The Ripple Effects of Kindness

It only takes a spark

to get a fire going,

and soon all those around

will warm up to its glowing...

That old song, called "Pass It On," used to be a popular one to end campouts and church retreats. Everyone would gather in a circle in the dark with an unlit candle, and as they sang the song, one candle would be illuminated. Then that candle would be touched to the wick of another, and the person holding that candle would pivot to the next, and so on, until every candle was lit and the darkness was driven away.

It only took a spark.

Lately, I've been thinking of kindness in that way - how it spreads from person to person, with the potential to light up the world.

Over the last 30 years, I've been listening to people's stories - the stories of their lives, and of what has caused them to be the way they are. Everyone has these stories of events from their past that caused them either unhappiness or happiness.

One thing I've learned in all this time is that we affect one another, and the way we treat others matters.

There's no getting around the cruel fact that the actions of people we're raised with matter. Some parents are loving, supportive, and kind, but then there are those who are cruel or even abusive. The words of such parents can have a lasting impact, with statements like "I wish you'd never been born," or "You'll never amount to anything." This can become part of a playlist that their children return to again and again throughout their lives, because it's incredibly difficult to change to a different soundtrack when one is so embedded into our subconscious.

Cruel words are sadly common, but physical or even sexual cruelty are also enacted upon children, and the memories of these actions, too, can reverberate for years.

You may know someone who had a very challenging childhood growing up, and if you do, you have likely seen the ripple effects of that early trauma. These people may leave their childhood and their families in the past, but as adults they may move on to instigating abuse in their own relationships, or they may numb themselves with drugs and alcohol.

Even if they avoid physical abuse of themselves (through substances) or others (through violence), people who were raised in an atmosphere of unkindness may themselves resort to being unkind to the people in their lives - the people they love. What we see in these situations is a cycle of pain that moves from one generation to the next.

Something that has surprised me over the years is that I have known people who went through incredibly difficult childhoods, and they have turned out beautifully. We might look at this outcome as being seemingly miraculous. How did they do it? How did they end the cycle of pain?

This is a topic I have explored with close attention for decades, and what I have found is that love makes its mark in people's lives. When people who have had challenging upbringings turn out helpful, loving, and kind, I believe we are seeing ripples of a loving presence that made its mark on their lives, perhaps outside of the home.

I really believe that no matter how challenging our young lives were, someone probably loved us unconditionally. Someone showed us unconditional kindness, even in the darkest of hours. It could be anyone. Are they angels? Are they beings that were sent to help us? Whatever they are, they're with all of us, and the spark of their lovingkindness passes on and on.

I've never found anyone who didn't have someone in their lives who showed them some kindness, some love, even when it seemed like everyone else in their lives was cruel to them.

Here's what I know about kindness: It has a ripple effect. The love of a single kind, angelic presence can issue from them in wave after wave after wave, washing over and through us and continuing on to touch those in our path. For some, even with the horrible things that are happening in their lives, they are able to take this kindness and turn it into something beautiful.

All of us have opportunities in our lives to be kind to others - to say something encouraging, to treat them in a friendly way, to show expressions of kindness toward them - and when we do this, we create a ripple of kindness that radiates in two directions: outward and inward.

The kindness that radiates outward toward others can help them to improve their lives by giving them hope, by helping them through difficult times, or by putting a smile on their face. We often do not know the effects of our kindness on others, but we can be sure that it makes a difference. It could be that someone goes home with a happier heart, and thus is more likely to share kindness with loved ones - perhaps with children.

And beyond eliciting a simple smile, our stopping and making time for kindness to others might pull them out of dark despair. It might help them when we don't realize that they're having a hard time. It could even spare a precious life from being ended through suicide. We don't know how far our ripples extend, but I believe they can go very far sometimes, and just by the mindset of love and care, we can help others to live an improved life.

Kindness is a source of hope for the hopeless. It opens the door to positive possibilities. When others are being kind to us and they really don't have to be, we take that in. We say, "Oh, maybe there is love, and maybe I can let that love in and even love myself." Even if we feel that we do not deserve kindness, we understand that someone else feels differently about us and our value and worth. Kindness loosens our bonds to let that love in, and as a result, we may begin to show compassion toward our own stoutly beating heart.

The ripple effects of kindness affect the people we come in contact with and the people they encounter after they leave us, and there is every reason to expect that the beat goes on and on and on. "It only takes a spark," as the song says. The more kindness we show, the more the world around us will become a much more beautiful place. There is so much negativity and darkness in our world, but our kindness can be a light.

I remember once going on a tour of a cave. There is a moment in most such tours where the guide turns out the lights, and there is no dark like that. It is a fact of physics that light can't bend; it can travel only in a straight line. Once we're in a cave like that, we've moved through narrow passages and around corners and up and down slopes, and there was no way for a ray of light to follow us there. That would be physically impossible.

