Kids Stress When Parents Fight

Ten-year-old Todd looked like an old soul. He was clearly worried about something. "I don't like to talk about it," he whispered. "It just bothers me."

After a short period of silence, I said, "Sometimes it's hard to talk about what's bothering you." Todd kept his eyes peeled to the floor. Though he was large for his age, at this moment, he looked small and helpless.

"I just wish my parents would stop fighting. I hate it and I'm afraid they're going to get divorced."

"What do they fight about?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Who usually wins the fight?"

No answer.

"Is it mom or dad?"

"It's nobody. Mom calls dad an idiot. Dad yells back about how she thinks she knows everything. After awhile, Dad slams the door and says he's out of here. Then Mom goes crazy, calling him a coward and some other really bad names. Sometimes she throws stuff at him."

"Do they ever fight about you?"

Todd nodded. "Yeah, they're always fighting about me or my brother. Mom thinks dad should do more things with us and be stricter with us. Dad says he already does plenty."

Todd's parents admit that they not only fight in front of the kids, they also fight about them. At times the fighting is a big blowout altercation; other times it's an ill-mannered squabble. How can a kid deal with that without being stressed?

Now I'm not suggesting that parents be conflict free. Kids can handle parents' disagreeing. They know that Mom is a stickler for the rules while Dad is a pushover. They know that Mom stresses the importance of getting top grades while Dad shrugs off a low grade here and there. Parents do not have to be clones of one another. In fact, it's better if they're not. That way kids get to know that reasonable people can view a situation differently.

Kids don't get stressed out because their parents disagree but they do get stressed out when the intensity, frequency and nastiness of the disagreements are severe. Here are five ways that parents fight that kids hate (for good reason):

Kids hate when parents fight like kids, unable to control their emotions. Calling each other stupid, crazy, out of your mind, don't know what you're talking about and cursing each other out is a terrible model for teaching kids how to deal with conflict.

Kids hate when one parent wins all the time. While they may side with the underdog, they may also be furious with him/or her for being so powerless. When parents vie for their children's loyalty, a no-win situation is created for their children.

Kids hate when parents fight about them - their behavior, their grades, their friends, their attitudes. They think they are the cause of their parents' conflict and feel guilty that they will be the reason for their divorce.

Kids hate when parents expand their fighting from one topic to almost anything. An argument might begin with what to eat for dinner, expand to how mom or dad is a control freak, and end up with a disdainful remark about how the kids are turning out just like you.

Kids hate when their parents' conflicts remain unresolved. When disagreements from the past are brought up again and again, kids try to distance themselves from the fighting by distancing themselves from their parents and/or shutting down emotionally.

How parents handle conflict is the blueprint for how their children will handle conflict. Hence, if this article is hitting home, make it a priority to learn more constructive ways to disagree. If you can't summon up the will to do it for yourself, please - do it for your children.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Kids-Stress-When-Parents-Fight&id=8103894

Are You Tired of Fighting?

You can stop fighting now.

I've been noticing more and more in the media the word "fight" being used everywhere.

Are you and I being programmed to fight?

Politicians say, "I will fight for you" or a cause that you might care about.

Fund raising commercials say, "Fight xxxx" - fill in your favorite illness.

Drug companies say, "Fight xxxx with yyyy" - fill in your favorite drug and symptom.

Sports teams say, "Fight, fight fight, fight, fight."

When our government wants to create fear, it urges us to "fight" and labels everything a "war."

We've had "wars" on poverty, on diseases, on drugs, on terrorism, and most sports are a substitute for going to war.

What have these wars created?

Freedom from the desire to numb yourself with drugs or other addictive behaviors?

Abundance for everyone?

Healthy people?

A good sense of sportsmanship?

The ability to peacefully resolve conflicts?

A world of peace?

I've been asking myself lately, "Why do the media fill our heads with such aggressive language? Why does everything have to be a fight?"

"IMAGINE," said John Lennon. And so I, too, invite you to imagine a world without having to "fight" for everything.

