What Is Holding You Back From Being a Success

Given all the discussions we have, books being written, and seminars being taught on success you would imagine that we are living in a generation of exceptional successful people. But is that really the case? Have we been overtaken by a tsunami of people living the dream and being successful?

Far from it. Certainly, the rich are getting richer given how our laws are tilted towards making that so. And there are those who rise up to become successful, but they are in the minority. Overall a lot of people feel stuck in the mire of mediocrity unsure of what their next steps should be.

It is possible that there is something holding you back from embracing a lifestyle of success you are so worthy of achieving. Sadly, there are not many sources out there to help you get unstuck. There are a few things under your control which may help you to come out of the mud and step into the lifestyle and benefits of being successful;

• What is your personal definition of success - before you can begin any journey you must know the destination you are seeking to arrive at. Success means different things to different people. For some its finishing college, getting married, moving into a new house or landing that dream job. Whatever your definition is you should write it down, so you can be very clear about what success means to you.

• Review your past - take a good look at how you were raised. What environment did you grow up in? Was it accepting or demanding? Did you feel like you were loved or that you had to prove that you were worthy of being loved? Even if you grew up in a performance driven environment but knew you were loved it can help you to strive towards being successful today.

• Examine your present situation - are you surrounded by people who are pushing towards success or are you around people who could care less about success? Show me your friends and I can predict what your future will probably look like. Hang around people who are looking to be successful and those who have already attained a certain level of success.

• What are you willing to sacrifice - you cannot be successful doing what you are doing when what you are doing has not produced success. If you always do what you have always done you will always have what you already have now. You must step out of the box and take a chance at being great. See yourself living the life you deserve to live and ask yourself "what must I do to become this person I envision?

https://ezinearticles.com/?What-Is-Holding-You-Back-From-Being-a-Success&id=10352974

The SECRET To Building LOVE & ROMANCE In A Relationship | Jay Shetty & Radhi Shetty

How to Build and Exhume Confidence in Yourself

Do you count yourself as being one of those unfortunate creatures of God who are just not worthy of being loved, praised or appreciated? If yes, then chances are high that you also must be very insecure as a person, although you must be doing a pretty good job of concealing it. What you must realize at this point is that try as you might to hide your true feelings they find a way to manifest themselves in form of low self-esteem.

How you feel about yourself and judge your worth is described as self-esteem. To this effect, individuals who feel regard themselves poorly or inferior to others are the ones who suffer from low self-esteem. Having a low self-esteem is not about being quirky but about acknowledging that there is indeed a real problem at hand that needs to be solved before it sabotages all other aspects of life, most important among them being happiness.

Typical Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

Following are some behavior traits that are characteristic of people suffering from low self-esteem -

Extremely sensitive to criticism - Unlike most people who take criticism in stride, a person with low self-esteem is unduly sensitive to criticism. Psychologists attribute this to the uncertain mindset that is characteristic of such a person wherein he/she tends to closely observe other people's reactions and often arrives at a negative conclusion.

In the event of you being a person with low self-esteem, most of the times you would feel that others are justified in treating you badly.

Socially isolated - Individuals with low self-esteem tend to remain socially isolated, whether it is in form of staying away from a room-mate or spending time on phone despite being a part of a big gathering. Even if someone does try to approach such a person and strike a conversation, the attempt is futile since all that takes place is passing of insecurities in a bid to feel superior.

Attributing everything to luck - A typical characteristic of low self-esteem is to shrug off hard-earned success and attribute it to a blessing or simply sheer luck. The sign of a healthy self-esteem is to embrace success and return the compliment with a simple 'thank you'. On the flip side, one that is indicative of low self-esteem echoes the sentiment that whatever good happened was either due to someone else or could have been much better.

Appeasement policy - Backing out of an argument willingly or saying sorry to people irrespective of whether they deserve it or not is reflective of poor self-esteem. This is because a person having low self-esteem is scared to express his/her true feelings or opinions for the fear of being laughed at or rejected. Appeasement seems to be the best option to avoid a conflict or an argument.

Fatigue and insomnia - Feeling fatigued or spending too much time in bed without falling asleep reflect on an escapist mentality which in turn stems from low self-esteem. Slouching shoulders are also indicative of the fact that you do not consider yourself worthy enough.

