Do You Road Rage? Why We Do, and What We Can Do About It (By Allen Wagner)

Living in a city like Los Angeles requires a commute on some form of Freeway (too many to list), a journey through bumper to bumper surface streets, and possibly a walk. All of this is cemented between our daily stressors of work and family.

It's often common for us to leave home upset around time management issues, conflicts with loved ones, or the dread of going to a place of employment. How can this not affect us? Most of us are also aware that there is an unofficial "Rules of the Road" handbook that establishes polite behavior, which is not followed by many. The perfect storm of impolite driving (unsafe, or self-righteous), and an average person's bad day can lead to escalations that are unsafe for all parties. Most of us would call this sudden explosion of anger, Road Rage.

While the actions of others remain out of our control, we can be more mindful of our own state as we enter our cars. When a person makes a physical check of possible obstructions prior to pulling out of a space, they are hyper aware. Their eyes search all mirrors for people, dogs, and other cars as if life depended on it, and in many ways this is true. We can also look inward, within ourselves. Creating an awareness of how you are feeling prior to starting the ignition, can be helpful in creating awareness of where you are at.

Road Rage is related to the tipping point of our agitation. What is your frustration tolerance at that particular time, on that particular day? Some people appear to always be at a high frustration level, but for others, irritation can sneak up more slowly. What are the daily obstacles we still have in front of us? Maybe there is a specific meeting, appointment, or a time we have to pick up our kids. It could be the time of day we depart such as rush hour, or a work related task that still lingers on our mind. Are we late? There is an infinite amount of possible stressors, and personal drama or what we might call personal crisis situations (hey it seems like a crisis to us!), but when paired with inconsiderate drivers things can explode.

If we were to rank our personal wellbeing on a scale of 1-10, with one being Buddha, and 10 being Hulk, most likely we all live in a 3 most of the time. It's once we cross 5 or 6, that we want to become more mindful of Road Rage triggers, and our own body awareness. This is the time we can course correct, prior to further and potentially more dangerous escalation.

Every person has a different anger response. If we begin to track our outbursts, we become more aware of the patterns in our triggers. This is where we can consciously begin to change patterns and replace or alter behaviors. Tracking body symptoms prior to outburst (twitching eye, flushed face, rapid breathing, warm forehead, watery eyes, itchy shoulders or neck, clenching, etc..), can be helpful in establishing patterns, but we need to work on better planning to implement prior to these escalations.

Listening to the radio, taking deep and purposeful breaths, or talking to a good friend or family member can be helpful. Avoiding conflicts while driving is a good rule of thumb as well. When a person is riding at an 8 or 9, it does not take much to be the straw that broke the camel's back. As our mindfulness and self-awareness increase, it's easier to make better choices, and do the things we need to do to be safe.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Road-Rage?-Why-We-Do,-and-What-We-Can-Do-About-It&id=8932679

How To Choose Happiness No Matter What

Have you ever dwelled on unresolved conflicts for months, if not years, where all you can think about are the negative side of things?

Are you the kind of person who always sees a glass half empty instead of a glass half full?

Do you have a tendency to be overprotective, over-cautious, overstressed by little minutiae because you somehow find a way to interpret them as bad dangerous things?

If you are naturally inclined to be pessimistic about life, the chances are that you aren't happy most of the time. As sarcastic as it sounds, you are very good at finding reasons (or excuses) to be upset about everything that happens to you and this is negatively affecting your entire well-being.

Luckily, things don't have to be this way. You have a choice. You have latent personal power to change that.

While some people are hardwired to find the negatives in almost everything, others are the exact opposite who are able to find the good in everything.

If you tend to dwell on the negative, here's the big thing you can do now in order to change your perspective for the better.

It's called choosing happiness.

It sounds pretty simple although it's a difficult transformational process for some fellows.

The first thing you need to do is to remember what happens to you is not always within your control, but how you react to it is.

Once you realize this, you are immediately more powerful because you are now choosing how circumstances can affect you. You now understand that no one can make you sad, angry or depressed because your happiness does not depend on anyone or anything.

Your happiness depends on you.

This attitude can be a challenge for some, especially those who have years of ingrained habits, thinking patterns, and belief systems that shaped their worldview into a negativity-biased reality.

However, the idea of reframing is to push out the negative thoughts and try to see things with a different perspective.

For example, if your significant other recently left you, the negative reaction for most is to dwell on what you did wrong and to feel sorry for yourself. To reframe this thought, you must consider the other people you have in your life who still love you.

It is okay to note the mistakes you may have made in the past relationships, but recognize that most of us made mistakes as well. And what's more important right now is to stop living in fear, stop arguing over unimportant issues, stop figuring who's right and who's wrong, but start loving opening and generously while you still can.

