Is There a Passive-Agressive Person in Your Life?

At best, their behavior is dishonest. At worst, it's abusive. But you may not have even noticed it. That's because a passive-aggressive person can be so subtle you may not realize their supposed joke was really a hostile remark. Or their procrastination at getting something you need done is really their way of making you suffer. Or countless other covert behaviors.

When an abusive person hits you, you know you need to make sure it doesn't happen again. Likewise, when a passive-aggressive (P-A) person pretends to behave lovingly toward you, but really causes you psychological pain, you need to make a change. And you can only change the way you behave, not the P-A. But before you can make a change, you need to identify the P-A.

Conflict Avoidance. It's hard to spot a person who is always nice and gets along as someone with a problem. In the case of passive-aggressives, they find conflict of any kind so difficult that they avoid it at great cost to themselves and others. They are unable to express anger in a healthy way, so it foments. This may contribute to their low self-esteem, which, when combined with aggressive, domineering behavior, is a toxic mix. This toxicity builds up each time they say "yes" when they should have said "no." Then their self-loathing and their resentment towards others increase. It's a downward spiral.

Inability to Say No. This is the same side of the coin as conflict avoidance. A passive-aggressive person cannot say no to anyone or anything. He needs acceptance but when he capitulates it feeds his lack of self-esteem, which makes him feel worse. Still, he will tell you, Yes, he'll be on the committee, and then he won't show up for meetings. Or Yes, he'll work on the project, but then he won't have any work done on it when you need it. And when you ask him about it, he'll be vague. Ambiguity is another hallmark of a P-A.

Propensity to Procrastinate. A P-A will find it hard to meet any deadline, even those he sets for himself. He'll procrastinate and procrastinate until it's impossible to meet any goal. In this way he sabotages the effort he's involved in until you do it yourself. Or you decide to never ask him again because it's easier to do yourself. And he gets out of performing any future tasks, which has been his secret goal all along.

The root causes of passive-aggressiveness are varied and complex. When you have to deal with a P-A it's hard to know why the person is the way he is, let alone what to do about it. Next week we'll talk about strategies for handling the P-A in your life.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Is-There-a-Passive-Agressive-Person-in-Your-Life?&id=8671466

7 Signs of People With Integrity

Examples are all around us; all we need to do is look.

“Integrity” is a word you hear almost every day, but it’s not a word that people spend a lot of time thinking about. If you try to define it, what would you say? According to the dictionary, integrity is "firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values." Put another way, the root of integrity is about doing the right thing even when it’s not acknowledged by others, or convenient for you. An individual with integrity is the antidote to self-interest. There are countless examples of integrity in everyday life—and yet we seldom see some of the examples highlighted below acted out in our daily lives:

1. Parents apologizing to their kids for over-punishing or yelling at them.

Like animals, small children make easy targets. They’re physically vulnerable by size and stature, and they’re emotionally vulnerable because they don’t yet have the cognitive capacity to understand the complexities of life. When parents feel overwhelmed, it often follows that they snap at their children or issue a too-harsh punishment. As a parent myself, I known how hard it can be, but at the same time, I also know that delivering an apology to your child when you’ve gone too far is something he or she deserves—and that it's an absolute sign of integrity. Parents should set aside their pride and learn to apologize more frequently.

2. Bosses highlighting their staffs’ accomplishments and downplaying their own.

As a practicing psychologist, I hear some pretty extreme stories in my office. Based on these tales, the percentage of managers or bosses who are narcissistic, sadistic, or even sociopathic appears to be off the charts. Wherever you have power, you’ll find someone nearby who’s gunning for it. Yet the boss with integrity is a boss not because she or he wants to have power over others, but because of being a natural leader who is good at keeping things organized and who handles challenging situations with dexterity. Simply put, bosses with integrity have no need for power because they know they're good at what they do, and they also have insight into the fact that they get better financial compensation than other workers. The good boss makes a constant effort to appreciate a staff’s contribution and to give them credit for a job well done. Sadly, you rarely see this kind of healthy, appropriate behavior in the workplace. We desperately need more integrity from bosses far and wide.

