Creating a Happiness Circle of Friends

There's an old saying that comes to mind when considering this week's topic, and it is this: "When you run with the dogs, you start to smell like them."

You may have heard a slightly different version of this bit of folk wisdom: "When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas." It's the same concept, though an infestation of actual living critters seems more ominous than a simple odor. Or maybe that depends on the odor in question?

These old expressions tend to stick with us best when they have the ring of truth to them, and particularly if that truth is timeless. This is a good example of a timeless truth, and we might reword it this way: The people we spend time with have an influence on us.

The best example of this phenomenon among humans is seen in teenagers. Teens who hang out together often coordinate the outfits they wear; they might share musical tastes and pastimes. They often talk similarly, with similar expressions and inflections.

In primary school, around ages 6-12, students in the U.S. receive quite a bit of education about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. During what's known as Red Ribbon Week, millions upon millions of dollars are spent to teach them about the ways that substances can ruin or end their lives.

When these children become teenagers and enter junior high and high school, they tend to focus more on the habits and attitudes of their friends, and less on the messages schools and families try to convey. Teens are likely to encounter drugs in their lives, and their reactions to them can impact their whole lives. Some may become addicted. Some may die. Some never try drugs. Still others experiment a little with drugs, but then they never do it again.

When we reflect on the decisions teens make, there is a tendency to scoff. Why do they dress like that? How can they listen to that? Why do they experiment with that?

The answer is that teens, more than anyone, emulate the people they hang out with. They want to be like their friends, whether those friends are total prohibitionists or they end up doing drugs many times a day. Friends, after all, are like-minded people, and they are drawn to one another, especially at this early age, because of their shared values.

What's left unstated in the saying I started out with is that we also have an influence on those who encounter and spend time with us. It's not necessary to be a recognized thought leader-say, the most popular kid at school-to change the thinking of those around us. If we're a teen, our good grades may give our friends something to strive for ("If she can do it, maybe I can, too!"). Maybe our fashion decisions spark our friends' creativity so that they want to take our choices even farther. This phenomenon is by no means a bad thing-but it is a thing. We all influence each other, just by our presence or our proximity.

Do we change markedly after our teen years? I'm not so sure we do. To return to the example of substance use, if we don't break the cycle of drugs and alcohol, we might keep doing them past our teens and into our twenties, thirties, forties... and beyond. A lot of that has to do with the company we keep. After all, we tend to surround ourselves with people who do the same sorts of things we do and who share some of the same thought processes. We then would make the decision to continue drinking, and to hang out with people who spend time at bars, rather than meditation centers or churches (though there is sometimes overlap).

As a teen, we often believe that whatever we do, however we think, is how everyone else does it, too, so if we're drinking and doing drugs, we believe that most other teens are doing the same, or that they would like to. Likewise, people who spend their time drinking together at bars might think that everyone else is drinking, too-perhaps quietly at home while being secretive about it.

In my practice, I have worked with men and women who have had affairs, and I have noticed a common thread among them. They usually have a genuine belief that everyone cheats, and if they don't, then they wish they could, because cheating, they think, is natural. They often find themselves in the company of other people who cheat because of this tendency to prefer the company of people who are of like mind.

Again, like finding and preferring the company of like is common. It's what we usually do. At some point, though, we need to ask ourselves whether going with the flow is the best choice for us.

If you are reading this, you are someone who cares about your own happiness. You probably came here to consider ways that you yourself could live a happier life. I would like to suggest that you begin to consider your associations-your friendships-and ask yourself if they are contributing to your happiness and your overall quality of life.

It's difficult to consider friendships in this light-to think of the people we spend time with and wonder whether their influence on us is positive. We might also wonder whether our influence is helpful to them. If we can be a light in someone else's life, shouldn't we?

This is a fair question, but we should consider the fact that the answer might be a decisive no. If we provide positivity to others, that's great, but only if they feed us positivity in return. We shouldn't be expected to be the sole source of light and happiness for others. If they can't fill our tank to the extent that we fill theirs, we could be left broken down by the side of the highway with no one to call for a refill or a jump.

Looking at how our lives work, we tend to be shaped by who we hang out with. If the people we spend time with are doing certain things, there is a likelihood that we are going to influence each other, and this back-and-forth is going to reinforce our tendency to see the world in a certain way. What is important to our friends becomes important to us, and we are going to see the world through these filters.

