Guilty Of Using The Four Most Dangerous Words?

The average person has a vocabulary of around 1200 words but unfortunately four of them when shared with others, can have a short term and/or lasting negative impact on relationships. What are they?

You - should ______!

You - Need to _____!

I will - Never ______!

I will - Always ______!

So why are these relationship busters?

You - should;

This was one of my least favorite words to hear from friends, parents, former bosses, a former spouse etc. is - you should. Is it me or do you have an issue with this command as well? Why do I call it a command? Well, that's what it is when someone says you should - lose weight, work harder, start or stop something, drive faster or slower - folks I could go on with this stuff for pages so let me ask you - what's your least favorite - you should statement to hear from anyone?

Why do some people feel they can have control over us, boss us around, intimidate us or just tell us what to do or not do on a whim? There are many reasons but here are just a few of the common ones.

They think they are; smarter than us, are better than us, more experienced than us, know better than we do, always right, they are control freaks. They are insecure but unwilling to admit it. Got any you want to add?

You - Need to;

You need to is a very close cousin to - you should - the only difference is that it implies that it is our responsibility to do - whatever - whether we feel or believe it is our responsibility. The other person's view is that they shouldn't have to keep reminding is that we need to, we just need to put it into our DNA as a permanent part of who we are according to their rules or expectations. Again, I could go on for pages about what other's think we need to do - for them, with them, at them etc. In the end, I am not responsible for you - your opinions, views, prejudices, beliefs, actions, attitudes etc. These are yours not mine. Regardless of how right or wrong they may be, you think they are or are different from mine in the end, I was not put on this earth for your approval. I was not put here as your servant. If I want to do something - anything - wash your car, take out the garbage, get a report done by the end of the day, call you or email you back - I'll do it because I want to not because one of your stupid rules applies to me. Get it - you are not in charge of me - I am. And I am not in charge of you - you are.

I will - never;

Ever heard It? I will never do that or say that again. I will never ____ - whatever! Ever said it? I know I have and when I realized that I had, I knew that one day I would regret saying it. What does "I will never" mean and should we take other's seriously when they say it? Should other's take us seriously? I don't know about you - but words do matter but unfortunately many people either take them far too seriously or not at all seriously. Never means - never like - really never and can anyone ever really say this with certainty or a guarantee that they will never break the "I will never" code? I doubt it. So why do people say it? To manipulate? To control? To look good in the eyes of others? Yes, Yes and yes and yes to any other reason you can come up with. The word is a sham in my opinion and should be eliminated from the dictionary.

I will - always;

I could just repeat all of the above paragraph and make life easier for both of us but let me add just a couple of items so I at least come across as a little professional. Always - at all times; on all occasions, every time, each time, at all times, all the time, without fail, consistently, invariably, regularly, habitually, unfailingly. Had enough? I know I have. Who can possibly say this knowing that we have little or no control over the future? Again, the word is a sham in my opinion and should be eliminated from the dictionary.

Guilty of using any of the above? Have someone in your life or career who uses any of them on you?

http://ezinearticles.com/?Guilty-Of-Using-The-Four-Most-Dangerous-Words?&id=9718809

Letting Them Off The Hook

Do your relationships resemble a stormy weather forecast? The chief cause of this is an expectation of behavior that is beyond what another person performs on. The reasons range from the simple things like picking up socks to the most emotional like not spending enough time together, being excluded from important choices or simply feeling left out and unloved. All of these are about behavior that was expected but not lived up to. People are on the hook for failing to deliver.

Who is at fault; the one with high expectations or the one who does not live up to them? This is the great debate that occurs in marriage and group counseling. There is a deficit here and it must be assigned to a column, yours or theirs. The great debate continues as we make our case and demand things change. Many times, they never do, and never will.

In our effort to understand the behavior of a loved one or friend we list all the reasons we are right and they are wrong. The person making the list rarely understands why there is a debate. They are right. When it is presented to the offender as 'evidence' the response is never satisfying. The most typical response is simply, 'I don't know.' 'I don't understand' is more accurate. Both are frustrating. Does this mean they simply don't care enough to change their behavior?

