Through a Simple Twist of Faith, Part Two (By Randi G Fine)

Part two of a three-part article written by Randi G. Fine

Some who suffer adversity have had their lives negatively altered by an identifiable, pivotal event. Others gradually lose their foothold over a period of years. Though unaware that it was happening while it was happening, I experienced the latter.

My first eighteen years were tumultuous. An insecure childhood worsened by a series of unfortunate life altering events whittled away at my self-esteem. By the time my nineteenth year rolled around and I began living on my own I was functionally depressed yet emotionally numb, hardened to life yet highly vulnerable to its assaults. Though I was in a downward spiral I saw nothing unusual about the way I felt inside, how I was functioning, or the choices I was making. I knew no other way to feel or act.

I am not implying that I experienced no happiness during those years. There were many good, joyful things that happened in my life, but the exuberance was short lived. From my vantage point life was a place of suffering and hardship. That's just how it was. And since I was naturally drawn to people with problems even worse than mine who had similar perspectives, it is no wonder I thought everyone saw things as I did.

At age nineteen I moved out of my parents' house to leave behind the chaos there that I could no longer tolerate. Believing I was ready to take on life as an adult, I dropped out of college, found a job, and moved in with a roommate.

Living on my own and supporting myself provided a joyful freedom I had never before experienced. Unfortunately it did not stop the problems. Things only got worse for me and the problems became much more serious.

Many of the problems were the result of unwise decisions I had made, but one was not-the home invasion rape that nearly cost me my life. That was beyond my control. And then, as if I wasn't far enough down, my "boyfriend" preyed on my vulnerability and swindled me out of all my money. I never saw him again. I do not claim to be a victim-I take full responsibility for allowing that to happen.

Still, after twenty-two years of living under an emotional "battering ram" it seemed as if adversity had won the fight. My spirit was weary and broken. All I had left was a glimmer of hope that a miracle would somehow save me. I envisioned a knight in shining armor coming, sweeping me off my feet, and taking me away from my life as I knew it.

Surprisingly that actually happened. A man miraculously came into my life, seemingly out of nowhere, and we fell deeply in love. My knight had everything I could have ever wanted; a great personality, stability, his own home, and a good job with a very promising future. Together we began the fairy tale romance I had dreamed of but never thought was possible. Sure that everything would be wonderful from that point on, I breathed a huge sigh of relief-the fight was finally over.

But the euphoria was short lived. It wasn't long before the mask and armor came off and my true knight was revealed. It was not a pretty picture. The perfect love of my life had relapsed into a ravaging intravenous drug addiction.

For a long time I did not want to look at what was being shown to me. I was afraid to jeopardize the relationship that I had invested everything into; the relationship that I believed had saved my life. I could not survive without him; he was my love, my life, and my savior. Severely co-dependent that I was I truly believed I could fix him. I was determined to do whatever it took to create a happy ending-even if it took my last breath.

I stuck it out with him through a few ups and a lot of downs, through a heart wrenching maze of sobriety and relapses. During one extended period of sobriety we got married. Believing (probably fantasizing) that he had remained sober a planned pregnancy followed a year later.

The first trimester of my pregnancy was horrendous. I was incapacitated and too sick to worry about his comings and goings. Free from the close monitoring and the tight leash I kept him on, he relapsed into his worst addiction ever. That still did not deter me. I was even more determined to save my marriage and preserve the ideal family unit for my unborn child.

Seven months into my pregnancy I began attending Nar-Anon meetings. It was there that I first heard about turning my problems over to a "higher power." I could not grasp that concept. I was the fixer and doer in my life. If I couldn't do it than no one else could either-certainly not some unseen "higher power." That is how someone with a co-dependency disorder thinks. I struggled for months to connect with an intangible source of strength outside of myself to hand my problems over to.

After the baby was born things got even more desperate. Staying with my husband meant risking life and limb, though in my state of mind I probably would have stuck it out if I only had me to worry about. But that was not the case. My six week old daughter was in imminent danger.

I could no longer fool myself. The dream of happily ever after had completely disintegrated. After he left for work one morning, I took my newborn baby and left with whatever belongings I could fit in my car. I did not have a nickel to my name or any way to make a living.

