How to Make Engaging Small Talk (And Avoid the Awkward Silences)

If you want to succeed professionally, you'll have to learn how to maintain a good conversation in any situation.

This story first appeared on The Muse, a Web destination with exciting job opportunities and expert career advice

Coming from someone who just graduated from business school, it may seem strange to focus on the skill of small talk. Next to more formal business skills, such as networking and building an elevator pitch, chitchat just doesn’t seem like it should be a top priority. I’ve learned, however, that being a good small talker is absolutely vital to your professional success.

Regardless of your role, you will surely find yourself in professional situations where you have to make conversation with someone you don’t know well (or at all), whether it’s a co-worker, senior manager, client, or new networking contact. As you jump into that initial conversation, it’s important that you’re able to make a quick connection, so you can move toward building a more substantial relationship.

For some, small talk comes naturally—but for others (including myself!), it can be pretty tricky. I get especially nervous when I’m talking to someone senior at my organization, because I want to make a good impression without coming across as boring. How do you hold a conversation with someone you barely know without resorting to commenting on the weather?

In my experience, the best way to deal with this common situation is to have a couple of pre-planned ideas of things to say—that way, you never have to worry about freezing up. Here is the simple, three-step method I use.

Step #1: Briefly Reveal Something About Yourself

Don’t go silent after you shake hands and introduce yourself—continue by volunteering something about yourself. It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary; often I’ll simply comment on what brought me to the situation (e.g., “I’m here because I’ll be working on the operations phase of this project—I’m really excited to kick things off during this meeting”).

I’ve found that this helps put others at ease because it gives them some context for who I am. It also establishes a pattern of discussion that involves both parties talking, instead of a conversation that is completely reliant on me asking the other person questions. 

Step #2: Ask an Open-Ended Question That’s Fairly Easy to Answer

Asking the right question means that the other person won’t have to work too hard to engage, but also won’t be able to get away with a simple yes-or-no answer that will stop the conversation cold.

For example, if you’re waiting for a meeting to start, you could ask how he or she got involved in the project that is going to be discussed. Or, if you’d rather expand the conversation beyond work-related topics, you could go for a more fun, personal question—I often ask if the person has any interesting trips planned. 

Step #3: Direct the Conversation to Current Events

If it feels like your small talk has devolved into a Q&A, feel free to move the conversation away from professional topics and talk about what’s going on in the world. Of course, the advice that it’s best to avoid conversations about religion and politics still holds true, but if you’re the one to pick the topic, then you’ll be able to direct the discussion appropriately.

I try to stick to well-known topics, such as news about local sports teams or recent events covered in a daily digest (try Daily PNut, The Week, or theSkimm), so that it’s more likely the other person will have also something to say on the subject. That way, the conversation can progress much more naturally.

Keep this method in mind, and the next time you find yourself standing next to an SVP in the coffee line, you’ll be able to make a confident, intelligent impression—without any mention of the weather.

http://www.inc.com/the-muse/how-to-make-engaging-small-talk.html

How to Make Small Talk Way More Fun

With these two techniques (and a little courage) you can transform mind-numbing everyday exchanges into actual conversations.

Whether you're waiting to pick up your kid after soccer, killing time until that last meeting participant shows up, or kicking off a job interview, small talk is a ubiquitous feature of modern life, but it's not necessarily one most of us enjoy very much.

Even as you smile through another banal chat about the weather ("Sure is hot!"), you're probably silently thinking about the lameness of the exchange while frantically searching for the next bland question to fill the silence. Is this just the unalterable nature of small talk or is there a better way?

Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker, authors of What to Talk About: On a Plane, at a Cocktail Party, in a Tiny Elevator with Your Boss's Boss, believe better conversations with strangers are possible. On a recent TED blog post, they offered an excerpt of the book, including techniques that can transform inane chitchat into meaningful conversations. The ideas are simple enough that just about any of us can put them into practice today, but be warned, a bit of creativity and courage is required. Here are two of them.

1. Mirror, mirror

Most of us approach small talk with the goal of being polite. Admirable as that is, it often leads people to blandly repeat what their conversation partner says, Colin and Baedeker note. So if your co-worker says, "Hot weather we're having," you respond with the completely polite but snooze-inducing, "Yup, sure is."

