The New Codependency: The Senseless Attempt To Make Sense Out Of Nonsense (By Suzette Hinton)

His story doesn't add up. His behavior doesn't line up with his words. He won't give her the answer she wants or the closure she needs. It is senseless to try to connect dots that aren't on the page or put together a puzzle with pieces that don't fit. Yet, so many women put their lives on hold or stay in relationships longer than they should, trying to make sense out of nonsense.

A recovering sometimes relapsing codependent myself, I can tell you why. The real question can't be answered with a magnifying glass or demanding answers. The real question has nothing to do with him. The real question is about you. Getting answers is about your own absolution. This is the crux of codependency.

It is no longer limited to drug and alcohol enabling. It has reinvented itself and is garnering a devout following of articulate, successful, attractive and smart women who find themselves floundering around in emotional quicksand. The new codependency is the senseless attempt to make sense out of nonsense.

"I know I'm a good woman," they say loud and proud to high five's and fist bumps and toasts. At first, it feels like they are earning their way out of the nonsense. But when they go home, doubts and fears gnaw at their resolve. You'd think having support would be enough. But not for the codependent. Their quest for absolution can lead them right back to that quicksand and, despite the objections of all around, they jump back in. This is why some women find themselves 10, 20 and 30 years with someone they should have left a long time ago.

Sadly, this kept me stuck even post legal separation and divorce. My inner jury was still out about my worthiness. This is why my ex was able to insinuate himself back into my life. He held the key to my vulnerability and I never changed the lock.

So how do we stop the senselessness?

One of the youngest attendees at an all woman's retreat gave one of the best answers I've ever heard. She said, "When the words don't add up, the truth was never in the equation." Put away your magnifying glass. Put away your tools. Accept that no further assembly is required. In the words of Wendy Williams, tell your hypervigilance to "take several seats!"

Secondly, stop letting his "no" stop you from finding your own "yes." You are responsible for your own happiness and your own closure. No one else. He has to awaken in his own time and of his own accord. When you are tempted to try to figure him out, ask yourself, "How can I give myself what I need to be okay?" This is the only sense that makes sense.

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How to Build Self Esteem After Divorce

Divorce can be wrecking on lots of levels.

In addition to the financial toll and tension on both partners, it can rapidly destroy one's self-esteem. Even those who initiate the divorce procedure can experience extraordinary psychological turmoil leading to be sorry for, tension and anxiety and insecurity. Those who were not anticipating or in any way desiring the split can leave feeling psychologically harmed, confused and questioning their own worth. It's difficult to tackle these problems alone.

A support system, personal coach, professional counselor or other comparable resources will be incredibly important in reminding you that

1) you are not alone in your experiences or sensations and

2) there is a brighter future ahead for you-- if you take proactive steps in that guidelines.

While friends and family are usually extremely well-intentioned, their support might not continuously be essential for you. They have their own agendas, point of views and values about marital relationship, family and divorce. Exactly exactly what you most require at this tough time is a help system that is dispassionate, caring and educated about liable practices that will move you into a more positive chapter in your life.

Here are a couple of ideas to direct you in enhancing your confidence throughout the divorce and its effects.

Be dedicated to releasing the past: If you remain stuck in experiencing once again and sticking to exactly what not is your truth, you will not open the door to the next chapter in your life. There will be far better, brighter days ahead-- if you enable that awareness into your experience. Make space in your life for brand-new good pals, relationships, profession choices and fulfilling activities. Attempt to discover and anticipate new chances in new places.

See the future as a favorable start for you and your kids. You'll be happily impressed about exactly what you can produce when you expect advantages ahead.

Select your business carefully: We can not quickly change other people, however we can change individuals we link with. If your social group isn't encouraging of you, or tends to indulge self-pity, understand you have an option in your life about who you invest time with. Select rather, aware, introspective individuals who accept task for their own habits and proactively move ahead in transforming their lives.

Abandon the blame online video game and put yourself in the company of beneficial people with high confidence who can value you, with all your belongings and travel luggage, as the great individual you are. You may find these individuals where you least anticipate them.