If someone in the tour group happened to have a watch with a glowing dial or a lighted digital display, what a difference that would make! That light, imperceptible in the light of day, would be so bright in a dark cave because it's the only source of light to be found. Kindness is like this. When we're in our darkest places, the spark of the simplest friendly gesture can illuminate our lives and guide us on our way.

When the lights finally do come on in this part of the standard cave tour, what an experience that is. It is almost blinding. Maybe this would be considered low light under normal circumstances; maybe there's hardly any light at all. But kindness shines when people are in despair or struggling, and we can help people navigate by our example.

For the people in our daily lives - our friends and our family members - we have an opportunity throughout the day to share our kindness with them. Where we might come home to them and tease them, kid them, or make fun of them, we can instead choose a loving word that can encourage and lift them. This is something we can do throughout the day, wherever we are.

I have often counseled couples were struggling in their relationship. The main thing I try to impart to them is the importance of a tender word. I encourage them to say something friendly to them throughout each day to give each other hope and help them to feel love. We experience love through kindness, in romantic relationships, but also in our daily lives. For example, in the workplace, if we are a supervisor with employees who report to us, we can correct them, but for every correction, we should give them dozens of words of encouragement, too.

Sometimes people choose to be unkind to us. When this happens, a good choice can be to walk away and put distance between ourselves and the ugliness. Another alternative? We can be kind back to the person who has chosen to treat us cruelly. We are never required to be giving to those who take from us, emotionally or otherwise, but it is an option we might want to try, and a potent one. Unlikely as it seems, kindness is one of the most important forces in the universe.

I mentioned that kindness can radiate outwards toward others, but it can also radiate inwards towards ourselves. When this happens, we open ourselves up to happiness.

The truth is, happiness is only possible through kindness. We are not going to find happiness in our hearts if we treat others with unkindness, because kindness is part of the journey toward happiness. We honestly do need to be kind toward others if we want to find peace in our lives.

Those people who are kind are much more likely to be happy in life. They don't have to look in the mirror and say, "I'm a cruel, unkind person." Instead they can say that even if people are treating them unkindly, they can be kind toward others.

It is really important that we understand the value of maintaining boundaries when we are dealing with cruel and sadistic people. Everyone needs kindness in their lives, but those who would choose to abuse you do not need their kindness to come from you. If someone is being cruel to you in your life right now, you should recognize that you have the right to get up and walk away - and if someone is being physically or sexually abusive, you must find a way to exit that situation the moment you can do so safely. There are resources to help, including the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233).

Beyond abuse, many of us find that the world is not a kind place, but even when we see others out to cause misery and unhappiness, we can choose to be that watch dial in the cave, or that circle of candles, lit one wick to the next until night starts to look like day. When we take the many opportunities we have to be kind throughout the day, we can feel the ripple effects of kindness inside of us, radiating through self-love.

There are many parts to living a happy life, but one of the main ones is kindness. I doubt you or I will ever meet a truly happy person who is unkind, because a person who is unkind will never find happiness. The ripple effects would be so damaging to themselves and to others in their lives.

You are reading this because you desire a life filled with happiness. Maybe we all want such a life, but you have taken steps to embrace happiness and to welcome it into your life. I have been talking about happiness for quite a long time, with individual, with groups, and with listeners and readers in various formats. I am always promoting the value of meditation - of finding that still, small voice inside of us, of getting in sync with nature, of slowing down our frenzied lives. I suggest making time for pleasure and counting our blessings. But one of the most important means to becoming happy is kindness. It's the one component of a happy life that has no substitute and that must be our set point if we are to know the bliss we seek.

All of us are here in this human existence so that we can be happy and at peace. We can create happiness in ourselves by one means more than any other: by being kind. And because kindness ripples outward, we can make the world a better place if we work towards cultivating kindness in others.

https://ezinearticles.com/?The-Ripple-Effects-of-Kindness&id=10347712

Abraham Hicks | You Are So Much MORE Than You Think | Law Of Attraction (LOA)

Message From the Universe: Living a Challenging Life and Loving Every Minute of It

"You didn't choose this lifetime thinking it would be without challenges. You chose it, in large part, for the challenges you now have.

You've got it made,

The Universe"

No one can really choose their family, we are born in it. We see many kids growing up with abusive parents, dysfunctional families, and ending up with huge self-worth and self esteem issues. Some parents aren't set up to have kids on their own, especially when they can't even take care of themselves. They been raised with so much hatred and abuse and repeats the same to their own offspring. It is sad but you see it everyday. Don't people learn? Most things in life can be reversible if you make the necessary changes needed from the start. Never feel like it is too late. When you feel you are gaining lots of weight, don't feel like you are destined to be obese for the rest of your life. You can stop obesity in its track and start exercising and eating healthier. I did that myself and went into bodybuilding. I am not different than any other person out there, I just felt like I didn't want to be jailed by my own body and feel like I lost total control of my life. If I did it, everyone else can do it.

