Don't Shy Away From The Truth

Truth always remains the same unaltered whatever the tricks one may take to conceal. Most of the people think they are smart when they play a double game of hide and seek to serve their selfish motives. Some dress gorgeously and smile elegantly, but sporting enmity and jealousy within.

In the modern world, illusions are respected more than the reality. A priest used to wear a flawless white gown for the church service, though he didn't bathe every day. Sometimes, he would give the sermon without wearing any garments beneath the gown. To understand the truth, some of the real life situations are presented hereunder.

Many people feel shy of their white hair and resort to dyeing it for enhancing the beauty and hiding the age. The repeated use of the dyestuff spoils the hair and leads to allergies and diseases. Some people try hair transplantation to hide their baldness. Lotions and creams are meant for the people who like to conceal their natural wrinkles and age.

A patient cannot expect the right cure from a doctor unless the former expresses his feelings and displays the symptoms correctly. If a person feels shy of showing the sexual organ, he cannot expect any treatment for his sufferings. A person with a hearing defect should not hesitate to ask others for speaking louder.

Shyness prevents many from seeking aid from others. In times of financial difficulties, some people feel embarrassed to express their problems, but end up in self-denial of the solution. If a student shies away from raising doubts for the fear of teasing by the classmates, he cannot learn thoroughly.

Many office goers give the false reasons for their absence to avoid the workload or the colleagues' poking their noses into the personal matters. An officer took permission to visit his ailing relative, but he actually went to a cinema. On the way back from office, an old man told his junior friend to wait a while so that the he can buy some medicine. Actually, the senior man bought a fairness cream to improvise his look.

The virtue of truth leads to simplicity, peace, and prosperity. When our life moves away from the path of the truth, we tend to waste the energy and time, besides losing our health and harmony. Lack of self-confidence is the main reason for the timidity of a man.

To speak out one's mind and act honestly requires a great deal of courage. Beauty lies not in the appearance but shows up through the behavior. Actually, continued shyness leads to an inferiority complex.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Shy-Away-From-The-Truth&id=9441840

Don't Waste Your Pain - Use It To Grow

No one can avoid pain whether emotional or physical. Sooner or later we are all disappointed or hurt by others and experience some type of physical pain. Trust me - if you haven't yet - It's coming - you can count on it. No one is immune to life's desire and attempts to teach us, help us learn or yes, even punish us for our misdeeds, stupid decisions or dumb behaviors.

It's interesting how sometimes emotional pain can be worse than physical pain - I guess it just depends on the cause or source. So, let me just focus on some of the common issues, consequences, and actions we can take when it comes to the emotional stuff. As far as the physical stuff, make an appointment with your Doctor,

I'm not in that business however, it's been proven that a great deal of physical pain can be directly attributed to emotional issues - but that's for another time.

There are only two basic emotions - love and fear and all emotional pain comes from or is driven by the fear side, things like; anger, blame, regret, disappointment, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, hatred, suspicion, etc. So, the first question is - could there be or is there a common denominator in emotional pain regardless of the cause or source? Interesting question, let's take a brief look at this before we move on.

First, what is emotional pain?

"Some psychology researchers have described two types of pain. The first type is considered existential pain, or what one researcher calls "clean pain," which is the normal pain that comes with living an ordinary life. This pain comes from such common, but nevertheless painful, human experiences as losing a loved one; being diagnosed with a serious illness; experiencing abuse, humiliation, or degradation; or perceiving that we have failed at something we hoped would succeed. All humans experience this type of pain to some extent.

The second type of pain is considered neurotic, unnecessary, or "dirty pain." Neurotic pain is considered unnecessary or "dirty pain." This pain is pathological, unhealthy, and damaging, and stems from what we tell ourselves about the existential pain we experience. It can also be caused by unrealistic appraisals of ourselves, harsh judgments from others or the world and a consistently negative view of the world that is unaffected by any positive feedback or events. For people with depression, it is often this unnecessary pain that causes the most suffering. "

For the sake of saving time, I'm going to put most (but not all) emotional pain (that is self-inflicted and often unnecessary) in the dirty pain section.

Another way to look at this is to think of pain like a traffic or roadside sign helping you to reach your destination as quickly, safely and easily as possible. If the sign ahead said one way - I'll bet you wouldn't head in the wrong direction and why, well DUH - you would probably have an accident.

Emotional pain can do the same - help you avoid life mistakes, wrong direction and even associating with the wrong people or organizations but only if we choose to pay attention to the signals and then abide by them, honor them or just do what our inner voice is telling us to do or nor to do.

What are some of these signals and what could the outcomes be if they are ignored? Well first, what are they?