So get out of your comfort zone-- and be responsive to brand-new buddies and brand-new experiences. Be versatile about adjustment: Life is constantly filled with changes, not simply throughout divorce.

Get comfy with the unknowns ahead and accept that modification is inescapable. While dark durations are tough to deal with, acknowledge they too will fall away and be replaced with better days and new relationships. Hear your self-talk. Release limiting beliefs about yourself.

When you catch yourself in doubt, concern or put-down language, end up being aware of that message and purposely refute it. I am a beneficial mother and fathers. I can draw in a new caring partner. I am worthy of being delighted in my relationships. My children love me and understand just how much I like them.

Recognize precisely what you wish to change about yourself from within and loosen up about handling scenarios around you. When you issue accept the reality of adjustments in your life, you'll feel more at peace with yourself and those around you. Life is everything about options and decisions.

Utilize your divorce as a motorist for favorable modification. Pick to be the person and mother and father you most prefer to be. Then enjoy how circumstances around you settle into area more harmoniously than you ever expected.

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Divorce: 3 Tips To Help Normalize The Situation For Your Kids

"I don't want to spend Easter with him!" Well, maybe not the whole day. In fact, you don't even have to face him when you get up to see what is in your basket. But, can't you eat a meal together sometime during the holiday? Even if it is in a restaurant, can't you and your ex celebrate part of traditional family occasions together?

Your kids will feel a lot better if they see you engage in normal activities together from time to time. They will enjoy having both parents at their birthday parties, graduation celebrations, and anything else that calls for a cake and presents. They will enjoy seeing both of you at their games, parent / teacher conferences and medical appointments. Do you think you can do it? Here are suggestions that might help.

1. Make sure your current squeeze and your ex have met. Spend some time together without the children. Double dating with your ex and his new significant other may be awkward at first, but anyone can be civil long enough to drink a cup of coffee, or eat lunch. You don't have to eat at a formal restaurant, or go to a movie. Just find a quiet, comfortable place to talk together and learn about each other.

2. Talk to your own lover about your family situation before you commit. Don't exclude her from the get together, but make sure he or she understands how important continued contact with your ex is to your kids. Too many times, parents get along fine together until a new lover is on the scene. Then, adult jealousies interfere with solid parenting relationships.

Don't let your new relationship destroy your good working arrangement with your children's other parent. The kids were there first, and raising them with a solid emotional foundation is more important than a new love interest who is too insecure to let you fully participate in their lives.

3. Even if you don't like the other parent's current squeeze, treat him or her with courtesy and respect. You don't have to share your soul's deepest concerns with her. All you have to do is be cordial when you see each other at Wal-Mart, or visitation exchanges. Being unpleasant just makes a tough situation harder. A little superficial friendliness won't kill either of you.

There are situations that make the advice in this article impractical. If there was abuse, or violence in the old relationship, continually exposing yourself to the trauma is neither good for you or your kids.

If drugs, alcoholism, violence or some other equally reprehensible behavior is not involved, being able to treat your ex and his family as normal human beings could go a long way towards letting your kids relax and accept all the new people in their post divorce lives. They will be better adjusted to the situation if they see that you are.

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Seven Steps to Keep Your Sanity During a Divorce

Going through a divorce can be overwhelming in more ways than one: your emotions will go up and down like a roller coaster for several months and you will feel pulled in many directions all at once. You also may have to sell your home and other property, find a new place to live, and adjust to being a single parent. Divorce can take a devastating toll on your financial, emotional and social health, but there are several ways to cope with the changes and instability:

1) Take Time to Grieve

A divorce is a loss and therefore requires grieving. It is important to take time to go through this grieving process and acknowledge your feelings. Remember that in time of divorce, friends and family will take sides, so not only be ready to let go of your spouse, but also of some friendships. This will add pain to the separation process but is a necessary step towards your new life.

2) Build an Emotional and Social Support Network

This is a crucial time to rely on your loved ones, whether it means your family and/or your friends, and search for the emotional support you need. Surround yourself with people who will let you share your feelings and offer a leaning shoulder without judging your situation or decisions. Make the time to go out to dinner or a movie. Laugh, enjoy the present moment and the good company. Remember that laughter is great medicine.

