How to Correct Someone Without Embarrassing or Angering Them

Do you know someone who is blundering some way? Do not pinpoint his mistakes directly. Why? Because s/he may feel less than or humiliated. There is an art to rectify them. How is it possible? Read on to find out.

Here are some ways:

Do not let him understand the motive of your conversation. Start talking with him generally, about his family, what his family members are doing, how he is finding the projects at work and which ones he is finding interesting. Then casually say that there is something you would like him to improve. His get up is not appropriate for office. Ask him to look at the people around him and what they are wearing. No jeans, no sport shoes. Ask him to emulate them right away.

Then tell him everything else is okay with him. You think he is a good and efficient coworker. Buy him lunch and continue your conversation in a light tone until he is comfortable back in his skin. Your objective behind your conversation is fulfilled without embarrassing or angering him.

Another example could be that you are not satisfied with the formatting of a document done by a coworker. The best way to approach him would be to say something good about him at first. For instance, he is always punctual about submitting his work. You let him know that. Then tell him gently what it is about the document you find unsatisfactory. Given the initial praise, your coworker would take in the criticism more openly and happily.

The same applies to your family and kids. Your spouse may be erring somewhere in the household, which you may not like. Don't let her understand what your intention is behind striking a jolly conversation with her. Let her know politely what she is doing wrong with a household appliance.

Share coffee together and add other topics to your conversation. Then your spouse will be happy to take your advice with no grudges. She will hardly understand the motive behind your conversation and she will be delighted to handle the household appliance in a way you like the next time she uses it.

Teenage kids are hard to handle. Your son may be watching too many movies and cartoons on the TV more than giving time to doing homework and studying. Sit beside your son. Tell him all the good qualities about him- the way he lends a helping hand in the household activities, the way he loves both his parents and grandparents and the way he picks up his friends.

Then in a delicate tone after the good dose, let him know that you are disappointed in him that he neglects doing homework and studying which is an important part of his life. Now is the time to build his foundation in knowledge. If he doesn't pay attention to school, he will always feel inferior and less than in future. Ask your son if he got your point and whether he will promise to be more regular with school.

Summing up, the two strategies I mentioned in this article are great ways to convince people to do things in a way you like, correcting them with no hard feelings on their side.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Correct-Someone-Without-Embarrassing-or-Angering-Them&id=10236386

Is Introversion Main Stream at Last?

The topic of introversion has now entered the mainstream. How can I tell? This topic, which I have championed for so many years (full disclosure: I am an introvert), has now appeared in one of my favorite comic strips, and I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

In the Dilbert strip of July 23, an introvert appears and utters all of the stereotypes about introverts being despairing, lonely, and avoidant of conversation. Introversion has become part of the workplace diversity conversation, and that's a good thing. Picking up on that trend, Dilbert, which satirizes workplace behavior, has now made this contribution, and I know it's satire; nevertheless, I seem to have lost my sense of humor.

You see, I also know that introverts, no matter how skilled or intelligent, tend to be the last-hired. I know, from studies such as that done by Ones and Dilchert (Industrial & Organizational Psych, 2009), that introverts constitute only 12% of supervisors, and that percentage decreases as you go up the managerial levels, dwindling to a scant 2% at the very top. At the same time, the presence of extreme extroverts rises to 60% at the top.

This is only natural, right? Well, no, actually introverts can make extremely fine leaders, especially for groups of people who have good ideas. The introvert leader will allow others speaking time, listen carefully, and be willing to integrate other people's ideas into the overall scheme. How do we know this? Besides assertions by people such as Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, a study of companies and the leaders who went from being merely good to great, research studies such as the one reported by Adam Grant et al. affirms this.

The problem? Well, the title of that research article for one thing. "Leadership Tip: Hire the Quiet Neurotic, Not the Impressive Extrovert" (Forbes Magazine, 2013). Neurotic? The opposite of extrovert is neurotic?

Bendersky & Shah (Acad. Mgmt. J. 2013) reassure us that introverts not only make good team members, but that eventually their excellent contributions are recognized over the chatter of more outspoken but sometimes less thoughtful people. I'm glad to hear this; my only objection is their title: "The Downfall of Extroverts and the Rise of Neurotics."

Corporations are just now beginning to recognize introversion, which is based on a neurological difference, as being an appropriate and even necessary topic for inclusion in their diversity programs.

So I wonder if you could replace introverts in that comic strip with another group that is marginalized in our society and just on the edge of being understood and valued. Would it work and still be funny? I don't know. I would welcome your reactions.

I just wish that our group, introverts, hadn't leaped from being marginalized as "peculiar" to the mainstream with no stops in between.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Is-Introversion-Main-Stream-at-Last?&id=9493960

Four Ways to Deal With Gossip

Here's the ugly truth. Gossiping tells more about the person gossiping, than it does about the person being talked about. Not only is it extremely hurtful to the person being spoken about, but it also shows that the person who is gossiping talks badly about other people and that they can't be trusted with personal and confidential information. People who gossip to you will also gossip about you. ~ Spanish Proverb.

So why do people do it? One reason we share things about others is to hot-wire a connection with a friend. The closeness in that friendship is built on talking bad about other people. Famous vulnerability researcher, Brene Brown, spoke about this on the Oprah Winfrey Show commenting that these types of friendships aren't true friendships because the intimacy that surrounds the relationship is built on hating the same people and this is counterfeit trust, not real trust. She instead referred to this as "common enemy intimacy".

We also find it easier to highlight other's problems to distract us from facing our own. It makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own.

Four Ways to Deal With Gossip:

1. Appreciate the difference between "helpful" and "gossip." There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend's life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another's life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.

