Relationship Destroying Behaviors: Stonewalling (5 Tips for Breaking Through)

There are four behaviors so deadly to a relationship, whether romantic, family and friends, or business, that they have been called 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' by relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D.. He names them:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

This time we look at Stonewalling

Relationships are about you and something (like money) or someone else (family, friend, lover). When someone actively disengages from a conversation or the relationship, Gottman calls it stonewalling. It is very hard on a relationship. 'Active' and 'disengagement' are the key words.

"I need to talk to you."

[Silence]

"Can we talk please?"

[silence]

"If you don't talk to me I'm going to burn that &*%$#@ paper!"

[ducking behind the newspaper?-?more silence]

[Sounds of a flame thrower come from the kitchen.]

Stonewalling shows up as silent treatments, a refusal to engage, and withdrawal?-?in general just ignoring the other. When stonewalling is present there are usually several of the other horsemen also galloping about and wreaking havoc. Stonewalling always escalates the conflict. It invites conflict, contempt, and defensiveness in an attempt to break the silence.

Remember that our biggest need in a relationship is to be heard and know that our feelings matter. The 'other' will get louder and more insistent in his or her demands for our attention until eventually just giving up and checking out emotionally. Call the coroner. I've heard many people say "We've been emotionally divorced for years." Stonewalling is where it starts.

So what to do:

Realize your system (relationship) is in a state of alarm and needs immediate attention.

1. If you are the one who is stonewalling explore the fears behind why you are not engaging. Is there a part of your identity that is at risk? Do you feel it just makes matters worse? Are you overwhelmed by emotion and anxiety and just can't handle it?

2. It may be helpful to explain why you are withholding. What do you need from the other in order to be able to speak freely? Do you need to know that what you share will be held in confidence? Do you need to speak uninterrupted for a length of time? Do you need to set aside a time and/or place to have a difficult conversation?

3. Is there a real threat of danger? Do you need a neutral place to meet, or a third party present? Do you need to have an agreement that there will be no screaming or bullying? What do you need to create a place where communication can happen?

4. If your partner is stonewalling take a look at what you are doing that would cause the other to feel unsafe in expressing him/herself. Have you been judgmental? Parental? Are you being critical or contemptuous? Is s/he fearful that you will dismiss his/her ideas? Do you have to be right? Do you yell and bully?

5. Focus on how YOU want to be and how you want things to be between you. Show up in the way you want regardless of what the other does. If you can show up as your highest and best self your friend/partner will have a better shot at doing that also.

Relationship coaching can be a powerful witness and change agent for your relationship. Don't wait until your relationship is taking its last breath before you seek help!

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Top 10 Actions To Increase Your Memory

There are numerous things that contribute to a good memory. The health of your brain is amongst the most crucial. It's natural for memory to decrease with age, however there are numerous ways to slow that decrease. A bad memory can be frustrating for everybody involved. There are simple steps you can take to enhance your memory at any age.

Increase your memory with these simple actions:

1. Change your diet plan. Research recommends that omega-3 fats and an anti-inflammatory diet can enhance memory. Your diet impacts all aspects of your body. Modify your diet and you alter your capability to store and recover memories. There are a number of variations of anti-inflammatory diets. Experiment and see which works best for you.

2. Handle stress. Stress is hard on your body, brain, and memory. Stress has been linked to decreases in memory. Set affordable expectations for your life. Discover how to relax and avoid stress. Ensure that you're getting enough free time.

3. Get enough sleep. Scientists are still puzzled about what occurs while we sleep, but it has actually been discovered that our brains don't work too well when we've been denied adequate sleep. One late night on the town will prove this fact to anyone. Get enough sleep and your memory will be enhanced.

Stick with a routine sleep schedule.

Avoid caffeine.

Try napping for a middle of the day pick-me-up.

4. Use repetition. It's much more effective to expose yourself to something consistently over time than to attempt to learn it in one sitting. If you're trying to learn French vocabulary words for example, six 5-minute sessions will be more advantageous than one 30-minute session. The popular flash card program, Anki, uses spaced repetition to help memory.

5. Keep your mind active. Do something every day that requires a lot of brain activity. Reading, crossword puzzles, chess, and numerous brain teasers work at keeping your mind active and sharp. Avoid depending on just a single activity. Mix it up and hit your brain from every angle.

6. Be creative. Creativity utilizes different parts of the brain than the more analytical functions we normally perform. Paint, draw, discover an instrument, or compose. Anything needing creativity can be beneficial.

7. Workout. Moving blood through your body and brain can boost memory. Obesity can cause blood sugar and circulatory concerns. Both can impair memory. You do not need to pretend you're training for the Olympics, however get your heart pumping for a few minutes each day.

8. Write things down. It's much easier to remember something if you write it down, instead of just hearing or reading it.

9. Say it aloud. Utilize all of your senses. State it so that you can hear it. If you write it, read it aloud, and imagine it, it will be a lot easier to keep in mind. Expose yourself to the information you want to remember in a variety of different ways.

10. Maintain healthy relationships. Some memory specialists think that relationships are the key to keeping your brain healthy and active. It has actually been found that those with the busiest social lives have the slowest decreases in memory.

Invest more time with friends and family.

Make some brand-new friends or join a club.

Volunteer.

Even if you think you've been pestered with a bad memory, it can be easily boosted.

Minimizing tension, challenging your brain on a regular basis, and getting enough sleep are a few of the steps that can be taken to enhance memory function. It's never too late to pay attention to your memory.

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