Stress is one of the common ones as stress is not the cause of the pain but the outcome of it when the signals we are given by the pain are ignored. Ever had a panic or anxiety attack? I have and it ain't pretty. It's like having a heart attack. Sweat, nervousness, loss of bearings, feeling totally out of control etc.

A few of the common emotional signals (that can take physical form) we can get are things like - trouble sleeping, loss of attention or control, little things distract you, itching, stomach issues, soreness, heartburn, indecision, headaches, migraines, fears of all kinds and for no apparent reason. So, let me repeat, these emotional signals can be both physical and mental in nature.

Let me give you a quick personal example.

Many years ago, I was offered a full time very high position by a client. It was lucrative, filled with great potential and I was more than qualified. At the same time, as a full-time speaker for several years I was still struggling to get my career into high gear. During a period of several weeks I kept weighing the options - pro and con - to taking it. Here's the kicker. Every time I was moving emotionally toward accepting it my stomach began to feel queasy and almost painful. When I let go of this tendency to accept it and focused on staying the course in my current career and business these symptoms quickly went away.

Let me ask you, regardless of the choice, decision or option - ever had a similar situation? Feeling it now due to a choice, opportunity or consequence that is facing you?

Is there an answer to emotional pain regardless if it was from a loss of a position or job, the loss of a loved one, having an important (from your perspective) email ignored or getting dumped after a few dates?

Here are a few things to consider in no order.

Ask yourself - what am I supposed to or can I learn from this?

Ask yourself - what is this trying to teach me.

Accept the fact that God (if you are a non-believer this one will have no meaning or benefit for you) doesn't punish us with stuff but allows stuff to help us learn. My first reaction to everything I don't like or want and even stuff I do is - OK, God - what are you up to with this?

Keep in mind that all of life's experiences are teachers trying to teach us about ourselves and not necessarily the situation or other people. (I was given three children for them to teach me not for me to teach them.)

Ask yourself - is this the first time this lesson has come to me or is it repeating because I have failed to learn from previous situations and if so - why?

Spend more time in prayer, meditation, quiet introspection and/or, nature.

Turn off technology and the outside world and just listen to yourself.

See the potential humor in everything.

Spend time listening to your favorite music.

There are numerous other tasks and/or activities you can do that can help you through the weeds of negative life circumstances that can cause pain but the most important one is the decision not to let outside circumstances or people take control of you.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Waste-Your-Pain---Use-It-To-Grow&id=9724632

9 Signs It's Time To End Your Relationship

Rarely do I outright tell clients to end their relationships. I like to trust that eventually we gain the perspective and energy necessary to make the decisions that serve us best; however, I've supported countless clients over the years as their relationships unwravelled, and some themes seem to emerge again and again.

If one or more of the following is true for you, it might be worth reevaluating your relationship status.

1. You talk about the relationship improving in some hypothetical future.

In other words, you're convinced the relationship will be better "when": I know he'll appreciate me more when his friends get married; She'll be more supportive of my anxiety disorder when we've finished school; We'll enjoy each other's company more when we move in together.

Many believe their partners will change — for example become more committed, understanding, or affectionate — when they hit a milestone or some external stressor is reduced. This certainly does happen, but it's not a guarantee. If you knew they'd never change, would you still be in it for the long haul?

Base your desire to be in your relationship on your present experience, not on some future idea of what you want it to be.

2. You're feeling pressured to change in one or more areas, and it makes you feel less worthy as a result.

It's one thing for your partner to ask you to stop putting so much garlic in the salad dressing. It's another thing for them to ask you to lose 20 pounds or get a better job. You want to feel loved by your partner unconditionally. If they want you to change, it's likely a projection of their own insecurity. Tell them to connect with a counselor and let you keep being you.

3. You feel loved and supported ... when you're happy.

Many of us feel loved and supported in our relationships when we're feeling happy, confident and comfortable. But what happens when we're having a "low" day, when we're mega-stressed at work, when we're bedridden with the stomach flu, or when we're paralyzed by anxiety? What happens when we lose someone we love, get laid off at work, or get a diagnosis that turns our world upside down?

When we feel pressured to maintain a certain emotional equilibrium around our partners, we breed secondary emotions — guilt, shame, and anxiety — for experiencing anything other than happiness and calm. Inevitably, life will throw more things than just happiness and calm your way, so it's important feel safe feeling those less less comfortable emotions in the presence of your partner.

4. You feel disrespected, under-appreciated, frustrated, hurt, insignificant, lonely, invalidated, ashamed or guilty on a regular basis.

And you rarely hear "I'm sorry." Sure: "regular basis" is a timeframe for you to define. Some people would say it's never OK to be made to feel such things in a relationship, but hey, we're all humans and we all say hurtful or unsupportive things from time to time. If your partner partner messes up occasionally and responds with remorse, that might not be a reason to call it quits. However, if the above feelings are common ones, tell Jack (or Jill) to hit the road.

