Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts

Break Free From Shyness - Live the Life You Deserve (By Fiona Gray)

Did you ever see the film East is East? It is a British Comedy-drama about the Khan family, set in Salford in 1971. The character that stood out for me was the youngest brother Sajid. Sajid is the shy brother who always wore a green Parka Coat. I too use to use hide inside a large thick multi-coloured coat with the green hood pulled up in all weathers. My sister's friends use to laugh at me, they could always see the hood just above the hedges, as I walked past their house to the shops.

So what was going on for me? I was incredibly shy, extremely self-conscious thinking everyone was looking at me, I had zero self-esteem and what I now realise was a certain level of social anxiety. That coat was my protection from what I perceived to be a hostile and dangerous world. What I didn't realise then, is that I was not alone. The royal college of psychiatrist's states 2% of men and 3% of women suffer from shyness. Others say the statistics are higher at 7% to 15% of people but this includes those at the milder end of the spectrum. To me, that is still a lot of people.

Society in general doesn't have a problem with shy people. Often, they find shy children cute. Shy people are generally not perceived as a threat and many find the quality attractive because it brings out the nurturing side in us, such as the "strong silent type". Unfortunately for the shy person the "silence" is our way of containing a range of intense feelings such as fear, anger, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, insecurity, self-hate and other vulnerabilities.

These feelings can lead us to withdraw from taking part in life, such as refusing to attend school, not applying for a job because we can't face the interview, never asking someone we find attractive out on a date, not pursuing the career of our dreams, because we take rejection so personally. It is no longer "cute" when we see the young child finding it emotionally painful to make friends at school. There are middle-aged adults that have never left home because they have been too shy and socially anxious to go out and connect with the world.

It is not easy to spot a shy adult because we have become the masters of disguise, or so we think. I built up such a good wall of defence that some people mistook my shyness for "aloofness" or "quietly confident". When I'm feeling particularly vulnerable I can come across outwardly as angry, when inside I just want to run away. Now we all have a socially acceptable device called the mobile phone, allowing us to hide away in public.

How to break free from shyness and live a fulfilling life? First, find out what you really love to do or what you are good at. For some people, sports could be the way to go. You might have to shop around to find the sport that suits you, it could be a team sport or simply running. What works for one person might not work for another so keep on trying. Your thing might be poetry or singing anything that gets your interest. For me it was Dance, I had a great teacher at school that could see that I really enjoyed the lessons and she told me about the Manchester Youth Dance Theatre, the freedom I felt while dancing changed my life.

I am still shy in some situations, it doesn't necessarily leave you completely. Part of breaking free is accepting your shyness without allowing it to hold you back from the things you really want to do.

Once I found my passion I was able to figuratively pull down the hood of my coat, I realised the world was not as scary as I thought. Gradually I was able to take the coat off completely and walked confidently into my future.


https://ezinearticles.com/?Break-Free-From-Shyness---Live-the-Life-You-Deserve&id=9898589

What Are Meta-Feelings?

One of the biggest thing I learned when overcoming social anxiety was what Meta-Feelings (Meta-Emotion) were and how to deal with them.

Meta-Feelings basically are your feelings about your feelings. Or your reactions, thoughts, cognitions about your feelings.

History

Meta-Emotion was a term coined in the late 90s by Gottman, Katz and Hooven. It referred to how parents talked to their children about their feelings. We can have parents who emotionally coached us, and were OK about our emotions, and welcomed talk and sharing about them. Or we can have parents who dismiss, shame, discourage, disapprove of emotions and did what it takes to stomp out an emotion in the room.

Those reactions are internalised and become the way we relate to our own feelings and the feelings of others.

I use the words feelings and emotions interchangeably.

4 Types of Meta-Emotion

We can have 4 types of meta-emotions:

A study was done and concluded "Meta-emotions can be classified into four types:

negative-negative (e.g., feeling embarrassed about feeling sad),

negative-positive (e.g., feeling guilty about feeling happy),

positive-positive (e.g., feeling hopeful about feeling relieved),

positive-negative (e.g., feeling pleased about feeling angry),"

"In our study, negative-negative meta-emotions were the most common type. This indicates that many people get upset, nervous, or angry about their own negative emotions, in particular."

Not Making Headway in Therapy

I found that until I understood this concept I didn't make much headway in therapy. What meta-feelings do is lock the original feeling in place. You have to work on the meta feelings first in order to release the feelings you want to deal with. Often times just transmuting the meta-feelings released a lot of the underlying feelings as well.

I'm Such A Loser

This was one of the loudest voices in my head. Anytime I did anything that wasn't perfect, I told myself I was a loser. Anytime I glimpsed at my issues I felt so deflated and depressed because I hadn't overcome anything. But. My issues were being locked in because of how I talked to, and felt about myself.

I don't hear that voice in my head today.

So working on your relationship to your feelings, and being kind and accepting of them is paramount to healing yourself.