Our friends are a big influence on us. The people we spend time with are a reflection of who we are and how our lives are going to go, at least in terms of our approach to life. We hang out with people who share our values.

Again, spending time with like-minded people is not a bad thing-far from it. If we meet up with buddies at the gym every day, we are much more likely to get in shape, stay in shape, and live a healthy life. I know that two of my best friends came into my life through healthy practices I had cultivated: one is someone I met in a hiking club, and another is a friend from a meditation group. I've been friends with both of these people throughout my life.

One example of an association that people pursue deliberately to achieve a positive result is Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA, members attend a 12-step group in order to get a handle on their drinking problem, and part of the success of the program can be attributed to the new relationships members form with one another.

Prior to joining AA, many members had social circles that were based in drinking establishments, where drinking, possibly to excess, was normalized. People who have drinking problems can convince themselves that their lifestyle is normal, and nothing about their associations suggests that this is not the case. But there are other lives a person might pursue, and the majority of these have nothing to do with alcohol. What's more, in AA, members form close relationships with sponsors-mentors who can help them to see a better way, a new idea of normal.

Many years ago, I worked with a young man-a teen-who was hanging out with people who really liked to party. However, this person was coming to the understanding that the party life was destroying him. Part of my advice to him was to try to find a different group of people to spend time with.

This young man loved being in nature, and in time, he was able to find other people who loved nature as much as he did. He began to spend time with them as they enjoyed the beauty, majesty, and wonder of the natural world, and of course this was a powerful substitute to his one-time life focus on drinking. He came to enjoy spending time with his new associates as they recognized the physical, spiritual, and mental health benefits of hiking, particularly with other like-minded people.

There are people who want to be positive, encouraging, loving presences in the lives of others, and this young man was fortunate to find some of them. To be happy, we need to seek out and find such people.

Perhaps we feel that we don't know anybody who is consistently positive, but we should put forth the effort to do the things that will bring us joy, and then we can look around and see who else is involved in similar pursuits. If we put ourselves in positive situations, we are much more likely to find positive people there, and these people can become our friends and our encouragers, if we give them the chance.

The poet Emily Dickinson famously wrote, "The Soul selects her own Society- / Then -shuts the Door." It's a poem we're exposed to in school, but it may not be one that we immediately understand, but Dickinson is saying that we find the people, or person, who resonate with us, and then we shut the rest of the world out, whether that includes chariots passing by our gate or an emperor kneeling on our mat. We find our people, and those are the ones we choose to give all of our attention to.

And perhaps Dickinson is correct-we do shut the door on people who are not within the lines of our laser focus. But the good thing about doors is that they are built to open and close. (I recently saw an internet meme that began, "If one door closes... ," but instead of the familiar ending to that saying, "another door opens," it said this: "If one door closes, open it. That's how doors work." Perhaps no one told Emily, but this door does not have to remain closed. We can open it to usher people out or to invite people in. That's how doors work.

There is a phenomenon that happens every summer in Sturgis, South Dakota. This town has a population of just under 7,000, but every August, its numbers swell to more than half a million people-and in a recent year, 700,000 people descended on the quiet Western town.

Who are these hundreds of thousands of visitors? They are people who love motorcycles, and they get together annually to celebrate the freedom of the road. These people are an example of those who enjoy spending time with others who share their interest, and they illustrate our tendency to find people who do as we do. The love of motorcycles brings these people together.

This is not a bad thing. Joining up with like-minded people can be a very positive thing to do. But we need to understand that the people we spend time with reinforce aspects of our lives. They help to direct our thoughts toward our shared interests, and they help to shape our opinions and beliefs. If our friends contribute to habits of body and mind that are bad for us-like recreational drugs-they are not serving our best interests. In fact, they may be causing us serious harm.

Do you know people who bring out the best in you? How does it feel to spend time with them? Do they make you see the world through a positive lens? Do they contribute to your enjoyment of your activities? Do they make you feel good about yourself? And if so, why do you not choose to spend your time with them? Why do you not seek out others like them, so that you can always have that access to a wave of positivity and happiness?

It's possible that we feel we have an obligation to the relationships that pull us down to a place where we don't want to be. This sense of obligation can keep us returning to the same mindsets, the same habits, and the same pervasive situations that lodge us in the gears of our unhappiness.

But happiness is our birthright. It's why we are here, living our lives now, on this planet. We came into our bodies to embrace happiness, and we owe it to ourselves not to let others drag us down to the dark, murky places where they choose to dwell. Maybe the best thing we can do for those we love is to choose a better path and to shine our light from it.

