Feeling Lonely? 4 Steps to Leave Loneliness For Good

Today I felt compelled to pour my heart out to you and talk about a subject that I care so deeply about and that's loneliness. You don't need to be single to be lonely. In fact, there are literally thousands of husbands and wives who feel lonely in their marriage. As I reflect back on some of the loneliest times I have had in my life, I was surrounded by people. So if loneliness is not caused by a lack of people around you, what does cause it? My research has shown that it is either a feeling that you do not belong, being misunderstood or not feeling valued for who you are.

Loneliness often begins when there has been a breakdown in connection with your significant other or others in general. People I support after a breakup or break down in their marriage share that they don't feel seen, heard, or appreciated. It's a horrible feeling for sure. So I'm going to share the 4 steps I use to help individuals and couples leave loneliness for good...

If you have bouts of feeling lonely, these steps will help you. They work whether you are married, going through or coming out of a breakup or divorce or a "serial single" who hasn't yet met the "right" person or been able to commit.

4 Steps to Leave Loneliness

1. Stop The Negative Self-Talk.

If you ask "what's wrong with me?" "I don't belong?" "why is this happening to me?" it will bring you down. Our unconscious mind will always answer questions, so all you will get back is negative self-attacking reasons as to why. If you find it hard to stop them - read below for my free leave loneliness offer.

2. Break Emotional Habits That Keep You Isolated.

Stop the rituals that keep you even more lonely. Having worked with countless individuals to break the cycle of loneliness I discovered that like me, many people adopt practices, habits and rituals that keep them isolated. For example, I used to have an evening food ritual, where I'd stay in and comfort eat almost every night, at other times I would turn down social gatherings to watch my comfort TV shows again and again. I also must confess that during the economic crisis, feeling totally alone and in fear of losing my job - I used alcohol to feel the lonely void. Night after night, I would sit and drink on my own.

During my loneliest times, I used food, TV or alcohol to fill the emptiness I felt inside. What have you used?

The most damaging thing about emotional habits is that they keep you isolated, so the void grows bigger and you can become even more attached to your distraction vices. Creating a loneliness trap.

Others I have worked with, have fallen into patterns of oversleeping, eating, spending, working, exercising, watching porn, or using some other substance. This false replacement for connection can be lethal, so I first support individuals to free themselves from their habits, so they can work out, how they truly feel about their life, relationships and future.

Only by feeling your true emotions can you work out what you need to do to make yourself happy and only by noticing what is missing will you be motivated to change. Breaking free can be a liberating experience. At the same time, it takes courage to feel our true feelings, to actually experience any hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment that is present. That is often why we end up in the loneliness trap in the first place because painful past events have led us to isolate.

3. Connect and Reconnect

Focus on connecting with someone or something daily. This is crucial, it's actually one of the action steps I use to help people get out of depression. When we connect, we kick our loneliness to the kerb. The connection is about exchanging true feelings with someone, a heartfelt act of kindness or gratitude. You may be reading this thinking that's obvious or stupidly simple Nicola, yet so many people don't put any effort into connecting and get stuck in the loneliness trap. I know I've been there.

To leave loneliness permanently you need to connect with someone or something that gives you a sense of being valued or of oneness.

If you are in a relationship you can take steps to connect to your partner by showing love, appreciation, affection and attention. These are tools of romantic connection.

If you are single you can focus on connecting more deeply with friends and family, again give them your attention and appreciation.

If you don't feel like connecting with anyone you know, connect by doing some volunteer work for those in need.

You can also connect with god, the universe and nature. A walk along the beach or through a forest feeling the wind, sun or rain can be a beautiful way to escape the pain of loneliness.

4. Rebuilding Trust

Many people choose loneliness because it is easier than having to trust again. It can seem far safer to detach completely. Yet trust is essential to break free from the loneliness and live life fully. When I work with couples and individuals to rebuild trust, I do not ask them or suggest to, trust blindly. As it is most likely people we love will hurt us again. So I focus on helping people to build trust in themselves. To trust that they can and will cope if someone breaks their trust and hurts them. To boost self-trust, you need to focus on your self-confidence, esteem and create a balanced enjoyable life.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Feeling-Lonely?-4-Steps-to-Leave-Loneliness-For-Good&id=9672069

Does Your Life Feel Alive And Meaningful? (By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.)

