The 1st Reason to Not Set Boundaries

Boundaries: Necessary And Crucial

Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships without them trespasses can abound. The boundaries in your life is built of non negotiables. Boundaries are defined as something that indicated bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line. Necessary is defined required to be done, achieved, or present; needed; essential. Crucial is defined of great importance. Boundaries are indeed limits which are essential and needed of great importance as defined. I have learned to be more discerning and manage the spaces & set reasonable boundaries in my life.

There are boundaries in all relationships whether you believe it or not. Access is a gift. Whether people understand the boundaries you set is important but the most important is that the boundary is respected whether someone understand it or not. Boundaries help you to make clear that access to you does not mean they have liberties in your life. In this age of social media people can tend to think because they are connected to you on social media that they have up close access in your life which can create deception if you don't put the boundaries in place and operate in truth. My mother always taught me familiarity can breed contempt. Which is true because in that familiarity people take liberties they don't really have. I am in the process of healing my soul and the boundaries I set work to protect my soul and dealing with my emotional triggers.

Below are steps I take to enforce and reenforce my boundaries:

1) Speak the boundaries you set

2) Do not bend or go back on your set boundaries

3) If someone does not respect your boundaries take the necessary steps to remove them from having access to you

4) Setting boundaries does not make you a mean person. It shows you are protecting your spaces and governing your relationships in a healthy manner

5) Boundaries are not walls. They keep everyone in there proper spaces

The moment I started putting boundaries in place peace accompanied my decision. Your peace is priceless and boundaries keeps drama out of your space when properly enforced. There are some people who will be upset with the boundaries you set. It's okay because it's about guarding your heart as stated in

Proverbs 4:23 New King James Version

Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.

Here are some quotes about setting proper Boundaries:

Boundaries represent awareness, knowing what the limits are and then respecting those limits ~ David W. Earle

Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary

~ Doreen Virtue

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Boundaries: Can Someone Find It Hard To Say No When They Feel Worthless?

If one doesn't want to do something, they might listen to what is taking place with them and speak up. However, there is also the chance that they will ignore what is taking place within them and simply go along with what someone else wants.

A Different Experience

When it relates to the former, one is going to have a good connection with what is taking place within them. In addition to this, they will also feel safe enough to listen to what is taking place there.

Yet, when it comes to the latter, they might not even be aware of what is taking place within them. But even if they are aware, they are not going to feel safe enough to pay attention to what is going on there.

Point of Focus

When one is in touch with themselves and they feel safe enough to listen to the information that is within them, they are not going to be completely focused on what is taking place externally. One will be able to pay attention to their inner world and their outer world.

On the other hand, when one doesn't feel safe enough to listen to the information that is within them, they can end up being completely consumed by what is taking place externally. It can then be normal for them to only pay attention to what is taking place in their outer world.

Disconnected

What is clear is that they are the only person who will know what is right for them; the people around them are not going to know. Even so, this is not to say that other people will always realise this.

There are plenty of people in the world who are only too happy to tell other people what to do. Therefore, when one goes along with what other people want, they are going to miss out on the guidance that is within them.

Enmeshed

When this happens, one will be behaving as though they are simply an extension of other people. Their actions will be the result for what other people want them to do, or what they think they want them to do.

This is likely to be what feels comfortable and so there will be no reason for them to change their behaviour. But if they were able to get in touch with how they feel, they might soon come into contact with a lot of pain.

An Act

If the people around them were to find out about how they feel, they could be in for a shock. This is because one could come across as happy and easy going, and this is going stop how they feel from coming to the surface when they are around others.

Or, if they were to get worked up and to express how they really feel, they could end up feeling bad. Through feeling this way, they will soon go back to how they were before, and it might be little while before they lose it again.

A Number of Outcomes

When one has the tendency to do what other people want, there may be moments when this doesn't cause them to be walked over. Yet, as this is likely to be something that rarely takes place, it might not matter.

The moments when they have been taken advantage of are going to be the moments that fill their mind. This may mean that there have been times when they have been physically harmed and/or they may have been verbally abused on a number of occasions.

Right Now

If one was to think about what their life is like at this point in time, they may find that they are in a relationship with someone who walks over them. Along with this, they might work with people who also behave in the same way.