If we are trapped in a cave, a tiny pinprick of light may be enough to help us find an opening to get ourselves out. Living our happiest, most fulsome lives may offer a burning match to help others find their way (though that is not our job-we are all equipped with an inner map and compass to guide us).

Just imagine the glow cast when two people put their matches together-or when a whole host of living, gentle, happy people join forces to illuminate the way. When our match flickers out, there are sources of light all around us, and it is easy to catch that spark and keep the fire going.

***

When our children go off to school, we often spend time modeling ways that they can embrace friendships and show kindness to one another. We may be all grown up now, but it's still valuable to spend some time considering the question: How do we make and be a friend?

· Go to where the friends are. We aren't going to make any friends if we are alone on our couch at home. We should find the potential friends who are doing the things we'd like to be doing, or thinking the way we'd like to be thinking. If we want to work on our physical and spiritual health, maybe a yoga class is a good place to spend our time. If we value creative expression, a gallery opening or a concert is a possibility. Spend enough time doing the things that feed your soul, and you're bound to encounter some friendly people doing the same.

· Jump in. Don't be shy. You have showed up at the place and among the people you believe will feed your happiness. Now is not the time to hang back on the periphery. Edge out onto the dance floor, figurative or otherwise. Try a few moves.

· Be curious. We don't make friends by handing out copies of our curriculum vitae. Rather, we need to ask questions about others-their values, their interests, their opinions. Showing an interest in others is powerful friend-making magic.

· Be kind. Kindness is a magnet for kindness, in that it draws kindness toward it-but it is also a magnet in the sense of that holy grail which is sought by mechanical engineers: the magnetic motor to drive a perpetual motion machine. Kindness is a perpetual motion machine, and I'm convinced it can light up the world.

· Let happiness be your guide. If you are in a good, healthy place among others, you will be open to possibilities. You will feel valued. You will feel reassured. You will more than likely make good decisions. Check how you feel to determine if you're with the people who are right for you, and if you are not, give yourself permission to go find them.

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Live Your Current Life With Purpose - Yesterday Is Gone, Listen to Your Internal Guidance

LIFE IS A SERIES OF EVENTS MEANT TO FACILITATE OUR LEARNING BY BROADENING OUR HORIZONS-AN OPPORTUNITY TO UPLIFT THE ENERGY WE CONTRIBUTE TO OUR SOCIETY OF PEOPLE WE MEET, KNOW OR LOVE.

Life is uncomplicated, it's humanity and the ingrained drama that diverts the energy away from the business of purposeful communication. Make a conscious choice to engage and experience expansion in your scope of thought in lieu of responding to triggers that ignite happiness, pain, bias or fear. Once I realized that in order to feel humble, I had to be humble and compassionate with myself first. In order to fully nurture another; I had to nurture myself, first, to be giving and selfless. I am in the process of learning how to give, forgive, and love myself more unconditionally; in order to be able to do the same thing for another. Otherwise, I will keep reacting instead of engaging with myself and my network of family, friends and business associates. I can speak candidly from a female perspective, we are ingrained at childhood to be humble, nurturing, giving and selfless, and that has not always worked out very well for me. I overcompensated, too humble, too kind, too trusting, too giving and almost completely selfless... I prefer balance in my giving/receiving- an energy exchange- if you want something for free, then you don't have respect or value an honest energy exchange.

Your self-loving characteristic will not delude you, if balanced, respected, filtered and if congruent with other ideologies, will formulate accuracy in your perception of truth and how it will lead you to open many doors for,that were once closed.

The uplifting spirit divinely designed us, enabling us to facilitate our own ability to express self-worth to oneself first, and then to ALL OTHERS... It's our responsibility to give FIRST to self, the proper respect, compassion and encouragement that we freely release to others.

Once we release all of the indoctrination, cultural fallacies, and pent-up frustration of hearing the words reverberate in our ears from family members, care takers and friends, then we can get on with the business of living a healthy, self-loving, autonomous life with less drama and more acts of healthier, organic thought processes. Our internal thoughts will evolve and enable conducive inner wisdom and spiritual growth to dominate our reality from deep within our subconscious mind, resonating into manifestations and outcomes that we choose to direct.

You are better equipped now, than you were last year, to block the words, songs or untruths, based on ego, that are dancing around in you head.