2. Stop it before it starts. If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, "I'm not sure I'm in a good position to be having this conversation," quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.

3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you. There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.

4. Stay positive with your speech. Use positive words as much as possible - even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.

Have you given up gossip? If so, what happened as a result and how has your life changed?

What is it that makes you give in to gossip?

Have you ever been the victim of gossip? How did that affect you?

http://ezinearticles.com/?Four-Ways-to-Deal-With-Gossip&id=9471193

Listen to Improve Your Performance

Think back to the last intense conversation you had with someone on a topic that ignites your passion. If you are like most people, you can clearly recall your arguments in response to what you perceived to be the positions of the other party. You are ready to deliver your arguments in quick succession to the next person who dares to challenge you point of view. The truth is you may not recall too much of what the other person actually said, or what they were trying to accomplish with the discussion.

Too often, we listen to someone else in a conversation not to what is being said, but rather to when he or she stops talking. This pause is our cue to jump in and make a point that we have been pondering while they talked. We appear to be listening, nodding our heads at the right time and even making small vocal gestures, like 'uh huh' and this keeps the other person engaged in the conversation. After all, who wants to talk with someone who is simply not listening? Meanwhile, you are going through the motions, keeping them engaged by nodding and grunting just long enough to make sure your points have been expressed. Only then are you ready for the conversation to end.

We act as if we are interested in learning something new, yet our behavior suggests the exact opposite. Ironically, if we took the time to listen, we would learn more and our views would be more valuable to the next person we meet. Perhaps we're afraid of being wrong, but that is not logical either. It would make sense to learn why you are wrong and correct your mistake and move forward without perpetuating your error. Then again, we may not be dealing with simple logic here. We may instead be dealing with avoiding the embarrassment of being proven wrong.

This is similar to your thinking about managing mistakes at work. If someone makes a mistake and you immediately attack the person, you may also be suffering from fear that comes from personal pride, not logic or reason. On the other hand, if you treat every mistake as a learning opportunity, for the individual and for the business as a whole, then you will experience real growth in your business and personally. The problem often starts with being more intent on speaking than actually listening.

Try to listen actively to the subject matter and intentions expressed in every conversation. Don't react to the emotions that may accompany the communication. Reacting with emotion only escalates the excitement and further muddies the communication. Instead, take the time to listen carefully and resist the urge to speak without first asking a series of clarifying questions. Even if you believe that you have the answer, take the time to let the other person know that you are listening and concerned about the topic. Repeat key points and rephrase them in your own words to let the speaker know that you have heard and understood what they are saying.

Pause before answering. This not only gives you time to compose a well-considered response; it also elicits any additional information from the other party. Sometimes people hold back key bits of information, but that small awkward pause prompts them to blurt out something more. Very often, you will learn that the problem that originally began the conversation is not the real problem at all and your original assumption about the solution would have similarly missed the mark. Take a little time to listen better and you will improve your knowledge and your ability to communicate and lead.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Listen-to-Improve-Your-Performance&id=9602607

Is Introversion Main Stream at Last? (By Lynette Crane)

The topic of introversion has now entered the mainstream. How can I tell? This topic, which I have championed for so many years (full disclosure: I am an introvert), has now appeared in one of my favorite comic strips, and I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

In the Dilbert strip of July 23, an introvert appears and utters all of the stereotypes about introverts being despairing, lonely, and avoidant of conversation. Introversion has become part of the workplace diversity conversation, and that's a good thing. Picking up on that trend, Dilbert, which satirizes workplace behavior, has now made this contribution, and I know it's satire; nevertheless, I seem to have lost my sense of humor.

You see, I also know that introverts, no matter how skilled or intelligent, tend to be the last-hired. I know, from studies such as that done by Ones and Dilchert (Industrial & Organizational Psych, 2009), that introverts constitute only 12% of supervisors, and that percentage decreases as you go up the managerial levels, dwindling to a scant 2% at the very top. At the same time, the presence of extreme extroverts rises to 60% at the top.

This is only natural, right? Well, no, actually introverts can make extremely fine leaders, especially for groups of people who have good ideas. The introvert leader will allow others speaking time, listen carefully, and be willing to integrate other people's ideas into the overall scheme. How do we know this? Besides assertions by people such as Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, a study of companies and the leaders who went from being merely good to great, research studies such as the one reported by Adam Grant et al. affirms this.

The problem? Well, the title of that research article for one thing. "Leadership Tip: Hire the Quiet Neurotic, Not the Impressive Extrovert" (Forbes Magazine, 2013). Neurotic? The opposite of extrovert is neurotic?

Bendersky & Shah (Acad. Mgmt. J. 2013) reassure us that introverts not only make good team members, but that eventually their excellent contributions are recognized over the chatter of more outspoken but sometimes less thoughtful people. I'm glad to hear this; my only objection is their title: "The Downfall of Extroverts and the Rise of Neurotics."

Corporations are just now beginning to recognize introversion, which is based on a neurological difference, as being an appropriate and even necessary topic for inclusion in their diversity programs.

So I wonder if you could replace introverts in that comic strip with another group that is marginalized in our society and just on the edge of being understood and valued. Would it work and still be funny? I don't know. I would welcome your reactions.

I just wish that our group, introverts, hadn't leaped from being marginalized as "peculiar" to the mainstream with no stops in between.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-Introversion-Main-Stream-at-Last?&id=9493960

No Gimmick Memory: 10 Simple Strategies for Remembering the Names of Every Single Person You Meet

You're walking down the street, and meet someone whose name you should remember. You don't. You try to get by with a warm greeting. It almost works. Then, another friend joins both of you and waits to be introduced. You're embarrassed. The other person remembers your name; you've forgotten his. You're not sure whether you've simply got a poor memory or if you're showing early signs of senility.

