. “Poor listening is the common cold of leadership today,” Goleman says. “Very often we want people to keep it short, which often means we cut them off and take over the conversation to get them out the door quickly. But if you want to be a good listener, then you have to actually take time to hear what they have to say and be sure you understand them.”

Another common shortcoming: being a Debbie Downer. “This is a big problem for entrepreneurs,” Goleman says. “Entrepreneurs are typically people who drive themselves harder than most others and who have a very high internal standard of excellence. They do things very well, and that can become a pattern of perfectionism, where you tend to look only at what was wrong rather than what was right. The problem in leadership is when people who have driven themselves to the top that way become managers or leaders and use the same lens with their direct reports. If they give only failing grades, not passing grades, that demotivates people.”

To overcome such weaknesses, Goleman proposes drawing up an action plan. (Ideally, he says, do this with help from a 360 coach or other business coach who can monitor your progress. “Anybody who is at the top in sports or entertainment typically has a coach throughout their career”—so why should it be different in business?) Pick a short list of changes you can make, both inside and outside the office, that target each of your goals.

To boost your listening skills, you might plan to meet each of your colleagues or employees for lunch, away from office distractions. You might also volunteer at a crisis center, where understanding the needs of others is crucial. At home, for starters, try not to take over conversations and “relax into just listening, being sure you understand before responding,” Goleman says.

To become less critical, constantly remind yourself to notice what others in your life do well. “Praise them; don’t just attack them,” he says. “And make it genuine—our radar for phoniness is just too good.” Here, too, talking to employees away from the office is helpful. “One powerful conversation with the person away from work—about what they want from their life, their career and this job—will give you sound grounds for giving them feedback in terms of where they want to go: ‘When you did X, it didn’t help you toward Y. Perhaps you could work on Z, and here’s how I can help you,’” Goleman advises. “That personal angle builds great loyalty, and a sense that you care about people.”

Above all, no matter which aspect of EI that you’re attempting to build, you should work at it daily and consciously. “The neurology of habit tells us you need to become mindful of the old way, what you’re trying to change, intentionally replace it with the new habit and do it at every naturally occurring opportunity,” Goleman says. “It might be with your kids; it might be with your spouse; it might be with your direct reports.

“All of those are learning opportunities, and you’re trying to build new circuitry in the brain—a foundation of the better way. If you practice three to six months in that way, we find that one day you’ll do the new thing in the right way, at the right time, without having to think about it. It’ll become spontaneous, which means your brain has moved it from the prefrontal area, where it has to make an effort, to the basal ganglia, where all of our habits live.”

Open Your Eyes and Close Them

As you continue your daily practice, Goleman says, you can speed your progress by shadowing leaders known for their empathy and social skills: Observe how they stay cool under stress and adapt. See how they strike a balance between listening and effectively communicating; how—in a group—they help move everyone toward a joint goal, acknowledge others’ contributions and encourage everyone’s strengths.

Because of brain chemistry, you may start emulating these role models before you know it. Maybe you’ve heard of mirror neurons—these fire not just when we do something, but when we see others do the same thing. Many scientists think mirror neurons help us understand each other and learn skills. “Mirror neurons have particular importance in organizations, because leaders’ emotions and actions prompt followers to mirror those feelings and deeds,” Goleman writes in What Makes a Leader.

Similarly, even imaginary feelings and deeds could raise your EI. When you picture a happy scenario in detail—listening well to an employee, say, and working with her to solve a problem—it can “fire the same brain cells actually involved in doing that activity,” Goleman writes. “The new brain circuitry appears to go through its paces, strengthening connections, even when we merely repeat the sequence in our minds.”

Speaking of repetition, Goleman believes another key to EI is daily meditation: Focus on your breath and bring your mind back to it when it wanders, for example, and scan your body for points of tension, then relax them.

“Essentially it’s training attentional skill,” he says. “I  would try to do at least 10 minutes a day of meditation.” One of Goleman’s favorite things about mindfulness is that you take it everywhere. Say one of your EI shortcomings is anxiety or a quick temper. “When you’re starting to get really mad or overly worried, mindfulness can help you notice that’s happening to you. You can short-circuit the episode.”

Meditation is vital over the long haul, too, Goleman finds: “It’s fundamental, the ability to stay focused on the task at hand or keep going to reach your long-term goal.... Every successful entrepreneur needs this ability.” Small wonder, then, that increasingly, companies such as Google and The Huffington Post are offering meditation sessions for employees. “Not only do you, the leader, need mindfulness, but so does everyone you depend on to get to your goal.”

Savor Face Time

Now more than ever, our EI is under attack. Technology fragments the attention we pay each other with every text-message beep and social-media alert. A company may have employees spread across several offices or even time zones, making it harder to feel empathy or use your social skills to advantage.

Don’t give up, Goleman urges.

If your business involves telecommuters or far-flung offices, aim for informal get-togethers once or twice a year—or at least, frequent Skyping and the like. “The brain was built for face-to-face interaction; that’s always best,” Goleman says. “The social brain is designed to engage the brain of the person you’re with and read visual signals very, very quickly and tell us what to do next.”

Simply being in the same room as someone else may not be enough, as proved by couples in restaurants who seem to be dating their iPhones instead of each other. “Notice when you’re being pulled away from a person by a thing,” Goleman says, meaning a phone, or some other tool. “And then ask yourself, Can I afford this? Is this the best thing to do now? You may say, Yeah, this is a really important text; I can look at it. Or you may say, I care more about the person in front of me.” With luck, caring about those in front of you will generally prevail.

“Chemistry happens when we pay full attention to each other—never when we’re distracted. This is true in romantic relationships and in business relationships.”

So whenever possible, let that call go to voicemail. Close that chat window. And start spreading your emotional intelligence, one rich, face-to-face moment at a time.

http://www.success.com/article/the-leadership-secret-to-supercharging-your-team