That was truly my emotional bottom, but like it or not staying there was not an option. More than anything I wanted my daughter's life to be better than mine. That meant one thing-I had to somehow fix my life. I had to change.

ezinearticles.com/?Through-a-Simple-Twist-of-Faith,-Part-Two&id=9992238

Guilty Of Using The Four Most Dangerous Words?

The average person has a vocabulary of around 1200 words but unfortunately four of them when shared with others, can have a short term and/or lasting negative impact on relationships. What are they?

You - should ______!

You - Need to _____!

I will - Never ______!

I will - Always ______!

So why are these relationship busters?

You - should;

This was one of my least favorite words to hear from friends, parents, former bosses, a former spouse etc. is - you should. Is it me or do you have an issue with this command as well? Why do I call it a command? Well, that's what it is when someone says you should - lose weight, work harder, start or stop something, drive faster or slower - folks I could go on with this stuff for pages so let me ask you - what's your least favorite - you should statement to hear from anyone?

Why do some people feel they can have control over us, boss us around, intimidate us or just tell us what to do or not do on a whim? There are many reasons but here are just a few of the common ones.

They think they are; smarter than us, are better than us, more experienced than us, know better than we do, always right, they are control freaks. They are insecure but unwilling to admit it. Got any you want to add?

You - Need to;

You need to is a very close cousin to - you should - the only difference is that it implies that it is our responsibility to do - whatever - whether we feel or believe it is our responsibility. The other person's view is that they shouldn't have to keep reminding is that we need to, we just need to put it into our DNA as a permanent part of who we are according to their rules or expectations. Again, I could go on for pages about what other's think we need to do - for them, with them, at them etc. In the end, I am not responsible for you - your opinions, views, prejudices, beliefs, actions, attitudes etc. These are yours not mine. Regardless of how right or wrong they may be, you think they are or are different from mine in the end, I was not put on this earth for your approval. I was not put here as your servant. If I want to do something - anything - wash your car, take out the garbage, get a report done by the end of the day, call you or email you back - I'll do it because I want to not because one of your stupid rules applies to me. Get it - you are not in charge of me - I am. And I am not in charge of you - you are.

I will - never;

Ever heard It? I will never do that or say that again. I will never ____ - whatever! Ever said it? I know I have and when I realized that I had, I knew that one day I would regret saying it. What does "I will never" mean and should we take other's seriously when they say it? Should other's take us seriously? I don't know about you - but words do matter but unfortunately many people either take them far too seriously or not at all seriously. Never means - never like - really never and can anyone ever really say this with certainty or a guarantee that they will never break the "I will never" code? I doubt it. So why do people say it? To manipulate? To control? To look good in the eyes of others? Yes, Yes and yes and yes to any other reason you can come up with. The word is a sham in my opinion and should be eliminated from the dictionary.

I will - always;

I could just repeat all of the above paragraph and make life easier for both of us but let me add just a couple of items so I at least come across as a little professional. Always - at all times; on all occasions, every time, each time, at all times, all the time, without fail, consistently, invariably, regularly, habitually, unfailingly. Had enough? I know I have. Who can possibly say this knowing that we have little or no control over the future? Again, the word is a sham in my opinion and should be eliminated from the dictionary.

Guilty of using any of the above? Have someone in your life or career who uses any of them on you?

http://ezinearticles.com/?Guilty-Of-Using-The-Four-Most-Dangerous-Words?&id=9718809

Message From the Universe: Insecurity Is Not That Scary of a Word

"The need to clarify, explain, or justify oneself in personal relationships is always self-serving.

What's important is knowing the truth about why you felt the need, because it often points to insecurities that could be dealt with in more effective ways.

Hi-Ho! 

The Universe"

Every actions are sometimes followed by justifications. Anything you do in life, especially if the results rendered is not quite what you expected will require you to justify your actions to other parties involved as to why you chose this specific path. When working for employers, we sometimes hesitate to take action because of the later need to justify the reasons as to why we made these decisions. For many, it can be a burden so end up never taking any initiative at work when it comes to moving forward in their careers. Hence, the reasons why many are miserable at their jobs because of no opportunities are ever presented to them. Taking higher risk will render bigger rewards, so as long as none of your actions are malicious in nature, you will always learn and get better in what you do.

