Your Field Guide to the Colorful Personality

How to identify them, and what to expect from them.

The "colorful" personality is a sub-clinical form of histrionic personality disorder, which refers to a pattern of attention-seeking behavior featuring exaggerated, even theatrical displays of emotion and shallow relationships. 

Personality disorders were once thought to be categorically distinct from normal personality, but today many psychologists prefer to view them as on a continuum with normal personality traits. Hence, personality psychologists now refer to "sub-clinical" manifestations of things like psychopathy and narcissism as less extreme versions of what are usually considered personality disorders. The "sub-clinical" part means that these traits can appear in people who are otherwise well adjusted in their daily lives.

A recently published study examined how the colorful or histrionic personality fits with the traits from the Big Five model. The colorful personality combines socially desirable and undesirable traits and seems to have a family resemblance to members of the infamous "Dark Triad" of personality, particularly narcissism, although with distinctive features. From an evolutionary perspective, the colorful personality seems to involve a fast life history strategy, in which a person aims to extract social resources from others while giving as little as possible in return. People with colorful personalities might be able to do this because they are charismatic and charming and therefore might beguile people into overlooking their other character flaws.

Some have a flair for flamboyance

Source: Used with Permission from The Peacock Masquerade by Nocturnal-Rapture

Personality disorders are long-standing, deeply ingrained patterns of behaving and relating. The traditional diagnostic view sees them as discrete categories that people either do or do not fit into. However, there is evidence that personality disorders involve extreme manifestations of traits found in most people. For example, each personality disorder can be described in terms of how its profile fits into the well-known Big Five model of personality with its five broad factors—extraversion, agreeableness,conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness to experience. Each of these factors can be further broken down into a number of more specific traits. One common approach assigns each of the five factors six facets, so that the total model has 30 facets. Hence, personality disorders can be understood in regard to their typical facet profile (Bagby, Costa, Widiger, Ryder, & Marshall, 2005).

Although personality disorders as such are maladaptive, many people who are reasonably well-adjusted have traits that resemble less extreme forms of these syndromes. For example, sub-clinical narcissism may be viewed as a less extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder. These sub-clinical syndromes have been called "dark side" traits because they may become problematic at times, particularly when a person is under pressure or stress (Furnham, 2014).

A very interesting paper recently looked at the Big Five profile of the sub-clinical form of histrionic personality disorder, also known as the colorful personality (Furnham, 2014). People with this personality profile have a very strong motivation to seek approval, are good at calling attention to themselves, have a flair for the dramatic, dress to impress, and are often the life of the party. Among their strengths, they are fun, entertaining, flirtatious, and make an impression. Among their weaknesses, they are disorganized, do not listen to feedback, overcommit themselves, and are very self-aggrandizing.

Furnham’s study assessed more than 5,000 people in Britain, mostly in middle-class occupations, such as management. The study found that the colorful personality profile was associated with higher levels of extraversion and openness to experience, and with lower levels of neuroticism and agreeableness. The study also looked at the 30 facets of the Big Five to produce a more detailed profile, finding that the colorful personality was associated with a distinctive blend of socially desirable and undesirable traits.

In summary, people with the colorful personality tended to be:

• High in all facets of extraversion: They were typically gregarious, assertive, enthusiastic, and excitable.
• High in most facets of openness to experience, and so were generally imaginative, emotionally expressive, artistic, inquisitive, and willing to try new things.
• Low in some facets of neuroticism, tending to be self-assured, not anxious or emotionally vulnerable, but also tending to act impulsively and to be quick to anger.
• Mixed in tendencies regarding agreeableness: They were very low in straightforwardness, modesty and compliance, suggesting that they are manipulative, arrogant and boastful, and have little respect for following rules. On the other hand, they can also be somewhat trusting, helpful, and kind-hearted, perhaps when it suits them.
• Finally, in regards to conscientiousness, they tend to be ambitious and sure of their abilities, but also to be disorderly and undisciplined: They do not plan ahead, and tend to be lax about keeping their obligations.