If you'd like to possess a memory for names, try these simple strategies - they'll make a world of difference in your ability to remember names.

LOOK AT THE PERSON WHEN YOU HEAR THE NAME

When you're meeting a person, you're often looking elsewhere. If a third person is introducing you, you're normally looking at the person who is doing the introductions or is speaking. If a customer comes up to the counter you're working at, you're generally looking at the paperwork you've just assembled. If you've just come into a room full of people at a party, and are being introduced to others, your attention is often "inside" your own head, focused on how you look.

Since memory is highly associative (one thing links with another), looking at a person when you're first meeting him or her helps you link the sound of the new name with the face. Then, when you later look at the face, you'll be more likely to remember the name.

MAKE SURE YOU HEAR THE NAME CLEARLY

Often, introductions are rushed and names are mumbled or slurred. If this happens, ask the person to repeat his or her name. If you hear only a mumble, that's what you'll remember. And, if you realize several minutes into a conversation you were too distracted to hear the name initially, ask for it again. You can't memorize what you haven't heard.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE NAME, REPEAT IT AT ONCE INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD

Your memory isn't failing you, you're failing your memory.

Repeating a name increases your chances of remembering a name by 30 percent. If you remember repeating poems in grade school until they were memorized, you realize that repetition works. While something repeated once a day for eight days is generally remembered for months, something heard only once is at least two-thirds forgotten by the end of the first day. If you want to remember a name, at least repeat the name in your head when you first hear it.

IF THE NAME IS UNUSUAL OR HARD TO REMEMBER, ASK THE PERSON TO SPELL IT OR SPELL IT SILENTLY YOURSELF

Because it is easier to remember visual than auditory information, we often take a mental snapshot of a person's name without realizing it. When you meet a person named Joe or Mary, your mind quickly "sees" "Joe" or "Mary." However, when you meet a person with an unusual name such as "Tanzeem," your mind hears that the sound is difficult and takes no snapshot. What you later remember is not the name, but instead that the name was "different."

Because you already tend to remember names visually, assist yourself by spelling difficult names either out loud or silently. Once you've seen Mr. Tanzeem or Ms. Ahnangatoguk's name in letters, it becomes easier to remember. While the sound of the name may vanish into the reaches of memory, the spelling will remain.

SAY THE PERSON'S NAME OUT LOUD EARLY IN THE CONVERSATION

When you meet someone, you probably say "hello," and then give your own name. If instead you say, "Hello, Joe Banks, I'm Lynne Curry," you'll increase your chances of remembering the person's name by 50 percent. Out loud repetition is even more effective than silent repetition because you're more actively working your memory.

USE THE NAME IN CONVERSATION

Using a person's name in the first three minutes after meeting a person increases your chance of remembering the name when you next meet him or her. The repetition reinforces the linkage between the person's face and his name.

Once you've practiced repeating new acquaintances' names, you'll notice that there are many opportunities to use anyone's name in conversation without it sounding strange. You'll also notice that most people like hearing their own name.

USE THE NAME WHEN EXITING THE CONVERSATION

If you'll use the person's name one last time as you end a conversation with them, for example, "It was good to meet you, Joe," you'll likely capture the name in memory for weeks.

TURN YOUR MEMORY ON BY MOTIVATION

If you've raised teenagers, you know many of them forget to do things you ask, but can remember the names of everyone in a music group or the batting average of every player on their favorite team. We remember what we want to.

Thus, if you want to increase your chances of remembering something, start by considering why it's important for you to remember it. The more attention you focus on what's happening around you, the more you'll notice and remember.

WRITE THE NAME

Visual memory is stronger than auditory or verbal memory. If you've ever made a list of items to buy at the store and left the list at home, you probably noticed you could recall all or most of the items on the list. Simply writing a name and looking at it will increase your chances of remembering the name.

GIVE MEMORY A CHANCE

When you meet a person weeks after the first meeting, give your memory a chance. We expect our memory to be instant. When we first see a person, we expect the name to immediately flash across our mind.

Since memory holds a huge quantity of information, it takes several seconds for our minds to process many associations and come up with the right name. If you expect an instant remembrance, your memory can appear to shut down as anxiety forms a sure-fire barrier that blocks memory. So, give your memory a chance.

Relax and think back to anything you can remember about the person. Associated events and information help your sorting process, and by remaining calm you give your mental searching process a chance to work. If you need to, you can buy yourself time by clearing your throat, adjusting your glasses or taking a deep breath.

REMEMBER

Would you like to be able to remember the names of the people you meet? If so, look at people when you first meet them so you'll be able to later link the sound of their name to their faces. Make sure you hear new names clearly - you can't memorize what you can't clearly hear. Say the name out loud in greeting and in conversation if you can. If not, mentally repeat the name to yourself. If the name is unusual, try to spell it. And finally - give your memory a chance to work and exercise it daily.

http://ezinearticles.com/?No-Gimmick-Memory:-10-Simple-Strategies-for-Remembering-the-Names-of-Every-Single-Person-You-Meet&id=9137478

Four Ways to Deal With Gossip

Here's the ugly truth. Gossiping tells more about the person gossiping, than it does about the person being talked about. Not only is it extremely hurtful to the person being spoken about, but it also shows that the person who is gossiping talks badly about other people and that they can't be trusted with personal and confidential information. People who gossip to you will also gossip about you. ~ Spanish Proverb.

