5 Phrases That Can Kill a Relationship

Any relationship can benefit from more closeness. Closeness is created between two people through knowing each other well and caring for each other openly. These are simple actions you can start doing any time, with anyone you choose. Closeness—the antidote to loneliness—is very much within your control.

One of the first things I encourage my clients to do to create more closeness in their relationships is to adjust their language in small but powerful ways.

Here are 5 phrases to avoid if you want your relationships to feel closer:

1. “Why?”

A first phrase to avoid is just one single word: “Why” isn’t the best way to pose a question to someone you want to be close to because it can unintentionally create defensiveness. “Why” is the language of accusation (“Why did you do that?”; “Why do you feel that way?”). Despite what may be innocent intentions, that single word primes another person to think of reasons to defend himself or herself.

To feel the subversive power of “why,” the next time you sit down to a nice dinner or to watch a movie, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Feel the anxiety it provokes? That’s the same anxiety most “why” questions provoke in others—and it’s an experience that will not bring you closer to someone

Alternative: Rephrase your “why” questions as “what” or “how” questions. “Why am I doing this?” becomes “What am I getting out of this?” Feel the difference? The first version accuses; the second just wants to understand.

2. “You need to…”

“You” is a tricky word in the closeness vocabulary. It can certainly bring people together (“You are so sweet”) but when it slides into telling your partner what he or she needs to be doing differently, it can definitely cause division.

The key phrases to pay attention to are the ones that begin with, “You need to…” (“You need to be more assertive"; “You need to be more organized”). These have the potential to hinder closeness because they imply that your partner should change in some specific way, based on your opinions. When creating closeness, it’s best not to present your opinions as mandates. “You need to” creates a mandate that will drive a wedge between people.

Alternative: Try focusing on your own experience of the situation. For example, “You need to be more assertive” might become, “I would like us to make more decisions together.” “You need to be more organized” might become, “I wonder if we can work on straightening out the closets.” Sharing your perspective on the situation fosters closeness and prevents gaps from forming.

3. “I’m sorry if…”

Almost everyone finds it hard to admit when they’ve done something wrong. But as we all make mistakes in our lives, apologizing is essential to maintaining closeness over a long period of time. One of the biggest mistakes people make here is starting an apology with, “I’m sorry if…” (“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings”; “I’m sorry if you felt that way”).

These are not apologies that create closeness because closeness is bolstered by taking at least some responsibility when you’ve done something wrong. Using “if” in your apology allows you to dodge responsibility by putting it back on the other person. “I’m sorry if you felt that way.” See that big “you” there?

Alternative: Apologizing well is about being committed to taking some responsibility. “I’m sorry I…” and “I’m sorry for…” work infinitely better than “I’m sorry if…” A simple “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is the type of apology that brings people closer together.

4. “Why don’t you just…”

You know this phrase is trouble because it starts with a “why”—but it gets its own spot in the Top 5 because this and its other versions (“You could just…”; “You should just…”) shut down conversation when your partner needs it most—when he or she is struggling.

Giving your partner advice or offering up solutions to problems is great—when he or she asks for it. But when he or she simply wants to tell you about one of their struggles, inserting a “why don’t you just…” implies that the struggle is not valid. From your point of view it seems that it could easily be solved if they just did x, y, or z. This creates distance because, although it may not have been your intention, you just invalidated their experience.

Alternative: When your partner is struggling with something, your main task is to be present and engaged. That stance in its very simplicity creates the most closeness. And when he or she is ready to do something differently, then offer to help brainstorm solutions. Collaboration is advice, closeness-style.

5. “Not right now.”

Most of us lead busy lives and it’s not always possible to drop what you’re doing and listen to your husband’s work story, or take your mother’s call. Nevertheless, being engaged with those you want to be close to on a consistent basis is extremely important and the phrase “not right now” without any follow-up fosters a feeling of rejection.

Alternative: If you’re engrossed in something at the moment your partner wants to engage, try replacing “not right now” with a request for a specific amount of time. “I just need 20 minutes on this and then I’d love to listen,” elicits a totally different feeling from “not right now.”

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201501/5-phrases-can-kill-relationship

Want To Fall In Love? Do These 3 Things

      

Connection. It's something we as humans crave. And for good reason: research tells us that people who have high-quality, long-term relationships enjoy better emotional well-being, physical health and longer lives.

But, in today's age of constant distractions, how can you make the most of the time you are actually spending with others to forge even deeper, more substantive connections?

A fascinating study by Arthur Aron and colleagues provides us with a scientifically tested way to achieve this goal of building intimacy with others. And in this particular study, connections were deepened in a mere 45 minutes!

The study paired strangers and gave them a list of 36 questions that they were all to take turns answering. The questions were designed to increase steadily in terms of the degree of personal disclosure they required from study participants. So they ranged from: "Who would you want as an ideal dinner guest?" to "Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it."

Researchers found that after going through this 45-minute exercise, the study participants reported feeling significantly closer to their partners. In fact, they rated their relationship to their partners to be about as close as the average relationship in their lives (which is pretty amazing, considering they were strangers less than an hour prior). This effect held true even if the participants disagreed about issues that were of great importance in their lives.

Interestingly, in a recent New York Times piece, one woman who went through the exercise declared that this process resulted in an eventual romantic relationship between her and her partner. The study researchers also reported that in certain cases, marriages had resulted from the exercise.

Now, unless you want to pull out a list of 36 questions wherever you go, you're probably wondering how can you apply these findings to your own life. Although memorizing a few might not be such a bad idea for conversation starters, here are a few tips to build deep (and quick) connections, all based on scientifically proven wisdom!

1. Share personal information.

The researchers found that just spending time together engaging in small talk did not increase a sense of closeness. Instead, the most important factor in this experiment was that people were willing to disclose personal information about themselves. (Research has also shown that the simple act of sharing an important life secret with someone else increases your naturally occurring levels of oxytocin (the bonding hormone). So, if you want to enjoy deeper relationships, be willing to make yourself a bit vulnerable.

2. Emphasize reciprocity.

To build a connection, both or all parties involved must take part. Have you ever watched a dating show in which the guy spent the whole time dominating the conversation talking about himself? And furthermore, are you at all surprised when during the debrief of the date, his date declares that she didn't enjoy the experience? If you enjoy talking about yourself, realize that while the other person may be learning a whole lot about you, they may not be feeling a deep connection with you. There needs to be conversational give-and-take for this to work.

3. If you're an introvert, set the intention of building closeness.

In the study, when extroverts were paired with one another, they became closer. However, when introverts were paired, they only reported a closer relationship when they were explicitly instructed to use the task to get closer to their partner. Because introverts can sometimes feel uncomfortable when interacting with strangers, the authors argued that the explicit instruction for them to work on getting closer may have calmed them somewhat. With the comfort of structure, they were enabled them to better enjoy talking about deep subjects (as opposed to small talk). Also, because some introverts tend to be more private, the intention of building closeness may have encouraged them to open up more than they would have done otherwise.

So what's the not-so-shocking bottom line? We connect with others when we are willing to share aspects of ourselves, demonstrate vulnerability, and listen attentively to others' experiences. Experiment with these tips and see how your relationships flourish!

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17098/want-to-fall-in-love-do-these-3-things.html