You should block these triggers with powerful truth,by focusing your attention on the reality of past victories, encourage self-love, let it guide you and sail you through the seas of life's oceans of emotion, that comes in waves of truth,untruths, perceptions and complications and finally victory!

Each individual must resonate with his or her own truth, showing respect and love for self first. Live your current life with focus meaningful intention and purpose; yesterday is gone, listen to your internal guidance and continue to the next phase of your life.

I enjoy learning from you and from others offering me knowledge continuously!

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This Is How Gratitude Can Help You Cope With a Difficult Time in Your Life

"I am sorry; your mother has passed away"

"We have a diagnosis and can confirm that your child has Autism"

"Your baby was deprived of oxygen during his birth. He will have many disabilities."

Life. It's unpredictable and full of surprises. You seem to have it all planned out, and then suddenly, and without warning, something happens to remind you that there are no guarantees about anything.

Sometimes it's good news and you are pleasantly surprised. Other times, you have the kind of experience that turns your world upside down and you're not sure what to do next. It comes on so quickly and you can't think straight. You didn't prepare for it, nor did you predict it would ever happen.

Emotions like fear, anger, disbelief, and confusion can quickly take control of your entire being. You may feel depressed, alone and uncertain. Overcome with strong negative emotions, you may not recognize the support from others and you may blame them for not doing enough.

Amidst the chaos and confusion, there is one thing that can help you to feel more positive and hopeful. That one thing is gratitude. Simply, being thankful. It doesn't cost money, it doesn't take a lot of time and it is accessible each and every day, yet it is one of the most under used tools that we have available to us.

The principle of being thankful and appreciative for what we have has been around for many years and is gaining momentum as an emerging science. From psychologists and mental health experts to Oprah, gratitude is rapidly becoming recognized as a key ingredient for overcoming trauma and grief.

Deepak Chopra, M.D. and alternative medicine advocate, believes that, "by practicing gratitude, our well-being is automatically oriented toward greater health and balance." Writer Amy Morin discovered that a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2003) found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11. Recognizing all you have to be thankful for - even during the worst times of your life - fosters resilience.

There is no denying that when you are going through a difficult time, you are angry, frustrated and sad. Feeling thankful isn't on your mind.

How can you practice gratitude when you are heartbroken or stressed?

Here are some things that I have discovered through my own experience and from others I have met along the way.

Discover Purpose and Meaning

Instead of looking at the negative, gratitude can empower you to see the opportunities in your life. While you are going through a challenge, gratitude helps you to think about all of the things you are learning. You appreciate the possibilities rather than the obstacles and you are able to find purpose and meaning in your circumstances.

When I was asked to become a committee member for our local children's services planning group, I remember feeling very thankful. From the first meeting I attended, I realized that I had something to offer. As a parent of a child with multiple disabilities, I was exhausted and under a lot of stress however sharing what I had learned and knowing that it would make a difference for other families, was a step toward understanding a broader purpose in my personal situation.

Value Your Physical and Mental Health

According to many experts, approaching each day with gratitude can change our mindset, your perspective, and even your body chemistry.

Adam Anderson, a neuroscientist at Cornell University explains that "positive emotions activate neural circuits related to novel, creative thought processes." They allow you to take on new perspectives." His findings also describe that feeling grateful has a compounding effect. The more times we express our thanks; the more positive memories we build up.

In her article from Maclean's magazine in August 2015, author Cathy Gulli refers to a recent study published in the journal Spirituality in Clinical Practice. "The results of the study found that people who scored high on a gratitude assessment test experienced better mood and sleep, more confidence in their ability to maintain their cardiac health, less fatigue and most stunning of all: blood analysis of the patients revealed gratitude was associated with lower inflammation in the body."

I was always so thankful for the one hour each day when I would go for a run or a long walk. It was my time to unwind and do something that was important to me. Whether it be exercise, joining a club or having coffee with a friend, do something regularly that is important to you.

Foster Healthy Relationships

It's no secret that maintaining healthy relationships takes commitment and dedication. The stress of the daily grind can certainly put a strain on sound partnerships and alliances. It's easy to see the faults of others, especially with the added pressure of a challenging situation. Tension within the relationship is bound to increase. If you approach your relationships with gratitude, you will be able to recognize all of the positive qualities in your partner, family member or friend. By simply expressing thanks to another person you bridge the gap between the two of you. If there are broken relationships, gratitude may be the first step toward erasing old grievances and forgiving petty differences you may have been holding onto.

