Darling You're Not Messed Up, You're Just Misinformed!

Often times I have clients come to me and ask me to fix them. They say that they are "messed up." I tell them that they're not mess up, they're just miss informed about themselves, the way they should be living, what they should be doing and most of all they are misinformed about what "normal" really is!

The definition of normal

According to the dictionary, the definition of normal is conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

The problem with the word "normal" is that there are so many mixed signals about what "normal" really is, based on our circle of influences, what our parents tell us, what schools tell us, what we see on TV, hear on the news and what we see on Social Media.

The cycle of madness

Most people are so caught up in wanting to be told what is normal, that they get caught up in this cycle of madness, trying to find it, have someone tell them what normal is and to just be able to fit in.

The Big Fear

The big fear for many people out there is the fear of rejection. They fear that if they are not what they perceive or are trying to perceive as normal, they won't fit in and they will be rejected, tossed aside and possibly die, so there is a lot of attachment to becoming normal. But again, what is normal really?

The social media crap trap

One of newest and now largest contributors to feeling messed up (next to our parents) is social media. Yes, those wonderful photos and posts that are posted everywhere for all the world to see of happy people, couples in love, success, money, travel, friendships, great food, PERFECTION, everything looks perfect and happy not a care in the world, no problems, these people aren't messed up, so why are you all messed up!

The Truth

They are just photos and posts, most of these people are just as messed up as you! (See you are normal after all! ) The real truth is, that "normal" has so many different perceptions, beliefs and opinions that you really can't judge your actions, character, your life and your happiness based on what someone else says.

So here are 3 ways to get better informed about yourself

1. Catch yourself every time you find yourself getting envious of others on Facebook, Instagram or anything else and allow those emotions to pass. Remember that those people have their own problems that you don't know about as well.
2. Learn more about who you are and what your biggest strengths are by diving into quizzes and studies about your brain type, organizational style, personality type and so on. You might find that the reason why you keep getting fired from office jobs is because you are a creative person and office jobs don't work for you, regardless of how hard you try.
3. Get some support from a qualified person to help rebuild your self-esteem and find groups of like minded people to support you as well. You've gone a long time believing that you were messed up, so now its going to take some work to reverse that old believe and change your perception about yourself, but with a little work and the right support, you may just start believing that it's everyone else who is messed up and not you!

https://ezinearticles.com/?Darling-Youre-Not-Messed-Up,-Youre-Just-Misinformed!&id=9484367

Depression and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Depression hurts. When a person feels deep sadness from loss of a job, a loved one, or when stressful situations occur such as divorce, financial burdens, or troubles at home, life takes on a completely new meaning. When a person feels despair, they will often start feeling hopelessness, misery, and helpless.

Depression is a mental state that causes a person to create negative ideas about themselves and others. People, who feel depressed may feel like they have failed everyone, feel as though others are judging them, and they may say, "I am a failure. I am hopeless. I am inadequate. I am helpless."

The truth is there is always hope. For the most part, any common problem can be resolved. Of course, death is a natural occurrence that happens to us all at one point in our life, and every one of us will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in our lifetime. It is a difficult reality to accept; yet we all must face it at some point or another. It will happen and the best way to deal with grief from loss of a loved one is to learn how to accept the loss.

Divorce hurts. People, who spent a good deal of time with someone close to them, may blame themselves when things go wrong. This feeling of blame, guilt, and shame lingers for some time and causes depressive symptoms to emerge.

Depressed souls tend to feel shame, guilt, and blame often. This problem creates a negative illusion, leaving the person to feel that no matter what he or she does or says it is never right. The person starts to feel despair and rejected.

The fear of rejection and fear of failure forms for most people who suffer depression. Failure and the notion of being rejected feels like catastrophe and disaster to those who suffer from depression constantly. The pain escalates, the hurt grows deeper and deeper until one day, and the person decides to get help or end his or her problems.

Depression is not only a mental illness it is a very dangerous place for anyone to live in. Those who suffer from chronic depression may entertain suicide thoughts, and in too many instances may act on those thoughts. The overwhelming statistics show us that thousands of people every single day choose death as an escape from depression, and thousands others attempt suicide. Based on these facts, we need to learn to take depression serious and help those who are struggling with depression the best we know how.

One of the best solutions is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a set of procedures that involves helping a person come back to the here and now, and helping the person find solutions to resolve problems including emotional conflicting problems resulting from death, divorce, finances, and so forth. Bringing the person back to reality can help him or her come to term with painful emotions that keep the person feeling stuck. Feeling depressed is no place to be, but if you go there, there is always hope!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the best methods of therapy to help those overcome depression. Studies show that when treated with Cognitive Therapy, depressed souls can heal!

https://ezinearticles.com/?Depression-and-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy&id=7707069

Monsters and Molehills

'Molehills in life are bumps in the road; they become monsters when we accept them as powerful truth, allowing them to become monsters chasing us through life. Molehills like the teacher who could not find anything redeeming in the student and carelessly flung demeaning insults, leaving behind a child who believed every word they said and became what they believed. The molehill became a monster that chased the child relentlessly through life, one failure after another.