Dealing with Low Self-Esteem

There are several factors that contribute towards a low self-esteem ranging from negligent or uninvolved parents to having a critical peer group, physical or mental trauma, negative thought patterns and unrealistic expectations. That said, it is equally important to bear in mind that self-esteem can be dealt with, meaning it is something that can be changed since it is after all a state of mind.

Raising self-esteem may take plenty of time and practice but as long as you are determined enough to challenge your own mindset and push it towards change, there is nothing that can stop you. Practicing self-esteem exercises and attending self-esteem workshops are some recommendations that could speed up the process but ultimately the choice is yours to make. And when you choose to change your thinking, not only do you gain a healthy self-esteem but also a world of positivism.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Build-and-Exhume-Confidence-in-Yourself&id=9686685

Do You Feel Unworthy, Rejected, or A Failure? (By Connie J Lee)

Most of us were not taught to be successful. I wasn't taught to have faith in God, let alone, believe in myself. I had to find that road on my own. I had to create a mental picture of the person I wanted to become, and take steps each day to become her. I closed my eyes, thought of where I would like to be in life, what I would have liked to achieved, where I would like to live, my professional office, my degrees, how I looked, my ideal weight, and even what I smelled like. With this visual image in mind, I stepped into her body. I wanted to resist because I was not having to struggle and fight, everything seemed to flow flawlessly. I made myself stay there until I was comfortable with the new me. It seemed a lot better than going back to where I was.

You deserve a better life. People may have used you, lied to you, abused you, and betrayed you, and made you think you do not deserve better, but you do; and deep down, you know it. We all have insecurities and limiting beliefs. How we let things go, how we do not set healthy boundaries, how we spend our money, how we are afraid to fail, and we are afraid of rejection, all stems from three beliefs we have of ourselves.

• We are afraid of failure. If we try, we may fail, so you don't try to follow things through, living a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• We are afraid of rejection. No one will want me or accept me if they truly knew who I am. The right people who are meant to be in your life, will love you and accept you the way you are. "Do not let the opinions of others, define who you are"!
• We feel unworthy. People in your life may have continually put you down to make themselves feel better, which is a psychological term called, "Leveling".. That has nothing to do with you, and says everything about who they are. Be proud of who you are. You are loved, accepted, and you are very worthy! You may lose a few friends, but you have to surround yourself with people who are on the same mission as you are, or like minded people.

I want to remind you that is okay to believe in your dreams, even when everyone else tells you have an impossible dream. Never let others, who have never achieved their dreams, keep you from obtaining yours. You know what you are capable of and your abilities. Skills and networks will happen along the journey. You just have to put one step in front of the other, and keep moving forward. Yes, you will fail! You will learn from your mistakes and find a better way of accomplishing the task that may lay before you. Have an impossible goal? Make a mind map. Put yourself in the center and your goal on the outside. Lay out each step it will take to get there and how you can make that happen. Find a mentor you can learn the skills you need to. YouTube has plenty of tutorials for you. If you seek a mentor in person or online, be prepared to ask relevant questions, so as to not waste their time and make it a valued experience for the both of you. Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE, which says, "I'M Possible". It is only your limited perspectives, beliefs, and values that put limits on what you could achieve. Whoever made you believe you are not good enough, you don't deserve peace in your life, you will always be rejected, and you are unlovable, was only projecting their fears and insecurities onto you. Shake it off!! Look yourself in the mirror every day, and tell yourself, "I Love You", "I am magnificent and worthy to receive all good things in my life". "I will take 5 actions every day to make that happen, and log them," "I am supported and respected". I will even go one step further and tell you to stand their naked, in all of your beautiful glory, flaws and all, and tell yourself, "I love even the hard to love flaws about myself." It is time to truly learn to love the valuable person you are. Stop giving others so much power to dictate your life, and tell you what image you should hold before they deem you acceptable to society. Stand up and take your power back!! Soon, your mind will begin to attract all of things you have written down. Don't sabotage it because it is out of your comfort zone. Embrace your new you and your new life, because you deserve so much more. You can do it. I believe in you. Now, get going, what are you sitting there for?