Source: PHOTOCREO Michal Bednarek/Shutterstock

The overall impression one gets of people who fit this profile is that they seem like rather selfish individuals who put on a good show, but are more concerned with satisfying their own ambitions than they are with making a substantive contribution to society. They may be entertaining and fun to be around, but do not necessarily care about doing high-quality work or meeting social obligations when it does not suit them.

The colorful personality seems to have a great deal in common with socially exploitative trait profiles known as "dark personalities" (Paulhus, 2014). The most well-known taxonomy of these profiles is the "Dark Triad"—psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism. (More recently, sadism has been added to this list to create a "Dark Tetrad.") The colorful personality seems to share a great deal in common with narcissism in that both are driven by a desire to be regarded as special and manifest a strong degree of psychological entitlement—that is, the belief that one is deserving of special treatment. However, compared to the narcissistic personality, the colorful personality tends to be more gregarious, warm, and tender-minded, if also more disorganized (Furnham & Crump, 2014), suggesting a somewhat distinctive profile.

The various dark personalities are distinct from each other, but have considerable overlap, and there are a number of theories about what constitutes their common core. One is that a common feature of all members of the Dark Triad is a low level of the characteristic known as honesty-humility, which manifests as the willingness to exploit other people for selfish gain (Paulhus, 2014). Honesty-humility is a feature of the six-factor HEXACO model of personality, one of the main alternatives to the Big Five model. However, in the 30-facet model, honesty and humility are basically identical to the agreeableness facets of, respectively, straightforwardness and modesty.[1] As noted, people with the colorful personality are strikingly low in these facets, just like people with Dark Triad traits.

Another theory proposes that while low honesty-humility is a common factor of the Dark Triad, its core consists of a callous disregard for the needs of others (Jones & Figueredo, 2013). I do not think it is clear that the colorful personality is quite this callous, though, since the profile is also positively associated with the tender-mindedness facet of agreeableness. That is, even though they tend to be self-centered, they might not be quite as malicious as other Dark Triad types.

Depending on one’s perspective, the colorful personality may or may not belong with the Dark Triad, but it does seem to have a family resemblance.

Another perspective that may be helpful for understanding the colorful personality is life history theory. According to this approach, people may vary in regard to whether they have more of a fast or a slow life history strategy.

• The slow strategy is mutualistic: It emphasizes cooperation with other people for mutual benefit.
• The fast strategy is antagonistic: It emphasizes using other people to extract resources while attempting to minimize the cost to the self. (In other words, try to get as much as possible while giving as little as possible in return.)

Antagonistic strategies are risky, so a challenge for fast strategists is how to extract resources from others without incurring punishment. People with a warrior-hawk approach use intimidation and aggression to get their way (Book, Visser, & Volk, 2015). This strategy is associated with psychopathy—and extremely risky. Less aggressive strategies involving good social skills, such as the ability to persuade others to give in to one’s demands, might be more socially acceptable and involve less risk. Selfish individuals may be more likely to succeed at manipulating others if they are charming and entertaining. By presenting an attractive façade, they may become popular and influential. This may compensate for their lack of more substantial contributions, their unreliability, and their failure to meet social obligations.

In a previous post, I noted that fast and slow strategies each seem to be associated with a mixture of attractive and undesirable traits. People who match the slow pattern tend to be reliable and honest, yet shy, socially awkward and self-effacing. Those who match the fast strategy tend to be more socially skilled and charming, yet selfish and deceitful. The colorful personality seems to match this latter pattern: Their life strategy might be to get their way through theatricality and charm. Other people might find them so entertaining that they are willing to overlook their repeated failures to measure up to a reasonable standard of social responsibility. Delroy Paulhus (2014) has suggested that each of the dark personalities may thrive in a specific niche where their traits prove useful. This may also apply to the colorful personality, as it has been suggested that they make good sales people, but terrible managers (Furnham, 2014). 