Molehills are the path of destruction left after something uninvited digs its way through our sub conscious mind leaving a tunnel of doubt and a path of fear that somewhere in that dark tunnel lies the truth about who we will become. What we believe may be the most important block in our foundation. Even the greatest of blessings cannot be delivered if we cannot believe; we must believe to receive. Harboring the fear that we do not deserve or cannot achieve something that is important to us will ensure that we cannot.

Damage that begins in childhood plants deeper roots in our subconscious; it has a long time to grow and dig in. A child is born believing in goodness, it simply knows no other way. Trust has brought the child to this new beginning with a fragile defense system in place. In the absence of steady and positive reinforcement of encouraging truth and what can be, it is far easier for a child to believe what they see and hear, to begin to grow from those ideas. Sadly this is frequently the beginning of a long and difficult road filled with doubt, self-recriminations and fear of rejection that keeps the best in life at bay. The good things were never unattainable; they just became a mirage that could not be touched.

Sometimes there is no one to provide the kind of direction and reinforcement we need to escape from the monsters. How can we defeat something we believe is more powerful than us? Only by standing still and objectively looking at the monster, without any emotion. Emotion colors what we see and creates a binding force that ties us to the monster. Pain creates trauma; trauma is one of the strongest emotional bonds. It is necessary to tear the wound back open and stop pretending that we don't really care about things that matter a lot.

This leaves us vulnerable; vulnerable to the same pain, the same wrong ideas and yes, vulnerable to receiving the best that we can believe in. It is this that makes it worth the effort of tearing it open and re-examining without emotion what really happened. When we can do this, we can believe in ourselves and the best that life can provide for us, leaving the monster powerless. Like a shape-shifter it fades back into the molehill it always was, just a bump in the road. This is all that is necessary to be free to receive the best we can believe in.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Monsters-and-Molehills&id=9609774

How to Use Fear As a Form of Motivation

Do you procrastinate because you feel fear of rejection, pitfalls and failure while pursuing your goals or life purpose. Fear not as this article shows you how you can use fear to motivate yourself, accomplishing your burning desires.

Here are several tips:

1) Say, for instance, you are attracted to a lady in the office. But you feel fear of rejection. It just requires a mind shift. Think of how happy the lady would be if you ask her out on a date. Think of a bright future ahead. Plan on how you can entice that lady. Work on it and it becomes a game of life, winning her victoriously in the end, which is very motivating indeed!

2) As another example, you want a raise in your job in which you have been punctual, committed and dedicated. You feel you deserve a raise but you cannot proceed with it because you fear that there will be pitfalls in the relationship with your boss. Gradually tune into positive thoughts. If you go through a valid and rational replay of the work you have done, think positively how you can influence your boss to your way of thinking. Will it need a lot of work? If yes, how much. Plan on everything. You get busy in a benign way and you feel the motivation instead of fear to win over your boss to give you a raise. Isn't that great?

3) You have to offer a presentation for a conference. You are nervous and fear the mishaps that can happen. You might get stuck and forget what you wanted to say. You might drop something on the stage. Stop sabotaging yourself. Turn the fear of failure to loving the presentation that you will offer at the conference. Think how your voice will be heard and how much your research work that you will be presenting will be appreciated. Everything will be cool and set on the stage. Accidents cease to happen. You rehearse your presentation and edit it better and better with the help of your fellow mates and supervisor. In the end you cannot wait to present at the conference. You are highly motivated.

These three scenarios help you to see the real picture. When you feel fear for something, face it right upfront and tune into positive mental attitude. Nothing will go wrong that way. This is how you can turn around timid fear to gratifying motivation for any task - you just name it.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Use-Fear-As-a-Form-of-Motivation&id=9522150

Anxious About Being Shy? Let Hypnotherapy Conquer Your Shyness (By Bryan Knight)

Many years ago I was so shy I couldn't enter a restaurant, let alone speak to a pretty girl.

My stomach churned, my face became hot, my hands damp, my voice squeaky. Similar symptoms to decades later when I worked as a community organizer and had to face the media.

I wish I could tell you that hypnosis (more accurately, hypnotherapy) cured my shyness back then but unfortunately it was decades before I learned about hypnosis and its value in helping to conquer shyness.

Symptoms of Shyness

A shy person's symptoms may range from being unable to speak to an attractive member of the opposite gender to a full-blown phobia that completely isolates the sufferer psychologically or even physically (as in the case of an agoraphobic).

Everyday shyness contains three, intertwining elements:

- physiological signs such as blushing 

- negative thoughts such as "everyone is looking at me" 

- bad feelings such as shame, anxiety and loneliness.

These interwoven elements often result in avoidance behavior (such as my keeping out of restaurants or not speaking to attractive girls).

This behavior frequently causes non-shy people to label the shy person as "stuck up" or "aloof" thus completing the self-defeating circle and reinforcing the shyness.