5. By asking your partner to hang out with your friends or family, you feel like you're asking them to hand over all their positions and move to the Arctic.

Do you dread telling your partner about your sister-in-law's dinner invitation? Does attending your best friend's birthday party go into hours of negotiations? Do your coworkers sometimes question if your partner, in fact, exists?

Your better half doesn't have to love every member of your family and every one of your friends, but it is important that they're willing to embark on significant other duties without (much) protest. You of course, do the same, right?

6. When you express a need, you can't help but feel crazy, needy, dramatic, high-maintenance, and unreasonable.

Much of the time, you even end up apologizing for it. Look, we all have our "crazy" moments, and we ought to respect that our partners have theirs. We're all imperfect, and jealousy can lead to "creative" ways of expressing ourselves.

But if you've lost the ability to clearly see that your needs are warranted and deserving of airtime, run. Your self-esteem and self-respect will be the next to go.

7. You only feel secure in the relationship when you're physically together.

OK, there's more to this one than just a couple sentences. Insecurity in the pockets between texting, calling, and being together could be an indicator of insecure attachment — something that's best explored further with your therapist. It's not your partner's responsibility to heal those wounds (at least entirely).

However, for those of us who developed "attachment issues" somewhere along the way, we tend to seek out relationships that mirror those early attachment relationships. And so, we might be maintaining a less than optimal relationship with our partner because it's what we know, and not because it's what's healthy. If you're curious about your attachment style, I encourage you to take a test online and/or do some more research.

If you think your attachment style might be getting in the way of experiencing a healthy relationship (I've been there), I really encourage you to connect with a mental health professional. You can't read your way out of this stuff.

8. You feel "hidden" by your partner.

Has it been seven months and you haven't met their parents, who live just three blocks away? Has your partner never posted a photo of you on Instagram, or invited you to their office party?

Depending on the circumstances, keeping things quiet initially can add to the excitement, but there comes a point when being their "little secret" is more degrading than anything else. You deserve to know your partner is proud of you and committed to the relationship.

9. You're a markedly different person around your partner.

Many people find their "better half" makes them "a better person." This shouldn't be a red flag — learning from and being inspired by our partners is one of the wonderful perks of being in a relationship. But many of us have that friend (or are that person) who acts completely different when they're around their partner. Maybe we seem more enthusiastic, easy-going, or pretentious.

If you feel like you're playing a part, behaving and responding based on how you think you should rather than authentically, you might want to reassess things.

If one or more of these signs resonated with you, I encourage you to investigate your thoughts and feelings further. Connect with a therapist, confide in a friend, journal about your experience. Growth and awareness are valuable byproducts of unhealthy relationships, but life is too short to remain in them once we've learned whatever it is we're meant to learn.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16695/9-signs-its-time-to-end-your-relationship.html

Getting Over Relationship Insecurity

Nothing awakens our anxiety like a close relationship.

“She isn’t attracted to me any more. She never acts as excited to see me when I come home. Why can’t it just be like it was in the beginning?” My friend has just entered into the first of two common phases of relationship insecurity: rhetorical questioning. The internal investigation continues with, “She takes forever to answer my texts. Doesn’t she miss me when I’m gone? She used to always laugh at my jokes. Do you think she’s interested in someone else?”

Then comes phase two: turning on himself, “It’s because I’m losing my looks. I’m away too often. She doesn’t think I’m fun any more. I can’t make her happy. There’s something wrong with me. She wants someone better.”

We’ve all most likely been at one or the other ends of this scenario; we’ve either been the worrier or been with the worrier. Chances are, we’ve actually experienced both.Insecurity, as most of us know first hand, can be toxic to our closest relationships. And while it can bounce back and forth from partner to partner, both the cause of our insecurity and its cure reside in us alone.

Unsurprisingly, studies have found that people with low self-esteem have more relationship insecurities, which can prevent them from experiencing the benefits of a loving relationship. People with low self-esteem not only want their partner to see them in a better light than they see themselves, but in moments of self-doubt, they have trouble even recognizing their partner’s affirmations. Moreover, the very acting out of our insecurities can push our partner away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because this struggle is so internal and most of the time even independent of circumstances, it’s important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner into them. We can do this by taking two steps 1. Uncovering the real roots of our insecurity and 2. Challenging the inner critic that sabotages our relationship.

1. Where does our insecurity come from?

Nothing awakens distant hurts like a close relationship. Our relationships stir up old feelings from our past more than anything else. Our brains are even flooded with the same neuro-chemical in both situations.

We all have working models for relationships that were formed in our early attachments to influential caretakers. Whatever our early pattern was shapes our adult relationships, a subject I address in more detail in the blog “How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship.” Our style of attachment influences which partners we choose and the dynamics that play out in our relationships. A secure attachment pattern helps a person to be more confident and self-possessed. However, when someone has an anxious or preoccupied attachment style, they may be more likely to feel insecure toward their partner.