Also, you must define what optimism means to you personally. Even the same words can sometime mean different things to different people.

Generally, optimistic people tend to believe that everything happens for a reason, but no matter what happens, everything will work out how it is supposed to and we will be fine.

While bad things are inevitably going to happen, it is important to learn from them and move on rather than dwell on them, letting the past things sucking your energy, time and spirit away.

If you're willing to stop and take some time to reframe situations in a new, fresh and positive way, you will be a conscious human being who can design a happier, more successful, more fulfilling life.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Choose-Happiness-No-Matter-What&id=9538948

Conduct Your Relationship With Love and Care

Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37(a). Jesus said, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12.

When we respond to our significant other with anger or sarcasm, or short and choppy replies out of frustration, we are sending harsh and fighting signals to them. It is unusual for a couple to never have conflicts, misunderstandings or disagreements. However, our response - that is attitude as well as words - is the very spark that either inflames the situation or triggers the calm toward resolution. Fellas, how do we respond?

Here is a better way to solving a problem in your relationship. First, take a deep intentional breath. Next, what do you understand the problem to be that has your stress level rising? Then, before speaking convince yourself that your girlfriend/wife did not intend to irritate or touch your rawness. Now, you may respond with calm and a loving attitude in order to prevent the anger from getting higher and more dangerous. With a loving approach you may enjoy the result of having stopped what could have been a serious argument from happening at all.

When you honestly want to have a successful marriage or relationship and keep your love life fresh and ongoing, you want to understand your partner from a different perspective. The below list contains the core issues or main issues that couples face in an ongoing relationship. This list is not all of the issues you have or may face, but it is the list of those which couples have reported that are most common.

Communication

The most frequent cause of broken relationships is a failure to openly and honestly communicate. Silence, when a few calm words would be appropriate, can destroy a relationship. Do not dread communication with your loved one. Just sprinkling a little bit of love on them is a good thing and, shows no fear.

Their day was a hard day's work or maybe just a bad day. You can take the pain away by using calm and loving communication. In this way, you change from being the selfish taker to being the care giver which your loved one needs and deserves from you.

Sometimes the communication gap has been there for so long it can be difficult to break the ice. If you are in a this situation, then consider one or more of the following suggestions:

First of all, do you have regularly scheduled dates? If not, this may be the beginning of reviving the romance for both of you. Turn the TV off and sit down with your loved one and ask "what day this week would you like to go out?" Set a specific date to go out with your loved one. The next question to ask is what would they like to do best? Movie, dinner, or dancing or getting a baby sitter and just sit at home talking or playing your favorite game. Whatever is decided, you take the initiative and immediately arrange all the details. Do not ask your loved one to make the arrangements [if they offer to do so, then consider that as different]. Remember, spending time at home and having a really loving time of healthy talk is a great way to reconnect. But if you do not set a specific time and date, your special evening may never happen.

If you live together, take special precautions to limit your TV watching time. Generally, if you're focused on watching a TV show, you are not bonding with your partner. [NOTE: this is also true with your children.]

Stop the interruptions. When you are spending time with your loved one, turn your phones off so that nothing interrupts your time together. No one that important is going to call or text.

If you have children, then be sure to make arrangements for them. Either wait until after they are put to bed to begin the evening together or schedule a sitter or take them to a friend's or relative's house to watch them.

Each of us must learn and remember that raised voices and words spoken in anger have a lasting effect on children who witness the unpleasantness. Children have love and affection for both parents. So long as one parent is not abusing the children by forcing them to choose one parent over the other, they will only be very confused, embarrassed, and stressed when parents yell and speak angrily to one another. Use reasoned good sense. If you have a difficult matter or one that is more likely to degenerate into a loud argument, plan accordingly. Would a public place be more appropriate?

Always be intentional in keeping quiet until your partner has finished talking. DO NOT INTERRUPT THEM. If both of you are frequently guilty of interrupting each other, then it is time for both of you to establish some rules to follow so that things change.

When you are fidgeting (one foot then the other or twirling your fingers) while your partner is talking, you are communicating your disinterest in what they are saying. DO NOT FIDGET. Be attentive and look into your partner's eyes while they talk. Your body language tells your partner whether or not you are truly interested in what they are saying.

Tips to solve problems

Be truthful, always. No exception. Be honest about everything that is going on with you. Relationships are formed on impressions and expectations or assumptions. However, they only last as the two people become truthful with each other which results in trusting one another. When your loved one's trust in you is broken, it is nearly impossible to re-establish that lost trust. When this occurs, the relationship is more likely to permanently fall apart.