But without challenges, how will life be? Will it be fun, boring, anticipated, uneventful? Why is the line of success never a straight one? These challenges come in, distort the path you are in, to create a new venue for you to cross and offer better opportunities in your life. You should accept and embrace changes in your life, especially when you feel that these changes are going to present new exciting outcomes and allow you to become a better person throughout this process. You are in control of your own destiny, no one can come and intervene, and if so, just ignore the naysayers and move forward no matter what. Remember that those who are to afraid of your success are the one who will come up with negative responses to your actions. They are even afraid of their own shadow, and are stuck in their mundane life that they refuse to accept someone who has more guts than they do. So when you see people trying to put a stick in your wheels, just smile because you know that people fear your ambitions, your dedication and your drive to succeed.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Message-From-the-Universe:-Living-a-Challenging-Life-and-Loving-Every-Minute-of-It&id=9637575

Is There an Ego? (By Richard G Harvey)

Is there ego or not? Do we have one? Is it desirable at all? What is it? Why are we so confused with the endless spiritual messages-usually negative-concerning ego?

The word ego simply means "I." It denotes the self-sense; when born a human being we participate in some identity and recognize it as our self. In western psychology it has been judged "a good thing." In eastern spirituality it has been judged "a bad thing." This is because the religions and philosophies of the east have tended to be preoccupied with transcending the world and those of the west have been concerned with preparing in this world for an afterlife. Thus, for example, Indians have a downer on ego, while Europeans tend to rely on ego for mental health. In the west we have overemphasized ego; in the east they have denied ego. One way of dealing with this twin imbalance is to synthesize east and west. Vivekananda did this when he said that Indian boys instead of learning meditation should play football.

In Sacred Attention Therapy, we clarify the process of ego by practically observing and revealing that it has a different role and function according to what stage of psycho-spiritual development we're in. For example, it does little good to say to someone in the first two stages of awakening that the ego doesn't exist-a popular shibboleth for advaita adherents today... and before I get spiritually assassinated by the advaita zealots just allow me enough breath to tell briefly this wonderful story of Ramana Maharshi, the Indian saint who perhaps more than anyone was responsible for introducing us to this profound teaching.

When a Moslem contractor who was harvesting tamarind at Ramana's ashram catapulted stones at the monkeys, he inadvertently killed one. The monkeys carried the corpse to Ramana in their grief and anger to gain his wisdom. After joining with them in and mirroring their distress, he said, "Death is inevitable for everyone who is born. He at whose hands this monkey died will also meet with death one day. There is no need to grieve." Pacified by Ramana's loving kindness, the monkeys left carrying the corpse.

Now, we notice Ramana did not say there is no ego, no body, no self. He didn't choose to slap sense into them. He simply met the situation and reflected the events clearly and compassionately in a way that was appropriate.

Please (this to the advaitists) stop telling all the world that there is no I, no self, no body, and so on. It can only be interpreted by many of us as a nihilist philosophy leading to despair. Some people are fragile in mind and heart, some are damaged and wounded. Some are trying very hard to build a strong sense of self, an ego, and perhaps in time they will find themselves ready to receive the teachings of no-self... but they are not ready, not yet.

You would not teach this to a young child and many of us are still like young children... So don't catapult stones at us.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-There-an-Ego?&id=10010321

Does Your Past Hold You Back? What Keeps You Trapped?

Your expectations may be flawed

When you have experienced a serious setback or life-changing event, it is natural to feel vulnerable, fearful, angry and hurt. You may be thinking, Why has this happened to me? Why did he do this to me? I did not deserve this. It should not have happened. A loving God would not have allowed it.

Hidden within such questions are expectations that are not necessarily realistic. For example, that life and people are always fair, that anybody is exempt from hardship and strife, that there is always an obvious reason for why things happen. And as for God... who knows what he/she would or wouldn't do?

Poisoned by blame

Seeking someone or something to blame is a common response to difficult events. But blame keeps you focused on the past. It keeps you in a state of helpless anger. It may also serve as justification for not getting on with life. Even if your hardships were due to other people's faults, meanness or carelessness, don't let it trap you into hate and thoughts of revenge. Hard as it may be, the past has to be accepted as a fact. This does not excuse or minimise what happened but only by taking responsibility for yourself from now on, do you have a chance of becoming free.

Stuck in analysis paralysis

The question 'why' is so seductive that we often get stuck searching for an explanation. But sometimes it is simply not possible to find one. Many events are so random that it defies explanation. You may have been born into difficult circumstances. Perhaps you were at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people? If you can't find a satisfactory explanation for past events, accept the uncertainty, let the past be the past and turn to the future.