"IMAGINE a world where everyone is respectful of everyone else and no longer blames others for what they don't like about themselves or for what they don't like about their own lives.

"IMAGINE a world where politicians call for cooperation and no longer use the word "fight" to promote themselves. Politicians could say, "If you elect me, I'll do my best to bring peaceful cooperation and problem solving to all of the issues facing us. I promise to work with all others elected to solve problems, to get things done, and I will urge my colleagues to do the same."

"IMAGINE a world where people are so content and joyful that they don't need to drug themselves to bury their emotional pain and dissatisfaction.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling. I want things to flow easily and gently in my life.

I am now choosing to stop the internal struggles and internal battles. You can make the same choice, or not. It's entirely up to you.

There are ways to stop the fighting, and the first step is to make the choice.

Once you've made the choice to stop the internal battle, you will be shown methods and techniques to help you succeed.

Once you've made the choice to find peaceful, cooperative solutions in your daily living, they will appear in your life.

You will be guided to them.

You will be open to them.

You will notice them when they show up.

IMAGINE them coming to you. See them easily and quickly arriving... the perfect solutions to whatever challenges you are facing.

IMAGINE a world in which each human chooses from his or her own heart to work together to create joyful, creative, loving solutions. This is a powerful step to creating a world where everyone has food, shelter, and opportunities for personal creativity and spiritual well-being. This is the world we were meant to live in.

CONSIDER THE HUMAN BODY as a model for peaceful cooperation.

Our physical bodies are a cooperative effort of all our cells and organs.

• What would it be like if your heart said, "I won't pump any blood today for the kidneys because they insulted me."
• What if your colon said, "I'm tired of cleaning up this garbage without any appreciation. I'm going to fight to hold onto it."
• What if your bone marrow said, "I'm fed up with all the bickering, so I'm not going to produce any blood cells today."

The body works, stays healthy, and supports our experience on the Earth because all parts cooperate with each other. If they started bickering and arguing and disrespecting each other, our bodies would sicken and die.

In the same way, humanity is a single being, a single consciousness. When we connect at that level, cooperation comes more easily and we can accomplish great things.

But today what we seem to be doing is fighting with each other. As a result of all that fighting, the oceans are dying and the food is all poisoned to some degree (yes, even the organic stuff has chem trail poisons landing on it).

In addition, hundreds of thousands and perhaps millions of humans are homeless, starving, and see no way out of their situation. This is true inside the United States, although the official media won't tell you about it. Do you know about the citizens of this country living under interstate overpasses? They are not counted among the unemployed. They are not counted at all.

So it's time to stop fighting and start appreciating and cooperating with each other. We have to begin caring about each other.

QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU GET STARTED.

1. Am I ready to stop fighting?
2. What am I fighting inside myself? Is there a battle raging there?
3. What am I fighting outside myself? Am I still trying to win an argument with someone from yesterday? Last week? Ten years ago?
4. How can I make peace within myself? What parts of myself need me to love them, forgive them, hold them gently and help them feel accepted and safe.
5. How can I make peace with others outside myself? Can I forgive them for past grievances? Even when someone is already out of body, forgiveness can heal you and still give them an opportunity to change.

You don't have to make all the changes all at once.

All you need do is begin.

Stop fighting yourself. Become more loving towards yourself. Be compassionate with yourself.

You can't change anyone but yourself. As you change yourself, you interact differently with others.

The energy exchange between you and another will be different.

And then the other person will receive an opportunity to interact with you differently.

Don't wait for someone else to begin. 

Begin with you. 

Stop fighting now.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Are-You-Tired-of-Fighting?&id=9664278

3 Ways to Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over

Spoiler alert: You're not arguing about what you think you're arguing about.

September will always be back-to-school season in my mind––the sadness of summer ending, the excitement of seeing old friends again. All of those memories from childhood are good to hold onto. Some things from childhood are best left behind, however, such as childhood wounds. They represent a heavy book bag that weighs you down even in adulthood—and they can bring your relationship down, too.