Money and financial issues are the most common cause of conflict in your relationship. No one is automatically trained and disciplined in keeping financial matters from becoming serious indebtedness. You must be willing to learn the art of record keeping and budgeting. No one can live on hopeful expectations. Whether you share bills and expenditures with each other or only one has the lions share of income and responsibility, it is vital that both of you know and understand the financial details. When something happens that causes a shortage of money to become a problem, both must be prepared and willing to solve. It doesn't have to be a bad thing to share your money with your partner.

Understand that being in a relationship means being there for one another. Real love is being there in good times or bad. When issues arise between you - and they will - know that "what you choose to do in face of the difficult issue" is more important than the issue. Love will take away all pain when each of you show love in good times or bad. When you show love wherever possible, your relationship will bloom like a beautiful, healthy flower.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Conduct-Your-Relationship-With-Love-and-Care&id=9388646

Why Can't We All Just Get Along? Because We Shouldn't.

Why can’t we all just get along?

Who hasn’t asked that rhetorical question at one time or another? We sometimes utter this common refrain when observing what we think are futile conflicts between others. Other times we’re referring to our own usually frustrating issues with a co-worker or associate.

The short answer, albeit a snarky one, is, “Because we can’t. Conflict is part of human nature. It’s as true at home as it is at work. The modern workplace is a veritable petrie dish of conflicting viewpoints and dysfunctional behavior. It’s a wonder anything gets done at all,” or something to that effect.

While that is true, it’s neither a satisfying nor a productive response. Considering how important relationships are to our personal and business lives – not to mention that the line between the two has become so blurred to be almost non-existent – we can all agree that getting along is both a noble and practical goal.

On the other hand – and this may strike you as counter-intuitive – there are times when it’s important that we don’t get along. There are times when we need to confront our differing viewpoints and learn to conflict in productive ways. The great irony is that the process of learning how not to get along is critical to building successful relationships and effective teams.  

Let’s start with the simple premise that, if you choose any two people at random, they will likely disagree on any number of topics. Now extend that to management teams with somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 individuals and you can see why disagreement on key issues is so common. And yet, important decisions have to be made.  

If you’re with me so far and have been around the business world as long as I have, you know there are only two options. One method is to strive for a relatively quick decision that involves as little conflict as possible. After a brief discussion, either majority rules or the boss simply makes the call. That, as it turns out, is not the way to go. You’ll understand why in a minute.

Instead of expediency and minimal discord, the second method – a far better method essentially devised by former Intel CEO Andy Grove – expressly ensures that no viewpoints are suppressed and the team has ample opportunity to vigorously debate the issues. There are four important steps to ensuring the resultant decision and outcome have the highest probability of success.

Keep it on the fairway.

Stick to the issue and don’t let things get out of hand or go out of bounds. Heated arguments are typical but the way to keep them productive is to coach people to attack the problem, not the person. It’s OK to say, “I think your idea is doomed and here’s why,” but not “I think you’re a clueless idiot.” It should never get personal. Also banish any extraneous topics to the parking lot and keep things moving along.

Ensure complete transparency and brutal honesty.

This is key. Everything has to be on the table with no preconceived notions, sacred cows, or personal agendas. Anyone can and must call BS if they hear it, even if it’s coming from the mouth of the CEO. If you can’t challenge the status quo, the process will fail. The only reason everyone is there is to arrive at the best decision for the company. Period.

Come to a clear decision.

The team does eventually have to come to a decision but that doesn’t mean everyone has to agree. You’re not a jury in a criminal trial. What matters is that you hash it out until everything’s out on the table and there’s critical mass behind a clear decision. If you continue beyond that point, no good will come of it and it may result in a sort of hung-jury scenario.

Fully support the decision.

One of the basic concepts behind the process is peer pressure – not to go along with the boss or majority, which is definitely counter-productive, but to go along with the process. Those who disagree must put their differences aside, commit to the decision that’s reached, and do everything in their power to help make it successful on behalf of the company.

Think of this process as a rule of law. It isn’t perfect, but you have to have faith that it’s the best system and stand behind it, at least until the decision runs its course and turns out to be right or wrong. If it’s the latter, you repeat the process.   

Once you spend a few years making decisions this way, you come to realize why it’s inherently superior to the first method or any other permutation for that matter. The reason is simple. When you bring a bunch of smart individuals with diverse backgrounds together with a lot riding on their decisions, they will inevitably disagree on important matters. And that’s as it should be.

That said, without a framework that enables teams to openly debate and reach some sort of critical mass, you run the risk of 1) failing to give some ideas or arguments ample chance to be explored, 2) bad decisions being made for the wrong reasons, or 3) some individuals feeling their viewpoints were suppressed along the way. Those issues lead to poor decision-making, dissention after the fact, and inferior outcomes.  

Why can’t we all just get along? Because conflict is critical to smart decisions and positive outcomes. And we’re all the better for it. 

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248684