3) Get Professional Help

If you feel that the support from your family or friends is not enough, seek out professional help. Relationship counselors can teach you coping skills for each situation you will be struggling with during the divorce process. A counselor will also help you bring the focus back on you, and help you distance yourself from your ex-spouse. Reconnecting with your individuality and identifying your own needs and desires is very important, especially if you were married for a long time.

4) Get Moving

It is not essential to join a gym to add exercise to your daily life, but it is crucial that you take care of yourself physically. Divorce is considered one of life's most traumatic events, and its toll on the body and the mind can have devastating and long-lasting effects. Exercise releases endorphins and helps you decrease stress levels. It also helps you sleep better, which will improve your mental focus during the day, at work and at home.

5) Take it One Day at a Time and Remember Who You Are

Thinking about the future can be overwhelming, especially when so many factors have to be considered and your life path seems uncertain. By breaking large steps into smaller steps, you can get closer to your goals without the increased emotional toll and stress. In addition, divorce is not only an end but also a new beginning -- the perfect opportunity to remember the person you were before the marriage. Consider reconnecting with your old hobbies or find new ones that will make you happy.

6) Be Strong for Your Children

By taking all the necessary steps mentioned above, you will become a better parent, emotionally and physically stronger. Remember that a divorce can be very difficult for children too, and they will need your emotional support. Children can be a great motivation to pulling yourself together, helping you focus on a new and happy life with them.

7) Reduce the Emotional and Financial Toll by Hiring a Divorce Mediator

Going through the divorce process does not have to be excruciating and if you and your spouse think that you can work things amicably, then choose a divorce mediator instead of hiring separate attorneys. Besides reducing your financial expenses, divorce mediation will mitigate friction between spouses as the mediator encourages communication and compromise to reach a consensus regarding the division of assets and debts, child custody and visitation schedule, child support, and spousal support, in a reasonable amount of time. A shorter divorce process will help you start the healing process sooner.

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Parenting and Divorce

Divorce. For some this transition is the easiest thing in life. Some people have waited for the day they were finally divorced from their spouse. For others, it's the most difficult thing they will ever endure. Divorce is a change, a huge change for everyone no matter if it's a happy occasion or a sad one for the spouses, when children are involved it can get very messy.

Many parents are guilty of one thing, talking crap about the other parent in front of the children. Stop it. Your children are one half of the other person. You might hate the person you have divorced, but respect the fact that your children still love that person. "Love your child more than you hate your ex-spouse". No matter how awful your divorce might have been, or even your marriage, repeat this to yourself often. It's very difficult to be the bigger person, but it's necessary for your child. You as the parents divorced for a reason. Even if the divorce wasn't mutual, or was for a horrible reason, there was likely conflict involved. Likely the children were a part of the divorce discussion. Likely you divorced so you as people could have a better life. Give your children that gift. Do not put them in the middle of constant conflict between the two of you.

If you must have conflict, don't do it in front of the kids. Choose a time when the kids are in bed and do not scream and yell. If you two can not get along for the sake of parenting your children and you need to have a discussion, do so in a text or an email. Sometimes tone of voice is the main reason for an argument. Sometimes just hearing your ex spouses voice is enough to make your skin crawl. You don't have to love your ex spouse, you don't even have to like them. You do have to be a good parent though. Both ex spouses have an obligation to their children to successfully raise them into adulthood.

Do not meddle in your ex spouses life. Quite frankly unless their new partner is a meth addict and cooking meth in his or her basement, it's none of your business who they are dating. While you might not think much of the person they've picked, unless the courts find them unfit, there's nothing you can do about it. Just accept that this person is now going to be in your child's life. If you talk badly about that person, and your child likes them, your child will grow to resent you. Maybe they don't parent the same as you, but that doesn't make them a bad person. They are not trying to replace you, nor will your child replace you with that person. Just be the best parent you can be when your child is with you. Just because dad's girlfriend fixes your daughter's hair, doesn't mean you should fight with them. Be thankful this person actually enjoys spending time with your child. At least your child is being cared for. Same goes for dads who get mad at mom's new boyfriend, so what if he takes your son fishing, at least your son is being cared for. You do not have to be best friends with the other person, just be civil.