Knowing our attachment style is beneficial, because it can help us to realize ways we may be recreating a dynamic from our past. It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships, which can actually, in turn, change our attachment style. Finally, it can make us more aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation.

Our insecurities can further stem from a “critical inner voice” that we’ve internalized based on negative programming from our past. If we had a parent who hated themselves, for example, or who directed critical attitudes toward us, we tend to internalize this point of view and carry it with us like a cruel coach inside our heads. This inner critic tends to be very vocal about the things that really matter to us, like our relationships. Take the example of my friend, mentioned above. First the critical inner voice fueled doubts about his girlfriend’s interest in him, then it turned on him. The second he perceived the situation through the filter of his critical inner voice, which told him his girlfriend was pulling away, his mind flooded with terrible thoughts toward himself. One minute, he was just fine. The next minute, he was listening to an inner voice telling him all the ways he couldn’t measure up, that he was being rejected.

Relationships shake us up. They challenge core feelings we have about ourselves and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones. They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past. If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner won’t just feel like a current frustration. It has the potential to send us back into the emotional state of a terrified child, who needed our parent for survival. As hard as it may feel to connect our contemporary reactions with beliefs, attitudes and experiences from our early lives, it is an invaluable tool for getting to know ourselves, and ultimately, for challenging behaviors that don’t serve us or even fit with our real, adult life.

2. How to Deal With Relationship Insecurity

In order to challenge our insecurity, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. We should try to catch it each and every time is creeps into our minds. Sometimes, it may be easy. We’re getting dressed to go out on a date, and it screeches, “You look awful! You’re so fat. Just cover yourself up. He’ll never be attracted to you.” Other times, it’ll be more sneaky, even soothing sounding, “Just keep to yourself. Don’t invest or show her how you feel, and you won’t get hurt.” This voice can even turn on our partner in ways that make us feel more insecure, “You can’t trust him. He’s probably cheating on you!” Identifying this critical inner voice is the first step to challenging it. Here you can learn specific steps you can take to conquer this inner critic and keep it from infiltrating your love life.

As we start to challenge these negative attitudes toward ourselves, we must also make an effort to take actions that go against the directives of our critical inner voice. In terms of a relationship, that means not acting out based on unwarranted insecurities or acting in any ways we don’t respect. Here are some helpful steps to take:

Maintain your independence. It’s crucial to keep a sense of ourselves separate from our partner. As Dr. Daniel Siegel has said, the goal for a relationship should be to make a fruit salad and not a smoothie. In other words, we shouldn’t forego essential parts of who we are in order to become merged into a couple. Instead, each of us should work to maintain the unique aspects of ourselves that attracted us to each other in the first place, even as we move closer. In this way, each of us can hold strong, knowing that we are a whole person in and of ourselves.

Don’t act out no matter how anxious you are. Of course, this is easier said then done, but we all know our insecurities can precipitate some pretty destructive behavior. Acts of jealousy or possessiveness can hurt our partner, not to mention us. Snooping through their text messages, calling every few minutes to see where they are, getting mad every time they look at another attractive person – these are all acts that we can avoid no matter how anxious it makes us, and in the end, we will feel much stronger and more trusting. Even more importantly, we will be trustworthy.

Because we can only change our half of the dynamic, it’s always valuable to think about if there are any actions we take that push our partner away. If we’re acting in a way we respect, and we still don’t feel like we’re getting what we want, we can make a conscious decision to talk about it with our partner or change the situation, but we never have to feel victimized or allow ourselves to act in ways that we don’t respect.

Don’t seek reassurance. Looking to our partner to reassure us when we feel insecure only leads to more insecurities. Remember, these attitudes come from inside us, and unless we can overcome them within ourselves, it won’t matter how smart, sexy, worthy or attractive our partner tells us we are. No matter what, we must strive to feel okay within ourselves. This means really and fully accepting the love and affection our partner directs toward us. However, it doesn’t mean looking to our partner at every turn for reassurance to prove we are okay, a burden that weighs on our partner and detracts from ourselves.

Stop measuring. It’s important not to constantly evaluate or assess our partner’s every move. We have to accept that our partner is a separate person with a sovereign mind. We won’t always see things the same way or express our love in the same way. This doesn’t mean we should settle for someone who doesn’t offer us what we want in a relationship, but when we do find someone who we value and love, we should try not to enter into a tit-for-tat mentality in which we continuously measure who owes who what and when.

A relationship should be equal in terms of maturity and kindnesses exchanged. If things feel off, we can communicate clearly what we want, but we shouldn’t expect our partner to read our minds or know exactly what to do all the time. As soon as we get into the blame game, it’s a hard cycle from which to break free .