[1] Proponents of the HEXACO argue that straightforwardness and modesty are not properly facets of agreeableness and therefore should be considered a separate factor. However, this is a technical debate that would lead off topic so I will not get into it at this time. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/unique-everybody-else/201509/your-field-guide-the-colorful-personality 

5 Phrases That Can Kill a Relationship

Any relationship can benefit from more closeness. Closeness is created between two people through knowing each other well and caring for each other openly. These are simple actions you can start doing any time, with anyone you choose. Closeness—the antidote to loneliness—is very much within your control.

One of the first things I encourage my clients to do to create more closeness in their relationships is to adjust their language in small but powerful ways.

Here are 5 phrases to avoid if you want your relationships to feel closer:

1. “Why?”

A first phrase to avoid is just one single word: “Why” isn’t the best way to pose a question to someone you want to be close to because it can unintentionally create defensiveness. “Why” is the language of accusation (“Why did you do that?”; “Why do you feel that way?”). Despite what may be innocent intentions, that single word primes another person to think of reasons to defend himself or herself.

To feel the subversive power of “why,” the next time you sit down to a nice dinner or to watch a movie, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Feel the anxiety it provokes? That’s the same anxiety most “why” questions provoke in others—and it’s an experience that will not bring you closer to someone

Alternative: Rephrase your “why” questions as “what” or “how” questions. “Why am I doing this?” becomes “What am I getting out of this?” Feel the difference? The first version accuses; the second just wants to understand.

2. “You need to…”

“You” is a tricky word in the closeness vocabulary. It can certainly bring people together (“You are so sweet”) but when it slides into telling your partner what he or she needs to be doing differently, it can definitely cause division.

The key phrases to pay attention to are the ones that begin with, “You need to…” (“You need to be more assertive"; “You need to be more organized”). These have the potential to hinder closeness because they imply that your partner should change in some specific way, based on your opinions. When creating closeness, it’s best not to present your opinions as mandates. “You need to” creates a mandate that will drive a wedge between people.

Alternative: Try focusing on your own experience of the situation. For example, “You need to be more assertive” might become, “I would like us to make more decisions together.” “You need to be more organized” might become, “I wonder if we can work on straightening out the closets.” Sharing your perspective on the situation fosters closeness and prevents gaps from forming.

3. “I’m sorry if…”

Almost everyone finds it hard to admit when they’ve done something wrong. But as we all make mistakes in our lives, apologizing is essential to maintaining closeness over a long period of time. One of the biggest mistakes people make here is starting an apology with, “I’m sorry if…” (“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings”; “I’m sorry if you felt that way”).

These are not apologies that create closeness because closeness is bolstered by taking at least some responsibility when you’ve done something wrong. Using “if” in your apology allows you to dodge responsibility by putting it back on the other person. “I’m sorry if you felt that way.” See that big “you” there?

Alternative: Apologizing well is about being committed to taking some responsibility. “I’m sorry I…” and “I’m sorry for…” work infinitely better than “I’m sorry if…” A simple “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is the type of apology that brings people closer together.

4. “Why don’t you just…”

You know this phrase is trouble because it starts with a “why”—but it gets its own spot in the Top 5 because this and its other versions (“You could just…”; “You should just…”) shut down conversation when your partner needs it most—when he or she is struggling.

Giving your partner advice or offering up solutions to problems is great—when he or she asks for it. But when he or she simply wants to tell you about one of their struggles, inserting a “why don’t you just…” implies that the struggle is not valid. From your point of view it seems that it could easily be solved if they just did x, y, or z. This creates distance because, although it may not have been your intention, you just invalidated their experience.

Alternative: When your partner is struggling with something, your main task is to be present and engaged. That stance in its very simplicity creates the most closeness. And when he or she is ready to do something differently, then offer to help brainstorm solutions. Collaboration is advice, closeness-style.

5. “Not right now.”

Most of us lead busy lives and it’s not always possible to drop what you’re doing and listen to your husband’s work story, or take your mother’s call. Nevertheless, being engaged with those you want to be close to on a consistent basis is extremely important and the phrase “not right now” without any follow-up fosters a feeling of rejection.

Alternative: If you’re engrossed in something at the moment your partner wants to engage, try replacing “not right now” with a request for a specific amount of time. “I just need 20 minutes on this and then I’d love to listen,” elicits a totally different feeling from “not right now.”

