14 Ways To Create The Best Relationship Of Your Life

After 30 years of working with couples and researching how people repaired their relationships, I suddenly realized that we had really reached a pivotal moment; all our studies, stories, and the science had come together, and we were in the midst of a revolution—a new way of truly understanding romantic love. Finally we can grasp the laws of love—and they make sense!

We have cracked the code of love and have found the pathway to the relationships we long for. You can create a fulfilling, safe-haven relationship, restoring the romantic love bond, beginning now:

1. Abandon the out-of-date idea that love is something that just happens to you.

All the new science tells us that romantic love is no longer a mystery. It makes perfect sense. You can learn its laws. You have more control over this riot of emotion than you think! What you understand, you can shape. The first step is to decide to learn about love and the new science of bonding.

2. Every day, try openly reaching out to someone and asking for their attention or affection.

Accept that you are a mammal and that love is an ancient, wired-in survival code. You are happier, healthier, stronger, deal with stress better, and live longer when you foster your bonds with your loved ones. It is OK to need them; they are your greatest resource. We are not designed for self-sufficiency. The strongest among us accept this need for connection and risk reaching for others.

3. The next time you feel uncertain or worried or anxious, try just mentioning this to your partner and taking their hand, or noticing their emotional signals and reaching for their hand.

The bonds of love offer us a safe haven where we can take shelter and regain our emotional balance. The latest study in our lab shows that just holding your loved one’s hand can calm your brain and shut down fear.

4. See if you can notice some times when you find openness hard, and you become defensive or distant or shut down.

We know that emotional openness and responsiveness are the ground on which solid, lasting bonds stand. See if you can take the initiative and share with your partner, helping him/her understand what makes it hard to be open at this time.

5. Reflect on how you and your partner usually interact.

Can each of you reach out for the other? What do you do when the other gets upset or does not respond to you? Do you push for contact or move away? Tell your partner one thing they could do to help you reach for them rather than moving against or away from them.

6. Try to talk with your partner about how you impact each other.

Both of you offer safety or danger cues that our brain takes as serious survival information; we are all vulnerable when alone. When do you arouse real joy or contentment for your partner? When do you spark distress—a sense of being rejected or alone? Our brains code this kind of hurt in the same place and in the same way as physical pain.

7. When you get in a fight, take a deep breath and try to see the fight as if you're a fly on the ceiling.

Often underneath the discussion of problem issues, someone is asking for more emotional connection. See if you can get curious and pinpoint the dance; maybe it’s the typical boogie where one pushes for contact, but the other hears criticism and steps back. See how it leaves you both feeling alone and a little scared. Talk about that.

8. Invite your partner into more closeness once a day by playing a simple empathy game.

Each person thinks of an event in their day. Then you take turns at reading each other’s face and trying to pinpoint whether you see one of the six basic emotions: joy, surprise, sadness, anger, shame/embarrassment or some kind of fear. See if your guess is right. Learning to tune in matters!

9. Take a quiet moment, tune into the emotional channel and see if you can each share with your partner what you need most.

Keep it simple and concrete. Do you need comfort, reassurance, support, and empathy, a clear message of how important you are to him/her? If it’s too hard to share this, share how hard it is to open up and ask.

10. Be mindful of the fact that emotional injuries derail relationships.

You can inflict great pain on your partner simply because you matter so much—you are the one he/she depends on. At a close moment, ask your lover if there are injuries that are unhealed, perhaps times when you missed their cues for support and connection. Try to help them with this hurt. (It doesn’t just fade with time.) Often just telling them that you can feel how they hurt and want to help them with it works wonders.

11. Know that the best recipe for great sex is safe emotional connection and open communication.

Write down a short description of what your ideal lover might do in bed and how he or she might invite you into erotic play. Give this to your partner and see what you discover about each other. Remember, criticism literally hurts and shuts down exploration and sexuality.

12. Talk about what you learned in your family about how to deal with emotions.

Emotions are the music of the dance lovers do; it helps if the music is clear. Then you can predict each other’s intentions and know how to move together in harmony. Talk about the things you learned that make it hard to listen to or share your feelings.

13. Tell each other your main goal for the next year and see if you can find one way to support each other to reach it.

It is clear that when we know someone has our back, we are more confidant and more adventurous. We achieve our goals more easily and are less derailed by disappointments.