Tripped up by hindsight

I should have known better... I should have seen it coming... Speculating about what you should or could have done in the past is a form of self-sabotage. Clairvoyants may have the ability to look into the future and foresee other people's actions. But usually people do the best they can with what they've got at the time. Speculative hindsight only keeps you focused on the problem rather than looking for solutions to your predicament.

Stinkin' thinkin'

Anticipating a terrible future, catastrophising, black-and-white thinking, 'shoulda, woulda, coulda', are very convincing thoughts and seem so true. However, most of the time they are unrealistic, over-dramatic, fear-based or simply wrong. They also close you off from seeing new options and stepping forward. Replace stinkin' thinkin' with thoughts that are realistic, life-affirming and helping you find a way forward.

Resisting or denying your pain

When pain gets too overwhelming, it's common to seek relief and avoid feeling it: Ignoring or numbing it with alcohol, drugs (legal and illegal), sex, workaholism, excessive use of technology etc. However, until you honestly look at your pain, it will hold you in its grip. The only way to resolve painful feelings is to feel and acknowledge them, understand their context and accept them as a wound from the past that no longer needs to hold you back. Then you can take positive steps to heal.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Does-Your-Past-Hold-You-Back?-What-Keeps-You-Trapped?&id=9718974

Double Vision Filtering What We See

How clearly can you see people, events and situations? 'Crystal clear' most people will say' 'I was there, I know what I saw!' But do they, really? Why then are there so many interpretations of the same event by the same audience. When our eyes complete processing of any object it is transmitted to our brain, that amazing storage bank that houses every life experience, everything we have learned and even the memory of the emotions that were involved in what we learned. Suddenly what we 'saw' has been filtered through what we know or believe is true and even our emotions impacted what we saw and believed. Therein are the differences in what people see.

When we are unclear about what we see we do a comparison analysis of events, equating it to things we have witnessed or experienced in the past and what we believed was true about those things. A seasoned traveller will have an entirely different perspective than the person who has never left their city or state. One who has been exposed to abuse or dysfunctional behavior has been trained to deny what they see, to excuse the inexcusable in many cases. They see things differently than those who have been exposed to a loving balanced environment. In fact, most simply accept their environment as normal without question. We are at a far greater disadvantage when we are unaware that things are way off kilter, far more prone to interpret events that are dangerous or horrific with less emotion. We can't call a spade a spade because we don't see it as a spade; we imagine we are a survivor and act accordingly.

By the time most people say, 'that might not have been normal' they imagine it is too late to change and continue through life peering through broken lens. Every deduction is likely to be skewered; many spend a lifetime feeling misunderstood and rarely voice their opinion imagining it will be criticized. Others spend their life being angry because others just cannot see what they see. When we are caught up in these behavior patterns releasing them requires a retraining process to understand what we really see. Until we complete that process we must interrupt the normal progression of interpretation by not accepting the first response. Instead, we have to run the image back through again paying careful attention to the details in the images. It is much like converting a photo from color to black and white so as not to be distracted. This allows us to focus only on what is before us without emotion, without attachment to the outcome.

Practicing this on events and personal involvement with anyone or anything has an added bonus. You can kick your old companions named denial and delusion to the curb because you can correctly identify what you see! Doing so carries the promise of a brand new life.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Double-Vision-Filtering-What-We-See&id=9677298

With Self-Confidence And Humility, Go For Your Dreams and Goals Guilt Free (By James Nussbaumer)

During my thirties I spent much time in the Clearwater, Florida area, not only expanding my business practice as a financial advisor, but also playing some good golf.

The golf course proved to be a great place to meet with other business professionals in their own spare time, and to take advantage of the Florida sunshine.

I could see that this nice man, about my same age, had undoubtedly been at the game of golf for many years.

One lovely sunny afternoon at Lansbrook Golf Course in Palm Harbor, while grinding away at my own swing on the driving range, perhaps fantasy about my own goals and dreams, I met Jon Phillips.

Even an inexperienced golfer, someone who had never touched a golf club before, would be able to spot a talent as Jon played.

It couldn't have looked any finer.

I watched in amazement as he used his small, slender frame to pound ball after ball off the practice tee, just as precisely as possible.

To reach for goals and go for your dreams is essential for gaining confidence in all that you pursue in life. Doing so guilt free and all loving, regardless of what others may think you should otherwise do, helps your character shape up nicely and gives you a sense of accomplishment.

A Course in Miracles states, "Love is not learned. Its meaning lies within itself."

No golfer could have developed a swing like his without years of devotion to the craft.

Learn the law of attraction for your dreams and goals

I accepted, and discovered by talking with others in that group of great guys that Jon was considered by many to be one of the best golfers not only in the area, but in the entire state of Florida.