It might not stop there though, as one could find that their family treat them in the same way. One is then going to be surrounded by people who don't respect their boundaries, and this is going to make it hard for them to feel good about themselves.

A Victim

One way of looking at this would be to say that one has gradually be worn down by the people in their life, and this is why they are unable to say no and to stand their ground. Based on this, the only way their life is going to change is if the people in their life start to respect their boundaries.

Another way of looking at this would be you say that they already felt worthless, and this is why they ended up coming into contact with these kinds of people. What will also support this outlook is if they are treated badly by their family.

Where it All Began

What took place when they were younger may have set them up to feel comfortable with being walked over. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected, and this would have caused them to feel worthless.

And through being treated in this way, it may have caused them to disconnect from their aggression. So not only will they feel as though they deserve to be walked over; they won't have the energy they need to do anything about it.

Awareness

In order for one to change their life, they will need to get in touch with their inherent value and to embrace their aggression. Once this has taken place, they won't feel comfortable being walked over and, if someone tries to do so, they will have the strength that they need to do something about it.

This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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How to Kick Family Bullies Out of Your Life

Here, we're going to look at setting up boundaries in a family where one or more members are bullies, including a mother, father, brother, sister, relative, etc.

If you've had enough, then it's time to write a letter where you set firm boundaries and leave. I'll get to that later.

If you choose to stay, then you must take another approach. Here's an example of what I recommend (assuming you're an adult and no longer live with the family):

No matter how difficult it might be, you must stop walking on eggshells around the bully.

You need to set some firm boundaries around behavior, where you might say something like this: "For years we have been getting together, and invariably there's a fight because X doesn't like what I say."

"I've had enough. When I come here, I expect to be treated with respect and I will not put up with any more abuse. If X stages a fight I'm going to leave, immediately.

"I'll return when X has calmed down. If X erupts again, I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back."

At that point you need to decide whether to come back in a day or two or, if the abuse is severe, to end the relationship.

It's important to know that the bully will almost certainly violate your boundaries. He/she might threaten you, use other family members as allies against you and try to force you to capitulate. Whatever you do, don't give in. If you do, the abuse will continue.

It's important to follow through with consequences (such as getting up and leaving) if the bully violates your boundaries.

Over time, the relationship might improve, or it might deteriorate further, at which point you will need to reassess the situation and decide to keep trying or to say "I've had enough," and end the relationship once and for all.

Options

One option is to create a boundary where you meet the family members you like on neutral ground, such as a coffee shop or restaurant, which is another way to solve the problem.

An alternative is meeting everyone at a restaurant. If the bully becomes abusive, you can go to management and get them to force the bully to leave.

The key to fixing this problem is firm boundaries and not allowing the bully to get away with their behavior.

Severing the Ties with Family Bullies

Here's another template script you can use.

I'm writing this letter to let you know that I've decided to leave this family.

I will no longer tolerate the way I've been treated, and I refuse to put up with any more abuse in any form.

After spending time writing about the abuse, the thought came to mind, "Why am I still talking to these people?"

The obvious answer is because you're family, but if I remove the label of "family" and just look at the behaviors alone, I would have ended the relationship decades ago. I would never have allowed any "friend" to treat me the way that you do. I've allowed the "family" label and the implications of that to blind me to the truth. Not anymore.

When I consider how much I've suffered, I know I'm long overdue to get out. Every time we connect there's always the threat of violence and, worse, ongoing manipulation.

The bottom line is simple. I never want to see any of you again, nor do I want to hear from you by mail, email, phone or otherwise.

And XX, don't try to find me. I don't wish to be found. I've changed my phone number, and I've closed my email account, as well.

The bottom line is this, if you want to recover from the trauma of bullying, you MUST get the bully out of your life. If you do not, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to recover.

When the Bully is No Longer in Your Life

For some people, getting the bully out of their lives is enough and they will begin to recover. Others have been traumatized by the ongoing harassment which has caused a psychological injury, sometimes known as PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If this has happened to you, you know you're in trouble. Fortunately, help exists. I work with Hamish Bayston, a coach who specializes in working with victims of bullying. With his coaching, you can remove the trauma of bullying from your life, change your limiting beliefs, stop the obsessive thinking and begin to live a normal life, free of the trauma of bullying.

