5 Requirements for a Happy Relationship

Relationships are not easy, in fact sometimes they can be a lot of work. If you are being hurt by your partners actions, there is still love in the midst of it. When you stop caring and become indifferent, that is when the relationship or marriage is heading towards trouble. Our partner came in to our lives for a reason, to help make us a better person. It is the old saying that iron sharpens iron, we get to learn from what we experience.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attentions so you can change your life.". - Elizabeth Gilbert

These are what we have found to be the main requirements for a happy relationship. We are partners because we fell in love and should still love each other enough to want them to be happy and treat them well.

1. Security and Safety

The most important thing in any relationship is safety and security. Not only in a physical sense but even more so in an emotional sense. Safety and predictability is crucial. We are creatures of habit and when you are living in a constant state of uncertainty as to who your partner will be each particular moment, it becomes frightening and throws us off balance. It can create a feeling of helplessness and fear. We all need consistency and predictability to feel safe and secure. Living with a Jekyll and Hyde destroys safety for your partner. When we are the same person consistently, we can allow our partner to relax and be a better partner for our loved one.

2. Respect

This is one of the top requirements for any relationship. If there is not respect, there can not be equality and peace. When name-calling, cursing and the verbal attacks begin, you are not being respected and it is hard for to give respect in return. It is also important to be respected for who you are and what you do. We should each be allowed to be your own person and make decisions (unless they are not in the best interest of the relationship). We have the right to set boundaries to protect those boundaries and ourselves should be respected without guilt and shame. Also, our privacy and personal things need to be respected. Going through someone's things is disrespectful and violates the other person. There should not be anything to hide between both partners and so respecting each others space should not be an issue.

3. Trust

Commitment and trust in a relationship are so important. We usually don't have reason not to trust unless we ourselves cannot be trusted. If there has been betrayal in a relationship, trust must be rebuilt. It will take time and patience and if you are the one that created that distrust, the best thing you can do for your partner is to be understanding when they are having doubts and questioning your actions. When you get defensive, it sends the message that you are hiding something. When you are constantly questioning your partner, it creates frustration and resentment. Nobody should ever have to sell his or her honesty and commitment. If there has been distrust, the offender must sincerely accept their wrong, apologize and change the behavior to rebuild that trust.

4. Independence

It is so important for you to honor and respect your partners independence. If there is trust, allowing the other person to be independent should not be an issue. The first three qualities are crucial to allow for independence in a relationship. We need to make sure that we are not completely dependent on our partner and that we have some interests of our own. We need to be inter-dependent. There must be a me, you, and we. We need to be allowed to have time to ourselves, time with family and friends and time for one another. If we don't have balance, we can become resentful and we end up swinging to the other side of the pendulum. The most important time you can spend away from your relationship is time nurturing yourself. Do something nice for yourself, get a massage, play sports, journal or go for a walk. This is your sanity. If you can't make sure your cup is full, you will have nothing to give your partner. It may just be the 40-minute drive in the car that recharges you or some girl /guy talk with a friend or just time alone. Whatever it is, you need to allow that for yourself and respect that your partner needs it also. When we get that we usually are able to come back into the relationship a happier more loving person.

5. Self - Actualization

If you are not growing, you are decaying, and this goes for every living thing. We are meant to continue to learn and grow as we age and the person we spend our life with is the one that we should be growing with. When one partner decides to stop growing on his or her own, and as a couple, it can create real havoc on a relationship. We are constantly faced with situations where we can learn and grow and when we step into an attitude of blame and are not willing to look at ourselves, and our role, we have begun the decaying process. When we live in a constant state of blaming and being a victim, we get stuck and left behind. We all have some responsibility in every conflict and it important to be able to self reflect and own our share. From this point, we can decide how we want to learn from it and grow. Our partners can certainly trigger us the best and those triggers really have nothing to do with the other person, but issues that lay deep within us. Make a decision to look at your stuff and figure out how you can grow from it.