The same goes with personal relationships. We often feel the need to explain or justify our actions to our significant other in the fear of them feeling left out or insecure. However, mirroring the probable outcome as to how the other will react to our justification makes us feel insecure about the reasons why we acted a certain way. We do not feel insecure personally, we fear the insecurities of the other. We hesitate to act certain ways because we are not sure how the other will react, regardless of their level of security in the relationship. We are now accountable for our behaviors since we are committed to this relationship. Being single allows you NOT to care since you do not owe anything to anyone. You do what makes you happy and couldn't care less of anybody else. This is the reason why being in a long term relationship requires you to keep in mind that your decision making process might have positive or negative repercussion in both your lives. He or she is now a part of the equation. So how do you manage someone's insecurities? By understanding the root of what makes them feel this way, you can counter attack the problem by first making them feel like they are the center of your universe, make them feel loved, even though they might throw you some insecure remarks such as:" Why are you with me, I am fat and ugly", or "they are smarter people out there, why don't you go with them" or "I am short and you are tall" or whatever else comes out of their mouth. I have conducted many therapy sessions with couples and have heard it all. Despite all these remarks that can drive anyone crazy, you need to throw a lot of "Whatevers" to these remarks and counter attack with a lot of love you's and all that good stuff. Hopefully these insecurities are just temporary until they feel more confident in the relationship. You might need to play the offense-defense approach at the same time but as we all know, life is a game and it all depends on what side you are playing.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Message-From-the-Universe:-Insecurity-Is-Not-That-Scary-of-a-Word&id=9599160

How To Break-Free From People Pleasing

Have you ever truly felt "Approved"? I won't be surprised if you answered "No" to that question. Because most of us don't feel "Approved" enough to cause us to believe it. And as a result we go through life feeling "wrong", "insecure" and "rejected" thereby losing our self-confidence and developing low self-esteem. In fact, not feeling approved can leave us so empty and hungry inside that we may eventually seek to satisfy ourselves by doing things we think will cause others to like us, affirm us and approve us, thus becoming an "Approval Addict"!

I am sure you would agree that trying to impress others is exhausting! It minimizes your own importance and individuality, which could be very damaging to you in the long run. The good news is that you no longer have to continue to find worth, validation or value in other people's approval. You don't need to suffer any longer with insecurity or rejection. You don't have to strive to please others while feeling miserable yourself. There is a cure for the approval addiction. Here are a few quick and easy steps to get you started!

Give your opinion freely. Give your opinion, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Start with smaller things like what you'd like to eat or which movie you'd like to see or how you'd like to spend your time.

Avoid judging others. Check if you are constantly judging others in a variety of situations? Notice your thoughts. If you are overly critical of others, it's only natural that you assume others are the same towards you. By avoiding this type of behavior in yourself, you will drop the assumption that everyone else is judging you. Just allow others to be as they are. It makes life more interesting. Sit back and enjoy the differences.

Be aware that disapproval could be a manipulation tool. Knowing this can free you from seeking the approval of others. In many cases, they are just in the game for themselves.

"If you are an approval addict, your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a manipulator needs do is a simple two-step process: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game."- Harriet B. Braiker

Many people use disapproval as a means of getting what they want and trying to control others. They may disapprove of your opinion, clothing, hairstyle, or anything else to enjoy the fruits of your submission. If someone disapproves you, ask him or her to explain. Remember that most negative people are looking for a victim, not a fight. When you stand up for yourself, many of the bullies disappear.

Don't be bothered by what someone thinks of you. We seem to be born with an intense desire to "fit in". But just because someone does not approve of you it doesn't mean that you are undesirable. It could actually be more about them than about you. It is true that you might suffer from a little bit of anxiety when feeling unaccepted but if you just hold your ground that too shall pass.

"You will never gain anyone's approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows." - Mandy Hale

Fill your life with things that are important. Spend quality times on things you enjoy to do or that are meaningful to you. This is sure going to make you very happy and content. You are going to absolutely love that freedom of being yourself!

Being overly concerned about the opinions of others is damaging to your self-esteem. Each time you seek approval, you are diminishing your own importance. You are causing yourself pain. Your opinion matters! You matter! Allow your individuality to be seen and experienced by others.

