Are You Humble or Vain?

Many of us are raised into believing that humility, modesty and inner values are virtues. - And that those are superior and contradictory to being vain, selfish, and superficial.

That money not only can't buy you love, but it's the root of all evil. That we're not supposed to think too highly of ourselves, and that wanting more than your average peer is "vain", "selfish" and "greedy".

... And I say that's all a huge load of life-denial.

Want six-pack abs? Of course you do!

Want a pimped-out car? Cool!

Want to be rich? Well, who doesn't?!

Want to eat out at fancy restaurants every week? Well, count me in!

Sadly, there's a prevalent way of thinking that allegedly, only weak individuals who try to cover up low confidence strive for these things. And that the two are incompatible contraries.

However, I've found the opposite to be true.

Whether you can have a humble outlook and still cultivate outer values is a matter of confidence. Because confidence is a matter of personal growth, and being able to contain presumed differences and paradoxes.

I used to think that nothing made any sense because nothing has any inherent meaning or value, and therefore, nothing mattered. And so, it didn't matter what I did or whether I felt good, so I might as well feel miserable.

Today, I KNOW that nothing makes sense, has any meaning or value - so we have to apply our own meaning and value. I KNOW that my existence is as objectively pointless as any other human being's. - But also, I sure do know what I like. So I'll have some more of that while I'm here, thank you.

Non-fidence often entails envy of other people's fortune. With thinking in terms of scarcity, pettiness and settling - rather than abundance, admiration and ambition.

When you see successful people driving cool cars, dining at expensive restaurants, working out to get slim and fit, and whatnot, those things are assuredly a reflection of confidence. - Feeling that you're worth something, and that it's totally cool to have nice things because why shouldn't you be allowed to?

"But they're only brief values, not permanent ones!"

... And??

Whenever we eat anything, it's a passing pleasure. And, for that matter, whenever we have sex, watch a movie, get drunk, have fun and all-round entertain ourselves. Life CONSISTS of passing moments and sensations: Why not make sure they're enjoyable?

Don't get me wrong. We should, ideally, feel good about ourselves no matter what we do. But I believe it goes the other way, too.

I believe that the things we do should also make us feel good. If someone else considers them "vain", so what?

Just because you feel good doesn't make it right. I know. But that in itself sure doesn't make it wrong, either.

We're here once. (And there's no sensible reason to believe otherwise until someone presents sufficient evidence.) So for goodness' sakes let's go ahead and make that one time worth looking back upon.

ACTION ITEM:

Indulge yourself. Do something you've been wanting to do, but didn't because you thought it might be too vain or selfish.

If you want to be worth it, go ahead and think that you are. That's how we grow a little.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Are-You-Humble-or-Vain?&id=9733248

Humility - Where's the Good in It?

People often equate humility with submissiveness, low self-esteem and low confidence. Not qualities suited to say being a leader or entertainer.

However, Jim Kong Kim (President of the World Bank) is a leader who recognises the value of humility. He says it allows him to ask for coaching of new personal skills and request feedback on his performance from his subordinates.

Sure, cockiness and arrogance can lead us into trouble. An inflated ego, showing off and seeking admiration can create high expectations that one cannot fulfil. But is a positive sense of self-respect, confidence and assertiveness that are not taken too far, actually compatible with humility? Can humility be a good thing?

Features of humility

So what do we mean by humility? You may associate humility with shameful experiences. I can recall many years ago on holiday waking up in my tent alone. My two sleeping companions were elsewhere. We had been drinking vodka the evening before and I couldn't remember going to bed. But I was shocked to see I must have thrown up in the tent. I had to eat humble pie when I met up with my mates.

There seems to be several key features of humility according to June Tangney, professor of psychology, George Mason University

An accurate sense of one's skills

The willingness to acknowledge mistakes, and gaps in one's knowledge

An openness to advice and new ideas, even if they contradict one's assumptions.

A capacity to 'forget' the self.

An appreciation of the value of all things.

Humility and inferiority

It can't be a bad thing to be able to take an honest and even-handed look at oneself - warts and all. Seems like this doesn't require a sense of inferiority to others. The truth about oneself is solid rock - rather than shifting sand - on which one can start to build one's character.

In fact a sense of inferiority may hinder humility. Psychologist Dr. Julie Exline points out:

"People may need a secure sense of personal worth before they can tolerate an honest assessment of their strengths and weaknesses."

You don't need to feel inferior to others in order to humbly see yourself as a relatively small part in the larger scheme of things perhaps in comparison to the universe.