Helpful Modalities

Other than EFT which is what I used to work on when I had social anxiety, I learned focusing for a few years. It's completely changed the way I related to my feelings. I learned it from Emily Agnew and Ann Weiser Cornell. I will write about focusing in the coming weeks.


https://ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-Meta-Feelings?&id=10448128

Social Anxiety Medications

A fairly ‘new’ anxiety, Social Anxiety disorder was overlooked for quite a long while by the medical community as it was often confused with shyness. That being said, the drug companies haven’t been backward and there are as many Social Anxiety medications on the market as there are other anxiety medications although truly most anti anxiety drugs are suitable for all types of anxiety disorders. Only a very few drugs are completely anxiety specific, so a general mild anti anxiety medication will probably work just as well as specific Social Anxiety medications.

What is social anxiety, you ask? Well, to put it simply you fear certain social situations and will go to any lengths to avoid them. This doesn’t necessarily follow that you’ll be of a retiring nature and that you won’t like social gatherings. It only means that certain specific social situations lead you to feel anxiety and sometimes to experience panic attacks. So whereas a person with a shy disposition might shirk all social gatherings, you could be the life of the party one minute with all eyes on you and loving it and the next minute something could happen to bring about your Social Anxiety. Perhaps you find yourself in a humiliating situation or you find yourself in a position from which you can’t remove yourself and that’s when your Social Anxiety symptoms will all kick in at once drowning you in their viselike grip. So what can you do about it?

First rest assured that you can generally use Social Anxiety medications to treat your condition, but it’s always a good idea to make certain that you truly are suffering from Social Anxiety and not just plain shyness. So here are a few symptoms for you to look out for when next you find yourself in that position.

Fear of being socially humiliated, fear of being embarrassed, heightened feelings of awareness, shortness of breath, sweaty hands, trembling and twitching. If you experience palpitations, nausea and lightheadedness, along with feelings of incompetence and extreme cases of anxiety as well then there’s a good chance that you suffer from Social Anxiety or Social Phobia as it’s also known. These symptoms might seem like normal ‘shy person’ symptoms but they only become Social Anxiety symptoms when they’re experienced in the extreme end of the spectrum of feelings.

Social Anxiety medications however can fix these problems easily especially if caught in the early stages so you need not suffer for too long. However if you’re unwilling to get on the medication bandwagonArticle Search, there are always alternative treatments available for you. Therapy can also be a viable alternative to Social Anxiety medications and can help you greatly. Talk with your doctor about all your alternatives and find the right one for you. Social situations need not be embarrassing or excruciatingly painful affairs; and who knows you might just find yourself enjoying yourself for the first time in a long while if you can find the correct suitable cure for yourself.


http://www.articlesfactory.com/articles/health/social-anxiety-medications.html

So You Have a Problem - Deal With It!

We have all heard specific statements over and over again. "Things are likely not going to change until you do something". "The first step to healing is acknowledgement. "Secrets form dysfunction". "There is no maintenance in life. You are either moving forward or moving backward".

We have heard them but don't always apply them at a personal level.

Let's consider some of the areas where you might be struggling: 
1. Communication - Many people suffer with social anxiety and, because of this, feel like they are isolated and unable to develop healthy relationships. Others find it difficult to understand or express their thoughts and feelings in a way that they are understood. Everyone has communication issues at times because people are complex. Perhaps you are having problems at work, in your social environment or with family members. 
2. Finances - Are you spending too much? Perhaps you do not have enough income to pay for your regular expenses. There is a big difference between "wants" and "needs" but very little training about how to be wise about money. Maybe you just want some good, solid advice about how to invest so that you will have a worry-free retirement. 
3. Relationships - Each of us takes our own history and expectations with us wherever we go. This can lead to clashes with others who do not agree or perhaps even seem to be "out to get us". Relationships are important but complex. 
4. Addictions - When a person uses a substance or activity for the wrong reasons, difficulties arise. Denial, however, can prevent individuals from realizing how their life and relationships are being negatively impacted. Often I hear clients tell me that they don't have a drinking or drug problem but their life is in shambles. 
5. Sex - Too much; too little; in the wrong place; with the wrong person; or can't? Sexual issues can include healthy, addictive or anorexic behaviours. 
6. Parenting - It would be lovely if there was a magic wand or book with all the answers but there isn't. And what complicates things is that each child is unique. Trying to parent in isolation can be a lonely and dangerous enterprise. 
7. Health - Physical problems are often accompanied by pain and hopelessness. It is the same with mental health issues such as depression. The difference is that often people who have an observable physical problem is treated differently than someone with a thought or mood disorder. 
8. Extended Family - "Should", "must", and "have to" messages can form the bars of our emotional cages. Often a lack of boundaries and controlling personalities cause problems, especially when children become adults and begin forming their own families.

If you are experiencing a problem in any of these or other areas you can: 
1. Do nothing knowing that things will not get better (and perhaps get worse). 
2. Research and implement strategies to improve your situation. 
3. Seek professional help. Most people have access to insured or government services.