So why do people do it? One reason we share things about others is to hot-wire a connection with a friend. The closeness in that friendship is built on talking bad about other people. Famous vulnerability researcher, Brene Brown, spoke about this on the Oprah Winfrey Show commenting that these types of friendships aren't true friendships because the intimacy that surrounds the relationship is built on hating the same people and this is counterfeit trust, not real trust. She instead referred to this as "common enemy intimacy".

We also find it easier to highlight other's problems to distract us from facing our own. It makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own.

Four Ways to Deal With Gossip:

1. Appreciate the difference between "helpful" and "gossip." There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend's life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another's life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.

2. Stop it before it starts. If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, "I'm not sure I'm in a good position to be having this conversation," quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.

3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you. There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.

4. Stay positive with your speech. Use positive words as much as possible - even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.

Have you given up gossip? If so, what happened as a result and how has your life changed?

What is it that makes you give in to gossip?

Have you ever been the victim of gossip? How did that affect you?

Love,

http://ezinearticles.com/?Four-Ways-to-Deal-With-Gossip&id=9471193

Is Loneliness Real? Deal With It!

The first time I faced loneliness was when I finished high school and went to college in a different country. Everything was fine while I was at the airport saying all the good byes and getting all the hugs and kisses. But once I was by my lonesome on the plane, reality hit me and I became a mouse in a room full of hungry cats. I was scared out of my mind. The human mind only needs a small shove to jump of the cliff and during flight I almost went crazy. What if I get lost, what if they do not let me out of the airport, how do I find the hotel, thousands of questions flew through my mind and nobody could help me. Somehow I managed not only to leave the airport but to get to my hotel.

I was scared of getting lost so I did not leave the hotel until the next day to catch a bus to the university. Once there I felt safe and believed I would not have any more problems. Big mistake, nobody paid any attention to me, nobody cared if I died in a middle of a hallway, and I felt terribly alone. After a couple of months of the same routine I could not take it anymore, I had not said more than fifty words a day and I spent my time waiting for my family to call so I could talk and be listened to. I decided I had to do something or commit suicide. I started going out to the school grounds sitting under a tree reading a book. After a while people noticed me and started to say hello and in no time we would have real conversation and I was invited to go places.

The point of this is that loneliness is in our minds, it is not physical, it is not real it is a figment of our imagination which makes us feel sorry for ourselves. Man has always lived in communities where they have interacted with others permanently. In fact there were communities that would punish bad actions or attitudes by banning the offender forever from their grounds condemning them to live alone for the rest of his life. It is possible that through time our brains have evolved to consider that being alone is bad and that there is some kind of problem with people who accept and appreciate the time they are alone.

Many years later I was contracted to start and build a farm in the middle of nowhere. There were no roads; no electricity not even running water was available. The first time I went to the place I walked for thirty kilometers through the bush until I found a suitable place to pitch my tent. I lived there for eight months alone most of the time working and talking with myself. This time there was no fear, no worry, no problem; I was at peace with myself and used time to read, to grow and to understand myself. The greatest lesson I learned there was that people felt alone because they wanted to and not because they really were alone.

Again, loneliness is a state of mind and it is up to you to get out or stay feeling miserable. If you want to see people, look out the window and feel envious because they are not alone. If you want to meet people, take a shower put on some nice clothes and smile. There are many people who would be honored to speak with you, to know you, to learn from. But you have to give them a chance, you have to go out and find them. If you are afraid to do it all you have to do is head for the nearest bar, order a beer and talk with the bartender. It is part of his job to listen to you. Use him to practice and regain your speaking abilities.

You feel lonely because you want to be lonely. You are a good person; a person who has a lot to give and a lot to receive too. It is your responsibility and no one else's to make you happy. Take a chance and go for it, you will be rewarded by success. The world is for the brave not the cowardly. When you were a toddler taking your first steps, you fell and got up; you fell again and again got up. There was no fear, no worries. Nothing has changed, you are the same person; take the first step and then another and another. Do not be afraid, the majority of people are good even if it does not feel or look like it. The sound of a bullet is very loud and definite, the sound of a smile and a nice word are quiet. For every bullet or harsh word that hurts someone, millions of smiles and good words make people happy and erase loneliness from their lives. Take a chance, step into the light; it is a great place to be.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-Loneliness-Real?-Deal-With-It!&id=9401081

4 Ways to Have a Meaningful Conversation

I never really thought much about if the conversations I were having everyday were meaningful or not. Not until recently did I really take a step back and focus on what I was conversing about on a daily basis. In order to grow in your relationships you have to have those meaningful conversations, get to really know the person you're talking to; their wants, needs, hopes, fears, and dreams. When I thought about all the people I care about and who I talk to on a daily basis, I'm not sure I can say that I know them on that level. Life is too short for bland and boring conversations; get to know those you admire on a deeper level.

1. Stop gossiping

The old saying goes, if you don't have anything good to say about no one do say anything at all. Sadly when I think of past conversations I've had with my girlfriends, I can think of a few that were centered on gossip. Gossip doesn't make you feel good, if anything it makes you feel worse about yourself. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Talk less about others and more about ideas, events, dreams etc. It's time to STOP talking about someone else, put the focus on each other, and THINK before you speak,

T - is it true?

H - is it helpful?

I - is it inspiring?

N - is it necessary?

K - is it kind?