Vera sought out counseling with me because her doctor advised her to discover the emotional causes of her chronic fatigue. Vera, a successful stockbroker, was in a loving 18-year marriage. On the surface, everything in her life was fine. She had enough money, friends and a good relationship with her husband. Yet Vera awoke each morning battling fatigue and depression. She didn't want to get out of bed because nothing felt meaningful to her.

David sought my help because of chronic feelings of inner emptiness. David is very successful in his manufacturing business, has a good marriage and two adult children. Like Vera, everything seemed fine. Yet the feelings of inner emptiness drove David to overeat, overspend and indulge in porn on the Internet. Like Vera, nothing felt meaningful to him.

While both Vera and David were successful in their careers, neither loved their work. They worked to make money, but their work held little meaning for them. Yet when they looked inside, neither could discover what was meaningful for them. Both reported that they had never experienced a sense of meaningfulness in their adult lives, and that the emptiness and depression had been with them since adolescence.

As I worked with each of them, it became evident that they had made a decision early in their lives to shut down their feelings to avoid the deep pain of unbearable loneliness and heartbreak. Vera shut down because she was unable to tolerate the loneliness of her mother's behavior toward her. Her mother would say she loved Vera, but Vera never felt her love. Instead, she felt her mother energetically pulling at her, trying to suck the life out of her. As a very sensitive child, Vera could not tolerate this confusing experience, so she put her feelings in a box and decided to live from her head instead of her heart.

David, also a very sensitive child, shut down because he was unable to tolerate the loneliness of being with two emotionally unavailable empty parents, and the heartbreak of rejection from peers.

As adults, both Vera and David were still shut down to their feelings. They were still afraid of feeling the pain of loneliness and heartbreak - feelings that are actually everyday facts of life. Loneliness is present when your heart is closed or another's heart is closed, or when there is no one with whom to share love. Loneliness is the primary feeling when we want to connect with another and the other is unavailable. Heartbreak can occur when others who are important to you are unloving to you. If you were completely open to your feelings, you would likely feel moments of loneliness and heartbreak or heartache throughout the day. However, many people shut themselves off from these feelings, completely unaware of them. Instead, the moment there is a twinge of emotional pain, they turn to various addictions and addictive behaviors, such as substances, activities, rumination, shame and blame. The problem with this is that when we shut out pain, we also shut out joy and a passionate sense of meaning and purpose.

Pain and joy are in the same place in the heart. Neither Vera nor David could discover what had meaning for them and what would bring them joy while keeping a lid on their feelings. The very act of keeping their hearts closed to their feelings was creating their depression and inner emptiness.

Imagine that your feelings are like a child within you. If you ignore this child - by ignoring your feelings - he or she feels abandoned. Our refusal to be in Step One of our inner work process - to feel and take responsibility for our own pain - is an inner abandonment and results in anxiety, depression and inner emptiness.

It is your child within - your feeling self - that has the blueprint for what has meaning for you, for your passion and purpose. Each of us comes to this life with a deep purpose to express, and when we don't express it, we end up feeling empty and depressed. Yet we cannot discover our purpose when we keep a lid on our feelings.

Learning to manage the pain of loneliness and heartbreak is essential to discovering your passion and purpose.

There is no way of managing loneliness and heartbreak without a deep and personal connection to a spiritual source of love and wisdom. We cannot manage these feelings from our mind alone.

You will find deep meaning in your life when you decide to practice our healing process - opening to and learning from your feelings of loneliness and heartbreak, rather than continuing to shut them down. And you will open to these feelings only when you do not feel alone inside - when you begin experiencing the love and wisdom of your spiritual Guidance. Opening to Divine Love and opening to your feelings will bring you the fullness, joy, passion and purpose that are the yearnings of your soul.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Does-Your-Life-Feel-Alive-And-Meaningful?&id=9448386

Is Loneliness Real? Deal With It!

The first time I faced loneliness was when I finished high school and went to college in a different country. Everything was fine while I was at the airport saying all the good byes and getting all the hugs and kisses. But once I was by my lonesome on the plane, reality hit me and I became a mouse in a room full of hungry cats. I was scared out of my mind. The human mind only needs a small shove to jump of the cliff and during flight I almost went crazy. What if I get lost, what if they do not let me out of the airport, how do I find the hotel, thousands of questions flew through my mind and nobody could help me. Somehow I managed not only to leave the airport but to get to my hotel.