Do not have your children call the new person in your life, "mom or dad". This is only OK if the child is very little and your ex spouse has basically abandoned them. If your new partner has raised this child from the time they were six months old, and your child is now 10, that person has become their honorary parent for the most part. If the step-parent is comfortable with this, as well as your child, by all means, go ahead. Otherwise you're just doing it to spite the other parent. This is not okay. Spite has no place in successful co-parenting relationships.

Work with one another. If dad wants to take your child to a baseball game on one of your days, and you want to take the child to a party on a certain day, switch. Don't keep the child from a fun time because you want to be spiteful. Perhaps dad can afford an activity you can't at the moment. Perhaps it's something your child really wants to do. Let the child go if it doesn't interfere with something important you already have planned. Maybe mom's family has a holiday party on one of your scheduled visitation days and she would like the child to attend. Work with her on this. If you don't already have plans, let the child go to the party, but only if mom lets you keep the child some extra hours to make up for the time spent away.

Don't look at the other parents gifts as a bad thing. What I mean by that is, one parent might out gift the other parent for holidays and birthdays. So what. Perhaps by consulting with the other parent on what they plan to buy for the child is actually a good thing. First off it's a great plan so you don't both buy the same things. Second of all, look forward to all the wonderful things your child will receive because you are a split family. Look at it as your child having a better holiday than if you were buying yourself. Your child will receive double the amount of holiday fun now. If your child comes home with a new expensive piece of clothing, simply say to them, "Oh I know you've really been wanting that, I'm glad you finally got it". Be happy for them.

Accept that not everything is in your control now. You both don't have to parent the same way. It's not the law. If your child is being cared for at both homes, don't turn petty things into huge issues. Perhaps your child eats canned food at dad's house and you feed only fresh organic food at your house. While you might think this is awful, at least your child is being fed. Maybe one parent sends the child in mismatched clothing, but clean clothing. At least that parent is providing a clean environment for the child. People aren't perfect. As long as a clean, safe, stable environment is being provided, don't sweat the small stuff.

Stop trying to save your image. Parenting is messy. No parent is a perfect parent. You might clean your entire home with bleach every day, your child might wear the best brands of clothing, there is still going to come a day when you mess up. Your child will forget their homework in their bedroom, or maybe even burn themselves on the stove, or even eat a booger when you aren't looking. No parent or child is perfect. Stop making the other parent feel awful when they aren't perfect either.

Children are going to try to turn you against the other parent. This is a famous defense mechanism for a child. They feel like they are in control in a crazy world when they do this. "Mom never plays with me", "Dad always goes out when I'm at his house". Stop buying into this. This ruins more co-parenting relationships than anything else. If you have deep concern, talk with the other parent. Even if they are doing something, they will likely deny it in fear of you flying off the handle. Honestly the only thing you really need to involve yourself in is if the child accuses the other parent of abuse, and there's evidence of this abuse. Even then remember, children can't always say what they mean to say. Perhaps your daughter comes home and says something to the effect of "dad hurt my butt". A sentence like that can make you jump to all sorts of conclusions. Perhaps the only thing that has happened is dad was holding your daughter, and she went to slip out of his arms, he caught her and it just happened to be he caught her by grabbing her rear. A perfectly innocent act has the potential to get a perfectly happy child removed from her dad. Or a really horrible set of investigations will happen, along with a lot of unwanted painful testing for the child. Just be careful what conclusions you draw from what your child is telling you.

Successful co-parenting relationships do not mean still loving or liking your ex spouse. They just mean you have to love your children. If successful interaction is impossible, do so through text or email. If you can't stand the sight of your ex spouse, choose a parent or relative to do child exchanges for you. When attending activities together, sit far apart. Still allow the other parent to give the child a hug and kiss or talk to the child at the activity. Children cannot thrive in stress. Being mean and nasty to the other parent creates stress for them. Always remember, "Love your child more than you hate your ex spouse".