"A balanced inner calmness radiates from a peaceful center. It neither craves others' approval nor rejects others' presence. It neither pulls towards nor pushes away. It has a reverent attitude towards life and all its inhabitants." - Donna Goddard

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Break-Free-From-People-Pleasing&id=9527769

6 Tips To Fake Self-Confidence When You Have None (Told by a woman)

So many women suffer from a lack of self-confidence because of what society deems as beauty. I am one of those women. I have an idea of beautiful and in my eyes, I'm not it. I am constantly looking in the mirror wishing my nose was smaller or my hair was different instead of embracing the beauty of my uniqueness. I'm really trying to work on it because I want my daughters to grow up to be confident women. I don't want them to grow up scrutinizing every "flaw" they think they see. They are unique and beautiful and there is no one in the world exactly like them.

"In a world full of social media, we tend to let others decide our self-worth based on the number of likes on our selfies."

No matter how insecure you are, you can come across as confident while you work on your self-confidence. Here are my budget-friendly tips to appear more self-confident, even when you aren't.

6 Tips To Fake Self-Confidence Even When You Have None

Hold Your Head High

First and foremost, NEVER look down at your feet when you walk. Hold your head high and make eye contact when you walk by someone. I still find myself looking down sometimes when a 

person walks by me and I have to remind myself to "look up". Give them a smile or ask them how they are doing, but don't look down at your feet when you walk by someone.

Put On Your Favorite Outfit

We all have that ONE outfit that makes us feel good. It doesn't have to be a cocktail dress. It could be your favorite pair of jeans that fit just right after many years of wear or it could be a top that is your favorite color and makes your eyes pop. Either way, we feel better about ourselves when we are wearing something we feel good in.

Create A "SEXY" Playlist

Am I the only one who has that certain song that makes me feel sexy?? Create a playlist! I have a playlist titled Sexy and it is FULL of songs that make me feel like a sexy woman! It completely changes my mindset and makes me want to strut my stuff! It is a quick confidence boost when I need it and I can hit repeat as many times as I need to!

Shave Your Legs

There is just something about freshly shaved legs that make me feel good about myself. It makes me feel more womanly when my legs are smooth and freshly shaven. Even in the winter, I try to shave regularly. I know I will be wearing pants in the winter so no one will see, but self-confidence is about what you think of yourself, not what others think.

Put On Lip Gloss

On the way to work, I try to remember to put on some lip gloss. When I wear lip gloss, I just feel more put together, no matter what I am wearing. When I feel more put together, I feel more confident about myself. Just reapply as necessary!

Unmentionables

What you wear underneath your clothes may not be seen by others, but you know it is there. "Granny panties" may be comfortable (and yes I am known to wear them at night), but they probably won't do much for a confidence boost. A nice bra and pair of panties, matching set or not, can really increase your confidence! It is like you have a secret that no one else knows and we all LOVE to be part of a secret!

Everyone is different and has their own ways of boosting or showing self-confidence. When you are comfortable in your own skin it shows in your body language. Of course there are many other tips such as going out and buying a new outfit or getting your hair done, but these tips are things you can do everyday that don't require you to go out and spend money. Fake it until you make it!

"You are not defined by the number of likes on your selfie."

http://ezinearticles.com/?6-Tips-To-Fake-Self-Confidence-When-You-Have-None&id=9329813

3 Common Causes of Insecurity and How to Beat Them

15 tools to help you bounce back when you're feeling down about yourself.

Do you find yourself feeling filled with self-doubt and short on confidence? Despite your accomplishments, do you feel like a fraud destined to be exposed? Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that partners will inevitably leave you? Do you stay at home, afraid to venture out and meet new people because you don’t feel you have enough to offer? Do you feel overweight, boring, stupid, guilty, or ugly?

Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity. Following are the 3 most common forms—and how to begin to cope with them.

Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection

Recent events in our lives can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests that up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence. In his book Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts, Psychology Today blogger Guy Winch states that rejection inevitably leads us to see both ourselves and other people more negatively, at least for a time. And those of us who have lower self-esteem to begin with are more reactive to failure. It’s as if an experience like losing your job grabs old negative beliefs about your self-worth and activates them. It may help to understand that failure is a nearly ubiquitous experience: Before becoming president, Abraham Lincoln lost his job, was defeated for nomination to Congress, and failed at least twice in Senate bids. Persevering despite setbacks can lead to eventual successes—which raise your self-esteem.