In order to escape this loop of pointless agreement, the authors suggest you "break the mirror" and "disrupt the dialogue" in order to create a moment of fun. Here's their example:

James: It's a beautiful day!

John: They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.

Will James think John is simply off his rocker? Potentially, but if you can bear the possibility of a few shocked double takes, you are likely to succeed in stirring the conversational pot. "Be provocative. Absurdity is underrated," urge Colin and Baedeker.

2. Stories, not answers

"One way to get beyond small talk is to ask open-ended questions. Aim for questions that invite people to tell stories, rather than give bland, one-word answers," the authors instruct before offering a long list of options. So instead of "Where are you from?" and "What do you do?" opt for, "What's the most interesting thing that happened at work today?" or, "How'd you end up in your line of work?"Answers to small talk questions are often a blind alley. "How are you?" leads to "Fine." Then what? Probably brain rummaging for a similarly uninspiring script. Instead of this sort of standard issue conversation starter, try bolder questions, which are far more likely to elicit an actual story rather than an unenlightening (and brief) reply.

Again, is there a chance that the other person might be shocked to find himself or herself on unexpected ground? Of course, but if that person is willing to play ball, you've just made an opportunity to create an actual connection rather than just some silence-filling noise.

http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/how-to-make-small-talk-way-more-fun.html

What Does Being Authentic Really Mean to You?

I was reading about character vs. characterization in novel writing, and this led me to contemplate what it means to be authentic. When writers craft a novel, they need characters and need to develop the characters in a way that makes them feel real to readers. This means the writers have to know as much about the characters as possible, from eye color to habits to prime motivation in life. This is called characterization. Character is what is demonstrated when a character in a novel faces a challenge-shows their true colors, as the saying goes. It's the stuff they're made of, when push comes to shove. It's the same for us.

It's fairly easy to create a characterization, a presentation, of ourselves for others to see and believe: we can let them see whatever we prefer they see. With others, we can pay attention to what they say and do, and even what we intuit about them when we're with them, which gives us more information beyond what we see. But all of this leads to the question: what is authenticity really about?

What if it's really about how you feel about yourself, rather than what you say or do, or how you look? After all, any of us can at anytime say and do things that don't feel authentic to us but we believe is what is expected of us, or dress a certain way, whether it feels natural or not. Do you believe that to be truly authentic, you have to spill every bean about yourself to everyone? Can you keep anything private or be discerning about who you share what with and still be authentic?

As I pondered these questions, I thought about the fact that the world is peopled with introverts and extroverts. People have traits of both, but in their individual quantities. Carolyn Gregoire wrote the following in an article for The Huffington Post: "As recently as 2010, the American Psychiatric Association even considered classifying "introverted personality" as a disorder by listing it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5), a manual used to diagnose mental illness. But more and more introverts are speaking out about what it really means to be a 'quiet' type."

I admit that for a long time I believed that outgoing people (extroverts) were demonstrating the one and only way to be authentic; so, because I'm a more quiet type (80% introvert, according to an online test I took), I judged myself as not being as authentic as someone who says, or seems to say, whatever they feel like saying about anything, and to anyone, at any time. To all you introverts out there, if you've been feeling less authentic because you're a more quiet type or because you feel a certain way and it clashes with what some believe is more "normal" or authentic (or commercially viable) behavior, you can relax and be yourself. You can gladly laugh at those online poster images that say things like "Introverts unite--in your separate homes." You get the joke better than anyone.

Gregoire included a list of 23 signs of an introvert in her article, which I'm going to share here as well as some comments about extroverts. Keep in mind that some people you might call an extrovert may actually have a bit or a good bit of introvert in them, just as introverts have a bit or a good bit of extrovert in them. You may resonate more with some of what's listed below than with others--we're all composites when it comes to our personality. Here are the 23 signs (my comments are in parentheses):

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome. (As an introvert, I'll say that's putting it mildly. Too much small talk can make introverts feel tired and annoyed-it's like static on a radio to them. Introverts can and will engage in small talk, but it doesn't take long for them to look for or wish for an exit. A number of aspects that follow can all be tied back into this one. Extroverts, however, will carry on conversations about anything and enjoy it well enough, if not a lot.)

