Stockholm Syndrome and Addictions

To understand what a trauma bond is and how it applies to addiction, we will start with a brief lesson on the Stockholm syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity.

These feelings, resulting from a bond formed between captor and captives during intimate time spent together, are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims. Generally speaking, Stockholm syndrome consists of "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."

Formally named in 1973 when four hostages were taken during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, Stockholm syndrome is also commonly known as 'capture bonding'. The syndrome's title was developed when the victims of the Stockholm bank robbery defended their captors after being released and would not agree to testify in court against them. Stockholm syndrome's significance arises because it is based in a paradox, as captives' sentiments for their captors are the opposite of the fear and disdain an onlooker may expect to see as a result of trauma.

There are four key components that generally lead to the development of Stockholm syndrome:

1. A hostage's development of positive feelings towards their captor

2. No previous hostage-captor relationship

3. A refusal by hostages to cooperate with police forces and other government authorities

4. A hostage's belief in the humanity of their captor for the reason that when a victim holds the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat.

So the important part to understand here is that even though the bond between captor and hostage seems illogical, there is a very logical reason behind it: survival and the need to bond.

The unfortunate experiments done on monkeys by Harlow illustrate the need to bond to survive. Baby monkeys were taken from their mothers at birth and given wood or metal "surrogate monkeys" covered with cloth to cling to. After a while, the baby monkeys saw these mannequins as "their mothers" and preferred them to live individuals. Then later when these babies grew up and had their own young, they had no idea how to parent and even threw their offspring against their cage and sometimes killed them. Yet, the little ones kept coming back to their mothers, preferring possible death to inevitable death and starvation if they were to stay away.

The way Stockholm syndrome is treated is through psychological counseling and the understanding that it was necessary to form an unhealthy bond in order to survive the trauma of captivity. It is a gradual shift in thinking, similar to healing from brainwashing. This does not absolve the victim from accountability but helps them break their unhealthy bond and cultivate new ones.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Stockholm-Syndrome-and-Addictions&id=9679803

ARE YOU CHASING THEM WITH YOUR ENERGY!? Accidental sabotage / Manifest a Specific Person

Social Contagion - You Become The Company You Keep

During the 2020 Coronavirus lockdown we have all gone to great lengths to avoid this highly contagious virus and have experienced varying levels of state enforced social distancing.

With the phased lifting of the lockdown, and the resumption of social contact we are now increasingly exposed to another threat, another form of contagion.

This renewed threat is known as emotional contagion, which is the effect and impact of other people's emotions on our own dominant emotional state. This matters, as many of our life experiences are created or attracted by our dominant emotional state.

Because the means of transmission is via renewed and increasing social contact I reframe this as social contagion.

The Tidal Swirl Of Other People's Emotional Turbulence

In her highly regarded book "An Abbreviated Life - A Memoir" former Sunday Times journalist Ariel Leve paints a painful, poignant portrait of our vulnerability to the tidal swirl of other people's emotional turbulence.

This is especially true when we are children. Leve recounts how as a child she desperately attempted to ride the emotional waves emanating from her mother, whom she describes as volatile and narcissistic.

"I had no choice but to exist in the sea that she swam in. It was a fragile ecosystem where the temperature changed without warning. My natural shape was dissolved and I became shapeless."

Leve explains:

"When somebody's mood can shift quickly, you're always on your toes and you're always on guard, which means you can never really relax. And as a consequence, as an adult, I find that I absorb the mood and energy of other people very intensely, so I need a lot of time alone to decompress."

Her experience resonates with me.

Is this OK for Dad?

I recall as a child accompanying my father on his rounds as a grocery delivery man. Each time we visited a new location, I would immediately tune in to my highly sensitised "vibe antennae" and take the emotional and psychic temperature of the site to see if it felt "OK for Dad", was it somewhere that he would like and that would make him happy.

At the time I didn't know why I did this. But it was a habitual thing and developed into a form of hyper-vigilance where I was constantly taking the emotional and psychic temperature of new situations and places.

Church bells and overwhelming feelings of misery

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon and I was sitting on a bench in the churchyard of an old English parish church. The sun was shining, birds were singing, butterflies were fluttering, my mood was mellow and I basked in the warmth of the late summer sun.

The church bells started ringing... and within seconds my mood changed and I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, melancholy and misery.

Reflecting on that experience in early adulthood I realised that the sound of church bells always had that effect on me since my childhood.

Following some forensic trawling through childhood memories supported by corroboration from my elderly mother I came to understand that as very small child my family had lived next to a church in a small country village. My mother told me that she was very unhappy at that time and frequently overwhelmed with feelings of misery and despair.

Her powerful feelings had infected me and become associated with the sound of church bells ringing.

How a leader's emotions infect an organisation

In 2001 Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of what he termed "Primal leadership" and outlined research that he and his team conducted in a study of 3,871 executives and their direct reports and it showed that the leader's style determines about 70% of the emotional climate which in turns drives 20-30% of business performance.

In an interview (with Stephen Bernhut in "Leaders Edge", Ivey Business Journal May/June 2002) Daniel Goleman said:

"Emotions are contagious, and they are most contagious from the top down, from leader to followers."

"When Likes Aren't Enough" - how social media negatively affects mental health

In "When Likes Aren't Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness" Professor Tim Bono tackles the ever-popular subject of happiness and well-being, but reframes it for a younger reader struggling with Instagram envy.

The Nursing Times have recently published a study "How use of social media and social comparison affect mental health"

The Centre For Mental Health recently published: "How use of social media and social comparison affect mental health"

In June 2014 PNAS published the results of a massive study on Facebook users: "Experimental evidence of massive-scale emotional contagion through social networks"

Clearly there are so many ways that we are affected by other people's emotions. We are emotional and thus energetic beings, and we live in an energetic universe that responds to our dominant energetic state in the experiences that we create and attract.

Two important questions arise from this:

(1) How are we so susceptible to other peoples' emotions?

(2) What steps can we take to protect others and ourselves?

How Are We So Susceptible To Other Peoples' Emotions?

Elaine Hatfield Professor of Psychology (University of Hawaii), and co-author of a pioneering academic book "Emotional Contagion" defines "primitive" emotional contagion as the:

"... tendency to automatically mimic and synchronize facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and movements with those of another person and, consequently, to converge emotionally... "

The contagion occurs in three stages:

1. Mimicry
2. Feedback
3. Contagion.

Social contagion is a hardwired reflex that is a basic building block of human interaction. It has an evolutionary purpose in that is helps us coordinate and synchronize with others, empathize with them, and read their minds. All of these are critical survival skills.

What Steps Can We Take To Protect Ourselves & Others?