Hiding a problem or wishing it would go away will likely not be effective choices. Instead, call a psychologist today and set an appointment so that you can discuss the healthy options that are available for you.

http://ezinearticles.com/?So-You-Have-a-Problem---Deal-With-It!&id=9634152

Let's Find Out How to Survive Stress



Let's face it; whether you're a busy homemaker or a high flying executive, today's popular mind-set is to be as busy as possible with nearly every hour and minute crammed with some kind of work. Yet the day-to-day pressure can build into chronic stress, which if ignored, can be detrimental to our mind, body, and spirit.

The Body

While most of us have stress in some form, an unhealthy response to stress happens when the demands of the stressor exceed an individual's coping ability. While stress is actually a psychological state of mind, as it considerably affects our physiological state. "In a classical stressful situation, certain stress hormones such as cortisol are released which increases the heartbeat, sweating, uneasiness, and the urge to urinate," with the initial indicator usually manifesting as an inability to sleep. In the long run this leads to problems such as indigestion, acidity, ulcers, low-back pains, high-blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, high cholesterol, depression, headaches, and fatigue, to name a few. Long-term stress also affects our immunity and reduces our disease-fighting capacity.

In Teens

While the teenage years can be highly stressful, some typical stressors include: stress from school, social anxiety, and depressive feelings - for example, not belonging, self-harm and other dysfunctional coping strategies. Another big one, particularly pertinent to today, is social media inappropriateness. While teens and adults overlap in how they cope with stress, the only difference is that adults express stress verbally while teens tend to isolate themselves during times of high stress. "This is because teenagers are unable to properly manage their stress due to a lack of healthy coping skills,".

Negative Implications

If the stress is not caught and addressed in time, teenagers may utilize reckless and destructive behaviors, substance abuse, and physical violence as unhealthy coping skills. Teenagers' academic and extra-curricular progress may also deteriorate if stress is not handled appropriately.

Getting a Grip on Teen Stress

Maintaining effective communication with your teen and adopting healthy coping skills are the two most effective ways to manage with stress.

1. Be available - make some time no matter how busy the schedule is - structure opportunities into daily life. Spending time with your teen shows them that you care even though they are pushing you away.

2. Be realistic and flexible in your expectations but praise effort more than just results.

3. Be patient and consistent during their developmental phase - they are changeable and trying to make sense of their place in the world - they can defy reason and sense sometimes.

4. Do not minimize their feelings in hopes of them "getting over it". Their feelings are real and affecting them in ways that need to be addressed.

5. Be practical and constructive in your approach - they may need your wisdom and organization - even if they say they don't.
You cannot and should not shield them from all stresses and risks. You must set limits as well as consequences to what is acceptable and unacceptable at home, school, and elsewhere.

THE MIND

Stress Reactions

When stress is excessive, it results in one of four reactions- -anxiety, apathy and depression, anger and aggression and cognitive impairment. "Stress can be caused by traumatic events, events which challenge our limits, as well as internal conflicts,". "For example, if your boss criticizes you unfairly, you feel the stress." You want to be able to explain why he/she is wrong but also have a fear of upsetting your boss and this stress or internal conflict causes you to ruminate and these thoughts can very quickly spiral out of control: My boss thinks I'm incompetent; I won't get the promotion I deserve. This series of ruminations results in catastrophic thinking, which can lead to worry, anxiety, feeling depressed and insomnia.

Top Ways to Alleviate Stress

Talk about what is stressing you to someone who listens to you, understands the stress environment and cares about you.

Ruminations create a "pressure-cooker effect". They bounce around creating pressure. Releasing this through talking really helps.

Most relationships in life are reciprocal. It's really important to establish good social networks so that people may be there for us in our hour of need.

It is very important to remove the source of the stress, if possible, by taking control and being active. For example, rather than being a victim of bullying in the workplace, you may choose to either put in a complaint or move post.

Distraction is a useful technique to avoid stress. Taking up a new challenge or a new activity is often very helpful.

MODERN DAY

Electronic Stress

Smart phones, gadgets, and computers all help us stay super connected but at a high price. "Smartphones add hugely to modern day stresses in that the workplace and social media permeate our lives so that we are never really free,". "We are working or socializing 24-hours a day, checking our phones last thing at night and first thing in the morning when research shows that each time we receive an email, we can take up to 20 minutes on average to re-focus on children, partners or other focuses.

Planning

The best way to deal with smartphones is to switch them off when at home; however, this is impractical for some. "The alternative is to have windows of when you check your messages, for example 9 to 9:30pm, and to put it away for the rest of the time," and be sure to avoid using your smartphone one hour before you sleep.

Finding Solutions

Today the aim is on maximizing the usefulness of our time and squeezing as much as we can from every minute of the day. So how can a person find time in the day to destress? We need to learn to tackle the external pressures and even our own inner voices that tell us that to be successful, he says as these are old mind-sets that we have learnt over the years that are no longer relevant. "We must replace these thoughts with new one's that support us in the true value of taking time to de-stress the right way,".

Shelve Your Stress with These Tips



1. Practice Regular Exercise - Exercise impacts a neurotransmitter that works like an antidepressant on your brain while lessening muscle tension.