The two of us were soon off to a good start at par in a great friendship.

I soon learned that Jon's real goals and dreams were in taking his self-built small communications company to a greater level. At the time the company was barely funding his golfing addiction, as well as supporting a lovely family and personal life.

Jon had won all of the local tournaments "hands down," over and over, and several trophies from state and regional events as well, never having declared himself to professional status.

They wanted to help

Some affluent area business owners formed a group to offer Jon financial backing, urging him to head to the pro circuit. They wanted to help him pursue the PGA Tour. These guys--mostly older men, some retired--could see themselves in Jon.

After a couple of rounds of golf together, Jon invited me to become a regular in his Monday and Thursday golf league that played at other courses in addition to Lansbrook, which I was calling my home golf course.

There was nothing in it financially for them. They just wanted to see a local talent prove himself in the big time golf world, a chance they wished they 'd had themselves in their younger golfing days.

This league was competitive and helped me to gain confidence in my game.

His humility

I would often notice others trying to make Jon feel guilty, and they would talk behind his back about not understanding why he would not take advantage of this offer--"the chance of a lifetime" as they saw it.

Jon's likability blueprint and humble nature and personality had "champion" projected within a guilt-free halo over his head. Jon would not accept their grand sponsorship and he let go of the idea. All he would say with humility was that it was "not what he wanted."

This would be a dream come true for almost all exceptional and serious golfers at Jon's level of play; but the offer was only for Jon, and not for anyone else.

You would see why this good-hearted group of men wanted to help him if you'd ever met Jon. He seemed to understand miracle manifestation in a modern-day sense.

The same individuals who criticized and judged Jon for this would try to project an image of him as lacking belief in himself.

Never a scarcity mentality

He could quickly and easily let go of the past. This man was a "player." He was always the finest of gentlemen when conceding a match, too.

I 'd seen his guilt free composure when lining up an eight-foot, sliding, left-to-right, downhill putt, needed to win a golf match.

I say guilt-free, because I 'd witnessed his confidence level even when some bad luck came his way, for example, causing him to become two strokes down with three holes to play, and needing an "up and downer" from a deep greenside bunker just to stay in contention.

Jon seemed to have reached an inner abundance we'd all like to tap into.

I could see, simply from playing competitive golf with this humble guy that Jon had no reason for overcoming guilt of any size for not accepting the offer, and a lacking or scarcity mentality was not the case.

Jon Phillips had what many of us golfers imagine in our own goals and dreams.

To your dreams and goals guilt free

http://ezinearticles.com/?With-Self-Confidence-And-Humility,-Go-For-Your-Dreams-and-Goals-Guilt-Free&id=9741162

The Top Secret to Being Happy Forever: Science Says It Is Possible!

Is it possible to stay happy forever? Yes, theoretically it is absolutely possible to be always happy. Feeling happy (or any other feeling for that matter) is a result of chemicals produced by your body. There are two chemicals that can make you happy: dopamine and oxytocin. If you get happy on dopamine, it is only temporary. If you get happy on oxytocin, there is no limit to how long you can sustain it. Moreover, oxytocin-induced happiness turns on healthy genes, affects the microbiome in a positive way and helps cellular regeneration, among other things. Dopamine-induced happiness doesn't do any of that. So the goal is to make your body produce oxytocin rather than dopamine in order to sustain happiness.

Firstly, here is how you produce dopamine: You plan a shopping frenzy and start to get excited (dopamine starts to rise). You are at the mall, looking at wonderful shoes (dopamine raises even more). You try on the shoes and pick the ones you like (dopamine climaxes / you feel super happy). You swipe your credit card (dopamine starts to decrease / you start to look for the next stimulant to make you happy). I am not making this up. Studies have been documented on dopamine levels during shoe shopping expeditions and that's exactly the pattern of "high" and "low" that was observed.

For guys it looks like that: You plan your new car purchase (dopamine rises / the excitement starts building up). You are test driving your prospective new acquisition (dopamine rises more). You decide on the car you are going to buy (wow, dopamine levels are over the sky / you feel super happy). You sign the lease and there it goes again - the dopamine starts to wear off and with that your happiness starts to disappear too.

On a daily basis, we get our dopamine/happiness fix from coffee, chocolate, complements and approval from other people and other such stimulants. It feels good for a second and the next second we are looking for the next fix because the previous one just wasn't enough. What's more, the next dose of dopamine stimulation needs to be higher or else we won't feel its effect. Sounds familiar? Sounds exhausting? It is definitely not sustainable because you are always looking for an external stimulus (coffee, your parents' approval, your partner's love, your kids' accomplishments, your own accomplishments, more accomplishments, more coffee, more chocolate... wow, that is exhausting!)

