How to Change Negative Thought Patterns

Have you ever wondered why it so easy to see the negative things in our lives before we see the positive things? Even as a professor I have to stop myself from picking out the wrong things in a paper before seeing the correct things in a paper. This is something I have had to work on. A little later I will share with you how I am working on it.

Let me say, If you are not used to evaluating yourself in honesty and truth on a consistent basis, it will be hard for you to recognize even when this is happening. Even then there is always the denial phase that we go through. I know this because I went through it as well. It was a complete shock to me when I realized just how cynical I had become and how it was so very easy to see the negative before seeing the positive.

Once I accepted this was indeed the truth I began to carefully evaluate my thoughts and my behavior and one by one I began to see the pattern. It may take you a little while to realize, but you see you can then begin to do something about it.

I decided to write on this subject because just this very week I saw negativity rear its ugly head regarding a big project I am working on. Not once has this person for whom the project is being done for, stopped to say thank you or to demonstrate that he sees the effort put into the project. But, what is painfully noticed, is all of the things about the project that is not right. I've come to realize that this thought process is human nature. Our world, our environments has made us so cynical that it's hard to see the beauty when our vision is so tainted with so many other negative thoughts.

Now the real revelation came as I was sharing with a friend how sad it was that this person could not see the good things that were taking place in the project. At that very moment, the light bulb came on, and I saw that I was doing exactly what I was accusing him of doing.

Now, here's the kicker, was I telling the truth about this person's behavior? Absolutely! Were they telling the truth about some issues with the project? Absolutely! But how does any of mine or his complaints solve the problem? Well, it doesn't. Here's what's happening. Because of the negative backlash, my teammates and I are going to get tired and not do the job with the enthusiasm we started out with. Let's face it! Negativity is demotivating. Many people, particularly use it as a tool to motivate. Let me tell you. It doesn't work.

Telling your child that he or she is not good enough or that someone else is better than they could enhance their competitive nature, but ultimately, the resentments and hurt from the spoken words meant to motive can cause a wound that may not ever heal.

Their competitive nature may propel hem towards some success in some areas of life. But the wounded spirit left unmanned and can lead to further complications down the road. Often acted out in many vices that are in the world today. That is one of the reasons why so many seemingly successful people tend to be alcoholics, drug addicts, or hide in shame while attending to other vices such as overeating and cheating, etc. The other thing that can happen is that due to the lack of motivation and let's face it, heart put into the project, it will not turn out right. So the end results will be a self-fulfilling prophecy for him.

But what about my teammates and me? Should we allow his behavior to deter us from doing the job we set out to do. The obvious answer is no. But the truth is, who among us feel good about doing something for someone that is seemingly unappreciative. In all honesty, no one does.

Back to the revelation. As I was pondering this situation and my reaction I asked myself how I can change my thoughts about this situation? Now, of course, one of the first thoughts that came to me was that this person, we are working on the project for is not going to change his thoughts. Again, that's a true statement, but how does it benefit me at this time to think that truthful, but negative thought? How does it help me to persist in this thought pattern? Simply put, it doesn't.

When I am lecturing this subject sometimes, students ask, how is it negative if it's the truth. Here's the quick answer. The thought is negative if it does not propel you in a positive direction. This thought was very quickly driving me into a depression. A mindset that says stop! Let it go. Don't do it. Now mind you, what I had to come to grips with is that these were not my thoughts. At least not my initial thoughts. So which thought was real? Which thought was mine. Was it the original thought that had me excited and gung-ho about the project? Or was It, this now lackadaisical, I don't care thoughts?

The other critical question was who was I giving my power to? Was it this situation? This seeming unappreciative person? Or am I the master of my thoughts, my actions, and my behavior?

So I had to quickly make some changes. Here's the truth of the matter. He will most likely not change his behavior. This behavior is a pattern and has become ingrained. The older we get, the worse it gets. We speak, live and walk in this type of behavior every day. Indeed, it has become a pattern. A bad pattern of behavior. So how do we change it? How do I change this pattern? Here are the following steps to changing your negative thought patterns.

Recognize the truth about you

Accepting the truth is sometimes very hard to do. This too has become a pattern, a way of life. The only way to break the destructive habit is to be completely honest with you. It's so important to accept the good, bad and ugly about oneself. It is our imperfections that keep us humble, continually refining our character and striving toward the mark. Dealing with the truth that we often see the bad before the good is illuminating. Does that make you a negative person? Yes, pretty much! This is the ugly about me that I had to recognize. But the great thing about it is that I created this pattern so I can most certainly break it. I have the power, and so do you. Today, you can take back your power!