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201501/5-phrases-can-kill-relationship

The Blessings of Shyness

Sure, there's a shadow side, but you don't have to succumb to it.

Have you ever been told that you’re shy? Growing up, did you hear admonitions like, “Don’t be bashful"?

You’re not alone.

In our extroverted society, being assertive, if not aggressive, is valued. Being introverted

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, reflective, or shy tends to be denigrated.

Is shyness a bad thing or something to value about ourselves?

Shyness or Social Anxiety?

Terms such as “social phobia” and “social anxiety disorder

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” refer to situations in which a person experiences significant fear and distress in social situations. Physical symptoms might include excessive blushing, sweating, or trembling. There may be an avoidance of situations that trigger emotional distress or humiliation.

Although there may sometimes be an overlap, being shy doesn’t equate 

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with social anxiety. Shyness is a quality that is simply part of being human. Judging ourselves for being shy adds a layer of shame onto a very tender and even desirable aspect of ourselves.

Shyness and Vulnerability

Most of us feel shy at times; some of us are just more adept at covering it up with defences. Perhaps the smooth-talking, charming storytellers at parties are hiding a deeper vulnerability. They want to look good so that they’ll be liked. And it may be difficult for us to feel a connection with people who conceal the shy, tender part of themselves.

Being shy implies that we’re sensitively attuned to our environment. As our antenna scans for safety, we shy away from those who seem critical or judgemental. There may be an intelligence that informs such shyness, steering us clear of unsafe people and situations.

When someone offers a compliment or affection—or when you meet someone you’re attracted to—do you feel a little shy? Rather than seeing that shyness as a weakness, can you embrace it?

From the perspective of attachment theory, shyness might be seen as part of our longing for connection and acceptance. Being gentle with our vulnerability, we might honor shyness as a doorway to a sweet moment of connection, as expressed in my book, The Authentic Heart:

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"If you experience shyness, consider it a blessing. Shyness is an entrance into a tender fold within your authentic heart … If you can allow yourself to experience shyness when it arises—if you can gently turn your attention toward the place in your body that feels this shyness—then it becomes a friend, not a threat. Embraced shyness transforms into sweetness … As your tolerance for shyness grows, there are greater possibilities for breakthroughs into the exhilarating pleasure of connecting."

The Shadow Side of Shyness

The shadow side of shyness is that we might distance ourselves from people before giving them a chance. If we were often shamed or rejected, we might see the world through the distorted lens of old hurts and assume people are unsafe without checking them out. At the first hint of being criticized, we might succumb to the knee-jerk reaction of diverting our eyes or shutting down. We might judge others as being unsafe before interacting with them.

To move forward, perhaps we should give people a chance. This would require that we stay present with our shyness without reacting automatically. Developing a stronger sense of self, we recognize that it’s OK to be shy and sensitive; if others are harsh or shaming, this says more about them than about us. Not allowing others to define us, we hold onto our self-worth and dignity. We protect ourselves by meeting what comes our way with a more sturdy self.

Source: flickr image by photosavvy

Social anxiety might keep us clinging to the comfort of staying home, which can keep us isolated. This condition might improve with psychotherapy. Shyness, on the other hand, is something we can value about ourselves—and stroll into the world with a quiet dignity. Honoring our shyness as a sweet and tender part of ourselves, we can connect more easily, and less self-consciously, with people who appreciate us.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201508/the-blessings-shyness

Why Some of Us Seek Dominant Partners

Research shows that relationship choices are more complicated than they appear

Are you attracted to a romantic partner who is commanding, powerful, assertive, and take-charge? Or do you prefer someone who is less dominant? Your answer is likely to depend on your gender and your personality. Women may prefer dominant “bad boys” (and some men prefer “bad girls”). Different women have very different reasons for seeking out a dominant partner, as do other women for seeking the opposite. 