"What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than Sally"

2. Put down the phone

We live in a world where our lives are centered around social media. People feel more comfortable texting their friends, loved ones than they do actually talking to them in person. This baffles me that it has come to this. How can you have a meaningful conversation with someone when you are busy checking out the Instagram pic of Lucy's selfie. For most it is a reflex to pick up the phone every few minutes or so, believe me nothing life changing has happened in the last two minutes on social media. Be present in your conversations. Put your phone in your purse or pocket and don't check it until your conversation is over. This is a challenge I know, but you will not regret it.

3. Look them in the eyes

We all have done it; passed a stranger when walking and looked down instead of at them. But we aren't just doing this to people we don't know, but to those we do. I am guilty of this and it is something I am working on to change. When I tell someone my feelings for them it's easier to look at anything else than in their eyes. But your message won't mean as much unless you are truly connected with that person. Look people in the eyes and don't be afraid or intimidated to do so. You can get to know a lot about someone just by looking at them. Research shows that people are more likely to tell you the truth if you look them in the eyes. Why? Because it makes them feel you are trustworthy. I want people to know they can trust me.

"Eye contact is more intimate than words will ever be."

4. Tell the truth

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Humans are deceptive beings. A lot of times it's much easier to lie than tell the truth. It is much easier to agree with someone than disagreeing in fear you might start an argument. Let me tell you something, having different opinions than your friends or loved ones is GOOD! This is a great base for a conversation starter. A healthy banter opens your mind to other views and helps you accept the different opinion. You have more respect for one another, information and knowledge can be shared between the two of you without any judgment being passed. It feels good to share your passion with others and to get their truthful and positive feedback. This will help you grow as a person and in your relationships as well.

http://ezinearticles.com/?4-Ways-to-Have-a-Meaningful-Conversation&id=9320150

10 Suggestions for Creating Better Conversations

What were you thinking when you first read Chapter 7 in Alice's Adventures In Wonderland? That chapter is titled "A Mad Tea Party." I remember being so disturbed. I had never heard a conversation like that before. I remember feeling like I wanted to stop reading. (Even now when I read it, I get all itchy feeling). I wanted for Alice to run away. I was worried for the Doormouse! I didn't like the Hatter and I was beginning to not like the Hare very much either. When that chapter was over, I was so relieved. This is how I feel so many conversations seem to go these days. They can be full of conflict, misperceptions, and plain old rudeness. In contrast, I was fascinated by the conversations in Jane Austen's novels. There is such a careful selection of words in order to convey the most accurate meaning. Perhaps exceedingly cautious and overstated at times, but still better exchanges than those provided by the nasty old Hatter!

If you feel the same way, here are 10 simple suggestions to help improve the quality of your conversations. So the next time you engage in the fine old art of conversation, try a few of these suggestions out and watch your experience of life improve...

1. Put away the phone

Giving someone your full attention is not only a sign of respect, but essential for having a good conversation. Presence is everything! Put away all distractions and give the moment what it needs to work.

2. Make eye contact

Keeping good eye contact reminds you that you are in the presence of another soul. If you tend to ramble on, especially when you are talking, notice if you are looking away from the person as you speak. Keeping good eye contact helps you know if you are losing your audience. Attention goes both ways, whether you are doing the talking or not. Facial cues are essential when giving and receiving information during a conversation. If you are not making sense, you'll see it in your listener's eyes!

3. Share a secret

If you are feeling vulnerable and like you are ready to explore a new level of intimacy, go for it. Share a secret. Just make sure you're not spilling someone else's secret. No betrayals. You must have exclusive rights to your secret. Sharing harmless secrets that can be kept confidential are one of the best ways to deepen your relationships by inspiring mutual trust.

4. Tell a good story

Is there a story you like to tell often? There is probably a reason why. Find the moral that lies within and you have struck gold. If you are going to tell the story, tell the whole story. Everyone loves a good story. If it is told well, it won't matter how many times you tell it.

5. Ask questions that matter

Small talk is fine, and of course you want to stay informed about current events, but don't forget that we are feeling human beings. Having better conversations means discussing your feelings with people. Your feelings may be obvious to you, but unless you express them, the person you are talking to might be unaware of how you feel. Avoid unnecessary offense or heartache by carefully laying your feelings out on the table. See how the light shines on any situation once you share your feelings.

6. Listen to the answers

The thing about a good conversation is that there is a time to speak and a time to listen. Be present during both of these activities. If you are only half listening because you are thinking about the next thing you are going to say, you are cheating yourself. Stay with the ebb and flow, and trust that all that needs revealing will be revealed.

7. Avoid problem solving

Sometimes a person just needs to vent, or be heard, and may not necessarily be soliciting advice. Unless the person directly asks for a solution to their problem, they are most likely just searching for a little empathy. It is so important to hold that safe space for someone when they are in need of a little empathy. They just need to know that they are supported.

8. Find the positive

If the conversation is turning to the dark side, be the Jedi Knight. Rescue it by looking for the positive in a situation or just steer the conversation in a different, more positive direction. Your friend may not realize it, but they need your strength and guidance because they can't get there alone. Be that life-line for them!

9. Feel better after than before

You'll know you had a good conversation when you simply feel better after it than you did before it. A good conversation is an exchange of energy. When you share equally and in ways that uplift one another, you can both feel restored from it. If you know it is going to be a heavy conversation, because your friend is suffering, then shield yourself energetically before engaging. There is nothing wrong with preparing yourself for possibilities. Keep an open mind and heart, but don't allow yourself to take on negative energies from another person. Instead think of the exercise as a transmutation of energy. Transforming negative energy into neutral or positive energy can occur with a little effort on your part. Sometimes it is useful to ask for angelic help in these situations. Angelic energy is always available to you, all you have to do is ask for it.