3. Romantic partners who boycott name-calling or other vicious behaviors.

Let’s admit it: There are infinite ways you can treat a romantic partner badly. Every day, in couples old and new, wealthy and poor, men and women get nasty with each other. At the most distorted end of the spectrum are the physical and sexual abusers; at the other end are the name-callers and angry, passive-aggressive types. (Infidelity is a complex issue appropriate for separate analysis.) No psychological study will ever reveal the percentage of relationships that include nasty, below-the-belt behavior. Yet there are couples out there who fight but not never unfairly, who argue but stop short of calling each other names. Those couples, which may have problems with each other but still manage to show a level of humanity and kindness, are composed of romantic partners who show integrity in everyday life. May we all watch and learn from them.

4. Drivers who (almost) never use the horn or drive aggressively.

We all have to share the roads, no matter how annoying that reality might be. How you drive says a lot about you—how you treat people you don’t know; how you handle anger; and the extent to which you suffer from entitlement. Perhaps you’d like to believe that someone who drives slowly or non-aggressively is simply less busy than you, but driving in a cooperative manner that is mindful of your fellow commuters is actually a sign of integrity. Let’s all try to practice it more when we’re behind the wheel.

5. People in positions of power apologizing for keeping their captive audience waiting.

When someone feels important because they have more power than the majority of people around them, they often take themselves pretty seriously—and don't think about the feelings of others. I'm talking about company higher-ups who don't make a conscious effort to apologize to job interviewees for long waits—either on the day of an interview, or during the long lapses between interviewing and hearing back about whether a candidate got the job. I could just as easily be referring to physicians who keep a waiting room full of people waiting well past their agreed-upon appointment times. Every day people in positions of power, savoring their power, don't acknowledge how they infringe upon the time and demands of those who depend on them. When was the last time that a physician came into the examination room and acknowledged how long you'd been made to wait? I've never heard a doctor say, “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting,” or, “Thanks for waiting; I'm sure you’re probably busy.” In situations where there is a major power imbalance, make no mistake: The one with power who apologizes to the one with less power is showing bona fide integrity. 

6. Anyone giving another person the benefit of the doubt when the circumstances are unclear.

Modern life is more taxing and fast-paced than ever, and we suffer from stress on an ongoing basis. When we’re stressed, we're more likely to get defensive and blame others. But if each of us could learn to give people the benefit of the doubt across the board—whether it’s in an argument, about a job not completed, or in response to feedback that suggests that someone’s spoken badly about you—we would have less stress in our daily lives. One of the noblest behaviors you can engage in is to give someone the benefit of the doubt before rushing to judgment or negatively filling in the blanks yourself.

7. Volunteers.

As a society, we don't volunteer hardly enough. Yet a handful of men and women make volunteering a built-in part of their weekly life, whether at a church, food pantry, animal shelter, or other non-profit operation. It shows a certain level of integrity to volunteer for a one-day stint here or there, but the steadier integrity is shown by those who commit to ongoing volunteer positions that require a real sacrifice of time. Cheers to all the parents who coach their children's sports teams, but even louder applause to those volunteers who provide a service to their larger community or to underprivileged strangers.

The good news about integrity is that we're not born with it—or without it—which means that it's a behavior-based virtue we can cultivate over time. We can set a goal to show more integrity in everyday life and we can reach that goal by practicing the behaviors above, as well as countless others which too often go unnoticed.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201504/7-signs-people-integrity?

How to Spot and Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

 8 keys to surviving passive-aggressives at home and at work.

Behind the smile, a hidden knife!―Ancient Chinese proverb describing passive-aggressive behavior.

The NYU Medical Centre defines a passive-aggressive individual as someone who "may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists." Passive- aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not getting together, to the very serious, such as sabotaging someone’s well-being and success.

Most chronically passive-aggressive individuals have four common characteristics:

1. They’re unreasonable to deal with.
2. They’re uncomfortable to experience.
3. They rarely express their hostility directly.
4. They repeat their subterfuge behavior over time.

Passive aggressiveness may be directed towards a person or a group. The root causes are complex and deep-seated. Whatever the reasons that may drive an individual to be passive-aggressive, it’s not easy to be on the receiving end of such veiled hostilities. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are 8 keys to handling passive-aggressive people. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest:

1. Don’t Overreact. Reduce Personalization and Misunderstanding.

When you experience possible passive-aggressive behavior from someone for the first time, avoid jumping to a negative conclusion. Instead, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think my colleague didn’t return my email because she’s ignoring my suggestion, or I can consider the possibility that she’s taking some time to decide. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.  