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Can Divorce Be Predicted?

While you may be surprised when your spouse states he or she wants a divorce, there were likely dark clouds in the horizon, pointing to an approaching cold front. According to a recent survey, by Northside Counseling, there are 10 common behaviors which indicate divorce winds are blowing. Although not a clinical study, the survey results did appear to be consistent with what we have noticed over 15 years of practicing divorce and custody law.

1. Two or More Affairs

Spouses stray from the nest and engage in affairs for a variety of reasons, including falling out of love with the other spouse, lack of passion and excitement in the marriage or a feeling of not being appreciated by the other spouse. If spouse states that they believe in monogamy but inwardly believe it's unrealistic, you're likely in for two or more affairs. If your spouse has promised to stop engaging in affairs, it's not enough. If a promise alone was enough, the wedding vows would've worked the first time around. Two or more affairs in a marriage are an indicator that your spouse may be ready to fly the coop.

2. Ongoing Lying

Your wife calls and says she's working late at the office and will be home much later. You call to check in on her, and she's not there. Your husband says he's going on a fishing trip with a buddy, and you bump into that buddy at the food store. Ongoing lying is a red flag that your spouse just might be keeping a dirty little secret.

3. Close Friendship with Opposite Sex

With countless hours at work and social media platforms, it's easy to wind up with an opposite-sex friend. Spouses with opposite-sex friends can often interact and wind up spending more time with that friend than their partner. Platonic relationships can lead to romantic ones. As a matter of fact, 85 percent of divorced couples attribute their spouse's close friendship with the opposite sex the reason for marital strife.

4. Continued Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a defense mechanism to criticism. Yet, it's a destructive response and obstructs communication between partners. Nothing gets resolved, and the conflict just escalates. When your spouse is continually defensive, it's a sign that they are blaming you for the problem. It's a way of saying, "I don't care what you need in the marriage, this is what I need." This behavior is a strong predictor of an impending divorce.

5. Abusive Threatening Behaviors

Abusive threatening behaviors often manifest themselves with threatening, constant criticism, manipulation and bullying. This type of abuse can leave the victimized spouse feeling anxious or depressed. Abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and many cannot change this learned behavior. Abuse is a red flag that it's time to file a petition for divorce.

6. Secretive Behaviors

Behaviors that are illegal, suspect and addictive can continue into a marriage and are obvious red flags that shouldn't be ignored. Trust what you feel; your hunch that something's up is probably right. The reason why people act secretive in a marriage is because that they know that they shouldn't be doing what they're doing. Once the cat is out of the bag, it's likely to fuel divorce papers.

7. Hiding of Phone or Use of Password

There shouldn't be any secrecy between partners in a marriage. There's no reason for a spouse to be hiding their phone or not providing passwords. Why hide texting history, emails on who you've been in contact with, visited websites or cell phone records? The simple answer is that a spouse doesn't want the other to know what they've been up to. When you snoop, you just might not like what you find.

8. Excessive Drinking or Drug Use

While you and your spouse probably partied before saying I do, marriage is the time to settle down. Excessive drinking or drug use can lead to abusive behavior and loss of employment. Often, the sober spouse cannot tolerate these types of behavior. Rehab programs and AA don't work for everyone, and divorce may be the only alternative.

9. Repeated Flirting

Spouses who repeatedly flirt stir up a whole host of problems. All that attention directed to another stirs up jealousy in the ignored spouse. It's also highly suggestive that the flirting spouse is interested in something more than tea and crumpets. Repeated flirting is a recipe for divorce.

10. Differing Sexual Desires

Not being in the mood for intimacy is a mantra often spoken by married couples. When couples have a different sexual appetite, it sets the change for incompatibility. When one's needs in a marriage aren't met by the other spouse, divorce is likely looming in the background.

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Divorce: Why Teach Your Kids To Forgive Your Ex?

Court ordered visitation is a strain on the whole family. Routines are disrupted, and kids have to keep adjusting and readjusting to two homes. In many cases, the non-custodial parent gives up contact with her kids altogether, rather than subject herself and them to the tension between her and her ex.