The truth is that nothing you do defines you as a person. You, that small part of the universal energetic flux, are enough, just the way you are. In fact, you are fundamental to the proper functioning of that massive cosmos as a whole. So don't sweat it when things don't work out the way you thought they would. Just keep moving forward, which will be further than most have ever tried.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Feel-Unworthy,-Rejected,-or-A-Failure?&id=9886042

How Your Anger Is Keeping You From Others

The angrier you are at the world the lonelier you will be.

We Are Angry at Ourselves, We Just Don't Like to Admit It.

Admit it, you're angry with yourself. We're the type of person who constantly complains for everything at anything if our demands aren't satisfied. Our childish nature drives governs every aspect of our life. Sooner or later we realize the world doesn't work this way. That is one more reason why we are angry.

The nitty gritty is we are wounded in the inside, we feel hurt. Our heart is full of sadness lacking love. We want people to understand us. We don't want them to go away but our anger spooks them.

We Are Scared In The Inside

We blame the rest. Truthfully, they are not the problem. We are the problem. We scare them away with our screams and shouts. No one wants to love an angry person. We do this to ourselves, not them.

Our biggest problem is that we want to be loved our way. We are stubborn, selfish in that aspect. But we do this to ourselves because we don't know how to love. How would you? No one ever taught you what love is.

Then we make the error that no one will ever love us because we expel anger. We do it for one reason. We do this to protect our wounded heart, we yell to feel dominant, we scream so we can be heard. We raise ours voices because no one listens to us, to our needs, which makes us feel isolated from the rest. We want to feel love but without the pain.

We don't want to be hurt anymore. We are constantly on guard. You put on this scary mask to hurt first so they can go away. That is one reason you're lonely. You want to hurt them before they hurt you. This only isolates you from the rest. You do this to yourself because the world has already conditioned you to not trust anybody. This mask helps us protect our wounded heart.

We don't want to be suffering anymore. That is why we are on constant guard from the rest. Our masks help us survive. It makes everyone go away but at the same time we are left alone. We put on this mask because we feel powerless so it's better to hurt first with the consequence of loneliness.

Anger Hides Who The Real Enemy Is

Did you know because you're on constant guard from the world you isolate yourself from your love ones? Sometimes I questioned people "What are you scared of?" Is your fear real or imaginary? Don't you get tired of running; of hiding from something that only exists in your mind?

The only way you think your pain will go away is if you feel safety. Solitude is refuge for you, but at the same time killing you. The pain will end once we feel safe.

You know the answer for your problem. The only way we can overcome this is by feeling loved, protected and safe. The only way we can achieve this is by letting our anger go away. Once our anger is dead we are given liberty, our families and most of all love. Love comes to those who accept it. Love does not follow those who are angry.

Words of advice, you must love yourself first. But how can you, if you don't know what love is and sadly you never received. How can we love if that is the answer? We must turn anger into love.

We must look at our past experiences that make us angry and re-understand how to love.

For some people its difficult for them to turn anger into love because of the following:

We Are Angry Because Life Has Taught Us To Be

Life has taught you to be angry. But don't put all the blame on them. You have to seriously look at the mirror and say " I am angry at myself!" We have a tendency to blame our anger & our suffering at our families except our selves. We are cowards in taking the responsibility for our own self-hopelessness. We are our own problem.

We are angry with ourselves for not doing anything to change our lives. It made us feel guilty for letting it govern our world. We feel guilty for growing up weak because we were always put down. That is why we have this tough guy mask to survive from those who humiliated us, dominated us and made us feel power-less. Deep down our anger is saying this:

"I am going to pretend I am angry and tough so I won't get hurt anymore that will scare them away"

Look at yourself closely. You're afraid. You're afraid of all those people that hurt you and demean you. Your anger also says another thing, "Love me, notice me but don't hurt me while doing it". Behind our anger is fear desiring to turn itself into love?

Honesty Will Set Us Free & Help Us Grow Strong

Stop pretending you're angry all the time. Be honest with yourself, you want to be loved. One thing is our lies will only scare everyone away. Our dishonesty and anger only creates loneliness. The world hates people like us. Change it.