Causes of Shyness

A person may be shy because of traumatic experiences, family background, culture, even genetics. Extreme shyness may be diagnosed as "avoidant personality disorder" which often has no obvious origin.

Lack of experience in social situations, isolation as a child in a home or community can contribute to shyness. Low self-esteem arising from the poor parenting skills of your caregivers can leave you vulnerable to shyness as an adult.

As can over-involvement with inanimate objects such as television and computers and video games.

If you have little occasion to acquire social skills no wonder you're frightened by the possibility of interacting with humans.

Coping with Shyness

Unfortunately, the most common way of coping is avoidance. Avoidance of places and people who arouse the anxiety within a person that causes them to feel shy.

Anxiety of a shy person is most evident when he or she is asked to speak in public.

Coping with that (very common) form of shyness requires changing your thoughts and to let go of the terrifying fear of rejection.

Shyness Treatments; Hypnotic Cures

Behavioural treatments for shyness involve exposure to the fear-inducing person or place. Thus I eventually became immune to shyness on entering a restaurant by making myself go into them.

Drugs are prescribed for some forms of shyness, especially those which include high levels of anxiety. However, reducing the anxiety with chemicals is only a stop-gap. While it is great to reduce the anxiety the so-called side effects may be worse than the apparent cure.

On the other hand, if taking prescribed drugs temporarily enables you to engage in psychotherapy or hypnotherapy, then that could be highly beneficial.

The safest route to cure shyness is the hypnotic route.

How To Stop Shyness with Hypnosis

There are two main ways hypnosis is used to overcome shyness: suggestive and analytical.

1. Positive Suggestion Hypnosis to Conquer Shyness

As the title sounds, this involves you, while in hypnosis, imagining yourself calm, confident and at ease in situations that previously had you feeling shy.

Coupled with powerful post-hypnotic suggestions this approach can result in a swift disappearance of the discomfort of shyness.

Positive Suggestion Hypnosis often incorporates techniques from behavioural psychology.

2. Hypnoanalysis to Get to the Root(s) of Shyness

The second way of using hypnosis is to get to the root cause(s) of your shyness. And then, of course, dealing with them. While the fact of you having no siblings, or coming from another culture or being ignored as a child for instance, cannot be changed, your perceptions and therefore your thoughts, behaviour and feelings can.

Hypnoanalysis requires a trained professional to guide you.

But you can use hypnosis on your own to tackle shyness. The Web is replete with downloads you can use for self-hypnosis to conquer your shyness.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Anxious-About-Being-Shy?-Let-Hypnotherapy-Conquer-Your-Shyness&id=9773682

Healing a 'Fix Others' Addiction

Many of us were raised to base our identity on helping or fixing others. Fixing others is often the addiction of choice for people who have a naturally deep level of empathy and who easily feel others' pain.

This was one of my major addictions for many years. Deeply feeling my parents' pain and the pain of others around me was unbearable to me as a child. I thought that if only I could make them happy then I wouldn't have to feel their pain.

Leslie is struggling with this very issue:

"I am completely attached and addicted to trying to help my sister. I can see now that my health and chronic pain is very much linked to hers - not wanting to be better/healthier than her for fear of rejection abandonment and criticism. If you have any words on how to release the habit of obsessing over others problems and the need to "fix it" before I can be happy and free, would be greatly appreciated."

Leslie, as I discovered with myself when I started to practice my inner work process, the fear of rejection, abandonment and criticism comes from rejecting, abandoning and criticizing yourself. You are making your sister responsible for whether or not you are okay, which means that you are making her responsible for your feelings. As you learn and practice doing inner work and learn to take loving care of yourself, you will naturally be able to let go of your addiction to fixing her.

You not only have the right to be happy and free, you also have the responsibility for creating your own happiness and freedom, instead of making your sister responsible for this. As you diligently practice the inner work process and develop your loving adult self and your spiritual connection, you will gradually have an easier time focusing on what you need rather than on what she needs.

Trying to fix her has nothing to do with loving yourself or with loving her. In fact, trying to fix her is very controlling. It took me a long time to understand that fixing others is a form of control, but once I understood this and accepted that my responsibility is to love myself and share my love with others, I was able to let go of fixing.

Sharon has a similar issue:

"How do you conquer unhealthy attachments, or rather, if you had become attached because of fear of abandonment or desire to "fix" (both co-dependent traits), how do you help break those ties and find self love and self trust again? When you are always thinking about the "other" person/breakup/past issues, it is hard to live in the moment and not be overwhelmed with worry, sadness or anxiety."

Sharon, as an adult, the fear of abandonment comes from self-abandonment - such as judging yourself, staying in your head and ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and making others responsible for your feelings. Your worry, sadness and anxiety are telling you that you are abandoning yourself. Self-abandonment comes from the intent to control others and avoid your own feelings, and this is what leads to unhealthy attachments and trying to fix others. As long as you don't have a strong inner connection with your feeling self - your inner child - and with a personal source of love and wisdom, you will continue to attach to others in unhealthy ways. Like Leslie, you need to learn to love yourself by learning and practising the inner work healing process.