Here are 4 key steps:

(1) Quarantine yourself until you have figured how not to contaminate others with your bad mood. So, bless them with your absence!

(2) Inoculate yourself with mindfulness practice

(3) Drop the story and find the feeling by meditating with emotions

(4) Share compassion - and become a bodhisattva-warrior - with a vow to care of one another

I leave you with this sobering thought from Jack Canfield:

"You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with."

https://ezinearticles.com/?Social-Contagion---You-Become-The-Company-You-Keep&id=10391840

Just Because It Feels Right Doesn't Make It Right (By Tim Connor)

You would be amazed at how many people let their feelings rather than common sense or reality determine their attitudes, behavior, and decisions. Now, I'm not implying that all feelings are not appropriate or don't have value when it comes to life and career choices and actions but in a world driven today by so many emotional circumstances you might just want to pause or even check your feelings at the door before you make serious decisions or react or respond to various situations.

Let me give you a couple of real examples that I have witnessed in the past several days while on the road speaking in several states.

Flying back from Oklahoma a few weeks ago, the gate agent seemed to be in a depressed mood. They just weren't very friendly, accommodating or interested in my question. So, being who I am I tried to make them laugh with a simple and straight-forward comment (innocent and non-threatening in any way). Well - they jumped all over me with "Who do you think you are talking to me that way? I don't have to put up with your crap. I can't believe anyone could be that insensitive." Etc. Etc.

Needless to say, I ended the conversation and headed back to my seat and opened my book and started reading.

While eating lunch at a restaurant I overheard the couple behind me give the server the "you better or else" treatment because they didn't bring the bread to the table fast enough. They then complained to the manager (where everyone within earshot could hear) about the experience and saying the person should be fired.

Ever had anyone blow up at you when what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do that was as kind, compassionate, simple etc. that even someone from another planet would not interpret incorrectly but they did?

Folks, just because you are in a hurry and behind me in line doesn't mean I have to rush the person in front of me.

Just because it's raining, and you don't like rain doesn't mean I have to listen to your ranting and raving about rain. Just because I am an insensitive idiot doesn't mean you have to put up with me and don't have the right to walk away or leave the room.

But, it doesn't help when we "lose it" regardless of the importance or lack of it in any situation. And believe me, we are living at a time when a lot of folks have really thin skin or any number of rules, expectations or guidelines as to what is acceptable or even allowed currently in today's world according to their values, beliefs etc. no matter how far out of reality they might be.

Don't believe me? I have over 3000+ articles on a variety of various global websites and add several new ones each week and believe me - I get at least ten emails a day from someone around the world who takes issue with what I have said or how I have said it. Get over it...

Trust me - I'm not implying that I am right, the smartest person in the Universe, the most experienced, the best at anything or even smarter than you - but I do have the right to share my opinion, idea, comment - whatever - and yes you have the right to comment back to me about it - but let me ask you - do you really think you help your cause by making it (your disagreement with me) public to everyone - everywhere?

When we let our feelings - which are nothing more than internal emotional expressions of beliefs, values, attitudes, expectations, rules etc. shared in an external way - we might want to consider that the person in front of us, behind us or even next to us, just is not interested in our ranting, raving or our opinion.

I have seen more people on social media sites share personal stuff that I just can't believe that they would want out there in public. Do you really think most people care that you were dumped? Do you think most people care that I am lonely, angry, frustrated - whatever? Yes, maybe a few close friends, relatives or maybe even co-workers or clients might care or have an interest - but the whole world?

Do you really need that much attention? Are you really that insecure? Are you really that needy? Are you really that narcissistic?

We all have life issues, challenges, problems, disappointments, failures, losses, frustrations etc. But do you really think the entire world gives a crap about all of your stuff?

Again, it's simple - if you don't like my article - stop reading. Throw it away. Delete it - whatever. If you don't like the movie - leave. If you don't like the TV show - use the remote. If you don't like the noise in the restaurant - leave. If you disagree with someone on a social media site - delete them, unfriend them, unfollow them.

It's not that complicated.

If I care, I care and if I don't I don't. If I do it's because you and I are emotionally connected in some way. If I don't that doesn't make me disrespectful, uncompassionate or any other negative emotional response.

There is an incredible amount of pain and suffering everywhere in the world today. I've seen it in every one of the 45 counties I have spoken in or visited. Hunger, death, pain, loss, suffering etc. is rampant everywhere in the world and even in our country. I can't be there for everyone, but I can be there for the people that matter in my life or I know personally. This doesn't mean I am not aware or sensitive to all of the global, national or community pain and wrongdoing but none of us have the capacity to spend our time and life just feeling for what everyone around us is feeling or experiencing while disregarding our own lives.

I don't care if it's the ASPA, St. Jude, Shriners or Savelives.com. I can't be there for everyone and everyone can't be there for me.

I don't know about you but the continuous expression on social media by people who feel they are experiencing unique life challenges that the rest of us have never had to deal with - well, trust me - I've been there and so have you.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Just-Because-It-Feels-Right-Doesnt-Make-It-Right&id=9997793

Finding Flow

When we're in flow, we're in the zone, that beautiful place of creative expression. It's typically accompanied with ease, grace, and a lost sense of time. Flow is place where new ideas sprout and grow. It's where we feel energized and engaged in creative pursuit. In short, flow feels great.

Who doesn't want flow?

But where do we find flow? And how do we move into it when we're reeling from the world around us?

The past year has been triggering, disruptive, distracting, overwhelming, and for some of us, downright traumatizing. It has left so many of us feeling completely and utterly exhausted. It's been easy, even necessary, to revert to old coping habits that allow us to escape, tune out, and numb down our feelings.

And, it's exceedingly hard to flow when we're experiencing any of the above.

So, if this is where you find yourself, know that you have my compassion and deep understanding. And, along with my compassion, I bring you some tips to find your flow again. Tips I use all the time to get back into my own flow.

Stay with your feelings -- Feelings, when embraced, will begin to dissipate, and feel more manageable. This will allow you to stay in the moment, and it's in the moment where we find flow.

Get your energy moving -- Don't wait for motivation. Move your body on a daily basis. Yoga, walks, workouts, dance. Movement will break up stagnant energy, helping you move into flow.

Take one step -- Get started. Jumpstart momentum by doing one small thing at a time. We strangle our flow by focusing only on the massive work we have to get done. Focus instead on one thing at a time and you will get it done. This helps you stay present, in the moment, and will increase feelings of accomplishment, and flow.

Let go of stagnating habits -- Easier said than done, right? Yes, definitely, but here's a way to start.