I was scared of getting lost so I did not leave the hotel until the next day to catch a bus to the university. Once there I felt safe and believed I would not have any more problems. Big mistake, nobody paid any attention to me, nobody cared if I died in a middle of a hallway, and I felt terribly alone. After a couple of months of the same routine I could not take it anymore, I had not said more than fifty words a day and I spent my time waiting for my family to call so I could talk and be listened to. I decided I had to do something or commit suicide. I started going out to the school grounds sitting under a tree reading a book. After a while people noticed me and started to say hello and in no time we would have real conversation and I was invited to go places.

The point of this is that loneliness is in our minds, it is not physical, it is not real it is a figment of our imagination which makes us feel sorry for ourselves. Man has always lived in communities where they have interacted with others permanently. In fact there were communities that would punish bad actions or attitudes by banning the offender forever from their grounds condemning them to live alone for the rest of his life. It is possible that through time our brains have evolved to consider that being alone is bad and that there is some kind of problem with people who accept and appreciate the time they are alone.

Many years later I was contracted to start and build a farm in the middle of nowhere. There were no roads; no electricity not even running water was available. The first time I went to the place I walked for thirty kilometers through the bush until I found a suitable place to pitch my tent. I lived there for eight months alone most of the time working and talking with myself. This time there was no fear, no worry, no problem; I was at peace with myself and used time to read, to grow and to understand myself. The greatest lesson I learned there was that people felt alone because they wanted to and not because they really were alone.

Again, loneliness is a state of mind and it is up to you to get out or stay feeling miserable. If you want to see people, look out the window and feel envious because they are not alone. If you want to meet people, take a shower put on some nice clothes and smile. There are many people who would be honored to speak with you, to know you, to learn from. But you have to give them a chance, you have to go out and find them. If you are afraid to do it all you have to do is head for the nearest bar, order a beer and talk with the bartender. It is part of his job to listen to you. Use him to practice and regain your speaking abilities.

You feel lonely because you want to be lonely. You are a good person; a person who has a lot to give and a lot to receive too. It is your responsibility and no one else's to make you happy. Take a chance and go for it, you will be rewarded by success. The world is for the brave not the cowardly. When you were a toddler taking your first steps, you fell and got up; you fell again and again got up. There was no fear, no worries. Nothing has changed, you are the same person; take the first step and then another and another. Do not be afraid, the majority of people are good even if it does not feel or look like it. The sound of a bullet is very loud and definite, the sound of a smile and a nice word are quiet. For every bullet or harsh word that hurts someone, millions of smiles and good words make people happy and erase loneliness from their lives. Take a chance, step into the light; it is a great place to be.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-Loneliness-Real?-Deal-With-It!&id=9401081

11 Super Simple Techniques for Conquering Loneliness

Who hasn't been lonesome at one time or another? Loneliness is among the most typical emotions. No one is immune. While nobody escapes loneliness, it's possible to minimize the unfavorable sensations connected with being alone. A couple of basic strategies can make isolation simpler to bear. Try to hang out with others and keep a favorable mindset.

Try these techniques to minimize your sensations of isolation:

1. Avoid isolating yourself further. For some odd reason, when we feel lonesome, we're likely to withdraw even further. This is a big error. It's easy making yourself feel even worse. Others can supply a dosage of truth, too. While you're beating yourself up, there's nobody to challenge that truth. Spend time with others.

2. Be good to yourself. Caring for yourself can be the best cure for solitude. After all, if you find yourself alone a lot, you're most likely afraid of letting others get near you. Raising your self-image can make it simpler to connect with others.

3. Be nurturing. Looking after a kid or pet, for example, can minimize sensations of solitude. If you do not have a pet, this might be the perfect time to obtain one.

4. Get a hobby that involves others. Take an art class. Start a coed softball team. Sign up with a bowling league.

5. Volunteer. Leaving your home can be simpler if you think it's for a great reason. Offering your time and attention to a worthy charity might be all the inspiration you have to hang around with others in a positive environment.

6. Call an old buddy. Remember the past with an old buddy. In between Facebook and the internet in general, it's simple to locate anybody not in the witness protection program. An old buddy would enjoy hearing from you.

7. See something funny on TELEVISION. All negative feelings are more difficult to experience while you're chuckling. Use that Netflix account and re-watch the very first season of Seinfeld or another old favorite. Make yourself laugh and you'll feel less lonesome.