Remember you are not fooling anyone. We are not. The gorilla suit we carry they can see a scared man or women in the inside, suffering. We have to take it away and let others know. Let others see that we need help. Our weaknesses, vulnerabilities need strength and love. 

The only way you will discover growth is by removing that suit.

Here Is How To Grow:

1. Remove your anger mask slowly to reveal your true nature. You'll be surprised how much people love you when you let them. 

2. Take responsibility of your own life and stop blaming others. Stop being angry. 

3. Be honest, the more honest you are with yourself the closer others will be with you, this is empowering yourself.

We understand that behind anger is a scared individual, but if we allow ourselves to stop pretending we will be loved.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-Your-Anger-Is-Keeping-You-From-Others&id=9020026

We Cannot Give What We Don't Have (By Rosemarie Sumalinog Gonzales)

One of the most important things that we need to realize whenever we attempt to do something with or for another, is that we cannot give what we do not have. We must first become and/or have what we desire to give.

We cannot give neither money nor food if we have none. However, we fail to understand that this applies at every level of our being. We can only give from our essence and what is in our soul. Apparently, many of us are unable to get what we want to achieve in life because we are unable to get what we desire within ourselves first. We are not able to create the necessary conditions within our own being to have what is necessary to accomplish our desired external experience.

We must somehow change the essence of our being because there are certain concepts and understanding about how we create our experiences that were never provided to us. This is particularly true for anything in our life.

We cannot give what we do not have. We need to somehow become what we want to be in life. Consequently, we cannot love ourselves in the way we need to be loved, we cannot give love to another. We might be able to give because of a sense of duty, obligation and expectations, but we cannot give love simply because we do not have it to give.

In reality, we look for satisfaction in what we desire externally rather than finding satisfaction in who and what we are. To find satisfaction in who and what we are allows us to feel a wholeness within our being and experience a oneness in our life. Our desires arise from a desire to share the abundance in our life with others rather than looking for another to satisfy our needs.

Life maybe that complicated, but we can simplify it by being grateful and thankful of what we have. We can share to others these virtues but oftentimes ignored by some because of their incapability to accept intangible things that money can't buy. It's difficult to open up and love without feeling vulnerable.

I don't know why other people impose too much. I am really a very nice person. But I am surrounded with very parasite people that they think of me as a wonder woman who can make everything possible. I am just like anybody else, imperfect but capable of loving and taking care of my family despite the odds. Why other people abuse my kindness? Can't they see my worth?

The reason why I don't want to stay near my family is that they want me to do everything for them despite the fact that I already gave them everything I have - time, money and effort. I also have kids who need my unconditional devotion.

You know that I would never leave you. I love you all.

I can only give what I have but not everything. I want to spare for myself and my kids.

http://ezinearticles.com/?We-Cannot-Give-What-We-Dont-Have&id=9774816

Message From the Universe: You Are Loved by Many!

"I had a dream last night that I was you. Doing all of your favorite things, with all of your favorite people, in all of your favorite places. I also dreamed that I was all of your favorite people.

Do you have any idea of how much each one of them loves you?

I didn't think so,

The Universe"

Imagine the Universe is choosing you as an example among the other 7.1 billion people living in this planet or even the other quadrillions living in parallel universes. I guess the Universe sees you as someone very very very special. You are walking in the right path, even though, at times, you may not feel like you are. You are working day and night, not sure if whatever you do will render the results you expect. The mystery is eating you up inside because of all the uncertainties you are facing every day. You know you have the skills and knowledge, but sometimes, it may not be enough to get to where you want to go. Every morning, you pray and feed your mind with positive thoughts so you can hopefully achieve your goals. You stay focused and not let anyone or anything stops you in your tracks. You have the right mind set to reach your dreams. Stay on this path, because it is the Universe who put you there.