In my decades as a marriage and family therapist, I have encountered innumerable couples and individuals whose emotional baggage from childhood harms their current relationship. They can't figure out why they keep having the same arguments or why little annoyances erupt into huge fights. In our sessions, I often find that the solution is something I call "reality testing."

Reality testing is just what it sounds like—testing how real the fight, and your feelings, are. Reality testing breaks down into three steps:

1. Identify your real feelings. 

Anger almost always covers up truer, deeper feelings. You feel angry when your partner RSVPs you for a party you hadn't yet agreed to go too, or when he or she tells you they like you in blue when you're wearing a green shirt. You must look past the initial angry feeling and consider whether or not there's another emotion bubbling up as well.

You don't feel angry because of the RSVP; you feel like your partner is trying to control you. You don't feel angry because your partner said you look good in blue; you're scared your partner doesn't like the way you look right now. If you let yourself really delve into your feelings, you'll discover there's more there. That other emotion is the real feeling.

2. Assess their truth value. 

Once you have connected with your feelings, you can examine their accuracy. Is your partner actually trying to control you? They want you to go to the party with them because they enjoy spending time with you; it was your dad who overbooked you and made you join every club at school. Is your partner actually criticizing your appearance? They paid you a compliment when they said you look good in blue; it was your middle-school classmates who routinely made fun of what you wore.

Don't kid yourself that childhood is "long ago and far away," or that you're "so over" childhood experiences you still recall with fear. These wounds will continue to pull you into the past until you assess their truth value.

One way to find the truth is to look at it from outside of your self. Considering other potential points of view, and what your partner might really be thinking, is a good way to get a clearer view of yourself and your issues. Or, you can take the direct route and just ask your partner to tell you the truth.

3. Reconsider the encounter and react appropriately.

Now that you know how you're really feeling, and you know how to check your feelings against the facts, you can differentiate what you assume you know from what you definitely know. You can think about what your partner did or said that upset you clearly and rationally, instead of filling in the blanks and overreacting.

When you're stuck in a fighting pattern and can't figure out why, the solution is reality testing. These three steps will help you to recognize when childhood baggage is dictating your relationship with your partner. When you can do that, I guarantee your relationship will become more honest, intimate, and fulfilling.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mindful-anger/201509/3-ways-stop-having-the-same-fight-over-and-over 

Standing Up For Yourself

Finding your voice means sticking up for yourself, but sometimes when you do that, it may rub other people the wrong way. So what do you do? Stick up for yourself or let things go?

As women, being people pleasers is innate. It's in us. We want people to like us. We don't want to say something too harsh, because then it will bother us if it hurts someone's feelings. So we'd rather be quiet, keep to ourselves, and not say anything just to ensure we don't offend someone.

When you do this once, you may not think it affects you. After all, it's only one time. One time leads to it being easier the second time and a third time and a fourth time. Until it just becomes habit for you to let things go, not worry about them, or just go with the flow. Then you become reserved and quiet, because you start to hide.

You hide yourself. You hide as a person. You hide your voice. You begin to think what you say and think doesn't matter. Then you believe you don't matter, which makes you dig your hiding spot deeper. You end up getting so worn out with being someone you aren't, it makes it harder to find your way out. It makes it nearly impossible to unveil yourself... so you just keep hiding.

Your voice is longing to be heard. It needs to be heard. When someone says don't stand up for yourself, ask them why they say this. Is it because they think you don't matter or what you believe doesn't mean anything? Is it because they feel threatened by your power? Do they want you to remain hidden, because it makes them feel better about themselves?

Don't allow someone else to tell you don't stick up for yourself. Don't allow someone else to say let it go. Don't allow someone else make you feel as though you aren't important, that what you say doesn't matter, or that you don't deserve to be treated better. Don't allow someone else to suggest you stay hidden.

Fight for what you believe. Stand up for your rights. Allow your voice to be heard. Never ever take less than you deserve. And when you believe someone is mistreating you, say so, and don't apologize for it. You deserve better than that. You are worth more than that. You matter, and if you don't stand up for you no one else will.

http://goarticles.com/article/Standing-Up-For-Yourself/9791899/