First, get clear about the habits which keep you stagnated. Notice which feelings trigger the desire to indulge in a habit. Stay with these feelings. When you do indulge in your habit, notice what happens to your sense of flow. No judgement here -- just mindfulness. Remember -- limiting habits start as coping strategies. The key is to stay with the feelings that we're trying to avoid. Again, staying with your feelings will them process and become more manageable. This in itself will facilitate flow.

Use energy work -- The goal of energy work is to help stuck energy move into a healthy flow. Recurring habits, reactions, and emotions signal that energy flow has been disrupted. Practices such as EFT Tapping, Matrix Reimprinting, Acupuncture, along with other energy modalities, are effective for clearing disruptions to flow.

Wishing you abundant flow,

https://ezinearticles.com/?Finding-Flow&id=10433572

How to Correct Someone Without Embarrassing or Angering Them

Do you know someone who is blundering some way? Do not pinpoint his mistakes directly. Why? Because s/he may feel less than or humiliated. There is an art to rectify them. How is it possible? Read on to find out.

Here are some ways:

Do not let him understand the motive of your conversation. Start talking with him generally, about his family, what his family members are doing, how he is finding the projects at work and which ones he is finding interesting. Then casually say that there is something you would like him to improve. His get up is not appropriate for office. Ask him to look at the people around him and what they are wearing. No jeans, no sport shoes. Ask him to emulate them right away.

Then tell him everything else is okay with him. You think he is a good and efficient coworker. Buy him lunch and continue your conversation in a light tone until he is comfortable back in his skin. Your objective behind your conversation is fulfilled without embarrassing or angering him.

Another example could be that you are not satisfied with the formatting of a document done by a coworker. The best way to approach him would be to say something good about him at first. For instance, he is always punctual about submitting his work. You let him know that. Then tell him gently what it is about the document you find unsatisfactory. Given the initial praise, your coworker would take in the criticism more openly and happily.

The same applies to your family and kids. Your spouse may be erring somewhere in the household, which you may not like. Don't let her understand what your intention is behind striking a jolly conversation with her. Let her know politely what she is doing wrong with a household appliance.

Share coffee together and add other topics to your conversation. Then your spouse will be happy to take your advice with no grudges. She will hardly understand the motive behind your conversation and she will be delighted to handle the household appliance in a way you like the next time she uses it.

Teenage kids are hard to handle. Your son may be watching too many movies and cartoons on the TV more than giving time to doing homework and studying. Sit beside your son. Tell him all the good qualities about him- the way he lends a helping hand in the household activities, the way he loves both his parents and grandparents and the way he picks up his friends.

Then in a delicate tone after the good dose, let him know that you are disappointed in him that he neglects doing homework and studying which is an important part of his life. Now is the time to build his foundation in knowledge. If he doesn't pay attention to school, he will always feel inferior and less than in future. Ask your son if he got your point and whether he will promise to be more regular with school.

Summing up, the two strategies I mentioned in this article are great ways to convince people to do things in a way you like, correcting them with no hard feelings on their side.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Correct-Someone-Without-Embarrassing-or-Angering-Them&id=10236386

Feelings Are Part of the Personal Sphere

'Feelings are part of your personal sphere. Nobody can make you feel anything toward them. Whatever you feel has nothing to do with their behavior or actions.'

I know you might be a bit shocked by my words now. They're not what most people say or believe. But bear with me for a little while longer, so I can explain myself, because this is an important gift I'd like to give you.

We grow up learning that others are to be blamed or thanked for our feelings. We spend our lives looking at others in order to decide how to feel. If I feel upset, it's because X did something to me. If I am happy, it's because Y made me so. But I disagree with that lesson. I don't believe that anybody has the power to make us feel anything. I believe that we own our feelings completely. We choose how to feel about events.

When somebody does something, it is in your power to interpret that action as something harmful, neutral or even positive. You take those actions and study them against your previous knowledge and experience. You, very quickly and subconsciously, decide then what they mean. Imagine you have grown to believe that that specific type of behavior is negative, you will feel a negative reaction inside you. But another person whose life experience taught him that the same behavior is positive, would feel a positive reaction inside. It is therefore not the behavior, the action or the event in itself that causes our reactions, but our previous experience and knowledge that determine how we're going to feel about something.

We're all born without preconceptions. If a baby receives only abuse, he might grow up seeking abuse as a form of affection, which is an extreme illustration of the process.

We're taught how to feel: 'this is good, that is bad.' We then feel whatever it is that we learned to feel. When somebody does something that should make us feel a certain way, we make them responsible for our feelings; we "blame" them when, in reality, it is us interpreting their actions that triggers our feelings. The same action can make us feel good today but bad 10 years from know, if our life experience teaches us a different perspective. Look back if you want to see what I mean. Isn't there anything that you used to consider "bad" or "negative" that you find somehow "good" or "positive" today?

I encourage you to take control of your own feelings. They only belong to you. Nobody has any power over them.

Imagine that somebody slaps you. It is your choice how you interpret it. We're taught to think something like "that person hurt me." What I propose, instead, is that you start interpreting events more along the lines of... "I feel... by that person's action." It is you who feels; it is you who interprets; it is your decision. Take the power away from others. That power is yours, only yours.

'But bad is bad,' you might tell me. And this is my gift to you. Whatever others do, it is for you to take it in such a way that you feel empowered. Even if you think that a certain action is bad, you might choose to take it as a lesson or as a trigger to do something instead of just choosing to feel hurt or damaged. Take responsibility for your feelings, owe them completely, and you will have control of a great part of your life.

Enjoy life... ALL of it,

https://ezinearticles.com/?Feelings-Are-Part-of-the-Personal-Sphere&id=9935422

Yes You Become What You Think About

Indeed, you become what you think about. The human mind is the last great unexplored continent on earth. It contains untapped riches beyond your wildest dreams. And it returns anything you want to plant. But this brainpower is often unused because people take it for granted. Yet it is a free gift!

Why do so many of us often forget the free ability of our mind? How can you discover its concealed riches? And why your day-to-day thoughts are so important?

Well, let me explain why you become what you think about. Throughout history, the great wise men and teachers, philosophers and prophets have disagreed with one another on many different things. But it is only on one point that they are in unanimous and complete agreement.

They all agree that your thoughts make you. Therefore, you have to be mindful and burn into your nervous system the following belief because it is a fundamental truth of the human condition. It is literally the baseline physics of what it means to be a person.

"We become what we think about." - Earl Nightingale

Think About It

And that is an idea that you have to hold firmly in your mind. It is something that you really have to internalize. Stop right now your reading, or whatever you are doing on the side, and realize that you will become what you think about.

So, really think about that for a second as if it was not just a phrase, nor only words. But consider it as if it was the truth about how your brain works because it is. You are going to become the things that you think about.