There is NO question that you are being seen as someone with many talents. The Universe knows that and until you realize that by yourself, this is when you will experience hurdles and obstacles along the way. Know that you are capable of everything and if the Universe can see that in you, I am sure you can do the same. Many signs are around you, and it is up to you to open your eyes and understand the reasons as to why they are there. Even though it may seem too good to be true, it is important to NOT search for complicated reasons as to why these signs are there to guide you. Come to realization that they are there to bring you back to the path you were meant to be in and redirect you to where you need to go. Just stop looking for complicated ways to achieve things in life, and learn to simplify it by accepting things the way they are.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Message-From-the-Universe:-You-Are-Loved-by-Many!&id=9485318

Tired Of Being A Doormat? Use These Ten Tips To Help You Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Risking Conflict By Speaking Your Truth

As a therapist and transformational life coach specializing in relationships and communication, and as a recovering people-pleaser and codependent myself, I know first-hand how difficult it can be to risk conflict in order to have your true thoughts, feelings, preferences, and needs heard and seen by others. However, it ultimately serves no-one when a relationship is dependent on one person hiding their true self in order to please another. Learn how people-pleasing may actually be harming you and your relationships and read my ten tips on how to start caring for yourself by being honest and assertive, beginning today.

What's A People-Pleaser?

People-pleasers (also referred to at times as 'codependents') seek validation from others that they are acceptable and worthy of being liked or loved, and can be so 'other' focused that they often have no idea what they really feel, think, want, or need. People-pleasers are typically individuals who learned early on in life that their true self expressions were not acceptable, and that their self-worth must be extracted from those around them in a never-ending quest to feel okay, accepted, liked, and loved.

Are You A People-Pleaser?

If you're a people-pleaser, you likely avoid conflict as much as possible, and will deny your own truth in an attempt to make those you are dependent on and/or care about comfortable. You'll do anything you can to 'keep the peace', even if that means betraying and abandoning yourself by repressing your own preferences and needs. In fact, you may be so focused on tending to the wants and needs of those around you that you have lost touch with who you really are at the most basic, fundamental level, to the point where you might be feeling depleted, angry, and exhausted much of the time without ever realizing it is because of your chronic people-pleasing ways.

Why People-Pleasing Serves No One In The End

Get ready for a good hard dose of reality: Subservient, ingratiating behavior serves no one, ever, no matter how much you'd like to believe it does. By surrendering control to others and abandoning yourself, you are allowing yourself to live a lie - And lies serve no one in the end. And remember, you also may be attempting to control others via your people-pleasing ways by making them dependent on you. A healthy adult relationship requires that the two people involved create a relational environment that is reciprocal, truthful, respectful, and interdependent. Hiding our true selves and pretending we are something other than what and who we actually are is ultimately dishonest and far more damaging to a relationship than voicing a truth that might result in heated discussion or out-and-out conflict.

Ten Tips To Help You Start Taking Care Of Yourself And Stop People-Pleasing Others

Although it takes courage to practice new behaviors, people-pleasers who learn to live authentically find that the freedom they experience in being themselves makes risking conflict worth it. Below are some tried and true methods to help you stop people-pleasing others so that you can live a happier, more emotionally honest and fulfilled life:

1. Recognize that you may have learned early in life that your self-worth depends on what others think of you (children who grew up in abusive environments are especially likely to believe this).

2. Acknowledge that your self-worth does not belong in the hands of others - Nobody should have that much power over what you think and how you feel about yourself.

3. Decide that you will no longer play the People-Pleasing Game; it will take time, dedication, and commitment, but it is possible to change.

4. Check in with yourself during interactions with others, especially when communicating with those that you tend to people-please the most. Focus on what feels true and right for you during these conversations, even if you are not yet ready to risk conflict by expressing a differing view, feeling, or need. Write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal after such difficult or uncomfortable interactions. Get to know yourself and become curious about what you really feel and think.

5. Determining your values, identifying your priorities, and defining your beliefs are three of the most effective ways to build a strong foundation from which to speak your truth when communicating with others. Take time to be with yourself and even write down your priorities in life and what is most important to you. This will help you to develop your ability to agree or disagree and say "no" or "yes" (and mean it), no matter what the situation is.

6. "My decision is final". Once you determine your values and better understand what is best and most right for you, plan on saying "My decision is final" if you anticipate that rejecting or denying a request will not be well received. Role-play with your significant other or a trusted friend, if needed, so you can get used to saying this one simple phrase. These four words will go a long way to ensure that any doors that might allow you to be manipulated by others, especially people who were able to take advantage of you in the past, are firmly closed and will save you much grief down the road.

