How to be great in relationships?
Oh, I love this [question].
How to be great in a relationship begins with having the intention to be great.
I know that sounds simple, but you meet so many people who jump into a relationship that they’re so excited about… to find their boyfriend or girlfriend, to get married, to have that husband, that wife or partner and they’re so excited, yet then over a period of time what ends up happening? They get caught up in a routine and get to know the person better and develop habits, responses and pet peeves. And all of a sudden they stop seeing the magic in the very person they met with and had intention to grow this great relationship with.
We’re going to be amazing together. People stop putting great intention and great efforts into their relationships and over a period of time they feel ho-hum and they start to die.
You and I both know that, so the challenge is this… if you want to have a great relationship your intention must be to be great, to make the other person feel great and to build a great life together.
Now, I know it’s not always easy. I’m married and have the same challenges as anyone else. It’s difficult sometimes to make sure you’re as empathetic as you can be, to be as present as you can be, to be as understanding, loving, perfect, amazing, passionate and spontaneous whatever it is, everybody struggles the same in relationships.
I think there are three very powerful intentions that if you had in your relationship, no matter what that relationship is like now, it will improve it. Even if you already have an extraordinary relationship, a little more of these three things will improve and fire up that relationship.
1. People want to feel true attention from you.
This is a major challenge today. I know a lot of people and they literally can’t be in a conversation and connect anymore. They can’t even keep their eyes on each other and pay attention to each other without looking around at everything else going on and all the distractions. Or worse they pick up their phone… Are you in a relationship with someone who just can’t even have a conversation with you for 10 minutes without having to look at their phone? Doesn’t that drive you nuts? That’s the challenge today.
And if you’re the person who learns to take this mentality and have a true intention for people, you are completely enveloping them with energetic presence, being right there with them. Being present, engaged and enthusiastic for the relationship, the moment the connection and you’ll stand out from everybody else and your partner, spouse, lover, wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend, they will feel you again.
The challenge right now, the disconnects in relationships are driven mostly by distraction today. The inability for people to look eye to eye, to feel each other, to sense each other and be present in the moment. So what ends up happening? The relationship goes astray and people start trying to “show love” to another person. What do they do? They go out and buy flowers. They buy diamonds. They say ‘hey, look honey I emptied the trash.’ ‘Look honey I washed your things.’ ‘Look honey, I ran your errand for you.’ They’re trying to say look I did something for you. They’re trying to show something, a gift to that person to recreate something, to have that love.
All people want to be shown is attention and we forget that. They don’t need something from you.
Jesse Jackson said a long time ago, “People don’t want your presents they want your presence.”
He meant they don’t want your gifts, your stuff, they want you; fully engaged, fully charged, fully connected with them again. If you’re going to improve any relationship all of the improvement will come from a greater degree of attention and presence, gifted to that person to that moment. Learn to be vitally there and present with them again. Learn to have an entire dinner without looking at your phone. Can you do it? Go out for a walk without bringing your phones. Go out and do something together with no phone, no distraction, just the two of you to have a moment together.
If you don’t think you can do that then you’re addicted and you need to seek digital help. It’s like, do not tell me you can’t have a conversation…
Look, I know you think you’re important and we all think we’re really important, but there is no person in the world who cannot learn to have a few hours where they can be human again with the people that they love. That will be the best gift you can ever give. If you want your relationships to be fiery, zesty and spontaneous again, than those things can only happen in a moment where you’re free from other distractions where you can be with each other and truly experience something.
Think about it, the best memories you probably have in all of your relationships were times when the two of you were just in a moment together where you were truly fully there, vibrantly connected, in the moment and present together in one way or another. It could be chaos going all around you, but the two of you connected and there was this feeling and a sense that was like bam! You were there for each other. Attention… you have to have the intention to give extraordinary amounts of attention to the people that you love.
By the way, this is so vital because if you don’t have attention, think about it… all the ills of relationships come in when people aren’t giving themselves attention anymore. You can’t show respect to somebody unless you give them attention. You can’t pick up on their non-verbal cues, guestimate or feel or sense or mirror their emotions or energetic level. You don’t know if someone is down or up unless you’re attentive to them. So all ills in relationship begin with giving better, more present and vital attention to the person that you love.
2. The next intention to have is that you have to give more appreciation.
Did you know most people in the corporate world, in jobs to the high degree, about 70% of people that leave a job leave because they didn’t feel appreciated?
Well, a relationship is work too. And people leave relationships because they don’t feel appreciated. I don’t mean appreciated like, ‘hey honey, thanks for washing the dishes.’ (By the way, you should say that but it’s bigger than that). The appreciation of the totality of the person— that’s what’s magical in relationships. To appreciate their struggles, the small things that drive you crazy as well as, not just the things that they do for you. If the only things you appreciate in a relationship are the things that somebody is doing for you than what you’re doing is you’re appreciating the fact that you have a servant.
That is not what love is. Love is the appreciation of the totality of a person, to appreciate their challenges, struggles, their dark sides, the frustrations they have in their lives, the stupid things that they do, the things that drive you crazy.
To understand, to truly appreciate somebody is to accept them at a level that they’ve never felt accepted at before. To appreciate the totality of who they are… yes, show appreciation. You ought to be saying thank you honey in a million ways to show them that, tell them that, whisper in their ear, grab their arm, to give them a hug, to make love, all those ways you can show appreciation. Those ways are great right, but it’s much bigger than that.