2. You go to parties -- but not to meet people. (Introverts, when they do go to parties, go to see people they know, to be with people who accept them as they are and they can be relaxed around. If they do connect with a new person in a real way, they'll enjoy it. Extroverts tend to be "the more the merrier" types.)

3. You often feel alone in a crowd. (Introverts don't like crowds, or like them in small doses. They have to mentally prepare themselves for crowds. Again, extroverts tend to be "the more the merrier" types.)

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony. (Introverts prefer deeper conversations that lead to real connection. They know it may take a lot of small talk first, to find someone who will engage in deeper conversations (see No. 1). And, yet again, extroverts tend to be "the more the merrier" types.)

5. You've been called "too intense." (Introverts prefer deeper thoughts and conversations-they need them because that's their nature. They'll engage in lighter conversations, but only for so long. This doesn't mean extroverts don't enjoy deeper conversations, but they don't fuel and feed many extroverts as they do introverts.)

6. You're easily distracted. (This refers to an introvert being in an overly-stimulating environment, which stifles clear or deeper thought and engagement. Introverts may zone out in such situations, in order to conserve energy. Extroverts are comfortable in overly-stimulating environments; it fuels them.)

7. Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you. (Downtime is a necessity for introverts. They need it to recharge their batteries and to stimulate their creativity. A whole day alone with a good book or some other downtime experience is like heaven to an introvert. Longer is even better. Extroverts tend to thrive on stimulation that comes from others and activities. They can take only so much alone time; introverts can take only so much social engagement.)

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards. (For all the reasons listed above and below. Extroverts are eager to mingle.)

9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -- not in the middle. (Or prefer end or back seats wherever you go-like in a theater, for fast getaways, if needed. Extroverts like to be in the mix.)

10. You start to shut down after you've been active for too long. (Introverts are often more sprinter types than marathoners, activity-wise. Extroverts have a different kind of energy reserve.)

11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert. (Introverts like to sometimes ride the "waves" with an extrovert. Notice I said "sometimes." That need for quiet, alone time is always there-an introvert can actually feel or become unwell if they don't get enough of this. Extroverts may or may not understand this need, may or may not think it's a strange way to be. Life is for living, is an extrovert's motto. The introvert lives life, just from a more inward perspective.)

12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything. (Introverts like to and need to focus. It's more about how well they function and feel best than about what they do; though, they need to feel aligned with what they do. Extroverts are more outwardly adventurous. An experience, for its own sake, may be more important than alignment with it, for an extrovert.)

13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation. (However if picked, an introvert might get into it, if the participation is brief enough. An extrovert might deliberately attend such a performance and even volunteer, vigorously.)

14. You screen all your calls -- even from friends. (Sophia Dembling, author of "The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World," said, "To me, a ringing phone is like having somebody jump out of a closet and go 'BOO!'" Introverts prefer to be mentally and energetically ready for phone calls (see No. 1). Plus, when deep in thought, which is often, they don't respond well to being disturbed. Extroverts love to engage anytime. It's stimulation that feeds them.)

15. You notice details that others don't. (Unless an introvert is distracted by an overly-stimulating environment, they notice details; and these can be physical ones, but often are inner ones, like emotional dynamics. Extroverts, like introverts, notice whatever they attune to, but it may be more about what someone says than why they say it.)

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue. (Introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak; and as natural thinkers, they think and process thoughts all the time. Extroverts are more comfortable with speaking first and thinking about it later. They're also more comfortable acting without thinking it through first. Both of these aspects are something introverts sometimes wish they were comfortable doing, but the fact is they aren't. Both of these are things extroverts sometimes wish they hadn't done, but it's their nature.)

17. You have low blood pressure. (A scientific study said introverts tend to have lower BP than extroverts do. This makes sense, since introverts look for deeper meanings and have all that quiet alone time to do it in. Extroverts are out there, living on the edge, for the most part. There's going to be a certain amount of stress in that way of living.)

18. You've been called an "old soul" -- since your 20s. (Again, introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak, which can seem like wisdom to others (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't). Extroverts tend to be more in-the-moment types-the time is now, to speak and act, which is sometimes wise and sometimes isn't.)

19. You don't feel "high" from your surroundings (Like, say, at big parties. Extroverts respond to their environments differently than introverts-they align with the energy, while introverts look for what and who they are in true alignment with).

