Is There a Passive-Agressive Person in Your Life?

At best, their behavior is dishonest. At worst, it's abusive. But you may not have even noticed it. That's because a passive-aggressive person can be so subtle you may not realize their supposed joke was really a hostile remark. Or their procrastination at getting something you need done is really their way of making you suffer. Or countless other covert behaviors.

When an abusive person hits you, you know you need to make sure it doesn't happen again. Likewise, when a passive-aggressive (P-A) person pretends to behave lovingly toward you, but really causes you psychological pain, you need to make a change. And you can only change the way you behave, not the P-A. But before you can make a change, you need to identify the P-A.

Conflict Avoidance. It's hard to spot a person who is always nice and gets along as someone with a problem. In the case of passive-aggressives, they find conflict of any kind so difficult that they avoid it at great cost to themselves and others. They are unable to express anger in a healthy way, so it foments. This may contribute to their low self-esteem, which, when combined with aggressive, domineering behavior, is a toxic mix. This toxicity builds up each time they say "yes" when they should have said "no." Then their self-loathing and their resentment towards others increase. It's a downward spiral.

Inability to Say No. This is the same side of the coin as conflict avoidance. A passive-aggressive person cannot say no to anyone or anything. He needs acceptance but when he capitulates it feeds his lack of self-esteem, which makes him feel worse. Still, he will tell you, Yes, he'll be on the committee, and then he won't show up for meetings. Or Yes, he'll work on the project, but then he won't have any work done on it when you need it. And when you ask him about it, he'll be vague. Ambiguity is another hallmark of a P-A.

Propensity to Procrastinate. A P-A will find it hard to meet any deadline, even those he sets for himself. He'll procrastinate and procrastinate until it's impossible to meet any goal. In this way he sabotages the effort he's involved in until you do it yourself. Or you decide to never ask him again because it's easier to do yourself. And he gets out of performing any future tasks, which has been his secret goal all along.

The root causes of passive-aggressiveness are varied and complex. When you have to deal with a P-A it's hard to know why the person is the way he is, let alone what to do about it. Next week we'll talk about strategies for handling the P-A in your life.

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What Is the Origin of Your Anger?

Both proverbial and of cliché proportions, the term "tip of the iceberg" has been used to compare and shed light on numerous aspects in life, emphasizing that what one sees jutting out of the water is only a tiny portion of the greater mass upon which it rests below it. One of them is anger, since what you feel about circumstances and people later in life may have very early, subsurface origins.

Perhaps using others as a mirror when I was an adult-that is, viewing them with the same trusting eyes, integrity, and honesty I projected-I was sometimes disappointed, receiving, instead, betrayal, lies, and defamation, and not realizing that their low and lesser-than behavior had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the efficiencies from which they functioned.

Unsuspecting, I was never prepared for their underhanded actions and usually raged about them for a considerable period--anywhere from weeks to months to years--perplexed as I asked myself such questions as, "How could they do such things to me?" "Why didn't I see that coming?" "Where was their remorse, regret, sorrow, feeling, conscience, embarrassment, or empathy for the hurt they inflicted on me?"

Those who continually heard my tirades were compelled to ask, "When are you going to get over it already?"

I could not. Therefore, I could not answer them.

Examination of my ire revealed two significant aspects of it: (1). Its intensity and (2) Its duration.

Why, I wondered, did I rage with such insatiable vehemence and why, despite the multiply-repeated tirades, did they never lose their intensity, regardless of the time lapse?

I ultimately realized that my late anger was the smoke produced by the early, still-smoldering fire lit by my father's abusive, traumatizing, life-threatening, predatory chases, projections, toxin transfers, enmeshments, and soul-siphoning-late layers, if you will, of an early, never dismantled foundation. Like threads stitched by time, they all stretched back to those unresolved incidents.

Physically blocked and suspended of power, I was immobilized, unable to run, harness the internal explosion of stress hormones, or even cry or scram. A single word afterward, interpreted by a mentally unstable parent, would only have been viewed as "talking back" and "disrespect of elders," inviting more of the same. It would have very much been the equivalent of pulling my own trigger. Little had I known that my father had been subjected to the same treatment as a child and that my sheer presence actually pulled his own trigger.

Squelching, suppressing, and swallowing it all, I became a backed-up volcano, always awaiting my own internal eruption and I always chose the lesser-and less detrimental-of two evils: remain silent until I imploded or talk back and risk further physical harm in the name of "justifiable discipline." It was a lose-lose situation, a damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't' choice.