8. Go someplace brand-new. Even if you don't have the cash to acquire a ticket to Bali, you can still go on a little adventure. Identify a neighboring town you've never ever visited and take a drive or get on a local bus and see where you end up. Novelty is an efficient way to avoid sensation lonesome.

9. Clean the house. Really clean it. You'll feel more control over your life and it will keep your mind inhabited for a few hours. You'll also be gotten ready for any guests that may come by.

10. Feel appreciation. Take pen to paper and list everything in your life that makes you feel grateful. Add to the list each day and spend a little time reviewing your list.

You'll definitely feel much better and might gain some understanding into why you're lonesome. Take a look at your list whenever you're feeling down.

11. Take yourself on a date. Supper and a movie can be enjoyable, even if you're alone. You can eat precisely what and where you desire. You can even choose the movie. For once, you don't have to compromise.

Isolation is an indication that you need more human contact.

The world has plenty of humans, so there's lots of opportunity to hang out with others. Go out the front door and engage with other people. Invest your alone time doing something intriguing and you can say goodbye to those feelings of loneliness.

http://ezinearticles.com/?11-Super-Simple-Techniques-for-Conquering-Loneliness&id=9443583

Why We Can't Stop Listening to Sad Songs

Plus: A Top 5 of melancholy hits.

A few weeks ago, British pop sensation Adele debuted her new music video for her latest song, "Hello." The track is quintessentially Adele, which means it has collectively brought the Twitterverse (and even Kate Hudson) to uncontrollable tears. Her voice is simultaneously haunting and heartbreaking. If you haven't heard it yet, here it is:

Adele's musical career is built on broken-hearted ballads. But no one actually enjoys being sad and miserable. So why do we love songs about sadness and misery? Look at the musical hits of the last several decades: There's no shortage of songs about breakups, heartache, loneliness, and regret. Do melancholy melodies bring out the masochist in all of us?

Maybe there is a scientific explanation for this behavior.

In a recent study at Tokyo University of the Arts

(link is external)

, researchers asked 44 volunteers (musicians and non-musicians) to listen to both sad

(link is external)

 and happy

(link is external)

 music and then “rate their perception toward the music and their own emotional state.”

Source: Nickolai Kashirin/ Flickr Creative Coommons

The results suggested that sad music elicited “contradictory emotions” because participants found the sad music “to be more tragic, less romantic and less blithe than they felt themselves while listening to it.”

In other words, the sad music they listened to was sadder than their own lives, which in turn made participants feel not so sad about their own state.

It's not dissimilar to how we may feel pangs of guilt and gratitude when we see people less fortunate than us on TV or on the street. Inevitably, I think to myself, I have so much more than so many people; why am I complaining about runny eggs?

Moreover, even though participants found sad music to be less romantic, the researchers found:

“Music that is perceived as sad actually induces romantic emotion as well as sad emotion. And people, regardless of their musical training, experience this ambivalent emotion to listen to the sad music.”

This reasoning makes sense. After all, would we really continue to listen to sad music if it only made us feel terrible? On some level, it must make us feel good, too.

Researchers also said that sadness experienced through music or art can be pleasant, possibly because it “does not pose an actual threat to our safety”—unlike in real life, where emotions can and often do directly shake us (both physically and emotionally).

In fact, the researchers added, “If we suffer from unpleasant emotion evoked through daily life, sad music might be helpful to alleviate negative emotion.”

Want to stop being sad right now? Listen to my five favorite sad songs below:

5. Adele, "Someone Like You"

There's something about Adele's music that cuts like a blade into the heart. Could it be her weighty, mezzo soprano voice? Her painful, and often autobiographical lyrics that are just so easy to relate to? It's probably both. 

4. Sigur Rós, "Starálfur"

I find myself tearing up nearly every time I hear this song, even though I don't understand one word of the lyrics. 

3. Tobias Jesso Jr., "How Could You, Babe"

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that one of Adele's favorite new artists (and co-songwriters) is Tobias Jesso Jr. The piano-playing crooner debuted his first album,Goon, earlier this year, and "How Could You, Babe," if you can't tell by the title, is about the dissolution of a relationship. (To be honest, all of Jesso's songs could be on this list. They are all haunting, beautiful—and very, very melancholy.)