2. Go Outside - Even five minutes in nature can help reduce stress and boost your mood.

3. Focus on Your Breathing - Ideally you should be breathing primarily through your nose through a simple technique called Buteyko breathing to help you restore beneficial breathing patterns.


4. Participate in Activities - You Enjoy Engaging in a hobby helps you enjoy yourself and take your mind off of stress.


5. Eat Healthy - Schedule time to eat without rushing and be sure to consume fresh, healthy, whole foods.

6. Stay Positive - Keep a list of all that you're grateful for and make a commitment to stop any negative self-talk.

7. Stay Connected - Loneliness can be a major source of stress, so do some volunteering, meet up with friends or take a class to meet others.

8. Take a Break or Meditate - Taking even 10 minutes to sit quietly and shut out the chaos around you can trigger your relaxation response.

The Positive Side of Stress

Is stress something that needs to be reduced, suppressed or avoided? Or can we accept it, use it, and embrace it? It turns out that which one of these mind-sets you hold plays a key role in how the stress in your life affects you.

Mindset

It's not our stress levels that need to change, but our attitude to stress itself, reveals Menon, because how you think about stress and the stress in your life plays a profound role on how it affects your well-being. She explains, "It determines whether the presence of stress in your life is harmful, which can ultimately lead to burnout, depression, and heart disease or whether that stress actually leads to greater well-being and resilience."

The Science

Research shows that when you tell people about the importance of stress mindsets, you encourage them to choose a more accepting and embracing attitude toward the stress in their own lives, suggests Menon and in turn, they actually become healthier, happier, and more productive at work, even in very difficult and stressful circumstances. According to research at Yale University, people who hold more a negative perception of stress and believe it should be reduced or avoided, are more likely to experience what we typically think of as the negative outcomes of stress. They're more likely to have health problems or illnesses, suggests Menon and they're more likely to become depressed and, are less productive at work. "But on the other side, people who hold a more positive and accepting view of stress are protected from the negative effects of

stress, even when their lives are stressful," she tells, and they're healthier and happier. They're doing better at work and they're better able to find meaning in their struggles.

The Question

Therefore, can changing how you think about stress make you healthier? Menon points out that the science says 'yes' - when you change your mind about stress, you can change your body's response to stress. "Research shows that stress is actually enhancing; in one study at University of Wisconsin researchers tracked 30,000 American adults for eight years," she explains, and they found that subjects with a lot of stress had a 43 percent increased risk of dying - but only if they believed stress was harmful. What is surprising is those who experienced a lot of stress but did not view stress as harmful were no more likely to die than the normal population. In fact, Menon reiterates that they had the lowest risk of dying of anyone in the study, including people who had relatively little stress.

The Big Picture

Although stressful experiences are an important part of life, how you think and how you act can transform your experience of stress, Menon says. "When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you can create the biology of courage and resilience," she explains. "Stressful experiences help us learn and grow and they can actually be an opportunity to develop our strengths and choose our priorities."

http://ezinearticles.com/?Lets-Find-Out-How-to-Survive-Stress&id=9442437

3 Fast and Easy Ways to Improve Social Self-Confidence

Believing that you are unacceptable or unlikable socially can be painful. Lack of self-confidence can make you get afraid to interact socially. When in situations where you will be observed by others or where you need to speak in front of a crowd or to strangers you might feel anxious. This might cause you to act awkward. You might avoid eye contact and behave too cautiously. The idea that you are socially unacceptable might get reinforced to you when you feel that other people react strangely towards you.

As the result of the challenges you face you might end up avoiding social contact even though you know being in social places and interacting with others is a big part of any persons' life. We cannot always avoid social situations in living our daily lives. You might get invited to parties where friends are celebrating or by colleagues at work celebrating their birthdays. It is not always possible to avoid interacting socially.

So how do you improve social self-confidence when you do not have it? Before I tell you how, let me start by telling a little story about a rat.

When you have a rat in the house that eats up your tomatoes and messes up your fruits. To catch it, you would need to know how and when and where it operates. You would want to catch it when the house is quite with a piece of cheese in the mouse trap or place a rat poison in places where the rat is likely to hang around.

A similar approach is applicable to improving self-confidence. You need to understand how your mind operates and what patterns you go through so that you can interrupt those patterns and form new ones.

The first trigger is mentally, you get images of you doing something that will cause you embarrassment. What you think is what you feel. Your thoughts cause you to feel anxious. When feeling anxious you respond by avoiding interacting socially and the result is that you lack social self-confidence. To overcome social anxiety therefore you need to influence this pattern. Let's draw how the pattern looks like:

social situation (environment) - images of embarrassment (thought) - anxiety, fear (feelings)- avoidance (response)

We do know that we cannot change the external environment (sometimes you will be in a social situation whether you want to or not). We can only influence ourselves internally in terms of how we respond to the external environment. Constantly trying to avoid social situations may serve as a temporary solution. However, this cannot guarantee long-term success towards improving how you interact socially. What you can change is the thought process, your feelings as well as your responses.