Go all in. We all have anxiety, but we can increase our tolerance for the many ambiguities that every relationship inevitably presents by being true to ourselves. We can invest in a person even when we know they have the power to hurt us. Keeping one foot out the door only keeps the relationship from becoming as close as it can and may even undermine it altogether. When we allow ourselves to be loved and to feel loving, we are bound to also feel anxious, but sticking it out has more rewards than we may imagine. When we take a chance without letting our insecurities dictate our behavior, the best case scenario is that the relationship blossoms, and the worst case is that we grow within ourselves. No time is wasted that taught us something about ourselves or that helped nourish our capacity to love and be vulnerable. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201509/getting-over-relationship-insecurity

3 Reasons to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

... and 2 far better strategies to gauge your success.

When I was about eight, I came home from school one day and innocently asked my mother if I was “the best.” At school, we had been learning about comparative words like “better” and “best,” and I wondered if I was “the best” at something—maybe piano or reading or spelling? My wise mother calmly replied, “You’ll never be the best at anything. The world is a big place with millions of people; it’s impossible to be the best. Just do your best, and you’ll be fine.”

I was recently reminded of this conversation after reading about the tragic increase in suicide rates at highly competitive colleges.

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 Smart, popular, accomplished young people from loving families are taking their own lives in unprecedented numbers, a pattern that some experts attribute to the drive to be the “best”—a tall if not impossible order when surrounded by other ambitious high-achievers. Suicide is highly complex and can never be attributed to a single cause, although depression 

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is almost always an underlying factor. College mental health experts

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 directly attribute much of modern young adults' malaise to consequences of social comparison—comparing one’s own accomplishments, looks, athletic prowess, school grades, or popularity—to their classmates and feeling that they’re coming up short, often with devastating consequences.

It’s not just college students who compare themselves to others. Most of us have compared ourselves to a friend, colleague, or even a celebrity, in a quest to figure out “how we’re doing.” It’s hard not to do when magazine articles celebrate "The Top 40 Under 40,” and yoga clothing catalogs showcase images of CEO moms who build orphanages in their spare time. It’s hard for our own lives to shine in comparison.

Can we wean ourselves from social comparison? It’s easier said than done. Some psychologists, most notably Leon Festinger

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, believe that our desire to compare ourselves to others is a drive

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—one almost as powerful as thirst or hunger. While comparisons can be informative, they’re almost always discouraging, because someone’s always going to end up on the bottom. My mother was not a social psychologist, but she knew that the desire to top others was an exercise in futility. A better way to figure out "How am I doing?” might be to compare ourselves today to where we were in the past, or to where we want to be in the future. This process, called temporal comparison

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, is less well-known than Festinger’s social comparison theory, but there are good reasons why we should rely on temporal rather than social comparisons when taking stock of our lives.

Here are 3 reasons why using social comparisons is wrong:

1. Others’ so-called "perfection" is an illusion.
   The glorious vacations, the enviable professional accomplishments, the perfect children and spouses we see on our friends’ Facebook pages are just one sliver of their real lives. It’s the truth, but not the “whole truth and nothing but the truth.” A friend may proudly announce the publication of their new novel, but conceal the 12 rejections their manuscript received before being published. We may envy the smiling suntanned family we see on a tropical vacation, although we’re not privy to the fact that the 30 seconds of smiling came after three hours of squabbling and sniping. If we knew others’ whole truths, we might not feel so inadequate when comparing ourselves to their carefully crafted public images of "perfection."
2. Life isn’t fair.
   Some people are born with more advantages than others: A perfectly symmetrical face. Rapid-fire metabolism. Wealthy parents. Social connections that help them score a coveted job. Yet when we compare ourselves (unfavorably) to others, we often beat ourselves up for not trying hard enough. It’s much more likely that the differences we see reflect an uneven playing field—a reality that Americans just don’t like to accept
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   . Hard work just isn’t enough sometimes.
3. Comparisons turn friends and allies into rivals.
   In a perfect world, we would celebrate and genuinely enjoy the joys and accomplishments of others. Yet if we use others as a benchmark to evaluate ourselves, that creeping twinge of jealousy may undermine our ability to truly cherish the good things that come to others. Just remember: Over time, things may even out, and a friend’s success may enable him or her to support and make opportunities for others (including you).