14. Honor your connection. Create small rituals to recognize your bond.

Maybe it's a special kind of kiss when you leave in the morning or a special 10-minute bonding time when you first come home. This is sacred time. No business agendas, problem solving or distractions in the form of small electric screens are allowed.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12065/14-ways-to-create-the-best-relationship-of-your-life.html

Are You Single for the Right Reasons?

Do you recognize yourself or someone you know in this list?

There is nothing wrong with being single. One of the most important lessons someone can learn is to be a whole and happy person on their own. A failure to recognize this can drive people into relationships that don’t satisfy them—or that make them miserable. Moreover, when the decision to enter into a couple is based on low self-esteem or the fear of being alone, people tend to make poor choices or “settle” in their love lives. Sometimes, however, the fear of getting hurt keeps people solo. Exploring what these triggers might be can provide freedom to individuals seeking lasting love. 

I'm not advocating for couplehood at all costs. Just as I encourage people in a relationship to consider their motivations and desires, I encourage single people to do the same. If you feel averse to the idea of relationships in general, your attitudes are worthy of exploration. Something else may be going on, something deeper and less conscious. There may be a lot of good reasons why you’re not in a relationship right now, but I’ll aim to explore the not-so-good reasons people steer away from love, intimacy, and possibly even their own happiness.

Cynical attitudes about love pervade our culture. Statistics remind us how often couples split up and countless personal stories tell us how people get hurt. For many, particularly those with negative experiences, cynical or critical attitudes hardly allow them to get to know another person, much less fall in love.

It is easy to write off potential partners for a long list of reasons. Do any of these sound like something you would do? 

Question the approach:

• “He seems too eager.”
• “She’ll be uptight.”

Disapprove based on sexual stereotypes: 

• “Men only want sex.”
• “Women just want to control you.”

Attack love and relationships in general: 

• “People disappoint you.”  
• “Love never lasts.” 
• “Dating is too awkward.” 
• “Relationships tie you down.” 

While we may justify these negative perceptions using facts, figures, or our own experiences, our cynical feelings and attitudes often originate very early in our lives.

The way people related to us as children, and how our parents or early caretakers related to each other, has profound impact. We may form preconceptions or opinions about relationships based on the negative dynamics we've experienced or observed. If we had a parent who was absent, we may grow up feeling more distrusting. We may carry around the idea that “all men leave” or “all women are cold.” If we had a parent who was overbearing and intrusive, we may have thoughts about potential partners like, “They’ll want too much from me. They’re too dependent. They’ll just take over my space and try to control me.” Having a parent who went through a difficult divorce and never dated again may leave us thinking, ”Relationships are just too hard (or dangerous).”

These points of view can be reinforced by the disappointing or hurtful experiences we have as adults. Yet, these attitudes are often misplaced or misguided. They paint a caricature of the people we encounter and create a barrier between us and the world. When we grow cynical toward potential partners, relationships or love itself, we limit opportunities to really get to know and connect with another person.

If we manage to get past these early uncertainties and give someone a chance, we may find ourselves in love. For a time, our hypercritical attitudes may even quiet down a little. Ironically, though, they may creep up again when we start to feel really close with the other person, when things get “more serious,” so to speak. This is because our own fears and psychological defences against love are being challenged, which leads us to subconsciously find ways to push love away. Being critical of a partner can be a way to protect ourselves and create distance. In reality, all people are flawed. We can choose to hone in on someone’s shortcomings, or we can choose to be open, vulnerable, and compassionate in our approach to others, particularly those who mean a lot to us.

In addition to criticizing others, people also become critical of themselves in relation to finding and maintaining a loving relationship. Many single men and women feel so overwhelmed by insecurities that they find it hard to even lift their head and look at a person they find attractive. These thoughts comprise what my father, psychologist Robert Firestone, refers to as the “critical inner voice.” This voice is like a commentator in our heads judging our every action. When we look in the mirror, it may start in with, “You’re so unattractive. Look how out of shape you are. No one would be interested in you. Just stay home.” When we go on a date, it may flood our heads with thoughts like, “What are you even talking about? You’re so dull. This is a disaster. He (or she) isn’t having a good time. Just call it a night.” And finally, if we actually get involved with someone, it may really tear into us: “This will never work out. Nothing lasts. They'll find someone better and leave you. Who do you think you are?"