Past failures might have conditioned you to view every social situation that you need to interact in as anxiety triggering. We are human after all human, once we are burned we never want to move near a lit candle. So to help you improve social self-confidence you might first need to forget past failures and try to change how you view social situations first. Here are the 3 ways that I have developed to help you overcome social anxiety and improve social interaction.

1. View social situations as opportunities by recalling past success

Some successful sport teams have a tradition in which they take players through past successes before a cup final. The players get shown previous cup finals before the match and get taken through all the trophies that the team has won before. The past success of the team helps players get motivated to win another cup final for the team. If you ever had past successes interacting socially use this as anchors for yourself. Remember how you successfully delivered a presentation in front of an audience and interacted very well with a stranger. Have you ever been in a situation where you delivered a public speech and did well despite your fear? This is the time to have these memories fresh in your mind. Remembering your past successes and celebrating past victories can help you believe in yourself and be able to overcome present anxiety feelings toward social interactions.

2. Use visualization to empower yourself for social situations

Access the power of your subconscious mind by constantly picturing yourself interacting well socially. This need not take long. Just spending 5 minutes seeing yourself approaching a stranger and having a pleasant conversation or picturing yourself delivering a great presentation publicly can help. Once our mind has been where we want to be, our bodies just need to support us in getting there. By mentally picturing yourself having social self-confidence, you will be able to give yourself better strength to play out your mental images in real life when the situations calls for it. Be careful though, visualization needs to be done before a social interaction. Doing this actively as you are interacting socially might be problematic because it will force you to think about what you are doing. When thinking about what you are doing you are more likely to get anxious. So visualize before social interactions and try as much as you can to remain natural when in social situations.

3. Make social interaction a challenging game of exposure

Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously and this does not help. Improving social anxiety requires you to occasionally have a playful attitude. Use a playful attitude to expose yourself socially. Exposure is scientifically proven to be very effective when it comes to improving social anxiety. I know this is the last thing that you might want to hear because when you are uncomfortable interacting socially the immediate response is to avoid social interaction. However, the more exposure you get interacting socially the better you will become. Aim to start a small conversation every time you are in a social situation with a stranger. This can be as simple as saying hallo to a cashier each time you pay for items in a store or when shopping. Just asking the cashier his/her name and thanking him/her for the service is enough to get you going.

Few of us remember to appreciate cashiers when shopping, you will make their day just showing appreciation and equally improve yourself. Try as much as you can to expose yourself.

Petrol attendants are also good people to interact with in a non-threatening environment to start a conversation. This is better done playfully so that you see it as a challenge instead of getting too serious and reading too much on the results. The more you bring it to your awareness to interact with others the better you will expose yourself and improve how you interact socially.

Spending time with a friend who is not afraid to interact socially might also help in this situation. Human beings learn by seeing also. If your anxiety is specific such as falling in a public place then get a friend to pretend falling in a public space so that you can visually see that the results are not as worse as you thought they would be. Expose yourself without emotional attachment. Use a playful attitude with any friend who is comfortable interacting socially and have fun doing so. Practice makes perfect, this is also true in getting rid of social anxiety.

http://ezinearticles.com/?3-Fast-and-Easy-Ways-to-Improve-Social-Self-Confidence&id=9448989

7 Things People With Social Anxiety Do

6. They criticize their own social skills.



Social anxiety disorder goes beyond being shy or introverted. It involves an extreme fear of social interaction and it interferes with an individual's daily life. The symptoms usually begin around age 13 and persist into adulthood. But most people with social anxiety wait at least 10 years to get help, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.
Whether you think you may have social anxiety, or suspect that someone you know might, here are some of the most common signs:
spass/Shutterstock
Source: spass/Shutterstock
1. They imagine embarrassing themselves.
Whether they're about to meet a new person, or they're walking into a social gathering, people with social anxiety disorder envision horribly embarrassing scenarios. They worry that they'll say or do the wrong thing, and they picture that behavior horrifying other people.
2. They avoid situations in which they'll be judged.
Social anxiety causes people to think things like, "Other people will think I'm stupid," or "I'll mess up and everyone is going to think I'm a loser." Their extreme fear of rejection causes them to steer clear of uncertain social situations whenever possible.
3. They only feel comfortable with a few specific people.
Most people with social anxiety feel comfortable with a few specific individuals—such as a best friend, a parent, or a sibling. Interacting with other individuals can lead to a serious spike in anxiety. Often, taking a "safe" person to the grocery store or a social gathering makes interactions a lot less scary.
4. They worry that other people will notice their fear.
Whether they speak up in a meeting or try to make small talk with an acquaintance, people with social anxiety worry that their anxiety is noticeable. They tend to experience physical symptoms such as a flushed face, sweaty palms, trembling hands or shortness of breath, and they're convinced that everyone else can tell when they're nervous.
5. They experience specific social fears.
For some people with social anxiety, the fear is contained to public speaking. But others experience extreme anxiety over things like writing in front of others or eating in public places. Many people with social anxiety fear talking on the phone as well.
6. They criticize their own social skills.
People with social anxiety spend a lot of time analyzing their social interactions. They replay conversations in their minds over and over and scrutinize their communication. They exaggerate their flaws and judge themselves harshly.
7. Their thoughts often become a self-fulfilling prophecies.
The negative thoughts associated with social anxiety often turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Someone who thinks, "People always think I'm weird," may stick to himself during social engagements. His aloofness may discourage others from talking to him, reinforcing his belief that he's socially awkward.
How to Get Help
Social anxiety is a very treatable condition. Therapy, medication, or a combination of the two can often alleviate the symptoms. If you think you may have social anxiety, talk to your doctor. A physician can rule out medical issues that could be contributing to the symptoms and can refer you for appropriate psychological treatment if necessary.