2. Travis, "Why Does it Always Rain on Me?"

As someone who has never enjoyed rainy days, this song has been my sad anthem for the better part of a decade. 

1. Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah"

"Hallelujah" is included in many "saddest song" lists

(link is external)

, including mine. This bittersweet melody is played at both weddings and funerals—an anomaly for the majority of sad songs.

Songwriter Leonard Cohen describes his masterpiece

(link is external)

:

"This world is full of conflicts and full of things that cannot be reconciled.  But there are moments when we can...reconcile and embrace the whole mess, and that's what I mean by 'Hallelujah.'"

What are your favorite sad songs?

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201510/why-we-cant-stop-listening-sad-songs

5 Phrases That Can Kill a Relationship

Any relationship can benefit from more closeness. Closeness is created between two people through knowing each other well and caring for each other openly. These are simple actions you can start doing any time, with anyone you choose. Closeness—the antidote to loneliness—is very much within your control.

One of the first things I encourage my clients to do to create more closeness in their relationships is to adjust their language in small but powerful ways.

Here are 5 phrases to avoid if you want your relationships to feel closer:

1. “Why?”

A first phrase to avoid is just one single word: “Why” isn’t the best way to pose a question to someone you want to be close to because it can unintentionally create defensiveness. “Why” is the language of accusation (“Why did you do that?”; “Why do you feel that way?”). Despite what may be innocent intentions, that single word primes another person to think of reasons to defend himself or herself.

To feel the subversive power of “why,” the next time you sit down to a nice dinner or to watch a movie, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Feel the anxiety it provokes? That’s the same anxiety most “why” questions provoke in others—and it’s an experience that will not bring you closer to someone

Alternative: Rephrase your “why” questions as “what” or “how” questions. “Why am I doing this?” becomes “What am I getting out of this?” Feel the difference? The first version accuses; the second just wants to understand.

2. “You need to…”

“You” is a tricky word in the closeness vocabulary. It can certainly bring people together (“You are so sweet”) but when it slides into telling your partner what he or she needs to be doing differently, it can definitely cause division.

The key phrases to pay attention to are the ones that begin with, “You need to…” (“You need to be more assertive"; “You need to be more organized”). These have the potential to hinder closeness because they imply that your partner should change in some specific way, based on your opinions. When creating closeness, it’s best not to present your opinions as mandates. “You need to” creates a mandate that will drive a wedge between people.

Alternative: Try focusing on your own experience of the situation. For example, “You need to be more assertive” might become, “I would like us to make more decisions together.” “You need to be more organized” might become, “I wonder if we can work on straightening out the closets.” Sharing your perspective on the situation fosters closeness and prevents gaps from forming.

3. “I’m sorry if…”

Almost everyone finds it hard to admit when they’ve done something wrong. But as we all make mistakes in our lives, apologizing is essential to maintaining closeness over a long period of time. One of the biggest mistakes people make here is starting an apology with, “I’m sorry if…” (“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings”; “I’m sorry if you felt that way”).

These are not apologies that create closeness because closeness is bolstered by taking at least some responsibility when you’ve done something wrong. Using “if” in your apology allows you to dodge responsibility by putting it back on the other person. “I’m sorry if you felt that way.” See that big “you” there?

Alternative: Apologizing well is about being committed to taking some responsibility. “I’m sorry I…” and “I’m sorry for…” work infinitely better than “I’m sorry if…” A simple “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is the type of apology that brings people closer together.

4. “Why don’t you just…”

You know this phrase is trouble because it starts with a “why”—but it gets its own spot in the Top 5 because this and its other versions (“You could just…”; “You should just…”) shut down conversation when your partner needs it most—when he or she is struggling.

Giving your partner advice or offering up solutions to problems is great—when he or she asks for it. But when he or she simply wants to tell you about one of their struggles, inserting a “why don’t you just…” implies that the struggle is not valid. From your point of view it seems that it could easily be solved if they just did x, y, or z. This creates distance because, although it may not have been your intention, you just invalidated their experience.

Alternative: When your partner is struggling with something, your main task is to be present and engaged. That stance in its very simplicity creates the most closeness. And when he or she is ready to do something differently, then offer to help brainstorm solutions. Collaboration is advice, closeness-style.

5. “Not right now.”