If you carefully consider the facts and determine that there really is a lack of emotional commitment the solution is easy and obvious; walk away. That is not usually the cause, thankfully. The person who responds by saying they don't know may really not know. They don't have a good understanding of the reason either. They also don't understand why things that seem trivial to them are important to you. You can ponder this, quarrel about it and maybe even survive a succession of separations in your quest to make them a better person. If you are seeking applause for your efforts it is likely to be an exercise in futility as is every effort that depends on other people's approval.

You can settle this in a different way by choosing to understand that what you are getting is as much as they are capable of giving. People are not all the same. Life experiences and exposure to events lend a great deal to our perception of life normal, including in relationships. For them what they give is sufficient, for you it will always be deficient. You can end this battle easily by simply accepting that they are incapable of delivering more and let them off the hook for the expected behavior that is not a part of whom they really are.

For real peace of mind make a list of every person who leaves you angry and feeling letdown and let them all off the hook. The only thing that changes is your level of expectations; peace of mind is the payoff!

http://ezinearticles.com/search/?q=Letting+Them+Off+The+Hook

7 Power Packed Ways to Become a More Charming Person

If you have charm everybody listens to you and gives you more opportunities. This articles shows you how to be more charming and put it into practice in all your relationships.

I will explain further:

Don't say anything that attacks or lowers the self-esteem of others.

Do not criticize, complain or condemn. It's the opposite of charming and makes the conversation negative and unpleasant. Practice your charm and resolve to be cheerful no matter what is going on in your private life.

If you have something negative on your mind keep it to yourself Never talk about your problems in business and social settings.

2. Use your charm and be agreeable.

When someone says something you don't agree with it is charming to be completely neutral and keep it to yourself. Refuse to argue or suggest the other person is wrong.

Even if the other person is wrong, let it pass. The more charming and agreeable you are with other people, the more they like you.

3. Practice acceptance.

This trait satisfies a deep subconscious need of other people. I am talking about the need to be accepted by other people.

You express lack of acceptance of another person by ignoring or criticizing them. It is charming to smile at another person. This is the best way to practice acceptance.

4. Express gratitude on every occasion.

Do this by saying thank you. The more grateful you are towards others, the better they feel about themselves and you.

5. Express admiration whenever possible.

It is charming to admire people for their traits, possessions and accomplishments.

6. Give approval and praise.

Giving praise shows charm and positively influences the behavior of people.

7. Pay attention

Charming people listen closely to other people when they speak. Here's how to listen properly:

A. Listen attentively without interrupting.

B. Pause before replying. Carefully consider what the other person has said.

C. Ask the following questions for clarification. The person who asks questions has control.

• What sort of work do you do?
• How did you get into that field?
• And then what did you do?
• And then what did you say?

Instead of trying to impress, be impressed. Instead of trying to make friend, be a friend.

To conclude: Any psychologist will tell you that the self-esteem is the foundation of personality. Therefore, the number one way to become more charming is to work on the person's self-esteem. The way in which other people behave toward us is a key ingredient for a healthy emotional environment. Making the other person feel more important is the key to becoming more charming.

http://ezinearticles.com/?7-Power-Packed-Ways-to-Become-a-More-Charming-Person&id=6784044

Have You Put Your Oxygen Mask On?

 
Would I be right in thinking that when you were growing up, you were told that putting yourself first is selfish? Me too!

So you learnt to do as you were told, in order to get approval - the idea of disapproval when you were a young child, especially from your parents or primary carers, would have been unbearable. So you towed the line. This, then, may well have become a belief which you have been operating from since that time.

The effect of this may be far-reaching. Ask yourself the following question:

If this is true, how is this impacting on my relationships, both business and personal, right now?

For example, when discussing fees with clients, if you have this belief that you can't put yourself (your business) first, you're much more likely to offer discounts, do extra work for free or under-charge in the first place. It's not necessarily what you would like to do; it's unconsciously what you believe you must do either to acquire or keep the client and in return, you receive approval.