10. Make a date for your next conversation

Before the conversation ends, be sure to make a plan for the next one. Mutual intentions to maintain a friendship are an indication that the bond is genuine. Many people are gifted with an abundance of acquaintances, but true friendships are the soul to soul connections that make this life worth living. Cherish them, celebrate them, and never take them for granted.

http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Suggestions-for-Creating-Better-Conversations&id=9334824

Improving Marital Communication By Slowing Down

Communication is central to our ability to connect well with our spouse and to work with them in resolving presenting issues that arise in day to day life. Though there are many facets of communication, I want to focus on one specific area that I find married couples are often unaware of that can make a significant and positive difference in how they communicate with each other: slowing down.

SLOWING DOWN?

Slowing down is a broad phrase that needs to be defined. In this particular context, I'm not referring to enunciating slowly or having fewer events on our calendar. I'm referring to something more difficult, and possibly more important: controlling our emotional responses.

That's right, controlling how we respond to our spouse in spite of how we feel. This is something that is always easier said than done, especially when we're having a disagreement and can feel our emotions steadily rising. It's usually at these critical points that we say or do things that we regret, and ultimately place the emotional safety in our marriage at risk.

Maintaining that emotional safety and preventing painful breaches is fundamental to a healthy marriage. Protecting your marriage in this regard is simply too difficult when we allow our emotions to guide our responses. That's why we need to put principles like slowing down in place. Let's take a moment to examine how we can put this unique principle to work in our marriages.

TAKE TIME TO CALM DOWN

Taking time to calm down may seem entirely elementary, but I assure you it is not. It takes a mature and disciplined individual to recognize a conversation is quickly breaking down, decide to disengage for a period of time, and obtain the space needed to calm down emotionally.

I realize that many spouses would prefer to have their partner remain with them until their disagreement is resolved, however staying together and continuing to talk may only lead to further conflict or the emotional withdrawal of one or both members. The reality is there are times when slowing down and doing the following is far more constructive:

1. Identify when a conflict is developing.

2. Break from the conversation and allow each member to have adequate time to rest emotionally.

3. Continue the needed conversation later that day after each person has calmed down.

These steps allow each spouse to move out of fight or flight tendencies, to reflect upon why they are experiencing a sense of heightened emotion, and to prepare to calmly disclose the basis of their frustration, anger, hurt, or sadness when their conversation resumes.

It also helps to do something which helps you calm down and relax. Take a walk, work out, pray, listen to music you enjoy, read, or apply a different strategy. Either way, do something that you enjoy to help your body and mind to rest before returning to the conversation with your partner.

I write this knowing that couples who obtain this type of rest are better positioned to calmly express their thoughts and emotions to each other, and to work through important issues in a fashion that helps build the emotional connection between them.

PRACTICE EMPATHY

Empathy is a truly unique and powerful human capacity that goes a long way in marital communication when it's applied. For some people, empathy is more of a natural response. For others, it is something they have to work to develop.

In either case, empathy is a resource we need to become proficient in using if we desire to see our communication with our spouse reach new levels.

I've frequently seen couples come into marriage counseling sessions angry, defensive and in conflict with each other. They seemed to be getting nowhere in their conflict, aside from only escalating the situation at hand. After helping them slow down and apply use of empathy, they begin to engage very differently.

Not only are they able to calm down, they are better able to understand the perspective of their spouse and validate what they had been going through emotionally. Watching this transformation occur is nothing short of incredible. Furthermore, these experiences speak to our ability to literally improve and change the nature of our conversations, while increasing our understanding of our spouse.

The following is a brief exercise that you can follow to practice using empathy:

• Take 60 seconds to mentally put yourself in your spouse's position.
• Ask yourself, "If I was them, What would I be feeling? or What would I be thinking?"
• Take additional time to reflect upon the thoughts and feelings generated by this exercise, and allow yourself to consider them in light of how your spouse is responding.
• Like most couples, you'll probably find that putting yourself in your spouse's position enables you to be more sensitive to their stated needs, concerns, desires and emotional responses.

I would encourage you to practice this exercise multiple times a day, whether you and your spouse are together or apart. If you happen to be apart, know that you can later engage them by saying something to the effect of: "I was thinking about you earlier, and am wondering if you might be feeling (e.g., anxious, hurt, etc.) or be thinking about (e.g., our disagreement earlier this week, etc.)."

This type of engagement is important because it immediately lets your spouse know you were thinking about them (which is always a great sentiment to express) and conveys that you are genuinely sensitive to their emotional and marital needs.

SETTING BOUNDARIES EARLY

Last but not least, set boundaries in your conversations as a means of slowing down and preventing conflict from developing. This is a truly important step in healthy communication. I've often seen spouses neglect setting boundaries and end up in a painful negative communication cycle (e.g., one member harshly pursues / the other member emotionally withdraws) in which both members feel hurt and misunderstood.

It's far better to know your emotional limits in a conversation and to make them known early, in order to protect yourself and to help your spouse better understand how to redirect their approach to you.

For example:

"I care about you and would be glad to listen to you, however please stop attacking me with your words."

"I know you would like to keep talking about this, but I feel myself shutting down. Let's break for a few minutes, rest, and continue afterwards."

The objective is to be aware of your own emotional process, to use an I feel statement reflecting those emotions, and to make your communication needs known to your spouse as soon as a possible. Setting a boundary in this way will help you slow down the emotional process between you, as opposed to seeing it quickly escalate into something destructive.

BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER IN PRAYER

All of these strategies are helpful. And yet, implementing any of them well requires that our hearts are in the right place.