20.You look at the big picture. (Introverts tend to be okay with details and facts, but can also engage abstract concepts, as well. Some extroverts are, again, in-the-moment types. What's happening in front of them is what's happening. Introverts tend to look for the undercurrents and dynamics.)

21.You've been told to "come out of your shell." (Introverts come out of their shells when they feel like it, thank you. But they keep their shells close by. Extroverts have shells, and sometimes they visit them.)

22.You're a writer. (Some introverts find it easier to communicate through writing; plus, all that time alone to think charges up their creativity. This doesn't mean extroverts don't write, but the ones that do likely have enough introvert in them to support this. Many extroverts would prefer to speak than write. The alone-time it takes to write might be too much for them. They may prefer to dictate their writings and have someone else type them up.)

23.You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity. (Too much activity can stress and tire an introvert. They know how much socializing, work, and downtime works for them. Some extroverts have to wear themselves out before they realize it's time, or past time, for downtime.)

We cannot all be the same, or some of us aren't needed. We need extroverts to enliven life and moments and stimulate the energy so it doesn't go stale. We need introverts to keep things real, to provide the bigger picture, and to calm things down. Life is like a musical composition: We need the notes (extroverts) and the rests between the notes (introverts). If a composition is all rests, there's no music. If it's all notes with no rests, there's no pause to breathe, and performers and listeners alike will pass out or gasp for air. To those of you who are extroverts, thank you for what you offer to the world and to introverts who benefit from "just enough" excitement from time to time. To those of you who are introverts, did you notice how many of the 23 are about being authentic? So if you were comparing yourself to extroverts, as I was, stop it. Both are authentic. Both are needed.

I think it's more important that you feel authentic than "appear" authentic to others so that you then perceive yourself as authentic. Authenticity comes from within, never from outside of you. Who are you comfortable being in your everyday life? Who are you--what is your true character or nature--when you face challenges? It's okay to be who you are and it's okay to discover who that is as life presents changes to and for you. It's okay to share as much of your authentic self with others as you feel comfortable with; but be sure to share it with yourself. Know thyself. Love thyself. It's a good practice, one you'll appreciate.

https://ezinearticles.com/?What-Does-Being-Authentic-Really-Mean-to-You?&id=8730722

7 Ways to Make Small Talk Work for You.

Research reveals that most of us really don't like silence.

Being able to engage others in casual conversation is a handy skill to have. You never know when you’re going to be in a social situation where you'll need to keep up the patter in order to impress someone important or make an impression on someone you’d like to get to know better.

Less clear is what to do when you’re in a situation where no one is talking but you feel the urge to chat. Perhaps you’re standing in a long line at the cafeteria and would like some distraction, or you've read all the magazines in a physician’s waiting room and feel like getting a complaint or two off your chest. No one is making eye contact with you and, in fact, everyone else seems perfectly content to remain in their own isolated worlds.