There are different ways for a person to be dominant, but researchers consider social dominance to include traits like being authoritative, in control, and taking a leadership role.1,2,3 However, such traits are not normally associated with kind, caring people. Dominant people tend to be more self-centered and insensitive to others’ feelings, not traits most of us seek in a romantic partner.4 For dominant individuals to be seen as desirable mates, they need to combine that commanding personality with other traits that show a willingness to be generous and helpful.5 Women want a partner who is competitive with others, but treats them well.6

Evolutionary psychologists claim that women prefer dominant partners because such men have superior genes. Evidence has shown that women prefer more dominant men when they themselves are at the most fertile point of their menstrual cycle, whereas most men do not similarly seek out dominant women.7 

New research by Gilda Geibel and colleagues goes beyond these evolutionary explanations, which focus solely on gender differences, and examines how our individual personality traits affect the preference for dominant partners.8 The researchers speculated that if a passive but nice partner is seen as “boring," then people who are especially averse to boredom in their lives will be the most likely to seek out dominant partners. They predicted that people who are high in sensation-seeking—"the seeking of varied, novel, complex, and intense sensations and experiences and the willingness to take risks for the sake of such experiences”9—would be especially likely to prefer dominant partners. They also wondered how anxiety, particularly for women, might influence these preferences.

In a survey, 172 German adults (60% female, 63% students) completed personality questionnaires, and then measured their own preference for a dominant partner. Participants rated how much they agreed with statements such as, “A very nice man/woman is often boring"; “I like it when the man/woman takes on a leadership role in our relationship"; and, “I feel attracted to assertive men/women." To assess sensation-seeking, participants completed a well-known measure of this trait, which includes four sub-scales:

• Thrill and adventure-seeking. The tendency to engage in “fearless” behavior, like skydiving and mountain-climbing.
• Disinhibition. Engaging in impulsive behaviors, like drug and alcohol use or unsafe sex.
• Experience seeking. Seeking out less risky, but exciting, new experiences, like travel or artistic experiences.
• Boredom susceptibility. The tendency to become bored easily and need constant stimulation from other people or activities.

The results revealed that sensation-seekers of both genders were especially likely to prefer a dominant partner. In particular, boredom susceptibility and disinhibition were correlated with a preference for dominant partners—while thrill-seeking was not. This suggests that those who are easily bored and engage in impulsive behaviors may choose more dominant romantic partners. Such partners may provide excitement that keeps them stimulated.

The researchers also examined participants' overall levels of anxiety. In particular, the researchers hypothesized that women who were highly anxious might prefer dominant partners because of the protection that they offer, rather than because they’re sexy or exciting.

Their results did reveal that there were two types of women who preferred dominant partners—those who displayed boredom susceptibility and disinhibition, and anxiety. These traits are totally uncorrelated to each other, providing evidence that these two types of women may have different motivations for seeking dominant partners. Anxious women appear to prefer dominant partners because they offer protection and security, while disinhibited, easily bored women seem to prefer dominant partners because they’reexciting.

Not all anxious women showed a preference for dominant partners, however. Anxious women were more likely to score highly on the experience-seeking aspect of sensation-seeking, the researchers found, and they concluded that anxious women have two different ways of coping with their anxiety: Some seek a dominant man for protection. But others, particularly those who seek out new and exciting experiences, may try to compensate for their anxiety by pursuing a more sophisticated, cosmopolitan and non-conformist lifestyle that involves new experiences, like travel and artistic pursuits. These women avoid a dominant partner who may try to control them and limit their ability to pursue those experiences. (Of course, there may be other explanations for this surprising pattern of results.)

While there may be some truth, then, to the stereotype that women seek dominant “bad boys," the real picture is complicated—and men certainly may also seek “bad girls” if they themselves are disinhibited and easily bored, just as some women may seek dominant partners if they have that same easily bored personality type. Other women may seek dominant partners because they are anxious and want protection from their mate—although other anxious women prefer the opposite, wanting less-dominant partners who allow them to explore new experiences.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201505/why-some-us-seek-dominant-partners

Why Nice Guys Don't Always Have to Finish Last

There are ways to succeed and still be a good guy. Here are 4.

I usually don't let my blog get too personal, but throughout my life I've heard that "nice guys (and gals) finish last." This is usually in the form of personal advice from friends and colleagues. I've been scolded: "Don't be so nice!" "Learn to say ‘no'!" "Put yourself first." "Don't give in so easily."