3 Common Causes of Insecurity and How to Beat Them

15 tools to help you bounce back when you're feeling down about yourself.


Do you find yourself feeling filled with self-doubt and short on confidence? Despite your accomplishments, do you feel like a fraud destined to be exposed? Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that partners will inevitably leave you? Do you stay at home, afraid to venture out and meet new people because you don’t feel you have enough to offer? Do you feel overweight, boring, stupid, guilty, or ugly?
Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity. Following are the 3 most common forms—and how to begin to cope with them.
Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection
Recent events in our lives can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests that up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence. In his book Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday HurtsPsychology Today blogger Guy Winch states that rejection inevitably leads us to see both ourselves and other people more negatively, at least for a time. And those of us who have lower self-esteem to begin with are more reactive to failure. It’s as if an experience like losing your job grabs old negative beliefs about your self-worth and activates them. It may help to understand that failure is a nearly ubiquitous experience: Before becoming president, Abraham Lincoln lost his job, was defeated for nomination to Congress, and failed at least twice in Senate bids. Persevering despite setbacks can lead to eventual successes—which raise your self-esteem.
Below are some tools you can use to overcome failure- or rejection-based insecurity:
  1. Give yourself time to heal and adapt to the new normal.
  2. Get out and engage with life, following your interests and curiosity.
  3. Reach out to friends and family for distraction and comfort.
  4. Get feedback from people you trust.
  5. Persevere and keep moving towards your goals.
  6. Be willing to try a different strategy if necessary.
Type 2: Lack of Confidence Because of Social Anxiety
Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead you to feel anxious and self-conscious. As a result, you may avoid social situations, experience anxiety when you anticipate social events, or feel self-conscious and uncomfortable during them. Past experience can feed your sense of not belonging, not feeling important or interesting, or just not being good enough. Many of my clients describe how being bullied or excluded from a group of friends in middle school or high school continues to negatively affect their confidence as adults. If you grew up with critical parents, or parents who pressured you to be popular and successful, you may also be over-sensitized to how others perceive you. This type of insecurity is generally based on distorted beliefs about your self-worth—and about the extent to which other people are evaluating you. Most of the time, people are more focused on how they are coming across than on judging others. Those who do judge and exclude are often covering up insecurities of their own and so their opinions may be less than accurate; they may value superficial attributes instead of character and integrity.
Below are some tools to combat insecurity in social situations:
  1. Talk back to your inner critic. Remind yourself of all the reasons that you can be interesting and fun or would be a good friend or partner.
  2. Prepare in advance. Think of some things you can talk about—current events, movies you’ve seen, hobbies, your job, or your family.
  3. Avoiding social situation just makes things worse. So go to a party or on a date even if you're nervous. Your anxiety should decrease once you get engaged with others—if not the first or second time, then once you get used to showing up.
  4. Set yourself a limited, realistic goal like talking to two new people or finding out more about one person’s work and hobbies.  
  5. Deliberately focus on others to combat intense self-focus. Put on your observer hat and notice what other people seem to be feeling and doing. Do you notice any similarities or skills you can learn from them?
Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism
Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.
Below are some ways to combat perfectionism:
  1. Try to evaluate yourself based on how much effort you put in, which is controllable, rather than on the outcome, which is dependent on external factors.  
  2. Think about how much difference it would actually make if your work were 10 percent better. Would the time and energy spent in checking and re-checking or answering every email really be worth it?
  3. Perfectionism is often based on all- or nothing thinking, so try to find the grey areas. Is there a more compassionate or understanding way to view a situation? Are you taking your circumstances into account when you evaluate yourself? Is there something you learned or achieved even if the end result wasn’t perfect?
  4. Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you. 
     www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201512/3-common-causes-insecurity-and-how-beat-them

Four Ways your Perception of Others Can Ruin your Life


How you perceive others has everything to do with your mental well-being.
This post will show you how this is the case and give suggestions to improve your moods.
The Austrian philosopher Martin Buber may have been the first to point out the not-so-obvious: Our perception of others has everything to do with self-perception.
How you feel about yourself – moment to moment – is inseparably tied to how you see others.
When you make this connection, you have a new avenue of self-healing. Here are some examples of how it works. We’ll deal with the chicken-egg question that will arise as you read  – at the end of the post.

1. Seeing others as critics.

Imagine going through the world seeing others as overly judgmental. They look down their nose at you, incessantly look for your flaws and think they are better than you.
How would you feel?
Well, judged and criticized at a minimum. You may develop chronic social anxiety. Seeing others this way might lead to an inferiority complex, feelings of ineptitude or worthlessness – and perhaps a feeling of hopelessness.