Most of us lead busy lives and it’s not always possible to drop what you’re doing and listen to your husband’s work story, or take your mother’s call. Nevertheless, being engaged with those you want to be close to on a consistent basis is extremely important and the phrase “not right now” without any follow-up fosters a feeling of rejection.

Alternative: If you’re engrossed in something at the moment your partner wants to engage, try replacing “not right now” with a request for a specific amount of time. “I just need 20 minutes on this and then I’d love to listen,” elicits a totally different feeling from “not right now.”

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201501/5-phrases-can-kill-relationship

HOW TO BEAT LONELINESS

We’ve all felt lonely from time to time. But sometimes, things can get out of hand. Psychologist Guy Winch lays out some straightforward tips to deal with the pain of deep loneliness.

Loneliness is a subjective feeling. You may be surrounded by other people, friends, family, workmates — yet still feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. Other people are not guaranteed to shield us against the raw emotional pain that loneliness inflicts.

But raw emotional pain is only the beginning of the damage loneliness can cause. It has a huge impact on our physical health as well. Loneliness activates our physical and psychological stress responses and suppresses the function of our immune systems. This puts us at increased risk for developing all kinds of illness and diseases, including cardiovascular disease. Shockingly, the long-term risk chronic loneliness poses to our health and longevity is so severe, it actually increases risk of an early death by 26%.

EMERGING FROM LONELINESS IS FAR MORE CHALLENGING THAN WE REALIZE.

There are many paths to loneliness. Some enter loneliness gradually. A friend moves away, another has a child, a third works a seventy-hour work week, and before we know it our social circle, the one we had relied upon for years, ceases to exist. Others enter loneliness more suddenly, when they leave for college or the military, lose a partner to death or divorce, start a new job, or move to a new town or country. And for some, chronic illness, disability or other limiting conditions have made loneliness a lifelong companion.

Unfortunately, emerging from loneliness is far more challenging than we realize, as the psychological wounds it inflicts create a trap from which it is difficult to break free. Loneliness distorts our perceptions, making us believe the people around us care much less than they actually do, and it makes us view our existing relationships more negatively, such that we see them as less meaningful and important than we would if we were not lonely.

These distorted perceptions have a huge ripple effect, creating self-fulfilling prophecies that ensnare many. Feeling emotionally raw and convinced of our own undesirability and of the diminished caring of others, we hesitate to reach out even as we are likely to respond to overtures from others with hesitance, resentment, skepticism or desperation, effectively pushing away the very people who could alleviate our condition.

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS HAVE A HUGE RIPPLE EFFECT, CREATING SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES THAT ENSNARE MANY.

As a result, many lonely people withdraw and isolate themselves to avoid risking further rejection or disappointment. And when they do venture into the world, their hesitance and doubts are likely to create the very reaction they fear. They will force themselves to attend a party but feel so convinced others won’t talk to them, they spend the entire evening parked by the hummus and vegetable dip with a scowl on their face, and indeed, no one dares approach — which for them only verifies their fundamental undesirability.

Breaking free of loneliness and healing our psychological wounds is possible, but it involves a decision — a decision to override the gut instinct telling you to stay away and to play it safe by isolating yourself. Instead, you must do three things that require both courage and a leap of faith:

Take action

Accept that loneliness is impacting your perceptions and understand that people are likely to respond more positively than you expect. If you feel socially disconnected, go through your phone and email address books, and your social media contacts, and make a list of people you haven’t seen or spoken to for a while. If you feel emotionally disconnected, make a list of five people you’ve been close to in the past. Reach out to them and suggest getting together and catching up. Yes, it will feel scary to do so, and yes, you will worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable. That is why it is also important to:

Give the benefit of the doubt

It is fair to assume that someone who enjoyed your company in the past would likely enjoy spending time with you in the present as well. Yes, maybe they’ve been out of touch, maybe they never called after promising to see you soon, but you must accept that the reason they’ve been out of touch or the reason you haven’t been close lately might have nothing to do with you. In all likelihood, it is their busy lives, their competing priorities, stresses or opportunities that led to the “disconnect” between you. In many cases, there might not even be a disconnect — in other words, the reluctance you assume on their part might not even exist. So reach out to the people on your list but remember to:

Approach with positivity

Yes, you fear rejection and yes, you’re not in the best frame of mind, but this is one situation where it might be important to fake it. When contacting the people on your list, try to put yourself into a positive mindset. One safe way to do that is by using text or email so you can use emoticons to create the smiley face you might have a hard time manufacturing on your own face. Review your messages before you send them to make sure they sound appealing. Avoid accusations (“You haven’t called me in months!”) or statements of disconnect (“I know it must be weird to hear from me…”). Express positive sentiment (“Was thinking about you!” or “Miss you!”), an invitation (“Let’s grab coffee,” or “I’d love to get dinner and a catch-up,”) and be specific in terms of time frame (“How’s next week looking?” or What’s a good day this month?”).