People do things to each other during divorce that cause lasting bitterness. If the marriage ended because of an affair, the hurt is enormous. Most of us would sympathize with the wronged party. No one can blame him for being hurt and bitter. It is heartening to know that your kids are on your side, and it is tempting to do what you can to keep them there.

Your kids may support your anger towards their other parent. After all, her indiscretion did cause their family to shatter, and brought the world crashing down around them. It is understandable that they don't want anything to do with a parent who put her own pleasures ahead of their security. If it hadn't been for her, the family would still be together, and the kids could have avoided the pain and sadness they are now feeling.

The kids' welfare is more important than the hurt feelings and anger they may feel towards their other parent. Despite your justified anger and disappointment in your ex, the kids still need to know and love him or her. Yes, she did wrong. There is nothing more damaging to a marriage than a partner who sneaks around, or engages in other activities that are selfish and against the interest of keeping the family and the marriage strong. After all, there were vows between you and your ex, and she promised to put your life together before all other temptations. Nevertheless, your kids have nothing to do with the quality of your relationship to your ex, and it is they who are being punished for her betrayal of the family.

Even if your kids tell you they want nothing to do with their absent parent, their sentiments are likely more of a reflection of their desire to support you in your pain than any real wish on their part to be permanently estranged from their mother or father. They love you, see you are hurting, and feel the only way they can show their loyalty to you is to reject the person who caused your pain.

What they are rejecting in reality is half of their own inheritance, and an opportunity to be loved and protected by the only other person who has a legal and moral obligation to care for them. That security is a lot to take away from the very people who are already suffering the most from your divorce. The kindest thing you can do for them despite your own pain is to encourage them to forgive their other parent and keep her in their lives, even if doing so seems impossibly painful.

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Love After Divorce - Are You Ready?

How do you know when you are ready to find love after divorce? When a marriage breaks down, it is always a sad and difficult time, even if things haven't been great between you for some time. Whatever the circumstances you will still need to give yourself time to adjust to your new way of life before jumping into a new relationship.

You will be left with a huge space in your life and will most likely feel that you need to fill it as quickly as possible, but it could be a big mistake to look for love after divorce too soon, as your judgment may be seriously clouded. You could end up making bad choices and give yourself more pain and grief to deal with. It is never a good idea to meet someone on the rebound as you are likely to have issues that need dealing with first.

Time is a great healer, so it is important to give yourself time to grieve for your old relationship. Get over the anger and other emotional issues and allow yourself time to re-evaluate what you want out of life. It is unfair to start a new relationship when you are unable to move on from the previous one. Take time to nurture yourself, enjoy old interests or try some new ones, spend time with family and friends and enjoy just being you.

If children are involved, you also need to consider them and allow them time to grieve the loss of their old family life and adjust to a new way of life. This can take a long time as the decision to divorce was nothing to do with them. Introducing someone new into their lives at this stage can cause some very challenging behaviours, even for grown-up children, so for their sake, you must allow time.

Everyone is different in the way they deal with divorce and the issues that go with it, some people may be ready to move on and look for love after divorce within a year, others will take much longer, only you know how you feel. It is essential if you want your next relationship to be successful, that you have moved on and let go of the past. It is all too easy to carry old resentments forward and damage any future relationships.

When you feel ready to move on, it can be an exciting time embarking on the world of dating once again and signifies a new chapter in your life. Try and meet each date with an open mind and an open heart rather than comparing them to your ex. Remember nobody is perfect, we all have our good points and bad points, so judge each person on their own merits and give yourselves the chance to get to know each other. There is no rush to make a commitment, just concentrate on enjoying each others company and having fun together. Love after divorce will happen, but take your time and make sure you get to know your new partner inside out before making a commitment.

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5 Tips for Dating Again After Divorce

Unless you want to join a convent and take a vow of abstinence after your divorce there will come a time when you're ready to re-enter the wonderful (or terrifying for some) world of dating.

The thing is... divorce is very rarely amicable so you may be carrying some trust issues or even doubts and fears about seeing someone again and starting a new relationship.