Now, how about we make oxytocin and get happy on it instead? You make oxytocin by being in gratitude, by loving people (while expecting nothing in return), by sharing with loved ones, by caring and genuinely giving to others (again, expecting nothing in return!), by practicing forgiveness, by feeling compassion. The more you do that, the more it comes back, and the more oxytocin you make. There is no limit to how much oxytocin your body can produce; therefore there is no limit to your happiness. And the best part: it is entirely internally sourced and costs nothing! You feel sad - decide to give, and to love, and to forgive. You feel angry - turn to gratitude. You feel tired - spend time with loved ones, share with people you care for. You can also mediate. Or say a mantra for a minute or two (here is my favorite one: "I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you.") The point is, you can be sad, angry, tired or unhappy and be happy with all of it and grateful for all of it. This way, you are happy when you are happy, and you are also happy when you are unhappy.

If you need help with making oxytocin, you may want to consider doing a meditation course, or some kind of emotional release therapy or a BodyTalk session.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Top-Secret-to-Being-Happy-Forever:-Science-Says-It-Is-Possible!&id=9447258

The Smiling, Old Man - A True Story (By Awnish Todi)

One day when I went shopping for groceries to a market with my mother, I came across an old man who was selling tomatoes. He wasn't the only vendor there selling tomatoes and his wares weren't the juiciest. But there was still something about him that made him stand out in a crowd of so many people shouting and bargaining.

He was an old man of about 60, blind in one eye and his head had tufts of short white hair. When he looked at me, he smiled like a small child; even though all his teeth, maybe except about five were broken, that was the heartiest smile I had seen in a long time. It was very odd because he only smiled at me and it looked as if he was calling me to his stall. I told my mother I was going to see some tomatoes and went to talk to the old man. He couldn't stop smiling and as I approached him I asked him what it was that made him so happy?

He told me that I reminded him of his daughter who he lost many years ago. He could never believe that she was gone and was always looking for her face in a sea of people entering and leaving the grocery market every day. And finally after 15 years, he said that he had found her.

He wasn't always a vegetable vendor. He owned a farm in a village a few hours away from the main city where he lived with his daughter and wife. His wife died during child birth and he was left all alone to raise his small daughter. He said he wasn't always so happy, especially after his wife died he was always angry. He was mostly angry at God for taking away his wife who he loved so dearly. Everyone in the village was scared of the man and no one ever approached him for anything. Everyone, except his daughter. You'd think he was very loving towards her for she was the living symbol of his love for his wife but that wasn't so. He had a very constrained relationship with her because he was so scared of getting hurt again if he lost her. But the girl never let this bother her. She loved her father and looked after him and his needs. The villagers always discussed how this girl would one day melt his heart and return his smile to him. That smile did come, but at a big cost.

One monsoon day it started raining very heavily and didn't stop for another four days, the old man told me. His daughter went out in the fields, against his permission to rescue all their farm animals. That was the third day of the heavy rain. Two days went by but the girl was nowhere to be found. Finally, some villager saw her lying by a field completely drenched and breathing her last. The entire village rushed to call her father from his house.

He was heartbroken and distraught seeing his 15-year-old daughter paying the price for wanting to save some animals. He asked her why she was leaving him, what was the meaning of all this, and that he should go in her place. But she only told him, in a very soft voice, that life wouldn't be as difficult for him for she was taking all his pain away and leaving him behind with a beautiful smile.

He said that he smiles at everyone because he truly believes that it can rid people of the world of all their ills and fill everyone's lives with happiness. And if his daughter left him in charge of caring for the world by only smiling at everyone, he would do that for many more years as he had been doing for the past 15 years.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Smiling,-Old-Man---A-True-Story&id=9431905

How To Strengthen A Relationship

Don't ask on how to prolong the relationship, instead, find means to strengthen it.

Strengthening differs from prolonging. To prolong means stretching the duration of something while to strengthen means to reinforce. Frankly, lengthening is not a real solution. You are merely patching the wound without the intention of healing it. If you feel that it's no longer working between the two of you, do not look for an artificial cure. Seek encouragement and not a meaningless extension of agony for your love connection.

Loving someone is definitely not a walk in the park. If you are in it just for the joy and glory of it, sooner or later the relationship you have now is bound to fall apart. In love, you are never "always" happy, sometimes you have to shed those tears and experience excruciating heartbreaks. Never prolong a relationship. If that is your way of thinking, your moments together will be monotonous instead of dynamic. Focus on the things that build the foundation of your love like these 5 tips.

1. Don't give 100% of yourself

Contrary to what other people believe in, giving your all is one of the major reasons why a relationship dwindles. You have to maintain a sense of balance and leave something for yourself. Not all commitments are bound to end in a "happily n' ever after", sometimes you are cheated and left crushed down to the core. At least, when you leave even just a small portion for yourself, you have something to get back on your feet. Use that remaining part of you to pull yourself up from breakdown.

