Improving Marital Communication By Slowing Down

Communication is central to our ability to connect well with our spouse and to work with them in resolving presenting issues that arise in day to day life. Though there are many facets of communication, I want to focus on one specific area that I find married couples are often unaware of that can make a significant and positive difference in how they communicate with each other: slowing down.

SLOWING DOWN?

Slowing down is a broad phrase that needs to be defined. In this particular context, I'm not referring to enunciating slowly or having fewer events on our calendar. I'm referring to something more difficult, and possibly more important: controlling our emotional responses.

That's right, controlling how we respond to our spouse in spite of how we feel. This is something that is always easier said than done, especially when we're having a disagreement and can feel our emotions steadily rising. It's usually at these critical points that we say or do things that we regret, and ultimately place the emotional safety in our marriage at risk.

Maintaining that emotional safety and preventing painful breaches is fundamental to a healthy marriage. Protecting your marriage in this regard is simply too difficult when we allow our emotions to guide our responses. That's why we need to put principles like slowing down in place. Let's take a moment to examine how we can put this unique principle to work in our marriages.

TAKE TIME TO CALM DOWN

Taking time to calm down may seem entirely elementary, but I assure you it is not. It takes a mature and disciplined individual to recognize a conversation is quickly breaking down, decide to disengage for a period of time, and obtain the space needed to calm down emotionally.

I realize that many spouses would prefer to have their partner remain with them until their disagreement is resolved, however staying together and continuing to talk may only lead to further conflict or the emotional withdrawal of one or both members. The reality is there are times when slowing down and doing the following is far more constructive:

1. Identify when a conflict is developing.

2. Break from the conversation and allow each member to have adequate time to rest emotionally.

3. Continue the needed conversation later that day after each person has calmed down.

These steps allow each spouse to move out of fight or flight tendencies, to reflect upon why they are experiencing a sense of heightened emotion, and to prepare to calmly disclose the basis of their frustration, anger, hurt, or sadness when their conversation resumes.

It also helps to do something which helps you calm down and relax. Take a walk, work out, pray, listen to music you enjoy, read, or apply a different strategy. Either way, do something that you enjoy to help your body and mind to rest before returning to the conversation with your partner.

I write this knowing that couples who obtain this type of rest are better positioned to calmly express their thoughts and emotions to each other, and to work through important issues in a fashion that helps build the emotional connection between them.

PRACTICE EMPATHY

Empathy is a truly unique and powerful human capacity that goes a long way in marital communication when it's applied. For some people, empathy is more of a natural response. For others, it is something they have to work to develop.

In either case, empathy is a resource we need to become proficient in using if we desire to see our communication with our spouse reach new levels.

I've frequently seen couples come into marriage counseling sessions angry, defensive and in conflict with each other. They seemed to be getting nowhere in their conflict, aside from only escalating the situation at hand. After helping them slow down and apply use of empathy, they begin to engage very differently.

Not only are they able to calm down, they are better able to understand the perspective of their spouse and validate what they had been going through emotionally. Watching this transformation occur is nothing short of incredible. Furthermore, these experiences speak to our ability to literally improve and change the nature of our conversations, while increasing our understanding of our spouse.

The following is a brief exercise that you can follow to practice using empathy:

• Take 60 seconds to mentally put yourself in your spouse's position.
• Ask yourself, "If I was them, What would I be feeling? or What would I be thinking?"
• Take additional time to reflect upon the thoughts and feelings generated by this exercise, and allow yourself to consider them in light of how your spouse is responding.
• Like most couples, you'll probably find that putting yourself in your spouse's position enables you to be more sensitive to their stated needs, concerns, desires and emotional responses.

I would encourage you to practice this exercise multiple times a day, whether you and your spouse are together or apart. If you happen to be apart, know that you can later engage them by saying something to the effect of: "I was thinking about you earlier, and am wondering if you might be feeling (e.g., anxious, hurt, etc.) or be thinking about (e.g., our disagreement earlier this week, etc.)."

This type of engagement is important because it immediately lets your spouse know you were thinking about them (which is always a great sentiment to express) and conveys that you are genuinely sensitive to their emotional and marital needs.

