Self-Control: Who's in Charge Here?

When you're faced with an emotional situation, self-control is not easy. In the face of your partner's actions, it's difficult not to react. Learning to stop and think, to respond thoughtfully and carefully rather than quickly and automatically, takes practice. However, mastering self-control is always worthwhile, because it makes every moment of your life easier. Have you heard the phrase "Emotional Intelligence"? It just means emotional self-control

Using Self Talk

Self-talk is one of the most powerful tools you can use to learn emotional self-control. Everyone has a running mental dialog, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that you can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you've heard over and over. Only this song won't be about your lost love, it will be about supporting yourself.

If your self talk feels "naturally negative," you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity, which saps your ability to choose your responses. To change this, learn to pay attention to your inner monologue: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism.

Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do to increase your level of optimism, even if you can't change who you are. Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait-your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier, calmer person. If, on the other hand, you're a party animal-social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a "what's the use' attitude, which leads to depression and a cranky attitude, which doesn't work well in your life or relationships. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. To help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress, I ask them to become aware of what they're saying to themselves: a constant stream of negativity, will create stress; just as being followed around by someone who's constantly carping on you would be stressful. If my client is having an internal mental battle and not able to come to a solid decision; it also increases the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others' opinions of who you are and what you're doing, you'll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Many of my clients don't realize that they are responsible for their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better.

Patience

Patience is another way to describe emotional self control. Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control: it's an issue in self control. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait until you've thought before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to "count to 10 before you respond" is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective: Put your impulses or desires in perspective. Will it be important an hour from now; fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don't have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are normal-it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts.

4: Take a longer view: If you're reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal; then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge that you did it, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse.

6. Consider the source: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances. For example, being annoyed because your partner isn't available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you do is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Self-Control:-Whos-in-Charge-Here?&id=10282171

Self Control Tips - Anger Management

Anger management is an important and difficult part of self control.

Everyone has been angry. It is pretty much impossible to go through life without getting mad at something at some point, making anger management a mandatory skill for anyone who wants to interact with people.

Sure, some people have less anger than others, but everyone will need to learn to control or manage it at some point. These steps should help you work through your angry in a healthy manner.

The first step in anger management is to figure out what caused it.

Some people have anger as their first reaction to anything because that is how they were raised. Other people end up hurling things around when they're angry simply because that's what they saw when they were young.

Still others end up being incredibly angry because of a recent event that has weakened their self-control.

Some people end up mismanaging their anger simply because they're not looking at the real issue.

Finding out what is really behind your anger and how you express it can help you focus on the issue at hand, rather than lashing out.

Once you've identified what makes you angry, put it on a list. While it isn't so much the anger that causes trouble as the way it is expressed, not getting mad altogether can keep you getting in trouble in the first place.

Think about your daily routine and when you get mad the most. You can either adjust your routine, or if it is part of a job, better prepare yourself for the oncoming storm of stress.

You should also identify the symptoms of rising anger, such as clenched fists, pacing, or even seeing red, as it can help you identify new triggers and prepare accordingly.

The next step is learning how to cool down when you're all riled up. You know when you get angry.

You know the signs when you're getting angry. It's time to learn how to get down when you're getting mad.

There are a number of things you can do.

• Exercise: Anger involves the fight or flight response. You can use exercise to work through all the excess energy that you suddenly have.

• Counting until you calm down: You don't have to count anything in particular, you just need to occupy your mind with something monotonous that doesn't anger you until you regain your self-control and composure.

• Deep Breathing: Slow, deep breaths can slow down your heart rate and calm you down.

Some people have unorthodox methods of calming themselves down, so if you find something that works for you, don't hesitate to use it.

The last step is finding a healthy way to express your anger.

Anger is energy, and if you can find a way to channel that anger into inspiration and change, then not only have you managed your anger, but you've turned a negative into a positive. Some people paint. Other people write.

Find what works for you.

At the end of the day, anger management is about putting yourself in a position to deal with your anger and to make smart decisions in the heat of the moment.

Determine the cause of your anger, calm yourself down, and then make a decision. You don't want to regret something for the rest of your life simply because you couldn't calm down.

https://ezinearticles.com/?Self-Control-Tips---Anger-Management&id=7903868

Want more willpower? Start small and practice.