2. Put "trust" at the center

Trust should be the center of your love. A relationship built on trust can withstand any test of time. Patience, understanding, and honesty will follow when you place confidence in your partner. In a relationship, you don't have to take the freedom from your loved one. It's okay to be jealous but don't let it reach the point wherein you are already making him feel imprisoned. Never control each other, allow him to love you out of his own free will.

3. Consistently work for it

To love is like planting a seed. You don't just simply bury it into the ground and let it grow by itself, doing that will only conclude death. You have to take care of it, cultivate, in order for it to prosper. If you used to send lovely bouquets, why should you stop doing so when you are now closer than ever? Buy flowers online, show her you still care, and continue that loving gesture. The moment you stop making efforts for the other is when a relationship starts to wither. To love is to struggle daily for the person you love.

4. Be prepared for the consequences

Who says loving someone is always a joyous ride? If you just want a happy and fun relationship then you must be daydreaming. There will always be ups and downs, fights and reconciliations. Before committing to a relationship, make sure you are willing to face its consequences. If both of you don't have the same values and principles, are you ready to compromise? Position your mind to accept everything that you have to deal with once you enter into a relationship.

5. Be willing to sacrifice

There will be instances wherein you have to give up something for the sake of the other person. Are you ready to sacrifice for the happiness of the other? Your willingness to sacrifice reflects how much you value the person. To love is giving without expecting a benefit. But as what I've mentioned in number one, there should be a limit. Everything excessive is always harmful. You are in a relationship in order to help each other grow and definitely not to slowly destroy your well-being.

These tips will never guarantee a happy and strong relationship. It takes a responsible man and woman to acknowledge their mistakes and learn to reconcile. If you truly love the person, the relationship would always be more important than personal gains. As long as you choose to never give up on each other, soon you will discover how to make things work between the two of you.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Strengthen-A-Relationship&id=9419605

How to Get Over Relationship Anxiety

Where it comes from and how (and how not to) deal with it.

“She isn’t attracted to me anymore. She never acts as excited to see me when I come home. Why can’t it just be like it was in the beginning?”

My friend has just entered into the first of two common phases of relationship insecurity—rhetorical questioning. The internal investigation continues, “She takes forever to answer my texts. Doesn’t she miss me when I’m gone? She used to always laugh at my jokes. Do you think she’s interested in someone else?”

Then comes phase two—turning on himself. “It’s because I’m losing my looks. I’m away too often. She doesn’t think I’m fun anymore. I can’t make her happy. There’s something wrong with me. She wants someone better.”

We’ve all most likely been at one or the other end of this scenario; either the worrier or the partner of the worrier. Chances are, we’ve experienced both. Insecurity

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, as most of us know first-hand, can be toxic to our closest relationships. And while it can bounce back and forth from partner to partner, both the cause of our insecurity and its cure reside in us alone.

Source: lightwavemedia/Shutterstock

Unsurprisingly, studies

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 have found that people with low self-esteem have more relationship insecurity, which can prevent them from experiencing the benefits of a loving connection. People with low self-esteem not only want their partner to see them in a better light than they see themselves, but in moments of self-doubt, they have trouble even recognizing their partner’s affirmations. Further, the acting out of our insecurities can push a partner away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because this struggle is internal and goes on most of the time, independent of circumstances, it’s important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner into them. We can do this by taking two steps:

• Uncover the real roots of our insecurity.
• Challenge the inner critic that sabotages our relationship.

1. Where does our insecurity come from?

Nothing awakens distant hurts like a close relationship. Our relationships stir up old feelings from our past more than anything else. Our brains are even flooded with the same neurochemical in both situations.

We all have working models

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 for relationships that were formed in our early attachments to influential caretakers. Whatever our early pattern was shapes our adult relationships, a subject I address in more detail in the blog “How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

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.” Our style of attachment

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 influences which partners we choose and the dynamics that play out in our relationships. A secure attachment pattern helps a person to be more confident and self-possessed. However, when someone has an anxious or preoccupied attachment style, they may be more likely to feel insecure toward their partner.

Knowing our attachment style is beneficial, because it can help us to realize ways we may be recreating a dynamic from our past. It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships, which can actually, in turn, change our attachment style. Finally, it can make us more aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation.

Our insecurities can further stem from a “critical inner voice

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” that we’ve internalized based on negative programming from our past. If we had a parent who hated themselves, for example, or who directed critical attitudes toward us, we tend to internalize this point of view and carry it with us like a cruel coach inside our heads. This inner critic tends to be very vocal about the things that really matter to us, like our relationships. Take the example of my friend, mentioned above. First the critical inner voice fueled doubts about his girlfriend’s interest in him, then it turned on him. The second he perceived the situation through the filter of his critical inner voice, which told him his girlfriend was pulling away, his mind flooded with terrible thoughts toward himself. One minute, he was just fine. The next minute, he was listening to an inner voice telling him all the ways he couldn’t measure up, that he was being rejected.