So you see, there is a pay-off, even though it's not monetary!

You may never have thought of this in this particular way. Time, me thinks, for a quick review.

Consider the following. If you've ever been on a plane, which I imagine you have, you will have no doubt listened to the safety instructions given by one or more of the flight attendants.

You will surely remember the bit where they run through what will happen if the pressure drops - i.e. an oxygen mask will drop down. They make it very clear that if you have children, you should put your own oxygen mask on first so that you can then take care of your children properly. If you don't put yours on first, you may not be in a position to look after them.

Let's apply the above principle to your business. If you don't pay attention to it first, and make sure you charge effectively, you won't have a business and therefore won't be able to help your clients!

So here's a simple, three-step process you can adopt right now to help you consider your needs:

1) Stop and make a conscious decision before acting.

2) Ask yourself: do I need to put my oxygen mask on?

3) Take the appropriate action.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Have-You-Put-Your-Oxygen-Mask-On?&id=9382553

The World Is a Stage

Occasionally I watch various TV shows where people display their talents. Inside each person was a level of nervousness. Sadly, I felt that some were judged by the way they looked before they even displayed their talent. Not every show displayed this, but there were some.

It is sad that some of those who went on stage were being judged by their age, nationality, the clothes they wore or the size they were. My heart sank! Now that person on stage had to knock down all of the preconceived notions that everyone had placed on them. Our society needs to teach each generation that it is NOT okay to judge anyone! There are a lot of people who do not judge others as well. I am a person who believes that actions speak so much louder than words. The point to this article is to somehow help those who struggle to fit in and for those who spend most of their time alone rather than to be judged by a somewhat cruel world. Being judged happens daily in life! Often times in our school and work environment.

How disheartening to think that a young lady with the voice of an angel might be tossed aside because of her size. The young man who practiced his musical instrument tirelessly might be tossed aside because he walked on stage with a limp. The teenagers might be tossed aside because of their attire and braces. And the judgments go on...

Each one of those children, our children, society's children, is struggling. They struggle to belong, to fit in and to be accepted. As if whatever they have going on in their life might not be hard enough, they now have an added burden of seeking your approval of them based on the way they look. How selfish!

As a society we worry about things such as suicide, drinking, and drugs. Did some give up on trying to fit in? Were the judgments too harsh?

Imagine for a moment, the quietness and peacefulness as the person is onstage. Imagine accepting that person the way they are. They are perfect the way they are! You sit in love, not judgement, with no expectations. Make that person feel that love, that acceptance, it will help them go further than they ever imagined. This is simply one soul to another, do not nit-pick at someone and don't pass on your insecurities and your jealousy onto someone else.

Our world is full of lost souls who are trying so hard to fit in. Their life is made harder by those with self-inflated egos who cast judgement onto them or by someone who is so insecure in themselves that they pass on harsh judgments of others to cover-up their own jealousy. The bottom line is, no one is better than anyone else.

I ask you these questions: If you were onstage, would you want the world to judge you? Do you think there would be ANY preconceived opinions of you? How does it feel to be judged?

The scars we bare is our success in living through something, it should not be our downfall by the harsh judgement of others who know nothing of our story. Open your hearts and release ALL judgement.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-World-Is-a-Stage&id=9362700

What Do You Long For?

Everyone has a longing or longings of some kind whether for love, relationships, success, recognition, approval or world travels. It's basic human nature. If you long for nothing in your life that you don't have or desire I'll wager that you are living either in denial, you have settled or given up on a dream, hope, desire or some aspect or even every aspect of life - you are existing day to day just waiting for your last day.

I'm not just talking here about goals, plans or dreams but the basic need to fill some empty part of your life. To long for can take many forms from a simple something to happen in your life today to a miraculous cure of some disease or trauma.

Why do we long? Is it pride? Ego? Arrogance? Fundamental basic human needs? Hope? Visions? Yes, it can be these and many more.