Commit to change

Recognizing the truth is good but for change to take place we must commit to making a change. Consistency is the key. We must be vigilant in discovering the truth about our behavior. We must carefully analyze ourselves at every opportunity and commit to changing the destructive behavior. Commitment equals dedication. Dedications equals demonstration.

Identify the cues

The next step is to determine the cues that cause us to persist in this pattern of negativity. How do we feel when this behavior crops up? What are you doing? What's happening around you? What's happening in your life overall? Are you at peace? Most often, we are not at peace. There is some upheaval that going on in our lives. Unfortunately, this event or circumstance happens to get the brunt of the negatively that's inside of you and truly has nothing to do with this situation.

As you analyze yourself, you will begin to catch yourself when you are looking for the negative instead of the positive. As a professor, I realized that one of my cues was frustration. I am always in awe of how 80% of my students can read, hear and see the same thing and yet 200% of them get it wrong. So, I have noticed that if student A is a good student and following directions, it shows in their papers.

After grading one or two of these papers, my body is relaxed whenever I get to student A and I am looking forward to commenting on the good things in the paper. Now, student B previous papers demonstrates that he or she does not take the time to read and follow the directions so in subsequent papers I began to look immediately for what's wrong with the paper and not what's right.

Breaking that habit was hard. But identifying the cues was enlightening. The bottom line is when I am feeling good I see nothing but the sunshine and good things. When I am not, I see the negative before the good. Now this is pretty much truth for all of us, but it is eye opening to recognize how often you are feeling good versus feeling bad.

Reframe the issue

The next step in the process is to reframe the issue. I love this word. REFRAME. What does it mean? Here is how I see it.

If we are talking about pictures. We would take the picture out of the ragged and broken frame and place it in a beautiful new picture frame. We have just reframed that picture.

It's the same thing with words, expressions, and situations. We have to look at the situation from a different angle, from a different perspective. What helped me in the case mentioned above was two reframing thoughts.

First, I looked at it from his perspective. The person whom we are working on the project. It is important to know that this is a not a paid project. It is voluntary. I make that point because of the reframing thoughts would be I am getting paid to do a good job if this was a paid project.

However, looking at it from his perspective was a great place to start reframing. There was truth in what was said, just not expressed well, but that's beside the point for my reframing. The concerns were legitimate. The way the words were spoken was not helpful. However, the message behind the words could lead to a better project.

Second, I had to look at it from my perspective of working towards refining my character. As stated earlier, I must stay true to myself. I cannot allow someone else's negative behavior take me out of my own character of giving it my best. That's my personal value. My personal credo is to do everything in excellence.

So even this, shrouded as it is in negativity, must be done in excellence. Moving forward several months in the future I will be happier with myself if I know that I gave it all I could. That I did everything within my power to make the project successful. Regardless of what is said even regardless of the outcome, I will feel good about my contribution.

And that's the essence of reframing the issue. It's turning it around to see the good and not the bad.

Now, this is not something that can't be done once. It has to become a pattern. Because I live my life this way now, some of my friends who are used to seeing the negative first looks at me a bit differently. Most people want you to agree with them when they are in their negative rants. In fact, one of my friends bought it to my attention last weekend that growing up I was always the one to say smile and don't let it get to you. She saw it in a negative light.

Funny, how that works out huh? Something good like encouragement to behave appropriately in public was seen as negative. Like I wasn't true to my feelings. But the truth is even then I was reframing the issue. I refuse to allow someone else to dictate my behavior. I can indeed accept my emotions and honor my truth. But I don't' have to let anyone control my behavior and how I respond. I choose to reframe the issue.

From reading my story about recognizing my negative patterns, can you see yours or share with us what methods or tools you use to overcome. Some of us are still overcoming, and that's okay. We would love to hear from you. What's your best overcoming negative thoughts tool?

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Change-Negative-Thought-Patterns&id=9422770

Think Your Way to a Better Life

Our thoughts are extremely powerful and either get us where we want to go or hinder us and hold us back from what we want to achieve so how do we think our way to a better life?

1. Realize the Importance of the Way you Think

I think the first step has to be realizing how influential your thoughts are in getting what you want out of life. If you realize their importance then you will make more effort in controlling your thoughts and focussing on the positive; if you don't realize their importance then you may just let your mind wander wherever is more natural for you and that may not be where you want to go. We need to take control of our thoughts before we can make them act for our good.