Below are some tools you can use to overcome failure- or rejection-based insecurity:

1. Give yourself time to heal and adapt to the new normal.
2. Get out and engage with life, following your interests and curiosity.
3. Reach out to friends and family for distraction and comfort.
4. Get feedback from people you trust.
5. Persevere and keep moving towards your goals.
6. Be willing to try a different strategy if necessary.

Type 2: Lack of Confidence Because of Social Anxiety

Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead you to feel anxious and self-conscious. As a result, you may avoid social situations, experience anxiety when you anticipate social events, or feel self-conscious and uncomfortable during them. Past experience can feed your sense of not belonging, not feeling important or interesting, or just not being good enough. Many of my clients describe how being bullied or excluded from a group of friends in middle school or high school continues to negatively affect their confidence as adults. If you grew up with critical parents, or parents who pressured you to be popular and successful, you may also be over-sensitized to how others perceive you. This type of insecurity is generally based on distorted beliefs about your self-worth—and about the extent to which other people are evaluating you. Most of the time, people are more focused on how they are coming across than on judging others. Those who do judge and exclude are often covering up insecurities of their own and so their opinions may be less than accurate; they may value superficial attributes instead of character and integrity.

Below are some tools to combat insecurity in social situations:

1. Talk back to your inner critic. Remind yourself of all the reasons that you can be interesting and fun or would be a good friend or partner.
2. Prepare in advance. Think of some things you can talk about—current events, movies you’ve seen, hobbies, your job, or your family.
3. Avoiding social situation just makes things worse. So go to a party or on a date even if you're nervous. Your anxiety should decrease once you get engaged with others—if not the first or second time, then once you get used to showing up.
4. Set yourself a limited, realistic goal like talking to two new people or finding out more about one person’s work and hobbies.  
5. Deliberately focus on others to combat intense self-focus. Put on your observer hat and notice what other people seem to be feeling and doing. Do you notice any similarities or skills you can learn from them?

Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism

Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Below are some ways to combat perfectionism:

1. Try to evaluate yourself based on how much effort you put in, which is controllable, rather than on the outcome, which is dependent on external factors.  
2. Think about how much difference it would actually make if your work were 10 percent better. Would the time and energy spent in checking and re-checking or answering every email really be worth it?
3. Perfectionism is often based on all- or nothing thinking, so try to find the grey areas. Is there a more compassionate or understanding way to view a situation? Are you taking your circumstances into account when you evaluate yourself? Is there something you learned or achieved even if the end result wasn’t perfect?
4. Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you. 
    www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201512/3-common-causes-insecurity-and-how-beat-them

5 Ways to Shake Off the Pain of Rejection

5. Set a hard deadline for letting it go.

Few things feel as painful as rejection. Regardless what form it takes—not being invited to a friend’s party, not being offered a position after an interview, having your actions criticized, or failure when you’re trying to sell your idea—every “no” indicates a door closed to us. Of course, the extent of the impact largely depends on the position of the individual receiving the rejection and the one doling it out, but most people struggle with finding the best way to regroup and recover.

Research tells us that not only does rejection give us a mental pause; it can also produce physical pain. Study findings published in Science magazine by researchers from Purdue University and the University of California, Los Angeles, in 2003 demonstrated that being socially shunned or turned down by others activates the same regions in our brains—the dorsal anterior cingulate and the anterior insula—that are associated with experiencing physical pain. Numerous successive studies have corroborated the similarities between rejection and physical pain. For example, a 2011 study

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 published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science demonstrated how pain experienced from hot coffee spilled on one's forearm is similar to the “pain” that they would experience from seeing a photograph of a former partner after an unwanted relationship breakup.

In short, it hurts.

Pain is not the only negative consequence of rejection; it can also lead us to feel more insecure in ourselves, our decisions, and our choices. Security is one of the most basic human needs, and when it is not fulfilled or is jeopardized by rejection, we start to doubt ourselves. Other aspects of rejection can include flagging concentration; increased levels of stress, irritability and aggression; inability to sleep and control one’s emotions; and gradual withdrawal from society, among others.

Not everyone copes with rejection in the same way: Studies show that people with a higher sense of self-worth, as well as individuals with more social power

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, handle rejection better than those with lower self-esteem and less social influence. There are salespeople who actually love cold-calling and think that every “no” just leads them closer to the next "yes."