If you truly are passionate and obsess about a certain result, you will certainly achieve it. But if, on the other hand, you do not care enough or are unsure, it won't happen. So, if you wish to be rich or anything else you want, you can be. But you must then really wish these things and want them exclusively.

Believing to Become

And you must not wish at the same time a dozen of other incompatible things just as strongly. Do you get what I am saying here? If you think about and want one thing but contradict yourself with some other stuff, it will not work. That is why some people realize their desire and others do not.

The great law, or law of attraction, briefly and simply states that if you think subconsciously in negative terms, you get negative results, even if what you want is positive things. But if you think in positive terms, you will achieve positive results. Yet, all of this takes time and consistency through your thoughts, actions, feelings, and beliefs.

In a few words: to succeed, you have to believe with all your being. It has to be undeniable and not, one day, have doubts and the next, not have them. If each day that passes, your thoughts and feelings swing just like a roller coaster ride, unsure of yourself; it will create a contradiction in your subconscious mind. And you always become what you think about!

The Power of your Mind

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win by fearing to attempt." - William Shakespeare

Maybe, you are often dwelling on a lot of negative things. You might even carry a lot of baggage with you. As things might go wrong, you believe to the core of your being that you are just planning for the hard times. But the truth is that you are going to become those things that you fear and dread.

People always blame their circumstances for what they are. But you must not believe in such conditions. The people who succeed in this world are the ones who get up and look for the situations they want. And if they cannot find them, they create them in one way or another.

Well, it is then pretty apparent that your mind holds great power. And every person who discovered this and believed it became successful. So, no matter which way you put it, you become what you think about.

Think About Your Goal

Now, it stands to reason that if you are undoubtedly thinking about a concrete and worthwhile goal, you are going to reach it. The reason is that it is what you think about with an obsession beyond measure becomes real. The individual that spends all his time being passionate about something will surely succeed rather than the one who spends an average time on it.

And if you think about all the things you have done wrong in the past, you are going to simply continue that cycle. But if on the other hand and let this be true by letting it ring in your ears. If I ever added an ounce of value to you, believe then that these are the most important words I am ever going to say:

If you begin to focus your thoughts on positive things, on your capabilities, on the potential that you have if you really dig in, you can make it. Build those skills. Visualize your success. Strive towards something beautiful, amazing, that leaves in awe, which you want to create, and want to be the vessel for.

Become What You Think About

In that way, you become that thing because you will take those steps, just because it is what you think about. Conversely, the person who puts very little enthusiasm in his goal, or has no objective, or does not know where he is going, and whose thoughts must, therefore, be thoughts of confusion, anxiety, fear and worry become what he thinks about.

So, his life becomes one of frustration, stress, distress, and worry. And if a person thinks about nothing, he becomes nothing. It is simple as that! Now you might say: "Well, if that is true, why people do not use their mind more often?" I believe they often figure out an answer by making excuses.

"20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the ones you did." - Mark Twain

The Paradox of Free Gift

Your mind comes as standard equipment at birth. There is no price to pay as it is a free gift. And so, these things which are given to you for nothing, you very often place little value on. On the other hand, things that you pay money for, like your phone, you value.

The paradox is that exactly the reverse is true. Think about it! Everything that is really worthwhile in life came to you free. Your mind, soul, body, hopes, dreams, ambitions, intelligence, family, children, friends, country, and nature are priceless possessions which are free.

As for the things that cost you money, they are actually very cheap in comparison. They can be replaced at any time. A good person can be completely wiped out and make another fortune. It can be done several times. Even if a home burns down, you can rebuild it.

But the things you got for nothing, you can never replace. And as the saying goes: "Familiarity breeds contempt." So, your thoughts determine your existence and any kind of job you assign to it. But generally speaking, most people use their mind for little jobs instead of big important ones.

Picture What You Want to Become

And so, if you do not take the necessary steps, focus on the required things, manifest what you want to become or believe in it, nothing will happen. And if you cannot see how real it could be, if you cannot picture the version of yourself that you want to become, it will not take place.

And yes, people told you that it is not possible for you, that the things that you did in the past are never going to allow you to succeed. They even said that you are not smart enough. But if you let that creep into your mind, that is what is going to happen.

However, if you can think about it, see that vision of success, allow yourself to believe it, and take the steps you need to execute against struggle, and if you go out there and do those things, you will not regret it. But you will regret it if you do not.

So, decide now. Think about what you want to achieve. Plant your goal in your mind. It is the most important decision you will ever make in your entire life since you become what you think about. Get out right now, and build the person you want to be, so you can have the life you want to have.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Yes-You-Become-What-You-Think-About&id=9925105

What Are Meta-Feelings?

One of the biggest thing I learned when overcoming social anxiety was what Meta-Feelings (Meta-Emotion) were and how to deal with them.

Meta-Feelings basically are your feelings about your feelings. Or your reactions, thoughts, cognitions about your feelings.

History

Meta-Emotion was a term coined in the late 90s by Gottman, Katz and Hooven. It referred to how parents talked to their children about their feelings. We can have parents who emotionally coached us, and were OK about our emotions, and welcomed talk and sharing about them. Or we can have parents who dismiss, shame, discourage, disapprove of emotions and did what it takes to stomp out an emotion in the room.

Those reactions are internalised and become the way we relate to our own feelings and the feelings of others.

I use the words feelings and emotions interchangeably.

4 Types of Meta-Emotion

We can have 4 types of meta-emotions:

A study was done and concluded "Meta-emotions can be classified into four types:

negative-negative (e.g., feeling embarrassed about feeling sad),

negative-positive (e.g., feeling guilty about feeling happy),

positive-positive (e.g., feeling hopeful about feeling relieved),

positive-negative (e.g., feeling pleased about feeling angry),"

"In our study, negative-negative meta-emotions were the most common type. This indicates that many people get upset, nervous, or angry about their own negative emotions, in particular."

Not Making Headway in Therapy

I found that until I understood this concept I didn't make much headway in therapy. What meta-feelings do is lock the original feeling in place. You have to work on the meta feelings first in order to release the feelings you want to deal with. Often times just transmuting the meta-feelings released a lot of the underlying feelings as well.

I'm Such A Loser

This was one of the loudest voices in my head. Anytime I did anything that wasn't perfect, I told myself I was a loser. Anytime I glimpsed at my issues I felt so deflated and depressed because I hadn't overcome anything. But. My issues were being locked in because of how I talked to, and felt about myself.

I don't hear that voice in my head today.

So working on your relationship to your feelings, and being kind and accepting of them is paramount to healing yourself.