You CAN heal a 'fixing others' addiction by focusing on learning to love yourself rather than continuing to abandon yourself. If I can do it, so can you!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-a-Fix-Others-Addiction&id=9092740

Do You Have The Courage to Love Yourself? (By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.)

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~ Ambrose Bierce

I find it sad that it takes courage to love ourselves. But the truth is that our culture has come so far from our natural way of being - which is to love ourselves - that now it does take courage, a lot of courage.

Why? Because many of us have been programmed to believe that being 'selfless' is being good, and that being loving to ourselves is selfish. We've been programmed to believe that if we ignore our own feelings and needs and attend to the feelings and needs of others, then we will be seen as good and we will be loved.

There is so much backward thinking in these statements that I hardly know where to begin to untangle it.

Loving yourself - loving the spark of the Divine within you, your soul that is created in the image of God-that-is-love - is like loving a beloved child. It's about cherishing your intrinsic gifts and sharing them with those you love. When you are truly loving yourself, you would never be selfish because it's very unloving to yourself to be selfish - i.e. to not care about the effect your behavior has on others, to ignore others' feelings and needs, and to expect others to give themselves up for you. Loving yourself is what fills you with love to share with others.

Selflessness is actually the opposite of knowing who you are - knowing the beauty and greatness of your soul essence. Anyone who has been selfless knows that it eventually leads to feeling depleted and depressed, because when you are giving to others without also loving yourself, you end up feeling empty inside. When you give to get love, others generally receive without giving back.

If this is what you've been doing, it takes great courage to focus on loving yourself and letting go of caretaking others to get love. Those to whom you've been giving, in order to get their attention and approval, may become angry at you for what they perceive as you abandoning them. They liked your caretaking and they may not even know how to be with you in supporting your own and others' highest good. So it takes great courage to weather their wrath and perhaps even lose them.

It can be so scary to do this, that only when loving yourself becomes more important to you than your fear of rejection, will you open to learning about what is in your highest good.

This is where I was 32 years ago when Spirit brought us our inner work healing process. I was quite ill and knew that if I continued to abandon myself, I would die. I was terrified of losing those I loved, but even more terrified to get sicker. My desire to be healthy, alive, and manifesting my gifts gave me the courage to begin learning to love myself.

If you are anxious, depressed and lonely, and you have been selfless rather than self-loving, you might consider that being selfless - i.e. abandoning yourself to get love and approval - isn't working. It's now well known that Mother Teresa, the saint of selflessness, was deeply depressed most of her life and sought therapeutic help over and over for her depression. Unfortunately, at that time, none of the therapists understand that the source of her depression was that she was abandoning herself. She didn't abandon herself to get others' love and approval. She abandoned herself because she believed that this is what being loving to others meant, but it left her inner child alone and depressed within.

I hope you let go of your old concepts of selflessness and selfishness and have the courage to learn to love yourself, fill yourself with love, and share your beautiful intrinsic gifts with others.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Have-The-Courage-to-Love-Yourself?&id=9633252

4 Secrets for Improving Self-Confidence

This article shares 4 secrets to improving self-confidence. Most people tend to focus on specific areas when they try to improve self-confidence such as improving the way that they speak or give presentations in business meetings. This is important but it is not the priority to focus on when trying to improve self-confidence. Below I break down the 4 secrets to self-confidence.

1. Improve your emotional fitness and mental state

Self-confidence is about emotional fitness. Most of what we experience around the area of self-confidence gets influenced more by emotions. Just think about what you go through when you feel that you have poor self-confidence. Most likely you feel anxious, doubtful, fearful and uncertain. At times you might even feel like you will embarrass yourself in a public place or a meeting. It is not always that we are not skillful, able or talented. Most of the time it is our feelings that get in a way and cause us to be fearful. Feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy are also associated with low self-confidence. Fear of Rejection, failure, embarrassment. All of these things are influenced by our emotions and mental state than anything else. It is not uncommon to have someone who is capable being afraid to do something due to fear of failure, rejection and embarrassment. The journey to becoming self-confident therefore starts with improving your emotional fitness and conditioning yourself to have a mind that supports you instead of a mindset that works against you.

When you feel that you have poor self-confidence it is very tempting to focus on the specific area where you want to improve self-confidence such as speaking or your ability to present in meetings. This is essential but it is more of the end than the beginning. To really improve self-confidence you need to first improve your emotional fitness and mental strength before focusing on the specific area that you want to improve. Doing this sets you up more for success than if you improve your skill set without dealing with inner issues.

Improving emotional fitness and your mindset before improving your specific skill set will help you create more lasting change. Let me give you an example of how what I am talking about right now works using marathon runners as an example. An amateur runner cut corners when it comes to stretching. He or she might feel like it is a waste of time spending 15 minutes stretching and warming up before the run and get tempted get started with the exercise or marathon right away. This in the short-term might look like a good decision because 15 minutes of stretching and warm up is saved as running starts immediately. It is a grave mistake when considering the long-term perspective because the amateur runner might get injured from not stretching and suffer a long prolonged period without exercising and competing due to injury.