Here are 2 ways temporal comparisons can help us:

1. They help to structure our goals.
   Thinking about where we’d like to be in the future and comparing that to where we are today helps us to structure our goals in sensible ways. Whether we’re an adult dreaming of a career change, or a college student hoping to go to medical school, having a clear idea of what we need to do, what we have been doing, and what’s got to change can help us to take realistic steps to reach our goals.
2. They help us to troubleshoot. 
   Temporal comparisons can be thought of us fact-finding missions, on which we find out facts about ourselves. Are you struggling with a two-mile run today, but sailed along a five-miler last week? If so, what’s changed in the past week? These "data" help us to isolate possible obstacles to doing the best job possible. Maybe we got a bad night’s sleep, or have too many work worries on our mind, or have an undiagnosed illness, and our run is suffering as a result. This fact-finding may help us to pinpoint problems that could have otherwise gone unnoticed, and may help us to remedy those obstacles that are preventing us from doing our "personal best.”

By focusing on self-improvement rather than one-upmanship, we’ll have a more realistic and insightful strategy for reaching our goals, and ideally, our friends and loved ones will be there to support us along the way.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bouncing-back/201508/3-reasons-stop-comparing-yourself-others

What We Now Know About Jealousy in Relationships

Where do you land on the scale?

No one wants to be abandoned by their romantic partner. But in some relationships,jealousy or possessiveness threatens to drive people apart. When jealousy is fueled by insecurity and turns into possessiveness, a relationship may take an unwanted turn. You probably don’t want to feel owned, and your partner likely desires at least some autonomy.

Recent research illuminates how cultures and genders exhibit possessive behaviors. Evolutionary psychologists assert that complex human behaviors can be traced to their roots in protecting the species. Relationship researchers focus on mate guarding, a term that refers to an organism’s tendency to defend its territory, including its sexual partner. According to psychologists Abraham Buunk and Alejandro Castro Solano, some birds (e.g. bank swallows) may stalk their mate, spying on them as often as 100 times a day. Buunk and Solano’s work specifically addresses the possibility that cultural influences shape whether and how humans express possessive tendencies toward our partners.

Different societies have different norms. Mate guarding among human groups ranges from keeping constant tabs on a mate (like a bank swallow) to executing females who commit adultery, where it is considered a “crime of honor.” Although most studies of mate guarding have focused on males, one study surveying 137 societies conducted in the 1980s found that arguments over men were the main reason that women fought with each other. Women exhibited similar levels of jealous emotions—such as anger and aggression—as did men toward the thought of their partners becoming unfaithful.

Possessiveness can be traced to evolutionary roots, but many suspect that socialization and personality also influence whether a man or woman tries to control a partner’s behavior. In Western cultures, men do not prevent their partners from meeting other men, and may even accept the idea that their partners occasionally (and innocently) flirt; in many Islamic cultures, however, women are veiled and prohibited from interacting with men.

To explain these variations, Buunk and Solano posit that mate guarding is more likely to occur in societies in which arranged marriages are the norm. When people are not free to choose who they marry, they may require more protection to ensure that someone they do love will not come along and threaten the marriage. As Buunk and Solano state, “as one knows that the spouse did not enter the marriage out of love, one may perceive a high risk that the spouse might become sexually involved with, or might fall in love with, someone else” (p. 105). Their theory is that when people choose each other on the basis of love, they will be less concerned with the possibility that their partner will pursue a rival. 

To test their hypothesis, Buunk and Solano surveyed one sample of exchange students in the Netherlands, and one sample of Argentinians ranging from 18 to 41 in age, 64% of whom were already partnered. Participants rated their perceived degree of parental influence over their choice of mate and their perception of how much parental influence was considered normative in their home country.

These 8 items were on the possessiveness scale. Participants rated each from 5 (very much applicable) to 1 (not applicable):

1. I do not want my partner to meet too many people of the opposite sex.
2. It is not acceptable to me if my partner sees people of the opposite sex on a friendly basis.
3. I demand from my partner that he/she does not look at other women/men.
4. I am quite possessive with respect to my partner.
5. I do not want my partner to go his/her own way.
6. I demand from my partner that he/she does not flirt with other men/women.
7. I prefer it that my partner does not leave the house alone.
8. I have the feeling my partner is mine, and that others have to keep their hands off him/her.

The average score of all participants on this scale was right in the middle (approximately 2.5 per item, or a total of 20 on all items). However, people scored higher on this score if they perceived their parents to have an influence on their partner choice. Moreover, this effect was stronger among people who closely identified with their own culture of origin’s family values. Most important, the findings were similar for men and women.

Women and men share the responsibility for possessiveness and jealousy in a relationship. Moreover, the findings illustrate the important role of family values in influencing behaviors associated with personality characteristics such as anxious attachment—the fear of being abandoned by your partner. Some speculate that people would be more possessive of partners they perceived as attractive, and who might be the target of others. However, there was a zero correlation between perceived partner attractiveness and individuals' feelings of possessiveness toward that partner. 

If you score high on the possessiveness scale (or your partner does), it might mean that you and/or your partner have a "jealousy-predisposing" personality. Consider how your own cultural background influences the feelings that you and your partner have toward possessiveness. You may be mapping your own cultural attitudes in a way that causes undue worry and may harm your relationship's future.