The inner critic, when acted on, can sabotage relationships. It creates a negative filter through which we view ourselves, our partners, and our relationships. Whether we choose to be single or not, it’s important to identify and separate from this inner critic in order to decipher our real point of view and understand what we really want to go after in life.

So what do we really want? Just as there are statistics that make us feel hopeless about relationships, there are plenty of facts and figures to support pursuing one. Studies show that love and relationships lead to faster healing, reduced pain, a sharper mind, more success (as a leader and in business), decreased stress, increased happiness, and longer lives. There are even studies in neuroscience that say romantic love can last a lifetime, with the same sparks firing decades later that ignited when two people first fell in love.

If we want a lasting, loving relationship, it isn’t outside forces that hold us back; more likely, it is the unexpected fears of intimacy that reside within us. Many of us try to protect ourselves in order not to get hurt. We do this by avoiding relationships altogether or by pulling back when things feel too close.

Most of us who have a history of strained connections are afraid to be vulnerable. The idea of getting into a relationship feels like it would threaten our very identity—like we lose a part of who they are. You may think of entering a relationship as a sacrifice, believing you'd be losing your sense of independence and freedom and could miss out on future possibilities. In a good relationship, however, just the opposite can happen: When two people get together, their worlds should grow, not shrink. We will meet new friends, explore new adventures and, most importantly, discover new parts of ourselves that we didn’t even know were there. It’s possible to find someone who supports our interests, while they introduce us to theirs.

On this adventure, we will get hurt because of the defences each of us has formed. Yet, by confronting the hurt, we create the opportunity for great joy and personal development. If we can stand up to our own defences and internal critic, we will discover that we are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us. With this foundation of personal strength, we will discover that vulnerability is actually the safest place to be to get what we want. As researcher Brené Brown points out, “Vulnerability is not about fear and grief and disappointment. It is the birthplace of everything we’re hungry for.” 

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201505/are-you-single-the-right-reasons

Is the Number One Relationship Killer Threatening You?

Studies show that it's not sex, or infidelity. It's something much more common.

     

          

Research shows that it’s mainly how couples fight, not what they fight about it, that best predicts the ultimate success or failure of the relationship or marriage.

But arguing about money appears to be the exception.

Studies consistently show that conflict about financial issues is, as Jeffrey R. Dew and Robert Stewart note, “stronger, longer lasting, and predicts divorce better than other types of marital conflict.”

As a child, I assumed that all married people—that is, parents—fought about money. Mine did, all the time, both in and out of earshot. The long and short of it was pretty simple: My mother thought my father didn’t make enough of it, and my father thought she spent too much of it.

The role money plays in a marriage is both literal—determining how well the family lives and how often or infrequently they have to worry about making ends meet or deny themselves things they deem necessary—and symbolic. On the symbolic side, there’s who makes the money or most of it, how much power that gives him or her, and whether the main wage earner uses that power. Additionally, when one person makes all the money or the lion’s share, that earner may feel resentful, put upon, or chafe at the “unfairness” of the situation.

One man, whose marriage of 20-plus years ended in divorce, and who was the sole wage earner, commented that he “felt like a workhorse for everyone else’s needs.” He noted that when it came to spending, his needs came last, after his wife’s and children’s.

Similarly, a woman who earns all the money and is in what she considers a very good marriage, allowed as how 100 percent of the couple’s fights were about money and that she felt resentful that she was the rainmaker: “It remains, even after all this time, a bone of contention."

Money is used symbolically to mollify people and to control them; it can function as a substitute for love, and spending can be a stand-in for other unfulfilled needs. There are "checkbook" husbands and fathers, wives and mothers.

Money is both public and secret at once. How much or little money we have determines where and how we live, and shapes the social circles we travel in. How we spend money and whether we care about it and value it are part of our public persona. Most of us are brought up to keep the financial details of our lives private; even those who flaunt the trappings of wealth keep the true details under wraps. From the outside, you can’t tell if that mansion is paid for or heavily mortgaged, or if that spiffy car is owned or leased.