Enter the art of the small talk. How to know when to initiate a conversation, how to keep one going—or how to keep your thoughts to yourself—are skills that you can acquire and improve upon with practice. And the seven tips below can help give you the basis for developing your own style.
I began thinking about this problem after reading an excellent piece by Psychology Today blogger Matthew Hutson in The Science of Us arguing that New Yorkers, at least, should talk to each other more. In describing several studies examining the benefits of small talk, he pointed out that the underlying issue was “pluralistic ignorance"—the idea that everyone assumes that no one else wants to do something that everyone really wants to do. We all would prefer to talk when we’re bored, waiting, uncomfortable, or just seeking the solace of another human being’s voice. However, no one wants to chime in first out of fear of seeming ignorant or forcing himself or herself onto unwilling listeners.
If you, like so many others, underestimate the positive effect that your chatting would have on people you don’t know, these findings suggest that you should give it a try. As Hutson notes in summarizing one such study, “the joy of small talk was mutual.” Even introverts, who aren’t naturally given to chatting with strangers, state that they have more fun when they step outside their comfort zone.
Small talk may be preferable to the alternative, at least as shown in this research, but you might be wondering whether this is generally true in all situations. Is small talk always good? You can probably think of situations when the last thing in the world you wanted to do was hear someone else’s chit-chat—perhaps even the classic scenario of sitting in the dentist’s chair while having your teeth cleaned. You obviously are unable to utter any more than a few grunts but the dentist is free to ramble on endlessly about all the minutiae of his or her daily life. You may also remember a time when you had work to do or just wanted peace and quiet during a hectic commute or trip but were unable to get away from enforced companionship with your fellow traveler. It’s natural enough to shy away from random conversations with strangers with these memories planted in your consciousness.
Canadian researchers Glenn Posner and Stanley Hamstra (2013) examined the effect of small talk on a doctor's competence through a study comparing the efficiency of medical students while conducting, of all things, pelvic exams. They created three conditions, all involving a plastic model on which the med students were supposed to practice. In one condition, the students examined the plastic model only. In the other two conditions, a woman “patient” accompanied the model, to replicate the experience of treating an actual person. In one of these conditions, the female patient spoke only minimally; in the other, she launched into a variety of small-talk topics.
The results suggested that small talk may indeed be detrimental during medical exams. Students attended to their task least efficiently when paired with the chatty patient. It seems, then, that there are situations when regardless of how awkward the silence may be, people are better off not dividing their attention between bantering and completing the task at hand.
In social situations, small talk may be preferable to silence, but when it comes to predicting overall happiness with conversations, people seem to prefer “big talk.” University of Arizona psychologist Matthias Mehl and his collaborators (2013) compared the happiness ratings of nearly 80 undergraduate students at the end of each of 4 days, during which they recorded snippets of all their conversations.
Using the 300 recordings they obtained per participant, Mehl and his team found that people rated their well-being much higher the more of their day's conversations were substantive (e.g., discussions about relationships) vs. small (e.g., chatting about food). In general, people’s well-being was higher when they were engaged in any kind of talk vs. silence, but there was a big jump in well-being ratings for those big-talk talks. Mehl and his team concluded that “the happy life is social rather than solitary, and conversationally deep rather than superficial” (p. 540).
So we know that small talk can produce greater well-being, but not as much as big talk. But in a small-talk situation, should you then skip over daily superficialities and delve instead into philosophical questions? If so, wouldn’t that seem odd to your companions? Taking the conclusions of these findings together, these 7 pointers will help you navigate your way to the best middle ground:

1. Don’t talk when someone else is trying to concentrate. If you’re with a person who’s trying to concentrate (whether on your teeth or other things), it might be best to let that person do his or her job. The other person might appreciate having some mental bandwidth left open to work on the task at hand without having to sound conversationally clever.
2. When you’re with a stranger or strangers, see if anyone makes eye contact with you. People who are eager to get involved in a conversation will typically give you some sort of signal. If they’re consistently looking away, they may be enjoying a moment of zen (and happy to be so) or just not in the mood for idle chatter.
3. Allow yourself to enjoy the silence at least once in a while. You may be a highly extroverted person who truly likes to interact with others, but don’t feel you have to fill every empty space with words—even when you’re with your significant other. You don't need to have hours and hours of steady conversation to prove how much you love or feel close to each other.
4. If small talk seems in order, find common and neutral ground.There’s nothing more embarrassing than making a comment about a situation with a stranger in which you’ve said something unintentionally insulting. Perhaps you see a person who’s unusually tall, short, thin, or heavy, and feel like sharing your judgement of this person’s appearance with your seatmate on the bus. For all you know, that seatmate (who seems “average” to you) has a family member or close friend who isn’t quite so average. Presuming that you share the world view with someone because you share a seat is a pretty dangerous assumption.
5. Pause in between sentences. If you release a steady stream of verbiage, you’ll have no way of knowing whether the other person is interested in keeping the conversation going. Allow your conversational partner a chance to not only get a word in edgewise, but to bow out graciously if he or she desires.
6. Don’t overshare. You may feel it’s safe to reveal personal details to someone you’ll “never see again” (such as someone on vacation or in a new place) but you should remember the six degrees of separation principle: For all you know, the person you’ve just confessed to about cheating on an exam is best friends with the instructor’s spouse.
7. Be open to deeper conversations. If things are going well, your conversational partner may be interested in moving from small to medium to big talk. However, don’t jump into the deep end unless you’ve tested those waters one toe at a time.

You may be high on the introversion dimension, and so prefer time to yourself. However, with these tips, you can avail yourself of at least some of the social opportunities that can benefit your well-being and those of the people you're with
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201409/7-ways-make-small-talk-work-you

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