7. Use empathic reflection when asserting yourself with others, including recognized 'authority figures'. Here's an example from my own life: I recently saw a doctor for a minor physical complaint. His recommended intervention was unacceptable to me for various reasons. My response was to say, "I understand why you might be recommending that, and if I were in your shoes I imagine I would too. But that route is not one I wish to go down. My decision is final." After saying this and dialoguing a bit more, we went on to find a remedy that we both felt comfortable with, and the treatment was ultimately successful.

8. Choose your battles: If you sense or suspect that your honest expressions are going to result in a conflict that you just don't feel ready or equipped to deal with, it's okay to acknowledge the truth to yourself and choose not to express it. Some things matter more than others. Talk to a trusted friend, journal your thoughts and feelings, or consider seeing a licensed Psychotherapist, Counselor, or Transformational Life Coach to help you sort out what really matters most to you and what doesn't. Remember, some people will not be able to hear or compassionately receive, much less respect, your truth if they find it personally or professionally inconvenient or threatening. Remember, not everyone is looking for honest, reciprocal relationships; such people may even attempt to judge, shame, or blame you for speaking your truth - Or even try to convince you that your truth is a lie.

9. Don't explain yourself in an attempt to justify your position. This is a real trap that people-pleasing types fall into repeatedly. You're entitled to have your own thoughts, feelings, experiences, needs, and preferences, just like everybody else. The fact that some people in your life don't agree with you or respect your truth doesn't make them right. Trust yourself and your perceptions. Sometimes our "gut feelings' can tell us far more about a person or a situation than anything that is being overtly presented to us.

10. Remember the power of choice: Adults who learned to people-please in childhood are often genuinely unaware that they have the ability to choose how they will conduct themselves in a relationship. If you are tired of being a door-mat, then maybe it is time to get up off of the floor.

It's Never Too Late To Cultivate Authentic Relationships And Start Caring For Yourself

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9 Steps to Being Unforgettable

Ah, those unforgettable people in our lives... what was it that made them so? Was it their beauty or masculinity, a call of the wild raw sex appeal, special secret scent or even their brilliant mind and accomplishments? How about personal wealth or social standing; could any of these have been the reasons we found them unforgettable? Why not, when they touch so many of our senses? But that's not it! To be unforgettable requires much more than these traits that cost so much to maintain.

Unforgettable requires things that come from within; traits that are particular to a person; those that touch us so deeply we wrap their memories in a blanket called unforgettable. What are these special attributes?

1) They notice things about us and our lives without their attention ever being directed to look closer. They notice inner pain; struggles, fears and dreams; they support and inspire us to rise to higher ground, to believe in ourselves. Somehow, these people see the best that can be in most things around them. Topping the list is to pay attention to that which you care about and those who matter in your life.

2) They remember... special dates, special times, what makes us feel secure or loved and what has caused the pain, and act accordingly to recreate it or avoid more of the same that hurt us.

3) They celebrate or commiserate with us on even the smallest things. This creates a sense of being loved and protected and a knowingness that they will be there for us.

4) They are quick to note our strengths and unafraid to voice those to others, creating a support system that can be counted on.

5) They are confident, unafraid to stand strong in the face of adversity; they stand without drama and stay the course.

6) They are never afraid to say, "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong," but only if it is true. They are not wishy-washy nor do they bend like reeds in the wind; this is why we respect them so.

7) They have a sense of humor and rarely take themselves or any challenge so seriously that it could interfere with being comfortable with who they really are.

8) Their priorities are about people, not wealth or status. Regardless of how busy their schedule is, they take the time to listen, share and let us know we matter. They have an innate understanding that the building blocks of life are labeled with integrity and honor in all things.

9) They have a zest for life that extends to people, animals and even nature. They freely express their gratitude about others actions or traits, noticing how they have benefited from them along the way. They are in touch with all things great and small, never fearing that this will in any way diminish them.

If being unforgettable is your goal, these are the traits that define it. It comes from within!

http://ezinearticles.com/?9-Steps-to-Being-Unforgettable&id=9323375

Why You Need a No-Fault Relationship

... and how the happiest couples avoid a classic psychological trap.