2. Take Note of Negative Thought Patterns and Take Steps to Overcome Them

Once you understand the importance of your thoughts it is time to start taking note of your negative thought patterns that do not help you achieve what you want in life. Are you a procrastinator? Do you think that you will put off until tomorrow what should have been done yesterday? Do you commit self-sabotage? Do you think yourself into not succeeding at anything because you don't believe you will? Does negativity drain you of any energy you could put into more positive action? All of these thought patterns can be overcome and your mind can be trained to think right.

3. The Power of Affirmations and Visualization

Not only do you need to overcome negative thought patterns but you also need to train yourself to think positively and the best tools for this are visualization and affirmation. Visualization focuses you on what you want to achieve. It is a deliberate thinking about where you want to be. Affirmations fill your mind with positive thoughts and confessions and help you think positively and go after what you want in life. Picture yourself where you want to be instead of focusing on what you don't want in your life.

Why is Positive Thinking so Important Anyway?

In the first point I said you need to realize the importance of positive thinking, but why is it important? The fact is that when we focus on the negative we are drained of all energy and will become depressed and find it difficult to achieve the things we want to achieve. When we focus on what we want to become we find ways of making it happen. We have more energy to carry out the plans we develop for achieving our goals and gradually our life becomes totally different as we take these small actions and change the way we think.

Start taking control of your thoughts today - think positively, develop plans and visualize where you want to be instead of focusing on where you are. Before anything can happen it needs to begin as a thought so think right.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Think-Your-Way-to-a-Better-Life&id=9621846

7 Keys to Increasing Your Self-Esteem Today!

         

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.”

― Jess Scott

Self-esteem can be defined as healthy respect for yourself, as well as healthy self-worth. In our competitive, material driven, image conscious, and achievement oriented society, the propensity to be affected by low self-esteem is chronic and pervasive.

The good news is that having low-self-esteem is largely a learned phenomenon. Low self-esteem issues are essentially poor habits in our attitude and our intra-personal communication (self-talk). By learning empowering perspectives and effective intra-personal communication skills, you can progressively replace poor self-esteem with healthy self-esteem. Here are seven keys to changing low self-esteem: 

1.  Avoid Generalization 

In private coaching, I often hear clients say: “I have low self-esteem.” There are several problems with this statement. First, it presumes a general, “all or none” perspective, as if either one has high self-esteem, or one has low self-esteem. If you take an honest assessment of yourself, chances are that you can come up with a list of qualities that make you feel good. For instance, if you’re reading this article, it most likely means that you possess self-awareness, the willingness to learn and grow, and a desire to realize more of your potential, all of which bode well for your future success.

Most of us are somewhere in the middle on the spectrum between high self-esteem and low self-esteem. If you ever find yourself saying or thinking: “I have low self-esteem,” please stop. It is a general, all encompassing, personalizing, and self-defeating comment that simply isn’t true. Saying you have low self-esteem can also make the problem seem so big and daunting that you may feel relatively powerless to do anything. Instead…

2.  Divide and Conquer Your Low Self-Esteem

It’s more accurate and empowering to be specific about particular aspects of your life where you lack confidence, be it your weight, your competence to speak publically, your capacity to attract the “right” romantic partner, or your ability to deal with a difficult individual. Saying “I have low self-esteem” is very different than saying “I have self-esteem issues about my weight.” The first is general and personal - it makes low self-esteem into an all-encompassing character flaw. The second is about an issue that you have. It does not invalidate other aspects of who you are as a person. As an issue, the problem can be diagnosed and solved.

“Soft on the person, firm on the issue.”

― One of the four key characteristics of effective communication, from the author’s book (cl “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People." 

 3.  Notice Your Negative Thought  Patterns – from a Distance

To change low self-esteem, it’s important to observe when we’re engaged in thought patterns that sabotage self–worth. When low self-esteem issues have been conditioned for many years, the resulting negative thought patterns are likely automatic and unconscious, until you pause them with your Observer Self.

The Observer Self is a useful psychological resource that helps increase awareness in many situations. It is the part of your consciousness that exercises mindfulness, and helps you make intelligent, thoughtful choices.

For example, if you have the tendency to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and think “I’m unattractive;” instead, simply notice and make a mental note to yourself that “I just had a negative thought.” This objective observation is your Observer Self in action. Notice your negative thoughts without judgement. Avoid beating yourself up about the low self-esteem issue(s). Simply notice, with curiosity as if you’re watching yourself in an experiment, and even with compassion and humour. Say, for example, from your Observer Self to your lower-esteem self : “There goes my lower self again. Hello! That’s alright. You can feel this way if you like. I’m here for you. I know what to do to take good care of you.” When you utilize your Observer Self in this way on a regular basis, you progressively distance yourself from the negative thoughts, psychologically and emotionally. This gives you the opening to introduce healthy self-esteem habits outlined in points #4-7 below.