People who highly value a sense of individuality also experience rejection less painfully than those whose need for being a part of the group is much stronger.

Similarly, self-confident people are able to use rejection to improve themselves

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, get more creative, and validate their beliefs.

Rejection is going to happen. It’s a fact of life that not all relationships and situations will work out well. With distance, we can often see that a rejection was a good thing for us but at the time, it doesn’t feel good. Developing more effective responses to rejection is an important life skill. If you find yourself unable to deal with rejection, you may need to work on building your self-confidence and your self-esteem and strengthening your social ties before addressing the anxiety, anger, and other issues that arise from being rejected.

1. Self-confidence is key.
   Of course you know that self-confidence is important, but knowing it’s important and having it are two different things. Many people have grown up in environments where they were told they were worthless or useless. These messages often carry over into adulthood and other relationships. If your self-confidence is flagging, start small to build it back. Make a list every day with at least two or three things you have done well, contributions you have made, or positive things you have done. Write these down and review them before you go to bed each night and again when you get up the next morning. Fill your nighttime and early morning brain with something positive about yourself.

   
   
2. Change to positive self-talk.
   Rejection will enhance whatever negative things you say to yourself, so practice different self-talk. Notice what you say to yourself; thoughts like “It’s all my fault” or “What is wrong with me?” are not useful and only bring you down. Rejection happens to everyone; even the most successful and confident people don’t always get what they want, but most of those people acknowledge the rejection as outside of them and don’t start telling themselves how terrible they really are. Notice what you say to yourself and choose to build yourself up, not tear yourself down.

   
   
3. Remember, this too shall pass.
   Remind yourself of this whenever you feel down. No, you are not worthless and you are not a failure: This is a point in time. Don’t let one disappointing experience diminish the worth of everything else that you have achieved. Give yourself credit for your skills and accomplishments, and remind yourself of all those experiences when you made good progress, solved a problem or helped someone. No one is defined by one experience.

   
   
4. Practice reframing.
   Take a deep breath, step back from the situation, and just breathe for a few minutes. Many times a situation seems worse because you react and then “frame it” as a negative about you. Instead, physically step back and begin deep breathing. Choose to reframe it. Instead of thinking, “No one will ever love me, I’m unlovable,” you could reframe by thinking, “Relationships are hard for everyone; I’m no different. This was hard for me but I can learn something from it. Let me focus on what I can learn.”

   
   
5. Let it go.
   It’s okay to feel upset about rejection. After all, you are human and you have emotional responses. Let yourself feel the pain, cry or pound a pillow, but then put a limit on how long you will mourn the rejection. Literally set a time frame: “I can mourn this until next Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. and then I will let go of it.” Let the emotions roll through you, but don’t let them park and become long-term visitors.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/understand-other-people/201512/5-ways-shake-the-pain-rejection

3 Ways To Avoid Dating People Who Make You Feel Like Sh*t

It’s been said that single people give the best dating advice, but can’t take their own. Despite being the queen of that sentiment, this longtime single lady has learned many things along the way. The most important thing I've learned in my many (many!) years of dating? To live a healthy life, you need to love yourself. And in order to love yourself, you must stop dating people who treat you like crap.

We’ve all had those boyfriends, quick relationships, or last minute Tinder dates that left us feeling hollow inside. These are the individuals who turn confident women into insecure beings and appoint us the title of "crazy." When the need to feel loved gets in the way of a clear head, the ability for someone to take advantage of you becomes effortless.

Don’t let love/lust take away from your own self-love. No matter how attractive or smooth-talking your date is, it's paramount that you continue to embody the confidant, kickass woman you know you truly are.

Here are three rules to maintain your self-respect when the person you’re dating isn’t showing you any.

1. If you're second guessing whether this person likes you, it's time to end it.

The minute you start making excuses for why he hasn't texted. The minute you question whether he likes you. The minute that gross pit of doubt forms in your stomach. That's the minute it's time to move on.

You are strong and smart and beautiful and funny and amazing. You should never have to wonder whether someone likes you, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Those first months (nay, those years) should be totally devoid of doubt when it comes to how you both are feeling.