Professional runners know that stretching and warm-up before the marathon is as important as the marathon itself and therefore spend time before running to stretch and warm up, knowing it will benefit them.

Improving self-confidence sometimes works the same way. Before trying to improve self-confidence on the specific area of your life whether this is about singing or cooking or speaking well you need to spend time improving your emotional fitness and mindset. Because self-confidence is more about emotional strength and mindset. When you take care of your emotional fitness a priority, your journey to improve self-confidence becomes much more easier.

From doing this you will gain the same benefit that the long distance runner gets from spending 15 minutes stretching before he starts running. You will be able to create lasting change in your life. What is even more exciting is that we the right level of emotional fitness you will be able to bounce back should you make mistakes or something crushes your ego as you are trying to improve your self-confidence. One person said that self-confidence is not about walking into the room and have everybody get excited to see you. It is about walking into the room knowing that if nobody accepts you or if you make a mistake and embarrass yourself you will be OK and have the ability to get up and dust yourself up without being too miserable. To get to this level of self-confidence takes emotional fitness. So first focus on emotional fitness to improve your self-confidence.

2. Improve mastery

Even though emotional fitness is the first priority to improve self-confidence, I would like you to note that no one is confident doing something that they feel they are not skillful in doing. You might feel comfortable speaking in public and maybe enjoy it, when you get asked to sing and dance in public a different story might unravel. Unless you are extremely multi-talented you might feel timid, nervous and hesitant. This is because doing one specific thing well does not make one a master in everything. It is important to practice and improve your mastery level to improve self-confidence. After you have conditioned yourself emotionally and mentally identify what it is that you would like to do well and improve your self-confidence doing. Maybe you would like to feel less anxious in social situations or to speak. Whatever it is that you want to improve your self-confidence on, identify it and spend time mastering the skills to develop it. This will help you improve your self-confidence. As you learn and try to improve you might take some time to master the skills that you want to improve well. If you have developed the right emotional strength and mental strength you will find yourself recovering well after setbacks and getting encouraged until you improve your self-confidence.

3. Improve self-esteem

When trying to improve self-confidence, having low self-esteem can sometimes work against your efforts. No matter how good you become at doing something if you do not accept yourself and see yourself in a positive light you might always find ways to criticize yourself and second guess yourself. Having a healthy self-esteem is therefore extremely important for improving self-confidence. Improving your self-esteem will help you easily develop self-confidence in the specific areas of your life and be able to enjoy any success that you create as the result of improved self-confidence.

4. Train your self-confidence

Self-confidence is like a muscle. The more you teach yourself to be self-confident in challenging situations, the more you get better. Self-confident people aren't vastly different from anyone else. They have just learn to manage their feelings in the face of pressure or adversity. One of the best ways to improve self-confidence is to act despite fear and anxiety. The best way to learn to act despite fear and anxiety is to act despite fear and anxiety. Doing this will train your self-confidence. One person said that those that are successful do experience fear, they just learn to act despite fear.

Whatever it is that you fear begin practicing conquering it. If you have social anxiety and are afraid to meet people in social situations playfully start meeting people and push yourself to act despite your anxiety. If you fear speaking up during meetings start pushing yourself and say a few words in the next meeting that you have. Feel the anxiety as it tries to stop you but act anyway. Many people who face challenging situations and pressure including athletes, sky divers and even entrepreneurs learn to act despite anxiety. Do the same thing that they do in your life, it will help you.

Remember, you have all that it takes within you to succeed.

http://ezinearticles.com/?4-Secrets-for-Improving-Self-Confidence&id=9400646

Effective Personal Relationship Motivation Advice

For a number of reasons I've been thinking about motivation quite a lot recently. As noted and explained within many journals before, human scientists have studied three particular motivators in greater detail than any others. These are the motivation for power, achievement, and affiliation.

Individuals motivated by power want to direct and influence others. Individuals motivated by achievement want to accomplish tasks, to get things done, to achieve. Finally, individuals motivated by affiliation want to be part of a group, they want to be liked and respected.

In some previous articles, other authors wrote about noticing the motivational pattern of a partner or potential partner. Experience tells us that dramatic differences in motivational patterns causes friction and too much friction leads to a relationship ending. In other words, someone motivated by power may be a good match only if you have similar motivation or are comfortable with being directed.

Looking at personal motivation a little closer reveals that the need for affiliation has two sub-components and one of them predicts successful adjustment over time.

The sub-components of affiliation are 1) fear of rejection and 2) seeking intimacy. It turns out that some people wanted to be liked by avoiding conflict and dissension, because they are afraid of rejection. Others want to be liked because they are seeking intimacy. So, the need for affiliation is a mixture of a need for acceptance by others (not to be thrown out of the group) and a need for intimacy.

Numerous studies have also shown that the need for intimacy is a better predictor of successful adjustment (satisfaction, happiness, etc.) over time, than the overall need for affiliation (fear of rejection) or the need for power.