Build Trust

Furthermore, open and honest communication is extremely important during stressful times. Too often people protect their feelings by not communicating, for fear of rejection or having their emotions exposed. Dr. Chopra believes, "gratitude helps to reduce feelings of insecurity, vulnerability and fear."

You may believe that sharing your feelings with your partner may create additional stress for them. Talk openly and honestly and don't be afraid to express your emotions. This will help to strengthen trust, foster growth and increase empathy.

Create Abundance

"I need more help!" is frequently expressed by people going through a traumatic situation. "There isn't enough nurses." "My child needs a better teacher." "Where is my family when I need them?"

Inadequacy, shortage, isolation and deficiency. These words represent scarcity and speak to what is lacking in your life. Instead try to pay attention to what you have in your life. My parents helped a lot. Quite frankly, we coped so well because of their unconditional love and assistance. My sister-in-law and her family would visit every weekend. My closest friend called me every day. My brother-in-law held our son and sang to him while he was an infant in the hospital. The director of my son's preschool initiated a move to help us get more in home support. At the hospital, there were some great nurses and some not so great. Some teachers were better at classroom inclusion than others. For the situations that were not very supportive, I would let them know. It is your responsibility to let them understand your point of view so that they can make a change for the better.

Gratitude helps us to feel abundance. The more grateful you are, the more your life is supported because you recognize the generosity in others. Instead of feeling alone and unsupported, you notice what your friends and family are doing for you, rather than what they are not doing. You recognize the knowledge, support and guidance offered by professionals rather than their inability to change your situation

Uncover Peace and Acceptance

After enduring a plethora of emotional ups and downs, there will be a time when you realize that you cannot change or "fix" your situation. With gratitude, you will discover the determination and the strength to make it a positive experience. Through your acceptance, you can help others in a similar situation and help them to feel more optimistic and encouraged.

Dr. Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author, sums it up nicely. "As our self expands through gratitude, our concerns, anxieties, and insecurities become small and insignificant, while our experience of joy, freedom, beauty, and compassion continues to grow. Simply take a few moments to focus on all that you have - rather than complain about things you think you deserve."

Daily Practice

The power to discover the things in your life that you are thankful for, lies with you. Start a daily gratitude journal. Look around and list the things and people for which you are thankful to have in your life. Carry it with you and be aware of each moment when something happens that makes you feel grateful and write it down. This will help you to realize that despite the difficulties, there is a lot of love, support and positive energy around you.

Lisa Raffoul is a Family Coaching and Training Specialist.

She has worked with people and organizations that support children with a disability for over 20 years.

Her inspiration was her son, Eric, who had multiple and complex disabilities.

Lisa is a dynamic public speaker and has created signature workshops to advance the parent perspective and empower others to provide support in a more authentic and family-centered approach.

Lisa recently launched a business called, Family Matters by Lisa Raffoul.

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Is It Time To Reformat Your Brain?

Who owns your brain? You do, and since you do, why not format it in such a way that it works best for you? Makes sense doesn't it? Not long ago, an acquaintance asked me why I chose to format my brain, and in giving him an answer, I thought I'd share it with you also, in case you'd like to do the same and reformat your own brain. Let's talk.

First you ask; Is this even possible?

Yes, it is possible to reformat your brain and since you own your own brain and thoughts, at least in the present period perhaps not so much in the future - Arthur C. Clarke "3001" Science Fiction novel - you should optimize your brain to think in the way you'd like to use it, or multiple ways and alternate as appropriate - there are many types of thinking, reasoning, and thought processes - many ways to store and retrieve information.

It's not a matter of thinking inside the box, or around the box, but both and "What If" the box is removed? A person can categorize everything if they wish, but may not then be able to combine information outside the category for which they are observing or thinking in, this does not mean the human brain is not well-served with a "filing system" it certainly can be, but also realize that "everything is related to everything else" merely because it is part of the observable human endeavor, but things outside that observed still exist and we know that because we are continually observing new things and adding to our memory (faithful servant - cite: Einstein), so we know things exist outside our experiences and current observations, and curiosity should be rewarded with a splash of pleasurable brain chemicals when we find something contrary to what we'd have expected.