Maybe you have been told the same things, too? Maybe you suffer from "terminal niceness syndrome." If so, here are four paths to success for you:

1. Stay True to Yourself.

You probably aren't going to just stop being nice. [I just read some of Dick Cheney's autobiography. He's always going to be a jerk, and you are probably always going to be nice.] "Niceness" is a manifestation of personality traits—most prominent is Agreeableness. Personality traits don't change much over time, and are difficult to intentionally change. The lesson here is: Learn to live with your niceness. It has gotten you this far, so it's probably working well. If it isn't getting you where you want to go, then pay attention to these other rules:

2. Just Walk Away. Choose Your Battles.

One problem that nice or agreeable people have is that they feel bad after an interpersonal conflict. That makes sense, because interpersonal harmony is an important goal of the nice. So often the best thing to do when you realize that a conflict situation is imminent is to just walk away, particularly if you suspect that the conflict will not be resolved in this encounter. But: If the situation is an important one, and needs to be resolved, then it is time to stand your ground. Be assertive. Stand up for yourself. The point here is to choose when to fight and when not to, and to avoid unnecessary conflict situations, particularly with people who you know thrive on interpersonal conflict—the opposite of the terminally nice people.

3. Kill Them With Kindness.

You are nice. Accept that as a strength. I've found that you can often "wear people down" by continuing to be cordial, polite, and avoiding unnecessary conflict. Some suspicious people think that another's kindness is just a façade—a ploy designed to take advantage of them. Those people often come around after they realize the niceness is genuine. I've found that, over time, niceness pays off with many people. It builds trust. You get a reputation as someone who is a good team player, and who more than pulls his or her weight. Of course, this can lead to being taken advantage of, so the next rule is important:

4. The 3 Strikes Rule.

People can and do take advantage of the nice. That's why I've found it important to adhere to the 3-strikes rule. If someone is mean, disagreeable, or attacking, turn the other cheek. Sometimes "a soft word does indeed turneth away the wrath."

I give them another chance. They misbehave again. I give them a second chance. (I'm terminally nice). Most people back off at this point. If, however, they persist, that's it. Three strikes and you are out! This is where I stop being nice. "Speak softly, but carry a big stick." End the interaction, and if need be, the relationship.

I know that nice people get taken advantage of. I know that nice people can often be the target of bullies. That is why this last rule is important. You need to develop that "big stick"—to learn to draw the line, fight back when necessary, and be willing to walk away permanently.

Take Some Pride

Rather than looking at niceness as a weakness or liability, let's go back to kindergarten, and the lessons we were taught:

• Play nice with others.
• Be fair.
• Share everything.
• Don't hit people or say mean things
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• AND, Clean up your own mess

Terminally nice people should be proud: They learned these lessons early on, and continue to practice them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201109/why-nice-guys-dont-always-have-finish-last

5 Phrases That Can Kill a Relationship

How to avoid saying things that push your partner away.


        

Any relationship can benefit from more closeness. Closeness is created between two people through knowing each other well and caring for each other openly. These are simple actions you can start doing any time, with anyone you choose. Closeness—the antidote to loneliness—is very much within your control!

One of the first things I encourage my clients to do to create more closeness in their relationships is to adjust their language in small but very powerful ways. Here are five phrases to avoid if you want your relationships to feel closer:

1) “Why?”

A first phrase to avoid is just one single word! “Why” isn’t the best way to pose a question to someone you want to be close to because it can unintentionally create defensiveness. “Why” is the language of accusation (“Why did you do that?” “Why do you feel that way?”). Despite your innocent intentions, that single word primes another person to think of reasons to defend him/herself.

To feel the subversive power of “why,” the next time you sit down to a nice dinner or to watch a movie ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Feel the anxiety it provokes! That’s the same anxiety most “why” questions provoke in others… and it’s an experience that will not bring the two of you closer.

An alternative is to rephrase your “why” questions as “what” or “how” questions. “Why am I doing this?” becomes “What am I getting out of this?” Feel the difference? The first version accuses; the second version just wants to understand.