But the brain, by means of its neuron recordings of the negative, counter-survival experiences it is subjected to, only has so much capacity to absorb, like the sponge that tries to soak up a spilled gallon of water. After it reaches its capacity, the rest will ooze out of it until it virtually drowns in it.

Relevantly, the later-in-life authority figures, unrecovered adult children, and qualifiers triggered these never-diffused bombs and lit the match on the image of the father I had never processed and forgiven-not to mention still feared. Subconsciously, they wore his displaced face.

I could not "finish out" and reach a level of release, relinquish, and satisfaction with those I encountered as an adult, because they tripped the circuit I never diffused with my father as a child. This was the origin of my anger.

Anger, from a psychological perspective, is negative energy and emotion, a natural and automatic response to a person or circumstance who or which wronged you, especially in cases of unfairness, unexpectedness, and injustice. There can be either an internal or an external trigger to it.

Originating in the primitive or stem portion of the brain, it can be a defensive reaction to a threat, stressor, or loss. It provides a channel for the expression of negative feelings and can spark or motivate a person into solution- and survival-oriented actions. Because it never occurs in isolation and is usually preceded by pain or painful feelings, it can be characterized as a "second hand emotion."

Underlying anger is always hurt.

From the adult child perspective, anger is a normal reaction to an abnormal circumstance.

Spiritual or religious discussions warn of its overtaking nature, if it is not resolved, quelled, or kept in check. "In your anger, do not sin," the Bible advises.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires"-in other words, if you think that you are doing his work for him, you are not.

Although these quotes bespeak of ultimate truths, they are almost impossible to achieve and maintain when the fires of an abusive childhood still rage within you, waiting to be doused and dissolved with recovery. They may be the origins of your own anger, as expressed in Courage to Change (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, 1992, p. 341). "Before Al-Anon, I'd have sworn I didn't have an angry bone in my body. Through working the steps, however, I discovered that, without knowing it, I'd often been furious with the alcoholic in my life. I began to recognize anger while it was happening... It felt great to reclaim these repressed parts of myself. I felt more whole, more powerful... "

The person seems to share the same origin of anger as I and was equally forced to squelch it. All roads lead to Rome and all anger apparently leads to your abuser.

The solution for me came from shifting my focus from the tip of the iceberg later-in-life to the foundation laid by my father earlier in it and realizing that this insatiable, unshakable emotion was due to my inability to confront and express to him what I had been forced to absorb. This was the true origin of my anger.

Can you think of any of your own that you now believe was displaced and out-of-proportion for the person or the circumstance? Can you trace it back to the original ones? Was it something you never processed or resolved or someone you never forgave? Can you determine that what you wanted to express to someone as an adult may have been the same, unfinished emotions you should have vented to your parent, abuser, alcoholic, or qualifier as a child?

This, too, may be the origin of your anger.

https://ezinearticles.com/?What-Is-the-Origin-of-Your-Anger?&id=9752241

How to Kick Family Bullies Out of Your Life

Here, we're going to look at setting up boundaries in a family where one or more members are bullies, including a mother, father, brother, sister, relative, etc.

If you've had enough, then it's time to write a letter where you set firm boundaries and leave. I'll get to that later.

If you choose to stay, then you must take another approach. Here's an example of what I recommend (assuming you're an adult and no longer live with the family):

No matter how difficult it might be, you must stop walking on eggshells around the bully.

You need to set some firm boundaries around behavior, where you might say something like this: "For years we have been getting together, and invariably there's a fight because X doesn't like what I say."

"I've had enough. When I come here, I expect to be treated with respect and I will not put up with any more abuse. If X stages a fight I'm going to leave, immediately.

"I'll return when X has calmed down. If X erupts again, I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back."

At that point you need to decide whether to come back in a day or two or, if the abuse is severe, to end the relationship.

It's important to know that the bully will almost certainly violate your boundaries. He/she might threaten you, use other family members as allies against you and try to force you to capitulate. Whatever you do, don't give in. If you do, the abuse will continue.

It's important to follow through with consequences (such as getting up and leaving) if the bully violates your boundaries.

Over time, the relationship might improve, or it might deteriorate further, at which point you will need to reassess the situation and decide to keep trying or to say "I've had enough," and end the relationship once and for all.

Options

One option is to create a boundary where you meet the family members you like on neutral ground, such as a coffee shop or restaurant, which is another way to solve the problem.

An alternative is meeting everyone at a restaurant. If the bully becomes abusive, you can go to management and get them to force the bully to leave.

The key to fixing this problem is firm boundaries and not allowing the bully to get away with their behavior.

Severing the Ties with Family Bullies

Here's another template script you can use.

I'm writing this letter to let you know that I've decided to leave this family.