In truth, in a culture which believes in romantic love, few couples embarking on marriage actually explore their attitudes toward money, saving, spending, debt, or investment. It appears most people feel that talking about dollars and cents seems crass or unsexy when you’re pledging your undying love, even though that omission may provide the fuel for the undoing of your connection to each other.

One thirty-something woman who just ended her marriage of three years remarked ruefully that not talking about finances beforehand was the single biggest mistake she’d made:

“In hindsight, we absolutely should have discussed our attitudes toward spending but, even more, toward paying bills and accruing debt. I know now that my ex is always in arrears, always in debt, always short of his obligation, and it made me nuts. And I didn’t want to play the taskmaster or Mommy—garnishing his paycheck and doling out an allowance but that’s the only way it would have worked.”

Another woman, now celebrating 35 years together, said:

“If we’d talked about money at the beginning, we would have saved ourselves a lot of trouble and turmoil. We bullied our way through it but our attitudes toward money couldn’t be more different. We’re the ant and the grasshopper from the fable come to life.”

Other couples cobble together solutions to keep the din down and the fighting to a minimum—separate checking and saving accounts, appointing a single bill payer, and agreeing to joint discussions of purchases over a certain dollar amount. These “solutions” sometimes work, and sometimes don’t.

The complex role finances play in marriage led researchers Jeffrey P. Dew and Robert Stewart to examine whether financial conflict was really about dollars and cents, or a relationship issue under another guise. They examined the extent to which conflicts about finances were driven by economic pressures; measures of communication, respect or fairness; or affected by commitment to the marriage and spouse. Their results amply demonstrated precisely how complicated these arguments are, and how they are not always what they seem.

Not surprisingly, economic pressure predicted conflict for both husbands and wives, but consumer debt was a lightning rod for husbands, not wives. This is interesting since, in the sample, husbands earned 76% of the income; was it the increased pressure to earn to repay debt they responded to? Or were they reacting to spouses’ over-spending? On the positive side, the more committed wives and husbands were to their spouses, the less likely they were to fight about money. That opens the door to wondering whether people fight about money as a way avoiding bigger issues like lack of commitment. Similarly, the more respected by a partner a spouse felt, the less conflict about finances. This held true as well for those who felt the dynamics of the relationship were fair.

In their conclusion, the researchers wrote:

“Thus, financial conflicts may serve as proxies for hidden relationship problems. Some couples may simply not be consciously aware of the issues that underlie their financial conflicts. Alternatively, fighting about finances may be easier, more socially acceptable, or safer for a relationship than fighting about deeply rooted relationship issues.”

The take-away? If you are fighting about money, you should ask yourself:

• Is the issue really about money—financial pressures, spending beyond your means—or something else?
• Are you reacting to the symbolic aspects of your spouse’s financial behaviors—inferring a lack of commitment or respect or fairness? If so, are you addressing those underlying concerns?
• If you are really fighting about money and spending, stay on topic and remember that communicating both your sense of commitment and willingness to resolve things cooperatively will go a long way.

Another study by Dew, Sonya Britt, and Sandra Huston yielded even more insight into the dynamic of conflicts fueled by finances. These disagreements were the only type of conflict reported to predict divorce by husbands; wives concurred, but added sex as well. Even more interesting, when the researchers controlled for economic pressures, they found that regardless of financial capabilities, this conflict remained a high predictor of divorce at all the levels of the socio-economic continuum. That’s pretty astonishing and suggests that how little or how much money the couple has may not matter nearly as much as the conflict itself. Their findings also suggest that the really destructive communicative patterns in conflicts—what John Gottman has called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—are specifically linked to financial disagreements. These patterns include criticism (attributing personal characteristics to the problem, not a person’s actions); contempt (criticizing in an insulting and abusive manner); defensiveness(denying responsibility, making excuses, hurling criticism back at the speaker); and stonewalling (demand/withdrawal pattern).

So, if you’re fighting about money, the chances are very good that the right answer isn’t“It’s only money, after all.” Recognize financial conflict as the heavy-duty symbolic dynamite it is, as well as its destructive potential. Pay attention and deal with it consciously and constructively if you want your relationship to thrive and survive. If you don’t, do nothing—this kind of fighting will do the heavy lifting for you

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201501/is-the-number-one-relationship-killer-threatening-you