Prayer is central in this regard, as it reminds us of our larger calling to live out our desire to honor the Lord each day, especially by loving and caring for our spouse.

It also helps us gauge whether we are allowing The Fruit of the Spirit to be evident in our day to day lives:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law (Galatians 5:22)."

Couples who infuse their relationship with these fruit will greatly benefit from peace and connection that follow in their relationship.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Improving-Marital-Communication-By-Slowing-Down&id=9392417

How Curiosity in Communication Builds a Fulfilled Marriage

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have seen countless married couples make enormous strides in how they communicate with one another. For the majority of these couples, the amount of content shared between them was not the issue. The actual problem was centered in their process of communication. They simply needed help learning how to share what they were needing or feeling from their spouse in such a way that it brought them closer together, instead of pushing them further apart.

CURIOSITY IN COMMUNICATION

One of the first things I address with married couples struggling with the process of their communication is the application of curiosity:

"Curiosity is genuinely inquiring for more information about what your husband or wife is expressing to you in conversation."

One of the primary benefits of curiosity is that it is a powerful mechanism for helping your husband or wife feel important when they are sharing their heart with you. When you make a focused and caring inquiry into the central thoughts and emotions being expressed by your spouse, you offer them the gift of feeling heard, understood and valued. Doing so also helps to instill a heightened degree of trust into your interactions, which is an essential part of building intimacy into your relationship.

These factors help us see that curiosity is far more than simply asking random questions about what your spouse is saying. It's more about how you explore what they are saying that helps them sense your desire to know them better and ultimately trust you with the information they need to share.

ESTABLISHING A GREATER MARITAL CONNECTION

It is always an exciting experience watching married couples put curiosity into practice. Although it may take some time for them to get used to truly focusing on what their partner is saying, it's not long before both members begin to report feeling more heard, understood and like a priority in their conversations. However, this shouldn't be surprising.

The reality is that it feels good to know that our partner cares deeply about what we have to say and that they are willing to seek more information about what has been on our hearts. This is a central reason why married couples who mutually offer this type of engagement to each other help establish a unique intimacy, safety, and connection in their relationship that ultimately contributes to them developing a more fulfilled marriage.

CURIOSITY IN ACTION

You can begin to put curiosity into action at any time. Whether you and your significant other are having a general conversation or are discussing important marital issues, curiosity will help you both achieve a greater level of connection and understanding when consistently applied.

To apply curiosity effectively, you will want to pay attention to these specific areas being expressed by your spouse:

What they are thinking.

What they are feeling.

What they are needing.

These three areas are windows in the heart of your spouse, and you don't want to miss them because you are focused on what you are thinking, feeling or needing to say. In order to be successful at using curiosity, you'll have to learn to keep the focus on them.

To make things easier for you, let go of the pressure of needing to remember everything your spouse is saying so you can be curious about it. Instead, focus on specific key words or brief phrases related to what they are thinking, feeling, or are needing. Once you have those key words in mind, apply curiosity by asking them to share more about those key words or statements.

Some couples get stuck when they feel like there is a right or wrong way to ask their spouse to share more about something they've said. Once more, make your job easier by focusing on simply helping them see that you are interested in learning more about them, regardless of whether you say "Tell me more about that (emotion, experience, etc.)," or "What did you mean by that (statement, word, emotion, etc.)," or some other phrase.

When all is said and done, remember that the primary focus in practicing curiosity is to keep your focus on learning more about your partner.

BEING OTHER-FOCUSED

Applying curiosity effectively requires that we learn to be other-focused:

"Being other-focused is a marital attitude in which spouses mutually place a greater focus on the expressed needs of their partner instead of their own."

Being other-focused is a challenge because it forces us to move away from our innate, and often powerful, tendency to be focused on ourselves. Yet, when it is lived out in your day to day marital interactions, it is largely transformative and will contribute to you and your spouse developing a greater emotional connection.

CHRISTIANITY IN MOTION

My encouragement to every couple reading this post, Christian or not, is to allow your love for your husband or wife to be something consistently evident in all your actions toward them. Let it also be driven by your faith in what your marriage can be and trust in the Lord to give you the daily strength needed to help you and your spouse establish a truly fulfilled marriage.

I'll leave you with a verse from James 2:26:

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead."

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Curiosity-in-Communication-Builds-a-Fulfilled-Marriage&id=9402851

The "Big Four" in Reading Body Language

In learning to read body language, it helps to know the Big Four, that is, four major categories of movements. Each one gives you some information about a person's emotion and intent.

The Big Four in body language are:

1. Illustrators

2. Regulators

3. Barriers

4. Adaptors

Illustrators punctuate what you're saying so they could be intentional or unintentional. You may automatically use your arms, torso, head, legs, and everything else to accent what you're saying. Sure, sometimes you might rehearse your movements if you're giving a presentation at a meeting, but in normal conversation, you don't deliberately choose every move you make. Everyone has a baseline style of using illustrators. When you deviate from that, it's a signal that there's a shift in the intensity of your emotions.

Regulators are movements and sounds to control another person's speech. Again, they could be intentional or unintentional. The postures and movements associated with active listening encourage the other person to keep talking. In contrast, when you clamp your lips while someone is talking, you are sending the signal that you don't want to hear any more or you don't want to hear more of the same. When you turn away slightly, it's the same kind of signal.

Barriers can help you establish personal space. They can be a body part, like an arm or a shoulder-the proverbial "cold shoulder"-or an object like a cell phone or table. They can make you look weak and afraid-like you have to hide behind something in order to have a conversation. On the flip side, when you sit behind your big desk and the person you're talking with is sitting on the other side of it, that barrier conveys the sense that you have a lot of personal real estate.