Helpful Modalities

Other than EFT which is what I used to work on when I had social anxiety, I learned focusing for a few years. It's completely changed the way I related to my feelings. I learned it from Emily Agnew and Ann Weiser Cornell. I will write about focusing in the coming weeks.

https://ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-Meta-Feelings?&id=10448128

The Only Way to Feel Good

"Even if I am locked in a prison cell and hated by the entire world, my spirit can still be that of a king." - Daisaku Ikeda

It seems too simple, I know. It's so simple that we want to make it more difficult, more esoteric. However, the simple truth is that the only way to feel good is to think thoughts that feel good.

Likewise, the only way to feel bad is to think thoughts that feel bad. It really is that straightforward.

Because our thoughts produce our feelings, what we choose to think determines how we feel. Please notice it's what we choose to think. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we're choosing our thoughts because negative momentum appears to be choosing our thoughts for us.

Negative momentum may at times feel like a runaway train. We may even be tempted to believe those negative thoughts. However, at any moment, we can consciously choose to think a thought that feels better. Even if we choose a thought that feels just a little bit better, we have stopped the negative momentum and we're re-focused in a more positive direction.

We often want to blame other people or external circumstances for our bad mood. We think, "if only he / she / it would change, I would feel good." Alas, it's up to us. And that is where our power lies.

We are guaranteed to feel bad if we think thoughts that feel bad. Likewise, we're guaranteed to feel good if we think good feeling thoughts.

Feeling good really is as easy as thinking thoughts that feel good [or a little bit better], focusing on things that are easy to appreciate and thinking of others who are easy to love. In this way, we begin climbing back up the emotional scale. Isn't it nice to know we have the power to choose how we feel!

Here's the process: We stay present and notice how we're feeling. When we notice we're not feeling the way we want to feel, we take that as information. Information - NOT that we've done something wrong or that we're in some way flawed - but information that we're thinking thoughts that don't serve us. Once we become aware of our negative thoughts, we can then begin choosing thoughts that feel better.

Some days it seems more difficult than others, but it's always the same process:

*Stay present and notice how you feel.

*Consciously choose thoughts that feel better.

*Voila, your vibration rises and you're a vibrational match to your desires!

It is simple and it does work, but it also takes practice. As we practice choosing thoughts that feel good and we get in the habit of feeling good, pretty soon feeling bad will be so unacceptable that, at the first hint of negative emotion, we'll nip it in the bud and get back to our natural state of well-being.

We all want to feel good and, thankfully, the Law of Attraction teaches us how to do that. We know how to feel good and we have the power to feel good. What could be better than that!

https://ezinearticles.com/?The-Only-Way-to-Feel-Good&id=9925246

The World Underneath Your Hat or "What Are You Thinking Underneath That Leopard-Skin, Pill-Box Hat?"

Neurofeedback is a non-invasive peek into the "black box" of the brain. The substrate of our consciousness, including feelings, thoughts and actions, is the neuronal activity within the brain which contains billions of neurons synapsing together. This communication between neurons creates different brain waves as we attend to different aspects of our life.

Sometimes our brain gets trapped in an electrical pattern that causes problems like anxiety, hyperactivity, depression, addiction, and so forth. The central nervous system (brain and spinal cord) is the center of all other bodily systems so if it isn't working right then other systems reflect it. For instance, you might have stomach aches or insomnia due to the pattern the brain is firing.

These disruptive patterns have arisen from physical or mental abuse, chronic stress, emotional or physical trauma, anxiety and so forth. In response to these stressors the brain adopted a pattern to survive the threats it perceived. This maladaptive pattern presents a host of problems for individuals, but also an opportunity to retrain their brain waves through neurofeedback which uses EEG electrodes to detect the different brain wave patterns.

Slow frequencies, like Delta, range from.5-4 Hertz and are the sleep waves normally present when fully unconscious. An aberrant pattern is finding delta waves in the frontal lobe when you are awake which reflects a person with "brain fog."

Theta waves (4-8 Hz) signify a state just before sleep where thoughts are replaced by visual images. It is called the hypnagogic state and is suitable for hypnosis.

Alpha waves (8-12 Hz) indicate meditative awareness and are concentrated in the right hemisphere which is associated with holistic processing.

LoBeta (12-15 Hz) is an organizing frequency reflecting calm focus, such as a cat watching a gopher hole. Training this frequency gives people a locus of internal control so they can pause before reacting, rethinking their response.

Beta (15-22 Hz) waves predominate in the frontal lobe fostering alertness, computation, language processing, and focusing on details. Higher beta frequencies (23-38 Hz) indicate hyper-vigilance and anxiety due to PTSD, trauma or abuse.

Gamma waves (40 Hz) integrate all parts of the brain in brief flashes of insight.

One type of neurofeedback, called "infraslow," targets frequencies slower than delta. These brainwaves arise from the brain stem and balancing them regulates physiological state through the autonomic nervous system. Sympathetic arousal (fight or flight) dissipates when you balance the infraslow frequencies. Neurophysiologist Stephen Porges notes, "from a parsimonious perspective, the brainstem is a final common pathway through which most information comes into the brain and leaves the brain. It is useful to think of the brainstem as a building block upon which other processes are scaffolded. If we can't regulate physiological state, which is a brainstem responsibility, then we have difficulties accessing and processing higher cognitive functions."

https://ezinearticles.com/?The-World-Underneath-Your-Hat-or-What-Are-You-Thinking-Underneath-That-Leopard-Skin,-Pill-Box-Hat?&id=9917264

The Empty Suitcase (By Ruth Bruegger)

It was a typical day in my life. I went to my storage unit to retrieve a suitcase for my husbands impending business trip. I reached above my head to pull down what I thought was an empty suitcase and then it happened.

The suitcase was full of things much to my dismay. This mistake sent me on a physical rehabilitation journey. At the time little did I know this is exactly what I needed to make me stop and reflect on my life.

When I was recovering from my injury I had time to think. I was thinking of my adult child who blamed me for her life. I was thinking about all my failures as a young parent. I was thinking about how my immaturity may have hurt my children growing up.

I was convinced that everything my adult children did that was not in their best interest was my fault. It must be because I made so many mistakes I could not count. I did keep a roof over the heads and food in their mouth.

I didn't call them in sick to school and I wouldn't let them skip school. I thought that having a clean room was right up there with determining whether you succeed or fail in life.

I was a fallen christian, a damaged human being who was not good enough for her own children. At twenty years old and divorced with four children in a time period where a woman was little more than a second class citizen I picked myself up.

I got an education and worked at odd jobs and finally full time. I learned to be strong or at least wear armor for the indignities that I put up with. I worked and lived in a mans world. I couldn't let anyone see me weak after all that was unacceptable.

My son was talking to me and I finally confided him my feelings and how proud I was that despite me how great of a parent he was. That is when he said a sentence that resonated to my soul.