Over the years I have longed for many things in my life, career and relationships - some of them have happened while others still elude me for some reason. Do I give up - quit - keep waiting - keep trying or just accept what is and what may never be?

I don't know about you but quitting has never been in my DNA. Frustration - yes, disappointment - yes, regret - yes, but in the end letting these rule the time I have left seems to waste life - whatever it brings to me.

Yes, sometimes age, health and financial circumstances can cause us to reconsider our lifelong longings, but this doesn't mean they can't change, adjust or be replaced with something else given our new circumstances.

I am reminded of Christopher Reeves (the first Superman) after his accident that changed the rest of his life forever. But if you have read his story you know that he accomplished a great deal from his wheelchair, in fact much more than many people who can walk, talk, think etc. His story has been an inspiration to me when I have faced challenging or difficult times.

But what about you - given up on something? Just because you may not be making the progress you think you should, is no reason to let go. Yes, the dream or desire you long for may take a different path or have a different outcome due to unexpected changes in your life but this is no reason to quit, give in or settle.

http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Do-You-Long-For?&id=9366735

The 5 Blocks to Happiness (and How to Overcome Them)

Happiness is such a subjective term. It means so many different things to different people. But there are common blocks that apply to us all, and they may not be what you think. Let me explain.

Most of us think that the blocks to our happiness involve things like not having enough money or being in a bad relationship. Whatever the case may be, we often blame our unhappiness on things and people external to us. But in doing so, we’re completely missing the mark, which is why no matter what we try we stay stuck in our unhappiness. But there’s another solution.

Whenever we are unhappy is can be attributed to one or more of the reasons below. And these are the real blocks to your happiness. But the good news is, because they are within your control to change, your happiness is within your control to improve as well. Let’s take a look at these real blocks to happiness and what you can do about them.

1) Lack of self-worth and self-acceptance: When you lack self-respect and self-love and acceptance what ends up happening is you give your power away to others. You allow others to disrespect you and this causes you to feel frustrated and unhappy. Now, while it may appear like others are treating you badly, the truth is that their behaviour is simply mirroring your own beliefs about yourself. So instead of blaming others for your unhappiness, take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you, and most importantly, how you treat yourself.

Main lesson 1: Take responsibility for your own life. That’s the only way anything will change. See where you are giving your power away and stop. Start talking to yourself, and about yourself, in loving terms and you will see the people and circumstances in your life change for the better too.

Main lesson 2: Set healthy boundaries of what you will and will not accept from others, and then uphold them. When you show others how to respect you, they will respect you. Then make choices about who you want in your life. What are the relationships that matter to you? Which ones are toxic? Know that you have to love the soul but you don’t have to love the behaviour. So make your decisions with love and compassion and know that this doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. It benefits all when we stand up for ourselves in a healthy way.

2) Lack of confidence; seeking approval. 

When you seek others’ approval to live your life by your own terms you end up chasing after something you may not even want. You allow others to dictate how happy you are based on whether or not they approve of who you are and what you’re doing. In all likelihood, there will always be someone who disagrees with you or doesn’t understand your choices, and if you live your life trying to get everyone to approve of you, you will be wasting a lot of your personal energy. This then depletes your happiness reserve as well. Find your inner confidence, the one where your self-worth doesn’t depend on anyone else’s opinion. Then live your life as you feel is best without apology and without having to defend or justify it to anyone else. Those who really matter in your life will support you either way because they love you either way.

Main lesson 1: Find your inner confidence. While sometimes this seems easier said than done, it is possible if you decide it’s what you want to do. The first step to confidence is acceptance. So accept yourself as you are right now and even where you are right now. You are exactly where you need to be for your personal journey. You were made exactly as you needed to be for your personal purpose. So don’t discount your worth and don’t compare yourself to others. We each have our own path in life, sometimes they intersect, and sometimes they don’t, but either way, we each are valuable just as we are.

Main lesson 2: Own your choices. Know your motivations and do your best to ensure your choices are proactive and loving and aligned with your truest desires (rather than your ego’s desires). Then you will always have the confidence to follow through on those choices and you will no longer fear making mistakes because you will realize that when your choices are rooted in love, there are no such things as mistakes; only learning opportunities. So stop questioning yourself and start taking action towards your best life now.