Don't worry too much about this, as it's perfectly normal, most divorced people to go through the pain barrier and build their confidence up again to enter the dating scene.

One of the main barriers can be trying to rush into a new relationship just to feel loved, but this can actually bring you more problems and confidence issues if you choose the wrong partner in desperation... so my advice is, take it easy.

There is life after divorce but you have to be prepared to go out and get it!

Tip 1 - Meet new people

Think of dating as an opportunity to meet lots of new people and take stock of what you really look for in a serious partner this time around. For example, if your ex-spouse was really untidy, are you seeking someone a bit more organized? Or if they had control issues are you looking for a mate who is more laid back?

Tip 2 - Take your time

Think about this... are you looking for some fun and entertainment or do you seek a more serious relationship? Rushing in too soon can cloud your view of the world... so take it easy and get to know yourself better before you start picking flaws in someone else.

Tip 3 - Build your confidence

You may even feel ashamed or embarrassed about the failure of your marriage... but you know that's the way life goes, many people are on their third or fourth marriage so no-one really cares as much as you think they do.

Tip 4 - Go with your gut feeling

Don't forget you have a LOT to offer don't sell yourself short and don't take any nonsense, go with your gut and take it slowly. As long as you take the necessary safety precautions then give that new date a chance to prove themselves.

Tip 5 - Take the pressure off

A good piece of advice for the first date is always meet during the day if possible and even for a coffee. This puts less pressure on the two of you having to make conversation for two or three hours over dinner (sometimes it can be two or three hours of painful silence if you don't have much in common).

Remember, you are rebuilding your life so take it slowly and you'll find your confidence will grow. I can't promise you'll meet your perfect partner right away - but if you don't try you won't ever find your Mr.Right.

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Are We Attracted to People Who Look Like Us?

When looking for love, start by looking in the mirror

Do opposites really attract? Despite what you may have grown up hearing, studies may reflect the opposite—interestingly, especially when it comes to looks.

According to research reported in the July 2010 issue of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, we are attracted to people who resemble our parents or ourselves.

In one study, subjects were shown pictures of strangers which were preceded by a short glimpse of either their own opposite-sex parent or a stranger. Subjects exposed to a short glimpse of their parent before being exposed to the target picture were more likely to assign higher ratings of attractiveness to the person in the target picture. In a second study, a picture of the stranger was morphed with a picture of themselves or a picture of another stranger. When subjects were asked to rate the portrayed people for attractiveness, they usually picked the people who were an amalgamation of a stranger and themselves. 

As it turns out, then, we are much more likely to fall for someone who looks like us or our opposite-sex parent. This may indicate that our incest taboos are social constructs instituted to prevent people from following their instincts. However, there are other explanations of why we are attracted to people who look like us.

Researchers at the deCODE Genetics company in Reykjavik, reporting in a 2008 issue of Science, found that marriages between third or fourth cousins in Iceland tended to produce more children and grandchildren than those between completely unrelated individuals. The researchers suggest that marrying third and fourth cousins may be optimal for reproduction because this degree of genetic similarity may produce the best gene pool. Sibling and first-cousin couples, were they to mate, could have inbreeding problems, whereas couples genetically far-removed from each other could have genetic incompatibilities. Third- and fourth-cousin couples, though, tend to be genetically compatible while having no serious inbreeding problems.

At first glance, such findings seem to go against the so-called "Westermarck effect," which posits that people who grow up together are disposed not to fall in love with each other after they reach sexual maturity. But the Westermarck effect—based on a series of studies done by Finnish anthropologist Edvard Westermark—actually is consistent with the recent findings—living in close proximity is no doubt the decisive factor for desensitization in terms of sexual attraction, not the degree of the individuals' resemblance.

In fact, the Westermarck effect has been confirmed, in the Israeli kibbutz system of communal living, in which people who grow up together are typically not directly related to each other and do not look alike. And consider how traditional sim pua marriages, mostly dating from pre-modern Taiwan, also confirm Westermarck’s theory: Sim pua means “little daughter in-law." In the system, a female infant is given to a family to be reared as their own daughter. When she grows up, she is to marry a son in that family. But sim pua marriages have produced a low fertility rate, a high divorce rate, frequent adultery, and lack of sexual attraction. In some cases, the son or "daughter-in-law" has refused to marry their destined-for spouse.