On the other hand, if the individual has clearly shown a pattern of passive-aggressiveness, employ any combination of the following action steps as appropriate:

2. Keep Your Distance Whenever Possible.

In some ways, passive-aggressives are more difficult to deal with than those who are openly hostile. An openly aggressive person is direct in words and action, which makes him or her more predictable. A passive-aggressive, on the other hand, hides a knife behind a smile. He or she operates on a hidden script, and you never know when you might be disenfranchised by his or her covert machinations. When confronted, the passive-aggressive will almost always deny responsibility. For these reasons, when you need to deal with someone who’s chronically passive-aggressive, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this article as you see fit. The rest of the time, keep a healthy distance.

3. Don’t Try to Change Them.

Some people try to change chronically passive-aggressive individuals through time-consuming dialogue about their behavior. Such efforts are admirable, but often end in frustration and disappointment. As mentioned earlier, reasons for passive aggressiveness are complex and deep-seated. A passive-aggressive person changes only when he or she matures and becomes more self-aware. It’s not your job to change the person. The best way to deal with passive-aggressives is to focus not on changing their attitude and behavior, but rather solidly taking charge of your own.

4. Don’t Get Sucked In. Avoid Tit for Tat.

It’s understandable to be upset when you’re on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. There may be an urge to "strike back" overtly by arguing and using pointed language, or worse yet, by becoming passive-aggressive yourself. Neither approach is helpful, as the passive-aggressive will likely respond to your overt accusations with denial and claims of victimhood, and to any passive-aggressiveness on your part with even more covert hostility.  All the while, you’re suffering because you have allowed this instigator to take away your equanimity. Don’t give someone the power to turn you into the type of person you don’t like to be.  

5. In Relatively Mild Situations, Display Superior Composure Through Appropriate Humor.

Humour is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck-up. One day a colleague of mine said, “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn't feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped, “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.

When appropriately used, humour can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. (In my reference guide "How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People, " I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.)

6. In Serious Situations, Pro-actively Deal with the Problem Early On and Formalize Your Communication.

With passive-aggressives with whom you need to interact on a regular basis, it’s important to put a stop to any serious, potentially damaging patterns early on. Tolerating passive aggression will only encourage the negative behavior to continue and intensify.

Let yourself, not the passive-aggressive, be the one who sets the tone of the relationship. Whenever possible, formalize your daily communication with the passive-aggressive by either putting things in writing, or having a third party present as witness. Keep a paper trail of facts, issues, agreements, disagreements, timelines, and deadlines.

When a passive-aggressive incident occurs, whether it’s unfulfilled responsibility or inappropriate joking, have one or more witnesses present when you bring up the issue. At work, a witness can be someone who’s physically present, or an appropriate individual(s) to whom you’re copying your written correspondence. Ask the passive-aggressive person probing or clarifying questions to gather information and fact-check. Review previous communications and documentation to substantiate your position. Avoid making accusations and statements that begin with you, which are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with I, it, we, let’s, and this, followed by facts. For example:

• Ineffective communication: "You didn’t meet the deadline."
• Effective communication: "I noticed that the deadline wasn’t met."
• Ineffective communication: "Your joking is really offensive."
• Effective communication: "I don’t feel comfortable with your joking. It’s offensive to me."

Again, document everything; fact-check; and establish your credibility with your command of evidence regarding the issue.

7. Give the Passive-Aggressive a Chance to Help Solve the Problem, If Appropriate.

Many passive-aggressive individuals behave as they do because they don’t believe they have a voice, or think that they’re not being listened to. When appropriate, include the person in discussions on challenges and solutions. Solicit their input. Ask, for example, "Given the desired outcome, how would you handle this issue?" See if they come up with any constructive solutions. On the other hand, if what you hear are mostly complaints and criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Simply say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, and get on with what you need to get done.

8. Set Consequences to Lower Resistance and Compel Cooperation.

Since passive-aggressive individuals operate covertly, they will almost always put up resistance when confronted on their behavior. Denial, excuse making, and finger pointing are just a few of the likely retorts. Regardless of what they say, declare what you're willing to do going forward. Importantly, offer one or more strong consequences to compel the passive-aggressive to reconsider his or her behavior.

The ability to identify and assert consequence is one of the most powerful skills we can use to "stand down" a passive-aggressive person. Effectively articulated, consequences give pause to the difficult individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation. (In my reference guide “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People."consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.)

Although passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with, there are many effective skills and strategies you can employ to minimize their damage and gain their cooperation, while increasing your own confidence, composure, and problem-solving prowess. It’s one important aspect of leadership success.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201401/how-spot-and-deal-passive-aggressive-people