Honour Your NO! (By Maggie Slider)

I'm discovering more and more just how much we... especially women, give our power away.

No matter what relationship we are talking about, be it parent-child, husband-wife, teacher-student, even owner-dog, it all starts with power and control. We feel the need to be in control of our lives, and to stand in our power, when in fact we are "not" in control of our lives and we constantly give our power away. My clients lately are confirming this is an epidemic for lack of better words. As I said especially women... let me just clarify, it's men too. The only thing we are in control of is 'ourself'... nothing more - nothing less. How we respond to others and to situations that cross our paths is what we are in control of. What happens, how it happens, other people, these are things we cannot control. Only 10% of what happens is actually the situation or event, the other 90% is our reaction or response. It's how we deal with it, what our emotions are about it and how we see it. If we have an impulse or knee jerk reaction we are not in control and we are giving our power to the person or situation. Learning to breathe, count to 10, possibly walk away, take time to think about how to respond, is being in control and standing in your power. We allow or emotions to get the better of us, we feel vulnerable and come from a place of guilt or shame which is actually us trying to protect ourselves.

We have to meet others where they are simply because we cannot control them or how they will behave, we can only control our response to them. Many of my clients tell me that their spouses or exes are Narcissists... well let me tell you you will never win with a narcissist because they don't see things in a logical, rational way. They take no accountability and are never responsible for their shortfalls as they play the victim and always blame others. It's always going to be your fault. They take your power away piece by piece and we allow it. We feel the need to justify our actions, why we do what we do or did what we did, so that others will understand our side of the story. Let me say this... You do not need to justify anything when you know your own truth, have control of yourself and are standing in your own power. Seriously... honour your NO, by saying NO without the need to give an explanation! You do not need to look for acceptance or approval and you do not need to apologize for standing in your power and honouring your NO. We are afraid of what others will think if we say NO! What if they call you a bitch, what if they talk badly behind your back and start rumours about you? What if they do? That is on them, only hurt people, hurt people and only people who are hurting, get hurt. Being assertive, is not being a bitch and it's not being a complainer, it's having boundaries and standing in your power! Honour your no without apology!

If you are sick and tired of giving away your power and feeling guilt about saying NO its time to change that. Being assertive is a strength, a boundary and necessary for your health. What is it costing you in terms of your health, stress level, energy and self esteem? Is it time for change? I can help you

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Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist

Healing from a relationship with a narcissist is a learned process. Learn it now!

Many of us have been there.

You met the person of your dreams - charming, intelligent, romantic, attentive, incredible chemistry and great lover. You might have been told how wonderful you are, how this was the first time your lover had ever felt this way and had this level of connection, and you felt truly seen for the first time.

Perhaps there was a nagging unease that all this was happening too fast - that he or she couldn't possibly feel this way about you without knowing you better. But you were swept off your feet and finally decided to open your heart.

The confusion may have started then, as your lover pulled away and become critical. Or, it might have started after you married, and you found yourself with a partner totally different than the person you fell in love with.

Whether your relationship was two months or two years or two decades, it was likely tumultuous, confusing and painful. And if you were married and then divorced, it might have been more painful or even frightening.

There is much healing for you to do if you were in love with a narcissist.

The Process of Healing From Your Narcissistic Partner

1) First you need to be very compassionate with yourself and let yourself grieve for the huge loss of what you had hoped for. It might seem easier to judge yourself for the big mistakes you believe you made, but self-judgment will keep you stuck. There is no possibility of healing when you judge yourself.

Each time the grief comes up, embrace it with kindness and caring toward yourself. Even though you know it's better to have ended this relationship, it's hard to let go of the intensity of a relationship with a narcissist. It's hard to imagine a future relationship that isn't boring compared to the intensity you've been experiencing.

2) Once some of the grief has subsided, then it's time to go inward and explore why you were vulnerable to this person. Was your partner giving you what you were not giving to yourself? Was your partner seeing you and valuing you in the way you need to be seeing and valuing yourself? Did you ignore some red flags because you so wanted it all to be true?

Did you make excuses for your partner to avoid facing the truth? Did you give yourself up to try to have control over getting your partner to be loving to you again? What did you sacrifice to keep the relationship - your integrity, your financial security, your time with family and/or friends, your time for yourself, your inner knowing?

It's vitally important to be honest with yourself so that you don't end up feeling like a victim, and so that you have less of a chance of repeating this in a future relationship.

During this time of self-reflection, it's very important to get support. You might want to join a 12-Step CODA group, go into therapy/facilitation, and/or join a support group.

3) Educate yourself about narcissism. There are numerous books, websites and articles devoted to understanding narcissism. Since I'm certain that you don't want to repeat this, you need to do all you can to learn about what happened. You need to become sensitive to the numerous red flags so that you can pick them up very early in a subsequent relationship.

One of my clients shared that she had met a man six years ago, dated him a few times, and then they remained distant friends. Recently, when she was in his town, they saw each other and she was very attracted to him. He came on strong, inviting her to join him on an upcoming European vacation. She felt uneasy, but a day later texted him to see if he wanted to have dinner with her. He never responded to the invitation. It took her only 24 hours to recognize these two red flags of narcissism - coming on strong and then disappearing. She was pleased that she found this out so soon! Instead of beating herself up for being attracted to another narcissist, she congratulated herself for staying open to the truth.

Since narcissists are often very attractive, any of us can become attracted. But whether or not we will pursue it depends on how much Inner Bonding work we have done.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-From-A-Relationship-With-A-Narcissist&id=9396212