Adaptors are nervous movements that are self-soothing in nature. They might be grooming gestures, like brushing a piece of lint off your jacket even though there may be no lint there, or straightening a tie, or playing with your earrings or hair. They could be rubbing two fingers together. The use of adaptors is one of the clues of possible deception. Most people are not skilled at any level of deception, whether it's omitting a fact, distorting a fact, or embellishing a fact. Engaging in deception, even if it's minor, will probably cause some stress and that stress will leak out in the form of an adaptor.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Big-Four-in-Reading-Body-Language&id=9405113

The "Big Four" in Reading Body Language

In learning to read body language, it helps to know the Big Four, that is, four major categories of movements. Each one gives you some information about a person's emotion and intent.

The Big Four in body language are:

1. Illustrators 

2. Regulators 

3. Barriers 

4. Adaptors

Illustrators punctuate what you're saying so they could be intentional or unintentional. You may automatically use your arms, torso, head, legs, and everything else to accent what you're saying. Sure, sometimes you might rehearse your movements if you're giving a presentation at a meeting, but in normal conversation, you don't deliberately choose every move you make. Everyone has a baseline style of using illustrators. When you deviate from that, it's a signal that there's a shift in the intensity of your emotions.

Regulators are movements and sounds to control another person's speech. Again, they could be intentional or unintentional. The postures and movements associated with active listening encourage the other person to keep talking. In contrast, when you clamp your lips while someone is talking, you are sending the signal that you don't want to hear any more or you don't want to hear more of the same. When you turn away slightly, it's the same kind of signal.

Barriers can help you establish personal space. They can be a body part, like an arm or a shoulder-the proverbial "cold shoulder"-or an object like a cell phone or table. They can make you look weak and afraid-like you have to hide behind something in order to have a conversation. On the flip side, when you sit behind your big desk and the person you're talking with is sitting on the other side of it, that barrier conveys the sense that you have a lot of personal real estate.

Adaptors are nervous movements that are self-soothing in nature. They might be grooming gestures, like brushing a piece of lint off your jacket even though there may be no lint there, or straightening a tie, or playing with your earrings or hair. They could be rubbing two fingers together. The use of adaptors is one of the clues of possible deception. Most people are not skilled at any level of deception, whether it's omitting a fact, distorting a fact, or embellishing a fact. Engaging in deception, even if it's minor, will probably cause some stress and that stress will leak out in the form of an adaptor.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Big-Four-in-Reading-Body-Language&id=9405113

Do You Have a Low Tolerance for BS?

"If I'm fat just tell me I'm fat."

You tell it like it is and you expect others to do the same. Sure, you take feelings into consideration... sometimes!

You talk straight to your kids, including teenagers, you talk straight to your boss, your spouse, and your parents. You expect the same, right? You want straight talk from your mechanic, your accountant and your fitness trainer. "If I'm fat just tell me I'm fat" you tell your trainer.

If you can see yourself in any of these situations you, my friend, have a low tolerance to BS.

How to communicate BS free and without looking like a jerk?

It's easy to communicate BS free, you just have to care about the other person and what they are saying, feeling, and wanting. If you care about that employee, boss, family member and they know it, you can talk BS free and expect the same from them. If there are repercussions if they speak their mind, or you judge them for doing so, you'll get BS for the rest of the day, week, month, you know, forever. Simple as that.

Not that simple? OK, try using these strategies for better communication:

1. Pay attention

Notice I said pay attention, not just listen. I say this for a reason. You must listen intently, with your mind, your ears, your eyes and your body. Your body language will tell the other person that they are important, that you care, and that they have your full attention, all of it. Not half of your attention shared with a text or Facebook, or a call that you have to take, or the TV. I mean all of it. Put your phone to the side, or turn it off (yes I said it) and look the person in the eyes with your shoulders facing them.

2. Don't Interrupt

Next time you're part of a group conversation count how many times people jump in, add, or simply interrupt the speaker. They might do it directly to the person speaking or turn to another person and start a conversation. We all have the urge to talk, and to express ourselves, but don't do it! You can nod, say "aha", and give positive facial expressions, but don't interrupt. If the person goes off topic bring them back with "I really want to know what happened next". In extreme occasions you might say "Get to the point" or if you want to be subtle "Finish the story, I only have ten minutes".

3. Don't Judge

This is the big one. If you start judging you'll start getting BS simply because nobody will want to tell you straight up what they did, what they are thinking or what the situation is. Your employees will give you a thick story that sounds like "it wasn't my fault" all the way through. Your kids will say how it's the teachers fault they're getting the failing grade, you know the story. Unless you have a law degree and were appointed and nominated to the Supreme Court by the President, don't judge.

Remember, part of NO BS by definition is no judging. It's about getting to a goal, the goal might be to feel better, or to come up with a solution. Remember, not all problems have solutions, especially many of the emotional ones.

4. Ask Questions

Asking questions engages you in conversation. It opens up the other person to share what they really want to say. Sometimes you even have to tell them "I really want to know" but many times a "Tell me what happened" is sufficient. Practice asking questions and digging into life, business or other life issues. Yes, it takes practice. If you're a consultant or a salesperson you know what I'm talking about.

5. Now You Can Talk: Your Delivery

Now that people know you care, you listen and your intentions are good, you can be as direct as you want with no repercussions. If you're speaking with someone you don't know it will not work until they know who you are and what you're about. Practice it in your home first before taking it out in the real world. Let me know how it goes, no BS!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Have-a-Low-Tolerance-for-BS?&id=9428404