He said, "Mom, you sure are carrying around a heavy empty suitcase, all of your children came from the same house, all of your children are adults and make their own decisions and their own mistakes."

Ironic he would use a suitcase as a metaphor. I was finally free that day to move forward and so my son set me free and became my friend.

Let it go whatever weighs you down and enjoy the present for that is all you have.

https://ezinearticles.com/?The-Empty-Suitcase&id=9327182

4 Secrets for Improving Self-Confidence

This article shares 4 secrets to improving self-confidence. Most people tend to focus on specific areas when they try to improve self-confidence such as improving the way that they speak or give presentations in business meetings. This is important but it is not the priority to focus on when trying to improve self-confidence. Below I break down the 4 secrets to self-confidence.

1. Improve your emotional fitness and mental state

Self-confidence is about emotional fitness. Most of what we experience around the area of self-confidence gets influenced more by emotions. Just think about what you go through when you feel that you have poor self-confidence. Most likely you feel anxious, doubtful, fearful and uncertain. At times you might even feel like you will embarrass yourself in a public place or a meeting. It is not always that we are not skillful, able or talented. Most of the time it is our feelings that get in a way and cause us to be fearful. Feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy are also associated with low self-confidence. Fear of Rejection, failure, embarrassment. All of these things are influenced by our emotions and mental state than anything else. It is not uncommon to have someone who is capable being afraid to do something due to fear of failure, rejection and embarrassment. The journey to becoming self-confident therefore starts with improving your emotional fitness and conditioning yourself to have a mind that supports you instead of a mindset that works against you.

When you feel that you have poor self-confidence it is very tempting to focus on the specific area where you want to improve self-confidence such as speaking or your ability to present in meetings. This is essential but it is more of the end than the beginning. To really improve self-confidence you need to first improve your emotional fitness and mental strength before focusing on the specific area that you want to improve. Doing this sets you up more for success than if you improve your skill set without dealing with inner issues.

Improving emotional fitness and your mindset before improving your specific skill set will help you create more lasting change. Let me give you an example of how what I am talking about right now works using marathon runners as an example. An amateur runner cut corners when it comes to stretching. He or she might feel like it is a waste of time spending 15 minutes stretching and warming up before the run and get tempted get started with the exercise or marathon right away. This in the short-term might look like a good decision because 15 minutes of stretching and warm up is saved as running starts immediately. It is a grave mistake when considering the long-term perspective because the amateur runner might get injured from not stretching and suffer a long prolonged period without exercising and competing due to injury.

Professional runners know that stretching and warm-up before the marathon is as important as the marathon itself and therefore spend time before running to stretch and warm up, knowing it will benefit them.

Improving self-confidence sometimes works the same way. Before trying to improve self-confidence on the specific area of your life whether this is about singing or cooking or speaking well you need to spend time improving your emotional fitness and mindset. Because self-confidence is more about emotional strength and mindset. When you take care of your emotional fitness a priority, your journey to improve self-confidence becomes much more easier.

From doing this you will gain the same benefit that the long distance runner gets from spending 15 minutes stretching before he starts running. You will be able to create lasting change in your life. What is even more exciting is that we the right level of emotional fitness you will be able to bounce back should you make mistakes or something crushes your ego as you are trying to improve your self-confidence. One person said that self-confidence is not about walking into the room and have everybody get excited to see you. It is about walking into the room knowing that if nobody accepts you or if you make a mistake and embarrass yourself you will be OK and have the ability to get up and dust yourself up without being too miserable. To get to this level of self-confidence takes emotional fitness. So first focus on emotional fitness to improve your self-confidence.

2. Improve mastery

Even though emotional fitness is the first priority to improve self-confidence, I would like you to note that no one is confident doing something that they feel they are not skillful in doing. You might feel comfortable speaking in public and maybe enjoy it, when you get asked to sing and dance in public a different story might unravel. Unless you are extremely multi-talented you might feel timid, nervous and hesitant. This is because doing one specific thing well does not make one a master in everything. It is important to practice and improve your mastery level to improve self-confidence. After you have conditioned yourself emotionally and mentally identify what it is that you would like to do well and improve your self-confidence doing. Maybe you would like to feel less anxious in social situations or to speak. Whatever it is that you want to improve your self-confidence on, identify it and spend time mastering the skills to develop it. This will help you improve your self-confidence. As you learn and try to improve you might take some time to master the skills that you want to improve well. If you have developed the right emotional strength and mental strength you will find yourself recovering well after setbacks and getting encouraged until you improve your self-confidence.

3. Improve self-esteem

When trying to improve self-confidence, having low self-esteem can sometimes work against your efforts. No matter how good you become at doing something if you do not accept yourself and see yourself in a positive light you might always find ways to criticize yourself and second guess yourself. Having a healthy self-esteem is therefore extremely important for improving self-confidence. Improving your self-esteem will help you easily develop self-confidence in the specific areas of your life and be able to enjoy any success that you create as the result of improved self-confidence.

4. Train your self-confidence

Self-confidence is like a muscle. The more you teach yourself to be self-confident in challenging situations, the more you get better. Self-confident people aren't vastly different from anyone else. They have just learn to manage their feelings in the face of pressure or adversity. One of the best ways to improve self-confidence is to act despite fear and anxiety. The best way to learn to act despite fear and anxiety is to act despite fear and anxiety. Doing this will train your self-confidence. One person said that those that are successful do experience fear, they just learn to act despite fear.

Whatever it is that you fear begin practicing conquering it. If you have social anxiety and are afraid to meet people in social situations playfully start meeting people and push yourself to act despite your anxiety. If you fear speaking up during meetings start pushing yourself and say a few words in the next meeting that you have. Feel the anxiety as it tries to stop you but act anyway. Many people who face challenging situations and pressure including athletes, sky divers and even entrepreneurs learn to act despite anxiety. Do the same thing that they do in your life, it will help you.

Remember, you have all that it takes within you to succeed.

https://ezinearticles.com/?4-Secrets-for-Improving-Self-Confidence&id=9400646

Motivation Doesn't Last, Nor Do You Want It To - Here's What Does

Examine Your Urges

Motivation doesn't last because it diminishes the moment challenges arise.

Humans are emotional creatures and while we have highly sophisticated forebrains, our actions are dictated by our limbic brain.

Your actions are driven by unconscious desires that dwell deep in your reptilian brain, comprising of the brain stem and cerebellum. Its purpose centres on physical survival and the homoeostasis of your body.

Its primary function is to preserve your survival and control movement, breathing, reproduction and other basic survival needs.

It controls unconscious actions and is resistant to change. Even when starting a new habit, your attempts can be hijacked by the reptilian brain.

