5 Communication Mistakes That Kill Relationships

Communication problems often lead to relationship issues, which is no great surprise. If you can't communicate with your partner, how can you cultivate a sense of closeness and love?

Still, basic communication challenges often lead to broken relationships. It makes you wonder what everyone's doing wrong. We're going to cover five common communication omissions that threaten relationships.

1. Not asking unique, personal questions

"How was your day?"

There's nothing implicitly wrong with the above question. But, if repeated frequently, it lacks sincerity and shows a lack of effort. Many couples go through the motions of social platitudes because they don't know what else to say, but this kind of filler talk can be surprisingly devastating. Why?

When you say something canned, it implies you're doing it out of social duty, like nodding your head when you accidentally lock eyes with someone. "Oh, I guess I'm supposed to ask how your day was now.” This is not the message you want to send to someone you love.

When you say something unique, however, it's not only more engaging, it communicates: "I care about you." Try asking things like, "Did you learn anything new today?" or, "What made you smile today?"

The latter question is especially poignant because it shows that you're taking an active interest in their emotional well-being, and they'll get to relive the happiest part of their day. It's a better way to get a real conversation started, too.

2. Not stating the obvious

"I love you. Your beauty is what makes the birds sing (obviously)."

Sometimes, we need to hear the obvious. It's not enough to tell someone you love them once, because later they'll wonder, "But how about now?" The same goes for compliments. When our needs aren't being met, we'll look for it in other places, which can be a slippery slope.

3. Not communicating a problem or harsh truth

Strong relationships are built on the foundation of being able to talk about and talk through anything. The more difficult, awkward conversations you have, the more you'll trust each other.

4. Not communicating at all (or being passive aggressive)

Passive aggressiveness might be the most effective way to end a relationship. The very first rule of communication — the one that overrides any communication tip you hear — is that you have to DO IT. Not speaking to each other, only speaking defensively, and hiding behind thoughtless platitudes are all ways of shutting down communication channels. And when communication stops, whether literally or practically, that relationship will begin to die. Think about that the next time you're about to teach someone a lesson with silence.

Communication is the true life source of relationships. Keep it going and do it effectively, and you will overcome the obstacles all couples face, and after each victory, you'll be even closer. If you find that you never fight or argue, that's great, but be careful, because it may be a sign that you're not fully communicating with each other in order to "keep the peace."

5. Not listening and empathizing

When you hear the word "communication," do you imagine someone speaking or silently listening? Most of us would imagine speaking, but the key to communication is in understanding the other person. When both people seek to understand the other person, communication just works better. When both people are focused on communicating their own thoughts, who is there to listen?

Empathizing is another key component of relational communication. Empathy is understanding and joining in your partner's emotional state. And think about how important that is: if you don't show empathy, they will feel alone in their hardships. Many people, myself included, often jump into advice mode too quickly. But when people share their problems, they often don't need advice; they need emotional support.

Make the choice right now to commit to healthy communication practices in your relationship, and work together to improve as a team.

The first step: Share this with your significant other, and tell them which area(s) you personally intend to improve upon for them.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14106/5-communication-mistakes-that-kill-relationships.html

6 Ways to Get Anyone to Do Anything

There are several subtle ways to get people to commit to helping you out.

Adults and children alike often resist direct commands to perform tasks, especially when the people issuing the requests have no real or perceived authority. People who reluctantly comply with commands often develop resentment, which could take the form of passive aggression or not completing tasks as well as they could have been done.
There are, however, several techniques that reduce such resistance and increase the probability that people will do what you want them to—and, at the same time, maintain good relationships. with you. The trick is to get people to do what you want because they want to not because they have to.

1. Use the Magic Word  
My parents told me when I was a youngster that "please" was the magic word. I soon learned that when I prefaced my requests with "please," I tended to gain compliance. The word's magic powers of have carried over to adulthood. People really do tend to comply with requests when the word "please" is embedded in the request unless they have a good reason not to comply. Children will comply with their parents' edicts more readily if the word "please" is embedded somewhere in the command. "Please" is a command softener that gives the impression that the person who is being asked to perform a task has a degree of control in task compliance.

2. Say, "You're Welcome"-Plus
When thanked, most people respond, "You're welcome." But to make your response more powerful, add, "I know you would do the same for me." This invokes the psychological principle of reciprocity. When people are given something tangible—or even something intangible such as a compliment—they are psychologically predisposed to give something in return. Reciprocity increases the probability of compliance to future requests.

3. Get a Commitment
Getting a verbal commitment from people increases the likelihood of compliance. This technique is based on the psychological principle of consistency. People tend to follow through on verbal commitments because to do otherwise would induce cognitive dissonance or guilt. Verbal commitments are especially powerful when they are made in public. Getting a commitment transfers the responsibility of completing the task from the requester to the person asked to perform it, thus creating a sense of responsibility.
Example One

• Mom: I want your room cleaned up by the time I get home from work this afternoon.
• Child: Okay, I will.
• Mom: Good. I'm counting on you. Do I have your commitment that your room will be clean?
• Child: Yes, I'll clean my room right when I get home from school.

Example Two

• Salesperson: I am going to leave you with some brochures. Will you, at least, give me your commitment to look at the material before you make a decision to buy our competitor's product?
• Customer: Sure, I'll take a look at the material this evening.

In both examples, the probability of compliance increases significantly when a verbal commitment is made to take action on each request.

4. Embed Your Command
Embedded commands contain direct requests but the requests are surrounded by command softeners. You're still issuing commands; however, in this technique, the key is to cleverly embed the command within a string of softeners, the easiest being to add the word "please." For example:

• Command: Wash your hands before eating dinner.
• Embedded Command: Please wash your hands before dinner.

Sophisticated embedded commands can be constructed by using additional command softeners to the request. For example:

• Command: Fund my project.
• Embedded Command: After reading my proposal, the only conclusion that I think you can come to is to fund my project.

5. Be Presumptive
Construct your request with the presumption that the person to whom you are making the request has already completed the task. The presumptive gives the illusion of commitment where no commitment has actually yet been made. Most people will accept an implied commitment and feel an obligation to complete the task. And instilling a sense of urgency to the request will increase the probability of compliance. Adding implied incentives to the presumptive further increases the probability of compliance. The incentive may look like a bribe, but incentives serve as a reward for good behavior—and increase the probability of future compliance. Rewards do not have to be issued upon the completion of all requests; in fact, they're more effective when issued intermittently. The following examples illustrate the presumptive technique.

• Mom: After you rake the yard, why don't we go out and get an ice cream sundae.
• Child: Okay!

• Dad: Why don't you rake the leaves (handing a rake to his child) and I'll bag them.
• Child: Okay.

• Salesperson: After we close this deal, where do you want to have dinner?
• Client: I know of a nice restaurant nearby.

6. Add a Sense of Wonder
Introducing a sense of wonder in conversation or in the form of self-talk also increases the probability of compliance. People typically want to tell others about their expertise. Introducing a sense of wonder takes advantage of this tendency. If you need help with a task, seek out a person with that skill and during the course of your conversation simply muse, "I'm working on this project and I'm having some difficulty. I was wondering if you may have run into the same problem." An expert in the field will have difficulty not volunteering his or her expertise to show their mastery. They may even offer their services to help you solve the problem. This creates the illusion that the expert is offering his or her expertise and not being requested to provide advice or free services.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201109/6-ways-get-anyone-do-anything