It was the evening of Denise's 40th birthday, and she was furious. "How could he?" she thought, deeply upset that her husband Tom hadn't given her a birthday card "from" their eight-month-old daughter.

After all, she explained to Tom the next day, "You always sent me a card from the dog, so how could you not have known I was expecting one from the baby?"

Denise's distress, as funny as it may sound, is not unusual. We all give ourselves much more leeway than we give our mates.

To Denise, it wasn't enough that Tom was overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with being a new father. It didn't occur to her that she hadn't fixed Tom's favorite dinner lately. But, really, what new mother has time? To her, her reasons are reasons, while Tom's were excuses.

In our heart of hearts, we want to be loved unreservedly. We figure that if our mate really understood us, he or she would forgive our trivial imperfections and focus on our many fabulous traits. Yet we often have a hard time giving that same unconditional affection to our partners.

The Most Common Error

Source: MJTH/Shutterstock

Psychologists call this the self-serving bias. It's hard to be objective about ourselves. When our mate does something we don't like, we attribute their behavior to their character, rather than trying to understand the factors that created the particular situation.

We know our own good motives, but our partner's are less believable. In other words, it's obvious why I messed up, but when you do it, you're thoughtless—and you obviously don't love me anymore.

To avoid falling into the self-serving bias trap, always assume goodwill. Take the example of Lacey and her husband Madison: He's been coming home late from work a lot lately, overflowing with regret and explanations of how he got bogged down at the office. Lacey wonders if maybe he values his job more than her and their kids.

She would do better to look at it differently: Madison is caught between the demands of a stressful job, which he's doing in order to support his family, and his desire to spend more time with them. If she'd stop blaming, she might begin to understand his point of view. And then perhaps they could brainstorm ways to improve things.

Some couples' arguments go on year after year: Jonathan sits in the driver's seat "like a dummy," insists his wife LeeAnn, who directs him wherever they go. But she has a choice: She could continue to get annoyed with him, or she might realize he just has a miserable sense of direction. 

Spouses sometimes complain that their mate never surprises them by planning an impromptu outing. Many of those same partners, though, never plan anything in advance. When you ask for what you want, you may get it quickly, but if you wait for a partner to plan your social life, you might end up with none. 

Is Anger Natural?

Say your partner has done something utterly infuriating—forgotten to give you a phone message, woken you up too early, spent money on themselves that you'd agreed would be saved, or something more major. Anger may be a natural response. But you can go back later and do your best to get into their frame of mind. And you'd be surprised how loving you may end up feeling once you "get it." And they may be so grateful for your efforts that they'll think twice before repeating the error. And maybe you won't feel anger as your first response the next time things don't go your way.

Even if you can only stop playing the blame game with supreme effort, you'll soon find yourselves feeling more warmly toward one another.

Let's say your partner gets home very late one night and forgets to take out the trash barrels that are set to be picked up in the morning. When the truck wakes you both in the morning, and he says, "I forgot to take out the barrels," what goes through your mind? The wise response is not to assume selfish sloth on his part. Optimally, you'd accept that your partner, often preoccupied, simply forgot. 

Our ways of thinking about why those we love behave in certain ways are often just plain wrong. When Sally asks Lew to pick up some coffee when he's out getting groceries and he brings back "the wrong kind," she is tempted to say, "How could you not know that I never buy this flavor? You never pay attention to anything I say or do." Whereas Lew spent a long time in front of the coffee selections, finally opting to buy the most expensive type, hoping to please his spouse.   

By assuming goodwill, you can cut out 95 percent of your conflicts. When you know in your gut that those who love you are acting with all good intentions, misunderstandings diminish dramatically. Remember: The person who has pledged eternal love to you can have a bad day and make mistakes. Just like you. 

4 Ways to Make It Work for You

Here are four more ways to make the no-fault solution work in your own relationship:

1. Recognize that if you don't know what was in your mate's mind, you don't know the whole story. Train yourself to see things through his or her eyes. Ask, "If things were to go your way, what would that look like?" Don't try to argue them out of their point of view—the purpose is understanding. Ask, "If I could read your mind about this, what would I learn?"
2. When you're upset by something your mate does, ask yourself whether they meant their actions to have the effect they had on you.
3. Role-play the conflict, with each of you pretending to be the other. Try to put yourself in your partner's mind when you act out their role, verbalizing what you're feeling. Did they get close to how you were thinking? Did you get close to their mental state?
4. Write down everything that drives you mad about your spouse. Then create a list of your own potentially annoying habits as you imagine your spouse would write it. Learn anything?