2. Seeing others as having it all together.

Imagine seeing others habitually as happy, well-adjusted people who don’t have serious problems. They are gliding through life doing very well for themselves and don’t have hang ups and personal issues. They have it all together, obviously!
Seeing others this way might lead you to feel broken. By comparing yourself to others in all their perfection, you will obviously suffer by comparison and feel like a reject; an especially flawed person who obviously doesn’t belong.

3. Seeing others as idiots.

You might see others as total idiots, low IQ numskulls who don’t have much on apes as far as intelligence goes. How do these people even survive? How stupid can you get?
Seeing others this way obviously puts you in an one-up position – and leads you straight into self-righteousness. You’ll think you are better than everyone and that nobody has a right to question you. So, when they do, you’ll get defensive or smug or uppity or take on a ‘how dare you’ attitude. Most people will know you’re self-righteous, too.

4. Seeing others as the means to an end.

In this case, you’ll use others for your purposes, without necessarily appreciating their efforts or sacrifice. Others will be tools in your hand – and only good for your purposes.
Seeing others this way, you’ll most likely see yourself as overly important. Your goals are so special that if others get taken advantage of in the process of achieving them, so be it.
You won’t get much love in return. Others will learn that you’re a user and resent you – so closeness, kinship and intimacy are out the window. You’re likely to feel a deep loneliness, despair or existential depression.
There are so many ways to see others in a negative light. Each way simultaneously adjusts your own attitude accordingly. The consequential thoughts and feelings may be hard to bear.

Chick and egg problem?

Of course we have what appears to be a chicken-egg issue here. Do your feelings of worthlessness, for example, lead you to see others as better-than? Or does seeing others as better-than lead to you feeling worthless?
If you see others as controlling, you’re likely to feel like a puppet on a string. But, which is true? Are others really controlling or are you really just a puppet?
In a way, it’s misleading to believe that one issue comes before the other, as both the puppet and puppet master are part of the same system. All the issues rise as part of the process of perceiving and responding to other people.
And the issues can be addressed from both angles. Work on your individual issues and you will gradually come to see others in a more positive light. Work on seeing others in a more positive light and you will gradually overcome many of your individual issues. It all goes hand in hand.


The 3 Most Common Causes of Insecurity and How to Beat Them

15 tools to help you bounce back when you're feeling down about yourself.



Do you find yourself feeling filled with self-doubt and short on confidence? Despite your accomplishments, do you feel like a fraud destined to be exposed? Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that partners will inevitably leave you? Do you stay at home, afraid to venture out and meet new people because you don’t feel you have enough to offer? Do you feel overweight, boring, stupid, guilty, or ugly?
Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection,loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity. Following are the 3 most common forms—and how to begin to cope with them.
Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection
Recent events in our lives can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests that up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence. In his book Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday HurtsPsychology Today blogger Guy Winch states that rejection inevitably leads us to see both ourselves and other people more negatively, at least for a time. And those of us who have lower self-esteem to begin with are more reactive to failure. It’s as if an experience like losing your job grabs old negative beliefs about your self-worth and activates them. It may help to understand that failure is a nearly ubiquitous experience: Before becoming president, Abraham Lincoln lost his job, was defeated for nomination to Congress, and failed at least twice in Senate bids. Persevering despite setbacks can lead to eventual successes—which raise your self-esteem.
Below are some tools you can use to overcome failure- or rejection-based insecurity:
  1. Give yourself time to heal and adapt to the new normal.
  2. Get out and engage with life, following your interests and curiosity.
  3. Reach out to friends and family for distraction and comfort.
  4. Get feedback from people you trust.
  5. Persevere and keep moving towards your goals.
  6. Be willing to try a different strategy if necessary.
Type 2: Lack of Confidence Because of Social Anxiety
Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead you to feel anxious and self-conscious. As a result, you may avoid social situations, experience anxiety when you anticipate social events, or feel self-conscious and uncomfortable during them. Past experience can feed your sense of not belonging, not feeling important or interesting, or just not being good enough. Many of my clients describe how being bullied or excluded from a group of friends in middle school or high school continues to negatively affect their confidence as adults. If you grew up with critical parents, or parents who pressured you to be popular and successful, you may also be over-sensitized to how others perceive you. This type of insecurity is generally based on distorted beliefs about your self-worth—and about the extent to which other people are evaluating you. Most of the time, people are more focused on how they are coming across than on judging others. Those who do judge and exclude are often covering up insecurities of their own and so their opinions may be less than accurate; they may value superficial attributes instead of character and integrity.
Below are some tools to combat insecurity in social situations:
  1. Talk back to your inner critic. Remind yourself of all the reasons that you can be interesting and fun or would be a good friend or partner.
  2. Prepare in advance. Think of some things you can talk about—current events, movies you’ve seen, hobbies, your job, or your family.
  3. Avoiding social situation just makes things worse. So go to a party or on a date even if you're nervous. Your anxiety should decrease once you get engaged with others—if not the first or second time, then once you get used to showing up.
  4. Set yourself a limited, realistic goal like talking to two new people or finding out more about one person’s work and hobbies.  
  5. Deliberately focus on others to combat intense self-focus. Put on your observer hat and notice what other people seem to be feeling and doing. Do you notice any similarities or skills you can learn from them?
Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism
Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.
Below are some ways to combat perfectionism:
  1. Try to evaluate yourself based on how much effort you put in, which is controllable, rather than on the outcome, which is dependent on external factors.  
  2. Think about how much difference it would actually make if your work were 10 percent better. Would the time and energy spent in checking and re-checking or answering every email really be worth it?
  3. Perfectionism is often based on all- or nothing thinking, so try to find the grey areas. Is there a more compassionate or understanding way to view a situation? Are you taking your circumstances into account when you evaluate yourself? Is there something you learned or achieved even if the end result wasn’t perfect?
  4. Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you. 
     