Are you willing to learn from others - your friends, work-mates, family members? And can you give credit where it is due? Those who are humble will not need to put others down to feel better about themselves. Also can you admit it when you need help?

Humility and pride

If you are an unassuming soul you probably may not impress people on first meeting. But they will probably take to you more than to the proud overbearing type of individual who doesn't have the humility to admit when he's wrong about something or whose boasting and showing off will eventually lose him friends.

Such an individual:

"places merit in good deeds.. and believes that all good originates in himself." (Emanuel Swedenborg, spiritual philosopher)

People like this tend to think they deserve rewards on the basis of what they see as their own worth. Yet doesn't true happiness come from wanting to do what is good and useful without having any concern with being well thought of by others or remunerated?

Swedenborg reports on a vision he experienced. He saw people cutting wood. They carried on doing this without tiring. This was their delusion.

"They seem to themselves to be cutting wood. This is exactly how it appears to them. I have spoken to them. When they are doing their work and are asked whether they are not tired out, they reply that they have not yet done enough work to be able to merit heaven." (Emanuel Swedenborg)

He says that these people had confirmed themselves in the idea that they deserved credit for the good things they had done in life. Consequently, they believed they could save themselves from unhappiness and suffering by their own efforts alone. We are told that because they had led a conscientious life this mistaken belief would eventually start to fade and they would stop the wood cutting and be taken care of.

Humility and awareness of one's limitations

Clearly we are all obliged to deal with the problems of living by making our own choices and trying to make the best of things. People who are aware of their own limitations soon realise that, of themselves, they can achieve very little. They are the first to put their hands up into the air and say - sorry I can't do this without assistance. I need ideas and support from colleagues, family, friends. Even help from a force for good that is beyond my own limitations.

Have you ever had a feeling of surprise and admiration, evoked by an experience that is in some way inexplicable or that surpasses expectation? Perhaps it was something of the mystery of life or a fresh insight into familiar thing. By reminding us of our own limitations, a sense of wonder may lead to humility, reverence, and an appreciation of things that are greater than ourselves.

Humility of a tree branch

If you know anything about orchards you will know that one needs to cut off any withering branch of a tree not producing fruit. Might as well throw away and burn it for all the good it does. Also one should prune those branches that are okay so that they will produce more fruit. The obvious point is that no branch can bear fruit by itself. It must remain attached to the trunk.

Isn't it the same with each of us? I would like to make the suggestion that it's no use trying to live life as if we are unattached to the source of life. No good trying to go it alone. The branch needs to remain connected so that the tree's energy and nourishment is working in the branch.

Isn't the tree of life the source of our deeper motives and ideas? Some would say this spiritual source can be recognised as a cosmic love and wisdom that pervades the universe, if only we would acknowledge and receive its inflow.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Humility---Wheres-the-Good-in-It?&id=9799584

With Self-Confidence And Humility, Go For Your Dreams and Goals Guilt Free (By James Nussbaumer)

During my thirties I spent much time in the Clearwater, Florida area, not only expanding my business practice as a financial advisor, but also playing some good golf.

The golf course proved to be a great place to meet with other business professionals in their own spare time, and to take advantage of the Florida sunshine.

I could see that this nice man, about my same age, had undoubtedly been at the game of golf for many years.

One lovely sunny afternoon at Lansbrook Golf Course in Palm Harbor, while grinding away at my own swing on the driving range, perhaps fantasy about my own goals and dreams, I met Jon Phillips.

Even an inexperienced golfer, someone who had never touched a golf club before, would be able to spot a talent as Jon played.

It couldn't have looked any finer.

I watched in amazement as he used his small, slender frame to pound ball after ball off the practice tee, just as precisely as possible.

To reach for goals and go for your dreams is essential for gaining confidence in all that you pursue in life. Doing so guilt free and all loving, regardless of what others may think you should otherwise do, helps your character shape up nicely and gives you a sense of accomplishment.

A Course in Miracles states, "Love is not learned. Its meaning lies within itself."

No golfer could have developed a swing like his without years of devotion to the craft.

Learn the law of attraction for your dreams and goals

I accepted, and discovered by talking with others in that group of great guys that Jon was considered by many to be one of the best golfers not only in the area, but in the entire state of Florida.

The two of us were soon off to a good start at par in a great friendship.

I soon learned that Jon's real goals and dreams were in taking his self-built small communications company to a greater level. At the time the company was barely funding his golfing addiction, as well as supporting a lovely family and personal life.

Jon had won all of the local tournaments "hands down," over and over, and several trophies from state and regional events as well, never having declared himself to professional status.