Relationships shake us up. They challenge core feelings we have about ourselves and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones. They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past. If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner won’t just feel like a current frustration. It has the potential to send us back into the emotional state of a terrified child, who needed our parent for survival. As hard as it may feel to connect our contemporary reactions with beliefs, attitudes and experiences from our early lives, it is an invaluable tool for getting to know ourselves, and ultimately, for challenging behaviors that don’t serve us or even fit with our real, adult life.

2. How to Deal With Relationship Insecurity

In order to challenge our insecurity, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. We should try to catch it each and every time is creeps into our minds. Sometimes, it may be easy. We’re getting dressed to go out on a date, and it screeches, “You look awful! You’re so fat. Just cover yourself up. He’ll never be attracted to you.” Other times, it’ll be more sneaky, even soothing sounding, “Just keep to yourself. Don’t invest or show her how you feel, and you won’t get hurt.” This voice can even turn on our partner in ways that make us feel more insecure, “You can’t trust him. He’s probably cheating on you!” Identifying this critical inner voice is the first step to challenging it. Here you can learn specific steps you can take to conquer this inner critic

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 and keep it from infiltrating your love life.

As we start to challenge these negative attitudes toward ourselves, we must also make an effort to take actions that go against the directives of our critical inner voice. In terms of a relationship, that means not acting out based on unwarranted insecurities or acting in any ways we don’t respect. Here are some helpful steps to take:

Maintain your independence. It’s crucial to keep a sense of ourselves separate from our partner. As Dr. Daniel Siegel

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 has said, the goal for a relationship should be to make a fruit salad and not a smoothie. In other words, we shouldn’t forego essential parts of who we are in order to become merged into a couple. Instead, each of us should work to maintain the unique aspects of ourselves that attracted us to each other in the first place, even as we move closer. In this way, each of us can hold strong, knowing that we are a whole person in and of ourselves.

Don’t act out no matter how anxious you are. Of course, this is easier said than done, but we all know our insecurities can precipitate some pretty destructive behavior. Acts of jealousy or possessiveness can hurt our partner, not to mention us. Snooping through their text messages, calling every few minutes to see where they are, getting mad every time they look at another attractive person—these are all acts that we can avoid no matter how anxious it makes us, and in the end, we will feel much stronger and more trusting. Even more importantly, we will be trustworthy.

Because we can only change our half of the dynamic, it’s always valuable to think about if there are any actions we take that push our partner away. If we’re acting in a way we respect, and we still don’t feel like we’re getting what we want, we can make a conscious decision to talk about it with our partner or change the situation, but we never have to feel victimized or allow ourselves to act in ways that we don’t respect.

Don’t seek reassurance. Looking to our partner to reassure us when we feel insecure only leads to more insecurities. Remember, these attitudes come from inside us, and unless we can overcome them within ourselves, it won’t matter how smart, sexy, worthy or attractive our partner tells us we are. No matter what, we must strive to feel okay within ourselves. This means really and fully accepting the love and affection our partner directs toward us. However, it doesn’t mean looking to our partner at every turn for reassurance to prove we are okay, a burden that weighs on our partner and detracts from ourselves.

Stop measuring. It’s important not to constantly evaluate or assess our partner’s every move. We have to accept that our partner is a separate person with a sovereign mind. We won’t always see things the same way or express our love in the same way. This doesn’t mean we should settle for someone who doesn’t offer us what we want in a relationship, but when we do find someone who we value and love, we should try not to enter into a tit-for-tat mentality in which we continuously measure who owes who what and when.

A relationship should be equal in terms of maturity and kindnesses exchanged. If things feel off, we can communicate clearly what we want, but we shouldn’t expect our partner to read our minds or know exactly what to do all the time. As soon as we get into the blame game

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, it’s a hard cycle from which to break free .

Go all in. We all have anxiety, but we can increase our tolerance for the many ambiguities that every relationship inevitably presents by being true to ourselves. We can invest in a person even when we know they have the power to hurt us. Keeping one foot out the door only keeps the relationship from becoming as close as it can and may even undermine it altogether. When we allow ourselves to be loved and to feel loving, we are bound to also feel anxious, but sticking it out has more rewards than we may imagine. When we take a chance without letting our insecurities dictate our behavior, the best case scenario is that the relationship blossoms, and the worst case is that we grow within ourselves. No time is wasted that taught us something about ourselves or that helped nourish our capacity to love and be vulnerable. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201509/how-get-over-relationship-anxiety