This isn't hard, the N400 brainwave allows for this tickling of new ironic information and will allow us the "ah ha" moment triggering a hard imprintation. Rejoice in the novelty of hypocrisy, irony, semantic break, humor, and out of place events contrary to expected patterns, this helps narrow down one's probability when judging and interpreting. Just as we should celebrate diversity, yet never force it. Look and search out the unique and nuance as there are hidden clues everywhere, components needed for combination and creativity in problem solving. I can teach an AI machine to be creative, it's not that hard once you become one with creativity. You can too. Think on this.

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Can You Really Think and Grow Happier?

Today I'm going to show you something I've already shown you, but I'm going to do it from a different angle! To the ones who read it before, and ignored it, well it should now help you to dig in. To the ones who didn't read it will give you another chance, and to the ones who read it, you will enjoy further mindset change...

So if you think it may be helpful to you then read on...

It seems beyond obvious that we should spend time with our thoughts thinking about things, which make us happier... However, the fact that things are obvious is by no means enough of a reason for humans to do it. The mad and sad fact is, that virtually all people's thought processes predominantly involve thinking about things, which make them unhappier.

So why do you think it is that instead of focusing on things, which help their well being, they unconsciously choose to focus on things, which take them away from it?

Consider, do you focus predominantly on things, which hurt you rather than help you? It sounds like insanity when it's spelt out, and it is! It happens when we unconsciously let go of our thoughts and let an insane entity inside our minds decide on:

What we think about, and...

How we think about them...

Through our absence of thought (when we are in the waking sleep - meaning we are awake, but not present) we allow the voices in our mind to direct our thoughts towards things, which are unhelpful... And then we unconsciously (meaning it's not our fault as we are asleep) allow ourselves to create and cultivate feelings towards ourselves, which are destructive. If that isn't insane then I don't know what is... But then everyone does it, so it is considered normal.

The secret of how to be happy lies in understanding why we allow ourselves to be sad... These thoughts we allow in are seemingly minor when looked at in isolation... Some aren't obviously but some are minor destructive thoughts, which can lead to big, big problems. Things like, I can't do this, or I'm fat, or nobody likes me, or I don't fit in... These unconscious thoughts lead to big problems in massive numbers of people's lives. So maybe it is time for mindset change?

They are unconscious, because no conscious person would sabotage themselves with destructive thoughts, as that would be mad. These thoughts are the adverts or similar ones to the ones that are being aired inside our minds 24/7 by the entity, which is our ego.

So what is this ego thing?

Our egos are made up of all the experiences from our past; it has no knowledge of the future. And our / your ego's job is to keep you safe!

Now when you look at it like this you would be forgiven for thinking, 'Cool, my entire life experiences and its job is to keep me safe... This is OBVIOUSLY a good thing!' However, the ego is anything but good!

You see, the assumptions you made along the way were made with the help of this insane squatter in your mind. So basically any decisions and assumptions you made, thanks to its help, need to be fully re-evaluated with a clear and calm mind. There should your mindset change appear.

You may want to pause and consider those last few sentences again... It is a neurotic little dictator that does everything it can, plays every imaginable and unimaginable trick on you to keep you safe, which unfortunately means...

To keep you trapped in your past and afraid of the future. Doesn't sound so good now does it?

Well it gets worse, your past life experiences are not necessarily or even likely to be right! You see, the assumptions you made along the way were made with the help of this insane mindset change. 

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The Upside to Stress

There's no escaping everyday anxiety—so harness it.

The Stress Queen, as Martha Stewart once christened her, is having an incredibly volatile week, even by her standards.

Kathleen Hall, Ph.D., a former Wall Street trader turned stress-management and mindful-living maven, is in the editing stages of her latest book, Mindful Living Everyday (Oak Haven Press, 2014). She’s also juggling several other projects and running her companies amid a late-January Atlanta ice storm that paralyzes the city.

Among the thousands trapped by the storm, her assistant huddles in a car in a parking lot for 25 hours without food or adequate warm clothing (911 is overwhelmed and nonresponsive), her physician husband toils away at a local hospital that can’t get all the supplies it needs because of iced-over roads, and a physician daughter is waylaid by the storm on her way to the hospital to help care for the injured. To top it off, Hall falls on the ice while trying to render aid to her assistant, doing a number on her head and taking some skin off her face—which triggers post-traumatic stress syndrome symptoms from a 2009 accident.

Yet in our conversation, although she speaks quickly, her voice is calm and measured.