You have to appreciate their soul. You have to appreciate who they are as a human being and have such extraordinary respect and appreciation for that, that they feel that from you. Because that’s a challenge today, a lot of people try to show appreciation with a gift but they never show it of that other person’s humanity and once you do that you realize it’s not just showing appreciation for what they do for you it’s showing appreciation for their reality.
I remember long ago I got to have lunch and a long conversation with John Grey who wrote, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I’m sure you’ve either read it or heard of it. He’s a great master teacher in relationships. He says, “You should know the questions you’re going to ask your partner when they come home from work or in your communications.” There are some things that men could say to women for example that will really help them and he told me these long lists of the things guy’s could say. I laughed and they were funny, but so true. So you should have a list of things you could say to appreciate somebody’s reality each day.
Here’s my list… I think this first one is John’s, just to give him credit.
When my lady is talking to me and telling me things about her day and I’m listening, to show appreciation for her reality I want to know more about it. So she’ll say something and I’m like, tell me more about that. I will tell you what; if you tell someone that then they will love you. Tell me more about that, what else happened? What else was that like? Tell me more elicits more communication from them. As they communicate more they feel more heard, more empathetic, more understanding and they feel like you are vibing with them if you’re present.
My second favorite is… if anyone is every complaining to me in a relationship.
If my wife is complaining or if she’s upset about something, I always empathize by saying that’s so lame. I’m sorry that happened. That’s so lame. Gosh that sucks. That’s so lame. Oh, I realize that’s so challenging that’s so hard, I’m sorry about that. When they’re complaining go oh yeah that sucks. That’s so lame, I’m sorry that happened. It’s so simple, but to empathize that point say yeah that does suck, that is lame, to mirror that back to them, reflect it and rephrase it, they’ll feel it and sense it and that’s important.
The third one is… I’m here for you, anything I can do.
That is so powerful in showing appreciation for where they are. Maybe they do need help. Maybe they feel left alone. A lot of people in relationship when they’re complaining they end up complaining about their spouse or their partner because as they’re complaining that partner isn’t present with them and doesn’t ask them anything, doesn’t engage with them, so they feel like they’re just reporting out but they aren’t having communication. It’s quite different.
If you are in your own relationship just complaining, but you don’t feel like there’s any back and forth in conversation than at some point you realize you could just go sit across from some stranger at Starbucks and puke all your complaints on them. Part of a magical relationship is having somebody who can pitch and catch with, who can have that conversation back with you and can really understand what you’re saying. You have to elicit that from people.Appreciate people’s reality by asking them to talk more about it.
Appreciate someone’s totality as a human being by truly feeling and sensing them, and sharing things with them, like compliments that show appreciation. Giving them gifts, things that say,
“I appreciate what you did for me, but I appreciate who you are too. You know honey, I love when you do that. I always appreciate that about you because you’re so good with people. Honey, I love that about you, I’m so thankful for you. I appreciate that because you do always notice what I feel and need. Honey, I just want to tell you I love you and I appreciate you so much, because the way you talk to the kids you’re just so amazing with them.”
You have to say things like this to have a real high level of relationship.
3. The last thing is adoration. You have to adore people.
If you don’t adore the person that you’re with right now you have to re-summon that up. You have to look for the things in them that will help you do that. The way to do that is to give them more attention and show them more appreciation. When they receive more attention and more appreciation from you, there will be an energetic change in the relationship and it will turn more vibrant and there will be more pop in it. Then suddenly, you’ll start to notice that person because they come a little more alive around you and it will be easier to adore them. You’ll be like,
Look, I never even noticed they do these things…that’s funny or I never noticed they did all these things for me, I have attention to that now and I appreciate that now.”
You’ll start to adore them more.
When you adore the person you’re with more you do things for them. You do more things for them. You want to see them light up. You start supporting their dreams more. Are you doing that, because real adoration is getting out of your own way and asking; what is it about this person’s life that I can support, that they love to do? Because showing real adoration is showing support. Real adoration isn’t just doting on somebody with flowers and gifts, though you should do that too it’s about wanting to support their bigger life goals, bigger dreams.
When you truly adore somebody you want so desperately to see them happy, passionate, engaged and living their own fully charged life. When you really adore someone you go out of your way to brag about them in front of them. When they’re with you in a social situation you’ll compliment them and brag about them. Like, if you haven’t made your partner, your spouse, your lover, your husband or wife blush for a while with a good compliment in front of others, what are you doing? I’m always trying to embarrass my lady, but in a positive way.
I’ll compliment her in front of others and she’ll be like, I really appreciate that you said that about me. I want her to feel adored. I want everybody in the community, everybody in my life to know how much I adore my lady.
Do you have that intention for yours, for the person who you’re with?
Does everyone know how much you adore them?
Are you bragging them up?
Are you adoring them personally and publicly?
When you do that you’ll notice a different level of engagement in that relationship, too, and everything will change, because they will feel adored, appreciated and feel like you’re giving them attention. Then they’ll turn it around and they’ll give you more attention, more appreciation, more adoration and there’ll be the spark that happens between the two of you that you never imagined you could have.
That is what it feels like to live… The Charged Life.