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Boundaries: Can A Lack Of Boundaries Cause Someone To Have Anger Problems?

While there are some people who get angry from time to time; there are others who are angry almost all the time. Yet this is not to say that there are only two categories, as there are going to be others who are rarely, if ever angry.

When one experiences life in this way, they could believe that there is no reason for them to get angry, and the people around them could see them as an inspiration. But even though someone who doesn't get angry can be seen as more developed than someone is more or less always angry, it doesn't mean that this is the case.

A Reason

What this comes down to is that human beings have the ability to experience anger for a reason, and it could be said that the primary reason they can experience it is to protect themselves. So whenever one feels as though they are being taken advantage of or violated, it will be normal for them to experience anger.

Now, this is not to say that one needs to be controlled by their anger; what it means is that it is important for them to be connected to this part of themselves. Through having this connection, they will be able to pay attention to the information that is being provided.

For Example

If one is in touch with their anger and their boundaries are crossed, they would realise what has taken place. It would then be possible for them to take action, and this may mean that one has to step away and/or to speak up, for instance.

However, if one was not in touch with their anger, they might not even realise what has taken place. Thus, there would be no reason for them to do anything, and this could then mean that it will be normal for them to be walked over.

Containment

In the first example, one is not going to be controlled by their anger; they will simply pay attention to the information that is being provided. Another way of looking at this would be to say that their anger is contained.

But in the second example, there is going to be no reason for them to contain anything, and this is because they are not going to experience anger. What they could find is that they experience fear instead, and this will cause them to retract within themselves.

Sense of Self

As a result of this, one will lose themselves and they will end up being controlled by someone else. And on the other hand, if one can contain their anger they are not going to lose themselves and they are not going to feel the need to control someone else.

They will be maintaining their own boundaries and they will have no interest in trying to take advantage of anyone else. On the other hand, if one is unable to control their anger, it could be normal for them to violate other people's boundaries.

The Opposite Experience

This is not to say that they won't experience fear like the person above; what it mean is that they won't be in touch with this part of themselves. Through being overwhelmed by anger, it will cause them to feel empowered.

One can then have no idea where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. Through not being able to contain their anger, it will be a challenge for them to think clearly.

Regret

But once their anger has subsided, they may start to think about why they behaved as they did, and this could mean that they experience regret. What could make it even harder for them to handle their behaviour is if it is something that takes place on a regular basis.

Having said that, there is also the chance that they won't experienced regret, and this would show how caught up they are. One could believe that they don't have any other choice and there will then be no reason for them to feel bad about their behaviour.

One Option

However, if one was aware of how destructive their behaviour is and they wanted to do something about it, they might end up looking into how they can control their anger. And while they could read a few books, they could also have some kind of therapy or caching.

During this time, they may come to believe that the reason they get so angry is because of what is taking place in their head. Thus, in order for them to settle themselves down, it will be important for them to 'think differently'.

Exposed

After applying what they have learnt, they may find that they begin to settle down, and this will then allow them to carry on with their life. At the same time, one may find that this doesn't have much of an effect on them, and this could be a sign that they need to focus on their body as opposed to their mind.

If they were to take the time to connect with their body, they may find that they feel expose, and through experiencing anger, it stops them from feeling so vulnerable around others. If this is the case, it going to mean that they haven't developed boundaries.

Boundaries

On one level, boundaries allow one to say yes and no, as well as to know where they begin and end and where others begin and end, and on another level, they will allow them to feel safe in their body. Therefore, having boundaries allows one to feel safe at an energetic level.

So if one doesn't have boundaries, it is going to be normal for them to feel extremely vulnerable around others, and through being angry, it stops them from having to face how they feel at a deeper level. Based on this, it is not going to be enough for them to simply change their thoughts.

Early Years

When one is in a position where they haven't developed boundaries, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. During this time, they may have been abused in some way.

This is not to say that one would been physically abused, as they may have been around people who got too close to them. Either way, their boundaries wouldn't have been respected and this would have stopped them from being able to develop them.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where they will be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.

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