“It is insane here right now,” says the founder of The Stress Institute and the Mindful Living Network, and author of Alter Your Life: Overbooked? Overworked? Overwhelmed? (Oak Haven, 2005) and two other related books. “All you hear are emergency vehicles and helicopters, and nothing is moving.”

Hall manages days like this just as she has learned to handle any other.

“This is where we talk about perception of stress, and how it is managed,” she says. “Stress is information. It’s neutral, not bad or good. Too many people teach people to just get rid of it. There are so many layers of stress. I teach my people to be curious about it and not think about it as negative. Be curious. I put all of the things going on in a file in my mind, so I don’t get overwhelmed.”

She also has a more physical approach that mirrors her thought processes. “I keep a separate labeled bag in my office for each of my projects, my companies, the two books I’m working on, client projects. If someone calls about a topic, I reach for that bag and work from there. I’m never rifling through papers. I’m never stressed.”

Stressing the Essentials

According to the American Psychological Association’s 2013 “Stress in America” survey, stress keeps more than 40 percent of adults lying awake at night. The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (part of the Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) estimates that stress-related ailments cost companies about $200 billion a year in increased absenteeism, tardiness and the loss of talented workers. Between 70 and 90 percent of employee hospital visits are linked to stress, and job tension is directly tied to a lack of productivity and loss of competitive edge, the institute reports.

Stress is a natural human reaction, however. When we perceive a threat, the nervous system responds by releasing a flood of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones rouse the body for emergency action. The heart pounds faster, muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, breath quickens and senses become sharper. These physical changes increase strength and stamina, speed reaction time, and enhance focus—preparing us to either fight or flee from the danger at hand.

When she worked on Wall Street, Hall became fascinated with all the “guys buying Porsches, going through marriages, drinking themselves to death, plates of cocaine at night when we’d go out. I  saw what stress was doing to them.”

“Then I met Warren Buffett and some other illustrious people…. They were experiencing more stress than these jokers, but were disciplined, blissful, happy. [PBS journalist] Bill Moyers was in New York doing some work with healing and the mind at the time, and he said, ‘This is the future. The future of business, the future of medicine is finding out about this stress response and why some people are so affected by it and some aren’t.’”

Hall has spent years digging at the roots of stress, stress management and mindful living (defined as creating a clearer understanding of how thoughts and emotions can impact health, relationships and quality of life). She’s explored both the “spiritual model”—living with tribes of aboriginal people and studying with the Dalai Lama and Bishop Desmond Tutu—and “the medical model” as established by pioneers at Harvard, Duke and other universities.

Bottom line, stress can be a positive force, motivating a person to drop a golf shot at the lip of the cup or ace a job interview. But often—like when a freak ice storm turns the city of Atlanta upside down—it’s a negative force. Prolonged stress can become chronic unless steps are taken to eliminate the source or effectively manage it.

“Stress is beyond psychology or psychologists,” Hall says. “If we didn’t get ulcers or headaches or get a divorce or—I hate to say this—suffer, we wouldn’t change. It’s just the way humans are.”

Perception Is Critical

In June 2013, health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D., confessed to a TED Talk audience that she had changed her attitude toward stress. For the past decade she had spent “so much energy telling people stress is bad for your health, turning it into the enemy.” But today she says stress may be bad only if an individual perceives it to be, and she cites three studies backing this up (Keller, Litzelman, Wisk et al., 2012; Jamieson, Nock & Mendes, 2012; and Poulin, Brown, Dillard & Smith, 2013).

If someone views the body’s response to stress (faster breathing and heart rate) as being helpful in preparing for action or in coping with a stressor, that person is likely “to be less stressed- out, less anxious and more confident,” says McGonigal, a Stanford University lecturer and author ofThe Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It (Penguin, 2011).

But what McGonigal found most fascinating from the studies was how its participants’ physical stress responses changed. Instead of their blood vessels constricting when their heart rates went up (a cause of impaired cardiovascular health), as is the norm, the vessels of those who saw their body’s response as helpful stayed relaxed, instead reflecting a state that closely resembled joy and  courage.

“Over a lifetime of stressful experiences, this one biological change could be the difference between a stress-induced heart attack at age 50 and living well into your 90s. This is really what the new science of stress reveals, that how you think about stress matters. My goal as a health psychologist has changed; I no longer want to get rid of your stress—I want to make you better at stress.”