Loneliness is extremely painful, but once you recognize the perceptual distortions it causes and the psychological trap it creates, you will be able to marshal your courage, take that leap of faith, and plan your escape. Freedom will be sweet once you do.

http://ideas.ted.com/how-to-beat-loneliness/

5 Phrases That Can Kill a Relationship

How to avoid saying things that push your partner away.


        

Any relationship can benefit from more closeness. Closeness is created between two people through knowing each other well and caring for each other openly. These are simple actions you can start doing any time, with anyone you choose. Closeness—the antidote to loneliness—is very much within your control!

One of the first things I encourage my clients to do to create more closeness in their relationships is to adjust their language in small but very powerful ways. Here are five phrases to avoid if you want your relationships to feel closer:

1) “Why?”

A first phrase to avoid is just one single word! “Why” isn’t the best way to pose a question to someone you want to be close to because it can unintentionally create defensiveness. “Why” is the language of accusation (“Why did you do that?” “Why do you feel that way?”). Despite your innocent intentions, that single word primes another person to think of reasons to defend him/herself.

To feel the subversive power of “why,” the next time you sit down to a nice dinner or to watch a movie ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Feel the anxiety it provokes! That’s the same anxiety most “why” questions provoke in others… and it’s an experience that will not bring the two of you closer.

An alternative is to rephrase your “why” questions as “what” or “how” questions. “Why am I doing this?” becomes “What am I getting out of this?” Feel the difference? The first version accuses; the second version just wants to understand.

2) “You need to…”

“You” is a tricky word in the closeness vocabulary. It can certainly bring people together (“You are so sweet”) but when it slides into telling your partner what he or she needs to be doing differently, it can definitely cause division.

The key phrases to pay attention to are the ones that begin with, “You need to…” (“You need to be more assertive,” “You need to be more organized”). These phrases have the potential to hinder closeness because they imply that your partner should change in some specific way based on your opinions. When creating closeness, it’s best not to present your opinions as mandates. “You need to” creates a mandate that will drive a wedge between people.

Alternative: Try focusing on your own experience of the situation. For example, “You need to be more assertive” might become, “I would like us to make more decisions together.” “You need to be more organized” might become, “I wonder if we can work on straightening out the closets.” Sharing your perspective on the situation fosters closeness and prevents gaps from forming.

3) “I’m sorry if…”

Almost everyone finds it hard to admit when they’ve done something wrong. But as we all make mistakes in our lives, apologizing is essential to maintaining closeness in relationships over a long period of time. One of the biggest mistakes people make in this arena is starting an apology with, “I’m sorry if…” (“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” “I’m sorry if you felt that way”).

These are not apologies that work well in creating closeness because closeness is bolstered by taking (at least some) responsibility when you’ve done something wrong. Using “if” in your apology allows you to dodge taking responsibility by putting it back on the other person. “I’m sorry if you felt that way.” See that big glaring “you” there?

Alternative: Apologizing well is about being committed to taking some responsibility. “I’m sorry I…” and “I’m sorry for…” work infinitely better than “I’m sorry if…” A simple “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is the type of apology that brings people closer together.

4) “Why don’t you just…”

You know this phrase is trouble because it starts with a “why”! But it get its own spot in the Top 5 because this and its other versions (“You could just…” “You should just…”) shut down conversation when your partner needs it most—when he or she is struggling.

Giving your partner advice or offering up solutions to problems is great … when he or she asks for it. But when she simply wants to tell you about one of her struggles, inserting a “why don’t you just…” implies that the struggle is not valid. From your point of view it seems that it could easily be solved if she just did x, y, or z. This creates distance because, although it may well not have been your intention, you just invalidated her experience.