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Requirements-for-a-Happy-Relationship&id=9324821

How to Stop Thinking About Someone

A fascinating new study on the power of love vs. the allure of sex

You meet someone new and attractive. The eye looks and the mind wanders. Temptation strikes, although you don’t succumb to it in the moment. Nonetheless you find your thoughts keep returning to the encounter, to that attractive person, and to the possibility for romance, sex, or a relationship. When the mind wanders, it often follows a path to love, romance, and sex. If you’re currently unattached, such thoughts can be wonderful. Infatuation is a seductive emotional experience. Who knows where it will lead? 

But if you’re already in a committed and happy relationship, you may not want those thoughts. You may not want to be distracted by a handsome or pretty new face. What can you do to remain focused on, and committed to, your current relationship? 

How can you stop those thoughts about the wrong person? 

Just telling yourself to stop thinking about that person doesn’t help. Daniel Wegner and his colleagues have shown that attempted thought suppression actually has the opposite effect—you end up experiencing more of the thoughts you tried to suppress. In a classic study, Wegner and colleagues asked people to not think about a white bear. Trying to suppress thoughts of white bears, though, just led to more thoughts of white bears—a rebound effect. Thought suppression and rebound effects appear for all types of thoughts, including those about people you find attractive. Trying to suppress such thoughts can even lead that person to appear in your dreams (Wegner, Wenzlaff, & Kozak, 2004; and see my blog on Inception, the Science of Creating Dreams). And trying to not think about sex isn’t very effective, either. Those thoughts not only rebound into awareness but they have physiological effects as well—your palms get sweaty when you try to avoid sex thoughts (Wegner, Shortt, Blake, & Page, 1990).

So here you are: You’ve met someone new, and now you’re thinking about that person, maybe even having daydreams and seeing that person in your dreams at night. The problem: You already have a partner you love and care about. You try to stop thinking about the attractive new person, but thought suppression doesn’t work. 

How do you stop that person from constantly appearing in your thoughts? 

Instead of suppressing your thoughts, try changing their focus instead. The best advice is to actively focus your thoughts in a different direction—but the nature of those alternative thoughts is crucial. Gonzaga and colleagues have investigated various ways to stop thinking about an attractive new person (Gonzaga, Haselton, Smurda, Davies, & Poore, 2008). First they gave people in relationships someone attractive to think about: They presented six pictures of attractive people and asked participants choose the one they thought was most attractive. While looking at that picture, the participants wrote about why the person was attractive and what the perfect first meeting with that person would be like. By using the writing task, the researchers made sure that people were thinking about that person and imagining interacting with him or her. Haven’t we all had similar daydreams? You remember how attractive, charming, and pleasant a new person was. Where would you go?  What would you do together? You imagine going out with that person for the first time. 

Now stop. Stop thinking about that person. 

Of course, we know that telling yourself to stop doesn’t work. It didn’t work in the experiment, either: Some people were simply asked to stop thinking about the attractive person, but the thoughts continued into the next task—more so than if they hadn’t been told to stop the thoughts.

But when they tried instead to change the focus of their thoughts—and, specifically, to think about their current romantic partner—the results were very different. Some participants were asked to think about either the time they felt the most love or the most sexual desire for their current partner. And which was better at stopping thoughts about an attractive other person? Thoughts about love. In other words, love was more powerful than sex. 

Try thinking about a time you felt love—that is, felt close, connected, and bonded to your current romantic partner. In the experiment, thinking of one's current partner in terms of love substantially reduced thoughts of someone else. Thinking of sexual attraction for a current partner wasn’t nearly as effective. 

Gonzaga and colleagues argued that this is the whole point of feeling love. Being in a strong, committed relationship has lots of benefits for people: Love is the emotion that keeps you coming home to the same person every night for years. Thinking of love for one's current partner did more than just drive thoughts of that attractive other person from people's heads. Thinking of love actually diminished the memory of that other person. People who thought of love remembered fewer of the attractive features of that other person than other participants did.

If you want to stop thinking about someone new, if you want to stay committed to your current partner, if you want to diminish your memory for an attractive new person, and if you want to remove the temptation, the approach is simple: Think about your current partner. But the key is to think about a time when you felt love for him or her, because love is the power that can clear the mind, and keep people together. 

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-mishaps/201505/how-stop-thinking-about-someone