SETTING BOUNDARIES EARLY

Last but not least, set boundaries in your conversations as a means of slowing down and preventing conflict from developing. This is a truly important step in healthy communication. I've often seen spouses neglect setting boundaries and end up in a painful negative communication cycle (e.g., one member harshly pursues / the other member emotionally withdraws) in which both members feel hurt and misunderstood.

It's far better to know your emotional limits in a conversation and to make them known early, in order to protect yourself and to help your spouse better understand how to redirect their approach to you.

For example:

"I care about you and would be glad to listen to you, however please stop attacking me with your words."

"I know you would like to keep talking about this, but I feel myself shutting down. Let's break for a few minutes, rest, and continue afterwards."

The objective is to be aware of your own emotional process, to use an I feel statement reflecting those emotions, and to make your communication needs known to your spouse as soon as a possible. Setting a boundary in this way will help you slow down the emotional process between you, as opposed to seeing it quickly escalate into something destructive.

BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER IN PRAYER

All of these strategies are helpful. And yet, implementing any of them well requires that our hearts are in the right place.

Prayer is central in this regard, as it reminds us of our larger calling to live out our desire to honor the Lord each day, especially by loving and caring for our spouse.

It also helps us gauge whether we are allowing The Fruit of the Spirit to be evident in our day to day lives:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law (Galatians 5:22)."

Couples who infuse their relationship with these fruit will greatly benefit from peace and connection that follow in their relationship.

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Seven Steps to Keep Your Sanity During a Divorce

Going through a divorce can be overwhelming in more ways than one: your emotions will go up and down like a roller coaster for several months and you will feel pulled in many directions all at once. You also may have to sell your home and other property, find a new place to live, and adjust to being a single parent. Divorce can take a devastating toll on your financial, emotional and social health, but there are several ways to cope with the changes and instability:

1) Take Time to Grieve

A divorce is a loss and therefore requires grieving. It is important to take time to go through this grieving process and acknowledge your feelings. Remember that in time of divorce, friends and family will take sides, so not only be ready to let go of your spouse, but also of some friendships. This will add pain to the separation process but is a necessary step towards your new life.

2) Build an Emotional and Social Support Network

This is a crucial time to rely on your loved ones, whether it means your family and/or your friends, and search for the emotional support you need. Surround yourself with people who will let you share your feelings and offer a leaning shoulder without judging your situation or decisions. Make the time to go out to dinner or a movie. Laugh, enjoy the present moment and the good company. Remember that laughter is great medicine.

3) Get Professional Help

If you feel that the support from your family or friends is not enough, seek out professional help. Relationship counselors can teach you coping skills for each situation you will be struggling with during the divorce process. A counselor will also help you bring the focus back on you, and help you distance yourself from your ex-spouse. Reconnecting with your individuality and identifying your own needs and desires is very important, especially if you were married for a long time.

4) Get Moving

It is not essential to join a gym to add exercise to your daily life, but it is crucial that you take care of yourself physically. Divorce is considered one of life's most traumatic events, and its toll on the body and the mind can have devastating and long-lasting effects. Exercise releases endorphins and helps you decrease stress levels. It also helps you sleep better, which will improve your mental focus during the day, at work and at home.

5) Take it One Day at a Time and Remember Who You Are

Thinking about the future can be overwhelming, especially when so many factors have to be considered and your life path seems uncertain. By breaking large steps into smaller steps, you can get closer to your goals without the increased emotional toll and stress. In addition, divorce is not only an end but also a new beginning -- the perfect opportunity to remember the person you were before the marriage. Consider reconnecting with your old hobbies or find new ones that will make you happy.

6) Be Strong for Your Children

By taking all the necessary steps mentioned above, you will become a better parent, emotionally and physically stronger. Remember that a divorce can be very difficult for children too, and they will need your emotional support. Children can be a great motivation to pulling yourself together, helping you focus on a new and happy life with them.