Alternative: When your partner is struggling with something, your main task is to be present and engaged. That stance in its very simplicity creates the most closeness. And when he or she is ready to do something differently, then offer to help brainstorm solutions. Collaboration is advice, closeness-style!

5) “Not right now.”

Most of us lead busy lives and it’s not always possible to drop what you’re doing and listen to your husband’s work story or take your mother’s call. Nevertheless, being engaged with those you want to be close to on a consistent basis is extremely important and the phrase “not right now” without any follow-up fosters a feeling of rejection.

Alternative: If you’re engrossed in something at the moment your partner wants to engage, try replacing your “not right now” with a request for a specific amount of time. “I just need 20 minutes on this and then I’d love to listen,” elicits a totally different feeling from “not right now.”

Use these simple tips to start building closeness in your relationships right away! It may take a while for your new language habits to take hold but when they do you will see remarkable improvements in all of your relationships.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201501/5-phrases-can-kill-relationship

10 Surprising Facts About Loneliness

Pangs that attack your body in ways you never expected.

Clearly, loneliness represents a hugely important psychological injury and not one we should ignore. Therefore, make sure to take steps when you are lonely, and to educate lonely people around you about the dangers of remaining lonely.
It is estimated that over 40% of us will feel the aching pangs of loneliness at some point in our lives. Yet despite how common loneliness is, few people are fully aware of the dramatic ways in which it impacts us. Here are 10 surprising facts about loneliness that will change how you view this all-too-common but devastating psychological condition:

1. Loneliness does not depend on how many friends or relationships you have. Loneliness depends entirely on the subjective quality of your relationships—on whether you feel emotionally and/or socially disconnected from those around you. That is why...
2. More than 60% of lonely people are married. When married couples no longer share their deepest feelings, thoughts, and experiences with one another it can leave them feeling disconnected and alone. People in such relationships truly believe their spouse cannot offer them the deep connection they would like. While their fears might be correct, they might also stem from the fact that...
3. Loneliness distorts our perceptions of our relationships. Studies have found that merely asking people to recall times they felt lonely was sufficient to make them devalue their relationships. These perceptual distortions often cause lonely people to withdraw even further from the very people who could alleviate their loneliness. Making matters worse, their friends might be hesitant to connect as well, because...
4. Loneliness is contagious in social networks. Loneliness has a clear stigma: We tend to be able to spot and identify the lonely people around us. One study found that over a six-month period, lonely people were pushed to the periphery of social networks and surprisingly, so were their friends. Being pushed out "into the cold" in this way has a surprising effect on our bodies...
5. Loneliness actually makes us feel colder. Studies found that recalling a time in which we felt lonely made participants estimate the room temperature as being significant colder. It even made their actual skin temperature drop. The idea of feeling ‘pushed into the cold’ resonates from our evolutionary past in which being ostracized from our tribes meant being kept away from the warmth of the hearth and the social group around it. Indeed, our bodies respond to loneliness in dramatic ways...
6. Loneliness makes our bodies feel like under attack. Loneliness causes an immediate and severe bodily reaction. It increases in blood pressure and cholesterol, and it activates our physical and psychological stress responses. Which is why...
7. Chronic loneliness significantly increases our risk of cardiovascular disease. Over time, people who are chronically lonely have a much higher incidence of cardiovascular disease because their bodies are under constant and unrelenting stress. But that is not the only impact loneliness has on our bodies...
8. Loneliness suppresses the functioning of our immune system. Loneliness causes our immune systems to function less efficiently, which over time, puts us at increased risk for developing all kinds of illnesses and diseases. Even brief bouts of loneliness impact our immune system, which is why...
9. College freshmen who felt lonely had poorer reactions to flu shot. Even a few weeks of loneliness were sufficient to impact the immune systems of incoming college freshman such that those who identified as feeling lonely had poorer reactions to seasonal flu shots that students where were not lonely. Taken together, loneliness impacts our bodies so severely...
10. Loneliness is as dangerous as cigarette smoking. Scientists have concluded that given all the drastic ways in which loneliness impacts our bodies, it represents as great a risk for our long term health and longevity as smoking cigarettes. Indeed, studies have concluded that chronic loneliness increases our risk of an early death by 14%.

Clearly, loneliness represents a hugely important psychological injury and not one we should ignore. Therefore, make sure to take steps when you are lonely, and to educate lonely people around you about the dangers of remaining lonely.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201410/10-surprising-facts-about-loneliness