2) “You need to…”

“You” is a tricky word in the closeness vocabulary. It can certainly bring people together (“You are so sweet”) but when it slides into telling your partner what he or she needs to be doing differently, it can definitely cause division.

The key phrases to pay attention to are the ones that begin with, “You need to…” (“You need to be more assertive,” “You need to be more organized”). These phrases have the potential to hinder closeness because they imply that your partner should change in some specific way based on your opinions. When creating closeness, it’s best not to present your opinions as mandates. “You need to” creates a mandate that will drive a wedge between people.

Alternative: Try focusing on your own experience of the situation. For example, “You need to be more assertive” might become, “I would like us to make more decisions together.” “You need to be more organized” might become, “I wonder if we can work on straightening out the closets.” Sharing your perspective on the situation fosters closeness and prevents gaps from forming.

3) “I’m sorry if…”

Almost everyone finds it hard to admit when they’ve done something wrong. But as we all make mistakes in our lives, apologizing is essential to maintaining closeness in relationships over a long period of time. One of the biggest mistakes people make in this arena is starting an apology with, “I’m sorry if…” (“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” “I’m sorry if you felt that way”).

These are not apologies that work well in creating closeness because closeness is bolstered by taking (at least some) responsibility when you’ve done something wrong. Using “if” in your apology allows you to dodge taking responsibility by putting it back on the other person. “I’m sorry if you felt that way.” See that big glaring “you” there?

Alternative: Apologizing well is about being committed to taking some responsibility. “I’m sorry I…” and “I’m sorry for…” work infinitely better than “I’m sorry if…” A simple “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is the type of apology that brings people closer together.

4) “Why don’t you just…”

You know this phrase is trouble because it starts with a “why”! But it get its own spot in the Top 5 because this and its other versions (“You could just…” “You should just…”) shut down conversation when your partner needs it most—when he or she is struggling.

Giving your partner advice or offering up solutions to problems is great … when he or she asks for it. But when she simply wants to tell you about one of her struggles, inserting a “why don’t you just…” implies that the struggle is not valid. From your point of view it seems that it could easily be solved if she just did x, y, or z. This creates distance because, although it may well not have been your intention, you just invalidated her experience.

Alternative: When your partner is struggling with something, your main task is to be present and engaged. That stance in its very simplicity creates the most closeness. And when he or she is ready to do something differently, then offer to help brainstorm solutions. Collaboration is advice, closeness-style!

5) “Not right now.”

Most of us lead busy lives and it’s not always possible to drop what you’re doing and listen to your husband’s work story or take your mother’s call. Nevertheless, being engaged with those you want to be close to on a consistent basis is extremely important and the phrase “not right now” without any follow-up fosters a feeling of rejection.

Alternative: If you’re engrossed in something at the moment your partner wants to engage, try replacing your “not right now” with a request for a specific amount of time. “I just need 20 minutes on this and then I’d love to listen,” elicits a totally different feeling from “not right now.”

Use these simple tips to start building closeness in your relationships right away! It may take a while for your new language habits to take hold but when they do you will see remarkable improvements in all of your relationships.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201501/5-phrases-can-kill-relationship

Assertive Communication - 6 Tips For Effective Use

What IS assertive communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

So why use assertive communication?

All of us use assertive behaviour at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behaviour.

Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behaviour patterns for a more positive approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.

The advantages of assertive communication

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimises hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

There are, of course, disadvantages...

Disadvantages of assertive communication

Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of the views you express. Also, having a healthy regard for another person's rights means that you won't always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held. But most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.

What assertive communication is not...

Assertive communication is definitely NOT a lifestyle! It's NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It's definitely NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone, but at least it's NOT being aggressive.

But it IS about choice

Four behavioural choices

There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ. These types are:

direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous

Characteristics of assertive communication

There are six main characteristics of assertive communication. These are:

• eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity
• body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message
• gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis
• voice: a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating
• timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact
• content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say

The importance of "I" statements

Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. You can accomplish this by using "I" statements. These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direcdt and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.