They wanted to help

Some affluent area business owners formed a group to offer Jon financial backing, urging him to head to the pro circuit. They wanted to help him pursue the PGA Tour. These guys--mostly older men, some retired--could see themselves in Jon.

After a couple of rounds of golf together, Jon invited me to become a regular in his Monday and Thursday golf league that played at other courses in addition to Lansbrook, which I was calling my home golf course.

There was nothing in it financially for them. They just wanted to see a local talent prove himself in the big time golf world, a chance they wished they 'd had themselves in their younger golfing days.

This league was competitive and helped me to gain confidence in my game.

His humility

I would often notice others trying to make Jon feel guilty, and they would talk behind his back about not understanding why he would not take advantage of this offer--"the chance of a lifetime" as they saw it.

Jon's likability blueprint and humble nature and personality had "champion" projected within a guilt-free halo over his head. Jon would not accept their grand sponsorship and he let go of the idea. All he would say with humility was that it was "not what he wanted."

This would be a dream come true for almost all exceptional and serious golfers at Jon's level of play; but the offer was only for Jon, and not for anyone else.

You would see why this good-hearted group of men wanted to help him if you'd ever met Jon. He seemed to understand miracle manifestation in a modern-day sense.

The same individuals who criticized and judged Jon for this would try to project an image of him as lacking belief in himself.

Never a scarcity mentality

He could quickly and easily let go of the past. This man was a "player." He was always the finest of gentlemen when conceding a match, too.

I 'd seen his guilt free composure when lining up an eight-foot, sliding, left-to-right, downhill putt, needed to win a golf match.

I say guilt-free, because I 'd witnessed his confidence level even when some bad luck came his way, for example, causing him to become two strokes down with three holes to play, and needing an "up and downer" from a deep greenside bunker just to stay in contention.

Jon seemed to have reached an inner abundance we'd all like to tap into.

I could see, simply from playing competitive golf with this humble guy that Jon had no reason for overcoming guilt of any size for not accepting the offer, and a lacking or scarcity mentality was not the case.

Jon Phillips had what many of us golfers imagine in our own goals and dreams.

To your dreams and goals guilt free

http://ezinearticles.com/?With-Self-Confidence-And-Humility,-Go-For-Your-Dreams-and-Goals-Guilt-Free&id=9741162

Do You Think You Deserve To Have It Better Than You Do? (By Kate Strong)

Entitlement

About 6 years ago a psychologist said to me that I may have an entitlement schema. I didn't know what she was talking about because I had had a hard life, and I couldn't see where I was thinking I was entitled.

A few months ago I was reading a book by Caroline Myss and she wrote something that resonated with the core of me. She wrote " Believing you deserve something means that you think you are entitled. I am entitled to heal; I am entitled to guidance; I am entitled to an easy life. Entitlement is a self-inflicted form of suffering... never approach God with an expectation, either. You do not deserve to be healed because you prayed, you do not deserve to have your prayers answered because you are a good person. To believe in entitlement and divine obligation is to ask for self-inflicted suffering."

Say what?

That really rattled me. Why else was I praying or believing that I could heal. That I deserved to heal. That God was a loving God?

Wasn't it natural that we pray for what we want?

I did want an easy life. Who doesn't?

I've been through a lot. I'd had enough and I just wanted a bit of peace, was that too much to ask?

Easy Life

Then after my friend died I felt really sorry for myself. Yet another blow.

I don't believe that I have to be a good person in order to have good things happen to me, like a martyr. I don't approach healing or the Divine like a child having eaten all my vegetables and can I now have a treat. If I just be good enough or suffer enough.

But I have wanted an easy life.

Victim Mentality

I also really did start to see how this sense of entitlement was causing me to think like a victim. I hadn't seen myself as a victim, because I had spent my life doing things to overcome the things that I've been through in my life. But, I was full of self-pity. Not grief. But pity as a dampener of my spirit.

What Fitness Is Teaching Me

My goal at the moment is to get fit. I want to lower my blood pressure and come off meds. I've done a lot of healing on this issue and still low blood pressure eludes me.

And then I got it.

I got how feeling I wanted to have an easy life, was the issue. How I felt like I should have had it different than it was, was keeping me stuck. That my friend shouldn't have died, that I should have had more love as a child, or kinder supportive husbands.

Only if...

I'm not entitled to jack shit. I don't mean that in a low self esteem way. But who says I shouldn't be busting my arse getting fit. Who says I shouldn't be taking blood pressure medication. And that I deserve to heal.