The thinking brain accounts for approximately 20% of your decision-making which explains why behavioural change is often met with resistance.

Most people live on autopilot and are dictated by their instincts which means the reptilian brain is in command.

The problem occurs when you give in to gratification instead of engaging the logical mind to examine these urges.

Motivation doesn't last because it is a fleeting incident repeatedly commandeered by your unconscious desires, even despite your best intentions.

I liken it to having someone place their hand on your back to keep you moving forward. If they remove their hand, you are likely to lose your motivation.

It was the late American motivational speaker Jim Rohn who once said: "Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going." He knew that motivation alone is not enough to sustain your efforts.

I believe Sound Habits + A Compelling WHY are two important components that will help you achieve your goals and success.

The HOW, the WHAT and the WHY

I've coached hundreds of people over the past decade, ranging from athletes to CEOs and the one key factor that often comes up in coaching sessions is the subject of feelings.

People often say they don't feel motivated to act or commit to a habit because they are responding to their emotional brain and give in to its demands.

I like author and doctor Kyra Bobinet's perspective in her book Well Designed Life: 10 Lessons In Brain Science & Design Thinking For A Mindful, Healthy, & Purposeful Life: "When people say things like "I need to get motivated," what I think they really are saying is "I want to feel stronger about doing this, and I hope that will get me to do it." They are saying motivation, but really, they are talking about emotion."

So if motivation doesn't last, what does?

I'm glad you asked.

What is required is a powerful WHY?

According to motivational author Simon Sinek, many people and organisations focus on the HOW and WHAT as their primary motivators.

In his Golden Circle principle, the HOW and WHAT occupy the outer rings of the circle, while the WHY fills the centre.

The WHAT is the role of the neocortex which is responsible for rational, analytical thought and language.

The HOW is governed by the limbic brain, responsible for your feelings, trust and loyalty. It governs human behaviour and decision-making and has no capacity for language.

The WHY is ruled by the limbic brain and handles intuition and decision-making.

What this all means is when you have a commanding WHY you are likely to associate powerful emotions to your actions that leads to a greater chance of success.

Authors Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske explain in The Winner's Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success how to better manage your emotions instead of allowing them to dictate your life: "The difference between a Winner's Brain and an average brain is that Winners make a point of directing their emotions in productive ways. They don't simply spew out emotions in an uncontrolled or thoughtless manner; they are highly sensitive to their emotional responses (even the negative ones) so that emotions can make positive contributions to current and long-term goals."

To highlight an example, I'm currently working with a young lady who is a woman's soccer referee. Jane (not her real name) was injured over 12 months ago when she rolled her ankle on a dry section of a soccer pitch during a game.

Whilst her injury did not require surgery, she suffered a grade II tear to the ligaments in her ankle which required twelve months of rehabilitation.

In our first meeting, I asked Jane what she enjoyed about being a soccer referee (WHY?). This was difficult for her to answer, and I had to probe further.

However, by the end of the session she stated her motivation to be a soccer referee stemmed from her childhood memories of going to soccer games with her father. She could recall the smell of the grass and experienced a flood of emotions as she recounted the experience to me.

I could see tears filling up in her eyes and I knew we had found a strong reason to help regain her full health again.

The good news is that Jane has made a full recovery and is now back refereeing because of one simple reason. She associated a compelling WHY that inspired her to show up each week to do the work because she knew it was too important to leave to motivation.

Take The Emotional Journey Into Yourself

I've worked with many other similar people and the common theme throughout is helping them to uncover their WHY well before they act.

I'm not saying motivation doesn't exist or there isn't a place for it. Based on my experience, a powerful WHY trumps motivation every time because motivation is like a fuse and burns out quickly.

Typically, I will also help my clients establish sound habits to support their goals and draw their awareness to the change cycle.

Motivation alone doesn't guarantee results, nor can you rely on it because it comes and goes.

Everyone is motivated at the beginning of a new habit, goal or project, yet six months later the individual is unmotivated. This is when life gets in the way or when unexpected challenges arise.

In Jane's case, four weeks out from her fitness test to qualify as a referee, she developed inflammation in her knee which required scaling back her training program.

Most people would give up, however Jane realised the goal was too important because her WHY meant more to her than the short term setback of an injured knee.

Thankfully, she managed the injury through a refined exercise program instead of giving up.

I appreciate the schools of thought that say: grit, resiliency and a growth mindset is paramount to achieving your goals.

Whilst I agree, if you do not have a convincing WHY, it is unlikely you will achieve success based on these principles alone.

Ask yourself the following questions before undertaking a goal or project to get clear on your primary motivation:

Why is this goal/project important to me?

What will it mean if I achieve this goal/project?

Will I be fulfilled if I achieve this goal/project?

In relation to the first question, when you have answered it, continue asking WHY until you reach an emotional point where you experience tears or are moved by your answer.

This process must be an emotional journey into yourself because you are trying to tap into the limbic brain.

Only then you will discover the real reason you are pursuing a specific goal or action.

After all, if you don't understand the reason behind your motivation, what use is the goal to you when it is achieved?

https://ezinearticles.com/?Motivation-Doesnt-Last,-Nor-Do-You-Want-It-To---Heres-What-Does&id=9918698

Stress at Work: 6 Stress Busters to Reduce Work-Related Anxiety

What's the effect? Stress. As a matter of fact, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America reports an estimated of 40 million Americans suffering from different types of anxiety disorders.

Anxiety is often the result of stress, and because of that, it's something that's really unavoidable. That's why we're here to help; here are some ways on how you can minimize the stress levels in your body.

#1. Don't Be a Caffeine Fiend

There's just something about having a cup of Joe to start the day. Although caffeine can help improve your energy levels right away, it also triggers anxiety symptoms, such as an upset stomach, shaky hands, and racing heart.

Although the symptoms you're going to experience aren't really the actual cause of anxiety, once you're in a sensitized state, you're going to feel more vulnerable to the psychological effects of caffeine, and the body would misinterpret those effects as results of anxiety.

#2. Don't Overthink the Stressors

Sometimes, the more you think about what's making you all worked up, the more you'll feel anxious about it. The truth is, stress wouldn't go away, and there are a lot of jobs that are inherently stressful. The best thing you can do is set these anxieties or stressors aside because they wouldn't do you any good at all.

#3. Embrace Anxiety

Have you ever been in a meeting and started getting cold sweats, matched with a racing heartbeat? You have a few options to resolve that; either fight the feelings and remove yourself from the situation, or embrace anxiety. By accepting anxiety, you'll be able to get use to it and learn how to ignore those feelings once it hits you again.