So, the degree to which a couple resembles each other could be a defining factor in relationship satisfaction after all. 

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201505/are-we-attracted-people-who-look-us

5 Reasons You Shouldn't Fear the End of a Relationship

The pain of leaving will pass. The pain of staying will not.




      

For married couples, it's a good idea to keep working on your marriage when both you and your partner are invested and committed. Otherwise, if you find yourself stuck in the same old dispiriting patterns, you may wish to tackle your fear of change.

Here are 5 reasons why, in some cases, divorce may be the right decision:

1. It is not always better for the kids to stay married.

It is heart-wrenching for many who are chronically unhappy in a marriage to even consider the idea of divorce because of fear that it will forever harm their children. It is important to take children's feelings about divorce seriously, to empathize and help them to talk about how it impacts them (not you). However, the notion that staying in a bad marriage is somehow better for kids is dubious. What is more harmful and even traumatizing to children is spending a great deal of time in a home filled with negative emotion, tension, and chronic conflict. Children tend to absorb these feelings and even believe they are responsible for them in some way. If you are in a chronically unhappy union and eventually make a thoughtful decision to end it, you are modeling for your children that they do not have to be passive participants in their own unhappiness.

2. You'll improve your physical health and emotional wellbeing.

Healthy couples are able to resolve disagreements, where both people feel better about the issue at hand and sometimes the couple can even feel closer and more understood as a result of the disagreement. However, when negative relationship dynamics chronically play out between partners, resentment grows. Before you know it, not picking up milk on the way home becomes a knock-down, drag-out fight. When there is no resolution to chronic marital distress, both partners live in a fight-or-flight state. They may have difficulty sleeping or eating healthfully, or trouble with short-term memory; they may gain weight and fail to go to the doctor or nurture themselves emotionally. Their cup is so full between work, children, and the chronic negative emotion they experience, there is no room for self-care. The toll negative relationships take on physical health should not be underestimated. There is even some research to suggest that chronically negative or abusive relationships can shorten one's lifespan. Ending a toxic union is the first step in a chain of events that leads to taking better care of one's self. 

3. You'll open the door to find a more fulfilling love.

Sometimes working through a difficult marriage and developing greater self-awareness around what your role may have been in the demise can open the door to a path that leads to a happier union. If after thoughtful work on yourself and your own weaknesses and consideration of your partner, you do not notice progress in your marriage, then the longer you stay, the longer you deny yourself the right to romantic happiness. Instead of fearing facing the world alone, fear spending a lifetime with someone with whom you are unhappy. Fear of being alone is not an adequate reason to stay in a marriage and actually increases the misery, as one feels trapped and powerless.

4. The grief will pass.

For some who know they need and want a divorce, the fear of unbearable pain keeps them stuck in an unhappy or even unhealthy union. As hard as ending a relationship can be, many find that they learn something from the heartache—they find they grow in some unexpected and meaningful way. For example, they become more connected with family and friends, they pull more meaning from the relationships they do have, they connect with feelings of gratitude, or they have an easier time not sweating the small stuff. The problem comes not for those who experience grief, which is a natural and necessary stage in processing a divorce, but for those who do not allow themselves to take time to grieve. Make sure you give yourself space to experience the loss and to process your feelings around ending such a significant relationship. Working through it for many is a way to self-rediscovery.

5. Giving up the fantasy that things will improve is ultimately liberating.

Many have lived for years with a hope and expectation that things will improve. Hope is important but without noticeable action, it is misguided. If you have been in a long-term relationship that has been filled with discontent for a long period, you have probably tried to tell yourself, "Things will get better." Although in the moment this thought can be relieving, in the long run it sets people up for defeat and disappointment when things don't get better. If you and your partner are not taking active steps to improve the marriage; not noticing small improvements; and not both equally committed to this work, then hoping things will get better could keep you stuck in a no-win-situation.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201412/5-reasons-you-shouldnt-fear-the-end-relationship