3) Lack of authentic direction; following the whims of your ego that are inspired by competition and a lack mentality. When you are thinking in terms of what you think you don’t have that others do, you are aligning yourself with lack of happiness and lack in general. When you chase after dreams that are based on filling a perceived void with things external to you, like material things or even relationships, then you are looking for happiness in the wrong places. It’s not the things or the people that are the issue; it’s always the motivation and intentions behind your drive that matter most. Find your inner happiness center and all those externals will become compliments to your life rather than what you depend on for your joy.

Main lesson 1: Know what you want and why. Decipher between your authentic and inauthentic desires. To do this you simply need to pay attention to how you are feeling about your desires. Are you feeling a lack that you feel you need to fill, a desperation of sorts? Or are you feeling peaceful and excited to manifest what you already know is yours and within your capabilities to do, be, and have? Your motives and intentions are what determine the tone of your life experiences. If you can figure out the “what” and then the “why,” you will be ahead of the curve in living the life of your dreams. And the best part is that you will be doing so from a place of joy and inner confidence rather than a place of stress and uncertainty.

Main lesson 2: Often unhappiness stems from feelings of “not enough.” When you feel lack in your life it causes you to feel depressed and lonely. But you can change that by adopting an attitude of abundance. Now this doesn’t mean pretending to be something or someone you’re not. All it means is becoming more appreciative and observant of what you already have in your life right now. When you are appreciating, that means you are not depreciating. So no matter how small you think it is, find something to be grateful for right now, and build on that feeling by seeing the world as your oyster.

4) Lack of higher purpose and grander goals and visions. When you lack purpose you lack direction and it’s much easier to get swept up in the ways of the ego that cause your unhappiness. That’s why it’s so important to figure out what drives you, what you are passionate about, and what purpose you’re driven towards. Figuring out your purpose and who you are at your core is extremely important to your level of happiness.

Main lesson 1: In order to find your purpose, which will ultimately bring you immense joy and satisfaction, simply ask yourself a series of questions like, “What do I feel called to do in my life? What am I passionate about? What qualities do I have that can be valued and shared with the world? What am I exceptionally good at? What kind of person do I want to be? What do I want my legacy to be?”

Main lesson 2: But remember that your purpose is something you infuse into everything you do and everything you are. It’s not just about your vocation. It’s about what fuels you in every area of your life. Look to your passions and truest desires and there you will find your purpose.

5) Lack of priorities; misguided and scattered energy. You need to define what happiness means to you personally and then prioritize those things, people, and activities that mean the most to you. Then make time for it all. It’s about balance and delegation where necessary. It’s about finding your inner Zen, which gives you the energy and strength for everything you need to accomplish in life.

Main lesson 1: What’s important to you? If you strip away all the distractions in your life for one moment, what are you left with? Why are you doing all of this in the first place? Figure out what’s most important to you and then make sure you make it a priority in your life.

Main lesson 2: Understand that being balanced in your life is extremely important to your overall happiness and well-being. That doesn’t mean that sometimes certain things won’t grab at your attention more than others. It simply means that if you look at each year or even each month of your life, for instance, that you’ll be able to say that you gave every area of your life its fair dues. It means that you realize that life is not a dress rehearsal and that you get out of it what you put into it. So learn to prioritize and you will no longer feel the pains of regret for days gone by where you didn’t do what you really wanted to do. Make this life and every moment count and you’ll be happier for it.

So these are the 5 blocks to your happiness. They may not be the most obvious blocks, but guaranteed, they are key factors in how happy your life will be. So figure out which of these blocks apply to you and then choose to do something about it. Know that patchwork never works in the long run and so if you want to truly be happy from the inside-out, you’re going to have to address these issues in one way or another. But it’s always your choice and that’s the most empowering part!

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/the-5-blocks-to-happiness-and-how-to-overcome-them/