#4. Nothing Wrong with Faking

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is grin and endure it. Believe it or not, there are instances where faking actually bring good results. It lets the anxiety pass, and make you feel confident at the same time. So, what are you waiting for? Stand up tall, and don't let those anxieties swallow you whole.

#5. Consider Taking a Breather

Whenever it's possible, try to check in with yourself all throughout the day-- this can be done by simply taking deep breathes, or if possible, practice meditation.

Make it a habit to drop your shoulders to release any tension from your body. These little things can help in uplifting your mood and make you feel a little more relaxed.

#6. Keep Moving

Exercise doesn't only make you look good, but it can help you feel good as well. Just like what they always say, a healthy body leads a healthy mind.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Stress-at-Work:-6-Stress-Busters-to-Reduce-Work-Related-Anxiety&id=9457246

Managing The Heartbreak of Not Being Seen or Heard

Take a few minutes right now and think back to your childhood. Do you remember a time when you felt deeply unseen, unheard, misunderstood?

How did you feel at that time? You likely felt crushed, shattered, heartbroken, lonely and helpless over your parent, caregiver, teacher, sibling or friend. But these are very big feelings - way too big for a child. What did you do? Did you shut down and numb your feelings in some way, or did you cry, get angry, seek revenge or go into resistance?

Do you remember a different time, when you felt deeply seen, heard and understood? Did you ever feel this, or do you have no memory of ever being fully received? Was there no one you could turn to for help, comfort and understanding?

Too many children grow up never being fully received - never feeling fully seen, valued, heard and understood - never feeling grokked. ('Grok' is a term coined by Robert Heinlein in his wonderful book "Stranger In a Strange Land." We feel 'grokked' when we are deeply seen, heard and understood.)

When we didn't feel grokked, we needed to protect ourselves from feeling the shattering pain of this, so we developed our many protections to avoid our feelings and attempt to have control over others seeing and hearing us. But the conundrum of this is that we will never be grokked when we are protecting ourselves with our various addictive controlling behaviors.

The challenge for all of us as adults is to learn to manage the intense heartbreak of not being seen or heard. Learning to manage the shattering feeling of heartbreak in our body can be very hard - especially if we experienced trauma from abuse.

Learning to Manage Heartbreak and Helplessness over Others

The very first skill you need to develop is learning to be kind to yourself and hopefully learn to feel compassion for yourself. Kindness and compassion for yourself lets your inner child know that YOU are seeing, hearing and understanding yourself - that you grok yourself. When you judge yourself for your painful feelings, you are letting your inner child know that you are not seeing and valuing yourself. This rejection of yourself causes even more pain.

Even if you can't yet tolerate the feelings of heartbreak, loneliness and helplessness from not being seen and valued, and even if you can't yet feel self-compassion, practice being very kind to all your feelings - even if you feel numb.

Compassion is not a feeling we generate in our own being. It's a feeling we open to and invite in. It is a gift of Spirit, and when you open to learning about loving yourself with your higher self, you can consciously invite compassion into your heart.

If you know that you were traumatized and perhaps suffer from PTSD, it's vitally important to receive trauma therapy. You can learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and the Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) online, and you can work with a facilitator with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing (SE), or other very helpful and healing trauma therapies. The important thing is to heal your body enough so that you can tolerate feeling the heartbreak of not being grokked, and learn to manage it rather than avoid it.

Without being able to feel your feelings, you won't be able to see and hear yourself. You will continue to reject and abandon yourself as you were rejected and abandoned.

Deep healing comes when you learn to grok yourself - to see, hear and deeply value who you are and all that you feel. Often, this means that you first need to feel deeply seen and valued by another, which is what occurs in good therapy or facilitation.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Managing-The-Heartbreak-of-Not-Being-Seen-or-Heard&id=9403040

How To Let Go of Over-Responsibility

We tend to grasp onto what feels familiar, no matter how limiting or uncomfortable. If you're a sensitive person, you might be holding onto the belief that you're responsible for far more than is actually possible. It may feel incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to let go of responsibility.

Many of my clients complain of feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes resentful of the load they're carrying. Fortunately, even in the most challenging circumstances, it's possible to make changes that will lighten the load.

Here are some signs you might be dealing with over-responsibility:

Feeling responsible for Others' Feelings - How often do you walk around not only feeling others' feelings, but also feeling responsible for changing them?

Feeling Responsible for Others' Mistakes - Do you ever feel in some way responsible when a family member, partner, or friend, acts out in anger or other challenging ways?

Taking responsibility for Others' Problems - How often do you step into the role of "the only one" who can solve the problems of the family, office, social setting?

Feeling like you have to fix or save the world - Do you ever feel overly stressed about problems in the world, and responsible to fix things?

How to let go of over-responsibility:

Practice awareness. Become aware of all that you feel responsible for. Notice the difference between the different types of responsibilities you take on. Which ones feel heavy? Which ones feel light? Which ones feel right? Which ones trigger resentment? Which ones feel impossible?

Decide which responsibilities are truly yours. For example, these responsibilities will typically include do-able practices and actions related to your health, your mood, your mind, and certain aspects of your job, family, and social and global situations.

Get clear about responsibilities that are not truly yours. Other people's feelings, behavior, and problems...

Decide which responsibilities you'd like to let go. For example consider letting go of: Trying to fix someone's mood. Taking on too much. The belief that you're responsible for everything and everybody in your life. Feeling responsible for things you cannot control.

Ask for Help -- Asking for help can feel difficult for the overly-responsible person. However, it's crucial. Choose responsibilities to delegate or to share with another. Ask a family member, friend, or colleague for help. You might be surprised... people will often say YES.

Surrender overly-challenging or impossible responsibilities. On a piece of paper, draw a line down the center to form two columns. Label the left-hand column MINE, and write down responsibilities you know you can handle. Label the right-hand column UNIVERSE and write down responsibilities that aren't yours, or those that you struggle with. Imagine surrendering these responsibilities to a greater source of help and inspiration. Imagine the possibility of welcome solutions, and new forms of assistance.

Another way to do this is to write each overly-challenging/impossible responsibility on a small piece of paper. Place them in a box or jar labeled Universe. (or Surrender, or Source, or God, or Goddess... )

Use Meditation and Creative Visualization: Meditate on letting go of extra layers of responsibility and stress. See yourself able to easily let go of what's not yours to handle. Instead of engaging with each responsibility, allow your breath to assist the release. Envision yourself centered in your strength, knowing what's yours, and letting go of the rest.

Use EFT Tapping: EFT tapping is effective for helping to release stress and anxiety when you're feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities. Tapping helps to lower cortisol, and increases blood flow to the thinking part of the brain. This will help you deal more effectively with your challenges.

Let go, surrender, allow.

https://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Let-Go-of-Over-Responsibility&id=9992312