Strong "I" statements have three specific elements:

• Behaviour
• Feeling
• Tangible effect (consequence to you)

Example: "I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."

Six techniques for assertive communication

There are six assertive techniques - let's look at each of them in turn.

1. Behaviour Rehearsal: which is literally practising how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront.

2. Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.

Example:

"I would like to show you some of our products"
"No thank you, I'm not interested"
"I really have a great range to offer you"
"That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment"
"Is there someone else here who would be interested?"
"I don't want any of these products"
"Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?"
"Yes, I will take a brochure"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"

3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, "I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions.

4. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, "So you think/believe that I am not interested?"

5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say."

6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, "I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"

Conclusion

Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It's application is contextual and it's not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others.

There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.

"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W.W. Ziege

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Top 5 Ways to Be Assertive and Confident

Could you benefit from building self confidence? Do you think a few tips on how to be assertive might help you? Even people who seem outwardly confident can sometimes lack inner confidence.

Being confident is a great feeling that we could all surely use a bit more of! Today I want to talk about some ways of building self confidence.

To achieve goals in life, these are two valuable character traits. While some people seem to be born assertive and confident, the rest of us can learn these coveted characteristics.

Self help books fly off the shelves of bookstores.  They're the most common books on request at libraries. From business people to housewives, people are looking for ways to improve their lives, and the most sought after self help books are those on how to be assertive and confident.

During job interviews, potential employers look for essential qualities in prospective employees. Assertiveness and confidence are high on the list. People we admire in the business world are often seen as confident and assertive.

Here are the top 5 ways to become more confident and more assertive:

1. Become informed.

One of the best methods of being confident and assertive is to know your subject matter. No matter what the situation is, the more you know, the more confident you'll be.

* Be prepared for potential questions on your subject matter. A good idea is to have a trusted coworker help you identify common questions and answers. You will gain confidence in front of others when you first brainstorm and practice with someone you are comfortable with.

* It doesn't matter if it's a job interview or a presentation to your peers, knowing what you're speaking about will give you that aura of confidence you desire.

2. Overcome shyness.

Shyness can range from healthy to overwhelming and debilitating. Shyness is not the same as having low self esteem. Many shy people have a very positive image of themselves, but they lack assertiveness and confidence. If you're shy, you can practice these techniques to overcome your shyness:

* Practice speaking. People who are shy often dislike the sound of their own voices. Practicing speeches in front of a mirror or with trusted friends will help you gain the confidence you need.

* Visualization. Positively visualize situations and circumstances before experiencing them. This will give you a better "what if" scenario, and help you be better prepared for any variation.

* Reinforce the positive. This is a way of thinking yourself out of being shy. By using affirmations to assert your positive characteristics, you can convince yourself that you are brilliant and worthy of great things. After all, sometimes the hardest person to convince is you!

3. Model your behavior after people you admire.

Chances are the people you admire have the assertiveness and confidence you're looking for in your own life.

* Pay attention to what they say and how they say it.

* Watch their body language.

* Observe how they do things.

Studying people who have the traits you crave is one of the best ways to create those very same traits in yourself.

4. Learn the difference between being aggressive and assertive.

People respond better to an assertive person rather than an aggressive person.

* Aggressive people are seen as bullies who approach a problem with harsh criticism. They would say someone is doing a project "all wrong," for example.

* An assertive person, on the other hand, approaches the same situation with concerns and ideas to improve the project.

* Your goal should be to approach people with positive attitudes and solutions to problems. If you respect others and treat them as you want to be treated, you'll have the same courtesy returned to you.

5. Speak up.

Speak with confidence even if you don't feel confident. Practice speaking this way. The more you practice the more it will become second nature.

First and foremost, you must believe in yourself and your abilities. Keep in mind that some of our greatest leaders didn't start out being assertive and being confident. George Washington was too shy to talk to people growing up but he changed his ways, and so can you!

Being confident and assertive can enable you to achieve your goals with ease, whatever they may be.

Building self confidence will be easier if you use my tips on how to be assertive. Remember, being confident will get you a long way in life!

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