McGonigal urged her audience to view stress as a positive physiological mechanism that prepares your body to face a challenge, tackle an important problem, increase your resiliency or learn something new. Challenging yourself is laudable, but don’t be hypercritical, she says; failures are just failures if you see them as such, so learn from your mistakes and tell yourself they’ve made you better.

Another way to keep stress from hurting you is to recognize and change negative thinking—do not catastrophize a situation or jump to unfounded conclusions. And seek the support of family, friends and select colleagues to help you manage stress; McGonigal cited scientific research that concluded social support helps to release oxytocin, called the “cuddle hormone” because it promotes bonding between people. The hormone also has important physical characteristics, such as helping cells in the heart regenerate if they are damaged after stress.

Trauma Reconnects Life’s Work

If she ever had a doubt before, Hall’s 2009 brush with death and road to recovery sealed her belief in her life’s work. She was riding a career wave at the time, appearing regularly with Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Mehmet Oz, and about to launch a television network based on her Mindful Living philosophy. Coming from lunch with Steven Spielberg, she was crossing the street in Beverly Hills when a car going 60 mph hit her. She was resuscitated at Mount Sinai, but she had suffered a traumatic brain injury.

“It took me the first year just to be able to walk, think, regain my memory and everything else,” she says. “I put my companies on hold, like a sabbatical, and came back slowly. The books I’d written and what I’d taught before actually is what brought me back; they were like breadcrumbs that brought me back to myself.”

She still is working on the road back.

“I was hit so hard that I died instantly, meaning that I don’t have any memory of the accident, nothing,” Hall says. She still struggles with PTSD (one of her book projects is related to this subject) when “anything touches my head. Even getting in and out of a car can prompt hysterical crying, difficulty breathing—I’m shaking all over, and again into this really dark place. The good news is I know how to manage it.”

Hall acknowledges that she still encounters people within corporations who are initially skeptical about her stress-management philosophies and Mindful Living instruction.

“But we’ve got long-term studies that show that people who do mindfulness practices and live mindfully actually live longer, have better health outcomes, all kinds of stuff, less violence with kids,” she says. “I tell the corporate leaders that their work/life balance is bipolar, it’s dinosaur, it’s old thinking, and you can’t have a life and then have work, and then have work and then have life. If you’re mindful, it’s seamless—you’re mindful at home with your kids and your lover or your partner, and you’re mindful at work.” (She trademarked Mindful Living, and differentiates it from mindfulness, which she notes still has a Buddhist, almost spiritual connotation to it.)

“[Part of] Mindful Living is an action-reflection model,” Hall says. “It’s an ancient business model, spiritual model, [and taught by the] Wharton School of Business. They don’t call it that, but that’s what Mindful Living is, that you do an action then you come back and reflect on it mindfully. Being mindful is about waking up, about awareness, and the facts are that whether you’re a manager or a mother, people who go to the top of the heap usually are the most aware.”

Her clients also include aspiring entrepreneurs, such as one who “looks at people who are successful, who have a track record, with this sad debilitating longing of, I’m not like you. I could never be like that. I’m exactly the opposite. I look at them and go, ‘Are you kidding? Hey, let’s have a cup of coffee. I love you. Come on, let’s go.’ ”

Navigating Through Stress Soup

Hall administers the ACE exercise , which businesspeople find workable and helpful, she says.

What Hall still finds “absolutely incredible” is that 90 percent of the people who participate in the exercise postpone doing the things that will have a positive effect. “What they say is, ‘I’ve been good, worked 80 hours this week, so I get to play golf.’ It’s an amazing, punitive society that we live in, where you have to ‘be good’ or ‘finish your list’ before you practice joy or what you love.”

Hall can even put her recent fall on the ice, which triggered her post-traumatic stress, in a healthy perspective. “I  texted friends right away, and one brought me over soup,” she says. “When I needed my husband, he came home, and we just sat there and turned on some brainless television.

“It’s kind of like getting a flu virus, but what I’ve told my publisher is I’m glad it happened, because I was writing about my PTSD experience more academically in my books, and now since I experienced it again, I’m back with those coming home from Iraq and Afghanistan, NFL football players suffering from the effects of concussions, many of whom are young and trying to start their own companies.”

The linchpin to working through multiple layers of stress is to identify the stressor, within or without, and work it. The process creates new energy, Hall says, and allows us to say, “Wow, this is really cool. My life is changing because I’m not pushing these issues away; I’m trying to learn about it through people and through myself.”

http://www.success.com/article/the-upside-to-stress