There’s no shortage of well-intended advice out there about how and what we should change. We may want to become an inspirational leader, lose weight, be a better parent, stop a bad habit, or as I wrote about recently, simply be more present. It strikes me that all of the advice in the world hinges on one key ingredient: personal willpower.

Without our own willpower to affect change in ourselves and commit, even the most ground-breaking ideas are mere words. In fact, self-control has been positively correlated to success, and found to be instrumental to strong leaders. It stands to reason that if we want to get better at practically anything, we’ll benefit by building our willpower.

Of course, every day can be a struggle when it comes to self-control. It seems like some people have more than enough (triathletes, I’m talking to you), while others can’t finish a project on time to save themselves. We often label people as having it, or not.

But is this true?  According to experts like Stanford University psychologist and author Kelly McGonigal, willpower is actually like a muscle – the more you use it, the stronger it gets. This may explain those people who seem to live in almost total discipline. It’s not that they have more willpower, but that they constantly exercise it.

Here are some suggestions from McGonigal to help you strengthen your willpower:

1. Set realistic goals.

It’s easy to give up on something if it seems too hard. Keep your goals reasonable.  For example, if you’re not a morning person, it’s unreasonable to set a goal to get up and exercise at 5 AM six days a week.

When making changes, it’s best to start small and build. In the example above, instead commit to exercising at 7 AM two mornings a week for 30 minutes, and when you’ve gotten used to that, you can increase the amount of time.

To build motivation you need to build wins. “Setting small goals will give you small successes that will motivate you to continue,” McGonigal affirms.

2. Reframe your rewards.

Usually when we have to exercise self-control, it’s a battle of what we want (reward) versus what we can’t have (punishment). Since our brains our wired to seek rewards, that stresses our willpower abilities. For example, if you want to eat a cupcake, your thoughts will focus on how fun it would be to have it (reward), weighed against the fact that you’re trying to eat less sweets (punishment).

Instead reframe the punishment into its own reward. As this article suggests, try to find the positive side of doing without. Going back to cupcake scenario, you could think, “If I forgo this cupcake, I can have the steak tomorrow at my birthday dinner.”

3. Use your focus strategically.

Focusing on something you want makes you want it more. This can work positively or negatively. If you’re trying to learn a new skill at work, keeping reminders on your desk or smart phone will help you live into your goals.

Conversely, if you’re trying to give up something, the more you think about it, the more your willpower will be stressed. Learn to distract yourself. When you want to do something you shouldn’t, get away from your desk, go for a walk, or make it a practice to sleep on it. I’m often amazed at how the impulse subsides.

4. Don’t beat yourself up.

Most experts say that if you fail at self-control, making yourself feel bad about it undermines long-term success. If a goal feels unattainable, you’ll just give up.

So if you procrastinated away the afternoon when you should have been working on that presentation, acknowledge that you slipped, and tell yourself it’s alright and that you’ll try harder the next time.  If it’s difficult for you not to be self-critical, here’s some good advice from FITNESS Magazine contributor Kate Rope: “Write down the things you say to yourself when you fall short of your goals, then rewrite them as if you were talking to a pal.” You would never be that hard on a friend.

5. Watch out for willpower drainers.

Exercising willpower takes considerable effort. That’s why we’re exhausted after having to be “on” all day, exerting constant self-control. It’s important to acknowledge your humanness. In an intriguing article, Kelly McGonigal analyzed the way leaders and those in powerful positions can show immense willpower, but how no one is perfect. If they keep going, denying themselves, working to the point of exhaustion, McGonigal says, they also have a tendency to fail hard when they fail, leading to high-profile scandals, corruption or addiction. (Carlos Danger, anyone?)

McGonigal suggests that for those of us whose willpower is working full-time, some rest might be in order. Fatigue and hunger are shown to significantly reduce impulse control. Even those who seem to have all the willpower in the world slip up. They get back up by giving themselves a break, with the knowledge that exercising willpower is part of life.

http://kristihedges.com/2013/11/19/want-more-willpower-practice/