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creating-in-flow/201512/why-you-need-no-fault-relationship

5 Hard Truths That Are Actually Quite Liberating

We humans believe in self-improvement. God bless us, we do. We believe in better, faster, thinner. We believe in six-pack abs. We believe in firm and tight. We believe in younger. We believe in living life to the fullest. We believe the sky’s the limit. We believe there’s nothing we can’t do if we put our minds to it.

We believe in second and third chances. We believe in as many chances as the world will give us. We believe in picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off. We believe in getting right back on that horse. We don’t give up. We read books and blog posts (like this one) and attend retreats and seminars that teach us how to succeed, how to live longer, how to find our true selves, how to meditate, how to put down our phones and be more mindful.

God bless us, we try. And we try.

As a writer, I fail way more than I succeed. And as a human, failure is a given. We fail ourselves and those we love in ways large and small. Our bodies, in the end, fail us.

But we keep trying. There’s something admirable about that. And, to be honest, a little heartbreaking. We poor humans are never quite enough for ourselves.

I know whereof I speak. I’m a born striver. I’ve spent most of my life trying to do better. Which means that I’ve spent most of my life not feeling quite good enough. Over the years I’ve amassed an impressive collection of self-help books. Because I’m a fiction writer whose shelves are filled with books by the likes of Virginia Woolf and Alice Munro, I’ve always been a little bashful about letting others know that I own so many self-help books and that I’ve found some of them, well, helpful. I’ve always kept them in boxes in my basement where no one could see them.

A few weeks ago, when my family moved, I had the opportunity to go through these boxes. All those self-help books told the story of a man who has spent years trying to improve himself, a man who is perhaps wiser and more peaceful in some ways, but still struggles with the same challenges and demons that led him to self-help books in the first place.

As I write this, I am sitting in my new house. My bookshelves are filled with hundreds of books, but way up high in a corner one shelf is reserved for the self-help books I decided to keep—a total of 12 (I just counted). I must have thrown away three times as many.

Lately, I’ve been trying hard not to try so hard. Which, of course, is an oxymoron. So perhaps a better way to put it is this: I’ve been trying my best to accept what is. I’ve discovered that when I’m able to accept reality, when what is is enough, an enormous weight lifts from my shoulders and I’m as close to free as I ever feel.

I know, I know, I’m still preaching self-improvement, but I see it as a different kind—a radical and mindful acceptance of reality.

The following five doses of reality may sound negative, but the catch is, they’re not; they’re actually liberating.

1. You may not be as talented as you think you are or would like to be.

Some days it seems that everyone in the world is writing a book or making a film or recording an album or trying to make it as an actor. And that’s fine. The practice of being creative is incredibly meaningful and rewarding. But not everyone has the talent to be successful to the same degree. And that’s okay.

2. You will fail more often than you succeed.

It’s important to set goals and to try our best. But success is not given. The process is really what matters. There is honor and even beauty in failure.

You may try and try and still never achieve the goals you set out to achieve. And that’s okay.

3. You are special, but not in the way you would like to think you are.

So many of us need to feel special. We want to feel important. We want to be admired and loved. It’s part of the reason why so many people want to be famous.

Every human life is singular and important, but no human life is more special than any other. Not even yours. And that’s okay.

4. Most of what happens in life is beyond your control.

You can try to plan your life, but your life has its own plans. We tend to fight against life’s detours even though they often end up being precisely what we need. Anything can happen to you at any time. And that’s okay.

5. Everything changes.

This is something we know on many levels, but perhaps not on the most important level. Nothing is permanent; everything passes; everything lives and dies. Even those you love most. Even you. It can be freeing to accept this difficult but unavoidable truth.

Only by imagining the alternative—a life in which nothing changes and everyone lives forever—are we able to see that change is what makes life precious. And that despite even this truth, it will be okay.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12578/5-hard-truths-that-are-actually-quite-liberating.html