7) Reduce the Emotional and Financial Toll by Hiring a Divorce Mediator

Going through the divorce process does not have to be excruciating and if you and your spouse think that you can work things amicably, then choose a divorce mediator instead of hiring separate attorneys. Besides reducing your financial expenses, divorce mediation will mitigate friction between spouses as the mediator encourages communication and compromise to reach a consensus regarding the division of assets and debts, child custody and visitation schedule, child support, and spousal support, in a reasonable amount of time. A shorter divorce process will help you start the healing process sooner.

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Can Divorce Be Predicted?

While you may be surprised when your spouse states he or she wants a divorce, there were likely dark clouds in the horizon, pointing to an approaching cold front. According to a recent survey, by Northside Counseling, there are 10 common behaviors which indicate divorce winds are blowing. Although not a clinical study, the survey results did appear to be consistent with what we have noticed over 15 years of practicing divorce and custody law.

1. Two or More Affairs

Spouses stray from the nest and engage in affairs for a variety of reasons, including falling out of love with the other spouse, lack of passion and excitement in the marriage or a feeling of not being appreciated by the other spouse. If spouse states that they believe in monogamy but inwardly believe it's unrealistic, you're likely in for two or more affairs. If your spouse has promised to stop engaging in affairs, it's not enough. If a promise alone was enough, the wedding vows would've worked the first time around. Two or more affairs in a marriage are an indicator that your spouse may be ready to fly the coop.

2. Ongoing Lying

Your wife calls and says she's working late at the office and will be home much later. You call to check in on her, and she's not there. Your husband says he's going on a fishing trip with a buddy, and you bump into that buddy at the food store. Ongoing lying is a red flag that your spouse just might be keeping a dirty little secret.

3. Close Friendship with Opposite Sex

With countless hours at work and social media platforms, it's easy to wind up with an opposite-sex friend. Spouses with opposite-sex friends can often interact and wind up spending more time with that friend than their partner. Platonic relationships can lead to romantic ones. As a matter of fact, 85 percent of divorced couples attribute their spouse's close friendship with the opposite sex the reason for marital strife.

4. Continued Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a defense mechanism to criticism. Yet, it's a destructive response and obstructs communication between partners. Nothing gets resolved, and the conflict just escalates. When your spouse is continually defensive, it's a sign that they are blaming you for the problem. It's a way of saying, "I don't care what you need in the marriage, this is what I need." This behavior is a strong predictor of an impending divorce.

5. Abusive Threatening Behaviors

Abusive threatening behaviors often manifest themselves with threatening, constant criticism, manipulation and bullying. This type of abuse can leave the victimized spouse feeling anxious or depressed. Abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and many cannot change this learned behavior. Abuse is a red flag that it's time to file a petition for divorce.

6. Secretive Behaviors

Behaviors that are illegal, suspect and addictive can continue into a marriage and are obvious red flags that shouldn't be ignored. Trust what you feel; your hunch that something's up is probably right. The reason why people act secretive in a marriage is because that they know that they shouldn't be doing what they're doing. Once the cat is out of the bag, it's likely to fuel divorce papers.

7. Hiding of Phone or Use of Password

There shouldn't be any secrecy between partners in a marriage. There's no reason for a spouse to be hiding their phone or not providing passwords. Why hide texting history, emails on who you've been in contact with, visited websites or cell phone records? The simple answer is that a spouse doesn't want the other to know what they've been up to. When you snoop, you just might not like what you find.

8. Excessive Drinking or Drug Use

While you and your spouse probably partied before saying I do, marriage is the time to settle down. Excessive drinking or drug use can lead to abusive behavior and loss of employment. Often, the sober spouse cannot tolerate these types of behavior. Rehab programs and AA don't work for everyone, and divorce may be the only alternative.

9. Repeated Flirting

Spouses who repeatedly flirt stir up a whole host of problems. All that attention directed to another stirs up jealousy in the ignored spouse. It's also highly suggestive that the flirting spouse is interested in something more than tea and crumpets. Repeated flirting is a recipe for divorce.

10. Differing Sexual Desires

Not being in the mood for intimacy is a mantra often spoken by married couples. When couples have a different sexual appetite, it sets the change for incompatibility. When one's needs in a marriage aren't met by the other spouse, divorce is likely looming in the background.

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