I will no longer tolerate the way I've been treated, and I refuse to put up with any more abuse in any form.

After spending time writing about the abuse, the thought came to mind, "Why am I still talking to these people?"

The obvious answer is because you're family, but if I remove the label of "family" and just look at the behaviors alone, I would have ended the relationship decades ago. I would never have allowed any "friend" to treat me the way that you do. I've allowed the "family" label and the implications of that to blind me to the truth. Not anymore.

When I consider how much I've suffered, I know I'm long overdue to get out. Every time we connect there's always the threat of violence and, worse, ongoing manipulation.

The bottom line is simple. I never want to see any of you again, nor do I want to hear from you by mail, email, phone or otherwise.

And XX, don't try to find me. I don't wish to be found. I've changed my phone number, and I've closed my email account, as well.

The bottom line is this, if you want to recover from the trauma of bullying, you MUST get the bully out of your life. If you do not, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to recover.

When the Bully is No Longer in Your Life

For some people, getting the bully out of their lives is enough and they will begin to recover. Others have been traumatized by the ongoing harassment which has caused a psychological injury, sometimes known as PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If this has happened to you, you know you're in trouble. Fortunately, help exists. I work with Hamish Bayston, a coach who specializes in working with victims of bullying. With his coaching, you can remove the trauma of bullying from your life, change your limiting beliefs, stop the obsessive thinking and begin to live a normal life, free of the trauma of bullying.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Kick-Family-Bullies-Out-of-Your-Life&id=9637512

Abusive Relationship That You Hide SO Well

Emotionally abused. Physically abused. Financially abused. Being abused is what you've become accustomed to. You think to yourself "How did I let this go on so long? How did I allow this to happen to me? Why haven't I spoken to anyone about what I'm going through? How did I even get here?" Your abusive relationship is slowly killing you on the inside. You're at your breaking point. It's time for you to think about YOU for a change because you deserve way better than what you've been putting up with. You don't deserve this! You DO count. You ARE important. You DO mean a lot to your loved ones. They care for you. Trust me, they do. You don't have to put up with this abuse anymore. Reach out for help and don't feel ashamed to do so.

Genuine love isn't supposed to be emotionally draining. Name calling isn't okay. Stop making excuses for it. Making you feel less-than is abuse. There's no other way around that. You will be okay without him! He just makes you feel like you won't. Think about what you were like before him. You had confidence! You felt great about yourself! You were outgoing and full of life! But look at you now. He's broken you down little by little, just where he wants you to be. But enough is enough! You've got to get out of this mess. This is NOT your best life. This is no life at all.

He grabs on you, pushes and shoves you, holds you down on the bed and/or floor, punches you at times, just having his way with you when he wants to. He likes to toy around with you. Sweet and kind one minute, and then he's right back at his evil ways. He demeans you as if you're not worth anything. Your emotions are like a roller coaster. He has you up one minute, twisted the next minute, and then here comes the drop. He treats you like he owns you. As if you are a piece of property. Telling you what to do and controlling your every move. He's NOT a nice person, so stop making excuses for him. You know what he's like and you can't change him. Don't fool yourself!

He's in control of the finances. He uses money against you. You have to ask him for everything. What he says goes. You don't have any say so in the matter. You have money, but it's like you don't because he rules, and that's that.

He's taken your life away from you. You're just being controlled. You choose to stay because you don't want to feel ashamed and/or embarrassed of what others will say or think. You've been putting up with this hell for quite some time now. Pretending like you're a happy couple. You're a pro when it comes to putting on your happy face, wearing YOUR mask so flawlessly. You've put up a great front because nobody knows the hell that you're going through but you and him. You have everybody fooled into thinking that you have a great relationship, but if they only knew that you're just about to lose it. You're holding on to a very thin string. You want out, but you don't know how. You're scared, confused, and nervous. And in a strange kind of way, you want to stay. You know the true him, but you make excuses for him and are torn as to what to do.

Instead of me TELLING you what to do, I'll leave you with these inspirational quotes that I personally created from me to you. Hopefully these positive quotes will give you the strength and courage that you need to leave your unfortunate and unhealthy relationship. Be brave!

Inspirational & Motivational Quotes

"Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never doubt who you are."

"Crying is NOT a weakness. Cry as much as you have to. Don't be afraid or ashamed to let your tears flow. Crying is a natural part of life. We all have feelings and sometimes crying is all that we can do. Crying can help relieve the pain, hurt, disappointments, and all of the other things that life can throw our way. Know that it's okay and know that you're going to be okay as well. Wishing You: Peace of mind, Comfort, Happiness, Joy within and LOVE."