Now how can you possibly tell if someone is avoiding rejection or seeking intimacy? This seems pretty easy because those seeking intimacy tend to:

a) Feel highly connected with others even when separated

b) View interpersonal relationships as a source of positive feelings and seek relationships for the feelings alone (not for wanting to get something done together, or wanting to have a successful relationship, or to avoid being alone, or to increase status),

c) Are able to accept others as they are.

d) Feel an overwhelming sense of commitment and concern for others that is not motivated by obligation or guilt, and

e) Feel in harmony and at peace with others

Furthermore, individuals who are motivated to seek personal intimacy are viewed by others as natural and not straining to be intimate, warm, sincere, honest, appreciative, and loving. They are also not seen as dominant and self-centered.

Perhaps needless to say, people who seek intimacy make better partners than those motivated by power, achievement, or not being rejected. Look for the characteristics of an intimacy seeker in a partner or potential partner and you certainly cannot go wrong.

Finally, a person's capacity for intimacy is highly evident in the quality of all of his or her relationships. It is more a matter of attitude than technique. In addition and especially when this affinity for personal intimacy is inherent, an observer will be easily attracted to this type of human being.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Effective-Personal-Relationship-Motivation-Advice&id=9436630

Darling You're Not Messed Up, You're Just Misinformed! (By Jentana Dabbs)

Often times I have clients come to me and ask me to fix them. They say that they are "messed up." I tell them that they're not mess up, they're just miss informed about themselves, the way they should be living, what they should be doing and most of all they are misinformed about what "normal" really is!

The definition of normal

According to the dictionary, the definition of normal is conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

The problem with the word "normal" is that there are so many mixed signals about what "normal" really is, based on our circle of influences, what our parents tell us, what schools tell us, what we see on TV, hear on the news and what we see on Social Media.

The cycle of madness

Most people are so caught up in wanting to be told what is normal, that they get caught up in this cycle of madness, trying to find it, have someone tell them what normal is and to just be able to fit in.

The Big Fear

The big fear for many people out there is the fear of rejection. They fear that if they are not what they perceive or are trying to perceive as normal, they won't fit in and they will be rejected, tossed aside and possibly die, so there is a lot of attachment to becoming normal. But again, what is normal really?

The social media crap trap

One of newest and now largest contributors to feeling messed up (next to our parents) is social media. Yes, those wonderful photos and posts that are posted everywhere for all the world to see of happy people, couples in love, success, money, travel, friendships, great food, PERFECTION, everything looks perfect and happy not a care in the world, no problems, these people aren't messed up, so why are you all messed up!

The Truth

They are just photos and posts, most of these people are just as messed up as you! (See you are normal after all! ) The real truth is, that "normal" has so many different perceptions, beliefs and opinions that you really can't judge your actions, character, your life and your happiness based on what someone else says.

So here are 3 ways to get better informed about yourself

1. Catch yourself every time you find yourself getting envious of others on Facebook, Instagram or anything else and allow those emotions to pass. Remember that those people have their own problems that you don't know about as well.

2. Learn more about who you are and what your biggest strengths are by diving into quizzes and studies about your brain type, organizational style, personality type and so on. You might find that the reason why you keep getting fired from office jobs is because you are a creative person and office jobs don't work for you, regardless of how hard you try.

3. Get some support from a qualified person to help rebuild your self-esteem and find groups of like minded people to support you as well. You've gone a long time believing that you were messed up, so now its going to take some work to reverse that old belief and change your perception about yourself, but with a little work and the right support, you may just start believing that it's everyone else who is messed up and not you!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Darling-Youre-Not-Messed-Up,-Youre-Just-Misinformed!&id=9484367

7 Things People With Social Anxiety Do

6. They criticize their own social skills.

Social anxiety disorder goes beyond being shy or introverted. It involves an extreme fear of social interaction and it interferes with an individual's daily life. The symptoms usually begin around age 13 and persist into adulthood. But most people with social anxiety wait at least 10 years to get help, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

Whether you think you may have social anxiety, or suspect that someone you know might, here are some of the most common signs:

Source: spass/Shutterstock

1. They imagine embarrassing themselves.

Whether they're about to meet a new person, or they're walking into a social gathering, people with social anxiety disorder envision horribly embarrassing scenarios. They worry that they'll say or do the wrong thing, and they picture that behavior horrifying other people.

2. They avoid situations in which they'll be judged.

Social anxiety causes people to think things like, "Other people will think I'm stupid," or "I'll mess up and everyone is going to think I'm a loser." Their extreme fear of rejection causes them to steer clear of uncertain social situations whenever possible.

3. They only feel comfortable with a few specific people.

Most people with social anxiety feel comfortable with a few specific individuals—such as a best friend, a parent, or a sibling. Interacting with other individuals can lead to a serious spike in anxiety. Often, taking a "safe" person to the grocery store or a social gathering makes interactions a lot less scary.

4. They worry that other people will notice their fear.

Whether they speak up in a meeting or try to make small talk with an acquaintance, people with social anxiety worry that their anxiety is noticeable. They tend to experience physical symptoms such as a flushed face, sweaty palms, trembling hands or shortness of breath, and they're convinced that everyone else can tell when they're nervous.