Narcissism

Its part of western society thinking too, if we move up the ranks from working class to royalty we get it easier. If we make it in Hollywood and have more money we've made it. We have more entitlement and therefore more freedom.

That's the illusion.

Humility

I'm not entitled to happiness. Handed to me on a silver platter. I have to make my happiness. I have to walk those miles to get fit. I have to love myself now. Maybe I was never meant to have the love I wanted as a child, for whatever Divine reason.

Maybe the injustice I've felt, and wanting it to be different, is what's created more of the same. I never liked comparing myself to others and being grateful for what I had, because others had it worse. It felt shaming to me.

But, I am starting to feel the power now that I had thought I would feel if I had been given what I wanted to be given to start with.

Maybe its making lemons into lemonade, but its not whinging that I didn't get lemonade to begin with.

Positive Motivation

I have more of a sense of determination now than I did before. I have wanted to find positive motivation instead of being motivated by fear.

I've set myself a goal to walk a certain track on the hillside here in Christchurch, I decided if it takes me a year to do it, then so be it. That I will do what it takes to accomplish my goal, and not give up because it should be easier than it is. Or that I should have less fear and ideally be off medication.

Before Enlightenment Chop Wood, After Enlightenment Chop Wood

I think praying to God and asking for what we want, or expecting any kind of healing, is still an OK expectation, but doing so without the sense of entitlement has more of an approach of sincerity and purity about it. It also means you're not asking passively and powerlessly, but more actively and gratefully.

My prayer would now sound something like "Please help me to put one foot in front of the other." Whatever the conditions. As opposed to wanting better shoes, or it to be warmer or easier.

Do you give up putting in the effort because you think it's easier for others, or it should be easier for you?

http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Think-You-Deserve-To-Have-It-Better-Than-You-Do?&id=9615441

Humility Commands Respect

Humility Commands Respect, for it is often seen as a virtue, in contrast to other forms of pride and arrogance. Not everyone is humble for the fact that we all know. Humans tend to take pride in their worldly possessions by flaunting them when their wealth is the epitome of their glory. For those in power or authority, they will never hesitate to flex their muscles, in the face of opposition. Yet, how many of us are humble enough to make a stand and admit our mistakes when we are wrong? If for one moment, we can declare by means of actions, not words... that "I am humble," which in itself can command respect, even admiration from those around us.

When in the wrong, be humble and be the first to admit the mistake and apologize, so that any conflicts or tensions, can be resolved amicably. Now, that is the Power of Humility! Being arrogant can only cause problem or trouble which we must avoid at all costs. Good leaders typically exhibit good traits that include strength, wisdom, charisma, enthusiasm and vision. The opposite can be said of bad leaders who are selfish, self-centered, arrogant, conceited, corrupted and evil.

Leaders are more powerful when they are humble. Perhaps the world's most humble leader--humbly steps down after five years and he is Uruguay President Jose Mujica. Uruguayans call their outgoing president simply as "Pepe"! Though he is the head of state, he refuses to dress in pomp, ride in a limousine nor resides in a presidential palace. Such is his humility!

Ways that Humility can make us a better person or leader include:-

1. Be open to people's opinions - Managers who possess traits of humility, tend to seek input from their colleagues to ensure that they have all the facts, in order to make decisions that are in the best interests of their team. People would like to work for those who value their opinions, rather than ignore or dismiss them.
2. Tend to the needs of others - Caring about the environment in which you are living or your team is working, is to ensure that they have what they need to do a good job.
3. Admit mistakes - To err is human but to admit our mistakes, is to be humble. Not only do we admit our mistakes but we must be able to rectify them accordingly.
4. Accept ambiguity - Know when to take charge and when to let go. Try not to force anything to go your way and belittle others.
5. Focusing on the needs of others - Focus not on your needs, but also on others at home and at work. This will provide a better understanding and communication.

At times, it is vital to admit that you don't know the best answer and be humble to say that until you have the best information to make a decision or change, you will have to wait to find out. No one is infallible, except God.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Humility-Commands-Respect&id=9720051

Do These 6 Things to Be More Humble

Humility is a quality that can effect powerful positive change in your life. Here’s how to cultivate it.

As virtues go, humility is pretty unpopular. Being paid the “humble” compliment can be worse than when a woman gives her romantic partner the “you’re a nice guy” let down. But many positive psychologists feel that humility is due for an image makeover.