Understand how your culture influences your personality and relationship to pinpoint the origins of your feelings toward your partner. Your greater awareness will help you get more fulfilment out of that relationship without worrying about losing it.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201505/what-we-now-know-about-jealousy-in-relationships

6 Ways to Break Free from the Trap of Jealousy

Research reveals what to do if you or a partner can't get past jealous thoughts.

It is common to be occasionally jealous of a close romantic partner. A simple conversation may cause worry that something lingers beneath the polite veneer; normally, it is easy to dismiss such fears, confident that one's partner is faithful, and that suspicion is unwarranted. Extreme or "morbid" jealousy, however, can be problematic. Sufferers may become preoccupied with the possibility that a partner is cheating, triggering a vicious cycle of suspicion that leads to incorrect conclusions. They may start to act in ways that cause real relationship problems, and only further inflaming their doubts.

If you or a partner struggles with morbid jealousy, your beliefs about your relationship, and about relationships in general, can be challenged and ultimately changed, thanks to new research on addressing and healing jealous thoughts and behavior. 

Psychotherapists, marriage and family therapists, and couples counselors frequently encounter jealousy problems in their clients, typically seeing the problem as a symptom of a troubled relationship. But few studies address the identification and treatment of morbid jealousy. As a result, clinicians must rely on general therapeutic guidelines when treating clients, rather than being able to turn to empirically-tested approaches. In their article titled, fittingly enough, “Taming the Green-Eyed Monster,” Sheffield (England) psychologists Stephen Kellett and Peter Totterdell have tackled the issue of how to adapt known therapeutic approaches to the problem of morbid jealousy. 

Prior to their research, a few studies had tested the efficacy of cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) for the morbidly jealous. CBT involves teaching individuals first to identify the dysfunctional thought patterns that trigger their jealousy and then to develop strategies to prevent those thoughts from taking over their emotional lives. Kellett and Totterdell decided to put CBT to a more rigorous test, developing the first controlled study to evaluate its effectiveness. They also compared CBT with a more psychodynamically-oriented approach called cognitive analytic therapy (CAT). In CAT, clinicians use what happens in therapy (such as the client being afraid the therapist will abandon her) as a way to provide additional insight into the client’s unduly jealous thought patterns. CAT also focuses on underlying issues that people bring into all their relationships, such as fear of abandonment or of feeling inadequate.

Using what’s called a “single-case experimental design (SCED),” Kellett and Totterdell compared two married women in their responses to CBT and CAT; one was assigned to CBT and the other to CAT. Although there is only one client per treatment method, the clients provide highly detailed data consisting of their thought patterns on a daily basis, as well as the responses of their partners. The experimental aspect of the method involves comparing the problematic jealous thoughts during and after treatment with extensive follow-up.

We will see the study's results shortly.

First, however, let’s see how you compare to the two clients on the key morbid jealousy symptoms.

The five daily target symptoms of morbid jealousy that these clients believed to be their main problem included:

• feeling jealous;
• watching and observing a partner (“hypervigilance”);
• acting out jealousy (“disinhibition”);
• being anxious; and
• having low self-esteem.

These are fairly typical feelings associated with high levels of jealousy. Adding to the study's value, the researchers also involved the partners of the two women, asking each to rate how much their wife was acting jealous and whether they felt their wives were being overly controlling (such as demanding to know where they were at all times).

The two women rated how often they had these thoughts and feelings on a daily basis on a 1-9 scale, and rated their self-esteem from 1 (“rubbish”) to 9 (“great”). At the end of each day, the clients and their partners recorded their ratings and reflected on the day overall. They were encouraged not to speak to each other about their ratings nor to use the ratings “in an aggressive manner” to get back at each other.

The treatment took place over 13 sessions following a 3-week assessment phase. Each client had a so-called “formulation” of her jealousy, consisting of a diagram mapping out which interactions and thoughts seemed to create the most problems for her. These diagrams served as the guide to therapy. (This was an important point. There is no one-size-fits-all treatment for jealousy; each couple’s dynamics are specific to their personalities and relationship.)

The findings showed that the two therapy methods had different effects on the clients and their partners. Both were effective in reducing symptoms of jealousy (CAT somewhat more so from a statistical point of view), and both alleviated the clients' feelings of distress. The husband of the CBT-treated client felt less controlled after therapy ended, but the CAT-treated partner noticed no changes in jealousy.

There was no control group of women who received no interventions in this study, and the peculiarities of each woman's specific personality may have played a role in the progress of therapy, not to mention the characteristics of her husband. Nevertheless, the study provides an excellent basis for addressing extreme jealousy in you or your partner, summed up in these 6 steps:

1. Identify the situations most likely to trigger your jealous feelings. Is it when you’re out at social occasions, or when one of you is away due to job or other outside responsibilities? Do you become most likely to have jealous thoughts when you’re having a bad day? Make a list of the situations that trigger your suspiciousness, hyper- vigilance, or self-doubts.
    