"Say it out loud: I AM beautiful. I AM worthy. I AM somebody. I DO deserve to be loved. I DO deserve to be respected. I DO deserve happiness. I will no longer accept less-than what I know I deserve. I don't deserve that. And I won't accept it anymore. I know my self-worth! I deserve the very best!"

"Though I may feel weak right now, I know the strength that lives deep down inside of me. I will believe! I will have hope! And although my faith may be a little bit weary right now, I know I'll make it through this. When I feel like I'm just about to give up, I somehow soar to the top. That's because I'm a winner! It's always a good idea to remind yourself of who YOU are. That's perfectly okay!"

"Respect, Love, and Value yourself. Always remember to be good to yourself by taking care of yourself. Make yourself a priority and know that it's okay. Don't feel guilty for loving yourself, first! You're just as important as anybody else. Remember that!"

"Tomorrow has not invited you yet, so LIVE for today! Tomorrow is near, yet so far away. Choose this day to smile, laugh, love unconditionally, and be happy within."

"You are valuable! You are beautifully blessed just how you're supposed to be. No matter what anybody else has told you, YOU rock!"

"Hello beautiful! Yes, YOU. Please realize just how special that you are. There's no need for you to compare yourself to the next. You are unique, rare, and incomparable. You're simply beautiful inside and out!"

"Self-worth. Self-love. Self-Esteem. Self-Motivation. Self-confidence. All of these things equal SELF-EMPOWERMENT. Always believe in yourself, even if nobody else does!"

"Dare to be bold and brave. Dare to believe that you can. Dare to live out your dreams. Dare to get out of your comfort zone. Dare to make positive changes in your life. Dare to live life without all of the extra drama and/or baggage. Dare to live your life fearlessly. Dare to TRULY live for once in your life!"

http://ezinearticles.com/?Abusive-Relationship-That-You-Hide-SO-Well&id=9297879

A Few Signs of Domestic Violence You Cannot Ignore

A few signs of domestic violence that cannot be ignored are criticism by one's significant other in front of family and friends, periods of silence by one's significant other and when he/she labels a room(s) in the house as off-limits.

You know, most of the time when we hear that someone we know was charged with a serious crime, we would either say, "I didn't see any signs that he/she would have done this or that or, yes, I'm not surprised because I saw the signs in him/her." Yes, consciously or unconsciously we are always looking for signs and usually, they are there for us to see and when it comes to domestic violence, there is no difference.

Domestic violence which is also referred to as domestic abuse, battering and family violence has touched many of us and DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in one of its pamphlet, defines it as a pattern of coercive behaviours, used by a batterer to gain or maintain power and control over another person with whom the batterer is in an intimate dating or family relationship.

Criticism in front of Loved Ones

The batterer's main aim is to dominate its victim and to get this done, he/she will speak unkindly to family members and friends about their victim. They will do so under the guise of love for their victim and the desire for him/her to do better. For example, he/she may say, "he/she is such an air-head when it comes to finances but I am trying to teach him/her how to handle it." Thereby helping to set the foundation for the batterer to completely control all the monies that pass between the two of them.

The batterer will say many more things that can help to cause division between family and friends and the person he/she is in a relationship with, so as to isolate his/her victim. While at the same time he/she is working to make him/herself look like the "good," sensible and loving one.

Periods of Silence

Another sign that cannot be ignored is when he/she stops talking with their victim for days and sometimes even weeks even though they see each other every day. Sometimes a reason, logical or not, is given but sometimes a reason is not given for this action.

Nevertheless, this is usually done with the intention of punishing the other person. Some victims cope well during this "silent treatment" and in fact, they look forward to it because this is the only time they do not have to hear their torturer's abusive words. On the other hand, some victims do not respond well to this because they are worried about what other torture he/she is planning during this time.

Off Limit Rooms

Today, we hear a lot about "man caves" and this should give us a moment of pausing and thinking and most of the time we do not because "man cave" is usually said in jesting and both parties in the relationship are usually in agreement with the arrangement. However if the abuser says that a room or rooms in the house is off-limits, this is another sign that should not be ignored. This is another tactic in domination. He/she is the king/queen and the victim is the subject. The subject is told when he/she can enter the room and this is usually when the batterer wants something that only the victim can provide.

If there are other family members in the house, the room(s) is also used to cause division within the home. The batterer will allow certain family members to enter the room as a special privilege while others are not allowed to do so.

Criticism in front of loved ones, periods of silence and off-limit rooms are signs of domestic violence that cannot be ignored because of the escalation in abuse that usually follows.

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