Part of the reason humility has been so overlooked as valuable and honorable is practicality. After all, it’s hard to measure how humble a person is. If researchers ask someone to assess her own humility and the self-rating is five out of five stars, how humble can she really be? This paradox of humility is why you probably haven’t heard of it as a “regular”—up there with gratitude, optimism and compassion—in the science of happiness. It’s difficult to quantify and study.

Humility also has another public relations challenge: It’s not exciting. We might appreciate the trait in others—we don’t feel threatened by unassuming people—but in ourselves? Eh. We’d rather be confident and bold. We’ll take that spotlight, thank you very much. Humility doesn’t have the Oprah-worthy, leather-bound gratitude journals, nor does it feature optimism’s sunny, iconic smiley face, nor the heartwarming imagery of compassion.

But humility could effect just as powerful a positive change in your life as the other pillars of well-being. Higher levels of humility have been associated with a higher sense of life purpose, better (self-reported) health, increased workplace harmony, longer-lasting marriages and greater generosity—all of which contribute to stronger communities. And that’s sort of the point of humility: It’s for the good of all, not just oneself (another reason it’s been a tough sell). “Humility is a very pro-social quality,” says Joshua Hook, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of North Texas.

But if you don’t want to cultivate humility for the sake of others, do it for your love life. In one study, Hook and other researchers asked college students to check out the online-dating profile of a potential romantic partner and assess the likelihood that they would accept a date with the person. Along with an essay about interests and history, the profile included measurements of various personality traits such as extroversion, openness to new experiences, neuroticism and humility. One group was shown a profile of someone who was rated “highly humble” (ranked in the 87th percentile). A second group was shown the exact same profile, but with a “not humble” (24th percentile) rating. Overwhelmingly, the students who were given the more humble candidate were significantly more willing to accept a date than those shown the not-so-modest match. “When you don’t always need to be right, relationships are smoother and can be more intimate,” Hook says.

Research on the personal benefits of humility is still in its nascent stage, Hook says, but he is confident that the humility-happiness connection will be proved even stronger. These strategies can help you cultivate humility for yourself, for your partners at work and home, and for the world at large.

1. Ask for feedback.

Humility can be defined two ways, says Don Emerson Davis Jr., Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Georgia State University and director of its Humility and Advancement of Positive Psychology Interventions (HAPPI) Lab. Interpersonally, humility involves an outlook that is other-oriented rather than self-focused. On a personal level, though, humility involves an accurate view of the self. Ask several close friends to be really honest about three things they appreciate about you and three areas where you might need some growth. It’s OK to be proud of your strengths, Davis says, as long as you acknowledge—and work on—your weaknesses.

2. Confront your prejudices.

As a class exercise in humility, Hook encourages his students to identify an area of diversity or culture that they struggle with or admittedly know little about. One of his students, for example, felt uncomfortable with elderly people and held strong opinions about what it meant to be older. As her class assignment, she visited a nursing home and interviewed the residents there about their past and current lives. “The intention should be to listen and learn,” he says, “not to argue or prove a point or confirm your suspicions.” If you have negative views about, say, a particular religion, ask to interview a practitioner or attend a service. Then look for similarities rather than differences. “Humility is all about having an open mind,” Hook says.

3. Start with a question.

Paul Shoemaker, author of Can’t Not Do: The Compelling Social Drive That Changes Our World and founder of Social Venture Partners, a network of leaders supporting social change around the world, says he starts any meeting with a question instead of a solution. It takes humility to show what you don’t know instead of what you do, but “one good question is worth 100 good answers,” he says. “Humility creates more oxygen in the room. It allows for others to participate and come together and make a change. If you think you already know everything or act like you do, other people will check out, and things won’t get done as quickly or as well.”

4. Really listen.

You can ask thousands of questions, but if you don’t listen to the responses, it won’t do any good. Listening does not obligate you to agree (nor does humility make you a passive doormat), but it does help dial down your own pride. Yours is not the only way of thinking or doing. After someone shares an opinion or experience, take a moment to digest what he or she said before you speak.

5. Accept setbacks.

Let yourself be humbled by your experiences, Shoemaker advises, because “if you don’t get your butt handed to you every now and then, you’re probably not deep enough in the work or the cause to make a real difference.” Humility allows you to accept challenges without the fear of failure. And when those failures inevitably come, he says, use what you learned to do it better next time.

6. Discover awe.

Take notice of and express gratitude for the world’s beauty and wonder. Most simply put, being humble is recognizing that you are not the hub of the universe. It’s hard to maintain your self-centeredness when gazing up at the stars or into a newborn’s eyes. 

http://www.success.com/article/do-these-6-things-to-be-more-humble