2. Reflect on the thoughts you have that seem to lead you to feel the most jealous. CBT focuses on being able to identify your “automatic thoughts,” the almost unconscious and instantaneous conclusions you jump to, such as “I am unlovable.”
    
3. Connect your thoughts with your emotions. Telling yourself you are unlovable is almost guaranteed to make you feel depressed. Recognize that your emotions follow from those automatic, dysfunctional thoughts, and you are then ready to move on to changing them.
    
4. Challenge your thoughts and beliefs. If your jealousy is being maintained by your erroneous convictions, then it is time to change those convictions. By conducting thought experiments, you can show just how wrong those convictions actually are. Maybe you think that you need to be on the alert for signs of his or her unfaithfulness, or else something bad will happen. Try not being on the alert and then see what happens; chances are your ominous predictions will not come true.
    
5. Put a stop to jealous behaviors. Try not to enact the controlling and suspicious behavior associated with your jealousy. For example, see what happens if you don’t voice your jealous concerns to your partner after he or she is gone for (what you think is) longer than the usual time at work. In the past, your accusations would perhaps have triggered anger and defensiveness in your partner. When you stop making those accusations, your partner should not feel as over-controlled and you will be less likely to have a conflict.
    
6. Focus on the underlying issues in your feelings about relationships. CAT takes into account the underlying issues, such as abandonment and feelings of inferiority that you carry into your relationships. For example, if you are constantly fearful that your partner will abandon you, this fans the flames of distrust, increasing your feelings of anxiety and jealousy. Identifying your trigger points can help stave off those self-doubts and anxious ruminations.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201307/6-ways-break-free-the-trap-jealousy

What's Really Behind Jealousy, and What to Do About It

Practical tips for dealing with a partner's jealousy, or your own.

      

It's a common misconception that jealousy is a sign of love.

I recently saw the following quote on Twitter, from a source whose username at least suggested the author was associated with psychology: “The people who are really in love get jealous over stupid things.” I was surprised to see this misconception so deeply ingrained that even seemingly psychologically savvy people believe it.

Jealousy can be a major relationship problem—a survey of marital therapists reported that romantic jealousy was a serious problem for a third of their clients. I hope to dispel the myth that jealousy is a sign of love. But if it's not, then what really motivates jealous responses? Research has linked several traits to greater jealousy:

1. Low self-esteem.
2. Neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable.
3. Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness.
4. Dependence on your partner:  Even asking people to imagine that they don’t have good alternative partners leads to more negative reactions to hypothetical jealousy-inducing scenarios.
5. Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner.
6. An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough. Research has shown that temporarily causing people to feel more securely attached, by asking them to think about receiving support from a loved one, makes them react less severely to a hypothetical jealousy-inducing situation.

All of these factors that relate to jealousy are about the insecurities of the jealous people,not about the love they have for their partner.

So if your partner is exhibiting unwarranted jealousy, what should you do? 

You should realize that your partner’s jealousy isn’t about you; it’s about them. Respond to expressions of jealousy by reassuring your partner of your love. Research has shown that those who respond to partners’ jealousy by reassuring them of their interest and attraction tend to have more stable relationships.

What should you do if you’re jealous?

How should you deal with jealousy if you’re the one snooping through your partner’s email? Several actions can help you cope:

1. Avoid situations that are likely to arouse false suspicions. In one survey, researchers found that those who were jealous tended to monitor their partners’ Facebook activity. The more they snooped on Facebook, the more they would find evidence to worry about, leading to even more spying, and creating a vicious cycle of increased monitoring and jealousy.
2. Work on yourself. Work on building your confidence in yourself and your relationship.
3. Communicate with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, talk about it with your partner—but the way you talk is key: If you express anger or sarcasm, or hurl accusations at your partner, that’s not going to help. You must be direct, but not hostile. Calmly explain your feelings and discuss how to find a solution. This will enable you to be more satisfied and prevent your partner from being confused by your jealous behavior. These communication strategies are most likely to bring out positive responses in your partner.

Sometimes jealousy is justified: If your partner has had an affair and has betrayed your trust, for example, that is a serious issue. If you are jealous because you’re involved with someone who doesn’t seek monogamy, while you do, then your jealous feelings may be a good reason to leave the relationship and seek someone whose relationship goals are more compatible with yours. But when you get jealous over “stupid things," you’re not showing love; you’re revealing your own insecurities.

“There is more self-love than love in jealousy”—Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201410/whats-really-behind-jealousy-and-what-do-about-it