Questioning whether your partner is into you is a slippery slope. Don't let anyone else determine your self-worth. The longer you hold onto someone you know isn’t into you, the more insecure you'll become.

2. Don't be the giver all the time.

Whether it's traveling to his place or always picking the restaurant, being the partner who makes (or has to make) all of the decisions eventually adds up and can leave you feeling like the relationship is one-sided. When you start to notice a pattern like this, it's time to take a step back and reevaluate.

To avoid playing games, communication is key. Talk to your partner and discuss that you'd like the effort to be reciprocated. See if they're willing to do the work. The person who is right for you will travel to the moon and back to see you for just a few minutes, no matter how busy their schedule.

3. Maintain your identity and friendships.

A confident partner will love that you have a life, friends and interests outside of the two of you. Listen, I get that it's difficult to make time for all of the things in your life you want to give attention to. And whether you've just started dating someone or are in a long-term relationship, independence from each other can sometimes be hard.

You're either head-over-heels in the honeymoon phase and can't stand to be apart, or you've been together for so long that it might feel strange to make plans separately. But maintaining a sense of yourself that isn't connected to your partner is crucial, not only for your own sake, but also for that of the relationship.

If your partner doesn't understand how you could make plans without him or her, can't fathom why you'd want to do something on your own, that's a red flag. If the person is right for you, he or she won’t keep you away from the life you had before, or from new things you take an interest in.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to share the same exact interests and friends. Discuss your passions and continue to keep them a priority. There's nothing more attractive than a hardworking person who has passion for life and friendships.

Because I am a single woman who has gone through the gamut of awful dates and experiences, I know what not to do now. Nothing good ever comes from continuing contact with someone who doesn’t respect you; it will never end well.

Dig deep and remind yourself that you deserve better. The right person will realize your worth and show you qualities about yourself that you haven’t already seen.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22823/3-ways-to-avoid-dating-people-who-make-you-feel-like-sht.html

4 Signs That Someone Is Insecure

... and what narcissism has to do with it.

You’re with someone you’ve just met, and within seconds you feel that there’s something wrong with you.

Up until meeting this person, you were having a pretty good day, but now you’re starting to question everything from the way you look to the accomplishments you’ve racked up over your life so far. Let’s say the person is the mother of one of your children’s playmates. Not only does she seem perfectly outfitted, but in simply introducing herself, she’s made it clear that she’s got an important job and a perfect family life, and that she associates with all the right people.

It’s easy to get thrown into a personal purgatory of self-doubt in these situations. Whether it’s a social contact or a business interaction,  people who want everyone to know how big they are can make the rest of us feel pretty small. Just think how much better you’d feel if you could brush these situations aside and go on about your day without doubting yourself and your life.

It turns out that armed with a simple set of detection tools, you can not only help yourself feel better, but also recognize the weaknesses in the façade of those practically perfect people.

The psychology behind this process stems from the theory of the Viennese psychoanalyst Alfred Adler, who coined the term inferiority complex.

According to Adler, people who feel inferior go about their days overcompensating through what he called “striving for superiority.” The only way these inwardly uncertain people can feel happy is by making others decidedly unhappy. To Adler, this striving for superiority lies at the core of neurosis.

We now think of this striving for superiority as a feature of narcissistic personality disorder, that deviation in normal development that results in a person’s constant search to boost self-esteem. The two kinds of narcissists are the grandiose (who feel super-entitled) and the vulnerable (who, underneath the bravado, feel weak and helpless). Some may argue that at their core, both types of narcissists have a weak sense of self-esteem, but the grandiose narcissist may just be better at the cover-up. In either case, when you’re dealing with someone who’s making you feel inferior, there’s a good chance that narcissism is the culprit.

Narcissism doesn’t always reach pathological levels, but it can characterize people to more or less of a degree. Using the concepts of “overt” and “covert” narcissism instead of grandiose and vulnerable, some personality researchers believe that they can learn more about the type of narcissism you might spot in everyday life. University of Derby (U.K.) psychologist James Brookes (2015) decided to investigate the way that people high on these tendencies actually feel about themselves both in terms of self-esteem and self-efficacy, or one's confidence in their ability to succeed.