4.  Talk Back to Your Negative Thoughts with Assertive Responses

Once you distance yourself from your negative thoughts, you can more easily talk back to them, and replace the negative thoughts with positive, empowering thoughts. This action is positive habit forming with repetition, persistence, and determination. Here are just two examples:

A. Reducing negative personalization. When you feel adversely about someone’s behavior, avoid jumping to a negative conclusion right away. Instead, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think my friend didn’t return my call because she’s ignoring me, or I can consider the possibility that she’s been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.  

B. Reducing the fear of rejection. 

   

One effective way to manage your fear of rejection is to provide yourself with multiple options in important situations, so that no matter what happens, you have strong alternatives going forward. Avoid putting all of your eggs in one basket (emotionally) by identifying a viable Plan B, and also a Plan C, should Plan A not work out. For example:

Increased fear of rejection: “I’m applying for my dream job. I’ll be devastated if they don’t hire me.”

Decreased fear of rejection: “I’m applying for three exciting positions. If one doesn’t pan out, there are two more I’m well qualified for.”

5.  Recognize Where You May Be Running Your Old Tape

When we contemplate where we might have picked up certain low self-esteem issues, we may recall past experiences when we internalized negative or “double-edged” influences. For example:

• Watching “beautiful,” skinny models in the media as a child may have caused insecurity about one’s own body.
• Being teased in front of class while giving a report may have induced a fear of public speaking.
• Witnessing the parents’ divorce as a young person may have affected one’s confidence in having a successful committed relationship.
• Being taught socially or culturally to respect authority may have inhibited one’s assertiveness in dealing with difficult managers.

Being aware of the possible origins of one’s low self-esteem, and recognizing that low self-esteem is largely learned is an inherently empowering exercise. As a learned anomaly, low self-esteem can also be unlearned, just like replace a poor habit with a healthy habit. In "How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions,” I present a step-by-step exercise on how to recognize and eradicate one’s negatively conditioned “old tape”.

6.  Change Negative Social Comparisons to Humanization

          

One of the easiest and most common ways to feel bad about oneself is to compare yourself unfavourably to others. We may be tempted to compare ourselves with those who have more accomplishments, seem more attractive, make more money, or boast more Facebook friends.

When you find yourself wishing to have what someone else has, and feel jealous, inferior or inadequate as the result, you’re having a negative social comparison moment.

Habitual negative social comparisons can cause a person to experience greater stress, anxiety, depression, and make self-defeating choices.  

Two interesting notes about negative social comparison:

A.  Negative social comparison has elements of narcissism.

When we wish to look, be, or have like others, we’re not really wishing for everything about that person, but only the idealized aspects of the individual. This idealized and grandiose perception of another is narcissistic in nature. Chances are, not even those whom your compare yourself with can live up to your idealized images of them. This is why so often when people spend some length of time with their “heroes,” “heroines,” “role models,” or “idols,” they discover that those whom they look up to also have weaknesses, flaws, difficulties and problems just like everyone else.

B.  It’s relatively easy to change from idealizing to humanizing.

For example, you may wish that you have the perfect career and a lot of money like your manager Joe, or the good looks of your friend Kelly, or a wonderful romantic relationship like Samantha. Comparing yourself with them might cause you to feel somehow “lesser.” But when you look at their lives more objectively, you know that Joe has health problems and family issues, Kelly is actually insecure about her looks, and it took Samantha a painful divorce and many hard lessons before she found a compatible mate. Looking at them from a more balanced perspective, you realize there’s more than meets the eye, and that they’re human beings with their own share of challenges like you.

7.  Create Positive Sanctuaries In Your Life

The final tip to change from low self-esteem to healthy self-esteem is to create positive sanctuaries in your life, where on a regular basis you can receive supportive, realistic, and affirming messages. This can occur in the company of positive family members, friends, counsellor, therapist, support groups, teachers, colleagues, or community organizations. Identify and embrace your basis of support based on acceptance of who you are as a person, empathy for your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and encouragement for you to move forward in your life in a healthy and constructive way.

“You can’t fly like an eagle if you hang out with turkeys!”

— Anonymous

“Around people who are positive…I'm happier and able to be who I am.”

― from the Internet

In addition, create a positive sanctuary in your own inner life. Each morning or evening, take a few minutes to acknowledging and affirm yourself. Validate what’s working in your life (no matter how large or small), identify purposeful goals, and count your blessings. Express gratitude for what you already have. Develop a daily ritual to resource and empower yourself.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201501/7-keys-increasing-your-self-esteem-today