5. They experience specific social fears.

For some people with social anxiety, the fear is contained to public speaking. But others experience extreme anxiety over things like writing in front of others or eating in public places. Many people with social anxiety fear talking on the phone as well.

6. They criticize their own social skills.

People with social anxiety spend a lot of time analyzing their social interactions. They replay conversations in their minds over and over and scrutinize their communication. They exaggerate their flaws and judge themselves harshly.

7. Their thoughts often become a self-fulfilling prophecies.

The negative thoughts associated with social anxiety often turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Someone who thinks, "People always think I'm weird," may stick to himself during social engagements. His aloofness may discourage others from talking to him, reinforcing his belief that he's socially awkward.

How to Get Help

Social anxiety is a very treatable condition. Therapy, medication, or a combination of the two can often alleviate the symptoms. If you think you may have social anxiety, talk to your doctor. A physician can rule out medical issues that could be contributing to the symptoms and can refer you for appropriate psychological treatment if necessary.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201603/7-things-people-social-anxiety-do

Are You Secretly Judgmental Of Others? Why It’s An Important Clue About Your Inner World

Do you notice that you often secretly judge others?

For example, your sister tells you about a new car she bought and you think, She can’t possibly afford that car on her salary. She’s so irresponsible about money.

Or your partner leaves his dirty dishes in the sink before heading out to meet his friends and you think, He’s so lazy and sloppy. It drives me bananas.

Throughout the day, every day, you find yourself silently criticizing others.

My co-worker at work has gotten scatter-brained… my neighbor is too nosy… my friend is too self-absorbed with posting selfies on social media…

What does this all mean?

Are you surrounded by people who don’t have their act together?

Is society just falling apart?

Or is this a clue about something way deeper and way more fundamental about YOU?

How Your Relationship With Others Brings Up The Next Biggest Thing You Need To Learn About Yourself

When we judge others or feel our “buttons being pushed” by the things they say and do, we may actually be projecting our feelings onto others.

We are accusing others of the very things we disown or reject about ourselves.

Here’s how it works…

Let’s say you have a fear of rejection that stems from something far back in childhood.

More than likely, you’re unaware of this fear. You haven’t yet acknowledged it. Or you know about it, but reject that it’s an issue.

Your subconscious mind is aware of it, though. And that part of your mind will always seek opportunities to work out this old issue. It will lead you into situations where you can bring that fear into your awareness.

In other words, you will enter into relationships with people who will “trigger” that fear or unacknowledged emotion inside you.

You will attract a relationship where your partner will withdraw, act cold, make plans with his or her friends instead of with you, have a hobby they love that doesn’t (or can’t) involve you, etc.

Instead of causing you to face and accept your fear, their behavior will cause you to be secretly judgmental or critical.

You don’t think, Hmm, I’m feeling afraid that he’s going to abandon me and I’ll be alone again.

Instead you think, He never spends time with me, he’s off having fun instead of fixing these things around the house, he’s wasting money playing golf all day when he should be saving money and spending the day with me.

Another example – let’s say that you consider yourself a neat, tidy and financially conservative person. You keep your home and car clean and you never spend more than you make.

But deep down, you’re really someone who wishes they could forgo responsibility for a while, kick up their feet, and be self-indulgent for a change.

However, you don’t want to admit that to yourself. It’s just not something you accept about yourself, for whatever reason. Maybe in childhood you were rejected for being that way.

Your creative mind will actually draw you into situations where you are around people who seem sloppy, irresponsible and flaky.

And instead of admitting that you’re a little bit like them, you will find yourself secretly complaining about them.

What Do You Need To Accept About Yourself In Order To Love Yourself?

When you don’t, or can’t, acknowledge your feelings or accept something about yourself, it’s a sign that deep down, you don’t love yourself.

And if you don’t love yourself, you’ll never feel completely at peace with yourself and the world around you.

You’ll always find something to complain about, and the people in your life will always seem to be less than perfect, because YOU think you’re less than perfect.

Unless you can learn to love yourself, and accept yourself and your feelings, you’ll never be able to be fully loved by anyone else, either.

How This One Breakthrough Can Change Your Whole Life

There was a time in my life many years ago when I so badly wanted love and acceptance, but all I did was criticize my (ex) wife and accuse her of being nit-picky and too sensitive.

I had several other unhappy relationships in my 20s and 30s before I met Katie. I thought women were too critical and too obsessed with talking about feelings. I didn’t fully believe them when they said they loved me or wanted me to be happy.

The truth was, I was out of touch with my own feelings. I wasn’t “sensitive” enough to what my mind and heart wanted and needed. Therefore, I projected those unacknowledged aspects of myself onto others.

I was secretly judgmental.

It wasn’t until I had a major breakthrough in my life where I finally learned how to love myself that all that changed.

I met and fell in love with Katie, lost 100 pounds, and exploded my career.

I had discovered something transformational.