Using a sample of undergraduates—an important point to keep in mind—Brookes analyzed the relationships among overt and covert narcissism, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. The two forms of narcissism were not related to each other, supporting the idea that these two subtypes have some validity. Examining which were more related to self-esteem, Brookes found that those high on overt narcissism in fact had higher self-esteem: Their need to feel “special” seemed to play the most important role for these self-aggrandizing individuals. Covert narcissists, for their part, had lower self-esteem scores.

Looking at self-efficacy, or the feeling that you can reach your desired goals, the overt narcissists also won the day, compared to their more hypersensitive and insecure counterparts. In particular, for overt narcissists, the need to have power over others seemed to give them the sense that they could accomplish anything.

The Brookes study provides some clues, then, into what makes up the narcissistic personality. It can also offer insight into the ways you can interpret the actions of narcissistic friends, coworkers, or partners through examining their insecurities:

1. The insecure person tries to make you feel insecure yourself.
   When you start to question your own self-worth, is it typically around a specific person or type of person? Is that individual always broadcasting his or her strengths? If you don’t feel insecure in general, but only around certain people, it’s likely they’re projecting their insecurities onto you.
    
2. The insecure person needs to showcase his or her accomplishments.
   You don’t necessarily have to feel insecure around someone to conclude that inferiority is at the heart of their behavior. People who are constantly bragging about their great lifestyle, their elite education, or their fantastic children may very well be doing so to convince themselves that they really do have worth.
    
3. The insecure person drops the “humble brag” far too often.
   The humble brag is a brag disguised as a self-derogatory statement. You’ve all seen these on Facebook, when an acquaintance complains about all the travel she has to take (due to the importance of her job), or all the time he has to spend watching his kids play (and, by the way, win) hockey games. (The "Facebook gloat" is a bold-faced brag which is easier to spot but may very well have the same roots.)
    
4. The insecure person frequently complains that things aren’t good enough.
   People high in inferiority like to show what high standards they have. You may label them as snobs, but as much as you realize they’re putting on an act, it may be hard to shake the feeling that they really are better than you. What they’re trying to do, you may rightly suspect, is to proclaim their high standards as a way of asserting that not only are they better than everyone else, but that they hold themselves to a more rigorous set of self-assessment criteria.

Returning to the Brookes study, there can be aspects of overt narcissism that actually do work in helping the insecure feel more confident in their abilities. However, this comes at the price of making everyone else feel less confident. I wouldn’t recommend bolstering your sense of self-efficacy by putting down everyone else.

To sum up: Being able to detect insecurity in the people around you can help you shake off the self-doubts that some people seem to enjoy fostering in you. Taking the high road, and not giving in to these self-doubts, may also help you foster feelings of fulfillment both in yourself, and in the insecure people you know and care about.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/4-signs-someone-is-insecure

A Simple Boost for Social Confidence

An easy self-affirmation exercise helps reduce social insecurities for at least two months.




Sometimes in life we get exactly what we expect. Nowhere is this more true than in social relations.

When we meet someone new, if we expect to like them—for whatever reason—then they tend to like us. If we experience apprehension or nascent dislike then things can quickly go wrong.

Psychologists have called it the ‘acceptance prophecy’ 

The problem is that for insecure or socially nervous individuals it becomes the rejection prophecy. A feeling of apprehension about meeting new people is outwardly expressed as nervous behaviour and this leads to rejection.

But a new paper published in Psychological Science provides a simple exercise that helps boost relational security and should help turn the rejection prophecy back into the acceptance prophecy.

Self-affirmation

Stinson et al. (2011) measured the relational security of 117 participants by asking them how much they agreed with statements like: “My friends regard me as very important in their lives” and “My partner loves and accepts me unconditionally”.

Half of them were then asked to do a very simple self-affirmation task. Participants looked down a list of 11 values including things like spontaneity, creativity, friends and family, personal attractiveness and so on. They put them in order of importance and wrote a couple of paragraphs saying why their top-ranked item was so important.

The results showed that this simple task boosted the relational security of insecure individuals in comparison with a control group. Afterwards their behaviour was seen as less nervous and they reported feeling more secure. And when they were followed up at four and eight weeks later, the benefits were still apparent.

It appears that even a task as simple as this is enough to boost the social confidence of people who feel insecure.

http://www.spring.org.uk/2011/09/a-simple-boost-for-social-confidence.php