7 Tips to Get Rid of Social Anxiety



I sat at the end of the sofa. This is the spot I’d been in all night watching people move around the room, and listening to whomever chose to sit next to me talk. This is how I used to inhibit a party. Motionless and quiet, waiting for just the right moment to hurry home.
This was not just my way of dealing with parties. It reflected the way I dealt with much of my life. Too afraid to show the world who I really was, I’d try my best to stay quiet and still. Don’t say too much. Don’t laugh too loudly. Don’t let them know you are anxious. Don’t let them notice that you are different.
Do you ever think you might be the only one whose heart races at the thought of going to a large social gathering? Do you ever wonder if anyone else’s voice shakes when too many people are listening to her talk? Do you ever feel like you’re the only one who would rather not attend a party?
For much of my life I thought I was the only one. Then one day I noticed the slight unsureness in the voice of an acquaintance as he addressed the room at a social event, and I thought maybe he feels it too. I noticed it again as I sat in a fast food restaurant alone eating and I saw a woman I worked with pull into the drive through window to order her lunch and pull into a parking space to sit alone in her car eating. I wondered if she felt it too?
I was an anxious, scared child who grew up to be an anxious, scared adult. The source of much of my anxiety was dealing with social situations.
When you have social anxiety you can feel like you’re alone? Other people put on such brave faces you might wonder how they do it. You might assume that they have never experienced this before, but more people are anxious in social situations than you realize.
My natural tendency is to become a kind of recluse. I could stay in the house for days and see no one and be fine with that. That life is easy, and safe, and tempting to me, but it is too easy. With such ease comes unhappiness.
As human beings we need to be challenged. The pursuit of true happiness requires that we stretch and grow to push ourselves just a bit further than we ever have before. That need to grow and push myself is why I started trying to work my way past my social anxieties.
At first I simply tried to will myself to feel more at ease around people. I made goals to engage in more conversation, but that just made me feel stressed and sad. I was fighting my introverted nature too much. There is nothing wrong with being quiet, as long as that quiet doesn’t come from a place of shame.
I realized that I had to work on my confidence first. Being an introvert wasn’t really the problem. The problem was not feeling like I was good enough. Here are some ways you can build your confidence in life in general and help you rid yourself of social anxiety.
Accept who you are. We are all different. Some of us are extroverts and some are introverts. In our society, it seems as though being an extrovert is more desirable, but in reality both introverts and extroverts are necessary. One is not better than the other. They are simply different.
As an introvert you’re keeping company with the likes of Bill Gate, Albert Einstein, JK Rowling, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Audrey Hepburn and countless others. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you have a disadvantage in life. If you don’t have a lot to say in a conversation that’s fine. Most people really want to be listened too anyway, and you can be a very good listener.
Challenge yourself. Like I said before we need to learn and grow to be happy. Try new experiences. Learn about a new subject. Challenge your fears.
I was very much afraid of speaking in public so I decided to join a Toastmasters group. The first speech I made was terrifying, but it’s gotten easier with time. Now I feel much more confident about my ability to speak in front of others.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. Yes, sometimes we have good reasons to feel afraid, but social situations aren’t usually one of them. Putting myself in a situation where I was speaking in front of a group on a regular basis helped me tremendously. I can’t say that I’m no longer afraid of speaking in public, but I am a lot more comfortable with that nervous feeling that speaking in public gives me. I know it well and am able to ride it out.
Be mindful and present. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. A lot of the times anxiety consists of worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen. Pay attention to the moment and let the future happen. Being present in the moment will help you interact much more effectively with others.
Dress the part. Wearing clothes that make you feel good actually gives you a boost in confidence. Wear clothes that you really like. I used to have a closet of clothes I didn’t like. Then I realized that dressing differently naturally made me stand up a bit straighter and feel better about myself.
Visualize. When you’re feeling anxious about a social situation normally you sit about thinking about how it could go horribly wrong before the event. Stop that. Start doing just the opposite. Visualize how it could go incredibly well.
Realize you’re not the only one. There are lots of people who feel a bit anxious in social situations. I’m sure you’re not the only one in the room.

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/7-tips-get-rid-social-anxiety/