Loving Yourself When in Conflict (By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.)

One of the questions I often receive is about how to manage conflict. If you think back to the role-modelling you received regarding how to manage conflict, you will likely remember that your parents or other caregivers fought, complied, withdrew in anger, blamed or resisted, or just shut down and ignored the conflict. Do you have any images of your role models loving themselves through conflict, and of healthy conflict resolution?

Lissel asked:

"When I'm in a conflict with someone I start to feel anxious, angry and withdrawn from the person. Then I start to think about the conflict, what I said, what the other person said, and it goes on and on. It makes me feel nervous. What to do in these situations?"

Lissel, you feel anxious and angry and you withdraw because you are abandoning yourself rather than loving yourself. There are only two ways of managing conflict that are loving to you.

If you are capable of opening to learning about how you see things and how the other person sees things, and you think that the other person will open to learning with you, then it's loving to yourself to open to learning, which can lead to win-win conflict resolution.

If you can't open or you know the other person won't open, then loving yourself means lovingly disengaging, which is very different from withdrawal. When you withdraw, you are angry and punishing the other person by withdrawing your love, but when you lovingly disengage, you are loving yourself by getting yourself out of range of the conflict. Then, do your Inner Bonding work and come back in 30 minutes to see if resolution is possible. If not, you need to decide for yourself what is loving to you in the face of the other person being closed to resolution.

We all need to accept that we can't hear each other when we are angry, so there is no point in saying anything when one or both are angry.

Lissel, if you were loving yourself through the conflict, you wouldn't ruminate. You ruminate when you abandon yourself.

Maureen asked:

"How do I talk reasonably with my husband when he gets so fired up over any question that challenges his way of thinking?"

Maureen, it's not possible to talk reasonably with your husband when he's fired up. When we are angry, we are operating from the lower part of our brain. The reasonable part of us isn't even online. This is the time to lovingly disengage, and perhaps try to talk about it later, when he is calm.

Shelly asked:

"My boyfriend can get mad and scold me like a child and uses an angry and intense tone. I ask him to please not talk to me that way and he often continues. I bring it up later and he does not seem to understand how hurtful this is and he does not apologize. I feel so disrespected and abused. It is damaging our relationship. I know that I should just leave when he behaves that way and if I do he will then ignore me for several days then he calls me. We are caught in this terrible cycle. I feel like we are at the end of our relationship. Any advice?"

Shelly, there is no point in continuing to ask him not to talk to you that way because you have no control over how he talks you, or whether he will talk about it later or apologize. The only thing you have control over is you. By trying to control him rather than lovingly disengaging, you are allowing yourself to be disrespected and abused, and are disrespecting yourself. You are staying and being abused to try to control him into not ignoring you for days, but you need to accept that this is what he sometimes does. When you show up for yourself and choose to love yourself rather than continue to try to control him, things might improve between you.

Loving yourself, including in the face of conflict, can have a major impact on all your relationships!

Download 25 Most Powerful Motivational Quotes

http://ezinearticles.com/?Loving-Yourself-When-in-Conflict&id=9569494

Hate Office Drama? Stop Reacting to It

5 strategies managers and employees can use to defuse conflict and strengthen work relationships

 Office conflict causes stress, cuts productivity and sabotages the teamwork companies need to succeed. In fact, American workers spend more than two and a half hours each week resolving it—or at least trying to. That’s costing U.S. companies $359 billion every year, according to AtTask, a task management software firm.

But before you chalk up workplace conflict to the overdramatic one, the gossipy one, or the one who never pulls his weight, consider someone else first—you. You can help conquer office drama by becoming acutely aware of your own reactions in potentially stressful situations.

As a corporate leadership consultant, I lead workshops on professional development, covering topics like communication, conflict resolution and team building. One of my recent participants complained to me that every time she had a one-on-one with her supervisor, it was only a matter of time before emotions ran high and the conversation went downhill. She felt it was his responsibility to keep the conversation productive and resented having to walk on eggshells.

I suggested she step back and think about her own triggers, reactions and emotions. Just as she felt her boss could turn their conversation sour with one wayward comment, she could keep interactions with her boss positive and professional. But she had to be willing to own the communication and be deliberate about the way she approached her boss.

The truth is we’re emotional human beings who react to certain triggers. It’s in our human nature, but there are ways to get out of that reaction mode. Here’s how:

1. Stop reacting.

Realize that when we react, we relinquish control. We let our emotions override our intentions, and we become emotionally hijacked. You know your cranky boss is a source of drama, so don’t let him or her have that control over your actions and your emotions. Learn to stop yourself from reacting.

2. Identify your triggers.

Triggers are those things that provoke you to have knee-jerk reactions. If you know you are going into a meeting with a difficult co-worker, take time beforehand to think about your likely triggers. If you expect them, you can plan the best way to approach the situation. Once you know what tends to set you off—certain people, topics—you can figure out how to best manage your emotions.

3. Understand your EQ.

Your emotional intelligence quotient determines the way you manage conflict, build relationships and how you are perceived. Here’s the good news. While your IQ, or intelligent quotient is more static, EQ may be developed and strengthened over time as a powerful source to draw from. Carve out some time to assess your EQ; it’s as easy as searching the term “emotional intelligence test” to find one.

4. Discover your blind spots.

Your blind spots are the areas of your personality and behavior that you’re unaware of. For example, you might think you are perceived as professional, but your co-workers might perceive you as standoffish. Ask for feedback from trusted friends, family and colleagues about your strengths and areas in which you can improve.

5. Pay attention to your emotions.

Think about emotions that detract from your effectiveness (annoyed, angry, gloomy, anxious, fearful, nervous) versus ones that enhance it (joyful, playful, inspired, adventurous, grateful, amazed, imaginative, cheerful). What percentage of the day are you in a “good mood” versus a “bad mood”? What percentage of your day are you happy or down? Make conscious decisions about how you’re going to show up—because it matters. You get to decide the kind of mood you are in, and that will translate to the people you work with.

As you become more self-aware and learn to master your emotions in the moment, your professional relationships will flourish and you’ll become more effective and productive at your job.

http://www.success.com/article/hate-office-drama-stop-reacting-to-it