That’s why everything that Katie and I teach is rooted in the fundamental concept of loving yourself first.

http://www.heartsintrueharmony.com/m/content/a-big-clue-that-you-dont-love-yourself.html

Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression

There is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring. To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people’s approval. I know, it’s easier said than done. But no one said it’d be easy.

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often their actions are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered. For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn’t matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else’s. It seemed as if I was always living someone else’s life.

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else’s life and looked deep within…

Someone Else’s Life

I was the child who was “too young to understand things” and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren’t able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; “children should be seen but not heard.” Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who’d find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others.

I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I am. I was a “slave” to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did.

How tiring was that!? How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it…

All this, so you can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least… ’til they get tired of it.

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you…

Well, there is. And it’s a bright one, too!

You’ve heard the phrase: “You teach people how to treat you” but you’ve ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not “lady-like.”

Well dear, who the f**k gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you – it shouldn’t be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY.

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you’ve guessed it –  it’s you again.

Just remember this: if you care too much – others will care too little… If you remain too available – others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture…

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that’s OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief… Stare back at them without blinking.

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what’s right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it’s time to do something else for a living.

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way.

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with… YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business…

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It’s time to release it.

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.

This is how you start to love yourself…

http://themindunleashed.org/2015/07/being-too-nice-can-contribute-to-depression.html

Why You Don't Need to Fear Rejection

The case for changing your perspective, and being more like a fruit fly.

When it comes to dating, fear of rejection can be a major stumbling block. Whether one has a general lack of confidence, or is making a reluctant return to the dating scene following a breakup or divorce, this fear can hold us back, as fears so often do. We tend to want to avoid things that cause us pain: Research empirically confirms that rejection hurts and can be detected in brain activity. We may long to find a romantic partner, but this conflicts with an equally strong desire to avoid the sting of failure. The problem is, the fear of rejection does not prevent rejection from happening and may even amplify feelings of isolation and exclusion.

Source: Wikimedia Commons

In the wild, the mating game involves a lot of rejection, which can be pretty extreme. Take Mediterranean fruit flies: Males of many fruit fly species, including the Mediterranean, must go through a series of...unique steps to find a mate. First, a male must establish a territory—a place where he will do all the necessary fruit fly rituals (singing, dancing, etc.) needed to convince a female to mate with him. When a female arrives, these little fruit flies go all out. So what is the rejection rate for Mediterranean fruit flies? Ninety percent. After all that effort, they get turned down nine out of ten times. Ponder that next time you feel scared to walk up to a man or woman who’s caught your eye and simply say, "Hello."

The similarity ends, however, with how we humans feel about and interpret rejection. Years ago I watched a documentary about Koko, the gorilla. Her caretakers took a decidedly modern approach in attempting to find her a suitable mate (at least for the late 1980s/early 1990s), presenting Koko with videos of potential male partners. Something about one, Ndume, must have spoken to Koko, and she picked him. Unfortunately, Ndume did not reciprocate her romantic desires. As I recall from the documentary, Ndume rebuffed her advances, even running away from a frustrated Koko. It is impossible to say for sure whether Koko suffered emotionally from this clear rejection. What we do know is that she and Ndume developed a close friendship that has stood the test of time, even though they never mated.

In contrast, when our own interest in someone is not reciprocated, we may personalize and internalize the experience, possibly even believing there is something wrong with us. The reality is that, particularly on the first or the first several dates, the person sitting across from you doesn’t even know you well enough to reject you per se. More often than not, a broader incompatibility (based on personality, lifestyle, or physical attraction) has been detected. Being turned down for these reasons is nothing to fear—indeed, it should be welcomed. It saves a lot of time and frees you to move on to the next potential partner. 

Source: © Kari Pihlaviita/CC BY-NC 2.0

Take it from great tit birds, which search for mates that have similar personalities, or barnacle geese, that look for a partner similar in size. In the case of the latter, the smaller goose doesn’t feel bad about its size. It too is simply looking for a match—in this case another small goose. As for the great tit birds? Well, a homebody doesn’t bemoan its personality and feel bad that it wasn’t a great match for a more adventurous individual; it moves on to find a more compatible partner.

We must admit that being rejected, say, six months or longer into a relationship is more distressing—after all, at that point, a partner does know you better. Of course, you may hear, “It isn’t you. It’s me," as the reason for the breakup. And while many people say there is little truth to this platitude, in many ways it’s true—even if it really was you. Why? Because whatever the reason, you were simply not compatible with that person.

Source: Vit Kovalcik/Shutterstock

Perhaps they will tell you the reason and you can decide if it’s something you need to work on (e.g. communication skills). If they don’t, you can reflect on your part in the relationship and determine this on your own. Regardless, you are free to move on and resume your search. And although the research shows that we humans reduce our willingness to take risks after experiencing rejection, I think we would be better off taking the fruit fly's approach: Find another leaf and start singing and dancing your heart out. Maybe it will pay off next time.  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wild-connections/201509/why-you-dont-need-fear-rejection